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Aizawa was resting on his large bed when a voice that started slow and far away and ended next to him woke him up from his dreamless sleep.
“Aizawa-kun, you have to wake up.”
Without bothering to open his eyes, Aizawa clicked his tongue once he realized who was bothering him. “What do you want now?” He was exhausted, mind and body fatigued from the rollercoaster that was his life. He just wanted to rest but, of course, he couldn´t even have that.
He noticed that Toshinori was sitting leg-crossed on his side of the bed, looking as skinny and tall as always, once he gathered enough force to open his tired eyes. “I want you to wake up, it´s almost evening.” Aizawa was aware of that fact and spending the entire evening sleeping seemed like an activity much more appealing than leaving the bed.
Aizawa yawned and rubbed the sleep out of his dry eyes. His sight focused on the grey ceiling he woke up to every day while his mind contemplated the possibility of going back to sleep. So, without thinking much, he let words flood out his mouth. “Will you leave if I wake up?”
Instead of looking offended, Toshinori laughed with a soft voice. Aizawa simply stared him in silence while the man laughed so honestly. He has always loved his lover´s laugh, the powerful laugh that brought peace to people, the embarrassed kind of laugh that happened more frequently than the older man would like to admit, and the ones that were just like this one, soft, quiet, honest. It was a shame that Toshinori´s laughter died so soon. “If you want me to”
Aizawa slowly rose to a sitting position and scratched the back of his head. He was surprised that Toshinori hadn´t commented on his terrible bed hair. “How am I supposed to answer to that?”
Toshinori hummed for a while, thinking of what to say before something crossed his mind. “However you want. It is your department after all.”
Aizawa blinked a couple of times at the statement. Toshinori was right… but that didn´t mean he could simply kick out his lover because he wasn´t letting him sleep. “Right… my department.” They had been living together for quite a while so, sometimes, even he forgot that the apartment was under his name.
After stretching the sore muscles from his back, Aizawa finally stood up, task that had proven to be more difficult than he first thought. Meanwhile, Toshinori entertained himself staring at the many pieces of clothing that were scattered all over the floor. That was rather surprising. Toshinori turned to stare at his tired lover and say what was on his mind. “You know, you used to be way tidier than this. I don´t think I ever saw you drop your pants on the floor.”
“Whatever” Aizawa really didn’t need this kind of conversation.
“Would you like something to eat?” Aizawa asked in a lazy voice as he opened the fridge.
Toshinori almost felt sweat falling down his brow. It was a little too late to be having lunch or, in Aizawa´s case, breakfast. “Just tea, please”
Neither said anything for a while. Aizawa was resting his head on an arm, more interested in watching Toshinori than eating his own food. Or, at least, he did that until the weight of his stare became too much to handle for the older man. Toshinori put his mug down and partially covered his blushing face with one hand. “It´s a bit embarrassing to be stared at…”
Aizawa blinked in surprise. He hadn’t notice that he had been staring. “Ah… I´m sorry”
Toshinori quickly raised his free hand and started doing gestures as he talked faster than usual. “No, no, it´s ok! It´s just that I´m not very used to it since I usually was the one that… stared at-… you.” Toshinori´s voice became quieter the more he talked. His face became as red as an apple once he finished the sentence. He hadn´t meant to reveal that.
Aizawa could feel a faint blush growing on his cheeks so he tore his eyes away from Toshinori and looked at his untouched plate. He used his fork to toy with his food but never really brought anything to his mouth. Toshinori´s words had taken him by surprise. They left him thinking about many unnecessary things. He took a long sip of his coffee before he lifted his gaze. “I see…” When he looked at his lover´s eyes, he noted that the man had a more serious face. Oh no.
“Wake up”
Aizawa sighed in frustration and hid his head between his arms. Why does he have to mention that now? “Don´t wanna.”
“But you have to.”
He doesn’t need this bullshit right now. Why can´t Toshinori understand that? “Shut up” There was a warning in his annoyed voice. It would be better if Toshinori just stopped bothering him and stayed silent.
But Toshinori never was one to keep quiet. “You will do it, eventually.”
Aizawa stood up without an explanation. He glared at Toshinori but didn’t say anything to the man before he left the kitchen and walked to the balcony.
The night sky was awfully dark and quiet. There was no sound coming from the streets below or cold air hitting his face. It felt like nothingness.
Aizawa rested his arms on the balcony railing, closed his eyes and took a deep breath. The air tasted static, old, as if it had been contained in a locked room for too long. He didn’t have to wait long for awkward and large steps to approach him. Toshinori stood next to him and stared at him while Aizawa looked at the blackness in front of them. “I´m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”
Aizawa sighed and sunk a little more in his spot. “You have no reason to apologize. I am the one at fault here.” Toshinori simply hummed in answer, probably expecting for Aizawa to say something the man doesn’t want to acknowledge.
They fell in silence.
Both men stared at the nothingness while time passed at the slowest of speeds, so, so slow that it seemed as if time itself had stopped for them. But that couldn’t be. Time didn’t stop for anyone. Unless…
Aizawa heard Toshinori shift in place, but he still refused to look at him when said man began talking. “Shouta, I´m worried about you.” He wanted to believe that that was a lie but Toshinori´s warm tone of voice was full of concern and honesty. They hurt. His words hurt.
“You can´t be.” You no longer can.
Toshinori was left speechless for a moment. His voice was less confident when he spoke again. “Even if you said that… I still worry.” He hesitated a little at first but he still said what he had wanted to say since Shouta opened his eyes. “You have changed.”
Aizawa lazily ran his fingers through his hair and scratched his scalp with fake boredom. There was a knot in his throat and a bitter taste in the back of his mouth. His voice was restrained and his words tasted like iron when they rolled out of his mouth. “We all change after we lose someone important to us. You know that better than anybody, Toshinori.”
Toshinori sighed. It was a little bit disheartening that Shouta insisted in playing dumb. “Yes, I know but… You don´t even smile-”
A dry, bitter laugh left Aizawa´s lips. He sunk even more. It felt as if he had fallen into a pool of mud and was being slowly swallowed by the ground. That would have been better than hearing what Toshinori had to say. “Now you are just talking no sense.”
“No, I mean it!” Toshinori raised his voice and, immediately, Aizawa stopped laughing. “Please, don´t just dismiss what´s going on, how you feel or what I´m trying to tell you...” Toshinori took one last deep, shaky breath. “You know I will always remember every single one of your smiles… but now it feels like they all died with me… and I don´t want you to keep torturing yourself because of me.”
It´s easy for you to say that
“I just want you to be happy again because…”
Shut up
“Shouta, I-”
Just shut up
“I…”
I told you to…
“I love you”
Aizawa gritted his teeth to the point his jaw hurt and his eyes burned. His hands were shaking and his throat was dry, but he still put all of his effort in turning around and facing a truth he had tried so hard to deny. “Toshinori I-“
Aizawa opened his tired eyes to the same grey ceiling he woke up to every day in a bed that was too big for one person. He blinked once and extended a hand to the other side of the bed. It was cold. It was empty. Nothing had changed. He was gone. Aizawa took a deep, shaky breath and lifted his gaze to the digital clock on his night stand.
It was almost evening.