Chapter Text
Things were quiet. Well- not quiet, with Holly and her friends loudly exclaiming about how difficult and confusing this game was downstairs, and the entire party, dishes clanking as they cleaned up what was left of Karen's dinner. But still, quiet. Quiet in Mike's mind, a sad sort of one, one that makes you feel empty, stuck in place.
Things were over. The party was finally growing up and it had just hit Mike as Dustin yammered on and on about college and how great it would be, as if it didn't mean leaving everyone behind. Leaving Mike behind. And it was even worse when Lucas joined in, talking about how him and Max were gonna be going to the same college off in Indianapolis. Close, but not close enough. And then Will, Will just had to join in, talk about how excited he was to finally be at NYU and around people who understood him, even if only four people in that room knew what he meant by that.
It made Mike feel sick, even when he knew it shouldn't, knew that it was wrong to be this selfish. His friends deserved to be happy, and Mike was awful for wishing that they'd all just stay in Hawkins forever, never follow out their dreams and stay miserable for the rest of their lives just like Mike planned to.
The worst part is, he couldn't even tell any of them, and he wasn't even sure why. He knew they'd understand, that they would comfort him, hug him and tell him it'd be alright. But that didn't matter. That deep, dark part of his mind that said he had to be the strong one, the capable one, Mike the Brave, it persisted. It always has and always would.
And it was so, so stupid how Mike was worried about all this, after Vecna had been defeated, after Eleven had died. God he was a wreck, a complete and utter asshole too. He just couldn't move on, could he? He'd live exactly how Hopper said, digging himself into a deep dark hole that he won't be able to crawl out of. And he deserved it. Mike Wheeler, he deserved to be alone.
He figured that this was why things seemed so.. silent. It was a quiet acceptance, he was starting to realize. And oh, Mike wanted to cry. He wanted to so bad, especially as he watched his mom bring Dustin into a tight embrace, followed by Lucas, Max, and.. Will. He knew she was saying her goodbyes to them, how proud she was of them. Mike swallowed, rough, hard, as if he had a rock stuck in his throat.
Mike watched, watched as one by one, his friends saying their goodbyes, giving tear-filled hugs as if this was the last time they'd see eachother. Dustin left first, then Max, who was soon followed by Lucas who had hugged Mike extra tight, giving him a knowing look and a comforting pat on the shoulder. Then, there was just him and Will.
Mike knew this one would hurt the most. Even if Will wasn't supposed to leave for another three months, Mike just couldn't take any sort of goodbye, especially not now and especially not with Will. He wasn't ready to move on, wasn't ready to move forward, to accept things.
Sometimes he just wished things would go back to the way they were, the party meeting up every other Saturday at Mike's house for movie night, them biking down to Lover's Lake each summer to have a picnic in the forest and splash around in the water, reminiscing. He missed the hours spent playing D&D, the late night study sessions, the arguing over whether Star Trek or Star Wars was better.
Mike Wheeler never wanted to grow up.
He guessed that all he really wanted.. was to sit in his rickety old basement, playing games for the rest of their lives. God he wanted it more than anything, needed it.
Will spoke up first. "Um, do you wanna.." he gestured to the door. Mike stammered, "Oh uh- yeah, yeah- Sorry.." He didn't know why he was apologizing, but he did anyways, walking past Will and reluctantly pulling the door open, so slowly that you'd almost think he was pulling a boulder single-handly.
Will scooted past him, walking outside and letting the cool, late night Hawkin's air hit him. Mike followed, shutting the door behind them. And they just stood there, a while, too. It was as if Will was refusing to look at him, while Mike kept glancing over, waiting, praying that Will would say something.
Mike gave in and broke the silence. "Geez it's cold tonight, brrrr.." he gave a light laugh after that, but Will didn't respond with the same light heartedness, a simple "Yeah." Being all that fell from his lips. And that yeah was basically a death sentence, a confirmation that Mike had screwed everything up. He supposed he had known this for a while, but Will saying that made it click.
They stood in silence for a while longer, Mike stuffing his hands into his pockets and trying to keep warm. Hawkins was quiet tonight, everything bathed in a beautiful blue hue, the moon shining a bright yellow above them. Crickets sounded all around, emphasizing Will's silence and making Mike itch for closure.
"Do you think that it could actually be real for me?" Will finally said. Mike looked down at him, "What?" He asked, and Will finally looked at him, turning his head to face the taller man. "The ending you wrote for me, about me finding.. happiness, acceptance. Do you really.. think it could happen?" And Mike's heart shattered.
Mike knew what he was asking, knew what he was imagining. It was the same thing that Mike had just earlier that night. The worst part is, he did think it could be, and he hated that he felt this way about it, hated that more than anything he wanted his best friend to not find happiness, acceptance, love.
Will was asking if he could be happy without Mike, and the answer was yes. It was always yes.
Mike swallowed, trying not to let any emotion slip out. "Yeah, yeah I do. I really do." He said with a hoarse voice, throat feeling as though it was wrapped in barbed-wire as he smiled through the pain, the discomfort. He knew Will needed it, knew Will needed him to keep pretending that he was really Mike the Brave.
