Chapter Text
August
Wille
“Are you sure about this?” Felice asks. But even Wille can hear that she doesn’t really mean the words. Why wouldn’t he be sure? The minute he’d stepped out of the black, stupidly expensive car just a few days ago, the Oxford air hitting him like a promise, he was sure. It felt like he could breathe for the first time in his life. The beautiful, older, charismatic building of Oxford University in front of him felt like a new beginning. A place where he could find out who he was without the suffocating walls of Drottningholm Slott pressing down on his shoulders. Even if there was an underlying fear to it all. Because what if this was it? What if Crown Prince Wilhelm was all he’ll ever be? Would he survive it?
It was kind of funny, because Oxford University was like a small village, with facilities scattered throughout Oxford. But this structure looming in front of him, the place that would be his home for the next ten months as an exchange student, looked almost like a Palace too. With its green lawns separated by stone paths, greyish brick walls and old-fashioned windows it was like walking into an old castle.
Fair enough, Drottningholm Slott didn’t look anything like this. It was too plain, too basic. But what had hit Wille in the moment was that this old, building just a short drive away from London felt more like home for the two minutes he’d been staring at it, than the huge Palace back in Stockholm had ever done. It might look like a castle, but it didn’t feel suffocating. No one was watching him here.
“Yes, Felice,” Wille says, annoyed, as he checks his outfit one last time in the mirror. “We’ve been here for four days, school starts Monday. We need to go out and party, celebrate.” He’d read about this party on one of the school billboards during the first day of orientation. It was supposed to be THE place to be right before school starts. And Wille was determined to actually enjoy this year, before he had to go back to being Sweden’s Crown Prince again. Here he just hoped no one knew who he was, that everyone was too occupied with what they were doing to care about his title. Here, he was just going to be Wille.
He did appreciate that Felice had decided to apply for her own exchange program in history and politics, though. And that the Palace had insisted the school let them share a dorm room. It meant he didn’t have to be here alone. He could share it with his best friend and his soon to be PR manager. It was more than he’d ever dreamed about.
Wille turns around and locks eyes with Felice. A smile spreads on her lips and when he mirrors it, they both burst out laughing. “Come on then, let’s see if the party Prince still has some party in him,” she throws at him and bumps her shoulder against his on the way out of the room. Wille rolls his eyes and follows her out. Fair enough, he had a bit of a blurry past when it comes to partying. But the last few years he’d really tried to stay away from the media – hoping that when an opportunity like this presented itself, he could just be himself for once. He’d even made his own private social media account, to make sure it couldn’t be traced back to the Royal family. And up until now, it turned out it was working. He could just hope it would continue.
The drive to the party takes only a few minutes, and then both Felice and he stand in front of another huge building. This one’s more modern, Wille isn’t completely sure if it even belongs to campus at all. But the music comes blaring out, some Latino pop song with a bass that almost makes his heart make a double take.
“Come on,” Wille says with the biggest grin and pulls Felice with him through the door. Inside the music is even louder, there’s lights blinking in green and pink over the floor and it’s packed with people. For a moment it feels slightly overwhelming. Wille takes a breath. This is what he wanted, he will enjoy it.
The minute they walk through the door, a small plastic glass with something that even smells strong is placed in their hands. Wille looks at Felice who looks at him and when she shrugs her shoulders and downs the whole glass. Wille laughs before he does the same. It burns through his body, all the way to his stomach and he makes a grimace. “Damn, that’s nasty,” he says and coughs.
Felice laughs before she makes her way to the dance floor, disappearing in the crowd. Wille just stays on the side, observing. This will be his year. The year where he will be the person he’s always wanted to be. No title, no Crown, no parents watching over his shoulder. No cameras, no headlines trying to twist everything into a story. Just Wille, and the thrump in his chest saying: live.
“Are you new here?” a voice breaks through Wille’s daydreaming. He turns to the side where the voice came from, and his breath catches in his chest. Next to him is the most beautiful guy Wille has ever seen. His tanned skin sparkles in the neon lights. His dark curls frame his face like a halo, eyes shine in a way that makes Wille’s heart flutter. There’s something about the way he holds himself up, not because he’s taught to, but because his confidence lets him.
