Archive of Our Own

Her mother had never been more annoying than now. She could swear it. Ever since Felicity; popular, smart, beautiful Felicity had finally taken her boyfriend of almost a year, Geoffrey, to the weekly Featherington Family dinner she hadn't stopped commenting on how nice it will be to have Penelope to take care of her mothers in their old age, since she wouldn't get married, of course.

“You need to get a new, bigger car for when we are old, Penelope. Stop buying so many expensive books,” Portia would say whenever she saw Penelope with a new book in her hands.

And Penelope would just smile and nod, just like she always did. Prudence would snicker at her, Phillipa would shrug, Felicity would grab her hand in comfort and Varley would offer her a sympathetic smile.

She loved her mother, she really did, and she knew her mother loved her too. In a way she also knew she didn't even mean to be cruel with her assumptions of Penelope's perpetual singleness. But it stung, because Penelope wanted romance in her life, a family of her own.

Seeing Geoffrey officially joining their family dinners had hurt. The Featherington girls (minus Prudence) didn't take the introduction of a partner to their mother lightly, they knew Portia could be a lot, so Felicity willingly inviting Geoffrey home meant something. And it was obvious Geoffrey loved her sister in the way he would make it a point to bring expensive flowers for Varley and Portia every week, in the way he would engage in conversation with Albion Finch, how he would attentively listen to Harley Dankworth about her newest fashion adquisition, or how he would ask Phillipa about her interests and Prudence about her week.

There were six years between her and Felicity and it made her go into panic seeing her baby sister so close to settling with someone when Penelope didn't even have a prospect to speak of.

That's when the Bridgerton Christmas Eve Ball's invite arrived. And Portia was oh so happy for the chance to brag about Felicity's good fortune bagging a man like Geoffrey and her good fortune in having three daughters finding love. “That will show Violet Bridgerton,” she would say out loud. And Penelope would want to cry.

It was Varley, her stepmother, who gave Penelope the idea of telling Portia she would introduce her new partner the day of the Ball. It had perhaps not been a great idea, but the proud grin on Portia's face, existedly talking about how she would brag to Violet Bridgerton how all her daughters were happily in love now made Penelope sure of one thing: she desperately needed a date for the Holidays.

Colin had always known he was different from his brothers. It was particularly obvious once he reached adolescence. Benedict and Anthony would tease him about not “pulling any chicks” ever since he turned 15. And Colin, eager to be part of his brothers’ little group, had then found himself a girlfriend. As it turned out, Marina didn't like his friendship with Penelope Featherington, Marina's own cousin (kind of), but since Colin had refused to end it (which he could never bring himself to regret) Marina had decided to give him “a taste of his own medicine” and find herself a male best friend. Colin didn't actually mind it that much, which irritated Marina a little bit and made her try harder, but then, things between Marina and her “male best friend” had actually escalated and he had found out she was planning to break up with him thanks to a stupid school blog.

She had been the only real girlfriend he had had, much to the amusement of Anthony, Benedict, and even annoyingly, Eloise. It was rich of them considering Anthony had only ever been serious with Siena, before Kate; or how Benedict would bring a new date to every event, the closest to a relationship being the one he had with Tilley — and Colin was sure they weren't even exclusive — before Sophie came along; or Eloise, who was known to have casual dates all the time but who had never ever introduced someone other than Penelope to the family. All in all, Colin never felt bad about not getting a girlfriend after Marina. He would have so called “summer flings” every now and then, specially when he was out of the country, but he would never formalise with any of them. It wasn't that he didn't believe in love, it wasn't even that he liked things casual, truth be told, he found it tiring, empty even, but it was what young men did. At least that's what everyone told him, and if it made them like him more, well, he liked that (even if he would never admit to it).

All in all, the whole “when are you settling down, Colin?” his mother and sisters often did wouldn't bother him at all. He always found the way to charm them into a change of topic. But this year it was different. His little brother was bringing a date to the Christmas Eve annual ball.

Bloody Gregory!

