Work Text:
shane was, and forever would be, madly in love with ilya.
as he watched his now husband scroll aimlessly through his social media, shane couldn’t help but let himself get lost in the view of ilya. he did his best not to stare at him, he really did, which was hilarious to him because they were married for fucks sake. he was allowed to stare at his husband. he was allowed to stare at his husband in the silence of his cottage— their cottage. the silence that surrounded ilya was different though, not the normal way the quiet of the cottage would wrap itself around the other man.
he fights the urge to say something to him, something that could make the thinking worse. what if he said the wrong thing and they fought again? was it stressing him out as much as it was stressing shane out to see him like that? shane could tell that from the way his eyes shifted, finger brushing his nose as his line of sight dropped down to connect the dots between his freckles. ilya always held himself to a certain standard. he wasn’t sure if it was from the intense fear mongering that he got from his family, or if he felt like he had to prove something to himself or the people around him. but shane knew that ilya beat himself up over the smallest things, and it pained him. of course now it was different since he was in therapy, but shane could almost always tell when something was bothering him. before it was harder, since ilya had trouble talking about his pain but now that he knew healthy ways to talk about it it had gotten easier.
all his worries melted away whenever he was around ilya. he felt the most powerful when they were together. he wasn’t shane hollander, hockey player. no. he was just shane and his husband was just ilya. two lovebirds who in fact were very close and intimate despite what the public thought. and god, he was so in love with his husband. he would do anything for him if it meant ilya would be happy.
but he couldn’t help but worry about what ilya could possibly be thinking about.
you’re okay. he told himself. you’re married. he’s fine. everything is fine. he paused. maybe. there were only so many things that could have ilya looking that distressed. the words were on the tip of his tongue. a small you okay? trying to burst out from behind the semi-closed doors of his mind. he knew deep down that they were in a better spot and could talk about their feelings. shane never wanted to repeat the past months ever again and was determined to make sure it didn’t get that bad. but he wanted to ask. he wanted to ask so bad. there was a quiet ache, shane started to realize, that ilya always seemed to find when something was bothering him.
“you’re thinking.”
“i am.”
“that’s never good.”
ilya knows he should tell shane. he should tell shane what he’s thinking and get it off his chest. you’ve been through worse, rosanov. telling your husband you don’t want to hide anymore isn’t the worst thing in the world. if anything, it should be exciting. he wanted to choose the joy. he did, but the thought of speaking his feelings out loud terrified him. he rolls the words around in his brain, a mix of russian and english bouncing around as he figured out the best way to explain to shane how he was feeling. how he wanted to choose the happiness that came with letting the world know that he was madly in love and would shout it out for anyone to hear. it wasn’t strategy, this wasn’t survival. so why was his brain making this harder than it needed to be?
but what if shane was going to judge him? what if shane hears him say he’s ready now and brings up why weren’t you ready before? what changed? he wanted to show the world who he really was, and he braced himself for the impact it would have on not only his life, but the life they had together. he wanted the world to see him the way shane saw him- someone who could live their life without feeling the need to apologise or hide parts of himself. hell, scott hunter did it, why couldn’t they?
“you are happy, yes?”
shane cocked his head. “of course i am babe. why wouldn’t i be?”
“we are still…” ilya searched his brain for the correct words. “in the shelf.”
“closet. in the closet.”
“yes. that. what if… what if we did not stay?”
“like… in the closet?” shane’s head tilted to the side.
“scott came out, did he not?”
“well yes.”
“and he is happy?”
it took shane a few seconds to understand what ilya was hinting at. “do you want to come out?”
“i think… i am ready. i love you, shane hollander. i am tired of hiding it.”
“yeah?” shane’s smile grew as he watched ilya carefully. “are you sure?”
“positive.”
“then let’s do it. if you’re ready, i’m ready.”
the tension visibly fell from ilya’s frame, the feelings rushing through his body. one look at shane and he felt safe. shane wasn’t pushing him, wasn’t questioning his motives. it made him feel appreciated, being met where he was. shane -- well, maybe he used to push ilya’s boundaries, but now they came to an understanding that they could still have fun with that kind of stuff but talking everything out helped. it made the mean voices in his head quieter and amplified the other voices telling him he was good and safe.
words his therapist spoke to him came to the forefront of his mind as he glanced down to his phone. fear lives in the body, not in the possibility of shane overreacting. the fear is his instincts saying that the visibility is dangerous. but who’s here to stop him? his brother doesn’t speak to him anymore and his father is dead. he has yuna and david now, and they would want him to be happy. they’d want both of them to be happy.
fuck it. he was ready.
