Chapter Text
Playing superheroes was fun.
Even though, admittedly, Kenny usually preferred dressing up as a medieval princess, he was enjoying the return of Mysterion a lot more than he was expecting. They've been playing for weeks at this point — probably the longest campaign of any game they've ever had, and it seemed like it was going to get even longer, judging by how their little superhero Civil War was going.
They were currently all out on the street again, fighting in front of Tolkien's house. The Freedom Pals were just getting out of a meeting when Cartman and his posse ambushed them out of nowhere, right in front of their base. It was a low move, even for those assholes, but it's not like Kenny was complaining. Turns out he really liked running around in his underwear and getting to punch his friends.
Well... most of the time, that is.
"Ugh, you are SUCH an asshole! I don't know how I ever thought I could count on you for anything!"
"Oh, fuck off. At least I'm not a childish, hysterical spaz."
Unsurprisingly, Tweek and Craig were back to their usual lovers' quarrel. Ever since they broke up a few weeks ago, all fights between Coon and Friends and the Freedom Pals were accompanied by a screaming match as background noise.
It was a daily ritual at this point – Coon and Friends would show up, they would all fight, Craig and Tweek's arguing would get progressively louder and louder to the point where no one could stay in character anymore, and they would all go home.
It's not like their arguments were part of the roleplay either. Sure, it might have originally started because of their silly superhero franchises, but hearing the way they talked to each other during these fights... really makes it seem like a break up for South Park's favorite couple was long overdue.
"I'm childish?! Y–You’re the one who, ngh, chose your dumb superhero movies over me! We were supposed to be a team, dickhead, but you just couldn't help being a selfish jerk!"
If you asked Kenny, Tweek was completely justified in, well, tweaking out. Craig was being a total dick, even more so than usual. Who the hell would willingly choose to hang out with Eric Cartman over their own boyfriend? Still, hearing them argue about this everyday got old fast.
As the yelling continued in the background, Kenny heard Toolshed's familiar footsteps approaching him.
"...Are they really still at it?"
He looked pretty rough – his nose was bleeding, and he had several purple bruises staining his arms and neck. It made sense, considering he was fighting Scott and Jimmy by himself earlier, but the sight of it still made Kenny wince a little.
"Yup." he replied in his usual Mysterion voice, popping the 'P' in a way that came off as more exasperated than he meant it to.
"Someone should really do something to keep them from strangling each other." said Stan, shooting him a knowing look. With a sigh, Kenny turned toward the screaming couple. "On it."
Out of all the Freedom Pals, Mysterion was the best at calming Tweek down when he got like this. Kenny didn't really get why, but for whatever reason, whenever he would try reasoning with Wonder Tweek as Mysterion, he would usually back off with little fanfare. It made Kenny feel a little special, even if it was kind of exhausting.
Slowly, Kenny approached the screaming couple from the back, hoping to break off their argument at the first opportunity he got. It was about time the Freedom Pals went back to base anyway – they were in dire need of a better strategy for these encounters.
As he approached, he heard Craig huff the way he always did whenever he's had enough of their fighting. Kenny's seen this same song and dance too many times by now to not recognize it.
"Listen, Tweek, I– I'm tired of this shit, okay?”
His voice had that same nasally, unimpressed cadence it usually did, though he did sound deeply annoyed.
“You’ve said some things, I’ve said some things, and we've gotten absolutely nowhere. So how about this?" Craig stepped forward and held both his hands out in front of the twitchy blond. "If you just admit you overreacted by going off with the freedom pussies, and that Coon and Friends was the better franchise all along, I'll forgive you and we'll take you back no problem. You don't even have to apologize." He shrugged, looking very proud of this proposition, like he just offered Tweek half a million dollars. It kind of made Kenny want to punch him in the face, and, going by the look Tweek was giving him, he wasn't the only one.
With a violent twitch, Tweek frantically waved his arms around. "WHAT?! You'll forgive me?! Do you even hear yourself? I just can't believe how self-centered you are!"
His hands were shaking, and Kenny could feel the air growing tense with electricity – he looked like he was about to murder Craig Tucker right then and there. Not that Kenny could blame him, but he should probably do something before it happens.