And for the first time in years Colin would feel left out.

To see his older brothers all dovey eyed while talking about his sisters (because, truly, that's what Kate and Sophie were to him) was manageable. Yes, he was jealous of the kind of love they had found, but he was still young, he had time to find his own, didn't he?

But then Gregory had gone and fallen in love. And having his baby brother talk so adoringly about a girl… Now he felt left behind.

And logically he knew this relationship of his may not even last. Gregory was more like him than Anthony and Benedict would understand, he was… intense. Braver than Colin, perhaps.

But the truth remained: He wanted a lover.

Most importantly, he needed a date for the Holidays!

Penelope was stressing the fuck out about this. Thank God Violet Bridgerton always sent the invitation in mid November, or else she would truly be lost.

She was waiting patiently for her on-and-off flatmate to arrive so they could have lunch together (they never made breakfast on Saturday, that was a task for weekdays only, thank you very much.) Then, she saw a young woman from the corner of her eye. She was sure she had seen her before, perhaps at one of those high society parties her mother loved to drag the whole family to.

She considered going over to her and start a conversation, the woman looked rather nice, and she was reading Emma, with a big smile on her face.

She would go and ask if she liked the book. Except, would that make her look too pushy? What if she didn't even fancy women? What if she made her uncomfortable? That would be embarrassing, really. Better not to go, then, she thought as she nervously bit her lower lip.

“Who are we watching?” The very familiar voice came from behind her, and she could feel rather than see the mischievous smile on his face.

“Colin!” She greeted him, blushing at having been caught.

He took the seat directly in front of her before scanning the QR to read the menu, as if he didn't have the whole thing memorised. “So, who is it?”

“No one,” she quickly replied. He arched an eyebrow. “It's not important, ok? I just —”

“You just?” He prompted.

“I told my mother I would introduce my partner to her at your mother's Ball,” she confessed.

“I didn't know you were seeing anyone,” he accused, offended.

“Because I'm not,” she clarified.

“And you told her you would introduce them to her because…?”

“Felicity started to take Geoffrey to Featherington Dinner every Wednesday,” she said, huffing at the end.

“Jesus! It must be really serious then,” and Colin understood, of course he did, he was going through the same with Gregory's girlfriend, except his thing wasn't that serious just yet, after all, only Hyacinth had known about Honoria before he asked for extra invites to the ball.

“Yeah,” she nodded, “so now I must get a date for the Ball and… I don't know how to.”

Colin looked at her for a second, he considered what he was about to say very seriously before he finally proposed:

“I'll get you a date for the Holidays,” a dramatic pause, as only a Bridgerton could make, “if you get me one.”

Penelope thought it over for a second, before finally nodding with a small smile on her face

“What do you like in a partner?” She asked him, taking him by surprise.

“What?”

“Well, I can imagine you'd have trouble getting a date by yourself. If you're asking me to get you one, then you must be looking for something and we clearly don't have the time to get to know our date enough, but if I'm going to help, I need to know, what are you looking for?”

Colin looked at her, she had gotten something wrong, he hadn't asked her to get him a date because he was looking for something specific, he was just so tired of the ritual. Flirting with someone, hooking up with them, feeling nothing and then breaking things up. And he thought, maybe if he changed the formula he'd get a different result. He wasn't about to tell her all that, though.

“Someone fun, I suppose,” he shrugged.

Penelope didn't like that answer, she huffed. “However will someone meet such high expectations?” She mocked. “Seriously, though. What do you want from a partner?”

He didn't know how to answer, he had pushed all expectations about relationships off his head for so long. He had assumed — no, hoped that he would simply know when the right person presented itself. Thinking about what he would want only left him feeling overwhelmed, because he didn't have it, and because he couldn't explain what it was that he wanted, he just needed more. He wanted someone to understand him, to want him not only because he was rich and handsome but because he was Colin.

“I mean it,” he said, smirking, “I'd like someone with a good sense of humour.”

“Very well, but what else?” She pressed.