“what do you wanna say?”
ilya thought for a moment. typed a short caption.
and then he hit post.
— — —
Instagram — 1 New Post from: Ilya Rozanov
attached: 1 image.
@rozanov81: #iwon
liked by: yunahollander, hunterscott, shanehollanderhockey and 977 others.
comments:
@sapphicrozanov: IM SORRY WHAT.
@androzanov: WHAT IS HAPPENING
@hollanderspuck: HWLLO?!!
— — —
GROUP CHAT: ACTIVE
aspiring hockey wags
androzanov [3:45pm]
WEE WOO WEE WOO
guys.
what rhe cuck
what the fuck id happening right niw
literally what the fuck is happwning
did ilya just hard launch a marraige
ILYA ISNT SINGLE?!
androzanov [3:51pm]
YOOOOO
DID YOU SEE WHO HE TAGGED
THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO THE STORY
oh
oH
OH MY GOD
NO SHOT
NO FUCIING SHOT
WHAT
YOU LIE
LIAR TOL DYOU THAT
ILYA AND SHANE?!
androzanov [3:53pm]
YEAH
SHANE FUCKING HOLLANDER
AND ILYA
ARE MARRIED
hollanderspuck [3:55pm]
guys
are we sure this isn’t just an elaborate
april fools joke
it's literally april first
oh
oh ur so right
happy april fools guys
hollanderspuck [3:58pm]
like
is this real
or is he actually married
i need to know
my ovaries need to know
androzanov [4:00pm]
ur so real for that
hollanderspuck [4:00pm]
thanks i try very hard to stay real
i’m gonna do some digging
hold
hollanderspuck [4:01pm]
thank you hold
— — —
DIRECT MESSAGE: ACTIVE
satanshockeystick (sierra)
sierra
hi pookies
whats up
you saw ilya’s latest post
right
the hard launch of him being
married
yes?
maybe?
hold on
wait
oh m y hod
no shot
SHANE HOLLANDER?
YES SHANE HOLLANDER
girl i need your internet stalking
skills like rn
can i add u to a gc with rose and
andromeda
ofc i got chu
— — —
GROUP CHAT: ACTIVE
aspiring hockey wags
satanshockeystick (sierra) has been added
sierra, meet rose and andromeda
girlies, this is bestie sierra
hollanderspuck [4:07pm]
hi pookie
welcome in
satanshockeystick [4:08pm]
aspiring hockey wags i love
androzanov [4:09pm]
thank you
that was my idea
bitch
no it wasnt
p sure it came about bc rose said
and i quote
“let me be a hockey wag dammit”
when ilya posted that pic at the
lake or whatever
hollanderspuck [4:09pm]
that photo is still my homescreen
god he’s so hot
but i digress
satanshockeystick [4:10pm]
ok babes what do u need
i need all the info we can find
on shane and ilya
im talking
like
rookie season
anything
i need to know if this is real
satanshockeystick [4:10pm]
alr bet
give me five minutes to get my celsius
and laptop
i got chu
— — —
“shane- they love it.”
ilya held out his phone, smile cracking on his face as the comments started rolling in. while part of him was still scared about the general reactions, the amount of support they were getting was beautiful. his dms were flooded with so many messages of people thanking him for being so brave, for doing what they felt like they couldn’t. it made tears come to his eyes as he saw the numbers go up, pride and joy swelling in his chest as he looked over to shane.
“i knew they would.” shane smiled back at him. “although… it is april first.”
“yes. i knew that.”
“it’s april fools day, babe.”
it took ilya a few seconds. “i don’t understand.”
“they might think we’re pranking them.”
“oh.” he paused. “but we are not?”
“well we know that. but the public doesn’t. they probably think it’s us trying to get publicity or something.”
“but i am getting many inbox messages from fans telling me how happy they are.”
“well those are the fans who have common sense, i guess.” shane shrugged. “i’m proud of you, though, that was a big step.”