“Ehh…yeah,” Wille stammers. He tears his eyes away from the stranger as a server passes with a tray. Wille grabs two shots without thinking and downs them both. “You?” he asks eventually after clearing his throat, hoping his voice won’t come out too shaky.
The stranger leans against the wall, stares out over the dancing crowd in front of them while he speaks. “No, my second year. Music.” Then he looks at Wille with eyebrows lifted in a question. There’s something in the stranger’s voice, smooth and grounding, a soft accent – like he belongs anywhere he wants to be.
It takes Wille a few seconds before he registers that the stranger is silently asking what he’s studying. “Oohh, ehh…economics and management – exchange student,” Wille says before looking away. There’s something very mesmerizing about this guy he just can’t shake.
“That sounds so boring,” the stranger says, confidently. Wille looks at him, a little surprised at the stranger’s tone – it’s like he says what he means, doesn’t care if anyone agrees or not. But when Wille meets his eyes, there’s something playful in them and Wille let’s out a small laugh and shrugs his shoulders. “I’m Simon, by the way,” the guy adds with a smile.
“Wille. I…” he starts and glances over at the crowd to see if he can see Felice. He spots her on the other side, dancing together with someone Wille doesn’t know. Which is not so strange, because he doesn’t know anyone yet, except Felice, and Simon apparently. “I was thinking about dancing. Do you want to come with?” he continues a little shyly. Asking a stranger to dance at his first party is as far out of his comfort zone as it gets right now. But that’s also what he’s here for.
“Sure, why not,” Simon says and reaches out his hand. Wille hesitates for a second, before he decides that he needs to stop thinking too much, and just act. He takes Simon’s hand with a smile, and lets Simon lead him towards the dance floor.
It turns out Simon is an amazing dancer that definitely knows how to move and use his body to his advantage. It also turns out that Wille is the one on the receiving end of that advantage tonight. Not that he’s complaining, because dancing with Simon is intoxicating. It’s not just the fact that he enjoys Simon touching him, sometimes involuntary, sometimes intentionally. It’s how all of it is without context. Simon didn’t walk up to him because he was the Prince, it was because he didn’t know him at all.
Wille has no idea how long they’ve been dancing, but the bass thunders in his chest, and he feels slightly lightheaded. He hasn’t had that much to drink, and if this is going to continue, Wille definitely needs more. “I’m going to get a drink. You want anything?” he shouts into Simon’s ear over the music, praying he’ll say yes. He’s not completely done sharing his personal space with this guy yet.
Simon gives him a smile and a short nod before he makes his way through the dancing crowd to what Wille assumes is the bar. Wille orders two beers and protests when Simon tries to pay for it. He doesn’t want anyone here to know who he truly is, but he’s still going to use the money provided for him. “What a gentleman,” Simon says with a smirk that makes Wille’s stomach flip and takes the bottle Wille offers him.
For the next couple of hours at least they end up sitting at the bar, just talking and drinking. The alcohol hits his bloodstream, and by the fourth or fifth round (Wille has lost count) everything feels louder, freer, easier – realizing he hasn’t been performing for awhile. Simon seems popular as both boys and girls stop to chat with him, or just clap his back as they walk by. But he doesn’t make any effort to move away from Wille. In fact he sometimes even leans in closer, touches Wille’s arm, looks up at him through his eyelashes. If his mother had seen him now she would probably faint. Wille dismisses the thought as fast as it came.
When they make it back to the pulse of the music, Wille has learned four things. Simon is an incredible musician with a voice to die for, he actually lives in Spain, has the softest hands, and the most beautiful laugh Wille has ever heard. It’s like angels playing harps in his ears whenever Simon laughs. He’s learned more than that, but that’s all his alcohol-infused brain remembers as they lean on each other, giggling whenever one of them almost stumbles.
The dance floor is still packed with people, and he hasn’t even seen Felice in a while. But she’s a big girl, she can take care of herself. They find a spot at the side and Simon slides one of his arms around Wille’s neck and starts to dance. Wille slips one hand around Simon’s waist and does his best to follow him. He’s not exactly a great dancer, but there’s not much space to do anything else than sway anyway.