“I don't know, someone nice, I think. Likeable.” He shrugged.

Penelope looked at him, as if she already knew he wasn't being honest, but she didn't press any further.

“What about you? Do you have a type? Something in particular you are looking for?” He asked her then, because he had promised to find her a date as well, hadn't he?

Penelope felt oddly vulnerable by having to answer. She certainly had a type, a very specific one, name-and-last-name kind of type. She wasn't about to tell him that, of course, but she had no other answer, not really. Perhaps a version of the truth could do.

“I want someone kind. Someone I can talk to and laugh with,” she started, trying not to look at him. “And of course, it would be nice if it's someone unlikely to be scared off by my family,” she laughed it off.

Colin smiled, warmly before leaning over her and whispering “Better add that to my list as well.”

Penelope shook her head, she was about to say something when the waitress showed up to ask for their order, and as she saw Colin Bridgerton devour an entire order of pancakes in record time it dawned on her, she had agreed to find the love of her life a date.

“It's under Bridgerton,” he said to the phone, “and I already told you, this one's on me, you don't have to pay. I have a good feeling about it, you know?”

He had gone over the list of people of his acquaintance who had all the requirements needed in Penelope's list. He had thought very carefully about it, really, the first two items were easy to check, it was the last one that had been a concern to him. A lot of people looked down on Portia Featherington for having the audacity to get re-married, to a woman, and one who hadn't been born to money, at that. But he had done it. He remembered Daphne being friendly with this girl when they were in school and even if their interactions nowadays were reduced to social media, he truly thought Pen and this girl could hit it off.

“And you are sure she knows the date is not with you, right?” Penelope asked, sounding genuinely worried.

“Well I hope so, she said she had always wanted a redhead girlfriend.” Her relief was palpable, even through the phone.

“Great! Thank you, Colin. I really hope you are right and that this goes well.”

He wished her luck one more time before ending the call. He was, after all, getting ready for the date Penelope had set up for him.

When she saw the woman she recognised her immediately. Penelope never forgot a face and she knew this girl had been friendly with Daphne Bridgerton in their school years. There was a time when the girl had a crush on Anthony and would convince Daphne to invite her to Bridgerton House under all kinds of excuses. She had liked this girl.

“Penelope?” The girl asked, getting closer to their table.

Penelope nodded, “And you must be Priya,” she offered her hand awkwardly for the girl to shake.

Priya looked at her hand with one eyebrow raised before shaking it.

“Is this your first date with a girl?” She asked, taking the seat in front of Penelope.

“No, well, kind of, I guess,” Penelope started, “I was — I mean I have, but not since — yeah.”

Priya arched an eyebrow, not sure if that was even an answer.

“You don't need to be so nervous, you know? I remember you from school, I know you don't talk much, but I can talk for the both of us if you wish.” She offered. And Penelope did feel more at ease. It was a shame, however, that she was Penelope, because she just couldn't relax.

“So, what do you do for a living?” Priya asked.

“I, uh, write. A column. For this magazine.” Pen closed her eyes in defeat, this was not going great.

“What about you?” She tried to fix it, before Priya could make a run for it.

“I am a hat designer!” She excitedly shared.

“You design hats?” Pen repeated, because she had never heard of such a thing, fashion designers who would occasionally create a hat? Of course! But someone specialised in designing only hats? That was new.

“Indeed! I find it fascinating, how many things you can put in them, the shapes and the colours you can add. Hats can really make you stand out in a room. Not that you have a problem with that, redheads are so rare that you must be easy to spot by your head alone!” Priya beamed.

Penelope blinked several times, she seemed to be for real, and so Penelope said: “Of course, there's nothing more interesting than —,” she realised then it sounded like she was mocking her date, but she couldn't stop herself from finishing, “heads.”

Goodbye Priya Eaton, it really wasn't you! Penelope thought to herself. They would still have dinner, but the other girl's demeanor changed completely after that.

