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Friends? No. Screw that. Best friends.
Noah Schnapp couldn't believe what he was hearing-- and what he was reading. He scrambled to find the answers written into the pages of his scripts. Frantically, he flipped through the pages, and page after page he found nothing. Well. Except--
"Mike and El kiss???? What in the actual loving and holy name of Jesus Christ is this???" Noah quietly cried to himself, hands gripping out his hair and threatening to yank out whatever he had left, as he had been slowly been balding due to the stress of filming the godforsaken show of Stranger Things. He was genuinely trying to comprehend the characters and their actions. Why didn't Mike, Will's best friend of about 8 years, even try to treat him like a genuine human being? If Mike was actually straight this whole time (ignoring all the times they flirted and Mike yearningly stared at Will's lips), then why did he suddenly change after season two?
Noah reflected on his past with the Duffer Brothers. He thought back to when he was first cast and they didn't bother to tell him about an integral part of the lead character he was set to play: his queerness. They couldn't even say, and much less write it, just like Michael Wheeler and his "love" for his "girlfriend." He thought back to season three, when they made him, a closeted gay man, have to act in a scene with his on-screen best friend and experience every gay person's greatest fear of homophobic loved ones.
Maybe in some alternate universe, the Duffers are inconsiderate pricks beyond the show and silence Noah at every turn-- every interview and article and live Q&A-- and joke about writing out his character and ignore him when he requests a completed character arc. Surely not this one, and surely not in the big 25.
Looking back on it, Noah thinks he would rather them have called him a slur and killed off his character. Unsurprisingly, the Duffers don't even have the balls to bury their gays, much less kill off their darlings.
Noah schnapped back into reality-- something Mike Wheeler can only dream of-- distressed by the unfulfilled promises of Byler and individual character arcs. He searched for any sign of life in the room as the rest of the cast continued the finale table read. Noah made eye contact with Finn Wolfhard and watched as the other man attempted to process his character being ruined. So attuned to the twink's agitating, grating voice thanks to the decade long friendship between the two, he picked up Finn's complaints to Gaten: fragmented phrases such as botched my character and he wouldn't say this crap.
The two made eye contact and Noah's breath caught as he was so scared of Finn's ghastly appearance, as always. He watched as Finn picked up his phone and felt his own buzz.
Finn Wolfhard Coworker • 08:15
we should protest 👨❤️💋👨👨❤️💋👨
i mean
✊✊**
my finger slipped
Noah looked up in confusion, matching the audience's reactions of volumes two and three. Finn Wolfhard continues typing, aggressively.
follow my lead
Finn stands up, channeling his inner Mike the Brave-- unlike his character, who lived out in fear and conformity, succumbing to the Worst Ending of being trapped in a town of perpetual bigotry-- turning to the Duffers. "You know what-- no! I didn't give you guys ten years of my life for you to reduce me to a cardboard cutout!" Noah stands beside him, sharing the sentiment of being useless in a story that is quite literally about his character.
Gasps fill the room, kind of like audiences in theaters during that totally necessary Steve fake-out death. Finn continues, "I didn't spend twelve hours in the back of that van staring at Noah's lips for nothing! You promised me Byler! You promised us Byler."
A Duffer stands now, defensive. "Yeah, Finn. But that was before my wife left me."
Ignoring the various chuckles around the room, Finn takes Noah's hand, and a Duffer gags in the background in response. Finn turns to Noah, then to the Duffers. "Well. I guess she was just your Tammy." Then, Finn turns to Noah and nods-- a shared sentiment: gay love has to win somehow.
They meet in the middle and Finn kisses him on his hot mouth, tongue and all. After a good six or seven seconds of kissing, they break apart. Noah begins to wonder if that kiss somehow just made him homophobic, then he catches a glimpse of Caleb's incredible attractive face and smile, and decides otherwise.
All of a sudden, a British voice behind them rings out in cheers and hollering; Millie Bobbie Brown Whatever-Her-Last-Name-Is-Now overcame her homophobia at the sight of this, in support of her best friend and godfather to her child. The rest of the room follows suit as they all throw their scripts on the floor.
