Archive of Our Own

Jared looked up as Genevieve opened the door to his office and leaned against the jamb, arms crossed, hip slightly cocked. She looked like the proverbial cat that swallowed the canary.

"Guess what?" She asked, dark eyes sparkling with prospective victory.

"What?" he couldn't imagine what had changed in the hour since they'd returned from the courthouse.

"McMillon wants a meeting," she said. "I think he's ready to make a deal."

"You're kidding?" Jared said back in his chair, amazed. "He's turned down every offer I've put on the table."

"That was before he saw you in action, Jared," Genevieve said proudly. "You impressed him today."

Jared huffed out a laugh. "I'm not sure that's the right word."

"I am," Genevieve said, "I could see it in his eyes. I think he enjoyed the fact that you made him work for it today. He was expecting an easy win."

Jared smiled. He had been pretty damn awesome today. Genevieve was always quick to praise, but the thought that he may have actually earned the respect of an attorney of McMillon's stature was more than he'd hoped for at this stage in his career.

"When does he want to meet?" Jared asked as he checked his calendar.

"Now," Genevieve said meaningfully. "He's on his way over. I've ordered in some dinner from Gratziano's. Sandy's setting up the conference room."

"Now?" Jared deflated the tiniest bit, his promise to Jensen that morning dimming some of his excitement at the prospect of working out a deal with McMillon.

Genevieve paused, one perfectly sculpted brow raised. "Is that a problem?" As his assigned mentor with three years seniority, she made no secret she planned on making full partner one day.

"No, I just..." He started and then re-evaluated. He didn't want to share any of his family drama with her. Genevieve had little patience for excuses, especially when it came to personal issues. "No. Not a problem. I just need to make a call." Jared gave her a nod. "I'll be there."

She watched him speculatively for a few moments more than he was comfortable with. "Say hi to Jensen and the peanut for me."

It wasn't insincere exactly; more like it was something Genevieve felt was expected of her.

"I will," Jared gave a small reassuring smile and waited for her to leave before letting out a sigh. He wasn't looking forward to this call.

He looked at the framed family picture on his desk. They'd had it done specifically for this purpose, so that Jared could look at his family and be reminded of where he belonged and who he was doing this for. So he could draw strength from them if he ever questioned the sacrifice he was making in the name of a better future for all of them.

It was taken at Chris and Steve's beach house. Jensen was holding their little girl and Jared stood behind with his arms wrapped around them. They wore matching white t-shirts and faded denim rolled at the ankles as they stood in the surf, blue sky and sunshine behind them. God. It had been a beautiful day. One that seemed so long ago.

Jared pulled the picture closer, cell phone in his hand. They'd known this was going to be hard. Unfortunately they hadn't realized exactly how hard it was going to be. He worked ten to twelve hour days with a forty-five minute commute each way on top of that. In theory it had sounded doable. Three to five years at this firm and he should be able to write his own ticket anywhere he wanted. It was a temporary sacrifice they had agreed to together. Didn't make it any easier at times like this however.

Jared smiled as he looked at his daughter. She was six months older now and had already changed so much. In the photo, Stella was in her most favorite place in the world, Jensen's arms. They'd gone the surrogate route and had both donated their DNA with the understanding they didn't want to know who the biological father was. Danneel, who had been Jensen's best friend since grade school had agreed to carry the child for them.

After more than ten years together, they'd been more than ready to welcome a child into their life. Stella was everything they ever could have hoped for. By age three months however, it was more than obvious that Jared was her father. They shared the same hair and eye color, skin tone and devastating dimples. If anything, Jensen had said it made her even more precious to him - if that were possible. For while Jared may have been the biological father, there was no denying she was Jensen's girl.

Jensen had been Danneel's birth coach and had actually helped deliver little Stella Lu into the world. Jared had been finishing his final semester of law school and studying for his bar exam. While he planned on being there for the birth, they'd agreed Jensen was the more reasonable choice for coach. Jared would never begrudge Jensen that miracle moment or being the first to hold their baby girl, but it was undeniable that a bond had formed between the two that was nearly tangible. Jared wanted to be a part of that as well. It just didn't seem to come as naturally to him.

The same week that little Stella Lucia Padalecki-Ackles was born, or LuLu as Jensen had dubbed her, Jared passed his bar exam. They'd had three months of sleepless but blissful adjustment to being parents when Jared had been offered a once in a lifetime opportunity to work with Kripke and Morgan, one of the most prestigious law firms in Northern California.

Jared caressed the line of Jensen's jaw with the pad of his thumb. After all these years Jensen still made his heart flutter. Everything he loved about life was wrapped up in that boy’s smile. Jared sighed and put the picture back. He hated this disconnect from Jensen and Stella's life, but he loved his job. He reminded himself that it was temporary and that they'd agreed to this together. He could do this.
As he hit Jensen's number on speed dial Jared recalled how he was woken up that morning. Not by his alarm per the norm, but by slow trails of lazy kisses and the warm thrusting weight of a sleepy, gorgeously aroused Jensen. God, it had been so long. Jared had rolled them over, pinning Jensen’s hands over his head, fingering him open just enough to ease the burn as Jared took him. Jensen writhed beneath him, surrendering completely as Jared slid into tight heat in agonizingly slow increments.

“Please…” Jensen had panted, whimpering, needy for him in a way that he hadn’t been in so long.

The morning's intimacy mixed with the potentially career changing meeting that was moments away gave Jared a feeling of empowerment - like he really could have it all.

"Hi, this is Jensen..."

It should have bothered him more than it did when Jensen's voicemail picked up. Things had been a little rough lately, but this morning had gone a long way in easing Jared's mind. He could feel the distance between them, hated that despite their best efforts it was only getting worse. He'd addressed the issue in his head several times, making a mental note to sit down with Jensen and get it out in the open. One of these days he'd find the time to do it.

"Hey, Jen," He said after the beep. "I know I promised to be home on time tonight but something's come up. Something big. I'll tell you all about it later. I just...I'm sorry. I know this is hard." Jared hesitated, felt the need to say more, but decided now just wasn't the time. "I love you. Give Stella Lu a kiss for me, okay? Don't wait up."

God. Why did he feel like such a heel?

Jared took one final look at the picture on the desk. He damn well was going to make this sacrifice worth it. He grabbed his briefcase and left for the boardroom, determination evident in each long stride.

\*/

Jensen looked around for his phone, hand going to the front pocket of his jeans where he usually kept it, despite the fact that he could hear it ringing from somewhere other than the kitchen. He followed the sound into the living room just as he heard the chime that signaled it had gone to voicemail.

He looked to the blanket, where he'd left Stella playing with some toys, only to find it empty. Jensen looked around the baby proofed room, already having a general idea where she'd crawled off to. There really was only one place as the safety gates in place prevented her from going anywhere else in the house, except the kitchen, where Jensen had just come from.

"LuuuuLuuuuu," He sing-songed as he made his way over to the couch. He had no idea why but his little muffin loved to play behind the sofa. There was a good three feet between it and the wall and plenty of comfortable room for her. Jensen had even taken to leaving some of her toys back there and more than once he'd found her sound asleep on the carpet. Jared didn't seem to understand how the toys kept migrating there. When he was home on the weekends he'd pick them up and toss them back into the basket in the corner. Jensen had kind of given up on explaining why they were there.

Normally he would get down on Lulu’s level and crawl in behind her, today he planted a knee on the cushion and leaned over the back. "There you are," he said, like it was a big surprise to find her there. She looked up at him and it was like a quicksilver glimpse of Jared looking back at him with huge changeable eyes and a mop of chocolate waves finally long enough for two adorable little pigtails on the top of her head. "What're you..."

Jensen finally noticed what she had in her chubby little hands. "Are you playing with Daddy's phone?"

Caught red handed with contraband she knew she wasn't supposed to have, Stella made a run for it...or rather a turbo charged crawl. At nine months she was beginning to pull herself up to her feet, but was nowhere near ready to walk. She gave it a good go but in the end Jensen scooped her up before she could get too far.

"Lulu Padalecki," he said as sternly as he could muster, which admittedly wasn’t very, "What have I told you about playing with Daddy's cell phone?"

"Ah,dah!" she replied.

"Exactly," Jensen agreed. "You lost all phone privileges when you threw Dede's in the potty."

In her small repertoire of language Stella had already distinguished Jensen as Dada and Jared as Dede. She had a few other recognizable words, but for the most part she spoke her own Stella Lu version of the English language. Jensen spent so much time with her he could interpret most wants and needs intuitively. Jared would often look to him to translate and all Jensen could do was shrug. He didn't know what she was actually saying half the time either, he just went with it.

"Now," Jensen said with emphasis, holding his hand out, "hand it over."

Phone clutched to her chest like some rare valuable treasure, Stella looked at her father's hand and then up into his eyes. "Ah, dah?"
"See, I'm not falling for the sweet talk this time, darlin'," he said patiently.

"Ahzee-zee," Stella said matter of factly.

"Is that right?" Jensen asked, amused, listening to her as she babbled through what was possibly an elaborate and fairly convincing defense that again had him thinking of Jared. When she was finished, she looked at him guilelessly.

"Impressive defense, Sweet Pea," he said with a kiss to her temple, "but I'm still not buying. Hand it over."

Displaying her displeasure the only way she could, Stella threw the phone on the floor at Jensen's feet.

He sighed and looked at her, disappointment evident, "Stella." Jensen didn't use the tone or her given name very often. It had the desired effect. She wilted and turned away from him, putting her head on his shoulder. Jensen put his hand on her back as he knelt to retrieve his phone and then carried her into the organized chaos of the kitchen.

Jensen set the phone down long enough to put Stella in her high chair and slide the tray into place. Once he'd given her a couple of crackers to hold her over until dinner, he flipped open his phone. Nothing happened. In the corner of the screen a mini digital padlock blinked at him mockingly. He stared at it.

"You locked Daddy's phone," he said in surprise. "How did you lock Daddy's phone? I don't even know how to lock Daddy's phone." He realized he had a more important issue almost immediately. Jensen had no idea how to unlock his cell phone.

Lulu nibbled on her cracker looking around the normally spotless kitchen with wide eyes. Jensen sighed, tempted to give it back to her to see if she could unlock it. He'd had the phone for almost two months when they renewed their plan and upgraded. He'd read through the entire manual before even using the phone, because he was like that. Unlike Jared who just played with his until he figured it out. Jensen was certain he remembered something about how to lock and unlock the phone but... He pressed the corner key with the picture of a lock on it. The relief he felt at the sudden sound of life was short lived. The screen prompted him for a four digit code. He blinked. No clue.

The timer went off on the oven breaking him from his reverie. He looked at Stella and wagged his finger at her. "No more phones for you."

Whatever. He'd worry about it later. If it was something truly important whoever it was would call the business landline. He had more pressing matters to attend to.

"Buh, buh?" Stella asked. "Wuwu,buh,buh?"

Jensen turned and smiled at her as he removed the heavy-laden pan from the oven. "Nice job, pumpkin. I actually understood that," he praised before dashing her hopes. "No bottle. But look at this," he said as he held up two jars of baby food for her to see. "Country squash and fresh orchard peach. Mmmmm, yum."

Lulu didn't look overly impressed. She'd much prefer a bottle of formula but Jensen was slowly integrating some stage one baby food into her diet. He'd save the bottle for later, just before bed.

He'd just finished feeding Lulu her dinner when his cell phone rang again. Though he knew it was futile he took it out of his pocket and flipped it open. It kept ringing no matter what button he pushed. Jensen half-heartedly glared at Lulu, but she just looked at him like she was wondering why he didn't just answer the damn thing already. He put it back in his pocket and wiped her face clean.

Jensen had just settled Stella on her blanket in the living room to watch a Baby Einsten dvd so he could clean the kitchen when the line for his studio rang. He smiled as he caught sight of the number on the caller ID.

"Hey, Chris," he said, holding the phone to his ear with his shoulder as he loaded the dishwasher.

"I just tried calling your cell," Chris said in lieu of a greeting.

"Yeah, Stel locked it. Haven't had time to figure out how to unlock it yet." Jensen explained.

"Dude, your kid is a phone nazi." Chris unnecessarily informed him.

"Tell me about it," Jensen said somewhat distracted, then, "Whats up?"

"What's up?" Chris sounded slightly irritated but it was gone with his next words. "You didn't think we'd forget did you?"

"Forget what?" Jensen played along, but an obvious smile was tugging at his lips and he knew Chris could hear it in his voice.
"You're an ass," Chris said affectionately. He knew how much Jensen needed this. "See if I ever call and wish you two chuckle heads Happy Anniversary again!"

Jensen's laugh was free and genuine. It felt good. When he and Jared had first agreed to this arrangement he'd had no idea how the day to day details and complete and utter lack of Jared in his routine would come to affect him. He'd been looking forward to this day and reconnecting with his lover for months.

"Is he home yet?" Chris asked.

"Not yet," Jensen answered while checking his watch, "I don't expect him for another hour or so."

"I'm telling you, man," Chris said, "You should've taken Danneel up on her offer to take the kid for the night. How're you gonna have awesome, mind-blowing sex with the little wingnut in the next room?"

Chris. Always worried about the important things. "Are you kidding?" Jensen asked seriously. “Lulu sleeps like the dead, man. Just like Jared. Trust me, I'm not worried."

"Whatever you say, man," Chris still sounded skeptical.

"Besides," Jensen responded, "Jay still has to work tomorrow. We'll only have a few hours. I plan to make the most of it."

"Man, tell the dude to take the day off. Tomorrow's Friday," Chris suggested.

Jensen was already shaking his head. "That's not how it works. He's barely out of law school, Chris. Kripke and Morgan are one of the most prestigious firms in the state, they chose Jared out of 27 other potential candidates. He has to prove himself every day."

Chris was quiet before emitting a long sigh. "Who are you trying to convince, Jenny?"

It was Jensen's turn to sigh. He walked the few steps to the living room to peek in at Stella who was mouthing one of her teething rings while watching her show. She hadn't moved from her spot on the blanket.

"We agreed to this together. I can't just change my mind because it’s harder than I thought it was going to be, Chris. It wouldn't be fair."

"Screw fair," Chris said adamantly, "this is killing you both and you know it."

Jensen wasn't so sure of that. True, he'd really come to hate their arrangement, but he wasn't quite sure where Jared stood - and the uncertainty unnerved him. Jared loved what he did, that much was obvious. He was passionate about it in a way that still made Jensen smile.

"Jen?" Chris called to him over the line and Jensen realized he'd kind of gotten lost in this thoughts. His friend sounded apologetic. "Shit, man, this isn't why I called. Don't mind me, okay? In fact, let me just hit the rewind button.” Chris added some sound effects to make it real.

It garnered a ghost of a smile from Jensen. "Forget it."

"Forgotten," Chris said with enthusiasm. "Now, tell me what you're cooking. I know you, dude, you got the frilly apron on don'tcha?"

"Fuck off," Jensen cringed as he glanced over at Stella and then at the apron he'd just hung back on its hook. “It’s not frilly!” Chris laughed with such amused delight that Jensen just couldn't be irritated with him.

"Such a potty mouth, Jenny," Chris said, "You know I'm going to remind you of that the next time you scold me for cursing in front of the little princess, right?"

"Yeah, yeah," Jensen had no doubt that Chris would. He walked back into the kitchen to finish loading the dishwasher.

"So what'd you make?" Chris's voice still had the smile in it.

"Lasagna," Jensen answered and was met with a few seconds of silence.

"Are we talking the real deal here or that organic goat cheese, veggie crap you like?" Chris asked suspiciously.