She hoped Colin's date was going better, not only because it would have been a boomer to have two fail dates in the same day, but because she already felt guilty about the way she had asked Geneviève for one of her friends number because she couldn't bring herself to think of a good prospect for Colin!

Colin thought Josie was nice, she had a sense of humour, but for the life of him, he couldn't understand why Penelope had set him up with her. Sure, she had all the requirements on his list, but they didn't have much in common.

“And when did you decide you wanted to be a massage therapist?” He asked her, taking a sip of his wine.

“I didn't choose to be a massage therapist. But, you know, I couldn't really pay for University. I wanted to be a physiotherapist. I just thought it was close enough.” She shrugged.

“What about you? What do you do for a living?” She asked.

And Colin knew he had no right to get mad at her for asking. It wasn't Josie's fault that the answer made him feel fucking useless. But he did anyway.

“I have a blog,” he said sharply.

“A blog?” She asked, and really, he should get a hold of himself because she was being nice about it, acting interested still.

“Mm-hm…” He nodded, indifferent.

“What kind of blog?” Josie pushed anyway.

“A travel one,” he said. He was being a prick and he knew it.

It had become a sensitive topic as of late. He had no lover, no real job, no purpose, and it was killing him from the inside to see everyone in his life start getting their life together.

Anthony was keeping their father's legacy alive, he was a great TV Producer, just like his dad had been; Benedict had his art and the Gallery he started near My Cottage; Daphne was a wife, a mother of three (with one of the way) and still found the time to organise all kind of Charity Events to help keep their mother's organisation going; Eloise was now a professor at Cambridge University; Francesca had her music and Kilmartin's Arts Conservatory to manage; Gregory, recently out of Uni was showing a great talent for investments; even baby Hyacinth already knew what she wanted to do, she already had that summer internship to help decipher an old stone's writings. And that wasn't even counting his many siblings-in-law, or his friends. They all had — a life.

Colin didn't feel like he had that. Sometimes he felt like he was simply a pretty, but otherwise empty vase, wandering around the world because he was lost.

He should apologise to Josie, he knew he should, but he was just so fucking tired of it all that taking it out on her felt easy. He fully expected her to stand up and leave, but Josie must be used to being around pricks, because she just smiled very tightly.

“The food is good,” she commented.

And Colin — he really was being an arsehole right now, — he rolled his eyes.

Great Job, Bridgerton! He thought to himself, bitterly.

“Ugh, not a good date, I take it?” Penelope asked him as he was closing the door behind him. At least he had a home.

“What makes you say that?” He asked, trying not to sour her mood, in case her date had gone better than his.

“You are home and it's barely 11 pm,” she answered.

“You are home too, sweetheart,” he countered. And he knew he didn't really have a point, because even if Penelope had had a successful date she just never went home with them on the first date.

“Yeah, well, mine wasn't exactly a success either,” she huffed sadly, settling herself on the sofa, making space for him to sit beside her, under the blanket she was using to cover herself from the cold.

“What happened?” He asked her, curious.

“I was a disaster!” She dramatically moaned, “worse even, I was a disgrace!” She covered her face with a cushion trying to muffle her small cry of despair.

Colin chuckled, amused, “C'mon, princess, it couldn't have been that bad,” he said, taking the cushion cautiously out of her hands.

“But it was!” Penelope persisted, “you weren't there, you cannot tell me it wasn't as bad because I assure you, whatever you are imagining, it was worse!”

“Then tell me, what was so bad about your date? Was she boring or something?” He asked, finally taking a seat besides Penelope and putting his arm around her. She quickly put her head down on his shoulder as she took a deep breath.

“It wasn't her. She was very nice, trying to make conversation and telling me about her. I was the problem, Colin.”

“But why? I can't imagine you doing something to get your «I've just visited my mamma and Prudence so I need a break» mode.”

Penelope took a deep breath again before reaching for the cup of hot chocolate lying in front of her.

“She told me about her designs,” she said and waited for Colin to nod before continuing, “she designs hats, you see?”

