Work Text:
[recording begins, marked by a brief amount of static]
Figueroth "Fig" Faeth (she/they/any): Welcome back to another episode of the Complicated Women podcast! Baby and Baby Baby, play that intro.
[A muffled cackle accompanies the click of a button. The podcast opening theme plays: Fig's voice saying "You're allowed to be a complex person," followed by an electric guitar rift, energetic drums, and other background instruments, similar to a rock music track. Various voices overlap saying things like, "...exclusively to cats...," "...your dad--step-dad?--how many dads do you have now...," and "...well, I'm the Goddex of mystery, so it's complicated..." and voices echo out "IT'S COMPLICATED!" The music stops, echoing for a moment as host continues speaking.]
Fig: It's our 50th episode! New intro, what do you think?
[unidentified voice]: Well, I haven't heard the old one, but that one sounds downright electric!
Fig: Right, you've never even heard of a podcast until today. For our listeners, you might be wondering why there wasn't an episode last week. I got Quangled. Ayda, can you come explain?
[Pause, during which a sound like wings flapping softly echoes in the background]
Ayda Aguefort (she/her): Hello, podcast listeners. I am Ayda Aguefort, Wizard of the Compass Points Library. I am here because Figueroth is my paramour--
Fig: We have a date later.
Ayda: --yes. I'm not here all the time. Regardless, a Time Quangle is the temporal version of a standard Quangle, resulting in realms intersecting in strange ways and usually harmless effects. The primary effect is temporary overlaps in individual consciousness, resulting in some people being briefly displaced into partner realms until the Quangle un-Quangles.
Fig: Basically, multiverse traveling. Today's guest is brought here by the Quangle. Do you want to introduce yourself?
Comfrey MacLeod (she/her): Yes, hello Spyre, one of the few lands I have not yet been to! I am Comfrey MacLeod, inventor of the Zephyr, founder of the Wind Riders Society, and newly-labeled complicated woman. [She laughs] You probably don't know what any of that means, except for that last part, I suppose, but where I'm from I'm an inventor and adventurer as well as a grandmother.
Fig: Welcome to the Complicated Women podcast, Comfrey. How do you feel about running through our standard guest questions?
Comfrey: Absolutely. Fire away, kid.
Fig: Who do you think would be the most likely person to send you on this podcast?
Comfrey: [laughing] Any one of my crew would send me on here! Forget a coup, this would be their form of betrayal. No, but to be quite honest, probably my protege, or adoptive daughter, or however she wants to define our relationship, Marya. I’ve hurt her the most with all my running around and adventuring, but I also think she still loves me, or at least who I can be sometimes.
Fig: Who is the most complicated woman, or non-binary person who would be okay with being referred to as a woman for this purpose, other than yourself that you know?
Comfrey: Wow.
[pause]
Fig: You don’t have to answer if you’d like.
Comfrey: No, no it’s alright. Everyone is complicated. Your partner said something earlier, what was it?
Ayda: [in the background] We contain multitudes. It’s a quote from–”
Comfrey: Exactly! We contain multitudes. Everyone is complicated. Everyone has their own adventure that they can’t be drawn away from. You told me about your mother before we started. What was her name again?
Fig: Sandra Lynn. She’s been a guest on here before.
Comfrey: Yes! Of course, of course, Sandra Lynn. She and I are not all that different, from what you've told me. Adventure calls, and you can try all you want to block it out, to drown it out in other noise, but it is always there. I tried to settle down with my dear love, but I was born for adventure and exploration, not settling. I realize now that everyone’s got an adventure that calls like a siren song, and that can contradict our other goals and makes us complicated. I think the most complicated people are those with their multitudes that pull them in different directions. Therefore, I think the most complicated woman–or person–that I know is Van Chapman, one of my friends and crew. It’s her story to tell, but she hears a siren song of ancestral obligation and fate while really just wanting to spend time with her husband. Gosh, she would be a great person to come on your little show. She’s a hoot and a half!
