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Not Anymore.
Shane’s arms were wrapped around Ilya, tightly.
Shane pulled him close to his body, allowing himself to be pressed into the mattress with the weight of Ilya on top of him, like sinking under a weighted blanket. He held his head, running his fingers through his curls and making soothing noises to calm himself down as much as Ilya. He wanted to cocoon the pair of them together, he wanted them to melt into one body and soul and stay like it forever.
Shane had never felt so free.
I love you so much.
It had been gnawing at him for months, years if he was being completely honest with himself. He’d wanted to tell this man he loved him so desperately for a long, long time. It had felt even more desperate hearing Ilya wanted a green card and had thought about marrying Svetlana. Shane was sure she was nice, but Ilya was his and he was Ilya’s.
He only wished he’d been brave enough to say I love you on the sofa last night.
But no.
Ilya had been the brave one.
His early hour confession had swelled in Shane’s chest, making it feel like it was going to burst out. It was indescribable, how it felt to be loved by Ilya Rozanov. But if Shane was certain of one thing these days, he was made to love Ilya and maybe, just maybe, Ilya thought the same of him.
His ideas for their future, the charity, Ilya moving to Ottawa, trying to get people used to the idea of them as friends before they are ready to tell the world the truth. It had all tumbled out of his mouth and evoked a very emotional response from Ilya and here they were, crying in each other's arms because of how deeply and fiercely they loved one another.
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.
It was as truthful as they’d ever been with one another. He wanted to kiss Ilya over and over, tell him how truly gone he was for him, wrap him up and protect him from the world, just the two of them.
Especially after learning about Ilya’s family; Shane doesn’t think he’s had many people in his corner telling him how important he is to them. He decided the moment those words of confession left his own lips that he would do anything to make Ilya smile, feel happy, feel loved.
He even, for the briefest of seconds, contemplated giving up hockey for him.
Briefly.
While he’d sat awake as Ilya slept, he’d wondered if they should just both hand the towel in and announce their love to the world. There was power in just saying fuck it, I love this person and there’s nothing you can do to change anything.
Scott Hunter had been brave enough.
A very different situation, but he’d been fierce and free. He had been able to say I love this person and I’m gonna scream to the world how much I love them.
Shane wanted everyone to know how much he loved Ilya, but it wasn’t the same as Scott. It was far more complicated. But he did entertain the idea, however fleeting the idea was, of just tweeting a pic of the two of them lying in bed and having done with it.
That single thought alone had scared Shane to death and so it passed by not long after entering his consciousness. So he wracked his brain into being more logical, thinking more clearly and not letting his feelings about Ilya overwhelm the situation.
So he settled for the idea of Ilya moving closer to Ottawa, they both still wanted to win that cup a few more times, desperately. So it was silly to think he should just give everything up. He didn't want to make decisions for Ilya either. He was his own person and there had been a small chance that he’d just laugh at Shane’s plan.
Thank goodness he didn’t.
Ilya’s breath stutters as he lays atop Shane’s form, Shane squeezed tighter. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.
He runs his hand from Ilya’s hair to his chin and tilts it up so their eyes meet. He hopes Ilya can see the love in his eyes as they soak each other in. Shane leans down and kisses Ilya with fervour. It deepens, Ilya’s tongue begs for entrance and Shane lets him. He can taste tears and smoke in Ilya's mouth. They move with such natural syncopation. Shane wonders if Ilya can taste his tears too, and he wonders if he feels this love drunk about being loved and being in love.
They kiss for however long, no one counting, no one gasping for air, just languid but hungry in the need for one another. Shane’s hands are constantly in Ilya’s hair, Ilya’s are on Shane’s hips. There’s friction building but neither want to start too much, just being happy to kiss one another. When their lips finally break apart, Shane kisses a trail from his lips up to his forehead where he once again, pulls Ilya close to squeeze him tight.
They’re both so overcome with emotion but so present in the moment. Shane feels if he doesn't say I love you again he might explode.
“I’ve loved you for so long” Shane mumbles, his lips pressed on the crown of Ilya’s head. “I think I’ve loved you a lot longer than I allow myself to believe. It was always you, you’re all I think about. I love you so much, when I saw you dancing with that girl in the club, I wanted to die. I have never loved anything or anyone like I have you. My body is yours, my heart is yours, my everything is yours”
Ilya is full on sobbing in his arms before Shane can even get his confession out of his tongue. Shane too. Shane is desperate to show Ilya how much he loves him, how much he feels within himself. He is a livewire of want and lust and love and hope. It’s cathartic, nine years of their whirlwind of a situationship crashing in on them both. But Shane’s honesty in that moment only makes them both cry harder.
