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Keith swung back another shot, desperate to wash away the feelings that were concentrated inside him. His gaze never left them. Like a magnet, he followed Lance and Allura around the room, Lance’s arm grazed hers while he guided her to a corner far away from the bar. His eyes didn’t dare waver even when Allura showed him her smile, not the smile she displayed to many leaders while trying to gain alliances, nor the smile she offered when the team needed a warming gaze, but the smile she reserved for Lance. Keith was intimately familiar with this smile because it matched his own any time Lance would so much as come near him. It’s an emotion-filled gaze that causes Allura’s eyes to glisten like stars, matched with the smile that encompasses so much affection. It held every word that she is unable to express. Keith wondered how Lance could ever be so foolish to not know how either of them felt about him while they looked at him like that.
He was tired of the endless torture, so he finally turned away, back to his row of shots and took another, just for good measure. Taking a break, he glanced down at his phone showing the time 3:00 am. The team had been here for 2 hours now, the liveliness of the bar never dying down. It may be due to being away from home for two years that sparked the idea for a midnight getaway to the bar. Nevertheless, it was nice to relax. To forget - even if only for a while - that they had literally disappeared off the face of the earth with nobody knowing where they are. This fact never really bothered Kieth; he had been alone all that while, so nobody knew him or missed him. He knew it wasn’t the same for Hunk, Lance, or Pidge. He had seen it in their glances while looking at the hologram map Coran had shown them a few days prior. His endless hand movement to show that Earth was ‘here’, and they were a million light-years away, all the way ‘here’. That’s why Keith had suggested this outing, and everyone agreed without question.
He had started to regret that suggestion while kicking back another shot; his home was here on the ship with the love of his life and what he considered his family. He just wanted the best for all of them…
“Hey, Mullet what are you doing?” A voice that was on his left… no, his right pulled him out of his thoughts. The blurry face was unmistakable yet still felt unfamiliar; however, the nickname meant he could pick out who it was in a heartbeat.
“Nothing Lance. Are you done flirting?” He asked, shaking his head, trying to sober up, even a little. “Well, I can’t keep this charm all to myself, can I?” Lance sang back with a simple grin that Keith loved so much. “I guess you can’t,” he slurred back before turning away from Lance to get the bartender’s attention. The dimly lit bar with neon lights did nothing for his sight, but it did add a mystical feel to it all. It felt like he was floating, and there was no stopping what he would accomplish with the temptation of the night. He could vaguely hear someone calling his name, but the sound was washed out with the rest of the music blaring into his other ear.
“Keith! Keith! Earth to Mullet!? I see… you’re just drunk! I think it’s time to get the mullet head back to the ship!” Lance began to put his arm underneath Keith to haul him over. Keith protested most of the way before giving in. “No throwing up, Okay? I can’t stand the smell.” he chuckled to himself. Turning at the doorway to make the trek down the long hallway. Keith’s weight shifted constantly, wiggling in Lance's embrace. One hand was on his waist, and the other hand wrapped over his shoulder; every part of his body that Lance touched burned, only encouraging his feelings a little more. One look at Lance's side profile and he was done for. From the sharp edge of his jawline to the slight roundness of his nose, he loved it all, committing it to memory with every step he took.
Suddenly, Lance turned to him with a forlorn look. “I can’t believe I left Allura standing alone just to take you to your room! Did you see her Keith? She looked beautiful-” Lance lulled on with earnest eyes that Keith knew would never be directed at him. “Let’s not forget her hair! I think I finally got to her with my remarks I swear I saw a blush!” Keith winced at those lines. He couldn’t help it. What else was he supposed to do, hearing someone he had sought after for years talking about someone else with such fondness. Such love? Lance had so much love to give, he could only dream of being someone on the receiving end of it, even if it wasn’t romantic.
“Lance stop. I get it. I have a headache; I will just go back to my room.” Keith mumbled out, awkwardly and abruptly stopping Lance's giddy swooning. The pain never left his chest. He knew this was what happened with unrequited love, but it didn’t make the gnawing pain subside. It didn’t allow him relief when Lance turned to him with no disappointment at Keith wanting to leave his side.
“Oh okay, I am going back to finish wooing Allura! Wish me luck mullet!” Lance exclaimed, barely sparing Keith a glance.