Fig: She’s a what?
Comfrey: She’s fun to talk to. And she’s got a great story to tell.
Fig: Alright. What is your biggest accomplishment?
Comfrey: The Zephyr! First of its kind, legendary and storied. I’m quite proud of it, it took a lot of work and too many sleepless nights to count.
Fig: What’s your second biggest accomplishment?
[pause]
Comfrey: You ask some very interesting questions, kid.
[Guitar riff similar to the opener plays, followed by a group of voices saying, "Ad break!"]
Fig: This episode of Complicated Women is sponsored by Basrar's Soda Fountain. Whether you're from the Baronies, Bastion City, or just your mom's basement, Basrar's is the best ice cream in Spyre, boasting frozen treats as crazy as you can imagine or as simple as you can crave. It's the perfect spot to take your friends, significant other, or the whole family! Stop by Basrar's and mention the podcast, and you'll get a free wish on the house, as long as your wish is for ice cream. Thank you for listening to our sponsored message.
[Guitar riff repeats, then fades out]
Comfrey: I’d say my second biggest accomplishment is my granddaughter. She is so different than I ever expected. I wish I could be more like her, but honestly I can’t even take credit for the person she’s become. I’ve been missing for her life for so many years. Maybe my accomplishment is staying out of things for once.
Fig: I actually talked to Olethra when we met. To give our listeners context, the Time Quangle is to blame.
Comfrey: What? You met my granddaughter? When?
Fig: Ayda speculates it was a later time than yours. She was living with her partner. Shit, I forgot their name–
Ayda: [in the background] Ludmilla.
Fig: Yes. They both seemed to be older than you described. But Olethra, she talked about you, said you were her inspiration for adventuring. Don’t you think that’s the accomplishment, bringing a wonderful adventurer into being?
Comfrey: Well, they say adventuring skips a generation. But I can’t take much credit for that. Something tells me she would have found adventure all on her own.
Fig: Alright, you ready for rapid fire questions?
Comfrey: Hell yeah.
Fig: Favourite food?
Comfrey: Daisuke’s–-that’s my ex--husband–beans.
Fig: Gross. I did not need to know that.
Comfrey: It’s not an innuendo! He makes good beans. Legendary among my crew.
Fig: Huh. Weird. Name of your childhood best friend?
Comfrey: I had an imaginary friend named Pipsqueak. She was a parrot.
Fig: I got turned into a parrot once.
Comfrey: What?
Fig: Least favourite color?
Comfrey: Green.
Fig: Genie grants you three wishes, what are they?
Comfrey: Never having to refill on fuel, no more spiders--I hate those fuckers, always in corners when you least expect it--and a nice bath.
Fig: Body count, either kind but don’t tell us which.
Comfrey: Twenty-seven.
[Laughter from both]
Fig: Who would you nominate to come on this podcast?
Comfrey: Marya. Something tells me the two of you would get along quite well.
Fig: You think?
Comfrey: Yeah.
Fig: Any parting words for our listeners?
Comfrey: Thank you for listening to an old woman talk about her fucked up life. I hope all of you can find your own adventure. As we say in my crew, “On high we go, cloudward, ho!”
[pause]
Comfrey: Was that good? Should I say more? I’m not sure how all this pod-casting stuff works.
Fig: You can come poke around some of the equipment after we stop recording, if you’d like. But no, that was perfect. This is how we get the banger lines for the introduction!
Comfrey: Ah, smart!
Fig: Well, thank you all for listening to another episode of the Complicated Women podcast! If you’d like to nominate a complicated woman from your life to come on the podcast, email [email protected] or get in the comments. Come join us next week for another guest of the Time Quangle, Margaret Encino! Until next time, stay complicated.
[Guitar riff, followed by muffled screams of tortured souls.]
Wretchrot: This episode is brought to you by Wretchrot Recording. [giggles creepily]
[recording ends]