"This is Jared we're talking about, Chris. What do you think?" Jensen smiled, knowing the answer very well. "Meatlover's. The sucker weighs close to twenty pounds." Which might have been an exaggeration.

"Aw, dude!" Chris pouted and it sounded like he kicked something in the background. "Times like this I hate you for living so far away."

Jensen smirked. His homemade lasagna was a rare and special treat that took all day to make, starting with his grandma’s secret sauce recipe. "Oh I may have had enough ingredients for a second pan that found its way into the freezer..."

"See, that right there, that's why I keep you around," Chris said, sounding pleased, then pouty again as he likely remembered it would be another three weeks before he and Jared were scheduled for another trip to the beach house. "Damn. Think you could fed ex it?"

Jensen couldn't help but laugh. It surprised him that he couldn't remember the last time he'd done so that wasn’t related to Lulu in some way. He'd put so much thought, time and energy into reconnecting with Jared tonight that it was a welcome distraction from worrying about the time they weren’t spending together or the growing distance between them that was weighing so heavily on his heart.

"I'm serious," Chris informed him, but it was obvious that getting Jensen to laugh had been the main goal.

"I know you are," Jensen chuckled affectionately at his friend’s expense as Stella came crawling into the kitchen with the teething ring still in her mouth. She paused long enough to look up at him and then headed straight for him. Jensen crouched down on one knee, thought better of it and decided to just sit on the floor with her.

"Yeah, well, I hope Jared appreciates all the effort you've put into tonight." Chris kept his tone light but some consternation had crept back in.

"Speaking of," Jensen sidestepped the concern, "I've gotta get going, man. Still gotta clean the kitchen and give the little muffin a bath before Jay gets home.

"Okay," Chris let him get away with it. "Don't wanna keep you. Just...I hope you have a really good night. You deserve it. Happy Anniversary, man."

Jensen swallowed hard at the genuine sincerity in Chris's voice and almost had to blink back tears. He knew Chris could hear it in his voice when he said, "Thanks."

"All right then," Chris cleared his throat and reverted back to his usual blustery self. "Go forth and have mind-blowing sex my friend."

It got another brief chuckle out of him as Chris hung up on his end. He looked at Stella who sat facing him on the floor, apparently waiting until she had his full attention.

"Dah?" She held out her teething ring to him as an offering. He took it and put it in his mouth, avoiding the drippy drool part, holding it in place between his lips. Smiled around it as Stella clapped in delight.

"You're so easy," Jensen said affectionately. Lulu had her moments but overall she was very easy to please, especially if one took the effort to get down on her level. The floor was her domain and she loved it when Jared or Jensen joined her.

To that end Jensen did his best to keep it literally clean enough to eat from. The whole borderline OCD neat freak thing came in pretty handy for such a thing. His smile slipped a little at that. Jared used to find his obsessive eccentricities adorable, playfully teasing him when he had to double check the locks or make sure all the lights were turned off. The last non-argument they had was a couple of weeks ago when he was late getting to bed because he wanted to give the floor a once over so it would be clean for Stel in the morning. He called it a non-argument because they hadn't actually fought about it. It was obvious though that Jared had been irritated and annoyed with him - and in fact had gone off to bed without him.

It was a minor thing and Jared had been tired at the time, but it had bothered Jensen enough for him to hurry through the chore with a sense of unease. When he'd finally crawled into bed and Jared pulled him close...he’d been all too willing to ignore the creeping dread and doubt.

"Aguh?" Stella was drooping a little. Tired but not ready to admit it. She just looked at him as if she were waiting for him to say something profound.

"You need a bath young lady," was his response.

Apparently that wasn't quite what she had in mind. Stella immediately shook her head to the contrary, but it was all for show. She loved bath time and they both knew it. Jensen picked her up and held her over his head as he tipped himself backward on the floor. She squealed happily as he blew a raspberry on her belly then tossed her into the air.

For a moment Jensen forgot about the butterflies in this stomach and all the hope he had tied up in the evening to come.

\*/

Jared checked his watch again. The food had arrived almost twenty minutes ago, but McMillon was MIA. Genevieve caught his gaze.
"He'll be here. Traffic is a bitch this time of day. You know that."

He nodded with a small smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. He wanted this. He did. There were times though when he couldn't ignore the tiny flutter of doubt in the back of his mind that only made itself known during rare moments of downtime such as this. It should bother him how easy it had become to sweep such thoughts away. He couldn't help but think of Jensen. He hadn't gotten a call back or a text in response to the voicemail he'd left earlier. Jared sighed, complacent about it in a way that once would have horrified him.

"He's on his way up now." Sandy popped her head in the conference room and then disappeared just as quickly.

Jared looked at Genevieve in anticipation, willing the butterflies in his stomach to settle, and took a deep breath.

"This is all you, Jared," she said with complete confidence. "Let's see what you've got."

\*/

Jensen looked down at Stella, sound asleep and powder fresh in her crib. She lay on her stomach facing him, one tiny little fist pulled up next to her mouth. He tucked her favorite blanket around her and smoothed his hand over barely dry chocolate curls.

"Sleep tight, baby girl." It amazed Jensen sometimes that this beautiful, fragile creature was theirs to care for. He loved Stella more than he'd ever thought possible, but there were times when she scared the crap out of him. The sheer magnitude of responsibility was awe inspiring and there were some days when he just didn't feel worthy.

Turning the baby monitor on he quietly eased his way from LuLu's room and the soft yellow glow of her nightlight. Jensen checked his watch. He was behind schedule, Jared would be home soon. There wasn't much he could do about the kitchen. He'd hoped to have it spotless by the time Jay got home but, he had to admit, that was more for his sake. The dishwasher was still running when he walked into the room. Jensen piled everything he hadn't been able to fit into the dishwasher on the counter next to the sink as neatly as possible and wiped down the stove and counters.

He made his way to the dining room, removing the baby gate and setting it to the side as he entered the room. He'd set the table earlier, adding just a few touches that would mark the meal a special occassion. Linen tablecloth and napkins in dark emerald, tapered beige candles, a floral arrangement from Danneel that complimented without overwhelming. Jensen smiled. It looked nice. Intimate. They usually ate at the island in the kitchen or in the living room, with the exception of the weekends when they sat down as a family and ate at a more acceptable hour to include Stella.

The sound of a car on the street had him hustling back to the kitchen to pull the salad from the fridge that he'd tossed earlier. Jensen half expected to hear the front door open and close before he could get the food from the kitchen to the dining room. When that didn't happen he listened for a car door. Setting the salad on the table he went to the window and took a peek out. The driveway was empty. He felt the first twinge of anxiety. Jared should be home by now. Another glance at his watch assured Jensen that Jared wasn't too late. Actually, it could work to his favor. He looked down at his clothes and decided he could use some spiffing up as well.

After changing into a pair of black jeans that weren't nearly as comfortable as the ones he'd slipped out of, Jensen pulled a soft pewter dress shirt from his closet. It was one of his favorites and one that Jared had picked out for him. Pausing at his dresser he applied a small dab of cologne to the base of his throat. He didn't wear it all that often because one, Jared was never around to appreciate it anymore and two, it made Stella sneeze.

He heard another car and took the stairs quickly to the first floor to meet Jared at the door - and was disappointed yet again when he was met by a darkened empty driveway. Ignoring the niggling concern that tried to creep in, Jensen made his way back to the dining room and lit the candles. Jared would be home soon. He'd promised.

\*/

Jared held his breath until the door closed behind McMillan and the lawyer was safely out of eyesight. He expelled it slowly and met Genevieve's gaze with a shocked expression. "Holy shit, did that just happen?"

"You bet your sweet little ass it did," she said, laughing at him with a definite thread of I told you so. "You were amazing."

Still more than a little shell-shocked, Jared was unable to respond with anything other than, "He took the deal."

"He took the deal," Genevieve confirmed as if she'd known all along what the outcome would be.

Actually, McMillon had amended Jared's original offer more to his liking and had agreed to it in a way that had it sounding more like his idea than Jared's, but in the end all of that was secondary. The entire meeting felt like a test that he'd passed with flying colors - a verbal volley of wit and precedence in which he'd held his own against one of the best. The look in McMillon's eye as he shook Jared's hand on his way out held both respect and the expectation of great things to come for the young attorney. It was exhilarating and made all the hard work, long hours and sacrifice well worth the effort it had taken to get to this moment. And there was only one person in the entire world he wanted to share it with.

"I'd say this calls for a little celebration," Genevieve said as she set two tumblers and a bottle of scotch on the table

"Ah," Jared's refusal must have been evident. He looked down at his watch and winced. He'd promised to be home two hours ago.

"Just one," Genevieve said, sensing his reluctance. "Come on," she needled sweetly. "You're already late right?"

He really did owe her. Genevieve had been the one to drop this case in his lap and she'd been nothing but supportive throughout the entire process. Jared nodded in agreement, "Just one."

The amber liquid left a pleasant trail of warmth down this throat and into his stomach. He tossed the drink back in two shots, catching Genevieve's dark gaze over the rim of the glass as he finished. It was an unguarded moment that he hadn't expected and likely wasn't supposed to see - full of speculation and unexplored potential that looked a whole lot more like personal than professional interest.

He coughed, surprised. "I really need to go."

"Of course," she said and the moment was gone, leaving him to wonder if he'd only imagined it. "Give Jensen my best."

"Jared," Sandy interrupted sounding quietly restrained. "Mr. Morgan’s in his office. He'd like to see you."

His eyes automatically flew to Genevieve but he could tell that she was just as surprised by the request as he. They'd had no idea the partner was still in the office.

"Any idea what this is about Sandy?" Genevieve asked sounding much calmer than Jared felt.

"Well..." Sandy smiled coyly in Jared's direction. "McMillon did stop by Jeff's office on the way out. I may have over heard some of their conversation..."

Jared was on the edge of his seat and hanging on her every word when Sandy finally laughed and took pity on him.

"He was really impressed with you, Jared. Let's just say he made sure Jeff knew that," she said.

Could this night get any better? Jared felt like he was on cloud nine. He couldn't wait to share all of this with Jensen.

\*/

Jensen watched the wax drip down what remained of the candle and pool at the base of the silver holder before it dribbled onto the dark green tablecloth and began to harden. The lasagna had long since cooled. The salad sat untouched in small bowls next to their place settings. The alternating hues of hurt and anger that were his companion in lieu of the guest of honor had slowly given way to an overwhelming sense of loss. It wasn't all together accurate or even rational, but it didn't change the fact that Jensen felt as if he were slowly losing his best friend. To something he couldn't defend against.

He wasn't a jealous person. He knew Jared loved him. The idea of someone else coming between them, man or woman, was almost laughable. But he'd never considered this. Jared's passion for law and the career he was building was one of the things Jensen loved most about him and had always supported whole heartedly. He just never imagined that it would be something he'd have to compete with.

God, he just... he missed the Jared he fell in love with. Not the man who was irritated with him for being neurotic, not the man who smiled with a growing, almost disturbing detachment when Jensen gave one of his detailed accounts of Stella the adorable, and most certainly not the man who had apparently forgotten their anniversary. That was not the man he fell in love with. And it most certainly was not the man with which he'd been hoping to spend the evening.

Not this night.

Stella shifted in her sleep, the baby monitor picking up every nuance of movement and magnifying it in the silence of the house. He looked around the empty room only now realizing how long he'd been sitting there. The three to five year plan that he'd agreed to seemed more like a prison sentence at this point. Only six months in and Jensen felt Jared's loss so keenly on some days that it really hadn't been much of a stretch for him to emotionally invest himself in the one day they'd always marked as a celebration of their love for one other. Not once in the twelve years they'd been together had Jared ever forgotten their anniversary. And Jensen had to believe that he’d forgotten - because the alternative, that Jared may have deemed something else more important, was just too painful.
Jensen stood, suddenly certain of only one thing.

He couldn’t be there when Jared got home.

He took his cell phone out of his pocket and flipped it open. The flashing digital padlock mocked him. Jensen made his way to the studio landline as he tucked the useless cell back in his jeans. It wasn't until the muffled, tired voice on the other end of the line picked up that Jensen realized how late it was.

"Shit..." He immediately regretted his decision to call. "Misha, damn...I...sorry."

"Jensen?" Misha sounded a little more awake.

"Yeah," He'd already woken the guy up so Jensen figured he may as well ask him, "Can you do me a favor?"

There was contemplative silence on the other end of the line. He'd been so distracted throughout the day that Misha and Danneel had both playfully teased him about his plans for Jared that evening. Misha had actually taken Jensen’s final class of the day so Jensen could get Stella off to bed a little early before Jared got home.

"Jensen, is everything all right?" Misha asked carefully.

He hated how transparent he was at times. Could hear the tremor in his voice and was too upset to mask it. "No."

Despite the acknowledgment it wasn't an open invitation for discussion.

"What do you need?" Misha could hear it in his voice and thankfully didn't push.

"Cover tomorrow's schedule please."

"You got it." Misha said, supportive even if this was the only way he could do so.

"Thanks," Jensen loved his friends nearly as much as he loved Jared. "You remember where I keep the key?"

"Yeah. Don't worry," Misha's voice full of subtle concern. "I've got it covered; just...do what you need to do, Jen."

"Tomorrow's Friday, don't forget..."

"Sunrise class. I'll be there. Let me know if there's anything else I can do."

Acknowledging out loud to someone else that everything was not okay was like a punch to the stomach, made it so much more real. Jensen hung up the phone and scrubbed a hand over his face to ward off the tears. He blew out the candles in the dining room and took the stairs to his room with a growing sense of urgency. In the back of his mind Jensen remembered the missed call earlier when Stella locked his phone. Instinctively, he knew now that it had been Jared. And at that very moment - it didn't matter. Any excuse, no matter how valid, would change nothing.

Jensen pulled a duffle from beneath the bed and quickly stuffed it with a change of clothes before grabbing his toothbrush and electric razor from the bathroom. Anything else he needed would be available at his destination. He took a little more care with Stella's diaper bag, making sure to pack extra formula, diapers and some of her favorite things. When he was sure he had everything he took their bags out to the garage, snagging his keys along the way. Depositing the bags in the front passenger seat he slid behind the wheel and started the car, turning the heat on before heading back inside. There was a nip to the late September air and he didn't want to pull Stella from a warm bed just to toss her into a cold car. He felt guilty enough as it was for waking her up in the first place.

Turns out he needn't have worried. She barely stirred as Jensen tucked her into a hooded fleece jumper and strapped her into the car seat, snuggled up nice and tight with her ladybug blankie. Turning lights off as he went, Jensen carried her out to the car and snapped the seat into the base already secured in the backseat. Sliding into the driver’s seat again Jensen lost a little steam, leaning forward with his head on the steering wheel. Leaving wasn't fair, he knew that. And it wasn’t that he didn't care. He did. He just needed time to regroup, get his head back in the game.

Jensen glanced in the rearview mirror at Lulu. She was sound asleep, her peaceful little face in stark contrast to the turbulence he was feeling. Despite the urgency to be long gone before Jared got home, he took a moment to calm himself for the long drive ahead. Just as he was about to hit the remote to open the garage door behind him, another thought occurred to him. Checking on Stella once again - he quickly made his way back into the house for one final item.

The cooled lasagna sat forgotten on the dining room table. He almost snagged it and ran, but thought better of it. Instead he sliced a large Jared sized serving and placed it on one of the empty place settings. Covering the remainder with aluminum foil he went back out to the car, placing the heavy pan on the passenger side floor. He hit the remote on his keychain to open the garage door and backed out onto the street.

At that very moment, a smiling Jared was making his way from Jeffrey Dean Morgan's office to the parking garage.