He had had enough of Lance and his never-ending talk about Allura and no talk about him. Keith thought he had been good. He had taken the beaten-up analogy of being a ‘lone wolf’ and tried to evolve past it. He had expanded his presence within the team by being involved, trying to bond. Keith had tried to create what he never found on earth, what he could never have on earth: a family. It was working but, with lance it was different. It was an upwards battle to acceptation and caring. At every turn Keith felt an innate instinct telling him to run all whilst his developing feelings chased after him like a hunter. He was measly prey in the eyes of love, destined to fall headfirst into being in love with Lance. To keep that at bay whilst Lance just ignored his efforts of mere friendship was exhausting. He tried anyway. He really had been good. Only someone who has been through the exact same thing as Allura could understand her longing looks at Lance and it annoyed Keith to no ed that Lance couldn’t see it.
Was Lance just hat blind, ‘She’s in love with you, dumbass,’ he thought before turning away into his room, ready to forget the night and all his languishing.
“What did you just say?” Lance spoke, turning Keith back around.
“What did you say Mullet?” He raised his tone whilst drawing in closer to Keith. “What did you just say? Did you insult my flirting skills again!” Lance began to scream, arms flailing around. He was angry.
“I know everyone sees me as just this stupid flirt, but I am putting my heart on the line! She may reject me!” he took a pause panting for air.
“Well in fact she does reject me! Every single damn time but all I want is to be is seen! I want her to truly know me and see me before she throws me out like everyone else! I know sometimes my love can be reckless and foolish, but it doesn't mean I am a total idiot! It doesn't mean that the insults don’t get to me even if I look like I ignore them! I might not be funny, but I have something to offer!” he finished, chest heaving up and down.
Keith knew the anguish Lance was talking about, alas he felt the same way towards him. Unlike Keith, and all his reckless love, Lance has a chance to make all his love known and seen to the person of his desires. Unlike Keith, Lance is loved back and he should know this. How can he not know this?
“You know what!” Keith snapped back, sobering with his rising anger.
“What mullet?”
“You’re stupid, you don’t show her the real you so how are she going to get to know you. Show her how kind and loving you are! Show her that you remember the little things! Show her that there is more behind that stupid grin of yours! She can’t tell if you’re serious, but she likes you too. In fact, she loves you! Despite all this she loves you! I lo-”
He was getting so worked up that he nearly let himself ruin things. Looking back up, he was met with a bewildered face.
The only light source in the hallway was coming from the light just above Keith’s door, illuminating this intimate moment. Almost as if there would be no spectators to this quarrel, like it never happened.
Keith couldn’t shake the pure joy that flashed over Lance's face in a matter of minutes; he could feel the genuine warmth radiating from him in excitement. Just to be sure, Keith repeated himself; he needed this back-and-forth about Allura to be over for good.
“She loves you,” he whispered, putting his hand on Lance’s face, cupping it softly. This would be the last time he would be this close to Lance without arguing. He wanted to savour every inhale - in which Lance's hair would lie, curls coming into fruition as it grew longer - and exhale; in which he could feel Lance's body genuinely relax for the first time since on this castle ship. Without a second thought, Keith rose to the occasion, filling the silence, if he was going to ruin everything, let it be now…
“I like you,” Keith whispered. Those three words filled the hallway up, suffocating the intimate moment with reckless affection.
Lance’s face was warm and calming to touch before the words had tumbles out. Now it his face began to contort with wrinkles. Keith hated when it did that. He loved Lance’s face, and he most of all loved how expressive it could be. His eyes held every answer you asked of him, and he could never lie. But even in this dim lighting, Keith could tell that something was wrong with his face. He must have said something besides just confessing his feelings in his drunken stupidity. Something so utterly wrong to make Lance contort his face. “Sorry, I-” Keith added, not even sure what he was apologising for.
What are feelings apart from things you cannot control?
What was so wrong with his feelings that it would make Lance… mad? Keith began to caress the wrinkles in Lance’s face before he was slapped away and shoved into his room.
“Keith, please…please don’t do this,” Lance huffed out before turning away and shutting the door to Keith's room.