Will smiled, a sad sort of smile as if he was upset with Mikes answer. "Thank you, Mike." Will says, turning his focus back to the street, the lamps shining ominously in the dark. And Mike just wants to die, perish right on the spot even if he knows he said the right thing, did the right thing. Because at the end of the day, Will deserves to be happy without him.
Mike bites his lip, sinking his teeth into the soft tissue unapologetically, as if a punishment. He looks out at Hawkins, this small, stupid little town that made living more difficult, made being yourself impossible. Mike wanted to blame it, so badly he wanted to, wanted to say that reason he could never say any of this outloud was because of this awful town. But it'd be a lie. Will was able to build up the courage, be the brave one even after all he been through, with the Upside Down and with having to grow up here. Why could Will and why couldn't Mike..?
Mike knew the answer, he always had. Something was wrong with him. He was never brave, not even close. He was weak, in body and mind. He always had been, and no matter what he did he always would be. He was never Mike the Brave. It was a child's tale, a fantasy. Because at the end of the day, no matter what he did, no matter how much he pretended, he would still be him, little Mike who couldn't even tell his girlfriend I love you in her final moments, couldn't tell his best friend everything he had felt for him even though he'd be leaving soon to. His life was a joke, he was a joke.
The silence that surrounded the two.. Mike couldn't tell if it was unsettling or comfortable, the cold air prickling at his skin and giving him goosebumps. He kept his eyes firmly focused on the yard across from them, not daring to look at Will, not daring to face him. It'd hurt too much. And hey, Hawkins was quite pretty at night, not as pretty as Will ofcourse, but pretty enough to distract Mike from staring at the only one he had ever wanted. The grass swayed in the cool breeze, sprinklers spraying rythmatically over freshly cut grass. Crickets sounded and the stars sparkled. It was a gorgeous night, a perfect end to their childhood, end to everything.
Will shifted, stuffing his hands into his pockets. Mike's focus was immediately broken, opting for looking at Will instead in a heartbeat. Will returned his gaze. "Well uh.. I guess this is goodnight?" Will said, seeming unsure, uncomfortable. "Oh uh- yeah, yeah I guess so." Mike responded, mimicking Will and stuffing his hands into his front pants pocket to protect them from the growing cold.
"Thanks for the campaign by the way." Will said, a smile hinting at his lips, Mike melting at the little detail. "It was.. fun." Mike nodded, grinning way wider than he should've "Yeah?" Will smiled back, more sincere this time, more sure. "Yeah." He agreed.
They reveled in the silence, just smiling at eachother, an understanding of the situation that neither of them would ever verbalize. "Well.. Goodnight then." The streetlights buzzed. "Yeah, goodnight." Will didn't move, as if.. he was waiting for something. There was a hint of hope in Mike's eyes, but he didn't do anything, didn't say anything. Like always, he was a coward. Would he really ever be anything more?
Will smiled again, a sad sort of smile that fell almost immediately after. He gave a wave, walking down the yard, walking away from Mike who was watching as if the entire world was ending. Mike couldn't take another loss, he really couldn't.
After Will had left, gone out of Mike's view for the last time, he didn't go inside. He just.. stood out there, on their front porch. He wasn't even thinking, he refused to. But no matter how hard he tried to hold his thoughts in, they still got out, tears now painting his face. The silent comfort of the night was disrupted, now filling with quiet sobs, Mike desperately trying to wipe the wet from his face, wipe the memories, the hurt.
"Michael Joseph Wheeler what are you doing out here still? You were supposed to come help me cl-" The front door had swung open, Karen appearing with her shortened hair and messy apron covered with batter. "Michael..?" She asked, face softening and it only making him cry harder because he could see the sympathy, see that she knew something was wrong with him, something that he couldn't fix.
"Oh Mike, baby.." Karen said, wiping her hands off on the apron and pulling him into a hug. It was awkward, Mike being much older and much taller now, having to lean down, slouch to bury his face in her shoulder, hiding the pain, the weakness. She put her hand on his head, holding him close. "It's okay shh.. it'll be alright.." Mike cried even louder.
His facade, his alias it was.. broken, shattered. No matter how much he tried he couldn't rid himself of that fear, his weakness. It followed him like an abused dog, and this was proof of it. Michael had never been brave, he never would be. He'd always be the boy who sobbed into his moms shoulder when he lost Will, lost everything.
They stood for a while, Karen holding him as if he was an eleven year old boy again who had just dealt with the greatest lost. His sobs had died down though, the only proof that they were ever even there was his wet face and his moms soaked shirt. "It's okay honey.. How about we get you some tea, okay?" Karen held Mike by the shoulders, looking at her son with a soft, careful look. He nodded, wiping the last of the tears from his face.
______
You were the one that they′d talk about
Around town, as they put you down
And as hard as they would try, they'd hurt to make you cry
But you never cried to them, just to your soul
No, you never cried to them, just to your soul
- Bronski Beat, Smalltown boy
__________
The day had come, the party was set to leave, start their own lives far, far away from Hawkins. It had been maybe three months since they had graduated, the party spending the entire summer together, trying to get in as much time as possible. They made plans, they'd all come here for Thanksgiving, Christmas. Do gift giving, reminisce. Things were going great. This was ideal, the wanted outcome of all the pain, the hurt, the fighting.
