Chapter Text

The arc of PIDW in which the Gilded Powder Yarrow was introduced was uniquely disappointing.

Firstly, it was disappointing because, at this point of the story (somewhere in the first half of the novel), Shen Yuan still had some hopes that the novel could be good.

Secondly, it was disappointing because the premise was actually interesting. Something about a giant conspiracy that almost consumed an entire city. Corrupt politicians, fake deaths, stolen identities—the arc had everything and more. Luo Bingge's main goal was to help a young woman to find the murderer of her father.

Thirdly, it was disappointing because Shen Yuan had a lot of hopes for wife №89. Usually Shen Yuan would have been annoyed about an obvious setup for the wife. But not this time! You see, she was a shy and timid type. And the thing Shen Yuan loved about timid wives was that they were never used for cheap papapa. You can't have your protagonist fuck a shy character he just met; she is too shy! There needs to be some character development, some connection, some trust!

So every time a shy wife appeared in the plot, Shen Yuan hoped she wouldn't be discarded after one round of papapa. He was wrong every time, of course. However, at the time of reading that arc, he hadn't lost all hope.

The Gilded Powder Yarrow was introduced in a mini arc that spanned a couple of chapters. The subplot involved Luo Bingge traveling to the Silver Wood Valley to gather Gilded Powder Yarrow's pollen so he could make a Heart's Hidden Strength Elixir. Which was basically a courage potion.

The idea was that wife №89 needed to confront the city's elder, which she was too afraid to do. To help her overcome this fear, Luo Bingge made her the elixir.

The thing was effective. So effective, in fact, that after drinking the whole thing, the wife finally had the courage to confess her undying love for the Protagonist. And also she had the courage to admit that the thing she wanted the most was Protagonist’s fat cock. And then she rode him into the sunset.

Which was a disappointment on itself. But the thing that made this arc uniquely disappointing happened later. Because right after the gratuitous papapa scene, Luo Bingge got the message from Meng Mo that there was an uprising in the demon realm. So he just stood up left the fucking city.

The arc never got resolved. The audience never learned what the conspiracy was or who killed wife №89's father.

Shen Yuan was so mad that his rant in the comments hit the character limit. Several times.

The same situation happened many times after that in the story. Airplane would establish an interesting plot and then abruptly end it in the most shameless way. This particular arc was uniquely disappointing because it was the first time it happened. Shen Yuan lowered his expectations substantially after that…

However, besides the wasted potential, there were some good things in this arc. The Gilded Powder Yarrow subplot, for example! The Gilded Powder Yarrow subplot was fun!

You see, to understand the Gilded Powder Yarrow, you need to understand an entire ecosystem that involves several unrelated species.

It all starts with Three-Eyed Hare Antelopes. They are herd animals that live in the Silver Wood Valley. They are extremely skittish in nature and also extremely fast. They always run away at the smallest hint of danger, not giving a chance to chase them. Next there are Snow-White Porcupine Jackals, who are predators that hunt for Three-Eyed Hare Antelopes. How do Snow-White Porcupine Jackals hunt Three-Eyed Hare Antelopes if they are so fast? You see, instead of hunting Hare Antelopes directly, they hunt and kill Screeching Black Gophers. However, they never eat them, since they are too small of prey. Instead, Porcupine Jackals bring Black Gopher's corpses where the Hare Antelopes pasture. That's where the magic starts. You see, Gilded Powder Yarrow is the tiny flower that doesn't grow very big on it's own. But Black Gopher's corpses can act as a natural fertilizer, making Yarrow grow much larger and stronger than it usually would. After that it's only a matter of time until some unfortunate Hare Antelope gets doused with the pollen. And the thing about Yarrow's pollen is that it makes its victim absolutely fearless. So an unfortunate Hare Antelope starts ignoring danger, becoming easy prey for Porcupine Jackals.

Luo Bingge knew about it and used this knowledge to his advantage. The Gilded Powder Yarrow is not a very remarkable plant. To find it, the protagonist would've had to check every nook and cranny in the Silver Wood Valley. Instead of doing that, he found one single Three-Eyed Hare Antelope that seemed to not be afraid of him. The search went very fast from that point.

This subplot was great! It had some small lore tidbits, fascinating world-building, an interesting premise and it didn't get abruptly cut off in the middle.

There was one small detail PIDW didn't mention about Gilded Powder Yarrow.

While it does grow in abundance in Silver Wood Valley, it doesn't mean it doesn't grow anywhere else.

That's why, when Shen Qingqiu goes through the Black Grass Forest and gets a face full of some unknown pollen, he doesn't realize what hit him at first. He would've probably wandered around for hours, sneezing, wondering what this thing is going to do to him. Instead, despite his lack of foresight, he almost immediately realizes what happened. Because one moment he is wiping away pollen from his face. And the next moment there is a Man Eating Six Legged Panther pouncing on him. And Shen Qingqiu realizes that he feels absolutely no fear whatsoever.

He deals with the Panther, of course. He is not a mindless animal like Three-Eyed Hare Antelope. He doesn't need to feel fear to know that Panthers are dangerous. Especially when said Panther tries very hard to eat his face.

After this short battle, he doesn't turn back and return to Cang Qiong Mountain. Instead, he keeps going.

Like this he safely passes through the forest and arrives at his actual destination.

It's a medium-sized village standing on the small river. After a peaceful year, the local population of Miniature Pony Kelpies has gotten rather big. Usually they do not attack people, too small to do anything to an average person. But after the increase in size of their population, they have gotten quite bold. So bold, in fact, that they started to attack and even kill local fishermen. After the first death the village requested an aid from Cang Qiong.

