Chapter Text
Is there still love?
You Shulang stepped out of the supermarket with a half-drunk bottle of liquor in one hand. His steps were a little wobbly from the combined effect of the drinks he had taken at the bar earlier and the fresh one still burning his tongue, but he walked with purpose.
He had arranged for a taxi to take him to his destination.
Is there still love?
There were still many people walking about in the street even though it was already past midnight. You Shulang passed a young couple, watching as the boy wrapped a warm scarf around his lover’s neck.
He swallowed, even though there was nothing in his mouth.
Is there still love?
The blinking indicator lights of the cab waited for him across the street. You Shulang tucked his hands in his pocket against the chilly air, and started to cross the road.
The pedestrian light flashed a bright green.
Is there still love?
You Shulang had taken only three steps out onto the road, when instinct caused him to rear his head up. Years of being bullied and living solitary had honed his instincts to alert him anytime something was wrong.
And here and now, something was definitely wrong.
You Shulang’s eyes widened, reflecting twin pools of bright white.
The honking sound pierced the air, a little too late.
There was no time to dodge, and You Shulang felt a terrible pain as something big and heavy collided with his body, sending him flying backward to crash onto the asphalt.
He heard the terrible screams.
He smelled the iron scent of blood.
But the last thing You Shulang saw in his mind was a handsome face with hair tied in a small ponytail, smiling at him.
His mouth opened in a pained whisper.
"Fan Xiao…"
Fan Xiao drove his bike, his eyes wide, almost crazed.
He was probably speeding, and Shulang would be very angry if he found out.
Shulang.
Fan Xiao's heart seized with terrible fear.
Fan Xiao had finished stacking the boxes at the warehouse in the early hours of the morning, when the sharp ring of his phone had cut his peaceful way to slumber in a creaky bed warmed by a cheap portable warmer.
That phone call from Shi Lihua had sent Fan Xiao’s heart dropping right down to his very feet. He had froze, suddenly feeling so cold in spite of the warm orange glow from the warmer.
A flash of deep water.
A sense of helplessness.
Screaming.
Darkness, and a box of sodden matches.
Shulang walking away from him as he begged on bloodied limbs.
Fan Xiao jolted, and realized that he had begun to tremble violently.
Pull yourself together, Fan Xiao.
He had immediately risen from bed, reaching for the keys to his bike.
He had to attempt thrice before his fingers could properly turn the key in the ignition. As soon as the engine roared loudly to life, Fan Xiao kicked off, speeding off to the hospital.
You Shulang had met with an accident.
“Fan Xiao!” His friend looked up as he dashed into the corridor.
“Where is he?” Fan Xiao’s throat was tight. He fisted his hands so they would not shake so much.
“Inside.” Shi Lihua jerked a thumb behind him. “He has not woken up yet. The doctors ran some scans and said there were no bleeding in his brain or stomach. He has some very minor liver lacerations, three fractured ribs and some significant bruising and swelling over his face and body, but they said he is otherwise stable.”
“Then why is he not waking up?”
“The doctors have put him on expectant management for now. They will redo the scans in a few hours’ time, they informed me that some bleeding in the head and stomach may appear later after an accident.”
Fan Xiao felt his heart still. But he reached for the doorknob and entered the room as silently as a shadow.
The Bodhisattva laid on a bed of white, intravenous lines running into his pale skin. The loud beeping of the monitor cut the silence, jarring and sterile. You Shulang’s face and right arm was heavily bandaged. The parts of his face which were not covered up revealed a large cut over his lower lip and abrasions over his forehead and cheeks.
Fan Xiao’s heart was run through with a knife instantly, as he looked over the extent of You Shulang’s injuries.
He reached out and gently held You Shulang’s right hand, careful not to move it even an inch.
“Shulang.” His voice came out hoarse.
The Bodhisattva stayed silent, eyes closed. The monitor continued its steady beeping, the only relief Fan Xiao could desperately latch onto in this quiet room.
“Shulang.”
“Shulang, wake up please.”
But this was not a fairytale, the Goddess would not simply wake just because the most devout follower prayed and prayed.