“it was time. i don’t want to hide it. hide us.” ilya nuzzled into shane’s side. “i need the world to know how much i love you.”
the constant buzzing from ilya and shane’s phone was a reminder of what they had accomplished, but it was almost long forgotten as the two of them flipped through channels on the tv. an exhale escapes ilya’s lips as he leaned closer into shane, wrapping his arm around his midsection. usually his brain was full of noise, but now that his biggest secret was out, he realized how quiet his brain was. he could focus more on his surroundings- the scent of their laundry detergent, the chinese take out they decided to splurge on because their diet didn’t matter for one night, the lavender plant they just got to spruce up the kitchen… everything was becoming more clear the quieter his head got.
the noise in his head had been something constant since his rookie season. it was sharp and exhausting. so much “don’t do this” or “what will the commissioner think?”. not letting his voice soften, not letting anyone see the fragile parts of him. compartmentalizing had become his best friend, as toxic as it was. his tongue pressed the back of his teeth as he started recognizing different feelings swirling through him. the relief he was feeling wasn’t dramatic, it hadn’t exploded in his face. it settled around him like being wrapped in the big fluffy blue blanket that sat draped over the back of the couch. muscles he hadn’t known were still clenched felt relaxed for the first time since 2008, almost as if a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders.
everyone knew about him and shane.
and the world didn’t end.
— — —
GROUP CHAT: ACTIVE
aspiring hockey wags
satanshockeystick [8:10pm]
ok gu
gu
guys
i dont think this is a prank
hollanderspuck [8:11pm]
wait so my husband is actually married irl
and not to me?
shame
damn u lost two husbands rose
first scott now ilya
whos next
nilsson?
hollanderspuck [8:13pm]
he better not leave me
androzanov [8:15pm]
girl (in a nonbinary way) he doesn’t even
know u exist
hollanderspuck [8:16pm]
thats a lie
liar told you that
we made eye contact when he gave me
a puck once
he winked at me
androzanov [8:18pm]
(image attached: white man blinking gif)
but also, this is u
(image attached: yes im cracking!.meme)
satanshockeystick [8:18pm]
ok but like
i did lotsa digging
right
so
interviews. right? you guys. so. much. chem.
like
a+ for chemistry
like
even back to rookie season
there’s no way they werent fucking
oh my god
SINCE ROOKIE SEASON?
hollanderspuck [8:21pm]
good :) for :) them :)
i’m :) not :) jealous :)
at all :)
god im so single
satanshockeystick [8:23pm]
bnut yeah
not a prank
they’re together
i’ll send over my google doc hold on
(attachment: ilya and shane timeline.doc)
it's insane
running to read it
androzanov [8:26pm]
guys wait
this is so dan and phil coded
omg it is
either way i hope this makes them happy
the league is notoriously homophobic
like
have u heard the shit crowell has said
hollanderspuck [8:28pm]
so what im hearing is we need to protect
them at all costs
wait
whats their ship name?
satanshockeypuck [8:30pm]
shilya?
no
ilane?
ew no.
wait
HOLLONOV
hollanderspuck changed the group chat name
✩°｡⋆ hollonov protection squad ⋆｡°✩
— — —
days had passed since ilya’s post, and his inbox was still overflowing with messages. his comment section, however, was something he was avoiding now due to the overwhelming fear of being rejected. sure, he was working on it with his therapist, but it was still hard for him to fathom feelings like that when his whole life had been full of rejection from those who were closest to him. he and shane were in the car, on the way back to the apartment when he realized more about what he was feeling.
“what’s wrong?”
ilya bit his lip before responding. “i feel… weird.”
“a good weird or a bad weird?”
he does what his therapist calls a body check at shane’s question. his chest doesn’t feel tight anymore, his shoulders feel relaxed. he feels a sense of calm flowing through him, like the feeling of needing to always be on guard had dissipated.
“i feel like.. like i can breathe.”
“yeah?” shane’s hand grabbed ilya’s, intertwining their fingers. “that’s good.”
“i feel as if i am normal now. no more hiding.”
“you don’t have to hide. not anymore.”
ilya swallowed. there was a stinging behind his eyes, but he elected to ignore it. he lets himself bask in the feelings; the fading fear of the world hating him, the pride and overwhelming gratitude he saw behind shane’s eyes. the realization that when he finally stopped pretending, the world kept spinning. everyone kept moving on. nothing stopped, nothing broke down. everything kept working like normal. except it wasn’t fully normal anymore, since his biggest secret was out. but he could exist just as he is with no fear- just relief sinking into his bones, like it was something he earned. he pulls shane’s hand closer to him, putting a kiss on the back of it like it was no big deal. the fact that he didn’t have to think about who might see hits him all over again. he could be himself. he could have this. a slow warmth filled his chest as he sat with those feelings.
“you know what is funny?” ilya waited for shane to glance over to him before continuing. “no undo button. the world knows about us now. there is no pretending now.”