The job is not difficult. It's so simple that no one argued with Shen Qingqiu when he said that he could do it alone. Shen Qingqiu easily slays some of the Kelpies, reducing the population to a more manageable size, and leaves the townspeople some talismans to repel beasts.

The work doesn't cause Shen Qingqiu any problem. Even beginner cultivators can deal with Miniature Pony Kelpies. For an Immortal Master, it's like a walk in the park. Shen Qingqiu doesn't need to feel fear to deal with them.

After finishing his work, Shen Qingqiu comes back to Cang Qiong.

He gives his report to Yue Qingyuan.

He gets examined by Mu Qingfang.

He gets his meridians cleared by Liu Qingge.

He gives his piece of mind to Airplane.

He tells no one about the pollen.

Now, listen…

It might sound bad.

One might ask, why on earth would Shen Qingqiu walk around poisoned by a random weed? The weed that has such a dangerous effect too! Everyone knows you need fear the same way you need pain! One might assume it would be nice to not feel fear or pain, but they exist for a reason, and the reason is to protect yourself! If you don't feel any fear, you might end up like Liu Qingge!

Why wouldn't Shen Qingqiu tell anyone?

So.

In his defense, he kind of…

Forgot.

It might sound stupid, but this pollen is genuinely easy to forget about! It slips his mind during his report to Yue Qingyuan and meeting with Mu Qingfang! He really forgets to tell them! He even slaps his forehead when he comes back to his peak and realizes that he forgot to tell them!

How silly of him. During his travel to Cang Qiong, all Shen Qingqiu was thinking about was the pollen. So to come back to the mountain only to forget about it makes him feel rather stupid. But he has just come back, and he is tired, and he doesn't want to fly back to Qiong Ding or to Qian Cao…

So Shen Qingqiu decides to tell them the next day.

One day stretches to two, to three, to the whole week.

He doesn't tell anyone.

He has many opportunities to do so.

He talks to Shang Qinghua and Liu Qingge and Yue Qingyuan and even Mu Qingfang.

He doesn't tell anyone.

Now, by this point one might assume that Shen Qingqiu is stupid.

Why wouldn't he just tell anyone about his condition?

However, the truth is, the pollen feels… good.

It feels nice.

Shen Qingqiu doesn't want to get rid of it.

The PIDW never described the effect of Heart's Hidden Strength Elixir. Sure, it showed how it affected wife №89, but Airplane never went in-depth about how it made her feel. Did she feel like she was drunk? Did she feel like she could get over her shyness? Did she feel like her shyness never existed in the first place?

Shen Qingqiu assumes it doesn't really matter. Whatever she felt, it must have been very different compared to what he is experiencing now, after being exposed to the raw pollen.

The closest analogy to the effect of raw Gilded Powder Yarrow's pollen Shen Qingqiu can come up with is local anesthesia.

It feels as if the pollen has frozen the part of his brain that makes him feel fear.

Every time Shen Qingqiu gets into a situation that might cause fear, he doesn't feel anything. There are no physical sensations: no racing heart, no shortness of breath, no knot in his stomach. There is no anxiety: no racing thoughts, no desire to get away, no potential horrible scenarios. There is only pure calmness, both in mind and in body.

Well, maybe Shen Qingqiu can't say he doesn't feel anything.

There is, in fact, something he feels when he should be afraid. Whenever he gets into a situation where he should feel fear, he doesn't feel it, just like one wouldn't feel pain under the effect of anesthesia. But even a person under anesthesia can't say they don't feel anything at all. They don't feel pain, but they feel numbness, pressure, movement. Shen Qingqiu's situation is rather similar. He doesn't feel fear. But he does feel something.

This strange sensation appears every time Shen Qingqiu should be afraid. It's like a faint tugging at the back of his skull. The sensation is not painful or uncomfortable. It's not even particularly distracting, as Shen Qingqiu can easily ignore it if he wishes to. But this sensation is present and distinct, unmistakable as anything else.

It's not the only effect of the pollen. Local anesthesia can't numb one spot, so it numbs the whole area. So just like anesthesia, the pollen doesn't only numb fear. Yes, its main goal is to get rid of pure fear. But emotions that partially consist of fear? They also get erased. Worry, embarrassment, anxiety, guilt, shame? Shen Qingqiu doesn't feel them anymore. The rest of his emotions also feel flatter. It's like they lost a dimension. He is still capable of feeling joy, sadness, anger. But his emotions feel simpler now. Like they lack a nuance.

Shen Qingqiu knows he should deal with the pollen.

He knows it can get him killed. He knows that sharp senses are necessary for any cultivator.

He knows he is cutting himself off from any complex feelings and emotions. Good, complex feelings and emotions, like excitement or thrill or exhilaration.

He knows Mu Qingfang will be disappointed in him. He knows everyone will be disappointed in him.

He knows it makes him a person he doesn't want to be. He knows it dumbs him down. He knows it can lead him to a dark path. He knows it's disgusting when he can't force himself to worry about his disciples when they are leaving for a potentially dangerous night hunt.

He knows all of that.

But how can he force himself to get rid of it when he feels no fear to worry of his death. When he feels no shame to worry about being a disappointment. When he feels no guilt to worry about his morality.

How can he force himself to get rid of it when it feels so good?

Shen Qingqiu has spent three years living in constant fear. For three years he woke up every day and thought about his future demise. For three years all he felt was anxiety and worry and guilt and paralyzing fear. And now that they are finally gone, he feels so… light.