Everyone was excited, tears had been shed, drinks had been shared, dumb jokes had been laughed off, made fun of. Everyone was there, together for the last time. Well, except Nancy. She didn't have a lot of time off with her job, and it wasn't like she needed to be there for the send off. Mike wasn't going anywhere, he was staying right here, in Hawkins, waiting.
None of them could believe this was actually happening, that they'd all really be apart this time, really moving on with their lives. It was just so.. unreal. They could all remember a time when it seemed like they'd all die together, a time where they were prepared for it, expecting it. And now, 2 years later, they were going to college. And not to mention Joyce and Hopper were moving away from all of this, somewhere on the coast, and Nancy, Jonathan, Robin.. all of them had left too, let go.
They had all decided to meet up at the Wheelers house, just like always. Ted had grumbled about something, saying he was glad that these gosh darn kids would finally be out of his hair, but everyone, Dustin especially, swore that he was teary-eyed. Karen laughed, agreeing.
Everyone hugged, one by one. They talked about how much they would miss eachother, how often they would call and visit after the change. Mike stayed in the background of it all. He barely said a word, except when someone addressed him ofcourse, keeping up his perfect facade. But it wasn't really perfect, was it? Because if you looked close enough, paid enough attention, you could see the overwhelming sadness in his eyes.
I mean, you could practically read Mikes thoughts, thoughts where everyone in the party would slowly grow apart, where one day they'd all be old, not talking and content, happy. And Mike wouldn't be. Every single one of them but Mike would get that fairytale ending. He felt like throwing up, crying until his eyes felt like they were popping out of his head, but he didn't. He stood there, watching Max and Dustin hug, talking about the wonder that 'MadMax' had been from the moment they had seen her score, tears rolling down their faces, paired with smiles that only friends of six years could have parting.
Everyone was crying, laughing, smiling. Everyone but Mike. "Wow Wheeler, really that glad to see us go?" He heard Max say, looking up at her instead of at the pavement. "What? No!" He said, defensive. He realized almost immediately that that was the wrong reaction, that he had showed too much of his emotions. He didn't want people to be worried about him while they were achieving their dreams.
So he fixed it, even if the only thing he really wanted was for someone to see through it all, to tell him it'd be okay, that they'd stay here with him, help him cope. "You wish that I would miss you, Mayfield." He said, forcing a smile, that odd puff of laughter that he did. He brought her into a hug, one that she returned with a laugh. "Yeah, yeah whatever loser..." There was no malice behind her tone, just.. love. Mike could feel the waterworks starting, pressing his lips together to hold it in. Max pulled away, wiping her eyes and immediately noticing. She laughed through her tears "You know its okay to cry, Wheeler." Mike just nodded, quick, the first tears falling from his eyes and making him scrunch his face. "Yeah.. yeah I know.."
Before he knew it, Dustin, Lucas, and Will had all joined in on the hug, all of them holding eachother and personifying the definition of friendship. And suddenly, it had been seven years, seven years since they had found Eleven in the woods, since Will had went missing. Six years since Max had joined their party, five years since they had lost Will for the second time, four years since Max had been stuck in a coma, three since Hawkins earthquake lockdown, two since Eleven had left them forever, since Vecna had been defeated. They had known eachother for so long, Mike didn't know how they would cope without eachother, none of them did.
By the time they had let go of eachother, each of their faces were bright red, snot and tears smearing across each and every one of their faces and t-shirts. Max wiped her eyes, "Wow, we are dorky." And they all just laughed, laughed as if they weren't all leaving, as if nothing had changed and they were still the same oblivious kids from sixth grade.
And then, inevitably, the leaving started. Mike hugged each one of them, one by one again. Lucas hugged him tight, Dustin hugged him even tighter, the three boys promising to keep being best friends, no matter what. Then they rotated, Max giving Mike a comforting hug, not as tight as the boys, but just as nice, even moreso, actually. Max gave him a sympathetic look. Despite so much, despite their bickering, Max and Mike understood eachother, a lot more than they'd like to admit. "Good luck." She said, and it meant so much coming from her. Mike sniffed, "Yeah.. yeah good luck to you too."
And, ofcourse, there was still Will he had to say goodbye to, the two boys meeting eachothers gaze and embracing soon after. Mike buried his face in Will's shoulder, hugging him just as tight, if not more, practically clinging to him. Will's hugs were the best. They were warm, firm, comforting in a way that made Mike feel like he was completely shielded from the outside world, like all his problems melted away as soon as the Byers boy embraced him.
They hugged a lot longer than they had with the other party members, Will being the first to pull away, much to Mike's disappointment. "I'm gonna miss you." Will said, placing a firm hand on Mike's arm, trying to be comforting because the sadness in Mike's eyes was practically unavoidable to notice. "I'll miss you too.." Mike had to bite his tongue, had to keep himself from saying more or letting out another round of sobs.