Shulang, please don’t leave. Don’t leave me.
Fan Xiao felt his mind begin to spiral in fear and desperation but he closed his eyes, taking deep breaths to ground himself. Him going crazy now is not going to help You Shulang.
I promise I will move even further away from you… I will stay deeper in the shadows.
I promise you will never ever lay eyes on this despicable figure again.
Just… wake up.
Wake up… won’t you?
Shulang…
I beg you.
Shulang, please…
... don’t go where I cannot follow.
“The driver who struck him had lost control of his vehicle, the brakes had failed. He is an elderly man, and was terrified. He immediately called the ambulance. The medical staff found You Shulang bleeding and unconscious on the road, and immediately took him to the ER.”
“Does the elderly man wish to speed his ascent to Heaven?” Fan Xiao could not help the twisted words that fell from his lips. You Shulang would hate him for that.
“Fan Xiao, the old man was petrified. After he was discharged with minor injuries, the old man went to the police station and offered to be detained.”
Fan Xiao looked away, his hand itching to reach for the box of rouge in his pocket. But smoking was not allowed in hospitals.
Shi Lihua offered him a cup of coffee instead, which Fan Xiao readily accepted as they sat outside You Shulang’s hospital room. “Apparently Director You was returning from the bar where he had drinks with his friends.”
“Why was he alone?” Fan Xiao’s voice was steeped in anger and exasperation.
“His friends said that they offered him a ride but he rejected them and told them he was going to head home alone on the bus. But for some reason, he apparently called a cab. But before he could reach the meeting point with the driver, he was struck by the car.”
Fan Xiao closed his eyes.
“He was holding a bottle of alcohol in hand, and they found…” Shi Lihua sneaked a glance at Fan Xiao. “… a box of condoms in his pocket.”
“Why did Lu Bowen not fetch him from the bar?” Fan Xiao’s voice was tight.
“I…”
The rushing sound of footsteps made the two men look up. They watched as the handsome half-Chinese, half-Portuguese boyfriend of You Shulang ran up the corridor as Fan Xiao previously had. His impeccable hair had been blown out of its usual sleek appearance, and his clothes were askew.
“Shulang-“
At the name, Fan Xiao immediately shot out his seat, took a hold of Lu Bowen’s collar and slammed him into the wall.
“YOU…!”
The fear and helplessness that had overtaken Fan Xiao in the past hour needed an outlet… and they easily found one in You Shulang’s supposedly perfect boyfriend.
“You… how dare you even let him go home alone…”
Lu Bowen’s eyes widened.
“Hey, hey, hey…” Shi Lihua reached out and urgently pulled on Fan Xiao’s hand. “Let’s not get out of control now…”
“How dare you… not care for him…” Fan Xiao gritted out.
I did not care for him either. I did much worse.
The thought took hold in Fan Xiao’s mind and he immediately released Lu Bowen, staggering back.
It’s all my fault.
Lu Bowen chose not to continue the confrontation and instead silently entered the hospital room.
Fan Xiao sank back against the wall, but his feet would not hold him up any longer. He slid to the floor, even as his friend tried to pull him up.
I said I would leave. I said I would silently watch over you, keep you safe, make sure you are happy…
And now… now you are lying in a hospital bed.
“Fan Xiao, are you sure you are not fired?” Shi Lihua crossed his arms as he stood in the hospital room five days later.
Fan Xiao sat in a chair by You Shulang’s bedside, peeling an apple with a knife. “I requested an extended leave with the company. So far, I have only been gone three business days.”
“Three business days is everything in sales! You have been here almost every hour for the past five days!”
“The company is understanding. I have been very diligent in my work as their regional sales agent. It was either extended leave, or I resign.”
“And you are going to be here until when?” Shi Lihua challenged.
“Until he wakes up.”
“And if he never does?”
The knife stopped moving, and the red trail of apple skin dangled almost ominously. Fan Xiao’s dark eyes slowly rose to fix onto his close friend.
Shi Lihua swallowed. “I mean, it could be any time. Could be one month, six or even a whole year!”