As if all the burdens were lifted from his shoulders. As if there is no Protagonist in this world that is plotting his death.

Every day Shen Qingqiu wakes up and thinks about telling someone.

He doesn't.

Almost two weeks pass after his return to Cang Qiong Mountain when, during a Peak Lord meeting, Yue Qingyuan tells them about the situation in Jin Lan City. Liu Qingge and Mu Qingfang decide to investigate. Shen Qingqiu tags along. He doesn't tell anyone.

He isn't sure why he does it.

He knows that sitting in the safety of his peak is not the same as going on a dangerous mission. He knows that not telling anyone makes him a potential liability. He knows he is putting his martial brothers at risk.

He rationalizes it to himself. He doesn't need fear to know that something is dangerous. He is not an animal. He won't get into a necessary danger. He will use his common sense.

Just this mission, he tells himself.

He will tell them afterwards.

Just this once.

He will tell Mu Qingfang he got pollened during their mission. Then he won't judge Shen Qingqiu so harshly for his bad decisions.

Shen Qingqiu will tell them after the mission.

“It's no trouble.”

Maybe he shouldn't have come to the mission while poisoned by the pollen. This is probably his karma.

“Senior Shen?!” Gongyi Xiao exclaims when Shen Qingqiu first stops in his tracks and then runs up the stairs, skipping several steps at the time.

This is probably what people who fancy themselves immortals feel when they decide to sneak into a tiger's cage to pet it. Now familiar pressure at the back of his skull turns into an iron band squeezing his head as if to remind him of a danger ahead of him.

Shen Qingqiu happily ignores the feeling, almost flying up the stairs, forgetting about propriety.

There is a crowd of Huan Hua disciples surrounding a mysterious body on the second floor. But at this moment they might as well not exist. There is only one person Shen Qingqiu cares about right now.

“Luo Binghe.”

The System comes to life, saying something about Satisfaction Points. Shen Qingqiu mutes it.

How can he pay attention to anything else in this situation?

This is him. The protagonist of Proud Immortal Demon Way in all his glory.

Now, in any other circumstances, Shen Qingqiu might have felt a lot of different feelings. Fear, of course. Guilt and shame, maybe. But now, high on pollen that blocks all his fear and guilt and shame? All Shen Qingqiu feels is pure, unadulterated joy.

This is Luo Binghe! His Luo Binghe! This is the protagonist, his favorite character! He is finally here! He is not hurt or suffering in the Abyss! He is surrounded by an adoring crowd, successfully charmed his way into the Huan Hua Palace two years too early! His Binghe is so clever!

Shen Qingqiu is positively giddy. Only the years of keeping a poker face prevent him from grinning like a maniac. His body almost shakes with uncontrollable glee.

Luo Binghe is here.

Shen Qingqiu hears faint steps behind him. Gongyi Xiao probably has finally caught up with him. Shen Qingqiu would've looked if there was any chance in the world he could tear his eyes away from the Protagonist.

Luo Binghe is everything Shen Qingqiu imagined and more. This is not his cute little sheep he called his disciple. This is the black-bellied wolf who is here to destroy him. Shen Qingqiu almost greedily takes in every minute detail. His clothes, his broad shoulders, his tender smile. Finally, Shen Qingqiu looks Luo Binghe in the eyes only to find that he is also looking at him. The gaze is so intense Shen Qingqiu feels the pang at the back of his skull.

“Shizun,” Luo Binghe says simply. Shen Qingqiu shivers in a strange but not unpleasant emotion.

For a long blissful moment, Peak Lord and his wayward disciple just stand there, looking in each other's eyes.

The weird spell gets broken by a Gongyi Xiao. “Senior Shen?“ he calls tentatively.

This finally breaks the weird trance Shen Qingqiu has gotten into. He blinks a few times, barely holding himself from shaking his head like a dog. “Right,“ he coughs, realizing he just got stuck staring in protagonist's eyes mesmerized. “What exactly is going on here?“ he asks in his Peak Lord voice. Maybe he can still try to salvage the situation?

But, ah, as he comes to his awareness, Shen Qingqiu realizes there is no way in the world he can possibly undo this first impression. The awkward tension in the room seems almost radioactive. The Huan Hua disciples watch him with a barely disguised hostility, while also shifting in place like they desperately want to leave.

Ah, poor things. This display must be painfully awkward for them. Shen Qingqiu really doesn't miss having shame and embarrassment. Sucks to be them, he guesses.

A vaguely familiar young lady opens her mouth, only to be interrupted by Luo Binghe. He gestures at the figure lying in a corner. “Well, you see, Shizun. This disciple has followed this demon and incapacitated it,“ he says with a charming smile and a little bit too much bravado.

The girl who got so rudely interrupted nods, “Yes! Luo-shixiong has protected us from this scoundrel and explained what it was.“ She looks at Luo Binghe with awe. Shen Qingqiu suddenly remembers where he has seen her. Right, Immortal Alliance Conference. This must be Qin Wanyue.

Shen Qingqiu hums and comes closer to examine the corpse. He elegantly crouches down, turning his back to Huan Hua crowd and Luo Binghe.“And what have you found out?“ he asks, already having some suspicions.

“It's a sower, obviously. Luo-shixiong realized it ages ago,“ some Huan Hua disciple huffs behind him.

“Everything I know was taught to me by Shizun.“ Shen Qingqiu can't see Luo Binghe from his position, having his back turned to him, but he could hear the grin in his voice. The way he pronounces ‘Shizun’ is just…

Shen Qingqiu uses the fact that his face is turned and bites his lip to compose himself. He spends a few moments pretending to examine the body while using this opportunity to fanboy a little.