Will seemed to be in the same boat, his eyes glossing over. "You're my best friend, Mike. You always will be, okay?" And Mike wanted to die, right then, right there. He could tell everyone's eyes were on them right now, watching them as if they were waiting for something. "Yeah.. okay. You're- You're mine too. Always." He agreed as if he wasn't dying inside, as if he wasn't about to spill everything he had spent years hiding right on the spot.
Will gave him one last hug, before finally turning to leave with Jonathan. And in an ideal world, Mike would've stopped him, pulled him into a kiss and told him that he loved him. But he didnt. And Mike wished he was half as brave as Will, because if he was then maybe, maybe Will wouldn't be leaving right now, maybe things would be different and they'd still be best friends, more than that. But he wasn't brave, he never was. Mike the Brave.. it was just a stupid character from a stupid game, it meant nothing because in the end Mike was scared, and he always would be.
________
I'm going crazy, I'm losing sleep
I'm in too far, I'm in way too deep over you
I can't believe you're gone
You were the first, you'll be the last
Wherever you go, I'll be with you
Whatever you want, I'll give it to you
- Cheap Trick, The Flame
__________
The past couple months had been Mike's worst by far. It was the first time ever that he was alone, the first time that he his friends weren't a quick "Do you copy, over." away. The party, they were all off to college. And Nancy, she was gone too. Not even just that, but Mike's hopes of seeing Will when he visited occasionally were crushed, Joyce and Hopper moving across the country. Lucas and Max had visited a couple times, but Mike hadn't allowed himself to see them. He didn't deserve it, deserve that comfort. He felt bad, knowing that they wanted to see him, but he just couldn't do it, making up an excuse each time the phone would ring.
But yeah, things had been slow. Everyone was moving on, Mike wasn't needed anymore. He had tried to distract himself, letting his mom convince him to join some community college classes that he barely showed up to. He had also gotta a job, working at the comic book store which mightve been the biggest mistake ever. Each time some group of kids woild walk into the store, laughing and arguing about who the best superhero was, his heart would hurt, it basically being a constant pain in his life, a reminder just like everything else
It wasn't even the worst one. Mike, being the sentimental person that he was, had kept Will's painting hung up in his room, right above his desk. He didn't know why he did that to himself, the pain of looking at it being far too much to bare. He guessed this, like most things he had been doing himself lately, was punishment. He deserved to feel this sad, to long for what could've been each and every day of his life.
He thought about it a lot, what could've been. He wondered what would have happened if he had told Will that he loved him, where they'd be with eachother right now if he had just.. stopped being so goddamned scared. He wondered if they'd be at college together right now, if Will kiss him gently and tell him that it was okay, that everything would be alright.
It was practically all he could think about, drowning himself in the memory of Will. He had covered his room in Will's color, collecting anything he saw that even alluded to the man's presence. I mean, he had bought an entire paint set just to feel like Will was still there, still with him as if nothing had happened.
And Mike knew, knew that he didn't have to do this, that he could just.. tell Will, even if he knew that he didn't love him anymore. But no, Mike couldnt even call. Each time he tried, his hands felt clammy and his throat tightened, the fear getting to him before he even allowed the second ring.
And it only got worse. Mike had started writing again, slowly but surely making his theory real. He was still hanging onto Eleven. He always would be, even if he knew now that the entire time they had know eachother, been together, it had all been lies, one big, fat lie. Mike knew he had hurt people and he hated himself for it. That's why he was letting thing's play out the way that they were, because he deserved it. He deserved to be as alone as he had made Eleven feel, as he had made Will feel. This was simply him.. filling in the plot holes of his life. When given the choice to write his own story, he would always choose this, no matter how painful. He had been selfish his whole life and it was time that he felt what others who he had loved did.
Mike had been having awful nightmares these past few months too. His mind was replaying every little detail, putting Elevens death on loop in his mind. He imagined what he could have done different, he imagined hugging Eleven tight before she had the chance to run away, imagined actually telling her he loved her instead of just letting her kiss him. Even if it wasn't true, she deserved closure, and he couldn't even lie for her one last time, pretend to be the perfect boyfriend one. Last. Time.
He wondered if she would've been mad at him for lying, or maybe if she would've figured out a way they could all escape if he had just said those three simple words. He imagined living his life out with her, them getting a house at the end of a cul-de-sac and having 3 kids, trying to save whatever semblance of normalcy they still had. He imagined being miserable his entire life, his kids hating him and ending up just like his father. But that would've been a better ending to the story, it would have been an ending where Eleven could be happy, and now.. He realized he didn't mind playing that part for her if it meant she would stay.
Mike wasn't able to face Joyce or Hopper while they were still here. He would go and help them out often, whether it be cleaning up the cabin or helping them back. Joyce was still as kind as ever, but Hopper.. Mike knew he was trying to be sympathetic, knew that Mike was hurting because of everything that had happened.
