Work Text:
Es sat at their desk, idily tapping the tip of their pen on the splintering wood.
"I should ask Jackalope for a new desk..." They muttered to themself. They stared at the clock in front of them, watching as the hands moved in a slow and agonizing motion.
5:16 PM
They were going to miss dinner. That's fine. They can just check for leftovers later. They grabbed the list of requests.
…
'Medical supplies for Yuno… fine.'
Es shoved down the feeling of bitterness. Why did they listen to those stupid wills?
'A package of paper for Fuuta… fine.'
Es shoved down the feeling of anger. Why didn't he do anything?
'Some crepes for Muu… fine.'
Es shoved down the feeling of guilt. Why didn't they do anything?
…
…
'Cigarettes for Kazui… fine.'
Es shoved down the feeling of regret. Why did they hide behind that stupid "prison guard" persona?
'Prayer beads for Amane… fine.'
Es shoved down the feeling of confusion. Why didn't they hate her? She killed someone yet… Es shoved those thoughts down. They needed to focus on work.
'A box of cards for Mikoto… fine.'
Es shoved down the feeling of something missing. Nothing was missing. They were Es! The warden! They were human.
…They were human. Always was, always will be.
'Protein shake ingredients for Kotoko… fine.'
Es shoved down the feeling of selfishness. They selfish for feeling these emotions. They never bothered getting close to the prisoners. They had no right to grieve. They had no right to be sad about them.
So they shoved those feelings down. They stomped on those feelings until they were nothing more than pitiful, weak, insignificant afterthoughts.
…Oh. They had no more work to do. Guess they could eat after all. Es stood up and walked out of their room.
Had they always been this slow of a walker? Had their footsteps always been this quiet? Was the hallway to the panopticon always this long? Was there even any point in wondering these things?
They stared at the floor as they walked. Was the floor always so shiny? They don't remember cleaning it lately.
They entered the panopticon and looked around. None of the prisoners were here. Es wonders where they all went off to.
Es entered the kitchen. They grabbed an empty cup and turned on the kettle. They put their complete focus on the water. They began to count the seconds.
1…
2…
3…
4…
5…
"E..?"
6…
7…
8…
"S…?"
9…
10…
11…-
"ES!" Es snapped out of their daze. They turned to see Fuuta standing awkwardly in the doorway. Es processed the man's presence for a moment before speaking.
"…Need something?" Was their voice always so dull?
"No, I don't. I was just worried. I saw you staring into space and you didn't answer when I tried to get your attention."
"…Sorry."
Fuuta shuffled slightly in discomfort. Es usually wasn't like this. No defending themselves? No scolding? Nothing like "why didn't you tap me on the shoulder."? Just a quick "sorry," and nothing else?
"It's… fine. What are you doing up so late?"
'I was the one who accepted that person's decision.'
"…Making tea."
"Oh. Well, make sure you don't pull an all-nighter or something. Got it?"
Es remained silent. Fuuta took Es's lack of response as a sign that he should leave.
"I'll… see you later." Es didn't respond to his attempt at a friendly departure. They just listened as his footsteps grew more and more distant, until they faded completely.
Once again, Es was alone.
And like always, they shoved their feelings down.
…
Tea no longer felt appealing.