\*/

The congested city traffic had kept his mind occupied, but once Jared eased his way onto the turnpike and set the cruise control, his thoughts wandered back to the meeting with McMillan. He replayed the meeting from beginning to end, analyzing every word, wishing he'd have said this instead of that, but overall satisfied with the impression he'd made. Once or twice his mind flashed to the brief glimpse of something he'd seen in Genevieve's gaze, but the more he thought about it the more he wondered if he'd just imagined it. As his mentor, Genevieve had been nothing but professional in the six months they'd worked together. He'd learned a lot from her and had begun to think of her as a friend. And she knew, she had to know, that Jensen and Stella were his world. He'd been lucky enough to find his soulmate, and while he'd never gushed about his relationship to Genevieve, he'd also never hidden the fact that Jensen owned his heart lock, stock and barrel.

His mind strayed back to business, where it belonged. It felt as if every sacrifice he'd made thus far had been worth it and he could not wait to get home and share the events of his day with Jensen. Wide awake and exhilarated at the thought that he really could have it all, he couldn't help but hope for a more vigorous replay of the morning's activities when Jensen had woken him with needy kisses, giving himself so willingly.

It was just before midnight when Jared pulled into the driveway. The house was dark, save for the light in the kitchen that Jensen always left on for him. A delicious aroma filled his senses as soon as he walked in the door and drew him to that light in the kitchen. He was a little surprised by the site that greeted him. The kitchen was spotless as usual, right down to the floor, except for the various pans and cookware stacked neatly next to the sink. He could count on one hand the times that such an anomaly had occurred and wondered if Jensen was coming down with something.

He'd eaten earlier so was just going to head up to wake Jensen when he caught a glimpse of the elaborate setting on the dining room table. He turned the light on, brows raised at the candles and flowers and the emerald tablecloth Jensen used for special occasions. Faint alarm bells went off in the back of his mind at the ginormous serving of lasagna left for him. Not the healthy version that Jensen himself preferred, but the kind dripping with gooey melted cheese and brimming with spicy Italian sausage. The kind that took all day to make and started with Jensen's homemade sauce. Jared's mouth actually watered until his eyes slid to the card leaning casually against the base of the flowers and the elegant script in Jensen's distinctly neat handwriting.

Happy Anniversary.

Jared blinked, mind stuttering to an abrupt halt. He searched his memory for the date. It flashed easily to his mind in the form of his daily planner, the one he'd referred to several times throughout the day and somehow failed to register the importance of.

No.

His mind conjured the image of a freshly fucked Jensen smiling at him from their bed as he quickly donned his suit, worried about being late. Remembered the promise made, so freely given, that he'd be home early and they'd spend some much needed time together. Only now in hindsight realized he'd dashed from the house without so much as a kiss or an 'I love you' though it was always implied.

No.

He remembered the box hidden in the back of his sock drawer, the rings he'd purchased months ago with this very day in mind. Something icy and cold trembled deep within him, stealing his breath away and filling him with sudden dread. It scared him.

Please, no. Tell me I didn't...

Only he knew that he had.

In the same instant he understood how very much he needed to see Jensen, Jared realized how unnaturally quiet the house was. He took the stairs two at a time with his heart in his throat because this, this wasn't supposed to happen to them. Thoughts of having it all suddenly seemed so inconsequential. Jensen was the cornerstone in which all his dreams were based, without him, nothing else mattered.

In the back of his mind Jared told himself he was overreacting, that he would find Jensen asleep, kiss him awake, and apologize until he was blue in the face. This fear that gripped him would seem foolish and he'd laugh with the relief of a lessoned learned, vowing never let it happen again. That hope was dashed as he crossed the threshold to his room and found it empty, a pair of black jeans and a dress shirt tossed haphazardly on the end of the bed, a hint of Jensen's cologne still lingering in the air.

Jared ran to Stella's room, knowing it was pointless. If Jensen had gone, then of course she was gone too. Still, he couldn't help but flip the light on in her room and stare at the empty crib. The sense of loss he felt was staggering. The two people he loved most in the world had left him.

This was fixable, Jared knew that. It wasn't the end of anything. They loved each other too much for that, but it didn't change the fact that he was scared and that Jensen felt lost to him at that very moment.

He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and hit Jensen's number on speed dial. It went straight to voicemail. He tried two more times.

"Come on, baby, pick up, please..."

Jared made his way back downstairs, paced back and forth in the kitchen as he contemplated his next move. He really didn't want to make this next call, but it was inevitable. While they had several local friends including Misha, Danneel and even Chad, Jared knew Jensen well enough to know that he would go straight to Chris for something like this. He called the beach house.

"Hmmm'ello?" Steve sleepily answered. Thank God for small favors.

"Steve, I need to talk to Jensen. I know its late, can you put him on please?"

"Jared?" Steve asked muzzily, then, "what?"

Jared heard the familiar rumble of Chris's voice in the background.

"I need to talk to him tonight, Steve. Please, just put him on." Jared practically begged.

The urgency in his voice seemed to wake Steve up. "He's not here, Jared."

The phone quickly changed hands.

"Jared?" Chris sounded worried. "What's going on?"

"Have you talked to Jensen?" Jared asked.

"What do you mean have I talked to Jensen?" Chris asked dangerously. "He's supposed to be with you. You're supposed to be having mind blowing sex about right now."

Jared closed his eyes. "I got home late. He and Stella were gone when I got here," he admitted.

Silence.

"So, when you say you got home late that would be..?" Chris asked.

"About ten minutes ago," Jared said quietly.

Chris cursed. "Do you have any fucking idea how much he was looking forward to tonight?"

"Look, tear me a new one all you want, Chris. Tomorrow. Right now I need to find Jensen. Please." He was desperate and on the verge of tears - more angry with himself than Chris could ever be.

"I talked to him around eight," Chris offered grudgingly. "He was expecting you then. He would have given you at least another two hours before taking off, maybe more. It's a three hour drive. He's probably on his way."

"He's not answering his phone," Jared said, agreeing with Chris's assessment.

"He can't," Chris sighed, "Stel locked it."

Jared gave a humorless laugh. He could so see it. Still, he felt a little better having some idea as to where Jensen was.

"Can you call me when he gets there please?" Jared asked. "I just need to know they're safe."

"Yeah," Chris softened marginally. "I can do that. Jared..."

"I know," Jared interrupted. "I fucked up."

\*/

A little over an hour into his drive Jensen looked at his phone as it vibrated in the console. He didn't have to see the number on the ID to know who it was. He glanced at the clock. It was after midnight. Four hours after Jared had promised to be home. He felt vaguely guilty about not answering, despite the fact that he didn't want to talk to him at the moment. He knew Jared would be worried and that wasn't fair. It hadn't occurred to him until he was on the road that he hadn't called Chris either. With the phone locked there was nothing to do about it until he got to the beach house.

He let his mind wander back to how it all started. They'd had such an idealized version of how things were going to be. Five years didn't sound like a long time in theory. They were solid, could handle anything so long as they had each other.

When Jared was first hired by Kripke & Morgan his excitement was contagious. Jensen had fed off it as well and for a time that alone was enough to keep the long days without him in perspective -just the knowledge that Jared was doing something that he loved, that he'd worked so hard to accomplish was enough for both of them.

Every day Jared would email Jensen his itinerary so that no matter what time of day it was Jensen knew where he was and what he was doing. They'd text each other throughout the day and Jared always texted him before he left the office so Jensen would know when to expect him home. Jensen and Stella would make weekly trips into the city and make an afternoon out of it. They'd meet Jared for lunch, walk him back to his office and then spend a couple of hours shopping. In the evenings, no matter how late Jared got home, they'd spend time filling each other in on their respective days, falling asleep in each other’s arms - sometimes sated, sometimes not, but always together.

The changes were subtle looking back. Every once in awhile Jared would forget to email his itinerary. Gradually the forgetting got to be such a regular occurrence that Jensen stopped checking. The frequent texts throughout the day trickled down to one or two a week and could sometimes be as impersonal as asking Jared to pick up a gallon of milk on his way home. Trips to the city grew less frequent - reasons for not going including anything from Stella's changing nap schedule to an increase in enrollment for Jensen’s afternoon classes. Weekly trips turned biweekly and then monthly before stopping all together. And when Jared started coming home later than usual more often than not, Jensen stopped waiting up for him.

It hadn't happened over night and it was on both of them for letting it happen at all, but what scared Jensen the most is that they'd reached this point in only six months. What would become of them in a year's time? Or two?

Jensen looked at Stella in the rearview. Five years. Had they even considered all the milestones Jared would miss? She was growing so fast and there were so many precious moments lost to him already. Jensen kept a keepsake book that recorded the first time Stella rolled over, sat up by herself, held a cup and so many other things - but what made it such a treasure for him is that he was there to witness each milestone as it occurred. He had the memories to go with each and every statistic.

Lulu's first laugh was something Jensen would remember until the day he died. He'd been doing paperwork in his studio and Lulu was getting some tummy time on the floor, kicking her feet and just doing her thing while Jensen did his. He'd gotten frustrated with something he was working on and crinkled the paper into a ball and threw it on the floor. The little laugh he'd heard startled him. Stella had smiled and squealed before, had even given a half-hearted giggle, but this was a full on belly laugh. Jensen crumpled up another piece of paper and tossed it on the floor. He got the same delightful result. He'd gone through half a dozen pieces of paper before he'd thought to capture the moment on his camera phone for Jared.

Jensen had ended up on the floor with her, surrounded by crumpled paper, smiling and laughing with his beautiful girl. Even now he found himself smiling at the memory. It was bittersweet though and almost immediately he felt the sting of tears.

No.

He looked at himself in the review mirror and said it out loud. "No." He willed back the tears, blinking rapidly to stave them off. He would not start crying now.

Jensen never imagined, with the love they shared between them, that they could ever end up here. Grown apart. Distant. Part of him recognized that he was being over dramatic, that this wasn't the end of their relationship by any means. But it was late. He was hurt and tired...and on a darkened highway in the middle of the night all he could feel was grief for what once was.

\*/

Jared had wrapped his monster piece of lasagna and tucked it away in the fridge and was currently finishing up the last of the dishes that Jensen had left soaking. Anything to keep busy, keep his mind occupied as he waited for the call from Chris to let him know that Jensen and Stella had made it there safely. It crossed his mind to set out after them but the slight chance that they may have gone somewhere else was enough to keep him stationary until he knew for sure.

He wiped up the water around the sink and turned, leaning back. The house just didn't have the same feel to it without Jensen and Stella to bring it to life for him. It was dark and empty, lacking the heart that made it a home. Jared slid to the floor with his knees bent; back scraping the child proof safety lock that prevented Stella from accessing the cleaning products beneath the sink. It barely registered.

The floor was spotless. He huffed a wet laugh around the lump in his throat. The floor was always clean. For Stella. Jared couldn't help but remember his irritation with Jensen a couple of weeks ago. He'd wanted to go to bed and curl around his lover and Jensen had insisted on doing a quick cleaning so it would be ready for their little crawler in the morning. It wasn't until he was already in bed that he'd realized how curt he'd been with Jensen. Jared remembered wrapping his arms around him in apology, but couldn't recall actually saying the words.

He remembered running out of the house that morning without saying 'I love you.' He remembered how relieved he was when Jensen's voicemail picked up this afternoon when he'd called to say he'd be late. He remembered thinking today how strained things had become between them and how he really needed to take the time to address it.

The complacency of it all absolutely horrified him.

This wasn't supposed to happen, not to them. This was their happily ever after. They were supposed to have it all.

Numb, he sat there on the floor, trying to pinpoint where it all went wrong. It didn't take very long. While it hadn't happened over-night and both he and Jensen had played their parts in allowing things to get so out of hand, there was no denying the fact that all their problems came back to the moment Jared accepted the position with Kripke and Morgan.

Staring at the floor, the very spot where Jensen had tossed Stella and blown raspberries on her belly hours before, Jared flipped open his phone. He'd lost track of time, but he knew it was late. He didn't care. Still gazing at the floor he pressed number three on his speed dial.

"Jared?" Genevieve's voice was pleasantly surprised and held no hint of sleep as she greeted him. "Can't sleep either, huh?"

"Yeah," he'd never called her after hours before. "Something like that."

\*/

Jensen wasn't surprised to see the beach house lit up when he arrived. Chris had been his safe haven for as long as he could remember. He'd known Jared would call here when he couldn't be reached. He was a little relieved. There would be no need for explanations. Not that Chris would ever ask him for one.

He hooked Stella's diaper bag over his shoulder and unhooked the car seat harness. Huge brown eyes opened, looking at him with sleepy confusion. Jensen pushed back his guilt and lifted her into his arms. He needed to be here right now.

"S'okay, baby," he assured with his hand to her back as she looked around. She was familiar with the beach house but not so much in the middle of the night. Stella rubbed her eyes and curled into the warmth of his neck. Jensen left his bag and the lasagna for a second trip. The door opened as he took the steps to the porch, Chris meeting him outside.

"Oh, thank God," Chris said, running a hand through his hair, "get your ass in here."

Jensen attempted a smile, his friend's bluster soothing a ragged little corner of his pain. He smelled coffee as he entered the house and Steve appeared in t-shirt and sleep pants.

"C'mere, princess," Chris took the wide-eyed infant from Jensen's arms. He held her over his head with a soft pump of his arms and imbued his best Marlon Brando in a carefully quiet, yet no less passionate rendering of, "STELLA!"

When she just looked at him all three adults hovered in a moment of suspended silence, awaiting her reaction. It was a bit of a tradition between them but this whole middle of the night thing had the poor kid guarded, like she knew something was off kilter and didn't quite know how to react. Still, Chris was familiar and adored so while the reaction may have been delayed Stella eventually smiled and kicked one of her little feet at him.

"There's my girl," Chris praised. "You've got a beautiful set of pipes on you, princess but Uncle Chris just isn't in the mood for that right now."

"You got everything?" Steve asked.

"No," Jensen responded, turning back to the door, "gotta grab my bag..."

"I've got it," Steve interrupted with a hand to his bicep, already edging by him, "Be right back."

Steve shared a look with Chris over Jensen's shoulder and flashed him his cell phone. Chris gave a slight nod of his head before guiding their guest into the living room.

Jensen paused as he saw the pack n'play already set up for Stella to sleep in. It made his eyes water again. This was why he came to Chris. His friend had known that sleep would be the last thing on his mind and that he'd want Stella close to him. Chris asked no questions, made no demands and never tried to fix what wasn't his to tinker with. He was just there, the strong and silent presence that Jensen needed.

"Go get some coffee, dude," Chris pointed with his chin to the open kitchen, "I'll take care of the little princess."

Jensen didn't drink much coffee. He'd given it up years ago when he'd realized that his coffee to sugar ratio had edged closer to 50/50 than he was comfortable with. Yet in times of stress or emotional upset, the sweet dark-roasted nectar called to him in ways that few things did.

Hands wrapped around a steaming mug in the warmth of a kitchen as familiar to him as his own, Jensen felt a small measure of comfort. The turmoil was still there, but he felt more equipped to deal with it. Chris had already removed Stella's fleece jumper and was in the process of changing her diaper, talking a steady but quiet stream to her as he put too much powder on her bottom and then buttoned her back into her terry pj's. Jensen watched as he placed her in the playpen with her ladybug blanket and turned the stereo on low. Lulu loved classical music and Chris had put a special mix together months ago, just for her.

Chris joined him in the kitchen, sitting next to him at the island while Stella watched them through the mesh with tired eyes. She would not be long for the world of the waking. Jensen smiled at her, tried to be reassuring, thankful that she was too young to fully understand exactly what was happening.

"He's calling Jay isn't he?" Jensen noticed that Steve had been gone longer than was necessary.

