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They're second years. The three of them are at Nirei's place, and it's one of those warm, cosy nights Sakura treasures the most: all the energy already spent on school and patrol in the day, and the rest of it having gone into board games (yes, Jenga is still Sakura's worst enemy), eating dinner together (no, Suo never lied about his diet, and his meals are very restricted, but he now just brings his own lunchboxes to their sleepovers), and chatting about Makochi's new small businesses (yes, Nirei has already visited that new cafe at Tonpu Shopping street, and here are at least five new reasons why it's about to become the best place in town, just listen!..). The sun has just hidden behind the roofs; they've already showered and changed into their pajamas; the evening is now at its slowest, most relaxed stage.
“Does anyone want more tea?” Suo asks, putting the tray with the tea set on the coffee table.
“Na-a-ah,” Sakura says lazily from his couch pillow. He does love the tea Suo makes, but he probably doesn't want to even move anymore for today, feeling as relaxed as a domestic cat after a long walk and a good meal.
“I do, Suo-san!” Nirei says from the other half of the couch.
(At some point Sakura stretched his legs and put them on Nirei's lap. This isn't the first time it happens, and Sakura doesn't even blush that much at such things now, but he's still relieved Nirei didn't spare it a second thought, simply putting his lap desk on top of Sakura's shins and keeping on scribbling in his infamous, never-ending little notebook.)
Nirei's still writing something, even after the sunset, always sorting his chaotic observations whenever he has free time. Just when Sakura thinks it's too dark to see anything without hurting his eyes and wants to tell Nirei, Suo steps away from the table and turns on the floor lamp near Nirei's side of the couch. They exchange a quiet “Oh, thank you” and a smile. Sakura feels like smiling too. Whatever the reason is.
They haven't turned on any other lamps yet, so Suo's face looks especially soft in the muted colors of twilight. When he comes back to the coffee table and leans over it, arranging the teacups, his head is close enough for Sakura to reach. So Sakura does just that — he stretches out his hand, lightly touches the tip of Suo's earring, and watches it sway smoothly. Suo glances at him, the eye full of warm affection, and goes on to pour the tea. Sakura knows all too well how important the earrings — the gift from his master — are to their owner, and he knows that Suo can dodge anything and anyone, always alert for an unexpected movement; and yet, Sakura is allowed to play with them at any time.
Whatever the reason, as well.
(Sakura does know all the reasons, but he's still afraid to name them. It's as if they'll dissipate once he voices it; still too sweet of a miracle; a mirage that would escape if he dared to believe it.)
Suo sits down on the floor, taking a cup in his hands; his back’s leaning against the front of the sofa near Sakura’s head but not blocking his view of the room. For some time, it’s only silence — a rustling of Nirei’s pen against the paper, Suo’s breath when he blew a soft puff of air to cool down his steaming tea, a hum of an occasional car passing by Nirei’s house — and warmth radiating from Suo and Nirei. Sakura melts into the moment; he can feel his buzzing brain calm down and gradually let go of the thoughts that never leave the back of his mind during the day. They’re still buzzing there, but they’re getting quieter and quieter.
(Whether or not his kouhais, the new first years in Furin, fully trust him and others. How he can make their patrols more effective. What temiyage he should bring for Nirei’s mom next time he visits and if he should just ask Nirei for advice directly.)
(Actually, he really should ask. A couple of days ago Nirei and his mom kind of tricked Suo into bringing a kind of flour that fits his diet — under the excuse of “cooking experiments, it's the best temiyage you could bring, promise!” — and some time ago they hinted they’d like some special kind of chocolate. And today Nirei’s mom baked a small tea cake for them. Sakura will remember the look on her and Suo’s faces for quite a long time; the way she was enthusiastically listing the ingredients, explaining all the changes in the recipe she made to make it work for Suo, and how Suo just stared at the cake in return, unusually quiet. Sakura is confident Suo did figure out the Nireis’ plan beforehand. Still, for mere seconds, Suo was speechless, and Sakura can swear that his eye got wet, too. But Suo is Suo, so he quickly regained his composure and went on to engage in the conversation about baking nuances — Nirei’s mom and he did share this hobby after all — having hidden his deep gratitude under the “polite boy” demeanor.)
“Ah, Nire-kun?” Sakura blinks, returning to the present. Suo’s cup is already empty, replaced by the phone, where he has some text open on the screen. “Can we go through your mom’s cake recipe again? I'm sure you remember the exact numbers better than me.”
“Of course!” Sakura doesn't even have to look at Nirei to see the wide smile on his face. The two go on to list the ingredients and their amount — apparently Nirei himself helped to bake the tea cakes, so they don't even have to call his mom who went to visit her older sister’s family for the night — while Sakura lets his mind wander further, feeling how he's closer and closer to sleep.