Simon is so close Wille can smell his citrusy cologne, and when Simon looks up at him through his eyelashes Wille’s heart skips a beat. Simon licks his lips. Wille can’t help but notice it, his pulse skipping. There’s just something about this stranger that draws Wille in. If he was out of his comfort zone asking Simon to dance, where this is headed is on another level. But he doesn’t really care.
So he leans slightly closer, never breaking eye contact, trying to read if Simon is just as into this as he is. Simon shifts closer and leans up to brush his lips against Wille’s, so lightly he barely feels it. But his lips tingle with the feeling of Simon’s breath against them.
When he doesn’t move away, only tightens his grip around Simon’s waist, Simon takes charge. He leans up and pulls Wille into a kiss. A shiver goes down Wille’s spine before he opens his mouth slightly, as an invitation Simon takes right away.
Wille is lost. Lost in the thundering music, the heat, the buzzing that is kissing Simon. A stranger he basically met a few hours ago. But this is college, far away from Sweden, from the Crown. And even if Wille hadn’t even dared to dream about anything like this ever happening – he’s definitely not complaining.
The kiss gets more heated. Tongues playing, teeth biting. Wille feels brave – probably because of the alcohol, but it doesn’t matter. He slides his hand carefully down to Simon’s backside. When the other hums into his mouth Wille places his other hand on Simon’s lower back and pulls him in closer.
The dancing crowd is forgotten a long time ago. Wille’s heart beats faster, harder – breath shallow. By the way Simon tugs at the hair in the nape of Wille’s neck, the way his tongue keeps sliding over Wille’s bottom lip, he’s pretty sure the other feels the same.
“I don’t usually go around kissing strangers,” Wille giggles when they break apart for air. He feels slightly breathless, and his body reacts to Simon in ways he’s never really experienced before. He’s had a few hook-ups with guys in his youth, but being the Crown Prince of Sweden isn’t exactly conducive to bragging about them.
Simon licks his own lips again, before he chuckles. “Well, it’s not my first hook-up. If you’re up for it?” Simon says, casually, and something flips in Wille’s stomach. Because he would very much like to let Simon have his way with him. So he tilts his head slightly to the side and a drunken smile spreads on his lips. “No strings, no phone numbers. Just fun. We probably won’t run into each other that often,” Simon continues with a smirk, his voice a little blurry from the alcohol. It takes Wille a minute to realize that the music building and his building are nowhere close to each other. So seeing Simon casually at school probably won’t happen much.
The realization makes his chest tighten. Not in regret or longing, just a discomfort he can’t quite name. He pushes the sad feeling away. A night of fun is exactly what he needs to start his journey of finding himself this year. “Yeah, I’m in,” he says, trying to sound as casual as Simon.
Simon grabs his hand, and starts walking in the opposite direction of where Wille entered. “Come on, I know a place,” he shouts over the music and Wille follows suit.
He suddenly spots Felice in the corner of his eye. She stands by the DJ, talking to two guys, laughing and smiling, her eyes shining. Wille smiles to himself. This would be their year. “Let me just tell my friend I’m leaving,” he shouts and stops Simon.
Simon nods at him and leans against the door, looking way too good. Wille tears his eyes away from him and makes his way over to Felice. When she sees him, her face lights up and she stumbles over to him, nearly tripping over her feet. “Wiiiiille,” she shouts and throws herself around his neck, clearly drunk.
Wille catches her and laughs, because he’s clearly just as drunk. “I’m leaving, you good?” he shouts into her ear. She looks at him with raised eyebrows before she tries to look over his shoulder. Her eyes apparently land on Simon and her mouth turns into a big O. “Wille, he’s fucking gorgeous. How did you pull that?” she shrieks and punches his shoulder.
“Shhhh!!! For fuck's sake,” he yells back at her, but he’s not exactly sure why. It’s not like Simon can hear her over the music anyway. She studies him for a short second, her eyes turn serious, like she tries to see what this means to him. He loves how much she cares, but this isn’t anything serious, so he smirks and shrugs his shoulders. “Don’t wait up.” He winks at her before he turns around and walks back to Simon.
Simon reaches out his hand when Wille is close enough. Wille takes it to let Simon lead him to whatever place he apparently knows about, but not before stealing another kiss. A kiss that turns out way more heated than he anticipated. A rush of something wild and terrifying burns in his chest. Maybe this is what freedom is supposed to feel like?