Truthful, Chris nodded. "You want to talk to him?"

Jensen thought about it. He was glad that Jared knew where they were and that they were safe, but he wasn't ready. He shook his head.

Chris nodded again and poured himself a cup of coffee.

\*/

Jared had afforded himself a small comfort and moved from the kitchen floor to the living room sofa when his ass had gone numb. Still fully dressed in his suit with phone in hand, he sat in the dark. Waiting. He couldn't help going through his day over and over again and comparing it to Jensen's.

While he drove to work Jensen had likely been starting the sauce for his lasagna and feeding Stella. While he'd been sipping a coffee and going over his itinerary with Genevieve, Jensen had been instructing his first class of the morning. While Jared spent a good portion of his day in court, Jensen had alternated between sautéing an assortment of Jared's favorite meats, prepping fresh pasta, vegetables and cheese and juggling his daily schedule.

It was highly probable that Danneel and Misha were in and out of the equation and equally helpful and exasperating to Jensen throughout the course of the day. Jared smiled wistfully. He missed the organized chaos that sometimes resulted when Jensen on a mission clashed with Jensen's schedule as a personal trainer.

Having the exercise studio attached to the house was both a blessing and a curse as it was all too easy to mix business with personal throughout the day. Admittedly, working from home was something Jared found difficult to do. It was too distracting. Jensen on the other hand, made it look easy. He had a knack of transitioning back and forth between the two with an ease that Jared appreciated and often envied, especially since Stella had come along.

God, while he'd been eating take out and spending two of the most enjoyable hours of his short career going toe to toe with one of the best attorney's he'd ever had the pleasure to meet, Jensen had been pulling a day's worth of planning together and anticipating his arrival. Waiting for him. Believing right up until that last second and beyond that Jared would be home on time - just as he'd promised.

Promised.

He'd fucking promised.

The words had slipped out of his mouth, smooth as honey, and with the best of intentions.

The phone in his hand chirped loudly in the stillness of the house. A picture of Steve appeared on the small screen.

"Steve, hey, are they...?"

"They're here," Steve confirmed, "safe and sound."

Jared breathed a sigh of relief at the knowledge. "Can I talk to him?"

He hung his head when Steve hesitated. "He's inside with Chris getting Stella settled. I didn't tell him I was calling."

"Okay," It wasn't what he wanted to hear, but he'd kind of expected it. "I'm on my way."

"Jay," Steve responded, "It's after two. It's late. Jen's wiped and so are you by the sound of it."

"Steve, I can't..."

"I'm not telling you not to come," Steve assured. "Just wait until morning please. Get a couple of hours of sleep, man. He'll be here."

Jared was silent for a long moment. As much as he didn't want to wait until morning, he didn't want to give Chris and Steve another reason to worry.

He slumped back against the sofa in defeat. "Can you tell him..." Jared paused forlornly. He didn't want those words to come from anyone but him and he wanted to be able to look Jensen in the eye when he said them. "Never mind. I'll tell him myself." Then with determination added, "I'll be there first thing in the morning."

"Get some rest," Steve ordered gently, knowing that it would be easier said than done. "We'll see you when you get here."

Jared didn't have the motivation to move, unable to stomach the thought of going upstairs and climbing into an empty bed.

Fuck.

How could they have let this happen?

On autopilot, he made the trek upstairs anyway and stood in the doorway of their slightly disheveled room. Jared knew Chris was right. Jensen would have given him a lot of leeway, waiting two hours or more for him to come home. Given him every opportunity to keep his promise. It likely wasn't until that last moment when all other emotions had given way to hurt that Jensen had finally decided to leave.

Jared sat on the end of the bed and fingered the soft material of Jensen's dress shirt. Once Jensen had made up his mind to leave, his haste in doing so before Jared actually got home was evident. The clothes left in disarray at the end of the bed as much an anomoly as the dishes left soaking next to the sink. Drawers were partially open and items that usually sat neatly upon the bureau were strewn about or had fallen to the floor. Jared looked around the empty room. They had a beautiful oak bedroom set. It was the first real furniture they'd bought for the house. For two years after they'd graduated and before he could start law school, they'd worked together to get Jensen's business off the ground and build the studio addition so he could work from home. They'd practically lived in this room while they furnished the rest of the house. Hours spent dreaming and planning, living on cold pizza and warm beer, wrapped in each other's arms as they mapped out their future. They'd been so young, so happy and so ridiculously in love.

Jared shook his head, still more than a little shell-shocked that they'd ended up here. On the floor between his feet the strap of his duffel peeked, just barely, from beneath the bed. He was all too willing to take it as a sign.

"Screw this," Jared said decisively, tugging it free.

He was at his dresser and stuffing two to three changes of clothes into the bag before he could change his mind. There was no way he was going to be able to sleep. He needed to do something to fix this and to do that he needed to get to Jensen. If he left now he could make it to the beach house by dawn. He was halfway down the stairs before he remembered the rings in the back of his drawer. Racing back up he snatched the small, dark box from its hiding place and slipped it into the side pocket of his suit jacket. Jared stopped again at the bottom of the stairs, hand hovering over the handle to the front door. He ran through a quick mental checklist. He knew Jensen would have made arrangements for his classes and that Danneel and Misha both knew where he kept the spare key. He would also have made sure to grab everything that Stella would want or need. Jared shut off the remaining lights in the house and locked the door behind him.

\*/

Jensen was on his second oversized cup of coffee. He drank it slowly, savoring the smooth, clean taste of exceptionally good French Roast. The only down side to taking his time was that the brew cooled to a near tepid temperature before he made it half way through the mug. It lost its appeal at that point. Coffee was meant to be enjoyed at a certain temperature. Preferably piping hot. With steam. Steam was good.

Chris took the cup out of his hands as he fiddled with the handle and put it in the microwave. Forty seconds later he placed it back where it was and took shotgun at the island once again. They hadn't spoken in close to an hour, but there was no need to. No need to fill the silence, no need to explain, and no need to listen to unsolicited advice. No need to pretend or worry about somebody else's feelings. He just needed to think and to feel what he was feeling without judgment or recrimination. Chris gave him that.

Friends since their mothers placed them in a playpen together before they could even walk; Chris was more like a brother than a friend. They knew each other as well as they knew themselves. Despite having very different and often conflicting personalities, they were closer to each other than their own respective siblings. While Jensen was an introvert and tended to withdraw into himself in times of personal crisis, Chris was the personification of an extrovert. He vented, often explosively and tended to throw or hit things if he was extremely upset. Jensen was the only one who could or would get near him in those moments, save for Steve. Such unconditional support had been a saving grace for both of them on more than one occasion over the years.

Jared, for all that Jensen loved him, had never really understood Jensen's need to process things internally before he could put his thoughts and feelings to words. It could literally take him days, or even weeks to work something out in his mind before he was ready to talk about it. Chris intrinsically understood this.

Jensen let his thoughts wander, drawn to memories of happier times. As much as he knew that this wasn't an end, or the end, for them he couldn't help but think back to when it all began. When their love was new and the future a vast sea of exciting possibilities that lay beyond high school graduation. Jensen recalled vividly the day he met Jared Padalecki. Chris had actually been the one to introduce them. He'd missed most of the school day due to a doctor's appointment. He'd broken his arm a few weeks before and was having the cast removed that day. Jensen had been excited because there was a game that night and he'd missed the start of the season due to his injury. He'd met Jared after the game amidst the celebration of a win. Even in all the chaos of congratulatory teammates, fans and family there had been this electrifying moment of connection when they'd first made eye contact.

Jensen smiled as he remembered a young, fresh-faced Jared with his floppy hair curled at the ends and those wonderfully charming and devastating dimples. Chris caught it and glanced at him sideways with a small smile of his own as if he knew exactly where Jensen's thoughts were.

\*/

Jared was half way into the three hour drive when he pulled over at an all-night convenience store for coffee. At this point he'd been awake for nearly twenty-four hours straight and was decidedly less than alert. The brisk, fresh air and some strong brew was enough to rejuvenate him for the last leg of his drive. He turned off the heater and rolled the passenger window down enough to keep the interior of the vehicle almost uncomfortably cool. He'd made this drive so many times over the years and the route was so familiar, Jared realized he hadn’t registered most of it, he'd been so focused on his thoughts of Jensen.

Half way through his junior year of high school his dad had gotten a promotion but it came with a transfer to a different division and required them to move to out of state. Jeff was already in college so it hadn't really affected him at all. Jared wasn't happy about it, but understood that his dad was doing what he had to do in order to provide for his family. Meghan had had the hardest time with the transition, trying to be understanding, but very vocally upset that she had to leave behind a group of friends that she'd known since pre-school.

The school had assigned Jared a mentor for his first week of classes, someone to show him around and basically give him the lay of the land, so he wouldn't have to stumble around blindly. He chuckled despite himself. It was the first time he'd met Christian Kane. Chris had made it clear from the get go that he was just filling in for his boy Jen and that the mentor thing was not his gig so don’t get too attached. Jared really didn't think that was going to be a problem. Chris was nice enough, but not necessarily someone he could see himself hanging out with on a regular basis. He was popular though. Knew everyone and everyone seemed to know both him and Jen. By the end of the day Jared had heard so much about the elusive Jen that he'd decided to stick around for the home field lacrosse game and put a face to the name.

When he'd sat between Chris and Tom on the bleachers he'd had no idea that he was in the midst of Jen's very own cheering section. Those two boys put the cheerleaders on the sidelines to shame in their enthusiasm. He'd even gotten to meet Jen's parents and younger sister before meeting the boy himself. It was easy to get caught up in the excitement of the game and soon Jared found himself cheering for number thirty-four right along beside them. When half a dozen players went down in a tangle with Jen in the middle of them, he was on his feet with the rest of the section.

"Not the arm, please not the arm," Jared heard Jen's mother whisper-pray to herself as they waited for everyone to sort themselves out. Someone from the opposing team offered him a hand up and Jen gave a nod and a reassuring wave in their general direction before heading back into the game.

"Oh, thank God," his mother continued. "I couldn't take another six weeks of that boy on the bench."

"Amen," Chris and Tom chimed in at the same time.

It was another hour before the young man made his way in their direction, slowly wading through the crowd of congratulatory fans and rowdy teammates to jump on Chris's back with a celebratory hoot and fist pump. Jared stood back out of the way as they tussled and allowed Jen to come down from his win. It wasn't until the player removed his helmet and swung his gaze to the giant stranger in the middle of the group that Jared got his first good look at the man who would soon lay claim to his heart. Hair darkened and spiked with sweat, the thrill of victory sparkling in his eyes, Jen took the hand Jared offered as Chris introduced them.

"Jared Padalecki, Jensen Ackles," he said.

The moment their eyes truly met there was such a tangible connection that neither of them spoke. It seemed to stretch endlessly, chaos fading momentarily to the background as they stood there, hands held in each other's grip, caught within each other's gaze. Jared still remembered the tilt of Jensen's head as he looked up at him, the widening of his eyes, the soft way his lips curled around a smile. He'd been vaguely aware of his own answering grin and the way his thumb stroked over the back of Jensen's hand. It was the awkward clearing of Tom's throat that had brought them abruptly back to reality.

Jared hadn't realized until it was over that they hadn't been the only ones to notice the spark. Mackenzie smiled openly, gawking at them. Jensen's mother was the epitome of discreet, but knowing. Chris' eyes had narrowed and he looked decidedly less friendly. But it was the concerned and suddenly possessive expression on Tom's face that caught Jared's attention. His eyes drifted to the hand wrapped around Jensen's hip.

Didn’t it just figure.

How fair was it to everyone else that that the two prettiest people in school had hooked up?

It all seemed so long ago, that one charged moment that changed his life forever. It wasn't quite the beginning for them because Jared wasn't that guy, the kind that moved in on someone else's boyfriend. It was, however, the beginning of the end for Jensen and Tom. Because Jensen was the most straightforward person he knew and when he realized three months into their friendship that he was in love with Jared, he couldn't be anything other than honest with Tom.

They were barely seventeen. They'd been together ever since.

Jared scrubbed a hand over his face and rolled the window down the rest of the way. He shook his head in disbelief, still not quite believing that he was in the third hour of a pre-dawn trip across the state because he'd forgotten their anniversary. How they, of all people, ended up here was almost beyond him.

Almost.

The clarity of hindsight afforded him a bird’s eye view of the last few months. If only he'd noticed the signs a little earlier. It had taken the fear he'd felt when he'd realized he'd forgotten and the loss he'd felt when he'd realized Jensen was gone to make him sit up and take notice in a big way, slamming the brakes on everything else - driving away the complacency that had infected him like some fast moving poison.

Nothing else mattered without Jensen.

Nothing.

Jared was more than just a little ashamed that he'd needed the reminder in the first place, but now that he had it, he was damn well going to make it count.

\*/

There was a sense of relief and home as the beach house came into view. They'd spent so much time here over the years that it was as much of a comfort to him as their own home. More so for Jensen who'd grown up spending his summers here with Chris and his grandmother. The sky was darkened steel with a soft edge of pewter as Jared stepped from the vehicle, cool ocean breeze lifting his tie and easily penetrating the lightweight material of his suit. The sound of the surf was rhythmic and powerful, welcoming in a way that reminded him how long it had been since his last visit.

He grabbed his bag from the backseat, pausing on the porch to find the right key. It was quiet when he entered, but he could see a soft glow of light from the kitchen. He found Stella asleep on her tummy in the living room, Steve sound asleep on the couch next to her with one foot on the floor and one hand on the padded rail of her pack n' play. Jared dropped his bag next to the crib and leaned over, large splayed hand gently spanning Stella's back. She would sometimes sleep so quietly that when they first brought her home, he and Jensen both often snuck into her room to make sure she was still breathing. It was a habit he hadn't quite broken. She didn't stir at all. Jared tucked the ladybug blanket around her and covered the little foot that had kicked free. He looked up to find Christian watching him from the kitchen.

"Hey," Jared said quietly as he entered. Jensen was nowhere to be seen.

Chris didn't look all that surprised to see him. He deliberately eyed Jared's formal attire, but there was no evidence of last night's hostility in his voice. "Hey."

Jared's guilt was evident as he gestured at the two coffee mugs on the island. "Hitting the hard stuff, huh?"

Chris gave an indelicate snort.

"Decaf," he informed. They shared a small, cautious smile.

Jensen on caffeine was akin to a chipmunk with ADHD. Adorable, but utterly exhausting.

"Where is he?" Jared asked.

Chris radiated concern more than the anger Jared had been subjected to previously. While it looked like Chris had a whole laundry list of things he wanted to say about the situation, he remained silent, pointing instead with his chin towards the sliding glass doors that led to the beach. There was no mistaking the look that followed Jared outside.

You fix our boy.

The wind was raw off the water, sea rough and white-capped as he made his way down the stretch of sand in the early gray of morning. Jensen hadn't gone far. He stood with his back to Jared, gaze drawn to the distant place where ocean met sky and the first colors of dawn streaked slowly through the horizon. He was barefoot, dressed in faded denim frayed at the edges and soft oatmeal thermal that hugged his biceps and the curve of his hip.

Eighty percent of Jensen's attire consisted of the latest workout fashions. If he wasn't doing a personal training session he was instructing a class in anything from yoga to kickboxing. He had a rainbow collection of stylish, breathable material that he looked great in. Of course, he cleaned up real nice too. Jensen looked amazing on his arm in any type of formal wear and Jared always enjoyed showing him off at the few work related events they'd attended together. But he loved Jensen like this. Casual. Comfortable. Oblivious to his beauty.