“Hats?” Colin raised an eyebrow, “as in, those we put in our heads?”

“Yes, exactly! And she likes designing extravagant ones, just today she was wearing one that I'm pretty sure had orange slices and probably other fruits in it!” Penelope continued.

Colin could do little to contain his laughter, but he managed with just a smile.

“And you see, I wasn't about to say «they look very pretty, I'm sure the fashion industry loves them»,” Colin did laugh at that, “And so I said…” Penelope paused, trying not to laugh because she was mortified, “there's nothing more interesting than heads.”

And Colin could help but burst out laughing for real.

“It's not funny!” She complained, but it wasn't very effective because she was smiling too.

“Well, at least she doesn't design shoes, would've thought you kinky.”

“Colin!” She tried to complain, but she was laughing now too.

They didn't talk much about their dates after that, instead they cuddled on the sofa together and watched Home Alone.

Since their blind dates had been a disaster they decided to go out there the old fashion way. Meet people in a bar, or a store, or a cafe, and so far, they have had no success. Well, Penelope would say Colin had had success, because one weekend, while they were eating breakfast Harry Dankworth, Prudence's brother in law and her “gay best friend”, approached Penelope to say hi and that he was happy their sisters were trying to conceive a baby by insemination. Yes, he did give all that information. To her surprise, the weird encounter ended up in Colin asking the man out for a few drinks.

They decided to go to a bar, where the drinks were enough to have a good time and the music was not too loud as to have a conversation.

Penelope, in hopes of finding someone there too, came with Colin (who was meeting Harry at the bar) and made her way to the service bar while Colin found a table for him and Harry.

Colin was watching Pen, ordering her favorite drink for occasions like this, where she was nervous and needed to get a little bit loose. He liked when Penelope let go of all her worries, it was a side of her few people were privileged enough to see and he was lucky he got to see it as often as he did. When Harry first arrived, Colin didn't notice at first.

“Hey, you,” Harry greeted.

“Hi, there. How's it going?”

“Alright. At least I hope. I've just had my doctor's appointment,” Harry said, as if Colin should know what the appointment was about.

“Is everything alright? Are you ill or something?” He decided to ask, because really, it seemed like the bare minimum to do when your date told you about medical appointments.

“No, not at all. Remember mine and Penelope's sister want a baby?” He asked. And Colin started to feel like asking Harry Dankworth out had been a terrible, terrible idea.

He nodded.

“They asked me to be their donor!” He said, excitedly. “Prudence is the one who'll carry the babe, of course. If the Featheringtons had at least one brother they would have tried with him and my sister too, but since they do not, weell…” Harry continued.

And Colin sat there, listening for hours about how he was gonna be the sperm donor for Prudence and Harley so they could have a baby in excruciating detail.

“But they promised that once the baby is born I will be the godfather!” Harry finished, excitedly.

“That's great, mate,” Colin said, no longer interested in pretending this date could become anything else than just the one date.

“I know! You must have lots of nieces and nephews and at least one godchild, with that family of yours,” Harry said, oblivious to Colin's discomfort.

“Yeah, I do,” he said, nonchalantly, blocking out the conversation Harry was having (one-sidedly) about the probability of the insemination working the first time and how they were going to keep trying regardless until a baby Featherington-Dankworth was born. And while Harry was busy doing that, Colin entertained himself watching Penelope as he ate. She was talking with a man that had approached the bar and took a seat next to her a few minutes ago. They appeared to be having polite conversations with each other, probably asking their names, where they grew up and all kinds of stuff you ask when you are first meeting someone.

He hoped she was having more fun than him, but then, without warning the man started to cry and left Penelope alone.

Colin took the opportunity to cut his date short. He stood up and when Harry looked up at him, confused he simply pointed to Penelope, and Harry followed after him.

“Is everything alright?” Colin asked, as soon as he reached Penelope.

“I uh -” she shook her head, as if willing words to come back to her.

“I'll bring you some water,” Harry said, not being comfortable with the atmosphere around Penelope.

