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Watching through the window, I see the outside and I admire those yellow brush strokes faded in the fields, born from thousands of flowers.
Shapes of those are like details drowned in the colours’ complex and they show that this expanse was, for the artist who painted the whole world, an opportunity to let their hand go freely, carelessly.
It seems like they decided to paint it yellow. Leaving, though, under this bright light a bottom of green, to which they guaranteed a simple ‘thank you’ for being their canvas by offering a minimum appearance in the landscape.
I think that, probably, those flowers have more respect than these humans in the building where I am at.
Every kind of respect, from physical to verbal, from superficial to moral.
Only walls and groups exist here: people with other people who create perhaps more presences than all of the blades of grass lightened by the sun out of the window.
We’re on a break from classes, I guess.
I haven’t really paid attention, but I saw everyone standing up and talking loudly with other ones, so I moved from my monotonous place, too.
I wanted to change my sight, to look outside to let my eyes breathe.
«I’d like to lay over that green with you», he says.
He catches me off guard and, not expecting to get an answer like that, my cheeks redden a little bit.
Keeping my gaze forward, I try to answer back, wanting to prove him that I can take over too.
«I’d like, instead, to admire you under the sun. To look at your honey eyes and write poems to your sweet features... like portraits.»
Our gazes meet and they seem to find their maximum point of attraction from which they will never be able to get lost.
Until his falls by mistake, hiding behind his eyelids. And, keeping his head down, he tries to take a first step.
«Would you like to... sit? And have a hot chocolate maybe... We could take it from the vending machines, if you’d like to. We have a free hour, since the teacher and the substitutes are missing.»
«Of course I’d like to.»
«So, I go get them and you wait for me here? You could occupy those two desks at the back before the others could.»
«Yeah, sure. Don’t take it bitter for me though... I usually take the ‘45’» I admit, slightly embarrassed, while hastily reaching for my red backpack to take out my wallet.
«I’m coming right away.»
«No, wait! It is 1,000 won... – I turn to his direction or, to say better, where his figure was just a moment ago – ...right?» and the sentence dissolves into the air of the classroom, from which he has just darted away.
I shake my head to myself and I settle in those two seats he pointed to me a little ago.
I sit on the chair behind the right desk –, which is the furthest from my classmates –, putting my backpack on the one on left to occupy both.
So, should I give him 1,000 won when he comes back? Thinking about this, I take out my wallet and I count my money’s, finding two coins of 500won. I keep them in my fist as I put everything back in place after.
Looking at the two coins, I realize that, probably, he might have run away that fast from the classroom not because of his hurry and hunger but to avoid my rejections to his decision to pay for my hot chocolate too.
Squeezing the coin in my hand, I go back to my chair. I sit, thanking everyone who hasn’t occupied the two desks meanwhile, and I breathe.
I look straight at the door as my body is still recovering from my usual spasms ‘Post Shyness Attack’ and I wait for Jeongguk to come back.
I spend the following seconds observing the clock, asking myself why the time seems not to pass.
Ten minutes are already gone by the moment this class’s bell rang and I actually hope that this lonely feeling inside of me could end early.
I’d like to come back home and tidy my thoughts, so not to feel more alone because of them.
They’re so vague and I wouldn’t turn out to be some abstract invisible to my eyes, an empty abstract, today again.
«Sorry if it took me a while, I couldn’t get the cup out of the machine.»
I turn my head, lightly startled because I didn't notice him arriving, and he moves my backpack away to sit on the chair after putting down the two little glasses on the desk.
The classroom and my thoughts are blurred by my heartbeat that just reached my ears.
And they now seem deaf noises.
His smile speaks louder.
He gives me one cup and I hesitantly take it.
I swallow to unlock my vocal cords, thinking that a simple ‘thank you’ would be enough and that it's not necessary to make my next words show the paranoias I’ve been going through until a second ago.
So I part my lips and my gaze aims to him.
I don’t even blink and I try to remember how to make vocal sounds, but it doesn't work, because I find myself turning redder than my own backpack under his curious eyes that are accompanied by a smirk.
I look down at my two coins, still in my hands.
«I- I couldn’t give them to you... ‘cause you were already gone and-» I stop, realising how stupid I just sounded and, closing my eyes, I put my free hand on my forehead out of embarrassment.
«I’m sorry, I’m ridiculous.»
He chuckles and he caresses my back lightly with his hand.
«You’re sweet.»
I look at him out of the corner of my eye and I swallow my shame.
«Don’t think about this now, don’t worry. Drink, otherwise it will cool.»
I pull myself together on the chair, I re-open my fist for the nth time and, giving up, I put the coins in my pocket.
Sighing I finally regain my body functions again, as if my soul left for a bit due to the too much pressure it was subjected to and now just decided to come back.
«Are you feeling alright?»
I look back at him. I believe that, in my chest, my heart is actually hopping down my ribs.
Air /just can’t/ fill my lungs.
My stomach feels heavy.
«I haven’t had breakfast this morning. I’m just a bit dizzy» I say gesticulating as I take the cup and I bring it to my lips.
«Would you like something to eat as well?» he asks.
I look at his lips.
And immediately after at his worried eyes on me.
«No, it’s okay, I’m fine.»
I take a sip. Burning my tongue.
I squint my eyes and I chuckle, followed by him who is stirring his hot chocolate in the meantime.
«Good?»
«It’s a bit cold, actually» I answer ironically.
«Thanks» I add right away,
«... for the hot chocolate, I mean.»
«You’re absolutely welcome, doing it just made me happy.»
I smile, not looking at him, fixing my position on the chair again.
This time I turn, sitting sideway, lifting one leg of mine and pulling it close to my chest.
The proximity between us makes it so that my knee (of the leg I left down) brushes with his thigh.
I get slightly startled when they meet and I’m ready to move it away, but I remain still when I realize that he doesn’t seem to have noticed the contact; he’s pretty calm as he simply takes some sips from his cup.
I sigh and drink with him.
He turns in my direction, so his legs are now closer to mine and my knee is touching both of his.
Trying to avoid looking at our contact, my heart beats so much so that my hearing gets blurry.
He smiles and asks me something that I don't understand – and my heartbeat is to blame for deciding to take over my eardrums –, finding myself forced to ask him to repeat.
«I asked you if you’d like to stay with me even during the break, after.»
«Oh, sure, yeah... I enjoy staying with you» I admit almost casually.
An embarrassed smile appears on his face and only then I understand what I actually said.
Asking myself /why am I so stupid/ I widen my eyes and I look away immediately.
«Well, I meant-» I start to babble, gesticulating and swallowing after.
«I enjoy staying with you, too.»
I look at him and our eyes connect.
He smiles and I smile.
His hand get closer to mine and they lightly brush against eachother.
I move my gaze down to them and, feeling like /I have to do it at all costs/ I make them touch, placing my thumb on his.
He moves his hand even closer putting his palm on the back of my hand completely.
My chest feels warm and he wraps an arm around my shoulders.
I lean my head on the crook of his neck and I close my eyes.
We’re so close, and yet our skin is so far away.
I nuzzle his neck more and I breathe something that I’m sure can keep me alive more than oxygen.
He shivers and, on impulse, intertwines our fingers.
I smile against him and I relax.
He leans his head on mine.
I feel his body kind of hopping a bit towards me and, as I open my eyes, I realize that he’s just getting even closer, putting his chair nearer to mine by moving his body, so that we can touch more.
I lean – well, /snuggle/, actually, – on his chest, putting down the leg I was keeping near to my heart and which was hearing little explosions from it.
And, right now, I feel like this is the first time I’m breathing /unconsciously/ in all my entire life.