It was nice visiting them, no matter how much it hurt. Joyce would talk about how proud she was of Mike, about how happy she was that he and Will were friends. She would urge Mike to call him, even though she knew he wouldn't, knew he hadn't because she would ask. Mike was sure of it, a frequent talking point on her and Will's calls being *"Have you spoken to Mike, lately?"* Mike wouldn't admit it, but he knew Joyce was worried about him. The way she spoke softer around him, consistently walking on eggshells as if he'd break at one wring word.. It was noticeable.
Hopper did the same, ofcourse. Though he tried less to hide his concern. He'd tell Mike to take care of himself, make sure that he got out of his damn room once in a while, knowing that if he didn't Mike would spiral into another deep, dark pit.
And Mike had listened, for a while atleast. It was his way of still keeping them close after the move, showing he cared. He would go out as much as he could, Karen joking about how productive he was being. He'd help out with Steve's baseball team, Holly's campaigns, art exhibits in his college. Almost everything under the sun. But this week had been different, so, so different.
Mike wasn't sure what was going on, but he felt like shit. He hadn't been eating, he didn't attend any of his classes, he wouldn't even leave his room. Karen was worried about him, and Holly caught on fast. She tried to talk to him but he refused, only giving a saddened look from underneath his comforter. His room was a mess, he was a mess.
He thought about Eleven, about Will. He was constantly worried about what Will was doing, and now that Joyce and Hopper were gone he had no way of knowing. Well, he did. He had Will's number and he could call anytime. But, could he really? Will was off in New York, learning how to be himself, how to get over Mike and the life he had had in Hawkins. Mike knew that calling Will.. It would be unfair to him. He deserved to he happy, and Mike had no right to mess that up. He knew that now. He had spent his entire life being selfish, it was time for a change, time for him to step back and stop weighing his friends down.
Mike thought a lot about Will's painting, thought a lot about how he was the heart as if it wasn't a complete lie. He knew that Will thought highly of him which he would never understand. He guessed it was because of the crush the man had on him when they were younger, he had been blinded by his feelings so he didn't see how much of a coward Mike truly was. If Mike truly was the heart, if he really was the person who kept the party, who guided them, then why was everyone gone? Why hadn't he talked to any one of them since they left?
Mike couldn't stand it anymore. He was living in a waking nightmare, one where he had ruined everything with Will, one where he had basically killed Eleven. Every awful thing that had happened... it was all his fault. Eleven talked so much about who the monster was, if she was one. Mike knew now that it wasn't just not Eleven, it was him. He had torn their party apart, he was the reason his biggest fear had come true.
Mike knew he deserved this, this overwhelming and all consuming darkness. And yet.. he still couldn't face it, he was still too much of a weakling, a coward. So he ran from his issues, he wasn't gonna face them just.. wallow in sadness, further descent into madness. And for the first time in six days, Mike had come out of his room, creeping down the stairs. It was late, already past midnight so no one was up.
Mike made his way into the kitchen, stumbling around like a zombie. His legs felt weak, numb from lack of use. Not only that but hid head was pounding. He hadn't eaten in days and only drank a bit of the water his mom had brought him. Mike pulled open the fridge with what little strength he had, pulling out a case of beers. He figured that if he couldn't fix his issues, he could atleast hide from them.
Mike popped the lid off the first one, leaving the rest of the case on the counter without a care. He took a swig. Mike honestly wasn't the biggest fan of beer, but he hated wine even more. Plus he was pretty sure Karen would kill him if he touched her collection. Ted? Not so much. He got a new case every week. Mike quickly finished off the first beer, grabbing another and downing that one, too. The warm, sickening feeling it gave him was addictive. He wished his thoughts could stay fuzzy and light forever. He grabbed another, hoping to make this wish reality.
Mike made his way back upstairs, beer in hand and drinking periodically. He wasn't even bothering with being quiet anymore. He didn't care if anyone woke up. He wouldn't be here to deal with it soon, anyways. Mike stumbled into his room, still feeling weak from fatigue. He pulled open his drawer, pulling the clothes out and tossing them onto the floor behind him, searching around for something.
When Mike finally grabbed hold of it, he pulled it out, setting it on the top of his drawers and taking another swig. It was his jar of money that he had gotten from work. He had been saving up, not for anything in particular but just because he had nothing to spend it on. Mike stared at it for a moment, another wave of sadness washing over. He pushed the feeling away though, chugging the rest of his beer and dropping the now empty glass bottle onto the floor with his discarded clothes.
Mike twisted the jar open, a little more aggressive than he should of. His body was shaking, on the verge of collapsing as he took the money out, grabbing his wallet and stuffing as much of it inside as he could. He didn't really understand why, why he was getting money, where he was going. He just wanted this to end, needed it to. And he couldn't stand staying in this house that Will and Eleven had once occupied. So he had to leave, he just had to.
Mike stuffed the wallet in his pocket. He stuffed the jar back into its hiding spot, even if it didnt really matter, even if he'd be gone by sunrise. Mike took one last look around his childhood room, eyes catching Will's painting, hung high in all it's glory. His eyes softened at it, stomach churned and heart clenched. Mike wanted to take it too, he really, really wanted to. But he didn't know where he would end up.. and ruining Will's painting sounded worse than a death sentence.
