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Thee believes Mok to be one of the brightest men he’s ever known.
In matters of the heart, however, he’s aware that his friend struggles with an intensity that makes Thee believe that Mok only hears what he wants to hear, as long as it aligns with what he believes in.
He knows this as soon as the fight leaves Mok’s body, when Thee mentions that he now sees why love is a dangerous game for them.
Immediately, he knows that Mok’s misunderstood him.
Mok is stubborn, too smart but a fool at the same time. He hears that love is dangerous for them, but not in the way that Thee sees it.
They both understand that it’s dangerous because it causes them to take risks for the people that they love. It pushes them to make decisions that could topple empires. It stands in the corner of their bedrooms and looms over their beds like a bad dream. It makes their end uncertain.
To Thee, it’s worth it. It keeps him going, these days. Love is a reminder to be gentler, to be kind, to take it down a notch to make sure that he comes home at the end of the night. Love is taking care of a fire, so that it warms the house and its occupants. It’s the light that helps him tuck into a nice book with Peach by his side.
To Mok, it’s probably something else.
He'll say that love is a risk. It’s something you make calculations about and come to the conclusion that it’s not worth it in the end. When you make difficult choices, love is a reminder that there’s someone to fail at the end of it all. Love is a fire, but it burns the house down. Even if it leaves survivors behind, there’s the loss of belongings, risk of smoke inhalation, and the trauma of surviving. Love is a light but it shines too brightly in Mok’s direction and makes him avert his eyes so that it doesn’t leave him blinded.
Thee doesn’t blame Mok at all, however. This way of thinking has been ingrained into him since they were children. Mok has to analyze every situation and see the risk. His job is to make sure everyone survives and makes it to the end. Mok analyzes business portfolios, proposals, and legal documents. He has to pre-empt catastrophes so that he can create solutions to anticipate them all. Mok is the light at the end of the tunnel, but for everyone else— not himself.
“Do you understand what your father has been trying to tell us now?” Mok asks him.
He could reason with Mok, but he’s a brick wall. He wants to take Mok and shake him, tell him that he’s working on something for the three of them and their future. Mok seems to cradle this terrible thing inside of himself and lets it tangle its vines around the tiny bit of hope that Thee’s seen in him lately. As seconds pass between the two of them, Thee feels Mok distance himself bit by bit and Thee knows he has to try for the sake of Mok.
“I was never afraid of dying,” Thee answers him, “Until I fell in love with Peach.”
“Arseni’s bodyguards are taught to see death as something close,” Mok says, “It’s probably right that I should stay away from love.”
Thee wonders if this was his father’s intent.
His father never looked to physical punishments for him and Rome. It was as if he weaponized silence, disappointment, and shame in a way that was more powerful than being struck by a leather belt.
Their father loomed over them. He gave but he could take too. The power that Thee and Rome held was because it was given to them. They could be stripped of it, in many ways. Borders were closed, businesses were taken, and flights were cancelled. Rome was held at a distance, but leashed. Thee was sent away, but closely watched. Arseni was a panoptic that controlled their performance. This was their punishment.
Mok was never punished as a child. He was stubborn but obedient. He worked with rules. Even his and Thee’s secret childhood pact still fell squarely within the box that they were both shoved into. Thee could tell that Mok was somewhat conditioned to follow and obey. Mok carried gratefulness like a cross to bear. It was as if, in his mind, if he shifted from the trajectory that Thee’s parents had placed him on, it could all be taken away from him in a snap.
Thee would never let it happen, though. In the past few years, he’d set up trust funds, accounts, and businesses under Mok’s name that he’s kept close to his chest. Things that father and mother could never take from him, should Mok find a reason to leave. Mok doesn’t know this, but Thee’s secured him as best as he could. He knows what it’s like to watch Mok stiffen on his father’s command. He hates that it took him so long to notice, with only Peach’s guidance leading him to it.
“But you’re not just a bodyguard,” Thee tells him, “You’re my friend, Mok.”