Luo Binghe is here! And he is so scary! Shen Qingqiu doesn't need to feel fear to fear the shivers running down his spine from the darkness in his tone. He is so cool! The Huan Hua is eating right out of his palm! They are probably completely brainwashed by his protagonist charm. Ah, that's the dark-bellied protagonist for you.

Shen Qingqiu counts to five and puts himself back together. “It seems you are right. It is indeed a sower. Good boy,“ he says, standing up. His vision doubles for the moment.

Someone in the background grumbles, ‘Of course he is right,‘ but Shen Qingqiu ignores them. How can he pay attention to anything when the first thing he sees after he turns back are the protagonist’s eyes burrowing into him? Maybe Shen Qingqiu shouldn't have called a blackened protagonist a good boy. This has probably ensured an additional round of torture if the dark look in Luo Binghe's eyes says something.

And, oh, this is a dark look. His eyes are like two pools of pure darkness, two miniature black holes sucking Shen Qingqiu in.

Before Shen Qingqiu and Luo Binghe get stuck in this weird staring contest again, Qin Wanyue interrupts them. “Y-yes! Luo-shixiong guessed the identity of the culprit a while back.“ She stammers somewhat hurriedly, in a desperate attempt to break the weird tension. Then her eyes grow misty with tears. “But while Luo-shixiong was chasing the demon, he got-“ she sniffs, “-he got infected himself.“

“What?“ Shen Qingqiu asks, not recognizing his voice.

He turns his gaze to Luo Binghe's sleeve. Part of it is torn, revealing a wrist with distinct marks of the sower infection.

“Yes, I had to sacrifice myself so that disciples of Huan Hua could go unharmed,” Luo Binghe says, almost demurely batting his eyelashes.

Ah, Binghe, aren't you laying it on a little bit thick? That's kind of way too obvious even by Stallion Protagonist standards.

However, it seems it’s not too much for Huan Hua disciples, who melt at this touching declaration.

Shen Qingqiu would've internally giggled at the demonstration of protagonist aura if he wasn't choking on rage right now. Because, how fucking dare this sower touch Luo Binghe! He knows it isn't dangerous for him. But the idea of some kind of wretch touching his disciple makes Shen Qingqiu want to breathe fire.

He takes a deep sigh. “This is good then, that Cang Qiong came here to help with the infection. May we borrow this corpse to study it? It's possible Mu-shidi may discover something, and it may assist us in developing a medicine.“

Luo Binghe nods, staring at Shen Qingqiu very intently, “Everything will be as Shizun says. This disciple will deliver the corpse promptly.”

Shen Qingqiu nods, pleased. “Good.“ Almost unconsciously, Shen Qingqiu feels his hand curve in a familiar gesture. He comes to his senses only when his hand is halfway to Binghe's head for a head pat. His hand freezes midair. “Right,“ he says again. There is no way he can salvage this bay now. He pretends to fix his already immaculate hair. It seems that Luo Binghe's stare has grown even more intense. Binghe, if you keep watching Shen Qingqiu's hand, it will catch on fire from the sheer power of protagonist's attention!

“I will escort Shizun,“ Luo Binghe says unexpectedly, making one step forward.

“No need,“ Shen Qingqiu says a little too quickly. The tugging sensation at the back of his skull is becoming impossible to ignore. He needs to think. He needs some time to be alone. “I am sure Luo Binghe has much more important things to do than chaperone this master.“

Luo Binghe doesn't answer.

Done with this awkward atmosphere, Shen Qingqiu turns, flicks his sleeves, and leaves without a second word.

As he exits the building, Shen Qingqiu hears someone running loudly after him. For a second he thinks that Protagonist changed his mind and decided to chase him after all. However, it's only Gongyi Xiao.

“Senior, Shen!“ He exclaims, catching up with him, “This one must apologize. I knew that Luo-shixiong was with Huan Han Palace, but our Master ordered us to keep it a secret and-“

“No need to apologize,“ Shen Qingqiu interrupts his ramblings. He always knew that eventually Luo Binghe would worm his way into Huan Hua Palace, charming and persuading everyone to take his side. Shen Qingqiu wouldn't fault a poor cannon fodder character such as Gongyi Xiao for not speaking up against him. Luo Binghe would've gotten rid of him on the spot! Shen Qingqiu wouldn't want that. He likes Gongyi Xiao! He is such a sweet young man.

Shen Qingqiu assumes that Gongyi Xiao will be relieved at being forgiven. Instead he looks vaguely uncomfortable, playing with the hem of his sleeve and avoiding his eyes.

“I, erm- I never knew that Senior Shen and Luo-shixiong had this sort of… relationship?” Gongyi Xiao says the word ‘relationship' with a questioning tone, like he himself doesn't know exactly what he is implying.

Shen Qingqiu decides that he is not going to answer the unspoken questions when the man doesn't know what the unspoken part is. He just hums noncommittally. “It was nice to meet you again, Gongyi Xiao. Although, I would've preferred the circumstances weren't so grim,“ he says instead, giving him a fat clue that the conversation is over.

“This one agrees.“ He answers, still sounding dubious.

Now, without any company, Shen Qingqiu finally makes to the Jin Zi Weapons Shop.

He explains the situation to his wayward shidis and Wu Chen.

Blah blah blah, it's all sowers’ work. Blah blah blah, there are probably more of them. Blah blah blah, oh By the way, Luo Binghe is back from the dead.