“I have loved you since Vegas, I think” Shane continues, both of them slowly rocking in the bed. Shane pressing kisses all across Ilya’s face and in his hair while his fingers dance across his back and arms. Ilya’s quiet, just the odd mumbled russian that makes Shane feel crazy. He does however, plant kisses on Shane’s chest. “You hadn’t texted me in months and then you came waltzing back into my life and I was so eager for your attention. When you kissed me in that bathroom, I knew then and there that I was fucked. I love everything about you, I want to love you forever, for as long as I’m able to”
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.
They just touch each other and kiss one another over and over, their skin dancing with heat and light and love as they dissolve together in the bed. They’re both complete wrecks but it didn’t matter, what mattered was this moment, this confession, this feeling.
They both grasped at one another, kissing with everything they were thinking and feeling, kissing with complete and utter desperation to show each other love in ways they’d previously been holding back from doing.
Shane was seeing colours and stars and feeling very overwhelmed but it was the only instance in his life he can remember liking that feeling. He’d spent so much of his life fighting for control, order and structure that he sometimes forgets it’s okay to let go, to feel, to be wild.
Every millimetre of his skin, every cell of his body, every hair on his head, it all in the moment, belonged to Ilya and Ilya alone. He felt alive, so alive. And so, completely and irrevocably in love.
“I’ve loved you… longer than that” Ilya sniffles, pressing a kiss to Shane’s neck. He lifts his head and Shane’s heart explodes. Tears streaming down his face, the light from the lamp dancing across his skin. He looks so beautiful, so soul-crushingly and overwhelmingly beautiful. Nothing Shane had ever seen in life was as beautiful as the man before him. No one compared. The lashes, the hair, the jaw, the moles, the fury, the want, the pain, all of it.
Ilya Rozanov was a storm that had blasted through Shane’s defenses and swept him up into a furious desire to love and lust and fuck and comfort and confide. He was the reason Shane breathed, the reason Shane ate, the reason Shane lived. Everything Shane did from this point on was for Ilya, he swore it in that moment, looking at his face.
Shane felt curious though, he didn’t think Ilya thought of him as more than their situationship until maybe the tuna melt incident. So to hear him say longer than that ago… Shane felt warmed.
“Oh” Shane said, quietly, like a whisper on the wind outside, barely audible.
“Moya Lyubov, since the first time. You were so… brave and met my uh, how do you say… boldness?” Ilya questions. Shane nods as Ilya sinks into him, resting his head on Shane’s chest and running his hands idly along his side. “I thought, you were so beautiful, your freckles, your eyes… and then, you started folding your clothes. I knew then, that I would have to keep you at arms length or I was going to get hurt. I didn’t believe that you would ever love me back, ever”
Shane felt a blush creep up his neck and swarm his face. He knew he had certain idiosyncrasies which people had long moaned at him for. But Ilya had never said anything about them, so Shane assumed he’d never really noticed. But here he was, saying that when Shane folded his clothes, because he hated screwed up clothes, it endeared Ilya so much he was certain it was love.
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.
They just cried more and more, feeling such joy and elation. Shane knew he would be very drained and need some time alone tomorrow to come down and process; but that was a problem for tomorrow. Now, it was all about this wonderful man who was on top of him, crying in disbelief at how much they loved one another. Shane feathered kisses on his forehead and lips, gentle, never probing. He felt complete, whole.
He gently guided Ilya’s head to his chest once again and wrapped him up in his arms, squeezing tightly. They both sighed in contentment. Their eyes began to dry out as the hours ticked by, finally having cried everything out of their system and confessed their everlasting love to one another.
“I want to stay in this bed with you forever” Shane.
“I want to love you forever” Ilya.
“You have me” Shane.
“I do”
There’s a beat-
“We have each other”
“we do, moya lyubov”
“my everything”
“ya tebya lyublyu”
“I love you too”
That was the last thing either of them said, before their breathing evened, their hearts stopped beating so quickly and they sank together into a beautiful, deep sleep where they held one another all night.
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.