What did he do that was so wrong? Was it that bad to be loved by Keith? Was Lance afraid he would end up like Keith’s Dad (who is dead), or Keith’s mum (who left him), or Shiro (who risked it all for Keith and paid a price)?
Maybe the common denominator was that they were loved by Keith. Maybe it was wrong to be loved by him. It didn’t matter so much in the moment as his eyelids began to weigh on his face, surrendering to the warriors of sleep.
He woke up to a feeling churning at him just before it manifested as vomit into his bathroom toilet. His head span with thoughts and ideas that were all messily scattered and half-finished. Clutching his head, he walked towards the kitchen to get water, assuming everyone also would have felt the same way. Keith was met in the kitchen with the other paladins bawling over in various ways. Shiro was off to the side, trying to act like it was all okay but Keith knew the quirk of his brow meant he was irritated with the pain he was in. Pidge and Hunk were leaning against each other, contemplating what to do about their throbbing heads. Keith assumed something in Altaian genetics prevented them from getting sick because they were the only ones who didn't look plagued by pain. Them and well…Lance.
Lance had taken his usual spot on the table, opposite Keith, and looked so deep in thought that when Keith had sat down, he startled. “What?” he retorted at the piercing stare Lance had given him. Without a word, Lance got up and walked away. This wasn’t so out of character a few months back when even the mere sight of each other sent them into an argument. Yet, it had been months since then. They weren't always the best of friends, or they weren't ever friends, but he had thought that they had finally grown accustomed to each other at least. He was wrong.
Now weeks had passed since Lance and him had spoken. It seemed time waited for no man, not even Keith as the silence grew to surround their conversations. Keith was familiar with silence and being ignored; he had been on his own for years in that dessert with nothing but the memory of people and emotions. However, this was different. The silence gnawed at him slowly, achingly tugging at the emotions he thought he had left behind. The only way he sought to combat this was to do what he normally did: run. That’s how Keith had ended up slowly but surely taking on countless Blades of Marmora missions. He didn’t think anyone would notice, not with the coalition effort going so smoothly. Lately, his brooding and dark glances weren’t needed anymore. He wasn’t needed anymore, so what was one more trip to the Blades of Marmora base?
“Keith!” Shiro had shouted out for him as he came down from his fighter jet one day.
“What is it Shiro I need to shower” Keith mumbled
“We need to talk.”
The phrase was ominous and left no room for questioning, and Keith frankly was too tired to question it, so he followed Shiro.
“Hi” Shiro had said once his room door had slid shut.
Keith nodded in acknowledgement. How long had it been now since he had seen Shiro? Days? or had it been Weeks? He is not sure, but the silence speaks for itself, it’s been too long.
“How have you been?” Shiro placates.
The walls of Shiro’s surrounded him in a cocoon of metal and plaster. It was just them now, leaving the weight of the universe behind them.
“Okay.” He replied, this time only to fill the room with something.
Shiro met his answer with a knowing look. “You…you haven’t been around for some time now. Is it something to do with what happened when we last went out?” He pressed knowing that Keith couldn’t answer with words, he was never good at speaking. “I will take that as a yes” he continued.
“I am fine Shiro” Keith spoke whilst looking around, seeking refuge from Shiro’s knowing eyes.
“You’re a lone wolf I get it; you’ve found out that you are Galra, you have gone on more battles than I can count, you’re exploring and finding yourself. But you’re still part of Voltron”
“Sure Shiro” His eyes darted to the other side of the room once more.
“Keith look at me. You are a part of Voltron, and we are a team”
“A team, yeah”
When Keiths eyes landed on Shiro again he was met with lines between his brows and the roughness at which he tugged at his hair in frustration.
“Keith, I know things have been intense lately but you’re not helping by refusing to cooperate or blatantly running away. I just want to know what’s going on.” Shiro moved towards Keith, closing the distance and making it all seem too real.
“Nothing’s wrong Shiro, I’m just being how I usually am,” he said, looking away again sighing in resignation.
The reason Keith had come back this time was because of Shiro’s proposition to the Blade of Marmora to reclaim 1/3 of the Galra empire by taking down Naxzela. Keith has been sent to help and be the communications between the two teams.
“No. Usually you’re hot headed but you come together when needed. Usually, you help make concise decisions even if I think they are rash. Usually, you’re putting up a wall that tumbles down if Lance smiles at you! So, tell me what is going on!”