“So is this like your hook-up place or something?” Wille asks playfully when he walks into a small room a couple of floors up. The room is simple enough. Just a big couch, a small table, a big TV and a shelf with more gaming consoles than Wille has ever seen. He closes the door behind him to see three more shelves filled with different games in every category.
“No, I usually take them back to my dorm room, but this room has a lock and a couch so it’ll have to do,” Simon smirks at him before he pushes Wille towards the couch. Wille walks backwards, his hands finding their way to Simon’s hips. The ghost of the loud music downstairs hovers in the quiet of the room as his lips find Simon’s.
Wille sits down on the couch, Simon on his lap. When Simon’s lips find their way down Wille’s jaw, his neck he can’t help the small moan leaving his throat. Simon’s hands are soft when they glide under Wille’s t-shirt, leaving electrical shots at every spot over his chest.
“It didn’t look like you were expecting this tonight…so I guess you…don’t have condoms,” Simon breathes out between kisses. And Wille didn’t, in fact, believe this would happen. He hadn’t thought he was really allowed to even have this. And he did absolutely not bring condoms. “Because I won’t suck you off without one.” Shit!
Wille’s hands squeeze Simon’s ass a little involuntary, feeling Simon’s growing hard on against his own. His mind works overtime to come up with an answer that will give them both the pleasure they clearly seek here. “No, I don’t,” are all the words coming out of his mouth, hoping that Simon will have a better answer than him.
“Well,” Simon says, breathlessly, and sits back to look Wille in the eyes. Simon’s eyes shine with mischief, and Wille breathes faster just by the look in them. “Good thing I do then,” he says before he dives back into another kiss. Relief mixed with nervous excitement fills him. All he can think is how thankful he is that Simon actually comes prepared. And to make sure to buy condoms – you never know what can happen at Oxford, apparently. Simon licks into Wille’s mouth, drawing out a moan before he starts to unbutton Wille’s pants.
Simon climbs off his lap, and Wille shrugs off his pants and boxers in one go. Simon’s pants fall to the floor too, and Wille’s mouth goes dry for a second. A condom is tossed in his lap, and he rolls it on, before tugging Simon back to the couch. “You first,” he says, feeling brave and he can hear the breath catch in Simon’s chest. It fuels his bravery, and Wille tugs Simon’s t-shirt off and tosses it on the floor. He kisses down Simon’s neck, his chest, lets his hand wander down Simon’s body – his skin slick under Wille’s fingers. Anticipation spikes in his stomach as he lets his body take over and takes Simon's dick in his hand.
A moan escapes Simon’s lips and Wille start working him, slowly. He revels in all the beautiful sounds coming from Simon and it makes his own dick scream for attention. “No, don’t touch yourself,” Simon pants when Wille tries to move his hand to release his dick from the aching feeling of being left out.
The way Simon looks under his touch makes him want to do what he asks. So instead he lets Simon roll on the condom before he kisses down his chest, making sure to take some extra time around his nipples when Simon moans loudly the minute Wille touches them with his tongue.
He kisses down his stomach, licks down his happy trail. Can feel how Simon holds his breath until Wille takes him in his mouth, and he lets out a loud relived sigh. For a quick second Wille wonders how it would be to have Simon like this without the loud music, without the alcohol buzzing in his head. But he pushes the thought out of his mind as fast as it came in.
The bass from downstairs still shakes the floor under him when Wille starts moving his head – trying to feel what Simon likes by the way his body reacts. Simon breathes faster, heavier, so he must be doing something right. “Fuck…” Simon gasps and leans his head back on the couch with closed eyes.
So Wille works harder, faster. His own body feels on fire fused with adrenaline and alcohol. “Fuuuuck,” Simon moans as his hips stutter and Wille can feel the condom fill up. Sucking Simon off on the couch, knowing that there are hundreds of people dancing downstairs feels exhilarating. And Wille’s whole body aches to feel Simon’s hands on him too.
Wille lets go of Simon’s dick, and sits down next to him. He breathes heavy, but with a smile on his face and he opens one eye to peek at Wille. “Fuck,” he breathes out again with a small laugh, and Wille’s chest blooms with pride for some reason. It feels good, knowing that he’s the one to make Simon look so undone under his touch.