His eyes catch a keychain hanging from Suo’s phone case: a small plushie of a fluffy penguin wearing a cat hoodie. Every time Sakura sees it, he instantly remembers how Suo does not use his phone when anyone else besides the two of them is around. And how Nirei went “A-a-aww!” without thinking when he saw the plushie for the first time, and even dared to add “My five-year-old-cousin has the same one! This series is adorable!”, seemingly ignoring Suo’s deadly smile that made even Sakura feel uneasy. But only Nirei is allowed to make comments like this with zero consequences, and Sakura starts to suspect that his vice-captain is fully aware of his “Nirei privilege” (not even Sakura’s own words) (Anzai said it).
Next, Sakura’s eyes drop to the floor: a pale-green shag rug. Fluffy and soft. Sakura’s blanket that Nirei gave him is very soft too, and the pillow on the couch is like this as well. Warm, welcoming, full of smiles — seems like these are core features of a Nirei household. The living room and kitchen have a lot of shelves, rugs, pictures and photographs, plants, to the point it's almost messy (Nirei’s own room is a complete nightmare though; smaller than Kiryu’s place, but filled with even more stuff; especially clothes; Sakura’s never seen someone own so many clothes), but everything about this house is endlessly cosy. Here, at Nirei’s place, everything reminds him of all the things he's learned to love about his time in Makochi.
His gaze lands on a framed photograph on a shelf on the nearest wall, placed between a glass with multi-coloured marbles and a cat figurine Nirei crafted from clay when he was a kid. It's too dark to see the details, but Sakura looked at it a bit more often than is normal, so he easily remembers smiling dark-haired younger Nirei, hugged by his cousins who are around the same age, and four adults behind the kids. One of them is Nirei’s mom, then it's Nirei’s uncle and aunt, and his aunt’s husband.
The photograph is at the most visible place. Just like in the houses of other families that Sakura lived with. Those people all were families to each other too. And it took Sakura quite a long time to get used to the fact that someone else's family — that has photographs too, visits each other on holidays and not only, and so on — doesn't mind him being around. Even more: when Nirei or his mom say “Make yourself at home!” — Sakura… sees it possible for him. Somehow. He's kind of annoyed at how much he likes them saying these words, and how much he actually wants to feel welcomed at a home, and how his heart kind of flips every time he hears it, and sees their smiles. But he just can't help it.
The longer he looks at the photograph’s dark shape with blurred lines, the louder are the memories of the past and all the other family pictures he’d seen. He shakes them away, squinching his eyes shut and pulling the blanket up. It’s okay now, neither he nor his friends need to deal with any shadows of his past. He’s causing enough problems already, with his rudeness, and snappiness, and mistrust; he can see, it all does hurt them, no matter how eager they are to reassure him it’s fine.
Today has been so good. He does not want to risk spoiling it.
“Thank you so much for today”, Sakura hears Suo say. Oh, they probably finished clarifying the recipe. Then, Suo holds a pause and continues, his voice very quiet: ““I never… expect anyone to go out of their way for me like this. So I'm really grateful for what you did for me today. Both of you. Your mother is an incredible person.”
Mother.
Sakura does not want to slip, he promises he doesn’t. He doesn’t even know, why now — they spent entire day with Nirei’s mom, after all, and Sakura didn’t think about anything unrelated.
But letting his guard down at any time, apparently, comes with a price. So the only bright memory he has of his mother attacks him; merciless, and vivid, as if it all happened yesterday.
“Sakura Haruka”, she spits his name like it’s a curse. A middle-aged woman. The other two kids in the house call her “obaa-san”, but no one told Sakura he can call her this too, so he doesn’t.
“A stupid name for a stipid child,” the woman continues, her voice accentuating every “stupid”, and Sakura is okay, he’s used to it — not until he hears what follows: “given by a stupid woman”.
That is when something breaks inside him. Not a flame; rather a dam, one that held back layers and layers of cold, packed dirt. It gives way, and the dark, ugly mass of it roars up, like the earth itself turning inside out.
“Don’t.” It’s the first time he’s heard his own voice within these walls. No one’s ever gonna accept me like this, he understands at the back of his mind. But he can’t help it.
“What?” The woman turns to look at him, surprise in her eyes, but mostly annoyance — as thick and dark as the something churning inside Sakura.
“Don’t talk about her like that”, Sakura grits out through his teeth, and he’s scared. He’s terrified of what comes next: adults are never good with him when he talks back, and he only dared to do so at school.
“Huh?” She looks away from him and for a moment just stares in front of herself, as if to recall and process what she's just heard. And the longer she thinks, the angrier she looks, her face reddening with pure rage.