The last line holds all of Keith at gunpoint, ‘He knew’
“Yes! You heard me correctly, Of course I knew! I of all people can tell Keith.” It was true that before Shiro had been captured he could read Keith like a book, a skill that was hard to master. Yet, to be read so openly and plainly like it was common knowledge was jarring.
“Okay… if you know then why are you asking! You know I like him, and he doesn’t like me. So, what!” Keith bit back in equal anger now.
“Why has it come to you both not making eye contact and you running away?” his voice softening.
It was irritating how calm Shiro was. “I don’t know...” he whispered honestly. Because he didn’t know why it had come to Lance going back to mean insults and excluding him as a friend.
‘Is it that horrible to be loved by me?’ Was a line that swam in Keith’s brain with every interaction between the two that resulted in nothing but silence.
“Shiro, just drop it. We are going to defeat the Galra soon and then go back to earth. Order will be restored and we can forget I ever had feelings for him. He will just as easily forget me.” Keith shot up, startling Shiro, and walked back to his room. He didn’t need to hear anything else; they just needed to finish their mission and part ways for good.
To be loved by Keith was to be cursed.
Naxzela’s reclaiming efforts were started shortly after Keith’s conversation with Shiro. There wasn’t time to dwell over what Shiro said or reconcile with Lance when there was a war to be won.
Coran announces as the castle approaches Naxzela signalling Voltron’s decent into the planet whilst Keith was seated in his fighter jet away from the team.
“Keith, can you hear me? We just lan-, something do— seem. Hello?” Shiro words came disjointed over the intercom.
“I’m here and I have the rebel squad with me, just tell me what you need me to do,” he replied.
“Don- c- near. We a- tra-!” Shiro spoke again in panic though it wasn’t clear as to what.
Mumbled chanting drifted into his ear shot only to escalate into an obnoxious loud noise that could only be one person: Hagar. From the little window on the Galra battle cruiser Keith could see Hagars small form swaying in the rhythm of the chanting. Purple light encompassed the planet capturing Voltron inside cutting off any communication Keith had with them.
“Come in Coran. What is going on?” He spoke into the intercom
“It is the Ritual my boy. Haggar has come to destroy the planet and Voltron along with it!” Coran supplied.
Keith’s system immediately went into hyperdrive. This couldn’t be it, not like this, they can’t go out like this. His heart began to press against his lungs snatching all his breath away. Coran’s were met by rapid breaths of panic. This was the closest thing to a family he loved them in his own twisted way. ‘It must be a curse to be loved by me’ the thought soothed Keith’s open wounds of sorrow and reminded him of where he was.
“Coran what do we do? How do we save them?” His questions were cut with sharp inhales of air.
“I’m not too sure. There seems to be a magnetic core to the planet that drags you into the shield so don’t get too close"
“How are we going to get through when we can’t get close enough for us to use anything to hack the system?” Matt announced over the comms.
Keith had forgotten Matt was there. The rebel’s team were to be led by Keith on this mission; some kid who had lived in a dessert most of his life, some kid who just wanted to save those he loved. He guesses Matt and him were the same in that way.
“If Haggar is performing the ritual we only have a small window of time before the planet is destroyed for good” Coran added in clumsy haste.
They have been in situations like this 100 times since leaving Earth, but this time felt different. A feeling Keith couldn’t shake since he had left the Castle. “I’m not the brains of these operations. I carry out orders; someone tell me what to do!” It was a rash outburst, but Keith couldn’t help his childish begging for answers.
Matt, added something in the same brash way, “Well, you should try charging at it if you’re all brawn and no thoughts!” It was a crude remark but so was war. Everyone grimaced at the comment over the radio.
“Wait no, I think our boy here is onto something!” Coran lit up
“You would need to escape your fighter jet immediately, but it would fracture the barrier enough to allow any other attack to break it!” someone from the rebel group added as she began fiddling with her fingers. They were doing it again, trying to make the impossible possible with calculations and theory.
“How dangerous is that in practice?” Matt asked, trying and failing to mask his concern.
“Somewhat dangerous. I can’t guarantee full survival, but it’s also extremely effective and probably next to the only chance we have,” The rebel girl announced. “What do you guys think?”