There’s some loud chatter and laughing outside the door. Wille’s eyes dart towards it and he freezes. “Relax – I locked the door,” Simon laughs before he leans over and kisses Wille again, hard and messy, and everything else is forgotten.
Simon gets off the couch. Kneels between Wille’s legs. Kisses up his thighs, and Wille just lets his head fall back on the couch. When Simon takes him in his mouth, he holds on to the cushions, feeling like he might pass out. His dick has been aching to be touched for what feels like an eternity. So feeling Simon’s warm mouth around him, his soft hands on his thighs is almost too much.
Wille tries to breathe, to focus. Moans “fuck, fuck, fuck” on repeat until the orgasm washes over him like a wave. His whole body shakes and he’s not sure if he’s ever gotten a better blow job in his entire life.
For several minutes Wille just sits there and focuses on breathing with a satisfied smile on his face. More chatter sounds from the hallway as probably more and more people leave the party. Was this someone’s dorm? Was it Simon’s dorm? No, he wouldn’t take him here if it was his dorm, they would be in Simon’s room. Wille opens his eyes and sees Simon pulling on his boxers and t-shirt. He smiles when Wille looks up.
“We should probably leave, I need to walk back to my dorm, so it’ll take a while,” Simon says and tosses Wille’s boxers and pants on the couch. Their eyes linger for a second longer, and Wille feels like everything will be fine. It doesn’t feel like being used, it just feels like a casual hook-up between two strangers.
Wille almost says they can share an Uber, but then Simon had said no strings and no phone numbers. So knowing which dorm was Simon’s probably wasn’t the best idea. It would be easier to think of this as a one-time thing, if he didn’t know where he lived.
So Wille takes the condom off, ties it and puts his clothes back on. “So, where are we throwing these away?” he asks with a laugh, and points to the condoms on the floor. The alcohol still buzzes in his head, making it a very valid question to ask without blushing.
“There’s a trashcan in the restroom across the hallway, just outside,” Simon laughs before he picks his up and just walks out without even looking if someone’s in the hallway. Clearly not his first time sneaking out like this, Wille thinks. He takes a quick second to let everything that just happen sink in. Simon had been clear on it just being a one-night thing. But Wille had spent hours with him tonight – got to know more about him than just this. For some reason it makes his chest tighten a little. He shakes his head. He’s been here four days; there’ll hopefully be more hook-ups. Then he walks out after Simon.
Outside the air is a little cooler than when they got here, and it feels good on his heated skin. “Well, it was nice meeting you, Wille,” Simon says and leans up to place a small kiss on Wille’s lips. “Maybe I’ll see you around here, we got a year after all.” With a wink and a smirk, Simon turns and walks away into the dark.
Wille just stands there looking after him. Maybe I’ll see you around. Wille isn’t sure if he wants those words to come true or not, mostly for his own sanity. If they did this again, would he be able to just go along with a two-times thing? But then again, it wasn’t his choice alone. When Simon rounds the corner, Wille realizes he didn’t even say goodbye.
But the ghost of Simon’s lips, his smell, still lingers like an echo in the space around Wille.
🧭
Wille barely remembers getting back to his dorm. He definitely had too much to drink last night if he’s going to judge by the pounding headache and the dryness in his mouth. “So, did you have fun last night?” Felice’s voice breaks through his sleep and he can feel her bouncing on the bed next to him. Wille groans and tugs the covers over his head.
When he got back he crashed on the bed, didn’t even care to undress. He was tired, satisfied and way too drunk to even check if Felice was asleep. Felice laughs and it makes his head pound harder. He peeks out from the covers and looks at her. She doesn’t even look affected at all, her hair a little messy, but other than that she looks good. “Not so loud, will you?” Wille groans, annoyed. “Why are you so cheery? Didn’t you drink anything?”
“I did. But I’ve been up for over an hour and already had painkillers, water and coffee. So we need to get you out of bed and coffee and some food in your system,” she says and pulls the covers off him. He rolls his eyes at her before burying his face in the pillow. “We need to check out the classrooms today. I know it’s a Sunday, but we still don’t know where to go tomorrow.”
