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You’re not friends with either of the Blagojevich brothers. They’re weird, honestly, and it’s much easier pretending you don’t see the little one strung up at the top of the flagpole than it is trying to get him down and getting a smack for your troubles. The bigger one, the nearly normal one, is obsessed with planes and makes too obvious facial expressions. He’s so gullible it’s actually a little pathetic. His younger brother is a freak of nature, and just as funny in the brain as his sibling is. You kind of feel bad for them.
*
Somehow, inexplicably, Gary manages to convince Mary to go on a date with him. Mary isn’t Casey Patterson so you have no eyes for her at all, but even so, you can tell she’s pretty. Smart, too, and sweet, and way, way out of Gary’s league. Maybe she pities him, you don’t know. It’s baffling whatever it is.
Still, at least it remains the norm with Walter. There are some rumours that go around about what he’ll do for a guy who buys him a copy of Muppet Magazine which are, honestly, a little harsh by any metric, but you laugh anyway because it’s funny, objectively, the idea of anyone at all going out with Walter. His brother’s weird as hell, but at least he looks kind of normal. Plain, but normal. Walter is all that mental whatever it is and the craziest thing you’ve ever seen in your life to boot.
*
You’re pretty sure Mary called in a hundred favours to get one of her friends to take Walter to prom. The girl looks miserable the entire time and leaves to go make out with Kyle Castleman under the bleachers about an hour in. Mary, it would seem, feels something for Gary beyond pity, since they’ve been going steady for two years now with no sign of her coming to her senses. Whatever. Casey is dancing with another guy and that’s all you can focus on. Bastard.
*
Years pass. Nothing much changes. You see Gary and Walter and Mary around sometimes, in pairs or separately or all three of them, and in your maturity you often feel a pang of sympathy for one or all. It’s such a sad situation, when you think about it. No brother’ll ever be able to really be happy for the other.
It’s not high school anymore, and there’s no more bullies, no more popularity contest, not really. You don’t have to care or not care about the Blagojevich brothers anymore so you don’t.
*
You don’t know why, but you see Walter on TV one night. You think you’re imaging it at first, but no, it must be him, because who the hell else looks like that? He’s whistling like a songbird and wearing what must be the world’s smallest tuxedo. Bizarre.
“Turn that thing off,” Casey purrs. “And come say goodnight like a gentleman.”
You may as well have offered yourself up instead of an engagement ring for how Casey has you wrapped around her finger, so you turn off the TV and obligingly crawl to her side of the couch.
*
At your fifteen year reunion—God, you’re getting old—you’re bombarded with several pictures of Barry and Sharri. You’ve only seen them out and about in the stroller but closer inspection proves the situation just as strange. Not that you’d say so to their parents’ faces, because you’re not a dickhead, and also because Gary is a big guy and could probably do some damage if he really wanted to.
Normally, the gossip of the evening would be if Mary really had an affair with a travelling felt salesman—one Muppet baby should be conclusive proof, but their being twins complicates the matter—but there’s something far more interesting, and that’s the strange creature on Walter’s arm.
Probing by your wife reveals that the little orange dork is, somehow, some way, Walter’s boyfriend. He spends the evening linked on Walter’s arm, laughing uproariously at every little joke he makes and bragging loudly about all his many accomplishments. Broke Kermit out of jail, y’know. Went all the way to Siberia. I’ve never had better pancakes. Just the best performer in the world. Such a hunk. It all seems utterly genuine.
Huh. Well, every pot finds a lid, as the saying goes, even if the pot is small and strange and made of fabric. You’ve found your special someone. Why shouldn’t the weird kids get a chance?