Mike stared for a few more moments, swallowing roughing when he realized it was time to leave. He flicked off his lights, slowly closing a door he'd never open again. Mike creeped back down the stairs, snagging another beer before sneaking out the front door. The cool air hit him immediately, giving his entirely too hot body some relief.
Mikes head was pounding and the world was spinning. He hadnt drank that much before, but from the times he did he knew he couldn't handle his alcohol well, and he had just chugged three beers, now working on his fourth one. He couldn't care less though, stumbling through the yard. He stopped at the edge of the driveway, staring up at his childhood home.
He remembered the first time he had brought Eleven here. Him and the party.. they had all only been 11 years old, determined to find their best friend. And Eleven.. she had been so scared. Mike had wanted to protect her, even from the very beginning. He wanted her to need him, and it was an entirely selfish desire. Not only that, but it was so far from the truth. Eleven never needed Mike, he needed her. He always had.
He remembered the months that the Byers stayed with them, the months that Will stayed with him. It was so.. amazing, to be so close to Will. Mike never wanted that to end, he wanted to live with Will forever, bask in his presence, share their lives, be apart of eachothers routines. It was the best feeling ever, to be so close to Will. During those months it was almost like.. like they were something more than just friends, like it was a glimpse into their future together, a taste of what things could've been like, and Mike only wanted more. He wanted all of Will, every single little thing that came with him. He wanted to know Will so intimately that there was nothing he didnt know about Will. He wanted to be the only one to notice him, to love him.
Mike bit his bottom lip. He knew these thoughts weren't good for him, he knew that. And yet, he couldn't stop. So he drank some more, started trekking down the street, looking awful and scary to anyone who passed him. Not that anyone did, it was far too late for anyone to be out which Mike was greatful for. He really didn't want to get arrested for underage drinking right now, he had enough on his plate.
As he walked, he realized what a mistake it was to have come all the way out here without a jacket. It was late October, and temperatures in Hawkins were already freezing. But hey, thats the midwest for you. Mike wouldn't be surprised if he caught a cold, the only thing keeping him warm being the alcohol coursing through his blood.
Mike continued walking, he didn't know how long but by the time he had reached the farther part of Hawkins city, cars were already zooming past him and his beer had been long finished off. Mike felt a bit more easy now, his wandering mind having quieted. There was still definitely beer in his system, his mind not truly being able to comprehend where he was or what he was doing, he just knew that he was going to fix it, fix.. everything.
Mike finally arrived at the airport with no idea what he was doing here or where he was going, just glad that he was there, leaning up against a wall and letting himself rest. He figured that not eating for days and then chugging a bunch of alcohol before walking aimlessly for hours probably wasn't the best idea... Mike didn't even care that he was getting stares, it was too early for him to care.
After ten? Twenty? Minutes he finally headed inside, ignoring his pounding head and making his way to the reception. He was glad that barely anyone was here. I mean, airport in a small town at 5 in the morning being packed? Didn't sound very plausible. Mike stumbled up to the desk, startling the lady who sat behind the counter. "Goodness!" She exclaimed, clutching her shirt. She was an older lady, and Mike could just tell she was judging him, but he couldn't care less.
She huffed, sighed and shook her head, fixing her glasses. "How can I help you?" She asked and Mike just stared. He didn't think he'd get this far and he hadn't even prepared where he was going to go let alone what he was going to say. "I.. I want to buy a ticket." She raised her eyebrow, as if urging him. After it was clear that Mike was not at all getting what she was saying she just sighed, shaking her head and muttering something about kids these days.. "Where do ya' wanna go?" She asked, and Mike.. didn't know.
He could go anywhere in the whole country, the whole world. He could try and find Eleven.. find those three waterfalls that didn't even exist.. Mike stood there, thinking for much longer than he should've. But, before he knew it, his mouth was moving faster than his brain, and he was handing her his passport. He didn't know why he chose this place, staring at the ticket she had just handed him. But it felt like there was something there for him.. something he needed, and he couldn't miss his chance again.
______
So now I come to you
With open arms
Nothing to hide
Believe what I say
So here I am
With open arms
Hoping you'll see
What your love means to me
- Journey, Open Arms
_________
Will had been settling in nice. College was fun, being out of Hawkins was fun. Sure there were some.. hiccups. For example, his classmates were way more advanced in art than him. He could only draw comic book characters and dragons from other dimensions..! Not.. realistic oil pastel fruit and vases.. but, he was improving, and that was good! It was exciting learning new things, even more exciting when he was actually able to make something beautiful.
He had also found some friends, friends who were like him. For one of the first times ever, he had felt seen, heard and understood. I mean sure, these people weren't the party, and they never would even come close to comparing. Even though they were all like him, they hadn't fought off interdimensinal beings at only twelve years old, they hadn't stopped secret soviet operations or had a superhero for a friend. But they were nice, funny, good to be around.