“His horse recently died,” Penelope said, once Harry had gone God knows where (they were already at the bar!).

Colin couldn't help but chuckle, not understanding what that had to do with anything.

“Very unfortunate,” he said, with a smile, “but what—?”

“I was telling life is too short to waste,” Penelope chuckled too.

“No way!” Colin exclaimed, barely able to contain his laughter.

They both turned their eyes to the floor, trying and failing not to laugh.

“Where is Harry?” Penelope asked, a hint of amusement still in her voice.

“He said he'd get you some water but —,” he shrugged.

“He must have gone all the way to the nearest convenience store to avoid the awkwardness,” she guessed, still trying not to laugh.

“We must gallop along, then,” he couldn't resist.

“Colin!” Pen almost choked on laughter and Colin thought these two horrible attempts had been worth it, just to hear her laugh like that.

When December 10th came and neither Colin nor Penelope had yet a date to bring to the dance, they had started to become desperate. And so, as a last result, they decided to go clubbing. It was normally not a place either of them would go with the intention to meet a potential partner, that was not their style, but most people ended up with at least a hookup by the end of the night if one put themselves in the crowd enough.

And that's how Colin and Penelope found themselves at Fife's Club.

This was the kind of place you go to get drunk and high and find a one night stand if you were lucky. Colin and Penelope didn't usually do that kind of stuff, but at this point it may very well be their only option.

It hadn't been well planned though, and while Colin was thriving in the middle of the dancefloor (of one could call it that), Penelope found herself in the outskirts, asking the batista for some snacks.

“It's a nice evening, is it not?” A male voice startled her. “Sorry, didn't mean to scare you,” he said.

“Not at all, I was just distracted with these — fries,” Penelope said.

“You don't like this kind of place, do you?” The man asked her, seeing her demeanour.

“Not really,” Penelope agreed, “do you?” She couldn't help but ask.

He left out a humorous huff, “I cannot dance, so it's hardly my preferred environment, no.” He had a point, she hadn't wanted to be prejudiced but the man was in a wheelchair, she couldn't imagine he would like such crowded spaces where he could barely move.

“Why did you come then?” She asked, curious, for the first time.

“It's a great place to get gossip,” he said, smiling.

Penelope couldn't help but smile too.

“Is that so?” She said, getting closer to him.

“Indeed” the man put down his drink and pointed to a man at the other side of the bar, “see that man over there? He was here with a woman, dancing and drinking. He was kissing her neck when the woman's husband came to drag her away,” he shared, a mischievous smile on his lips.

“What happened to her? Is she alright?” Penelope asked, finding herself genuinely into the conversation.

“She is, the man defended her of course, that's why he's spotting a purple eye now, and the woman left with her friends,” he informed her.

Penelope smiled, perhaps God had finally answered her prayers!

“I'm Penelope, by the way. Penelope Featherington.”

He smiled at her before extending his hand for a shake and saying “I'm Lee Remington.”

Penelope smiled as she shook his hand, and before courage left her she got closer to him to say “You see those two people in the corner?” Pointing to a boy and a girl in their early twenties who were conversing amicably. 

Remington nodded.

“He's been watching her all night, even when she's been asked to dance. How long until they confess to each other, would you think?”

And Remington smiled, watching the pair almost holding hands while they talked, but not quite.

“I say a week!” He told Penelope. And they spent the rest of the night gossiping and people watching.

Colin had been dancing with this girl — Merry, he remembered, for about 45 minutes when something in the background caught his attention. Penelope was talking amicably with a man. She seemed to be having fun and even if he told himself he should be glad — because they had come with the purpose of finding dates — something about the way she smiled at the man didn't feel right, which was weird, because Penelope was not doing one of her polite “I don't want to seem rude” kind of smile, she was genuinely smiling. And yet, it wasn't alright.

He must have froze for a second there, because Merry — who had been dancing against him while he felt her with his hands — turned to look at him.

“Is something wrong?” She asked, concerned. Colin appreciated that, normally his one night stands never caught onto his mood.