They might’ve been here five days, and they have attended plenty of orientations around campus – but they haven’t been inside the classroom for tomorrow. So Wille drags his feet slowly out of bed and Felice hands him some painkillers and a bottle of water when he sits up on the bed.
Wille manages to take a shower, get a coffee from the cafeteria and refuse to eat breakfast before they walk outside into the warm summer day. They find their respective places and meet the professors before they spend the rest of the day just chilling out in the sun.
There’s something very relaxing about lying on the grass under one of the huge trees, listening to students talking and laughing, playing games or just take in the sun. At least to Wille it is – it almost makes it easy to just exist in this non-royal world. This was freedom, no cameras, no security close by. He knew he had to have them, but he said they were supposed to stay far away, dressed in normal clothes and they were not allowed inside parties or other student events. He was supposed to be free here, and having security follow your every move was not something he would go along with. And they were not to tell his parents or the Court anything if it wasn’t something so serious it would really concern them.
“Hey, what happened with the hottie last night?” Felice asks after they’ve sat under the tree and just observed the life for a while.
Wille tries to hide a smile unsuccessfully, and Felice shoves his shoulder with a smirk. “His name is Simon, he’s from Spain. Studies music at his second year and he’s a great dancer,” Wille starts. When he doesn’t say anything more, Felice shifts so she sits right in front of him and looks expectantly at him. Wille hates how good she knows him. “We kissed, hooked up and that’s it. One time, I don’t even have his number or knows where he lives.”
Wille has tried for the last hour sitting here to think about the places where he might run into Simon. He’s come up with parties, events, maybe casually around the school grounds, but that’s a long shot, or in the library if he’s lucky. He would probably spend a lot of time at the library when school starts for real, but he’s not completely sure how much time Simon will need in the library studying music. Maybe they even have their own little library for all he knows.
“And are you okay with that?” Felice asks and studies him for a second – like she’s trying to read his mind. Is he okay with that? It’s not like he has a choice.
“Yes, I’m okay with that,” he replies, and the words feel both right and wrong at the same time. “I just met him. Did I feel a connection? Maybe. But he was clear, no strings. No phone numbers. And it’ll be other people, hopefully.” It’s the truth, even if there’s a small voice in the back of his head saying that maybe he wished he could actually get to know Simon. Even if he wasn’t completely sure if the word hopefully actually meant other people, or if it meant Simon.
Felice is quiet for a second, and it makes him uncomfortable. Not because she makes him uncomfortable, but more like she knows there’s something more behind his words. “Well, as long as you’re not going to sit around and mope, I’m good,” she says eventually and Wille looks up at her with an offended look on his face. “If you are, we need to just cure that heartbreak before it settles deeper, because I can’t deal with it just yet.”
Wille can hear the playful tone in her voice, and he flips her off before he lies back down on the ground. It only makes her laugh and she gets up, saying she’s supposed to meet someone from the party for dinner today. “You can come along if you want?” she adds. But he tells her he’s fine by himself, and she walks over to two girls standing by the door to the cafeteria.
He should probably eat though, it’s not like he’s had that much to eat today. But the thought of food still makes his stomach growl in a not friendly way. So he decides to skip it.
For the rest of the day he just enjoys the campus grounds. He ends up chatting a little with a couple of guys who are going to be in his class, Henry and Walter, who he meets outside the auditorium on his way back to his room. It’s nice to at least have a couple of familiar faces tomorrow.
🧭
“Hey, Wille,” Henry calls when Wille walks into the auditorium the next morning. He walks over and sits down next to him and Walter, happy to have someone there. Wille takes a quick look around the room. No one pays any attention to him, no bows or shaking of hands. It fells…normal. “Ready for the first day?” Henry continues, and Wille shakes his head lightly.
“Yeah, it feels good. It’s very different from back in Sweden,” Wille laughs. If they only knew who he truly is back in Sweden he’s not completely sure if they would still be around. Or maybe they would be around because he’s the Crown Prince. His stomach flips uncomfortably, it feels like everything he says is both the truth and a lie. He’s used to people only wanting to stick around because they want to be friends with the Prince. By hiding, he’ll figure out who wants to be his friends because of Wille, not because of Crown Prince Wilhelm.