“What?” Liu Qingge makes a double take. “Didn't he die during Immortal Alliance Conference?“ He asks, stunned.

“Yes. He came back,” Shen Qingqiu replies curtly.

Now both other men look at Shen Qingqiu with poorly disguised concern. He barely holds in a frustrated growl. He wants to be done with this situation. “How about we take care of the remaining sowers?” he asks, hoping that some action will help him take his mind off this whole situation.

He almost makes it to the door when he gets interrupted by a familiar feeling of his Qi stagnating.

Fuck

He puts up a great fight, but in the end all that is left to do is to go to his room.

Maybe it isn't so bad. He can actually think about what the hell happened in the brothel.

The moment he comes in, he sits at the table and thinks.

He thinks for some time. It's surprisingly difficult. His head feels like it is filled with cotton, his thoughts are scattering around, and the pressure in his skull keeps distracting him.

In the end, he finally realizes something.

I'm in a very bad situation right now.

It's a strange feeling, to know that you absolutely massively fucked, and yet to feel no fear about it.

He is in great danger right now. Luo Binghe came back from the Endless Abyss two years too early. Mushroom bodies are not ready yet. This is the beginning of the end. There is a chance Shen Qingqiu won't leave Jin Lan City. There is a chance he is going to be tortured soon. There is a chance he is going to die, this time permanently. Shen Qingqiu is fucked.

And yet he feels no fear.

In a moment like this, he really wishes he had just told Mu Qingfang right away about the pollen. But he can't master himself to feel regret.

He can't master himself to feel pretty much anything about this situation. Any emotion he might have felt—anxiety, regret, despair, hopelessness—all of it is too close to fear to properly register in his mind.

Shen Qingqiu sits at the table, knowing he can be killed, and he feels nothing.

All that is left is a pulsing sensation that squeezes his skull like a tight band.

He takes a deep breath.

No.

No, not all hope is lost.

The reason why he believed he could go around safely while poisoned by pollen is because he isn't a stupid animal. He doesn't need to feel fear to know that something is dangerous.

Before coming here, it was an easy thing to do. There was nothing that required him to fight against his emotions. Yes, he slew a few beasts, but it was a simple job. Him feeling or not feeling fear in those situations changed nothing.

When he was resting on Qing Jing Peak afterwards, he didn't need to think about danger, because there was nothing dangerous.

Seeing Luo Binghe is… different.

He is not a mindless beast Shen Qingqiu needs to slay. He is a protagonist, his student, his white lotus, whom he raised himself. That's why when he saw him, he got overwhelmed with joy. He couldn't do anything about it. He was genuinely happy to see him. But this joy clouded his common sense. He didn't act appropriately, basically tugging the wild tiger by his whiskers. Seriously? Acting so casual after throwing a man into an abyss? Calling the stallion protagonist a good boy? Almost petting his head?! What was he thinking about?!

Shen Qingqiu takes another deep breath.

He was caught off guard. He never expected to see Luo Binghe. Now he knows he is here, so he can adjust his behavior accordingly. He just needs to constantly remind himself that Luo Binghe is not his friend. He is not his student. He is not his white lotus. He is dangerous. Shen Qingqiu needs to act like it. Shen Qingqiu needs to use his logic and common sense. It's easy, Shen Qingqiu is an incredibly logical and sensible person. He can do it.

He can do it.

He sighs.

It is really difficult to do without any fear, though.

Usually Shen Qingqiu wouldn't have found this situation difficult. Controlling his every movement, keeping his emotions in check, putting out of his mind everything that upsets him. It all comes naturally to him. Otherwise he wouldn't have thrived in his given role. He is a professional poser, and he is proud of it.

He is also a person strongly motivated by fear. He does all those things, and they come effortlessly to him. But doing all of it without the fear of embarrassment, or the fear of pain, or the fear of death? Shen Qingqiu just doesn't have so much willpower for it.

Fear is his fuel. It is what helps him to move forward. It's what drives him. It mobilizes him, it gives him power, it forces him to act.

Without fear, without this magical boost, the idea of controlling his every thought, every action, every reaction feels unbearable. His head is already throbbing at the cognitive strain. It's as if someone told him to solve a very boring and very difficult test, without any reward or punishment.

Shen Qingqiu doesn't want to do it!

Still, despite not feeling any fear, or tension, he does feel relief. The iron band binding his head relaxes somewhat, indicating that the fear he should have felt is going away. His head somewhat clears.

Right.

This is a difficult plan, but it is a plan.

He can do it.

He has to.

Time slowly drags.

By the time night falls, Shen Qingqiu feels completely exhausted.

There is nothing he can really do in his room but wait until Liu Qingge comes back. He is bored out of his mind. And yet he can't do anything about it. Every time he gets an idea of what to do, he is reminded that he has to stay vigilant.

He can't go for a walk; Luo Binghe is out there. He can't sleep or meditate; he will be too vulnerable for an attack. He can't talk to people in the shop; they can be disguised sowers.

And every time Shen Qingqiu tells himself no, he feels his mental energy slowly draining. Without this additional boost of fear, his mind feels like it's possessed by a bratty, hyperactive toddler. Every second he spends is a torturous exercise of his willpower, fighting to stay in one place.

It's exhausting.

It feels like Shen Qingqiu is multiplying five-digit numbers in his mind.

It's somewhat surprising. Throughout his years as Shen Qingqiu, he had to endure situations much more boring than this one. And yet it has never felt so unbearable before. Like there is a force inside of him urging him to do something stupid.