Will, ofcourse, kept in touch with the party and his parents. After everyone had finished settling in, calls were almost weekly. Joyce called the most, always worrying about him and Jonathan, wanting to make sure that people were nice to him, that NYU was everything he dreamed of. Hopper would check in too, update Will on how Joyce was holding up because they both knew she'd never actually tell him.
Lucas and Max would call, too, normally only once a week since the both of them were super busy with their classes. Max was majoring in psychology. She decided that she wanted to be a kids therapist, to make sure that people like her were actually seen, seen in a way she hadn't been by adults. And Lucas.. he decided to go into education, to everyone's surprised. Max joked about she'd have to be supporting the both of them with her salary for the rest of their lives. Will laughed. But, you know, they were busy, so he got it. He understood.
And, arguably, Dustin was the most busy. I mean he had gotten into Duke. But still, Dustin called the most, Will swearing that every other time his phone rung it was Dustin, calling to update Will on his studies, how he was changing the world! It was nice speaking to him so often, really nice, like nothing had ever changed. Will appreciated it more than he let on.
Robin called too. They both talked about.. well, what'd you expect. They were both liberal arts majors, so they spent a ton of time comparing and contrasting their courses. And, they talked about actually being able to be.. out. Ofcourse, neither of them were fully out, but they had found their people, the ones they could be themselves around. Robin had talked a lot about her experience of being outside of Hawkin's before Will had even graduated, and he was ecstatic to finally experience it. And it was just as good as she had said, the two of them talking endlessly about the relief of it all, how freeing it had felt.
So yeah, things were great, ideal. Well, except for one thing. Almost everyone had kept in touch, Robin talking about her conversations with Steve or Nancy and Dustin having similar things to say. They were all keeping up with eachother. Everyone.. but Mike. No one had heard from Mike since school had started, and although Will was getting updates on his life through Joyce, once she moved he was completely clueless.
He'd ring the Wheelers occasionally, on nights where he had a really bad nightmare, or after the first time he had kissed someone, even after he had finished a really big project that he was proud of. But, no Mike. It was worrying, especially when he'd call and the only person to pick up would be Karen. He'd ask about Mike and Will could hear the sadness in her voice each time he did. He always got the same answer, that he's been busy, that he hasn't been doing to well, that they haven't really talked in a while. Conveniently, everytime Will called Mike was somehow sick, or napping, or running an errand. It was just every excuse under the sun.
And Will probably would've been mad, upset with Mike for deliberately ignoring him if this were any other situation. But it wasn't. Will wasn't the only one who hadn't heard from Mike, who'd been told by Karen that she was worried about him. All the party members had. None of them had heard from Mike in months. Dustin was especially upset about this since he was the only one of them who had been visiting Hawkins, and each time he'd storm over to the Wheelers, demand to know what was going on, Mike just.. wasn't there.
And Will hated not knowing what was going on, because even with everything that had happened, he still cared about Mike. He didn't think that would ever stop. And he was worried, especially with all the had happened over the past two years. Throughout their entire Junior and Senior year, Mike would go into these.. Well, episodes, you could say. He'd get snappier, a lot more angry and agreesive which-- was kind of normal Mike behavior. But, after that phase passed, he'd get quiet, he wouldn't talk to anyone unless it was needed. He'd stop eating for days at a time, would sleep through all his classes or even just not show up.
Will still remembered one of those days. It was the first anniversary of Elevens death and it had gotten bad. As much as Mike tried to hide how he was feeling from the party, as good as he was at it, he couldn't hide this. Everyone had done a memorial for her, they had all sat around talking about her, sharing stories, speaking on how much they missed her, how amazing she was and still is. When it was Mike's turn to share, that was the first time most of them had ever seen him cry.
No one really knew what to do, Mike saying through sobs how what happened was all his fault, how if he had just been better she would've stayed, she wouldn't have felt like she had to leave. And no one really knew what he meant by that, the entire party too shocked to even say anything. Will was the first one to speak up, pulling Mike into a tight hug. The two of them stayed cuddled up for the rest of the night after that, Mike refusing to say anything and no one else daring to bother him, doing their best to give him space. No one had said anything about it, about Mike clinging to Will like a lifeline, but they knew. They knew.
So yeah, Will had no way of knowing, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to. He hated seeing Mike the way that he had been these past two years. It was like.. he wasn't even himself anymore, an empty shell of the person who they once called Mike Wheeler. Will wanted him to get better, he really did. But sometimes.. it seemed like Mike didnt want to, like he wanted to stay hurt and grieving forever. He acted like moving on was the worst thing he could do. So Will left him alone. He had sent a few letters, when Mike refused to answer his calls. But he never got a reply, so he stopped. He stopped calling too. He wanted Mike back, so, so badly. More than anything. But he couldn't force Mike, and he knew he was incapable of fixing this for him. It hurt more than anything to admit that to himself, that he was useless in helping the one person who had ever made him feel truly seen, even if that wasn't true anymore.
Then the call came. Will had just finished with his afternoon classes, settling into his apartment after a long day and starting one of his assignments. Just as he had popped the paint lid open, pouring it onto his pallette, the phone rang. Will groaned, setting the pallette to the side, closing the paint. He answered the phone, "You've reached Will, who is this?" He said very professionally, a thing he had picked up since being in university.