The professor walks in, and the class goes by faster than Wille had ever thought it would. By the time he leaves the auditorium, he has already gotten his first paper to write and is in a study group with Henry, Walter, and someone named Alexander. “We’ll catch you for a late lunch, Wille? Need to pick up some stuff from the campus office,” Walter says after class, and Wille decides to sit down at the library until then, having a free period and all.
Trying to read up on his first management paper turns out to be very unsuccessful. He hasn’t exactly thought that much about Simon since Saturday, but he’s also been very excited about his first classes. Now that it’s over, his mind drifts. What did Simon do? Was he in some music class? Was he singing? Wille remembers how Simon’s voice had sounded in his ears at the party – even drunk and over the music he’d sounded like an angel.
No, he’s not supposed to think about Simon. Because it was a one-time thing, nothing more. Simon had been clear on that, and Wille had agreed. It was simpler that way, easier. But they’d also been very drunk, so could he really trust his own (or Simon’s) judgment that night? It had clearly not been Simon’s first hook-up, and Wille catches himself hoping that it wouldn’t be their last.
After one and a half hours at the library, unable to read one single word, he packs up and walks to the cafeteria. Wille stops at the billboard in the main hall, just to have a look at events happening. He will attend as much as possible this year. A green and brown poster with stars and leaves along the sides catches his eye. “The Fall Concert – student performances.” Will Simon perform? Wille will definitely be there, just in case. Why wouldn’t he attend the fall concert? It’s a big part of the Oxford experience, of course he should be there.
He writes down the date in his phone’s calendar together with a couple of other student activities he would like to look into. Then he makes his way to meet up with Henry and Walter.
The rest of the week and mostly the next one too, goes by basically like the first day. Classes in the morning, lunch with Henry and Walter. Now also joined by Felice and her new friends Stella, Fredrika and Maddie. Usually after lunch they hung out at the library if they didn’t have classes. During the weekend they went to a spontaneous poetry reading outside of campus, and Wille actually felt like he could enjoy himself. The seven of them had become a small group of friends, just after the first three days, and Wille couldn’t be happier. There was a small conscience on his shoulder from time to time telling him that he was lying to them, but he pushed it away, hoping that when they eventually found out, they would understand his position in all this.
Only one thing was missing.
Simon.
Simon was still on his mind every night before he went to sleep. And that wasn’t supposed to happen. Simon was going to be a one-time thing, nothing more. The other day he’d been so sure he’d seen those dark curls in the library, heard that angelic laugh blow towards him. The Oxford University library looked like it had been taken straight out of the 1800’s, with its old wooden shelves and beautiful paintings in the ceiling. The acoustics in there were insane.
His heart had skipped a beat, and he’d looked up and towards the sound so fast both Henry and Fredrika had nearly fallen off their chairs. “What’s going on?” Henry asked, and looked around the library like he was supposed to understand Wille’s reaction.
When he didn’t he looked back at Wille, his face full of question marks. Wille hesitated for a second, debating what to say or even do about it. Should he do anything about it? He cleared his throat and shook his head. “Nothing, I just thought I heard…never mind,” he stammered. He could see on Henry’s face, even only after knowing him a week and a half that he didn’t really believe him, but decided to let it go.
After trying and failing for at least half an hour to write anything on his paper, he’d given up. “I think I’m done for today, I’ll catch you guys later,” Wille mumbled and tried for a smile. No one else at the table had nearly registered he was leaving, only a couple slow nods, everyone so occupied with their own work. Wille walked slowly towards where he’d been sure he’d seen those curls, pulled out his phone and scrolled, pretending to be occupied. His eyes glanced over to the sides. And just like he thought – at one of the tables, surrounded by a group of five students who looked like they belonged with him, was Simon.
He looked so at ease, like he was exactly where he was supposed to be. He belonged without trying, while Wille still learned how to even fit into normality. They were sitting close together, clearly looking at something on the same laptop, smiling and silently cheering each other on. Wille just walked by, pretending he didn’t see him. He shouldn’t even think about Simon, definitely not seek him out – no strings, no numbers. And if Simon did see him, he pretended the same.