“Not at all, it's just becoming a bit overwhelming, don't you think?” He said, not thinking too much about what he was saying and risking a look at Penelope and that man.

Merry smiled seductively, “we can go somewhere less crowded, if you wish, maybe your place?” She asked.

Colin was taken aback, not knowing how to answer.

“I don't — well, my roommate may be there, you see and I don't want her to feel uncomfortable,” he tried.

“We can go to mine then,” she raised her eyebrows, “if you want, of course.”

And Colin thought he should say yes. That could give him at least a shot at finding a date for the ball. So even if he was exactly in the mood for a quick fuck, he accepted the invitation anyway.

Once at Merry's place, he became a little nervous, which was weird because it didn't usually happen to him, he was always able to play his part with a smile on his face and keep that smile up until he or his lover for the night left. But something was different about this time, and when Merry started kissing him and unbuttoning his shirt, he took a moment to tell her, even if it meant he would be kicked out immediately.

“This is nice, Merry, but, I didn't say that just so we could — you know? Have sex, I guess. It's not that you're not extremely attractive, but, I really meant it when I said the place was becoming overwhelming.” He awkwardly explained.

His past experiences had taught him that when he didn't want to “perform” he would be kicked out and that would be the end of his not-relationship with that person. But Merry surprised him.

“It's alright, not everyone wants to be intimate with people they've just met,” she smiled, “we could still hang out here, if you want, maybe watch a movie or something.

And that's what they did. They sat on her sofa to watch movies together all night, until they fell asleep. He couldn't help but be reminded of all the nights he had done exactly this with Penelope, and although it was not nearly the same. Merry and him were not bantering or commenting on the movie and the characters and even if they were cuddling it just didn't measure up to the movie nights cuddled up with Penelope. Still, this had been the most enjoyable date (if one could call it that) Colin had had in a very long time.

Surprisingly to them both, they had seemed to find their perfect dates for the Christmas Eve Ball. Colin had been going out with Merry and even if they hadn't yet had sex, they had done a few stuff with their hands. He still didn't understand all the fuss around sexual activities his brothers always described as all consuming and burning, but he had concluded long ago it was because something was wrong with him.

Penelope, on the other hand, seemed to be not only thriving in her newfound relationship with Remington, she appeared genuinely happy and at ease. More than once Colin had come back from Merry's place only to find Remington sat on the armchair with Penelope on his lap as they made out.

He hadn't talked with the fellow yet other than a “Hey man” or a “See you”. But every time he saw Pen with him, his blood boiled and he had the unexplainable urge to punch him in the face. He never voiced any of that, though. Penelope looked happy. And he loved to see Penelope happy.

But of course, Colin had to ruin that for her.

It hadn't been his intention. He still didn't fully comprehend what he had done that was so bad that fucking Remington broke up with Penelope.

It had been just a casual thing, something normal for him and Penelope.

The night of the 22nd of December, Colin, Penelope and her boyfriend were watching The Grinch. Penelope and her boyfriend took the sofa, and they were cuddled up under her favorite blanket while Colin was sat alone, and blanketless on the armchair.

Colin had meant to invite Merry, but he hadn't really talked to her in three days. He supposed they were broken up by now seeing as how Merry's last text was something along the lines of “you don't need to call me again”.

It had been his own fault, really. After he and Merry had sex for the first time, she complimented him, saying it was nice to finally have a boyfriend who cared about her pleasure too. But then she asked “it was amazing, don't you think?” And Colin, fuck ass Colin hesitated. He hadn't wanted to lie to her, it had been good, he found his release and all, but how to explain to her that he still felt… distant? that he felt like something was missing? how to explain that without making her feel like she was the problem, she was not! But his silence was an even worse answer, because she kicked him out of her apartment.

That day Pen had comforted him, she made him a cup of his favourite tea and reassured him that it was no one's fault. That she was sure he would find someone with whom sex would feel amazing and fulfilling and not just pleasurable.

