Work Text:
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// "The worst type of hate, is my love."
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Zaid hated him..
He hated him.
He'd do anything to show that he hated him, that he was better, that be could be better then that arrogant, bitxhy, mathematician. To avenge his family, who he's insulted countless of times. To avenge his masculinity, his dignity. To defend Ivy, now.. Ivy wasn't here.
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It been a few days since Ivy's elimination. Zaid wasn't taking it well. Ivy was always so kind to him, always so sweet. He loved her, loved reassuring her, being beside her.. Now, he was here without her. It made him feel angry. Anger. Anger towards everyone and everything he'd ever met. Even ivy herself.
Zaid was a kind person. Always, no matter the circumstances. He would always choose what he thought was right. Even if it killed him inside to do so, and now, he's paying for it. Like he always did. Benji and Hannah betrayed him. Betrayed Ivy. They could have made it so far..
Zaids fist clenched uncomfortably, he had to remind himself to loosen it. His mama used to teach him all about how to keep his anger in check. Despite Zaids kind additude and compassionate nature, he lit off a fuse easily. He remembered the lessons with his mama, the gentle palm touches, the breathing in and out, feeling safe. He wish he could have his mom right beside him, telling him all the steps, just like when he was a kid.
He was sitting on a stump by a forestry part of the red team's side of the camp. The night was dark, primal. There was a full moon out, It was pretty. He wished he could be away, far in the sky. Deep in the stars.
No one would care if he got mad. He wouldn't have to hold onto good morals or a deceptive plauge of his own kindness. He could unleash his anger without fear of consequence. How could someone, ANYONE, Be unappreciative at the ability to do something like that? All the chef ever wished for was that ability. To let himself go, bring his walls down.
So did he.
"Hmm.. I suppose the most recent elimination doesn't have you fairing too well, does it?"
A ironic show up. A familiar voice.
The lanky, pale, black haired man emerged from the shadows of nature. Snickering to himself as Zaid turned his head with a bewildered expression. Spencer laughed, his black eye had healed significantly since when he got it. His hair was disheveled.. He didn't look as composed as he normally did. Something was clearly off, but it didn't make him any less insufferable.
"Wow. Perfect timing, bravo! Seeing you is just what I needed."
The chef had fully turned around by this point, crossing his arms in his already fuming annoyance. His voice dripped with his sarcasm, it was clear he wasn't in a cheery mood. Spencer had seemed to pick up on it almost immediately. Maybe Zaid didn't have the right to speak on Spencer's off composure.
"Could you have came at a worse time? What do you want, Spencer?"
His tone wasn't kind, why would it be? Spencer was the most insufferable person Zaid has ever met. He was arrogant, and annoying, and petty, and egotistical, and disrespectful.. He could go on. There was not a single positive trait Zaid could think of that fit spencer. Not, one.
Spencer put his hands on his chest, feigning hurt. Looking at the sous chef with a mocking, condescending stare.
"Lashing out on me for checking on you? How rude."
Spencer spoke, sitting down on the log next to Zaid. His tone marked with amusement. He clearly loved teasing Zaid, getting a negative reaction from him.. Or any reaction for that matter. He crossed his legs elegantly, looking at the taller man with an insufferable look.
Zaid wanted to strangle him, not that he ever would, but he wanted to. The chef had never met someone so capable of making him angry before. He used to get angry over more common things, mistakes, messes, arguments.. But, it seemed the other males presence was enough to piss him off.
"I'm not lashing out at you! And your not checking up on me. This is probably for one of your- your plans or somethin!!"
Zaid yelled, poking the mathematicians chest for emphasis. When he saw Spencer laugh at him, he realized all he wanted was a reaction out of him. The chef calmed down, but the tension in his body was still palpable.
On the other hand, Spencer was enjoying this more then Zaids sister enjoyed being stubborn. Which was a lot. The male completely mixed up Zaid's emotions. How could someone be all happy while insulting others? It was that, that made Zaid hate him.
".. So could you just go? Go hating on someone somewhere else? Leave a guy alone for more then two seconds?"
Zaid hissed softly, his tone tired from everything that happened to him in the recent. He just wanted Spencer to leave him alone, but it didn't seem he would. It didn't take a astronaut to tell Spencer was trying to get information on the other team, but.. Why go to him? Did he think he could convince ZAID to give him information?? He was surly wrong about that. Spencer just laid down beside him, grinning ear to ear.
"I don't have anywhere else to be right now, that's to bad!"