“I can wait.” Fan Xiao lowered his eyes back to the apple in his hand. “I just want to be here when he wakes, make sure he is okay.”
They both looked at the unconscious man lying on the bed. The swelling on You Shulang’s face had lessened markedly and some bandages had been removed yesterday, even though the abrasion wounds and bruises had yet to disappear.
“Okay, okay!” Shi Lihua threw up his hands. “Anything you need me to get you? Some liquor? Smokes? A mattress?”
Fan Xiao shook his head. “I am alright.” He reached out, touching You Shulang’s fingers gently. Fan Xiao always made sure he sat within reach of You Shulang everyday in the hospital room.
“Now I just need him to be alright.”
Bright light.
And then darkness.
You Shulang was confused. What was happening?
It was so dark here, he needed to find his way out.
Perhaps if he tried to open his eyes…
You Shulang forced open his eyelids, and was instantly struck by blinding white. The man immediately had to close them again, and slowly squinted to adjust to the light.
Eventually, he was able to open his eyes properly and take a good look at his surroundings.
You Shulang stared at the sterile white ceiling and then down at the walls. He stared at the beeping monitor displaying his vital signs in traffic light colours and then at the infusion stand looming above his head.
And then he saw… him.
Fan Xiao.
You Shulang felt a soothing warmth slowly envelop his body at the sight. Fan Xiao was fast asleep in a chair close to the bed, leaning back with his mouth slightly open. His left hand was holding onto You Shulang’s right, not tight but with just enough contact to be comforting.
You Shulang smiled.
A lock of hair had fallen over Fan Xiao’s eye and You Shulang felt an urge to brush it away. He lifted his left hand and tried to roll onto his side to reach out to the sleeping man.
An excruciating stab of pain immediately shot through him, causing him to shout out. “Ow!”
The sleeping man immediately jerked awake at the sound. Fan Xiao’s wide eyes locked onto You Shulang’s and he immediately froze, as if he was not sure what he was looking at.
And then realization crept into his eyes, quickly followed by a mixture of immense relief and happiness. “Shulang! You… you are awake!” The handsome younger man immediately pressed the red button on the wall above the bed.
You Shulang nodded and tried once more to move his body.
“D-Don’t move! But… don’t close your eyes… please! DOCTOR! SOMEONE CALL THE DOCTOR!” Jabbing the red button was not enough for Fan Xiao, and he started yelling.
“W-Water…” You Shulang croaked.
A straw was immediately touched to his lips gently, and You Shulang drank slowly, filling his very dry mouth and throat with warm water.
Fan Xiao watched him intently.
You Shulang smiled once he had drank enough. “Thank you.”
Fan Xiao seemed at a loss, quietly frantic like a trapped animal. “I… do you want to sit up? But… we better wait until the doctor comes. Stay with me, Shulang, please…”
How adorable.
“I am sorry… for making you worry.”
You Shulang watched as Fan Xiao froze at the words, surprise flickering in his eyes.
A momentary silence fell between them.
“Why should you be sorry?” Fan Xiao finally whispered, his voice low. “It is I who have wronged you time and again.”
You Shulang frowned at the strange words, but then the door slid open and the medical team swiftly entered the room.
“Doctor!” Fan Xiao immediately released You Shulang’s hand and ran over, grabbed the poor specialist and hauled him to the hospital bed. “He is awake!”
Fan Xiao then spent the next ten minutes in restless silence, fidgeting behind the medical team as they conducted some basic physical examination on You Shulang.
The doctor smiled in satisfaction after he had performed the final neurologic examination. “Can you tell me your name, how old you are, and the place you are currently in?”
“My name is You Shulang. I am thirty years old. This is a hospital room.”
“Do you remember what happened to you?”
You Shulang shook his head. He had tried to remember what had happened before he woke up to find himself lying in a hospital bed, but he could not recall anything. His memories appeared fragmented, like large black holes in his mind.
“Is there anything else you are able to remember?”
Ah.
You Shulang smiled and pointed at the handsome man standing worriedly behind the nurse. “That is Fan Xiao.”
You Shulang’s smile deepened, his gaze filled with pure affection. “My husband.”