“How fucking dare you, little brat?” Ah, he thinks, there it goes. He's truly done it this time.
Sakura doesn't look at her face anymore; he can't. He kind of notices the towel in her left hand, and how the right hand searches for something at the table — something heavier. He somehow gets that. He understands. The sky behind the kitchen window is blindingly white; is it gonna rain soon?
When he told himself he'll just last through that moment and whatever comes next — he somehow saw his mother’s sillhouette in his mind. Maybe long hair (or it could be short, he doesn't mind, he loves her no matter how she looks), vague facial features. She's smiling. “It's okay”, he reads from her lips, unable to imagine her voice because he never heard it. “I want you to stay, okay?”
“Sakura-san?”
Nirei's voice surprises him, and he’s back to present again. His eyes feel heavy; maybe, he even fell asleep for some time? Sakura frowns and looks up at Nirei. His friend's face has a smile on, but is filled with concern, and Sakura doesn't like it. Suo is by his side too, and he completely turned around at some point and is facing Sakura fully, sitting on his knees. His smile is more neutral than Nirei’s, but it’s just because Suo is better at hiding things; Suo is worried too, and Sakura really, really doesn’t like it. It's been a good, uplifting evening. No need for… whatever it is if he were to explain himself.
“It's nothing,” he tries his best to sound nonchalant. “Sleepy”, he adds and pulls the blanket up to his chin, nuzzling into it. It's warm. And he's not lying, he is sleepy, and can barely open his eyes.
His body kind of feels hot though. Sakura didn’t catch the exact moment it happened, but every muscle in his body feels tense now. He’s very aware of his friends’ watchful eyes too. He wants to hide from them, but he also can’t move, can he? So he can only silently plea they don’t do anything that’s… too much. Or he will break. He doesn’t know why, and how, and into what form, but he’ll just break.
“Hey, Suo-san…” he hears and feels Nirei put the lap desk aside. Then Nirei cautiously puts his hands back to Sakura’s shins. Not covering them, just slightly touching for their own balance. “You never told us why you even like baking, did you?”
Yes he did, Sakura’s mind instantly reacts, though he says nothing. At a lunch break at school Suo mentioned that he met a world-famous baker when he was young, and was trusted with a recipe that can heal every single cat on Earth. But his baking skills weren’t good enough yet, so now he’s dedicating all his free time to improve them.
“Yes, I did”, Suo answers in his usual singing tone. “It’s just because I have a sweet tooth”.
“But what about?...” Sakura speaks up, his voice surprisingly hoarse (oh, he’s sleepy sleepy already, isn’t he).
“A famous baker and a magical recipe?” Suo suggests.
“Oh no”, Nirei sighs.
And only now Sakura realises that the story was all made up by Suo. Again. He frowns and closes eyes again, hiding his face in the pillow with an angry puff. Nirei reproaches with his usual “Suo-san…”, and Suo chuckles and pats Sakura’s head. His hand stays at the place, lightly touching his hair, but not moving. Nirei asks Suo something else, and the two continue to talk about some casual stuff; Sakura can’t bring himself to pay attention to the topic. Good portion of tension leaves his body as he realises his friends moved on from his moment of weakness.
(Although he does not know how they noticed his momentary distress in the first place. It’s something he’s yet to get used to too: Nirei and Suo’s caring attention to all of him at all times.)
He’s one foot into sleep when he feels the shift: at the same moment, Suo pulls himself in, hugging Sakura, and Nirei all but stretched out right on him like a jelly-like cat or a second, heavy blanket. Suo’s head is lying on Sakura’s shoulder now, one of his hands is burrowed in Sakura’s hair. Oh. They planned it, didn’t they.
“Tch, you two…” Sakura can only grumble at them. Their cunning calculations turn out correct: he is too lazy to even move, let alone fight them off. He shakes away other people's affection less often these days, but still! There’s gotta be limits... kind of...
Suo breathes out a small laugh and even dares to pat Sakura's head before going back to tenderly threading the black and white locks between his fingers. And Nirei snuggles into Sakura's arm and hugs him even tighter.
It's warm. It's almost hot from the way Suo and Nirei's warmth is wrapped all around him.
Come to think of it, ever since he came to Makochi, Sakura could count the nights he was cold on his fingers. This town, his friends, his... something that Umemiya calls “family” — once he met them, they never let him freeze again.
Is this what his mother would've wanted for him? Is this what she imagined when she was choosing the kanji, thinking through its meaning? Sakura does not know. He never will. But the name, this only thing that she left him with — gives hope for a “yes”.
So Sakura hopes.
“I'm really glad I did stay,” the last thought on his mind before he soundly falls asleep in the arms of his friends.