Keith watched as everyone’s face changed with varying emotions. That was when the intercom had popped up again for Voltron. They were all around the screen as Shiro had begun shouting “-Can’t do it Keith!”
“I am guessing you heard all our plans, and we seem to think this is the most viable option” Matt filled them in.
Lance was the next one to then speak up from the Paladins “If Mullet is up to it then I say we do it!” Allura nodded in strong agreement. He hadn’t heard Lance call him Mullet in what felt like years; Lance hadn’t even called out for him in so long it felt foreign hearing what he used to be so accustomed to.
“Out of the questions, what do you mean can’t guarantee full survival!” Hunk tried to gesture with his hands, but he couldn’t get his words out before the comms cut them off again.
“Everything we do isn’t guaranteed Hunk, but it depends on Keith,” Matt announced.
“What are the chances of survival if I don’t eject?” Keith redirected the question back at the rebel team.
“Zero,” Pidge answered matter-of-factly for them.
“I’ll do it.” Keith spoke with conviction. Out of everything that has happened in this past month, he has never been so sure. All that was running through his head was that this was somehow all his fault and he had to make it right. He would be gone, but he would be remembered kindly. That night at the party Keith had accidnetly poured his heart out. The heart he kept so gated was made bare without consent. He kept his longing to himself so he couldn’t lose someone else, but he did. He lost the person he treasured the most on this stupid ship. It wasn’t like he held the group together; he knew perfectly well that they could survive without him. They had done it before. He knew perfectly well that Lance didn’t want him anymore, not as a friend or a teammate. Keith could feel it; his time of happiness was up, and he didn’t even know that he had caused it that faithful night.
“Okay let’s do this! Matt and the rebels move the Galra ships away from the centre. Coran be ready to extract Voltron out of the planet when Keith crashes into it. And Keith…” Shiro wavered from his commanding voice, only for a second, but it was enough.
“Don’t worry, I’ve got this,” Keith assured.
“Go when you feel it’s right and please… please eject.”
The plan was set and ready to be executed. There was no turning back from the choices made, and Keith was ready for this to be over. Everyone followed Shiro’s instruction to the letter - the years at war had turned them into soldiers. Nothing less could be expected of them. When the time was right, he was given the go from Coran on the intercom. ‘It was now or never,’ he thought before composing himself.
Keith went in for the dive. He wasn’t far enough from the barrier that he could think of anything elaborate as the collision happened, but he wasn’t close enough that he couldn’t think at all.
It was only fleeting thoughts of “How did we all get here?’ and “Who would think we were just kids in this whole mess?’ landing on the question of ‘When did it go wrong?’
The answer to the last question led him back to that night. The night in which he held Lance’s face and confessed the worst thing imaginable.
“Keith remember to eject when close” Shiro stated shakily over the intercom.
He increased the speed, diving in. He hoped Shiro wouldn’t be too angry with him gone. Maybe it would be less work for him so he wouldn’t have to look after Keith when the war was over.
“Keith eject right now!”
“I’ve got to do this Shiro it’s the best chance we have!” He screamed back. With that final word, he turned off the communication, cutting off elaborate pleas from the other paladins. He dove into the barrier like he had practiced many times before this was no different from the Garisson or the castle. It was muscle memory for him. When he had struck the barrier, he knew immediately that he had done what he was made to do. His heart trembled in his chest flooding his ear drums. He couldn’t hear anything and was met with silence, the same silence that had become commonplace after that night. A spread of light broke amid space, opening the Galra’s defence. It was beautiful. It was so bright. It was... blue.
The same familiar blue that matched the sea near Cuba that Lance always described. The same incessant blue that haunted his dreams at night. Most of all, it was the same bright blue as his eyes. Big, bright, bold, and oh so stunning. Keith couldn’t help but smile at the irony of it all. The battle cruiser had started to blare out warning signals, but it was overshadowed his slowing heart and clumsy limbs flailing around the controls. He held on as best as he could, steeling in his seat. He knew his fate was this. He was born to die for him, and him alone. He would wipe the world of his curse and pave the way for freedom. Nobody would be damned to be loved by him anymore. The paladins could return to their homes, and the world would be able to get to know the true lance.
His lance.