"Alright guys, hold on," A Duffer brother called out, throwing his hands up, "Let's not get too ahead of ourselves now. We haven't even gotten to the Mike and Eleven kissing scene!" It was the gay one. It always is.
The cast was in shambles, worried now that they made the toxic couple kiss after having no scenes-- or chemistry-- for the entirety of the season. If the evil twins could do that, then....
One of the Duffers tries to defend themselves, holding up a page from the script, "Read closely guys! We took a lot of time to write this Void scene. I mean-- just look at those stage directions!" Yet again, it's the Gay One. Noah's really getting sick of him.
midleven makes out sloppy style as some queer anthem blasts in the background. have an intern spin a wheel. doesn't matter which one.
"Ew, what? What in God's name is this crap?" He heard MBB yell out.
A guttural scream emerged from the Duffers, as any sign of God burned their evil souls-- assuming they had one.
Noah, in a fit of rage, yelled out, "Explain yourselves then! Since you're apparently being completely serious about this lackluster ending."
"Okay! Okay-- we ruined Mike's character because we were jealous of Finn getting to be in the It and Ghostbusters movies."
"And...?" Noah prompted, ignoring Finn's childish whining.
"And we hate faggots. But that's beside the point."
"Oh, hell no." Sadie Sink finally spoke up, remembering all too well now how they made Lucas' arc revolve around her character just as they made Jane's all about Mike. "They're racist, homophobic, and misogynistic!"
The main cast spawned weapons out of nowhere, much like the Mileven romantic relationship, and began handing them out.
"Wait, guys... let's think about this!" The Duffers began to plead for their lives, "We can still fix this! I mean, come on, we gave Noah's character an epilogue boyfriend! It's implied! Well, not quite, since it's all a figment of Mike's imag--"
A shot rings out, and blood trickles down from the Gay Duffer's skull. Noah holds out a smoking gun: Chekhov's. They had a ton to spare.
Finn remembers he has plot importance and throws a molotov cocktail at the Gay Duffer, since they think gays should burn in hell, obviously, so it's only fitting.
The Divorced Duffer is shaking now, realizing maybe they shouldn't have thrown away the Byler Cut of the finale. Or fired all their ghost writers after volume one. "Please-- hear me out!!" He's crying now, like Mikestans when they realized the internalized homophobia was pretty external and that stupid character was queer coded just for funsies. "The Mileven scene isn't real!! It isn't possible, okay! The kryptonite is still active and Kali--"
A metal stick protrudes from the back of his mouth, fully impaling his jaw and violently spilling blood all over the scripts. His mouth hangs open, spewing absolutely nothing. Silence at last. Behind the now-lifeless corpse, Millie Bonnie Bongiovi reveals the gay flag she wields. "Get my sister's name out. Of. Your. Mouth."
The cast cheers, all using their weapons to further desecrate the Duffers bodies. Well deserved, I'd say.
"Levy in the house!!! Sorry I took so l--" Shawn Levy stops at the entrance, taking in the sight of the room. "Oh. I'll just. See myself out."
As Shawn slowly creeps out of the road back onto the studio lot, a car speeds over the man, brutally running him over and getting shards of bones all over the pavement. Slowly, the vehicle backs up over his body creating the most satisfying ASMR, and out steps--
Patty Newby! Played by Gabrielle Nevaeh!
She opens the car door, steps out, and slowly maneuvers her crutch over to the cast as she is greeted with love and lots of hugs. "I'm glad I made it! I had to catch a flight from Chicago--"
"Chicago you say?" Joe Keery finally speaks up. "This calls for a celebration!" He throws his hands in the air and his band spontaneously appears for a surprise rendition of End Of Beginning.
"Well. We've seen stranger things." Noah jokes, and Finn tries to kiss him again, throwing his lanky limbs onto Noah, and is met with booing and groans from the cast who are all tired of his cringefail doomed yaoi characters.
And they were all heroes... just for one day.