"No one can find Mike."
Will felt his heart drop. He recognized the voice immediately as Lucas. "What?" Will asked, breathless and heart pounding as if he could tell something bad had happened. "How- what?" He was completely and utterly confused. "Mrs. Wheeler called. She.. she thought maybe we had heard from him? That.. he stopped by, I guess?" Will swallowed, taking the information in. "I don't know but.. he's been missing all day and I guess he had been drinking or something? There were beer bottles all over his room."
Will should've known something like this would happen, and in a way, he did. He had been dreading Mike going into another really bad episode.. and unfortunately his suspicions of that were correct. "Has.. has anyone else heard from him?" There was a lump in Will's throat, his voice quiet as he asked the next question, "Have you guys checked the quarry?" And Will wasn't religious but he prayed that this wasn't the case.
He waited, anticipating Lucas' answer with an overwhelming amount of anxiousness creeping throughout his body, giving him goosebumps. "Yeah they did. He wasn't there." Will let out a sigh of relief, loosening his death grip on the phone. "Mrs. Wheeler said she was gonna call you later tonight but me and Max thought you would want to know." "Yeah, I- I did. Thanks. Tell Max I said hi." "I will, and if theres any news, I'll update you, okay?" Will braced himself against the counter, "Yeah, okay.. Bye. Thanks again." "No problem, man. Bye." The phone clicked.
Will could feel his body tense, his mind running through all the different scenarios that could have happened. He plopped down on the couch, his painting long forgotten as he buried his face in his hands. He had thought that once he got to college he would stop worrying about Mike, that him leaving, the party leaving would give Mike space to get better. To move on. Will was hoping for that. He hadn't expected it to get worse, so much worse. He knew Mike had been spiraling for a while but Will still tried to convince himself that Mike would be fine. Less for Mike's sake and more for his own, he was still trying to move on and it was hard. Especially when he was so worried about Mike all the time. It was as if the Wheeler was stubbornly trying to keep his place in Will's mind for the rest of his life through any means possible.
And although Will was upset about it, he could never be upset with Mike, especially not about something like this. He was just worried, so, so worried. Mike had a tendency to self-sabotage afterall, it was something that took Will a while to pick up on, but when he did it was all he could see. Whether it be Mike insisting that he's gonna end up alone when they talk about their futures, or him constantly overexerting himself when there isn't a need for it, him not eating even when he's hungry just because. All of his mannerisms, his life, the way he talks about himself.. It was constant self-loathing and hatred.
Its why Will had distanced himself, even if all he wanted was Mike back, even all he wanted was to comfort him, tell him that it'd be okay and that he'd always be here for him, just like Mike had did when they were kids. I mean even now, Will finally being accepted, he wasn't truly happy. He wasn't sure if he ever would be because who was he without Mike? Who were they if not the Sorcerer and the Paladin?
Will decided to keep waiting, hoping that Mike would be found soon and he'd get a call saying that everything was alright, that Mike was safe and sound back at home. But he didn't. It was already late into the night and.. nothing. Will had tried to make himself dinner, but he couldn't eat any of it, an impending sense of dread filling his apartment, stealing his appetite.
Will felt like a kid again, waiting around for Mike, worrying about him, worrying about everything. He had only had thoughts like these when his nightmares got really bad, on cold nights when there was no one around but the loud city and bright lights shining through his window. He had talked to Joyce and Hopper earlier, telling them how worried he was, debating on if he should head over to Jonathans studio, just like old times, young Will staying in Jonathans room each time the nightmares got unbearable. But he didn't. He didn't want to bother Jonathan especially when his film final was coming up. He had been extra busy and Will was trying to respect that, even if it was difficult.
He felt so.. alone. It was a loneliness he hadn't felt in a long time. And sure, he had his NYU friends but.. he hadn't ever told them about Mike, certainly hadn't told them about Vecna and the Upside Down. So he had to sit in his sadness, his loneliness, his worry.
Will was becoming increasingly more anxious, and it certainly didn't help when a loud knock sounded on his door, interrupting his spiraling thoughts. Will wondered if it was Jonathan, if Joyce had called him and told him to check up on Will even though he told her not to. But.. a part of him wished it was, wished that the two of them could talk about things, distract Will from all of this, distract him from Mike.
He supposed that wouldn't help now though, especially once he pulled open the door and suddenly a lanky, black haired boy was hugging him tightly. "Will." Mike breathed out, and Will was too shocked to do anything but hug him back. "Wha- Mike how did you- Everyones been-" Will trailed off, Mike's body shivering in his arms. "Mike you're freezing.." he commented, a million thoughts running through his head but this being the first one he decided to point out.
"Mike.. Mike.." Will finally said after a few minutes of the man holding onto him like a koala, Will's hands trying to push back from him, look at his face. Mike pulled away finally, hands still tightly gripping Will's arms and showing no indicator that he'd let go. His face was all red, his eyes all puffy and bloodshot. His face was wet, covered in tears and Will couldn't help but ask.
"Have you been cr-"
"I love you."