Mok smiles at him, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. His shoulders are drawn, something Thee notices only when his father is around. It’s as if Mok was waiting for a final judgment, strong enough to cut him down and empty him of the last bit of hope that was clinging to his person.
Thee reaches out for Mok’s wine glass and drinks from it. It’s a quiet sort of forgiveness and blessing, something that Thee knows Mok craves even if he hasn’t done anything wrong. It’s also a reminder that they once shared everything without question.
“You’re happy that I found Peach,” Thee tells him, “I want to be happy for you too.”
He’s seen the change in Mok’s demeanor since Rome last left for Hong Kong. Although Rome had abandoned them during dinner, when Mok finally showed up for work the day after, he had a warmth to him that made Khun Game look at him as if he’d grown a second head.
Thee wants to congratulate him out loud, the same way Mok has just done for him. He wants to reach over to Mok and pull him into a hug and let them sink into one another once more, just like the old days.
He doesn’t know if any of this will go to Mok’s head, or if Touch’s arrival has jolted him in a way that is forcing his mind to work overtime. He has to try though, he has to build up a fortress around Mok that prevents any of this drama from pushing him back into his shell. Thee owes it to Mok’s friendship. Thee owes it to his brother.
Most of all, he owes it to all three of them.
Thee waits him out, letting him gather himself for a rebuttal, something that Thee can push against and let the sunlight through.
“Still,” Mok answers, “In the end, I have to take a bullet for my friend.”
Something sharp passes through Thee’s chest, but he doesn’t let it show on his face. He wishes that Peach were here to balance the two of them out. As much as Peach has been good for Thee, he knows that he’s been great for Mok too. His presence has blown away the layer of dust that sat over the thread that wound Thee and Mok together.
Mok seemed to listen to Peach more, probably something about the way that Peach stands outside of most of their chaos and drama. He’s the peaceful judge that watches over the three of them and beckons them back to reason.
Thee looks at Mok and searches his face for something, a hint of grief and desperation. He’s looking for the type of calm that washes over someone as they make a choice that will lay waste to years of effort, all because of a single dark thought.
He’d never want Mok to take a bullet for him. He doesn’t want sacrifice from his friend. Thee wants to live years and years with him, wants to stand side by side with him so that they can see their empire flourish together. He wants Mok there to make fun of him as he cries from watching Peach walk down the aisle. He wants Mok there when his kids take their first steps. He wants Mok there to poke fun at every single one of his decisions, despite being the one to support him every single step of the way.
He doesn’t want Mok to die for him because he wants Mok to live as he does too.
“But as long as Arseni is under my supervision,” Thee reassures him, “No one will die.”
Mok smiles at him and Thee smiles back. In the silence, an awful feeling brews in Thee’s chest that makes him want to lock Mok away until Rome’s return.
Thee wants to poke at him, prod him until he flays himself open for Thee, but he knows that he can’t. Growing up with Mok means that Thee knows that he flounders under scrutiny. If Thee questioned him now, his face will turn to stone and he will smile in a way that makes Thee want to hit him. There will be no talking him out of what he’s thinking, even with Peach by his side.
“I hope so,” Mok tells him.
—
It goes like this:
In three weeks, Lee 99 will arrive at the mansion.
Mok will ask for a 3 day leave that Thee will extend to 6 days.
Thee will look at him as if he’s asking for mercy and Mok will pretend he never saw it.
Peach will fuss at Mok’s tie, trying to catch his eyes, and Mok will give him a look as if he’s asking for the last bit of salvation that could make him rethink his plan. Peach will be distracted, eyeing the way that Thee paces the hallway back and forth as they wait for Rome’s arrival. Mok will smile at Peach as he looks back and deems Mok ready for the day.
In three weeks, Lee 99 will arrive at the mansion and Mok will greet Rome at the front door.
He will say “Welcome back, Khun Krisdanai” and let go for the last time.