He got more comfortable in his laying spot, pushing the rocks and sticks out of the way. His black hair was pushed back against the grass floor, slightly messed up. He paused to snicker, before continuing on with his sentence.
"So.... tell me Zaid. What exactly happened durring Ivy's elimination? Any backstabs... Betrayals?! Run me through the details."
"Your not being subtle, y'know?"
"I don't have to be."
"I thought good strategists hid their plans."
Spencer gave him a small annoyed expression. Dissaproving of his misinformation. He rolled his eyes, sitting up straight.
"Look, strategy comes in all shapes and sizes, if you cannot accept that—"
Zaid shuffled up too, adjusting his chefs outfit as he did so, he needed something to distract himself. The British males voice was ringing in his ears the more he heard it. It was just so.. Alluring, and interesting. Zaid hated that he wanted to listen to him talk. Even if it was arguing. Especially if it was arguing. It gave Zaid an excuse to listen to him.
"Shut it, spencer. I don't care."
He said, harsh. Harsher then attended, maybe he really was a monster. Maybe he really wanted to hurt others. It made the chef glance at his hands, a small pause.
A pause.
Was this really who be was?
"Look, I don't want you here,"
A lie. He was full of lies.
"So is their somethin you want from me? Why, are, you, here?!"
Spencer's body visibly softened at the question. Zaid was puzzled. How could such a horrible, disgusting, person look so vulnerable. So unbelievably pathetic. A switch in just second, it was almost unreal. They were talking, even if it wasn't civil, they were talking. The pale skined man sighed, his eyes glancing away from Zaid.
"... If you wish for the truth, I just want someone to.. NOT despise right now."
Zaid laughed at that response, a small, low, laugh. He wasn't happy, he was just shocked, so shocked it was amusing to him. Spencer acting as if hating evreyone and everything was a choice. Spencer acting as if HE was the victim. He wasn't. He wasn't. That's what Zaid told himself in his head. Not because it was necessarily true, but it's because that's what he wanted to believe. He wasn't. He wasn't. Zaid wasn't a bad person. His hate and anger didn't make him a bad person. Spencer deserved it, didn't he?
"Spencer, getting mad at others because your mean to them? Why aren't I surprised."
He said sarcastically, trying to take his mind off the swirling thoughts in his brain. How evreyone was brought back in his thoughts so clear. Like it was all he ever wanted. He wanted to be real close to Spencer, tell him everything he hated about him. He wanted Spencer to hate him too, but.. Real close. Close where they could understand each other. Get angry at each other. Where Zaid could feel the putrid cold of his body, rotting on the inside and leaving him completly void of any good. Zaid could hate him, whenever he wanted, wherever he wanted. Hold his hand, talk by the Meadows, cook for for him. And he would still hate him. Because Spencer, Is a horrible, horrible person. They could love hating each other. It was everything Zaid has ever wanted.
"But.. If your being honest, even if its trash... I'll do the same. Im here, because I want someone to hate. Really, hate. But I don't wanna do it to folks who don't deserve it."
Spencers eyes suddenly widened, before a crude smile came onto his face. It was like Spencers body was aching for bad comments, hate, closeness. Zaid thought about how It must have been to be Spencer, alone. Always hated, always avoided, always alone. Sitting alone, watching jade and Isabel talk.. Alone, switching the way of the votes, alone.
Dragging his empty, dull, tired, bewitched, rude, ugly, disgusting, pitiful,. heartbreaking, infuriating,. loving,.caring,.. scared,.. frightened,...lonely,... heart.
alone.
Zaid hated Spencer. Zaid would never stop, hating Spencer.
"What's this, hmmm.? Asking me for something perhaps?"
Zaid looked at Spencer with a quick look of hatred and bewilderment. Zaid could never need Spencer, Zaid could never ask him for anything. Besides to maybe go away, and stop ordering a side of disrespect with evrey english breakfast he decided to eat.
"I don't want anythin from ya."
Spencer then gave him a sinster look.
"You need me to insult your folks back home to get you to do it?"
...
Zaid's family.
Zaid's family loves him.
Zaid's family would be so disappointed if they saw him like this.
But, he couldn't stop himself, without his control, he felt his body jump ontop of spencers in a rare act of violence. Spencer must have not expected it, as he shrieked quietly and groaned once he hit the hard, grass, floor. His hair plunged around him, becoming more messed up around the edges as Zaid held him down. His expression a look of mild shock and defense, did he think Zaid was going to hurt him?