Still, despite his mental anguish, Shen Qingqiu obediently sits in his room, away from danger.

The moon has already risen when Shen Qingqiu hears a series of fast knocks at his door.

Shen Qingqiu jumps in his place at the table. Who the hell is this? Is it Mu Qingfang, who somehow always knows when Shen Qingqiu does something stupid? Did he somehow hear his mental whining?

“Who is that?“ he shouts hesitantly. “Mu-shidi, is that you? Are you finished already?“

The door opens slowly. The person who comes in is not Mu Qingfang.

Oh fuck.

“Shizun, hello,“ Luo Binghe says, coming into Shen Qingqiu's room.

Oh, this is bad.

Shen Qingqiu feels his heart make a swoop from the picture in front of him. Because Luo Binghe is smiling at him. It's the same smile he had when he was a disciple. He is smiling in a way that makes Shen Qingqiu forget about the Abyss and the time they spend apart. How can Shen Qingqiu think about such things when Luo Binghe looks at him like he has come back from the mission earlier than expected because he missed his Shizun?

The tugging at the back of his head returns with such a force it makes his dizzy.

Shen Qingqiu needs to think fast.

This is a dangerous situation.

Luo Binghe is dangerous.

He needs to get away from him.

How does Shen Qingqiu get away?

The exit is blocked.

He needs to get away.

He can't make a hole in the floor without his qi.

He needs to get away.

He can't break walls.

He needs to get away.

The window.

“Shizun…“ Luo Binghe starts in a sugary sweet tone.

The window.

The window is open.

“This disciple is back.“

The window is open.

He needs to get away.

The window is open.

“So he came here to-“

Shen Qingqiu doesn't hear what Luo Binghe came to, because in one swift motion he leaps out of his window, starting running the moment his feet touch the ground.

For a few seconds Shen Qingqiu doesn't hear anything behind him. He even starts questioning whether his genius plan has worked and Protagonist decided not to chase him. This dream gets shattered only a moment later when Shen Qingqiu hears the sound behind him, like someone has demolished an entire wall.

An enraged roar thunders through the night. “OH, SO THAT'S HOW IT IS?!“ Shen Qingqiu hears a low thud of a body landing on the ground after jumping out of the window and the series of quick footsteps as the protagonist sets off in his pursuit. By the sound of it, he is approaching really fast.

The slight head start is the only reason why furious Luo Binghe doesn't reach in in a fraction of the second. Shen Qingqiu dives into a narrow street, going in random directions, hoping to lose the protagonist in the labyrinth of buildings.

“During the day Shizun looked at me with such tenderness only to turn his back on me later!“ Luo Binghe's shouting feels way too close for comfort. There is a note of hysteria in his voice, “THAT'S WHAT YOU ALWAYS DO! YOU ALWAYS SHOW ME YOUR KINDNESS ONLY TO DISCARD ME AFTERWARDS!“

Shen Qingqiu realizes way too late that this plan might be a bad idea.

Not because trying to outrun Luo Binghe is an exercise in futility.

But because his body doesn't want to run.

He found it fascinating when he realized he couldn't concentrate without his fear. But it hadn't occurred to him that the same logic would extend to physical actions.

Shen Qingqiu has the body of a cultivator. It's a strong body, even without counting his cultivation. Shen Qingqiu is used to running. He has to run a lot during night hunts. He has to chase various monsters and then try to not get eaten by those same monsters. Running was never a problem for him in this life.

However, there is a nuance. Usually when he runs, he is, even just a little bit, scared. Not much to cloud his judgment. But enough to feel the adrenaline coursing through his veins, filling him with energy, giving him more power and alertness and stamina, and making him do things that seemed impossible before.

Right now Shen Qingqiu feels no such things.

His mind knows he needs to run. The tugging feels so insistent it's almost as if it wants to take out a chunk of his brain. He knows he is in danger.

His body, on the other hand? It didn't get the memo.

Shen Qingqiu gets reminded of PE classes in his past life. Running circles for no reason, hating every second of it.

That's exactly how he feels right now.

His body doesn't feel like it is in mortal danger. It feels like it wants to stop running! He has spent the whole day traveling and investigating and then forcing himself to remain in one room. He is tired! He wants to stop running and lie down! This situation sucks! Shen Qingqiu feels a random cramp in his stomach, his breath is getting short, and his heart beats too sluggishly considering the situation.

He can't run like this forever.

“Liu Qingge!“ Shen Qingqiu shouts into the night in a desperate attempt to stop the chase.

He hears an unhinged laughter. “Apologies, Shizun, it seems your precious martial sibling is too busy to attend to you at the moment. Maybe you could tell me whatever you want instead?“ Luo Binghe's voice is filled with malice.

Suddenly Shen Qingqiu feels a prickle of annoyance.

Is this how it ends? Seriously?!

This emotion fills his body, making his face distort in an angry grimace and forcing a raging heat into his core, his heart beating viciously.

In this moment Shen Qingqiu realizes the answer.

Anger!

He can't rely on fear to power through, but he can use his second most frequently felt emotion. After all, anger can be just as invigorating.

Shen Qingqiu leans into his anger.

It's rather easy. There is so much to be angry about.

Because what the hell is this situation?! How is this fair?!

He has come so far, has done so much! He had a plan, and it was perfect! And now he has an angry protagonist chasing him and spouting nonsense!

“Do people who love you even know how much of a hypocrite you are?!“ Luo Binghe keeps on going.

