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liam and henry are boring. no thats not fair to say i mean, they try their best. i know they want me to feel better..but its not really working.
so there i was, sat in liams house while him and henry play some stupid anime rpg, scrolling instagram. one if lia’s posts come up and zoe was mentioned, god she ruined her hair… she thought it would be a good idea to dye it brown after our breakup but she now just looks even worse. it makes me chuckle a but but i just scroll past.
then “people you may know”. Luke. a music freak. he posted pictures of rehearsal and just to my luck the first one included jake. now i could’ve scrolled past still, after all its just a picture of jake, but i was compelled to look at all of the pictures, little clips of jake and hailey harmonising. another one where the band all pulled silly faces. a picture of jake, hailey, zander and luke at the carnival. a picture of the band at the competition. i zoomed into that picture…
“huh..” i muttered under my breath, its not like liam and henry were paying attention since they were screaming over losing, but in the picture jake and hailey seemd to be holding hands. i scrolled back to the photo of luke, zander, hailey and jake at the carnival and suddenly it looked a bit like a double date of sorts.. is jake *dating* hailey..
“uh.. im gonna head home its getting dark” i muttered hoping one of the idiots would hear as i zipped ip my black hoodie and put my shoes on, ready to leave.
“dudeee its only like 5!” henry whined in that annoying nasally voice of his, to that i just groaned and decided to walk out, putting my airpods in and opening spotify to play my playlist. as much as i wont admit this to anyone, its not music i hate, in fact i love music - i just hate those freaks in the band. who do they think they are! who does hailey think she is.
i opened up the photos app in my phone, scrolling through all the photos of me and jake. when we went to the arcade, my 16th birthday sophmore year, that picture of henry and liam kissing in the background while me and jake posed for a selfie. as much as they act it, henry and liam arent gay or anything they were just drunk at that party. i scrolled and scrolled all the memories - years of our friendship. i didn’t know how i felt. its like a hole was ripped in my heart the moment he became a music freak, the moment he chose hailey over me. and now they’re dating.
before i knew what i was doing, i took a sharp left. thats not the way to my house.. thats the way to jakes house. i knew it like second nature, kingsley avenue, then a right at lumine street, straight down gibson lane and down the alley to yuri lane, jakes street. down to door number 54 and..
*knock knock knock*
why did i knock why did i knock what if he isnt home he probably hates me plus the chances of him answering are so small what am i doing here??
“oh hi drew!” a female voice called out, without even looking up i knew it was his mother. his mother had only ever been nice to me, she mentioned one time that jake never had many friends until i came along and that she was very grateful for me being in his life.
“hi miss sterling, you wouldnt know where jake is would you..?” at this point, i gather that he probably isnt at home and i’m prepared to bud her farewell and go back to my house.
“oh he’s just upstairs, he hasnt come down since he got home! you can go knock on his door if you want, im sure he’d be delighted to see ya!” shock. adrenaline. my one chance to finally own up to my mistakes and take charge of this situation. she opens the door more, inviting me in and i take my shoes off before going up the wooden stairs. his house smells like cupcakes, a sweet smell but it doesnt overpower your senses, it smells like him. oh how i miss that smell.. when he would give me a hoodie as a “just because” gift because he knows i could never have enough and he only wears hoodies to bed.
there i stood outside his room, my last chance to turn away. turn away and forget our friendship, let him go off with hailey and we will never be a thing again. my head ran through a million outcomes at once. i had a speech prepared for this..how corny would it be to read it to him..
screw it. i open my notes app to the speech i wrote as a point of reference before knocking on his door.
*knock knock knock*
i heard shuffling before jake opened the door.
his face turned into one if surprise, he was wearing low rise jeans and his boxers were peaking out above them. he wasn’t wearing a shirt. my face heated up as i locked eyes with him, scanning his room for the worst case scenario - hailey being there. yet again, i was assuming the worst because she wasnt there, it was just him.
“what are you doing here drew..” i couldn’t read his tone- i’ve always struggled with that.
“just let me speak please! let me say what i need to say and after this i will never talk to you again and we can forget about eachother just..let m-me have this!” oh my god i stuttered. how fucking embarrassing.
none of what i am doing is “like” me. im not acting like myself! this is so strange but i need to get everything off my chest.
jake nods his head letting me speak and i take a deep breath, looking down at my notes.
“jake, you never felt comfortable sharing your true self with me. your passions, your hobbies. all secrets. but you aren’t the only one. i got to know the true you - i thought. but you kept so much from me worrying that i would judge you, but as your best friend, i hate that i EVER put you in that position. so now that everything about you is pit in the open i feel i should reciprocate. i actually love dance, i take dance lessons frequently and dance for fun all the time. also, that game you showed me- sally face- i said i hated it but i actually loved it a lot… also also,” i paused, fumbling my words slightly and realising i was rambling, “ there i go making it about me again, how cringe.. the point is uhhh… i’m trying to say..uhm i’m a dick. i’m rude and i’m a bully and i made you think you had to hide what you enjoy the most because i would judge you. i wouldn’t have judged you. i shouldn’t have bullied the music frea-…the music club..but i never bullied them because they liked music, i bullied them..i..”
i wasn’t ready to admit that part out loud. not yet.
“ i know i said i would never speak to you again after this but i’m kinda hoping you will accept my apology and we can yknow..be friends again..? god i suck at apologising”
i talked for way too long yet that still might go down as the worst apology in history. i looked to jakes face. i noticed that whenever hes conflicted he bites the right side of his lip so i was looking for that, but he wasn’t. so he wasn’t conflicted..so i’m unsure of how he was feeling. he didnt hold eye contact, he looked at my phone, then my hoodie, then my hair, then finally my eyes.
then he invited me into his room, still not saying anything. in fact, it wasnt until i was in his room and he had shut his door and i had sat down on his bed that he spoke.