Were it not for the tight set and inward curl of Jensen's shoulders, Jared could have pretended this was any other morning at the beach house. Thoughts of wrapping Jensen in his arms from behind and kissing the nape of his neck were quickly sidelined as the man in question shifted. Only a few feet separated them when out of coincidence, or some sixth sense at his approach, Jensen turned to head back. He drew up short, blinking at Jared in shocked surprise.

Before Jensen could fully comprehend that he was truly there, Jared dropped to his knees with no care for the $700 suit he was wearing. The sorrow he felt at forgetting their anniversary was written all over his face and came from the depths of his soul.

"I'm sorry."

He'd never meant two words more in his entire life.

Jensen's chin trembled. Barely noticeable, but Jared knew to look for it. Long lashes swept low but not quick enough to hide the pain he'd caused. Jensen took the final step that would bring them together and joined Jared on his knees in the sand.

Face to face with the hurt he'd caused, Jared's voice faltered quietly.

"I..." he said with infinite sincerity, "I'm so sorry, Jen."

Jensen bowed his head slightly in acknowledgment and carefully reached for Jared's hand's, lacing their fingers together.

"I know you are," he said softly.

It didn't erase the pain, but it seemed to ease a little something in both of them.

"I shouldn't have left." Jensen shook his head, a glimmer of guilt flickering in tired green eyes.

Jared gently squeezed both hands, interrupting Jensen before he could tack on an apology.

"Don't be. You did what you needed to do," he reassured. "It's okay."

Jensen didn't look entirely convinced.

"What about work?" he asked. It was obvious that Jensen hadn't expected Jared to drop everything and come to him. Further confirmation that he'd made the right decision.

"I took the day off." There was a lot more to say on that subject, but now wasn't the time.

Jensen dropped his eyes with a small sigh.

"Hey," Fingers beneath his chin, Jared tilted Jensen's face to meet his gaze, “Don’t worry about it okay? Everything's going to be fine."

He was going to make sure of it. Smoothing a hand to the back of Jensen's neck he applied a small amount of pressure, wanting nothing more than to pull the man into his arms, but letting Jensen make the decision.

He came willingly, tucking himself almost cautiously into Jared and wrapping his arms around him. A fragile forgiveness that Jared wasn't sure he deserved.

He pulled Jensen closer and held him tighter. Jared couldn't help but think of Jensen sitting alone at the beautiful candlelight dinner he'd prepared, waiting for him to come home. A low sound of distress escaped him as he curled protectively around the man in his arms.

Jared's voice was an anguished whisper barely heard over the surf, "I'm so fucking sorry, baby."

Jensen's arms tightened around him but he remained silent, his nose cold where it pressed into the side of Jared's neck. They stayed that way for a long time, just holding each other and offering reassurance that the cold lonely night apart had come to an end.

It was the chill that finally got to Jared. The wind was different here on the coast, biting and raw. He wasn't used to it the way Jensen was. He was reluctant to interrupt the peaceful solace he knew the waves provided, but he was beginning to feel the cold seep into his bones. Jensen broke away from him as he shifted, tired eyes crinkling at the corners. Jared ran his thumbs over the faint lines, cradling his face.

"Did you sleep at all?" he asked.

Jensen shook his head.

"Me either."

They shared a brief kiss. An overly gentle melding of lips that lingered in the shared breath between them as they parted, Jared resting his forehead atop Jensen's.

"You're shivering," Jensen pointed out.

There was no denying it. The wind had cut straight through him. He gladly pressed another kiss to Jensen's plush, if chilled mouth as the man angled upward. Jared caught him by the shoulders before he could pull away and lead them back inside.

"I love you," he whispered against Jensen's lips. I'm so very sorry for hurting you.

Jensen silenced him with yet another kiss.

"Let's go back inside," he said. "You're freezing."

"Curl up with me for a couple of hours?" Jared asked. "Let me hold you. We'll sort everything out when we've both had some sleep."

Jensen nodded. They walked hand in hand back to the beach house after swiping Jared's suit free of sand.

He smelled bacon as they entered the sliding glass door and the blessed warmth of the house wrapped around him. Chris eyed them critically, settling on Jensen to gauge his state of emotion. Steve was blurry eyed at the island with a steaming cup of coffee (the real stuff) in front of him. Jared tilted his head towards the back stairs with a lift of his brows to telegraph his intentions. A subtle nod from their host and he started up the stairs, still holding Jensen's hand. He was brought up short when Jensen didn't follow his lead, feet still firmly planted on the kitchen floor. He turned to find the man's attention completely focused on Stella as she began to stir.

Jared felt a twinge of guilt. He'd become so accustomed to being her secondary caregiver that it hadn't even occurred to him that despite the fact he hadn't gotten much sleep last night that she would soon be awake and ready to start her day. One or both of them would have to stay up with her.

Chris deliberately kept his voice low but made a shooing motion towards Jensen and the stairs. "Go before she sees you."

Stella was Dada's girl. If she saw him it would be all over. She wouldn't let him out of her sight for long. Jared could tell Jensen was conflicted. They needed some time alone but Lulu was their responsibility.

"Dude," Chris interceded, “If she even looks like she's wondering where you are, I'll come get you. Trust me."

Chris liked to pretend he wasn't as wrapped around her little finger as the rest of them were.

"Don't worry," Steve reassured with a tired glint in his eye. "I'll keep an eye on both of them.

Chris's mock glare was short-lived as he was forced to return his attention to the sizzling pan on the stove.

Jared waited patiently, sharing a grateful look with Steve as Jensen took a step in his direction before pausing again.

"There's oatmeal in her bag," Jensen shared. "She likes it with a little bit of applesauce and cinnamon."

Chris picked up the bag in question and set it on the island.

"Oatmeal. Applesauce. Got it."

Jensen looked in Stella's direction one last time before allowing Jared to lead him upstairs.

Their room was still shadowed in gray and not quite as warm as the lower level. Jared had just remembered this bag was still downstairs when he noticed it on the floor next to the bed. Chris or Steve must have brought it up for him.

"I'm gonna get outta this suit," Jared said, already shrugging out of his coat and hanging it on the open door to the ensuite bathroom. He heard the weight of the box in the side pocket thud against the wood, reminding him of the rings he'd brought with him.

Jensen retrieved a hanger from the closet and took each article of clothing as Jared removed it, a careful silence between them as if neither knew quite where to start. Jared pulled on a pair of sweats and a long sleeved Henley as Jensen added the coat to the hanger and hung it on the hook inside the bathroom door as a reminder that it would need to be cleaned.

"Give me just a sec, okay?"

Jensen nodded as Jared disappeared into the bathroom to relieve himself of the 3 am coffee. He eyed his suit as he washed his hands, reaching for the box in the pocket once his hands were dry. The rings were beautiful. He'd gone with simple but elegant matching bands in titanium. He removed them from the royal blue velvet, holding Jensen's band so he could read the inscription inside.

All my love, yours forever.

He would never lose sight of that or take it for granted again. He slipped both rings into his pocket and opened the door to find Jensen gazing out at the sea, shoulder pressed to the jamb of the window. The first fresh rays of sunshine were just beginning to penetrate the gloom of the room bathing his profile in soft early morning light. Unguarded for a split second Jensen looked wounded and vulnerable. It made Jared's heart ache in a way that few things did to know that he was responsible for that hurt. He sat on the bed and held his hand out, wanting nothing more than to hold the man.

"C'mere, baby."

Jensen took his hand and let Jared pull him into his lap, straddling his legs. Jared had to fight the urge to apologize again as he looked into bruised, beautiful eyes.

"I'm going to make this up to you, I promise," he said.

Jensen held his gaze in acknowledgment and then brought up the topic Jared had been hoping to avoid for a bit longer.

"I'm sorry you had to miss work," he said guiltily.

"Don't," Jared responded firmly and then softened his voice, "do not feel bad about that."

Jensen was silent for a moment before asking, "How did Gen take it?"

Jared's thoughts flashed back to that moment in the conference room and that spark of undeniable interest in her gaze and then to the phone conversation they'd had late last night. He had to tell Jensen the truth.

"I didn't take the day off," he said.

Jensen pulled back with a confused frown, looking down at him. Jared took a breath before continuing.

"I quit."

For a long moment Jensen just blinked at him. Jared was ready for it, holding him by his hips when he tried to pull away.

"What?" Jensen's shock was soon replaced with distress. "Why? Why would you do that?" he asked, hands on Jared's shoulders, holding himself away when he couldn't squirm free.

While it had been a bit of an impulsive decision, Jared was at peace with it. He assured Jensen with certainty, "It was the right thing to do."

"No," Jensen insisted. "You can't do that. We decided together. You can't just quit without discussing it with me."

"Fair enough," Jared conceded calmly in genuine apology, “but it’s a done deal."

"No," Jensen was tense in his lap, pushing away from him. "No, you just need to call Gen. Tell her...tell her..."

"Jensen," Jared interrupted firmly, gently, "it's done."

Jared didn't bother to elaborate on the details of the conversation. The way Genevieve had all but begged him to just take the weekend and think it through, told him that she wouldn't say anything to Jeff until Monday. The disappointment he'd heard in her voice as he declined the offer and thanked her for everything she'd done for him. He really had learned a lot from her and he was pretty sure the McMillan case had landed in his lap because of her. He was genuinely grateful; though no longer certain her motivations had been pure. In the end, none of it mattered.

Jensen was legitimately distraught and it was reflected in his voice. "You love that job."

Jared easily read the guilt that this was Jensen’s fault for leaving and his concern that someday Jared would resent him for it.

He grasped Jensen's chin and leaned closer, forcing him to meet his gaze.

"I love you more," Jared kept his voice firm, his touch soft.

Stunned to silence by his adamant declaration, Jensen's gaze was wide-eyed and watery as Jared continued.

"I miss you, baby," this time Jared felt the tremble that worked its way through Jensen's chin. "I miss us. I miss Stel."

The frustration he felt that it had taken this for him to realize what he was missing bled into his voice.

"I don't want to hear about your day or get pictures on my phone every time our little girl does something cute," he said. "I want to be there with you."

He'd barely gotten the words out when his arms were full of firm muscle and cotton, Jensen's hitched breath in his ear.

Jared's hand went to the back of Jensen's head at the faint sound of a sniffle, the other wrapping around the small of his back.

"It felt like I was losing you," Jensen whispered low and shaky. "I didn't know what to do."

Jared remembered with renewed clarity how he felt when he saw the anniversary card on the table, the fear he'd felt in that moment when he realized that Jensen and Stella were gone.

"You did exactly the right thing," Jared soothed. "It's okay. Everything's gonna be okay."

He was heartsick for the pain he'd caused, but so very thankful his eyes had been opened. He stroked his thumb over the soft growth of hair at Jensen's nape, allowing the exhausted man in his arms the time and comfort he needed. Jared tilted his head, resting it against Jensen's. So far as he knew he'd only been directly responsible for bringing Jensen to tears on one other occasion. It wasn't an experience he'd ever thought to repeat.

Jensen swiped at his eyes before pulling back and cupping Jared's face, “Are you sure about this?" It's probably not too late to change your mind hung in the air unsaid.

"I'm sure," his smile was gentle. "Besides, it's the courtroom that I love. I can practice anywhere."

Jensen's gaze was searching and hopeful.

"Thought maybe I'd give Singer and Ferris a call. They made me a pretty decent offer before the deal with Kripke came through."

Jensen perked up at that, as Jared hoped he would. The small firm was local and Jensen knew Sam Ferris well as she attended his kickboxing class two nights per week.

"You could come home for lunch," Jensen's excitement was cautious as he thought through the implications. "You'd be home for dinner and bath time."

"We could sleep in a little later in the mornings," Jared pointed out, "or we could, you know...not sleep."

He was sweetly salacious as his large hands roamed over Jensen's denim clad backside, pulling him in snug and playful, aware that the hurt was still a little too close to the surface for anything more.

Jensen's grin was tired but genuine. "Sounds good."

"It sounds really good," Jared agreed. "But for now..." He leaned back on the bed, taking Jensen with him, "sleep is definitely on the menu."

"Lulu..." Jensen started.

"Is in good hands," Jared interrupted. "She's fine, Jen. Just a couple of hours, baby."

The fact that Jensen didn't argue any further was proof enough of his exhaustion. They were sprawled horizontally across the bed, which meant they had to get up and pull back the covers to climb in nice and proper. Oh, but once they did... pure heaven. So warm and cozy comfortable that all they could do was gaze at each other with small blissful smiles. Jared was tempted to pull Jensen into his arms, but Jensen had deliberately turned to face him, putting a little space between them. He took hold of the closest hand under the covers and laced their fingers again. They gazed at each other quietly, neither willing to break the peaceful silence. Jensen's eyes roamed slowly over his features as if drinking in every aspect of Jared’s appearance. The warmth of the comforter and the long night caught up with him almost immediately and his gaze grew heavy.

They used to do this a lot. Spend hours talking and dreaming about the future, only to fall asleep gazing at each other, never quite sure who had given in first. Jared wanted to reach over and smooth away the fine line between ginger brows. Jensen's freckles stood in stark contrast against pale skin, as familiar to Jared as any constellation in the night sky. He automatically mapped out his favorites and saw the corner of Jensen's mouth twitch as if he knew exactly what he was doing.

Jensen blinked long and slow, voice whisper soft as he said, "I love you."

Jared closed his eyes and swallowed. He knew Jensen loved him, he did, but to hear it now when he'd caused so much hurt...it soothed away the rough edge of worry that he'd somehow caused irreparable damage.

He saw muted concern in moss green depths as he opened his eyes. In response he lifted their joined hands to his mouth and kissed Jensen's knuckles. I love you.

Jensen's eyes slipped lower, fighting the weight of heavy lids.

Jared gave into temptation and caressed the spot between Jensen’s brows with his thumb.

"Sleep," he crooned.

Jensen stubbornly held his gaze as Jared traced his way down the ridge of Jensen's nose and over that cute little spot that wrinkled in laughter whenever Jared did something particularly silly or Stella did something outrageously adorable. He thumbed the outer edge of the full, sinful mouth, bottom lip silky smooth and pliant beneath his touch. His first fist fight had been directly related to a drunken comment by some unfortunate stranger about various uses for Jensen's lush, pouty mouth. He'd been forced, more than once since then, to repeat that particular lesson in respect.

Long, curled lashes settled uneasily against the tender flesh beneath each eye, fluttering in their attempt to stave off much needed rest. Jared countered by slowly stroking a fingertip over the arch of each brow, gently soothing away the last remnants of resistance as Jensen reluctantly gave in and slipped into the peaceful oblivion of sleep. It wasn't until then that Jared felt he could give in and do the same. Kissing Jensen on the nose, he moved closer, carefully wrapping himself around Jensen’s slumbering form. Jensen took a deep breath and nestled into him.

As Jared drifted, he felt ultra-light puffs of air on his collarbone and absently noted that normally he'd just be getting into his car and heading to the city for work at about this time.

He'd much rather be here.

Warm, comfortable and forgiven, Jared let himself slip towards the precipice of sleep with one last lingering thought.

"I love you, baby."

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Jared woke reluctantly and immediately tried to burrow back into his deep, dreamless landscape. At some point Jensen had turned in his sleep and was spooned inside the curve of his body. The blankets formed a cocoon of comfort around them and he was loathe to move more than the lids of his eyes as he blinked against the soft wash of sunlight that flooded the room. He heard a muted sound of discontent below and recognized the telltale sign of a cranky baby denied her morning nap. Jared checked his watch and was surprised to find he'd slept just over four hours.