So he was now third wheeling on Pen's movie date trying not to stare at her boyfriend like he would be better off dead. He was failing, of course, but it didn't matter, because Remington had followed Penelope with his gaze.

“Do you need some help, pretty?” Remington asked, and Colin rolled his eyes.

“It's alright,” Penelope said, “besides, you haven't been feeling well, I don't want you standing up and I don't think you can reach it on your chair either.”

That made Colin look. Penelope was struggling to get the cups to serve the hot chocolate, even in the stool she was standing on, she could barely reach the edge of the pantry.

So Colin stood up, he approached Penelope and put one hand on her waist while he took one cup with the other and put it in her hands.

“I got it, sweetheart,” Colin whispered in her ear as Penelope looked intently at him.

“Thank you,” Penelope said, slightly out of breath as Colin repeated the action. They needed three cups, after all.

But once she had the cups and they served them, Remington announced, sounding almost annoyed, that he was leaving.

“Wha — why?” Penelope asked, her voice shaking.

“I clearly have nothing to do here,” Remington said, standing up from the sofa and taking his wheelchair so he could make for the door.

“No, wait!” Penelope tried, and she sounded desperate. But Remington was fast and he already was in the hallway by the time Penelope had managed to leave the two cups she was holding on the table and make her way out of the kitchen.

Colin stood there, watching her chase after him and even he couldn't hear any yelling he was sure some kind of discussion was being held outside their apartment door.

When Penelope came back she was crying, and as much as Colin wanted to comfort her, he knew her enough to see she needed time.

Tomorrow, he will comfort her tomorrow.

As was tradition, Penelope, Felicity, Posy and the entire Bridgerton family left for Aubrey Hall. They always arrived one day earlier just so they could take care of any last minute arrangements that needed to be made.

And Colin had tried, he really had, all day to talk to Penelope. But she was having none of it.

So his last option was to seek her out in the middle of the night, in the room that was now hers.

He knocked on the door and waited patiently for her to open.

“I don't want to watch a movie, Felicity,” she was saying before she saw who was on the other side of the door.

“Not Felicity,” Colin smiled shyly.

“What do you want?” She asked, and despite the question, it didn't sound rude at all.

“I just wanted to make sure you were alright, after yesterday,” he offered a sheepish tilt of his head and a fainting smile.

“I am fine,” she said, but he could tell she did not mean it.

“How's everything with Remington?” He bravely asked.

“He broke up with me,” now she sounded exasperated.

“I'm sorry,” he said, because even if didn't fully understand what he had done, he knew he had something to do with it.

“It was my own fault, for believing I could find something even similar to what your siblings or even my sisters have,” a tear rolled down her eye. “But I'm just a sad stupid girl who believed she could possibly get a chance at love.”

“Do not say such things,” Colin pleaded with her. It pained him to hear her like this.

“But it is true. I could die tomorrow -”

“You are not going to die tomorrow.”

“But I could and it would kill me -”

“But you would already be dead,” his voice sounded wounded and pleading now too.

“Please. I will die alone, with no one to go home to, and no one to kiss and -” 

She didn't finish her phrase, because Colin Bridgerton was kissing Penelope Featherington under the mistletoe on her doorframe.

And it was glorious.

They came apart for a second to look at each other's eyes before going back in, with more passion, to devour each other's lips.

After a few minutes, and Colin didn't know how they had ended up inside Penelope's room, with the door closed and her back pressed against it, they came up for air.

“As long as I live,” Colin started, panting, “you will always have someone to go home to, Pen,” he pecked her lips once more.

“And kiss?” she timidly asked, with a small giggle hiding on her throat.

“And do so much more than kiss,” Colin answered, with tears in his eyes, because for the first time, and with barely just a kiss, he understood what everyone meant about that all consuming fire that came with passion. And he was not going to let that go, ever.

“I guess we did get each other a holidate,” Penelope joked, before dragging Colin's face to her own and kissing him with all the repressed desire that had been boiling inside her for years.