“didn’t know you knew how to apologise drew.” he said, smiling. so he was being sarcastic. did he not take my apology seriously? no..thats not it
“the music club are my friends…but you are too. i want to be able to have both sides without having to lie! if we become friends again you need to understand that!” i looked down.
“and your girlfriend…” the words slipped out of my mouth after plaguing my mind oh my god.
“huh?” he shot a glance at me, still standing up pacing around, still shirtless.
“i saw the photos..your double date with… the gay ones”
this time i could read his expression. he was confused.
“uh no drew its not like that” i kept going though. of course i did.
“or when you held hands for a picture?”
“drew listen..”
“y-you probably shag her!” i stuttered. ew. i hate the fact i stutter when im nervous. my words kept spilling out i didn’t even know what i was saying. i was jealous. so jealous of hailey. jealous he likes her more than me. jealous he likes her at all!
jake came up to me and held my shoulder still standing up while i sat down.
“will you just listen for once!” he raised his voice. i just let him continue. why did i push a boundary right after apologising? why do i always ruin these thing?
“me and hailey arent dating. we’re very close but i dont like her like that i swear!” i wanted so badly to say something like “oh you didnt like daisy ‘like that’ at first and the you told us you had a crush on her” but i kept my mouth shut for once.
he looked at my face, studying my reaction.
“you dont believe me do you?”
i shook my head.
he just let go of my shoulder and paced around until he was facing away from me.
“you’re jealous of hailey because you like me”
what?
what is jake talking about?? i like him? im jealous? of hailey? never.
well..
maybe a bit but not because i like him
“no i like normal people …i like zoe, i like girls who can- can” i was lost for words but i felt this deep sense of panic within me.
“let me lay out some observations and you tell me if you follow okay?” he now faced me while speaking, holding direct eye contact
“you didn’t like me hanging out with a girl and assumed we had to be dating,” he wasnt wrong to be fair..
“you come to my house with a speech prepared to make up with me”
i did do that
“you go against everything you’ve done and act out of character because you want me to forgive you so bad”
“but im not gay!” i stopped him before he could continue. i could see what he was getting on to.
“please!” he exclaimed.
then without warning he pulled me up so we were both standing, grabbed the back of my head with both hands and kissed me. his hands tangled in my hair before moving to my waist and pressing me against him. i tilted my head as the kiss deepened, not even realising myself melting into it. i moved my hands up to his hair. his hair was so soft, so healthy.
we didnt stop until he pulled away.
“my final observation,” i knew what he was going to say,
“you liked that kiss”
in this moment how do i respond to anything. i might be gay? i like jake? im so confused!
“but you liked girls! you like daisy or hailey or whoever..”
“liked. i liked daisy. i never liked hailey we just joked around. plus, i can get behind being bisexual. i’ve known i liked you for…a bit of time now” this was a complete shock. what?
“but then i’m..gay? i’m different..” a simple word, a label. people hate. i hate.
“theres so much hatred in this world, at the end of the day, who cares who you are or who you like, you’re the exact same person.” that was oddly reassuring. he was right, there is so much to hate in the world, why would i choose to hate love. people are small minded and that gets them nowhere.
i pulled jake back onto his bed.
“im not even as attractive as you why would you like me” theres a stark difference in our bodies. he is so slim, even now as i trace his skin i dont see an ounce of fat on him. im not fat or anything but i’m not skinny either. i wear loose clothes because i dont like acknowledging my body, i like pretending. i’m starting to realise i pretend a lot.
“why would how you look change my feelings for you?” thats all he said before he went to kiss me again. how is he such a sweet talker! i’m meant to be better at this than him!
it was around 9 when we had tired out. we made out a bit, played video games and ignored how just hours earlier, i thought we would never be friends again.
“so what does this make us..” i asked, my voice oddly timid, sitting on his beanbag after winning a game of smash bro’s against him.
“uhhh” he stretched out his thinking as he looked at his phone.
“my club would *hate* us dating” he laughed while speaking but i didnt find that funny. it was true
“and when did other peoples opinions stop you jake..?” i tried to match his energy.
“i wasnt finished!” he snickered and continued, “i also assume you arent exactly gonna be an lgbtq spokesperson or anything” i hadn’t even thought about that. having to tell people i was dating a guy? that sounded like a death sentence..
“mhm..” i groaned
“we dont have to tell anyone until we’re ready but..would you like to, i dunno, date?”
what?? even after we made out, this came as a shock! even after admitting to liking eachother.. this was so..so..
the idea of dating a guy is a foreign concept to me. i never hated gay people, but i didn’t understand them either.
“is that how you’re gonna ask? do better than that” thats the only way i could think of responding, i cringed a bit at myself.
“fine” he smirked as he came over to me and knelt down,
he pulled me onto his lap and kissed my cheek, fixing my hair, before whispering to me,
“andrew, will you be my boyfriend”
“im too heavy to be on your lap idiot!” my face was heating up so much. my brain felt like it was short circuiting!
as if he was set on proving me wrong, he stood up lifting me up like a baby
“what are you doing!” i laughed
“i didnt hear a yes” he said before lightly throwing me onto the bed, which was right next to him so it obviously didnt hurt but it gave me a rush of adrenaline and false confidence.
“yes i will be your boyfriend.” and i stood in my tiptoes to kiss him before moving to his neck, lightly biting down on it until i knew it would leave a mark.
“you bitch!” his whispered under his breath.