He immediately felt guilty, knowing that Chris and Steve hadn't gotten much sleep last night either. Another wail from Stella had him curling closer to Jensen as if he could block out the sound. Jensen hadn't yet stirred but it was only a matter of time. He had a sixth sense where their child was concerned, always seeming to know when the little muffin needed or wanted him. Easing himself from the bed, swaddling the blankets back in his place, Jared padded over to the window and shut the blinds. He drew the sash from the thick drapes and pulled them tightly together as they fell loose. It didn't keep all of the light out, but it shaded the room considerably.

He paused momentarily to admire Jensen's sleeping form before a particularly unhappy and pitiful cry had him moving quickly down the stairs with plans of easing Stella's distress. Steve was walking the room with her, very patiently trying to soothe her. Chris was out on the couch, mouth open and completely dead to the world. Stella's cry changed when she saw him, flooding with relief and a touch of heartbreak that it had taken him so long to appear. She held her arms out to him, already angling away from Steve as he approached.

"There's my sweet girl," he took her from Steve's all too willing arms and brought her to his shoulder, hand bracing her back as she quieted. "What's all that noise about, huh?"

She rested against him with quick little breaths, heartbeat fluttering against his palm. Jared's grateful gaze met Steve's in apology.

"She just wanted her daddy," Steve smiled his easy going smile, in no way offended by Stella's over-tired theatrics.

Jared made his way to her diaper bag and started rooting around in the pockets. She took an interest and lifted her head from his shoulder, peeking down into the bag. Jensen was trying to wean her, but he still kept one handy in case of...ah, ha! He held the binkie up in triumph, but not for long. Stella snatched it out of his hand and had it in her mouth with all the desperation of an addict too long denied her last hit. Jared blinked at her in shock and couldn't help but wonder if he'd made the wisest decision. One look at the blotchy tear-stained face told him that it was a battle to be waged at another time. He wasn't getting that binkie back without a fight.

"Ready for a nap, sweet-pea?" Jared asked as he kissed the crown of her head.

"You better believe it," Steve replied with a yawn.

Jared laughed as he turned back towards the stairs. "I guess we all are."

Steve was already making his way to Chris, rousing him for bed.

"Oh, hey," Jared was reminded of the rings in his pocket upstairs. "Can I ask you something?"

By the time he made it back up the stairs, Stella was drowsy and quiet. She perked when she saw Jensen, one arm stretching toward him, little fist opening and closing as if to say gimme, gimme. Jared knew the feeling. He placed her between Jensen and the wall, adjusting the blankets so that she wasn't swallowed beneath them. Jensen shifted slightly but didn't wake as Jared wrapped himself around him again.

Stella made a small noise in the back of her throat, binkie moving with each little suction of her mouth. While she was obviously tired, she still had a little fire left in her and Jared figured he had a 50/50 shot of getting her to settle.

"Sssshhhhhhhhh," Jared whispered as she fidgeted restlessly.

Rubbing her eyes, some of the fight seemed to go out of her. They gazed at each other over Jensen's shoulder and as she watched him Jared couldn't help but wonder what was running through that active little mind. He suddenly realized how precious each moment was at this young age and just how much he'd missed out on by working 10-12 hour days.

"Daddy's missed you."

His smile was sad, but genuine, tempered with determination to make up for lost time.

Oblivious to both his epiphany and his plans, Stella continued to suck contentedly on her binkie. Eventually her eyes grew heavy and she turned her head away from him. She was asleep in minutes, Jared following her shortly thereafter.

When he surfaced an hour or so later he could tell by Jensen's breathing that he was already awake.

"Hey," he whispered quietly. He pressed a sleepy kiss to the back of Jensen’s neck, tightening the arm wrapped around Jensen's waist. "How long have you been awake?"

"Not long," he said. Stella had burrowed up against him and was cuddled against his chest. "Just enjoying my two favorite people."

Neither of them were inclined to move. They so very rarely had mornings these days where they lazed in bed just enjoying each other’s warmth and company. They listened to the muted sound of the waves for a long time, content to hold and be held. Jared was pleased to note that the tension and melancholy from earlier had faded, Jensen completely at ease and relaxed in his arms. They still had a lot to talk about, but what mattered most had been settled.

"What time is it?" Jensen asked eventually.

Jared looked at his watch. "Almost noon."

He could feel Jensen's smile. "We still have the whole day ahead of us," he said.

"Mmmmmm," Jared wrapped himself around Jensen a little more snugly, "and what do you propose we do with the day."

"We could go for a run on the beach," Jensen suggested.

He left Jared hanging just long enough for him to be slightly horrified before letting out a soft chuckle.

Jensen turned slightly, Jared scooting back a little to allow the man to go from his side to his back, Jensen's arm going protectively around Stella's small form on his other side and keeping her close.

"I'm kidding," he said affectionately.

Jared wasn't adverse to exercise and he loved working out with Jensen, but he was warm and comfy and still a bit sleepy. It was the last thing on his mind.

"Good," his hand slipped beneath Jensen's shirt, spanning the warm skin of his stomach. "I really don't want to move just yet."

After a long moment of comfortable silence Jensen said, "I've missed this."

"Me too," Jared said before kissing Jensen's temple and resting their heads together.

Before long Stella began to stir. At first she burrowed into the crook of Jensen's arm, just as comfy, cozy as they were. They watched her wake slowly and then shed the last of her sleepiness in an instant as she caught their gaze.

She smiled immediately and sat up, hair a wild mess at the back.

"Ah-dah?" she plucked the binkie out of her mouth and spoke in an almost whisper, looking back and forth between them.

It was obvious Stella didn't quite know what to think. Waking up from a nap with both her daddies was just unheard of. Being allowed in bed with them at all was a very rare and special treat.

"Hey, pumpkin," Jared cooed as Jensen smoothed the back of her hair. "Can daddy have a kiss?"

A pro at blowing kisses, Stella was quick on the draw, covering her mouth with an open hand and sending it in his general direction with an ungraceful flourish.

"What kind of kiss is that?" Jared said affronted. Leaning over Jensen's chest he presented the apple of his cheek and pointed. "Here. Give daddy a big kiss, right here."

"Just remember," Jensen warned quietly. "You asked for it."

Jared looked down, meeting Jensen's gaze and wondering what he meant by that when Stella's open mouth landed on the side of his face.

"Awwwha!" she said as she pulled away, leaving a patch of wet saliva on his cheek.

"Uh..." Jared really wanted to wipe away the drool but wasn't sure if it was going to offend Stella or not. Jensen's lips twitched and there was a sparkle in his eye that warmed him down to his toes. "Thank you...I think."

Jensen saved him by lifting Stella over his head and blowing a raspberry on her belly. Jared quickly wiped the side of his face as she squealed and squirmed in delight.

For close to twenty minutes she was content to cuddle and play with them, Jensen scooting over and placing Stella between them. She alternated between cuddling and fidgeting until they threw a blanket over her and started a serious game of peek-a-boo.

Stella's laugh conveyed her complete and utter glee. In one aspect the joyous sound was a balm to Jared's soul as was the adoration in Jensen's eyes as he gazed at them both. On the other hand, it was a reminder of all the time he'd missed over the last few months and how he'd taken it for granted without even being fully aware he'd done so. The love he felt for his family was suddenly and overwhelming close to the surface, an immovable lump taking up residence in his throat. While it wasn't entirely accurate, Jared felt as if he'd come so close to losing it all.

"Hey," Jensen's eyes were soft with concern and full of understanding, intuitively picking up on Jared’s flare of emotions. You're here now.

Jared smiled through it, a little tremulously, as he watched them play. It would be okay. It would be. He would make sure of it. Jensen kept Stella occupied, giving Jared the time he needed to just breathe and come back to the moment.

Eventually Stella tired of the limited space on the bed and tried to crawl over Jared to lower herself to the floor. Double checking to make sure the bedroom door was closed, blocking her access to the stairs; Jared set her on her feet and turned back to Jensen for a kiss.

Jensen obliged him, distracted, as he kept an eye on Stella.

"Ah, Jay," Jensen said with an understated foreboding, "the bathroom door is open."

Jared actually looked at him blankly for all of two seconds before the memory of his cell phone submerged in a thankfully clean toilet bowl surfaced. He was out of the bed and moving before Stella crossed the threshold to the tiled floor. She had no contraband this time, but wasn't averse to splashing around in the potty like it was her own personal bird bath if given the opportunity. Her frustrated squawk at being thwarted quickly turned to glee as Jared scooped her up and held her high, angling her little body like an airplane as he flew her around the room. On his way by the bathroom door he gave it a subtle push with his foot and heard it close behind him as he brought her in for a landing, dropping her on the bed in front of Jensen.

With their little muffin on the move their lazy bubble of intimacy had come to an end, it was time to get up and face the day. The house was quiet as they stole down the stairs. Stella was more than ready for lunch, pointing to her highchair in the corner of the kitchen as they entered. As Jensen warmed a jar of her favorite chicken noodle, Jared pressed him into the counter, hands cradling his hips and gently claimed his mouth.

"I'm gonna make a bagel and coffee run," he said against Jensen's lips, not wanting to deplete whatever supplies Chris and Steve had on hand. "Want anything?"

Tilting his head subtly for another kiss, Jensen was warm and pliant against him. "I'm good."

Pausing for a kiss to the top of Stella's head, Jared snagged his keys and left the warmth of the beach house for the crisp ocean air. With the sun up it wasn't quite as raw as it had been early that morning. He sipped his coffee on the way back with the window partway down feeling refreshed and invigorated...more alive than he'd felt in a long time now that his priorities were firmly in order.

Awake and sitting shoulder to shoulder at the island in the kitchen when he returned, both Chris and Steve perked up at the abundance of goodies Jared brought. He set a box of both bagels and donuts on the table and opened them for easy access. Chris immediately snatched a Boston Cream while Steve took his time to peruse the bagel offerings. Jensen was sipping a disgustingly green smoothie and Jared eyed the remnants of the ingredients warily as Jensen disposed of them and wiped the counter down. Stella was content, holding her little spoon as she attempted to feed herself.

The kitchen was warm and bright with sunshine and the people he loved most in the world were right here with him. It was a quiet moment of domestic bliss that settled deep into his heart. He watched, casual and curious, as Jensen eyed the contents of the boxes. It was hit or miss if Jensen actually indulged his sweet tooth but Jared always included his favorite jelly-crèmes, just in case.

Jensen plucked a powdered pastry from the box and tapped it on the side to dislodge any loose sugar. His back was to Jared as he took a bite, making a sound of pleasure more suited for the bedroom than the kitchen. Everyone smiled, but said nothing. If anyone deserved a donut alongside their mango spinach smoothie - it was Jensen.

Jared wasn't sure what it was about that moment, only that it seemed right and that he couldn't stand the thought of waiting even one minute longer. His hand was in his pocket curling around the rings as he went down on one knee at the edge of the kitchen. Peripherally he saw the look of shock on Chris' face and the surprised but knowing smile on Steve's. Even Stella paused, utensil forgotten, stuck silent in a suspended moment of uncertainty as she gazed at him. She wasn't used to seeing him down on her turf. Her head swiveled to Jensen and then back to him

Still facing away from him, Jensen was oblivious as he enjoyed his donut. It wasn't until he noticed Chris and Steve's expressions and the sudden stillness of the room that he turned. Frozen in place, eyes wide, he blinked at Jared with his smoothie in one hand and the donut forgotten in the other. His lips parted, but no sound emerged, a lickable smudge of powdered sugar at the corner of his mouth.

"Marry me," Jared said as Jensen's eyes fell to the rings held out to him.

Jensen remained speechless, caught totally off guard. Chris chuckled quietly after endless seconds ticked by.

"Breathe, Jen," he said.

It was enough to break through Jensen's shock. He carefully placed the remnants of his breakfast on the island and held Jared's gaze as he walked to him, kneeling before him on the floor. Jared smiled nervously. They'd been together for years and when he’d bought the rings Jensen's response was a foregone conclusion in his mind. Now though, despite the tremulous reconciliation, Jared realized with a small amount of trepidation that he wasn't so sure. That slight sliver of doubt was enough to put him on edge.

Jensen took the smaller of the two rings and looked down at it, reading the inscription.

All my love, yours forever.

Jensen’s eyes were a bright wash of color as he met Jared's gaze, blinking and silent. Jared hoped he realized that while Jared may have turned up unacceptably late for their anniversary, he hadn't really forgotten. Something like this took planning and forethought.

"Marry me," Jared said again, softer.

Wide-eyed and truly stunned, Jensen had yet to utter a word. They'd talked about the possibility of marriage before, but always in terms of someday.

"I love you," Jared said. "I've been in love with you since the first moment we met. I don't want to wait any longer."

This wasn't the romantic proposal he'd planned over an expensive candlelit dinner at Jensen's favorite restaurant with the ring baked into a decadent desert or dropped into the bottom of a wine glass. Jensen deserved that, and more, but this was real and now and so much more them.

"Marry me," Jared said again, for the third time, allowing the words to slowly sink in. "On the beach. Today."

Steve was a notary and could perform the ceremony, they both knew that. It wouldn't be legal and it wouldn't be fancy, but it would be theirs.

"We'll do it again, whenever, wherever you want. We'll invite our families, our friends, Chad..." Jared trailed off.

Jensen blinked several times, working his way through this unexpected development.

"We'll send out invitations, hire a caterer, " Jared continued, letting his mind run with the idea. "Dani and Misha can slug it out for wedding planner, we’d have to find a cute little dress for Stel, can you imagine? Oh my god my mother...your mother...they're going to..."

One of Jensen's brows had quirked, his lips curved into an affectionate smile. Jared caught himself. Some of his uncertainty at the timing and result of his proposal must have been evident.

"I'm babbling aren't I?" he said. He tended to do that when he was nervous.

Jensen's entire expression softened. "A little," he said fondly.

"I promise, we'll do it up right...but today," he said earnestly, "today will be ours.

Jensen looked at him, gaze open and loving in a way that Jared realized he hadn't seen in a long time.

"Just you and me, baby," Jared said. All you have to do is say yes.

Stella made a perfectly timed noise as she sucked a noodle from between her fingers.

"And Stel," Jared added.

"And me," Chris chimed in enthusiastically.

Steve waved from the island, "Count me in."

"Okay, so just the five of us," Jared amended, flashing his dimples.

Jensen reached for him with his free hand and Jared laced their fingers together.

"That's all I need," Jensen said, quiet and genuine.

It was true; Jared could see it in his eyes. Didn't mean he wasn't going to make damn sure Jensen got the fancy wedding he deserved, but those were plans for another day.

"So? Is that a yes?" Jared asked hopefully, ducking to catch Jensen's gaze.

Jensen's lips quirked into a smile, his eyes bright and shining. "Ask me again."

Jared laughed. Of course Jensen would make him ask four times. He would do it a hundred more if necessary.

"Jensen Ackles," Jared's voice soft but serious. "Will you marry me?"

\*/

Jared looked so ridiculously young and hopeful. He was everything Jensen wanted and more and it felt as if they’d found each other all over again. Despite that, there was a smidgeon of uncertainty, a subtle holding of breath as Jensen considered Jared’s proposal....as if there were any other answer but one.

"Yes," he said, and then realizing it was barely a whisper he spoke again. This time strong and sure. "Yes."

The goofy grin that spread across Jared's face was mirrored on his own. He could feel it as they gazed at each other. He'd felt adrift for weeks, tossed by waves of doubt and uncertainty that had taken more of a toll than he'd realized. The obvious love and devotion in Jared's eyes stripped all of that away, anchoring him in a way that nothing else could. The swell of emotion took him by surprise, weeks of tension and sudden relief colliding in a barely there hitch of breath.

He saw joy turn swiftly to concern on Jared's face. He hadn't even registered the warm quick spill of tears until Jared cupped his face, thumb swiping through the moisture.

