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You will never know what it feels like to have no control over yourself.
Kris said this to Susie only a day ago. And now, suddenly, they don’t remember saying it.
“What do you mean?” Susie asked, staring at them. “You said that literally yesterday.”
They stared at her, a confused look on their face. They told her it didn’t sound like something they’d say.
“Is your head okay, Kris?” Susie playfully nudged their head with her fist, but she was genuinely concerned. They’d gotten up in the middle of the night during a sleepover on the couch, rifled through the fridge for something to eat, and then sat at the table, knife and fork in hand, as they ate the half of the butterscotch pie Susie had left for them. And when Susie had asked why they were eating the whole thing in the middle of the night, they had responded with that. You will never know what it feels like to have no control over yourself.
Not “I have poor self-control,” and not “because I can’t control myself,” but specific, biting words, said with crumbs falling from the corners of their mouth, eyes blazing in the dark, staring at the dining table.
And now, today at school, they had no recollection of saying it.
Kris told her their head was fine and not to worry, but Susie liked to think she knew Kris better than that at this point.
During their “study session” at Noelle’s house, Susie could’ve sworn she’d seen Kris’s eyes turn a different color. It was quick, both time she noticed it, but she knew what she saw.
They’d arrived and set off into the living room right away, before Kris snuck off to try and find the code to the bunker. Everything at that point felt normal, casual, and maybe a little bit exciting since she got to spend some one-on-one time with Noelle. But then, a little ways into that, Kris showed back up, this time heading for the kitchen. And when they did, Susie caught their eyes for half a second and she could’ve sworn they were bluer than they usually were.
She didn’t really have an explanation for that, or even really a question. It was just an observation. Usually, their eyes were a relatively warm, dark, almost-black brown color. But in that moment, as they marched off toward the kitchen, Susie could’ve sworn they had a hint of blue.
And honestly, in that moment, it made sense to her brain. In the Dark World, Kris was blue, so of course their eyes would be blue-ish. But then, a little while later, she realized it was kind of strange. Because even later, when they met back up, Susie saw the warmth in their eyes again, and it hit her that even though that was how she remember them looking, something about it wasn’t right to her.
Though, still, she had nothing to say or do about it. It wasn’t like she could just corner Kris with, “So why do your eyes look bluer sometimes?” That would be about as insane as insisting they’d said something they had no memory of saying, and twice as fruitless, probably.
Ah, and fruit made her think of apples, which Kris’s hair smelled like. She wondered if their shampoo tasted like apples too.
Firstly, it did not. Secondly, never enter someone else’s bathroom without knocking first.
Kris frantically shoved something in the trash, blood smearing across their palms, as Susie stormed in, ready to ask about drinking their shampoo.
“Oh shit,” Susie said, realizing many things in that moment, not the least of which being that she had just learned something earth-shattering about her friend. “Uh, sorry. I was… Just…”
She trailed off, because she was pretty sure people who got caught harming themselves usually didn’t look this relieved.
“You have blood on your hands,” Susie said, not knowing what else to say.
As if in response, Kris crossed the bathroom and threw their arms around her, burying their face in her neck like they were trying to hide from the world.
Susie hesitantly hugged them back. “Are you okay?”
They nodded, muttering a response she couldn’t make out.
“Are you getting blood on my jacket?” Susie asked awkwardly.
Kris pulled back, their eyes wide. “Oops.”
“It’s fine,” Susie insisted. “But uh, are you, like… okay? Do you need bandages or something?”
They stared at her, eyes blank, until finally they realized what she thought was going on. “Oh, no no, I wasn’t—”
Their words were interrupted by the sound of Toriel’s car rumbling toward the house. Susie was not supposed to be here, because Kris was playing sick to stay home from church. She turned toward the front of the house before realizing she would have to escape out the bathroom window to remain unseen. When she turned back, Kris was leaned over the sink, chest heaving air like they’d run a marathon, fresh blood dripping from their mouth where they’d apparently bit their lip.
“Dude,” Susie said, startled. “Are you okay?"
Kris gritted their teeth, leaning their head down, almost pressing their head into the sink, before jolting upright. Susie felt a chill roll down her spine as she watched their face drain of emotion, their eyes tinted with a warm, orange hue in the cold bathroom light. They apologized and started washing their hands.
Susie stared for a long time. So long that she heard Toriel’s key turn in the door. She then snapped out of it, pulling the bathroom door shut and rushing to the window. But before she left, she turned back to check on Kris one last time.
They smiled slightly, and gave her a thumbs-up.