See?! This is bullshit! How did he even manage to leave the abyss so fast?! Did he cheat or something? Is this legal?! System, did Luo Binghe cheat?

[Answering User_02! The protagonist left the Endless Abyss through legitimate means.]

[Protagonist current status:]

[Satisfaction points: 25]

[Heartbreak points: 1500]

[Anger points: 300]

Anger points: 300? It sure does feel like it.

Shen Qingqiu feels his anger grow, and with it the raging energy fills his body. His sluggishly beating heart picks up a furious rhythm. It's like gaining the second breath. Suddenly running feels like second nature to him. He runs faster.

The downside, however, is pretty severe. He is more energized now, but with this energy comes clumsiness so typical for blind anger. He runs faster, but he can't quite fit into the sharp turns of the city, bumping into the edges of the buildings that will probably leave bruises if he survives.

“What's the matter, Shizun? Can't walk straight?“ Shen Qingqiu hears Luo Binghe's mocking voice, and it makes his teeth ache.

Who the hell talks to his Shizun like that?! Sure, he is the stallion protagonist, who is above filial piety. But still, calling him Shizun in one breath and mocking him with another?! Who does he think he is?!

There is a raging volcano inside Shen Qingqiu's chest. He doesn't care about the phantom fear squeezing his brain. He can't stop and think. All he feels is the hot fury making him want to scream.

“You have gotten sloppy. Does Shizun-“

Shen Qingqiu doesn't think. He doesn't think it might be a bad idea to attack Heavenly Demon. He doesn't think there is any way he can win in a direct fight against the protagonist. He doesn't think that this is his disciple.

He doesn't think about any of that. All he feels is rage.

Shen Qingqiu ungracefully draws Xiu Ya and takes a wide swing at Luo Binghe. “How are you talking to your Shizun?!“ He shouts at him, furious.

For the moment Luo Binghe looks genuinely startled. It seems he really hasn't expected for Shen Qingqiu to attack him. The time slows down for Shen Qingqiu so he can see it in detail. How Luo Binghe doesn't really manage to stop running, almost impaling himself on Xiu Ya's blade by the force of inertia. How Luo Binghe's eyes widen, making him look like a confused, scared child. How realization dawns on him, twisting his face into a grimace of fury, his pupils shining bright red. How he regroups is a fraction of a second, easily dodging Shen Qingqiu's clumsy attack.

“Ah, this lowly disciple apologizes,” his voice is dripping with malicious sarcasm. “He just thought that Shizun was-" He doesn't finish talking, having to dodge another wild attack from Shen Qingqiu.

Luo Binghe easily evades all the attacks before making his own move, trying to reach Shen Qingqiu with his claws.

“Do you really hate me so much?!“ He cries so loud it makes Shen Qingqiu's ears ring, “Why are you running?!“

He gets too close, too fast, to Shen Qingqiu’s face. Before he has time to think, he hits Luo Binghe’s face. “Why, am I not allowed to run?! Should I lie down and accept what you want to do with me?!“ Shen Qingqiu screams back.

Luo Binghe's face is a mix of shock and fury. He freezes for a moment before he has to get away from Shen Qingqiu’s blade. He sneers at his master, “I just wanted to talk! Is it so hard to listen to me?!“ His voice almost breaks.

Shen Qingqiu makes another swing, this time even sloppier than previous ones. He feels like a star about to die and collapse into itself. He is exhausted. His limbs are heavy, his vision is swimming, his ears are ringing, he feels like he is going to fall apart. And yet he refuses to give up.

“Do I look like I want to talk? Do I look like I want to listen to what you say?“ Shen Qingqiu sneers.

“Shut up,“ Luo Binghe hisses through his teeth.

“If me sprinting from you wasn't enough of a clue, I will put it in a way you will understand…“ Shen Qingqiu continues, his voice is mean and cruel.

“Shut Up!“ Luo Binghe says louder.

Shen Qingqiu can't see anything, he can't hear anything, he can barely feel his own limbs. And yet he collects all the remaining power he has. He swings blindly at Luo Binghe.

“…I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to listen to you, and I don't want to see you ever again!“ Shen Qingqiu screams at the top of his lungs.

He doesn't manage to do anything afterwards. In a split second Luo Binghe is slamming him into a wall, grabbing him by his throat.

“SHUT UP!“ Luo Binghe screams at him hysterically. “SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!“ He squeezes Shen Qingqiu's neck with one hand and closes his mouth shut with another.

Shen Qingqiu is in pain. The place where he hit his head is radiating pain. He can't breathe. His eyes feel like they are getting squeezed out of their sockets. Still, as he blinks with his unseeing eyes, he refuses to give up. In a last attempt at retaliation, he bites Luo Binghe's hand holding his mouth shut with all his might. The teeth dig into the meat of the palm with a satisfying feeling until he tastes the blood on his tongue.

The moment he realizes what he has done it's already too late.

“Oh, yes.” There is an insanity in Luo Binghe's voice. He is pushing his hand even harder into Shen Qingqiu's mouth, forcing him to drink more of his blood. His other hand relaxes his hold on his throat. “Yes, drink it!“ He repeats with fervor.

Shen Qingqiu feels his head splitting in pain. The tugging at the back of his head hasn't left him entirely for more than half a day at this point, and now the sensation that could be easily ignored now feels like a stab of a knife at the base of his skull.

He thinks he would've felt despair if he could.

He doesn't feel despair, though.

All he feels is bone-deep exhaustion.

His legs are barely holding him, his whole body aches, his vision is swimming, and his mind is a mess. He thinks if not for Luo Binghe's hold on his throat, he would've toppled over from the power of his dizziness.