“is that scary to you?”
the blond pauses for a second, thinking. “a year ago, maybe. now it just feels… like i crossed the ending line in a race i did not know was happening.”
all the moments where he had to hide his true feelings about shane flew through his mind. moments where he let people assume things about him because he didn’t want to open doors that he thought should stay shut. interviews where he laughed off his pain and hid how he felt with sarcasm, joking his way out of sincerity. the nights alone in his hotel rooms where all he wanted was shane, but he couldn’t have him. wanting so desperately to be with the person he loved so fiercely, but shutting himself down because they were “enemies”.
all of that effort to keep his image pristine when he didn’t need to protect a secret that wasn’t shameful in the first place.
“i spent so long thinking i was keeping myself safe,” he continued. “but really i was getting smaller.”
“you don’t look very small to me.”
ilya smiles, something soft and real tugging at his heartstrings. “that’s because you get to see all of me, hollander. you get the parts that the world does not get to see like you do.”
— — —
GROUP CHAT: ACTIVE
✩°｡⋆ hollonov protection squad ⋆｡°✩
satanshockeypuck [6:01am]
THEY CONFIRMED IT
THEYRE MARRIED
hollanderspuck [9:34am]
sierra why the fuck were you up at 6am
satansyhockeypuck [9:35am]
work :(
BUT LOOK
(attachment: instagram link)
— — —
Instagram — 1 New Post from: Shane Hollander
attached: 1 image.
@shanehollanderhockey: so happy to be married to my best friend. i love you, ilya ♡ @ilyarozanov81
liked by: yunahollander, haydenpike, davidhollander, ilyarozanov81 and 11k others.
— — —
androzanov [9:34am]
shut up they’re so cute
i’m obsessed with their love
when will it be my turn
hollanderspuck [9:36am]
you took the words right out of my mouth
ok so this is Real real
like
not an april fools prank?
holy shit
hollanderspuck [9:36am]
how much do u wanna bet if i comment one
of them will respond
satanshockeypuck [9:37am]
do it
hollanderspuck [9:38am]
bet
guys this is actually insane
im so happy for them
a real enemies to lovers :,)
androzanov [9:34am]
were they ever really enemies tho
satanshockeypuck [9:35am]
thats a good question
i vote no
androzanov [9:37am]
if they were actually together this whole time…
hollanderspuck [9:40am]
yeah that wasn’t hate fucking
that was love making
i feel like a proud younger sister bro
like
yes kings!!! tell the world how happy you are!
and fuck crowell too!
bc i know he’s gonna start shit!
hollanderspuck [9:45am]
we must grow our forces
androzanov [9:47am]
posting the tweet right now
— — —
ilya lets his gaze drift to the window, the view of the lake filling his line of sight as he runs his fingers through shane’s hair. he knows shane fell asleep simply from the way his breathing changed. he knows that out there in the world there were- no, are people who are judging both of them. he wasn’t naïve. it should make him want to bolt, want to go back into hiding. that’s what he was taught by his family. he needed to be a certain way, appear nice and put together. but the magic of it all was that while yes, he was unlearning that, appearing put together wasn’t all it was caked up to be. he wanted to show off his flaws. he wanted people to see who he was inside and out. as scary as it was, he was tired of hiding.
he was ready to be himself.
he was proud of himself. the admission itself was a tad bit overwhelming, but he knew he could work through it. he didn’t feel like he had to monitor himself anymore, or school his expression when shane walked into the room. he could be himself. he had never really associated pride with this part of himself, but he knew it was there now even if it was fragile. for the first time, the opinions of everyone else around him felt distance. like it was background noise instead of a threat.
he decided to hop on twitter while shane was still sleeping, smiling as he went through and liked some of the supporting tweets. sure, there were some trashing him but the outpour of support outweighed the weight of the words that hit him.
he lets out a long breath, the kind that empties him all the way. he curls closer, letting himself be in the moment without apology or calculation.
for the first time in his life, loving shane doesn’t feel like a risk.
it feels like coming home.
— — —
andromeda81 24 @androzanov
hey so like im so proud of @ilyarosanov81 and @shanehollander for posting their wedding pictures… feeling like a proud younger sibling fr
→ ♡ by @ilyarozanov81
lola81 21 24 @scottshattrick
my faves are the cutest btw, haters back off (attached: shaneandilya.jpg)
→ ♡ by @ilyarozanov81
justin @ZamboniTime
if ilya can get a hot hockey player for a husband…. i can get a hot hockey player for a husband
→ ♡ by @ilyarozanov81
rose81 24 5 @hollanderspuck
obsessed with how happy @ilyarosanov81 and @shanehollander are together… they really are so lucky
→ ♡ by @ilyarozanov81
→@ilyarosanov81: @hollanderspuck i am winner :)