"Hey," gentle and low, brows drawn together.

Jensen turned into Jared's hand as he registered movement behind him and the subtle flicker of Jared's glance in that direction as Chris and Steve discreetly exited. Stella was still busy with her lunch, alternately eyeing them but remaining quiet.

He brought his hand up to cover Jared's, blinking back more tears.

"It's okay," he said, feeling silly and embarrassed between one second and the next. "I'm okay."

Jared watched him dubiously for a long moment before understanding flooded his features.

It felt like I was losing you...I didn't know what to do.

While Jared had seemed oblivious to the declining state of their relationship over the last few months, Jensen had been helplessly, painfully aware.

"It's not okay," he said, closing his eyes for a brief moment and then opening them with resolve. "But it will be, I promise.”

It would be. Jensen knew that. He'd just had to get this out of his system so they could move on.

"I love you." Jared's hand had moved to the back of his neck and gave it a light squeeze.

Jensen smiled in acknowledgment and lifted his head. "We're really doing this?"

"Yep. You're stuck with me," Jared said, playful and loving, eyes twinkling at Jensen’s small laugh in return.

Jensen wasn't sure how long they knelt there gazing at each other before Stella finally interrupted, bringing them abruptly back to reality.

"Yuice?" she asked, banging her sippy-cup on the tray like a gavel. "Wuwu, yuice?"

Chuckling they both got to their feet.

"Demanding little wench aren't you?" Jared crouched down in front of her as Jensen took her cup.

Pleased to have his sudden and undivided attention, Stella babbled happily at him as Jensen got her refill. Jared nodded and made all the appropriate noises, as if he had any idea what she was talking about.

Jensen handed off the cup and watched as she took a sip, stopped almost immediately and looked at it in disappointment.

"Yuice?"

"Water," he amended, careful as always to limit her sugar.

Stella gave a sigh that was bigger than she was but thirst won out and she continued to drink. When she was done Jensen cleaned her sticky face and hands while Jared ran the tray of her highchair under the faucet and washed it with hot soapy water. She'd barely touched down on the floor where Jared placed her and she was crawling towards the living room where Jensen could hear the TV playing.

"I guess I should give this back to you for now," he held up his hand, removing the ring he'd slipped onto his pinky for safekeeping.

Jared took it, looking at the slightly smaller band in the palm of his hand.

"For now," he agreed.

Jensen heard a familiar discussion playing out in the living room as Steve and Chris each made a pitch for their favorite Stella friendly movie. He'd turned to join them when Jared's hand wrapped around his arm just above his elbow. He looked up questioningly but Jared just tugged him into his arms. He went willingly, leaning against the broad chest, face turned into the curve of Jared's neck.

It was comfortable and perfect and exactly where he wanted to be.

Jared's head tilted to rest on Jensen's and after a few quiet moments he said, "Promise me we'll never do this again."

Jensen pressed in closer, holding Jared tighter. There was no blame, no recrimination. Only a heart-felt plea that carried all the fear Jared must have felt when he'd realized that Jensen and Stella were gone. The same fear that Jensen had kept at bay for weeks until it had surged with the realization that Jared had forgotten their anniversary.

"Let’s not," he said, voice muffled. "Like ever."

They stayed like that, pressed together, Jensen's breath warm on Jared's neck until Chris yelled from the other room.

"Movie time!" he said. "Get your asses in here."

They both sighed at his choice of words even as they heard Steve scold him for it. It was only a matter of time before Stella picked up on some of Chris's colorful vocabulary.

They watched How To Train Your Dragon because Chris liked it nearly as much as Stella. A full length movie was a little too long to hold her attention the whole way through so at some point Jensen joined her on the floor, stretching out on his stomach next the her, knees bent and resting against the sofa. Steve snoozed, head pillowed on Chris's thigh and Jared's hand was warm on the arch of Jensen’s foot as he stacked blocks with Lulu. Jared watched him more than he watched the movie. Jensen couldn't deny the warm tingle it sent through him and he turned often to catch Jared's gaze.

It was one of those days where time seemed to move differently, stretching slow and uneventful as if to give them the time they needed to find their way back to one another. There were touches and smiles and brief moments of unspoken connection in which everything else melted away. It reminded Jensen of when their love was young and new. Unhurried and unburdened.

Despite Jared's earlier objection, they did get their run in. Five miles at the edge of the surf with a brisk breeze that revitalized Jensen the way few things did. He'd not felt so alive and in love in a very long time. They took turns showering and by the time Jensen had finished and changed into fresh denim and a moss green thermal the house was quiet and Jared stood waiting for him at the door that led to the beach. He wore a dark blue hoodie, hair still damp and slightly curled at the edges from his shower. He held out a hand as Jensen approached.

Silly as it was, there were butterflies in Jensen's stomach. From the moment they'd first met, there had been a spark of inevitability. He'd always known they would end up here. And while he knew their friends and family would want to be a part of this as well, he couldn't help but feel anything but thankful that this moment would belong to them alone. He didn't want to share it with anyone. Not yet.

Chris waited, as casual as ever, holding a bundled up Stella in her ladybug blanket with matching hat and booties. Her cheeks were flushed pink in the cool air, eyes bright and happy as she caught sight of them. For his role as notary, Steve had dressed more formally, wearing a dark blue suit, hair pulled back and tied at the base of his neck.

He gazed at them solemnly, a small smile playing at the corner of his mouth as they stood before him, hands joined.

"Ready?" he asked.

They nodded in unison. Chris and Stella remained uncharacteristically silent.

"We are gathered here today..." Steve began.

Jensen heard every word. He did. Later he'd even be able to remember the gist of it, but for now, he was lost within the details he wanted to commit to memory...the magic of a moment too long in the making. Everything was perfect, even if it wasn't, because it was theirs. The words were important but they couldn't eclipse the look of love in Jared's eyes, the lift of his hair in the breeze, the soft curve of his mouth, or the warm cradle of large hands that held him secure. He'd never known it was possible to love so deeply until this man had come into his life.

"Jared," Steve said, bringing Jensen back to the here and now. "Please repeat this vow to Jensen."

And suddenly words held new meaning as Jared spoke, voice filled with the sweet conviction of promise and a tremble of emotion that belied the strength in which they were spoken.

"I, Jared, take you Jensen to be my partner in life. I promise to walk by your side forever and to love, help and encourage you in all that you do. I will take time to talk with you, listen to you and care for you. I will share in your laughter and your tears as your partner, lover and best friend. Everything..." Jared's voice broke slightly, but his gaze remained steady and unwavering. "Everything I am and everything I have is yours now and forever."

"Jensen," Steve turned slightly to address him. "Please repeat this vow to Jared,"

Jared gave his hands a squeeze in silent support. If either of them were likely to have anxiety when it came to a ceremony or any occasion of import that required public speaking, it would be Jensen. It didn't matter how small the audience or how casual the setting, it often caused varying degrees of distress.

Such was not the case on this day. He'd never felt so calm, confident or sure of anything in his life as he said his vow.

"I, Jensen, give myself to you, Jared, on this day. I will cherish our friendship and love you today, tomorrow and forever. I will trust you and honor you. I will love you faithfully through the best and the worst, through the difficult and the easy. Whatever may come, I will be there always. As I have given you my heart, so I give to you my life."

Jared's hands gripped him tighter, a smile on his face even as he blinked back tears in suddenly watery eyes. Jensen matched his smile as he heard Steve ask for the rings. One corner lifting in fond amusement as Jared continued to gaze lovingly, oblivious to anything beyond him.

"...rings?" Steve repeated. "Jared?"

Eventually Jensen's affectionate smirk permeated and Jared tuned back in.

"What?" he asked glancing over to Steve and then back to Jensen, Steve's request finally sinking in. "Oh...ah....rings, yeah...."

With one hand Jared searched his pockets, utterly adorable in his momentary panic until he remembered to check the front pouch of his hoodie and retrieved the small box with a look of frantic relief.

It was such a Jared thing to do that Jensen couldn't help but laugh. Accentuating each syllable carefully he said, "I love you."

Looking startled but pleased by the random declaration, Jared held Jensen's gaze as he passed the rings to Steve.

"Repeat after me," Steve said as he handed them their respective bands.

They spoke in unison, one hand still joined.

"I give you this ring as a symbol of my love and devotion. I commit my heart and soul to you and I will wear it as a reminder of the vows we have spoken."

They took turns sliding their rings into place, Jensen gently working Jared's over the swell of his knuckle.

In the grand scheme of things the ceremony and the rings were merely a formal representation of the promises they'd already made to each other. It changed nothing and everything. Jensen looked down at the ring on his finger and felt the welcome weight of all it symbolized settle deep into his soul. He'd wanted this more than he'd ever allowed himself to believe.

Looking up at Jared, Jensen found himself lost in that gaze once again. Steve was still speaking and he wasn't sure this was the part where they were supposed to do this or not, but he really didn't care. They came together slowly, Jensen tilting upwards, hands going to Jared's hips as an arm slid around his waist and settled at his back, pulling him close. His eyes closed as Jared's lips touched his, mouth opening to accept the soft, careful touch of a questing tongue as fingers combed through his hair and cupped the back of his skull.

They kissed for a long time, slow and reverent, the renewed intimacy between them delicate yet so very familiar as they took the time to savor all that had inadvertently been taken for granted.

Peripherally, Jensen heard familiar voices fading, their friends giving them their privacy. Chris distracted Stella from leaving them behind with silly noises and twirls in the sand, her sweet laughter catching on the breeze as the door to the beach house closed behind them.

Eventually they broke, breath warm and mingling, lips barely parting as they continued to hold one another. The transition from afternoon to evening brought a raw edge to already cool air. Jensen felt Jared tremble even as he all but refused to shiver.

"You're mine now," Jared whispered against his mouth.

Jensen kissed him again, brief and chaste.

"I've always been yours," he said.

It was true. From the moment Jared had walked into his life, he and Tom had been on borrowed time. There'd been nobody since.

Arms wrapped tightly around each other to stave off the chill, Jared rested his forehead against Jensen's. There was silence between them, not uncomfortable, but filled with quiet contemplation as Jared held him. Finally he spoke.

"You'll never have reason to doubt me, Jen. Never again," Jared said solemnly. "I promise."

Jensen opened his mouth to accept his share of the blame, to admit that his own insecurities had played a big part in what had happened.

"Shhhhhhhh," lips pressed against his, halting the words.

\*/

Jared kissed away the apology he knew was coming, the one he didn't want or deserve.

This one was on him. He'd been the one to put in ten to twelve hour days, to put career before family and to temporarily lose track of what was most important. Never again would he allow that to happen.

Breaking their embrace, Jared laced his fingers together with Jensen's and gave a questioning tilt of his head back towards the beach house. He was managing the chill pretty well but he could feel a full blown shiver coming on.

With a knowing glance, Jensen acquiesced easily and allowed Jared to tug him along. Jared squeezed his hand as they made their way up the path, the house glowing with soft lighting as evening approached. He could see and smell the faint hint of smoke as the pellet stove warmed the inside. It enveloped him as they entered and he finally let loose a shudder as exquisitely warm air met cool skin.

A wonderful aroma drew them to the kitchen where Chris chopped veggies for a salad and Steve could be seen entertaining Stella in the living room.

"Is that what I think it is?" Jared asked as he bent low to peek in the oven.

"It is," Chris confirmed, then, "didn't think I was going to let that baby go to waste did you?"

Jared's stomach rumbled at the site of the lasagna warming and it was a measure of how much better he was feeling about things that the sight didn't cause a residual flash of guilt.

“Wanna give me a hand here?” Chris threw out casually, glancing over his shoulder at Jensen.

At Jensen’s nod they parted, arms extended, fingertips grazing before Jared slipped out of the room to join Steve and Stella. He took a spot on the floor and opened his arms as Stella crawled into his lap and claimed it as her throne, noticeably tickled by his presence in her domain. He gave her nearly all of his attention, glancing back towards the kitchen in time to see Chris bump shoulders with Jensen and say something that had the tips of his husband’s ears turning pink.

Dinner was a comfortable low key affair with good food and good company. As was often the case, Jensen’s lasagna was even better the next day. It was so laden with a variety of cheeses and spiced meats and blended with the perfect amount of homemade sauce that even Jared had to stop at one oversized piece before patting his belly in contentment and taking a sip of his beer as everyone else finished off their servings. Chris tipped the beer he was drinking in Jared’s direction, silently asking if he wanted another. He declined with a shake of his head even as Jensen and Steve both opted for a bit more wine.

“Seriously, dude,” Steve said and then paused to take a sip from his wineglass. “You outdid yourself, Jen. That was amazing.”

“Fucking right it was,” Chris chimed in with a well-timed belch.

Jensen chuckled at the sound, taking it as the compliment it was meant to be and didn’t even call Chris to task on his choice of language.

Stella was quiet and content as she held her bottle aloft, watching them all with tired eyes from her high chair as she suckled it slowly. It was nearing her bedtime and it showed. Jared may have missed his fair share of bedtimes lately but he remembered well enough that there was a certain window of opportunity in which to get their little sweetheart off to bed if things were to go peacefully and with a minimum of fuss. An overtired Stella made for a rough night for all. He noticed Jensen observing her as well and figured the man was just waiting for her to finish her bottle before making his move. It didn’t take long and while both he and Jensen rose at the same time, Jared was closer and already reaching for Stella.

“I’ve got her,” he said with a smile as he lifted her from her highchair and pulled her close, patting her back gently.

Jensen quirked an eyebrow and while Stella was more than comfortable in Jared’s arms she did glance over at Jensen in askance as if a little confused. It was yet another reminder of the separation from her daily routine that had developed due to his fifty to sixty hour work weeks. Jared felt yet another flash of sadness but didn’t dwell on it. He was here now and ready to make amends. It was about that time that Stella let loose a burp that rivaled Chris’ and Jared got a face full of warm formula breath that had him grimacing. He looked at her in surprise. It amazed him that such a large noise could come from his tiny little angel.

“That’s my girl,” Chris praised, tickled pink and laughing.

Both reactions garnered a delighted, if drowsy, giggle from Stella and had her gazing up at Jared with dark sparkling eyes and nothing but genuine pleasure at his presence. God, he loved her.
At that very moment he felt it all the way down to his toes. Jared couldn’t help but return her smile and pull her in for a gentle but heartfelt kiss to the forehead.

“Ready for your bath, Sweet Pea?” he asked her.

Stella shook her head at him, managing to gaze raptly up at him as she did so. The answer surprised Jared.

“No? I thought you liked bath time?” he asked.

She shook her head again even as Jensen chimed in.

“She does,” he said knowingly. “She’s just playing hard to get, aren’t you baby?”

Jared glanced over to find his husband gazing at them fondly. Jensen still had half a glass of wine and looked more relaxed than Jared had seen him in a long while. It suited him.

“Well we’ll just see how long that lasts won’t we?” he grinned and lifted Stella a tad higher as he turned to face the others at the table. “Say goodnight,” he encouraged her.

“Nighty-night,” said Steve.

Followed by, “Don’t let the bed bugs bite!” from Chris.

Jensen just smiled at them warmly and Jared knew that he’d be up to say his goodnight in person before Stella went down for the night.

It had been a couple of months since he’d done bath duty on his own but everything he needed was handy as they kept duplicate supplies in the upstairs bathroom and Jensen packed a mean diaper bag full of anything Stella could possibly need. It was warm enough with the pellet stove to strip Stella down. She stood naked at the tub watching it fill with water as Jared added a few drops of baby shampoo for some bubbles. He kept up a steady stream of flowing chatter, mostly explaining what he was doing as he did it, and speaking to her like he would anyone else. Jared couldn’t remember what book he’d read it in, they’d read so many when Danneel was pregnant, but that piece of advice had always stuck with him.