And here he was again, Thursday night. Almost two weeks after he met Simon the first time, and just a couple of days after seeing him in the library, tossing and turning in his bed unable to fall asleep. He’d been beating himself up for not trying to catch Simon’s attention at the library. But he’d looked busy and occupied, and Wille didn’t exactly know what the rules were. Also, getting too attached felt terrifying. So he hadn’t done anything, but it hadn’t helped his brain to not think about him.
“Wille, seriously,” Felice’s voice comes through the dark, and suddenly he feels her jump into his bed beside him. “What’s going on? I can’t sleep with you literally bouncing around your bed like this.” She pulls his cover over herself too, and places her hand on his chest. A grounding action she knew would help him relax. She’d helped him through enough panic attacks to know what helped him calm down. And even if this wasn’t a panic attack, the act was still welcome.
“I can’t get him out of my head,” Wille sighs, frustrated, knowing that he won’t be able to hide it from her any more.
It takes a minute before she answers, and Wille wishes he could read her face to try and figure out what she’s thinking. “Who?” she just asks, and an annoyed laugh bubbles up Wille’s chest.
“What do you mean, who?” He asks and almost snorts at her sudden cluelessness. “Simon.” Just saying his name out loud makes Wille’s heart take a double turn. He’s told himself, over and over, it’s just because Simon was good – good at kissing, good at making him feel seen and wanted without hidden intentions for once in his life. But underneath all the denial, he knows it’s not just that. That night felt different, somehow. Real. And if it was just because Simon was good, he wouldn’t lie awake thinking about him for over a week.
Felice sighs, like she knew this would happen. She sits up and turns on the small nightlight at his bedside table. It casts a low glow around them, just enough for him to make out her face. “Off course you would fall for the insanely hot, Spanish boy,” she says, but there’s a smirk playing on her lips and even in the low glow her eyes sparkle. “Didn’t I say we were supposed to take care of that heartbreak right away?”
“Shut up,” Wille whines and hides his blushing face in his pillow. Felice bursts out laughing, making the heat on Wille’s face turn hotter. “I never said I’d fallen for him. I just can’t stop thinking about him,” he groans into the pillow. And he hears how it sounds when the words are out of his mouth. It had definitely sounded better inside his head.
Felice chases her own breath a few times when her laughing slows down. Wille raises his head slightly from the pillow to look at her and flips her off, which only makes her laugh again. “Okay, listen,” she says when she’s caught her breath, and Wille sighs. He’s not completely sure what smart ass ideas that will come out of her mouth right now – it could be anything, really. “Maddie invited us girls to a small party tomorrow. Come, it’ll get your mind of it.”
“What kind of party? Doesn’t she study art or something?” he asks. Another party might not be the worst idea, as long as he doesn’t drink as much as last time. He has to study this weekend having two papers to write already. No slacking at Oxford. Also, he’s well aware that the art and music studies are located in the same building. Meaning that maybe Maddie lived near Simon?
Felice gets out of his bed and walks over to her own. “No, she studies English literature,” Felice says and lies down. Oh, English literature was not the same place as the music classes. Wille’s heart drops a little, and he takes a deep breath. “But it's at her partner’s dorm I think, and they study fine arts. It’ll be fun. Apparently the music and art students know how to throw a party. Now sleep, Wille.”
Fine arts. His heart picks up speed. He got the impression that Simon liked to party, so maybe this was his maybe I’ll see you around?
“How do you expect me to fall asleep after you invite me to a party thrown by the music students?” Wille whines. He was supposed to stop thinking about Simon, not get his hopes up that he’ll run into him again. But what if Simon actually didn’t want to see him? What if he woke up the next day and was happy he hadn’t given Wille his number, that they’d agreed on it being a one night only? What if maybe I’ll see you around, was just drunk Simon talking?
He wants to see Simon again, but he also wants to prove to Felice, to himself, that he doesn’t need to. Maybe that’s what scares him the most. Was this what freedom was supposed to feel like? Having to make your own decisions and take the consequences of them. If it is, Wille can get used to it, even if it's scary.
“Sleep, Wille,” Felice says with a yawn. Wille stares up at the ceiling for another moment. He’s been here for two weeks, he can’t be stuck on the first guy he meets.
These new thoughts swirl around in Wille’s brain until he drifts off to sleep. He won’t catch that many hours, so a nap before this party tomorrow is non-negotiable. A party he now has very conflicting feelings about.