All he can do is to stare at Luo Binghe.

It's not a bad sight if you ask him.

Luo Binghe is a picture of the holy rage. His demonic traits are out in the open. His demonic zuiyin is shining in a bright red light illuminating his face in a soft glow. His pupils are sizzling with the same red, giving his look a touch of insanity. His hair is stylishly tossed around after their fight. The moon is shining right behind his like a halo, bathing Luo Binghe in its light. That's the power of the protagonist for you.

Like this he looks like an angel of death.

Shen Qingqiu distantly thinks that he doesn't mind dying, if it's from the hand of such perfection.

Well…

Not exactly perfection. There is a small detail that doesn't fit.

Shen Qingqiu doesn't think when he raises his hand to Luo Binghe's cheek.

Luo Binghe stills immediately, his eyes tracking Shen Qingqiu's every movement with an unnerving intensity.

“Why is Binghe crying?“ He asks softly, gently wiping down one of the tear tracks from Binghe's cheek.

Luo Binghe stares at him with wide, wild eyes. There are tears still running down his face in small waterfalls. This is wrong.

“Shizun?“ Luo Binghe whispers so quietly Shen Qingqiu almost doesn't catch it.

“Luo Binghe shouldn't cry,“ Shen Qingqiu slurs, his tongue feeling clumsy in his mouth. He tries to wipe the rest of the tears, but to no avail, Luo Binghe doesn't stop crying.

Luo Binghe is looking at Shen Qingqiu with an unreadable expression, holding himself unnaturally still. The only signs of life in him are his pulsating pupils and panting breath.

This weird spell gets broken when he grabs Shen Qingqiu's hand and brings it to his eyes. “Shizun was poisoned.“ He says almost monotonously.

Shen Qingqiu doesn't say anything. He has no time before he feels the squirming somewhere under his skin. His disgust is probably not as intense as it would have been if he hadn't been pollened. Still, it feels distinctly uncomfortable, making him want to jump out of his skin.

There is a weird, almost ticklish feeling in his hand. Then the next moment he realizes he is not infected anymore. Huh.

The parasites don't stop at his hand. They travel through every nook and crevice on Shen Qingqiu's body. They start with his toes, crawling higher up his legs, to his internal organs, to his heart and lungs, up with the blood flow until they reach his-

“What is that?“ Luo Binghe asks, looking very intently at Shen Qingqiu.

-Head.

Oh shit. It hadn't occurred to Shen Qingqiu that Luo Binghe might be able to feel the pollen from Gilded Powder Yarrow with his blood parasites. He isn't sure what it means for him at this moment, but for some reason it feels very important to not let Luo Binghe know about this condition.

“What. Is. That?“ Luo Binghe asks again, bringing his face way too close to Shen Qingqiu's. Shit, he needs to come up with a convincing lie right now. He needs to use all his experience at being a professional poser who masterfully lies.

“Uhhh, nothing,“ he says unconvincingly.

Fuck!

There is a peculiar expression on Luo Binghe’s face Shen Qingqiu can't quite read. Is this shock? Exasperation? A secret third thing? Shen Qingqiu doesn't know, but he can be sure that Luo Binghe is very unimpressed with him right now.

Shen Qingqiu almost jumps when he feels blood parasites come to life again inside his head.

“I guess if Shizun doesn't want to tell this one, he leaves him no choice but to investigate.“ Luo Binghe says darkly.

And investigate they sure do! Every time the blood parasites wriggle in his head, it feels as if he is getting shocked, his vision jumping all over the place, making him squirm.

Luo Binghe doesn't seem to concern himself with Shen Qingqiu's comfort. His eyes are unfocused, and yet he looks like he is concentrating very hard.

He frowns slightly. Then he squints his eyes almost curiously. Then he frowns again. He mouths something to himself. Then he freezes. His eyes open wide in shock.

“Shizun, what the hell is this?“ He asks Shen Qingqiu with a note of hysteria.

“Aren't you going to tell what you find with your investigation?“ Shen Qingqiu asks.

He is curious about what he has found! Luo Binghe used to love showing off his skills as a child!

“I have found that Shizun is infected with something that stops him from feeling fear and impairs his critical thinking.“ He hisses at Shen Qingqiu, looking furious.

Shen Qingqiu nods. Ah, he is so smart. Of course Luo Binghe will easily find out that this pollen makes him-

“What did you say?“ Shen Qingqiu asks.

Impairs critical thinking?

Luo Binghe takes a loud angry breath through his nose. “Whatever this is, it stops victim from feeling fear. And every time it activates, it impairs critical thinking, making the person impulsive, unpredictable, and rash, slowly eroding the host's mind in process.“

No, it can't be-

“It's Gilded Powder Yarrow’s pollen.“ Shen Qingqiu says, feeling lost. “It's not supposed to work that way. It's supposed to-“ he stops in his tracks.

Luo Binghe watches Shen Qingqiu as the realization hits him.

Of course. The Proud Immortal Demon Way showed the elixir made out of this pollen. It had a lot of other stuff in it. Of course it would work differently compared to the raw material.

Of course! Of course the pollen is used specifically so that prey animals wouldn't avoid the predators. Of course pollen like this would make them act more rash.

“Fuck…“ Shen Qingqiu can't help the curse falling from his lips.

He has been walking around with the pollen that actively is giving him brain damage.

“Fuck…“ he curses again.

His head pangs with pain. His vision swims. It's hard to think.

He should've just told Mu Qingfang.