Zaid hated him as his hands wrapped around the mathematicians arms. Feeling the cold flesh under his jacket, looking into his eyes.. Green and striking, his hair.. Messy yet kept well in a way that was so.. Him. Zaid hated him. Zaid wanted to hate Spencer to the fullest extent. Feel his body close, feel him everywhere, so he could experience what it would be like to despise someone fully, every part of them. Learn about them, evrey detail. Listen when they cry, savior evrey momment. Kiss them, sweetly,roughly? Didn't matter.
Hating the fact you love someone.
Hate.
It was the worst hate of all.
Zaid looked at the man in an awkward silence for several moments. Maybe his anger drove him into this, but he was starting to feel something else he'd never felt with Ivy. Something so captivating, where he wanted to explore someone to the fullest, fully understand them. He only wanted to love ivy.
This, was much, much different.
Zaid leaned himself down, having to stretch out his legs to do so, as he was taller. He felt the cold grass wrap around his clothing, he felt himself slightly sink into the ground. Suddenly, everything felt easy, and way too overwhelming. Spencer had understood the message, and had wrapped both of his arms around the chef. They were comforting.. Maybe it was the fact Zaid loved to see the fact he could make Spencer so weak.. Or maybe the fact Spencer had years of experience with the whole romance thing.
Romance..? Zaid was cheating.
Ivy.
The thought glimpsed his mind, but weirdly.. He didn't seem to care. Maybe he really was a monster, in the moment, he couldn't get himself to feel as if he was anything but. He was horrible, maybe, he and Spencer were alike after all. They were both bad people, who hated in different ways.
But one thing was for certain, they'd much rather hate than be alone.
"Spence?"
The chef called one last time, it was an ask. Hollow. He knew the answer snyway.
"Yes?"
He took a breath in, as if this question would be the hardest thing he'd ever have to admit out loud, feel. But.. Once you accept it, it could be so, so beautiful.
"Can I?"
"can you what?"
"Yknow what I'm tryin to say."
"I want to hear it from you. "
The nerd grinned arrogantly. Zaid hated that smile, he wanted to destroy it. It wasn't even a real smile,it was a front. They both knew it.
"I, want.. To kiss you."
The worlds felt disgusting coming out of his mouth. His momma would be so dissapointed in him. How could his mom ever love a chef like him? A angry, hypocrite, cheating chef who held grudges for no apparent reason.
Ivy didn't love him, Ivy loved a fake him.
Spencer loved the real him.
Spencer loved the real him when he felt the temperature of his body rise, his hand twitched nervously once or twice. Spencer loved the real him when his hands moved to Zaids shoulders hesitantly. Wondering if he should make this decision. Looking into his eyes, he new exactly what he felt. The competition between morals, walls, and your own happiness. Then, it was clear what he chosen.
Despite being so cold and harsh on the outside.
He was so warm.
Zaid felt Spencer close in a way he would have never imagined feeling him before. He smelt fresh, like pages of documents, outside on a sunny afternoon, as his taste tanged with fresh coffee. It was something Zaid could have never imaged, never even pictured. And as a chef, that was rare.
Zaid let himself relax as he kissed Spencer, Spencer was gentle, he didn't expect that either. It seems there was a lot he didn't know about Spencer. That just made him more eager to explore him deeper..Really understand everything he truely hated him for. Because Zaid hated him.
Zaid's hand slowly landed on the dip between his neck and shoulder, curling around the smooth pale skin. His other hand stayed on the man's face, enjoying the warmth that spread through him and their connection.
He knew what he was doing was wrong. He knew it.
Spencer has a way of being cruel, and making others cruel. He'd fallen for him, and now he paid the price. The price of shivering as Spencer's arms tightened around him, pulling away from the kiss for a few seconds, before quickly bringing himself back to their shared animosity. Zaid felt himself squirm a bit at the contact, his face red and hair messed up. He didn't care about being nice, looking nice, all he wanted was Spencer's hate. Vulnerable, vulnerable hate. He could imagine Ivy's face when she finds out about this, distorted with screams from his parents in the background. Which Zaid painfully tightened his grip on Spencer's shoulder to forget.
He didn't have to think. He didn't have to think about consequences, or bent morals. Don't remember. He didn't have to remember anything either. Spencer had the power to be the only thing on someone's mind. Zaid relished in it. Don't remember how Ivy trusted you, don't remember about Tristan being the most supportive person of your relationship, don't remember snapping at Benji, don't remeber 20 seconds ago before the mathematician made the decision.
Don't remember.
Block it all out, don't remember.
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