More than a little warm in his hoodie, Jared pulled it over his head and tossed it in the directin of his room, leaving him much more comfortable in his t-shirt. Reaching for suds Stella’s arms were too short for, she grew impatient and vocal just as Jared deemed that both temperature and depth met his satisfaction. Hoisting Stel from the floor with a tad more force than necessary she squealed in exhilaration, feet kicking as he held her aloft for a suspended moment before easing her gently into the lukewarm water. Small, chubby hands immediately reached for the bubbles and Stella brought them in close for examination. Shielding her face, Jared poured just enough water over Stel’s head to wet her hair and made quick work of lathering her up and getting her clean. His intent was to pull her out immediately and get her dry and into her pajamas but she was having so much fun slapping and splashing in the water that Jared couldn’t help chuckle at her antics. The next thing he knew, Jared was hit square in the face with a small but effective splash of bathwater.

Caught entirely off guard, Jared gasped in surprise, mouth open as he looked down at her. It didn’t appear the splash was on purpose but his response had garnered her attention and Stella was all but leaning forward with a mischievous glint in her eye as she made a more purposeful attempt and awaited his reaction.

“Oh,” Jared’s voice was low and playful. “It’s on little girl.”

Stella’s laughter came from deep in her belly as he splashed his way all around her with lots of noise and waves but careful to not let any water hit her directly in the face. The more he splashed the more she laughed and it was just so adorably infectious that soon he was laughing too. Stella was not nearly so careful with her aim, and before Jared knew it his face, hair and shoulders were damp with bathwater. Jared knew she’d had enough when her laugh grew a tad manic and she paused to rub at her eyes. Gentling his voice and slowing his movements, he distracted her with an impromptu game of peek-a-boo involving a wet washcloth atop her head and then enlisting her help in the very important matter of pulling the plug.

They tugged on the silver chain together, Jared doing most of the work because the plug had a good strong seal, but when it finally gave Stella looked at him in triumph as the water began to quickly swirl down the drain.

She watched, fascinated, arms slightly lifted as the water created a small whirlpool and the level in the tub began to recede. There weren’t very many bubbles left but the few that floated by caught her attention and she reached for them, not happy when they moved a little too fast and out of her reach.

“Ahda!” she pointed at them as they disappeared, glancing at Jared as if he should be doing something about it.

“All gone,” he shrugged apologetically. “You ready to get out?”

Stella shook her head and continued to watch the water. Jared waited until it had almost fully drained before wrapping a towel around her and lifting her from the tub. He’d no sooner done so when an obnoxiously loud sucking sound filled the small room, the last dregs of the water mixing with air to create one hell of a noise.

Jared had barely pulled her to his chest when Stel’s head whipped around and she gazed back down at the drain suspiciously. He held his breath, awaiting her reaction. It was a little loud and scary and it had startled her to tears on more than one occasion. Jared realized she was watching him closely with large soulful eyes, ready to take her cue from him. The corner of his mouth twitched upward. That subtle movement was all it took for her to match him smile for smile. They gazed at each other, grinning and soaking wet, until the sound of a digital picture being taken diverted their attention. Both glanced to the doorway where Jensen stood with his phone at the ready and snapped yet another picture of them as they turned their heads to him.

Jensen laughed and flipped his phone closed as they blinked at him. “My two favorite water babies,” he declared as he wrapped his arms around both of them and gave Lulu a kiss on the forehead before leaning in to meet Jared’s lips for a short but lingering kiss.

“You’re soaked,” he said to Jared, taking in his wet shirt and dripping hair and looked back and forth between his husband and daughter. “Who won?”

“It was a draw,” Jared declared. “To be concluded next time, right Sweet Pea?”

Jared handed over a towel wrapped Stella to Jensen so he could peel off his wet t-shirt and dry his hair. By the time he’d pulled on another t-shirt Stella was dry, covered in lotion from head to toe and diapered. Jared snagged the lightweight footie pajamas that had been laid out on the bed next to her and spent the next two minutes trying to wrestle her into them because apparently it was more fun to be naked. Thankfully it seemed to tucker her out as she was content to curl up in his lap for her bedtime story. Jared looked around the room as he opened the book, suddenly wondering where the pack n’ play had disappeared to. He’d brought it up earlier in the day.

“Chris moved it into their room for the night,” Jensen explained with well-worn exasperation. “You know…for the ‘wild honeymoon sex,’”

“Ah,” Jared said with a laugh. He could practically see the quotation marks around those last three words. “Bet he insisted too, didn’t he?”

“Yes,” Jensen agreed long-sufferingly. “Yes, he did.”

They gazed at each other with warm smiles until Jensen moved forward and cupped Lulu’s head for a kiss, inhaling the sweet scent of her before lifting his lips to Jared, no less tender as fingertips traced along his jawline and upward, tucking a wayward lock of hair behind his ear. They shared another kiss.

“I won’t be long,” Jared promised, wanting nothing more than to simply be with man he loved and share the same space.

Jensen glanced down at Lulu, comfortable and surprisingly patient, in his lap as she waited for her bedtime story.

“Take your time,” Jensen said softly.

Jared paused, realizing it had been at least a couple of weeks, since he’d last tucked her in and that he’d only done so intermittently over the last few months. Kripke and Morgan had kept him busy during the week, no doubt about that, but the weekends had remained his own. Suddenly he couldn’t fathom why it had been so long…or what could possibly have been more important.

He took Jensen’s advice and devoted himself to the moment, reading his little one her favorite bedtime story and taking his time with each and every page. Stel looked up at him expectantly when he finished.

“More?” He asked, still feeling a tad guilty. It wouldn’t have taken much for her to get another read through from him.

She actually shook her head ‘no’ and pointed vaguely into the room as if wondering where her bed was. They made a final detour to the bathroom so that Jared could brush her teeth and gums and it was a testament to how tired Stella was that she didn’t even attempt to help. She just leaned forward with her mouth open and allowed Jared to do it for her.

With all the preliminaries out of the way Jared made his way to Chris and Steve’s room and placed her in the pack n’ play. He debated on the ladybug blanket but the house was still pretty warm from the pellet stove. That would slowly change throughout the night but Jared knew that Chris, a mother hen for all his bluster, would make sure she was warm and cozy for the inevitable morning chill.

Stella looked more than ready to voice her displeasure should Jared decide to leave at that very moment but he had no such plans. He sat down on the edge of the bed and rested his arms on the edge of her playpen, gazing down at her. Noticeably relieved by his continued presence Stella was content to remain where he’d placed her, gaze slow and curious as she investigated the unfamiliar room. Jared watched her lovingly as she fought the pull of sleep, blinking at him drowsily before turning away from him and eventually drifting off. He waited a few extra minutes just to make sure she was out, leaning in to run his hand over the soft fluff of her hair before retrieving her nightlight from the room he and Jensen shared.

There was a quiet and impromptu jam session taking place in the living room when he made his way back downstairs. Jared was pleased to see that Jensen had joined in as well and was adding his own harmony as back up to Steve and Chris. As much as Jensen loved music, he didn’t get to play very often these days. More often than not his guitar stayed there at the beach house so they didn’t have to lug it back and forth. His husband’s love of music was as much a part of him as his passion for health and fitness. It burned in his blood…perhaps not as brightly as it did for Chris and Steve, but it was there. Jensen didn’t enjoy playing in front of a crowd so much, but in this quiet setting he was more than comfortable.

Jared grabbed a beer and joined them on the floor with their pillows and cushions and settled in. It had been awhile since they’d done this and even longer since Jensen joined in. He didn’t want to miss a beat of it. They played some old favorites at first before graduating to new songs still in the works, both Chris and Steve including Jensen in the process and asking for his opinion on both lyrics and music. It was relaxing and low key and just what they’d needed after the emotional tumult of the last twenty four hours. And while Jared wasn’t a part of it per se, he felt far from excluded, content to catch and meet Jensen’s affectionate gaze every so often, eyes falling to the thick titanium wedding band on Jensen’s hand and marveling at the difference one day could make.

It was just over an hour when Chris and Steve set their guitars diligently aside, signaling they were done for the evening. Jared knew something was up when Steve gripped Jensen’s shoulder in support and Chris threw a wink in Jared’s direction as they left the room. He looked back to Jensen still holding his guitar.

“So, ah,” Jensen said, a bit of shyness creeping in. “I guess you could consider this a wedding gift.”

Jared’s brows bounced in surprise. It appeared he was in for a special treat. Jensen rarely did solos and could be a tad self-conscious about them when he did, even amongst friends. Chris’ wink suddenly made more sense. He knew how much Jared loved Jensen’s voice.

“It’s a tad cliché,” Jensen explained self-consciously, managing to maintain eye contact.

Jared smiled at him encouragingly but remained silent so Jensen could say whatever it was he was trying to say.

“I love you,” Jensen stated simply causing Jared’s smile to grow. “I’ve always loved you. I know I don’t say the words as often as I should and there are times when I do that it’s just not enough. There are moments when those three little words barely scratch the surface of what you mean to me, Jay.”

Jared very much knew the feeling. The closest way to describe what Jensen meant to him was soulmate. He wasn’t sure he’d ever even said the term out loud but for him it explained why nothing and no one would ever compare to the man sitting across from him. They were tailor made for each other.

“I found this song a couple of months when I was updating my playlists. I’d never heard it before and I don’t even know what possessed me to listen to it but…” Jensen dropped his eyes and adjusted his position as he continued. “…once I started I couldn’t stop. It made me laugh…” a small touch of embarrassment at the next admission, “it made me cry… and at the time it hurt so damn bad I could barely breathe…”

Jared swallowed around a lump in his throat knowing the emotional turmoil Jensen had been feeling at the time and that he’d been completely oblivious to it. Jared did his best to let every ounce of love he felt shine through his eyes, wanting so very badly to respond but unwilling to interrupt Jensen in any way.

“I must have listened to it twenty times,” Jensen huffed a small laugh at Jared’s arched brow that questioned why he would put himself through such a thing.

“There was this distance between us at the time and no matter what I did, I couldn’t seem to fix it,” Jensen explained. “The more I listened to the words, the more I realized how much they fit.”

Jared’s look of confusion was met with a tender smile.

“When I tell you I love you,” Jensen said as he lightly plucked the strings beneath his fingertips, “this is what it means…”

This mornin’ when you kissed me
And got up out of bed
I moved into the very spot
Where you laid your head
I felt the warmth of your love move into me
And I knew you’re all I’ll ever need

Jared tucked his legs beneath him and leaned forward to give Jensen the full focus of his attention, drawn in by the soft, intimate quality of that beautiful voice.

As I lay there and I watched you
Getting ready for your day
The sunlight through the window
Put a glow upon your face
I felt your love spread out all inside of me
And I knew you’re all I’ll ever need

An adoring smile spread across Jared’s face as the words evoked a collage of images from a thousand different mornings over the years. Jensen, warm and heavy with sleep, watching as Jared rushed around to make it to class or to his internship on time and offering unsolicited advice on the color of his shirt or tie from a cozy nest of blankets.

You are all I’ll ever need
Bigger than the air I breath
You’re everything that means a thing to me
You are all I’ll ever need
That’s what you are to me

You are love and you are life

You are... all I’ll ever need

Jared swallowed, eyes shining at the love reflected in that gorgeous green gaze and the gentle cadence of simple yet heartfelt words.

Now I hear you makin’ coffee
And you call out actin’ sad
You say if I don’t get up now
That you just might get mad
But I hide my face underneath the sheet
And pretend to be asleep

Jared threw his head back and laughed because while he’d never had a problem enticing Jensen into bed…getting him out had always been an entirely different matter.

Now you’re laughin’ as you jump on me
To tell me goodbye
Your hair smells just like sunshine
There’s that somethin’ in your eye
And the lovin’ words I know you’ll say to me
You’re all I ever need

He remembered with a sudden pang how Jensen woke him up the day before with needy, desperate kisses and how oblivious he’d been to the importance of the date and the time and care he hadn’t taken to say ‘I love you’ before rushing out the door.

You are all I’ll ever need
Bigger than the air I breath
You’re everything that means a thing to me
You are all I’ll ever need
That’s what you are to me
You are love and you are life
You are... all I’ll ever need

Jared closed his eyes and immersed himself in the emotion behind the lyrics. The understated love and reverence Jensen felt for him infusing each word and soothing the deepest part of his soul.

Oh, you’re all I’ll ever need
Bigger than the air I breath
You’re everything that means a thing to me
You are all I’ll ever need
That’s what you are to me

You are love and you are life

You are... all I’ll ever need

The silence had barely made itself known as the music tapered off and Jared was crawling the short distance to Jensen, pausing only long enough to allow the beloved guitar to be safely set aside. His hands were gentle but insistent as he cradled Jensen’s face, drawing him in for a chaste kiss before resting their foreheads together.

“God, I love your voice,” Jared said roughly. “So much. Thank you.”

What he wouldn’t give to somehow be able to express his love in such a way. Jared couldn’t help but be a tad envious of Jensen’s talent, even as he knew that his lay elsewhere.

“That was amazing and perfect and I wish I had something to give you in return,” he said without thinking.

“All I want is you,” Jensen whispered. “All I’ve ever wanted is you.”

Jared’s thumb caressed the corner of Jensen’s mouth before stroking upward over the curve of bone. He pulled Jensen in for another kiss, this one deeper than before, slow and delicate in a way that they hadn’t been with each other in a long time. Leaning forward Jared applied just enough pressure to telegraph his intention, guiding Jensen to his back without breaking the kiss – both content to simply reconnect and enjoy the taste and feel of one another.

Eventually it became all too obvious that the lack of sleep from the previous night had caught up to them. The few hours of rest they’d gotten that morning had allowed them to get through the day but if they didn’t move soon it was all too likely they’d end up spending the night on the floor.

“Bed?” Jared pulled back only as far as necessary to ask.

Jensen nodded in approval but made no move to get up. Jared gave a sigh of such put upon exasperation that Jensen’s lips curled indulgently. It looked like Jared would have to be the responsible one. He reluctantly got to his feet and hauled Jensen to his as well. Before meeting at the bottom of the stairs Jared checked the doors and Jensen turned off all the lights. They went upstairs together and paused outside Chris and Steve’s room long enough to listen for any signs of Stella before moving on to their room. The silence was heavy with weariness as they each took their turn in the bathroom, Jensen pulling back the thick drapes at the windows to let the moonlight it. By unspoken agreement they stripped down to nothing and crawled into bed. They fell asleep in each other’s arms, too tired to share more than a few stolen kisses.

They woke in the deepest, darkest part of the night and made love in the pale blue light of the moon. It was slow and reverent, nothing like the passionate love that one would expect on their wedding night, but then again, they’d had years of that.

This was a reaffirming of their love, their bond and their promise to each other.

Tangled together after they were reluctant to separate, Jensen’s head tucked into Jared’s neck and Jared’s chin resting atop sleep mussed spikes. They were silent for a long time; no words needed as they held each other and listened to the ever present backdrop of the surf.

“I love it here, “Jensen eventually said.

Jared briefly squeezed him tighter, his voice gentle. “I know you do.”

The waves, the beach house…Chris; they’d always been a touchstone for Jensen, soothing him in ways it had taken Jared years to understand. He wasn’t reticent about returning to their home and the life they’d created…but here, now they had a bubble of quiet intimacy that that he was loathe to lose.

“We could stay another day,” Jared offered. It’s not like he had a job to go to on Monday after all.

Jensen kissed him soundly, pulling back just enough so that Jared could see how touched he was by the offer.

“No,” he said decisively. “I’m ready. Let’s go home.”

The End.