Mysterion stepped closer and tried placing a comforting hand on Tweek's shoulder, though the other blond barely seemed to register it as he kept yelling and yelling.
"You–! Hrghh. You're a fucking asshole Craig, you know that? And the last thing I need right now is your forgiveness, alright? Because– Because...!"
Before Kenny could fully register what Tweek was even saying, though, he was already being grabbed by the hood and pulled closer to his side. It was right at that moment that, against all logic or reason, he suddenly felt Tweek's lips meet his own.
…What the fuck?
The kiss only lasted for about a second, but it was enough for Kenny's brain to completely short circuit as Tweek pulled away.
"Me and Mysterion are dating." Said the blond, as if that somehow explained what in the every loving fuck was going on.
It became clear to Kenny then that he wasn't the only one confused out of his mind, because everyone else's faces looked absolutely stupefied. Craig's especially.
"And we're very happy together," continued Tweek, looking extremely pissed, though a soft shade of pink tinged his cheeks. "Isn't that right, honey?"
He then felt the other boy not-so-subtly elbow him on the side, and was very promptly brought back to reality, and to the very insane situation he'd been dragged into. That was probably his cue to say something.
"...Uh."
Very smooth, dumbass.
"Ahem." It took him a second to fully commit to the Mysterion voice, considering the absurdity of what was happening, but he quickly composed himself and cleared his throat. "Yes, of course, uh... pumpkin."
Might as well just roll with it.
At this, Craig's face, which was already priceless, somehow became even more hilarious. His jaw went slack and his eyes wide, practically bugging out of his skull. Kenny had to admit, it was pretty satisfying to see.
Tweek apparently thought so too, because as he continued talking he had the biggest smile plastered across his face. Kenny had never seen him with such an icy cold stare before. It was kinda hot, he thought. Wait, what?
"So don't you dare go around talking about 'taking me back', dickhead, because I'm already off the market!" He concluded his argument by intertwining their hands together, practically overflowing with spite and determination, and Kenny was left wondering where the hell Tweek even got the confidence to do something like this. He didn't even twitch once!
Craig looked like he had a lot of things to say to that, but before he had the chance to respond, Toolshed was jumping right in front of them with his arms spread out wide, Tupperware by his side.
"OKAY, GUYS! This sure was fun but we should probably wrap it up.” said Stan, voice cracking. “It's already getting pretty late, isn't that right, Tup?"
"Heh, yup. My parents are getting upset about all the shouting right in front of our house, and it's a school night! So we all better get back home. See you guys tomorrow!!"
Kenny knew they were only trying to damage control the whole thing, but it was hard to take them seriously when they sounded downright hysterical. He would've burst out laughing if it weren't for his sudden dizziness and the dozens of eyes currently on him.
"FREEDOM PALS, OUT!" He heard Toolshed yell over the confusion, and then felt hands grabbing him by the shoulders, pushing him toward Tolkien's house. One by one, the Freedom Pals quickly and erratically ran back to their base, marching through the front gate of the Black residence.
"Hey, wait–!" He heard Cartman protest, but everyone else looked too stunned to chase after them. Kenny took one last look at Craig's bewildered expression and silently laughed to himself.
----------
Once they were all inside, behind locked doors, Tolkien was the first one to break the awkward silence.
"Tweek. What the hell was that?"
Whatever icy confidence Tweek seemed to have developed back there had fully faded by now. He looked absolutely horrified as he answered: "ACK!! I DON'T KNOW!!"
The twitching was fully back again, and his hands were shaking noticeably, even with his thick gloves on. "I– I was just so mad, and he was being so smug, and I, nghhh... I wanted to wipe that smirk off his stupid face!! I didn't even think–" The boy's eyes turned wide and he quickly whipped his head in Kenny's direction, as if seeing him for the first time since the fight started.
"Oh God, Kenny, I am so sorry! I should NOT have done that!" Tweek's face turned a bright pink as his hands flew straight to his head, pulling nervously at his wild hair.
Even though he dug his own grave out there, Kenny still felt a weird urge to comfort him. "Hey, that's alright. I can't say it wasn't funny", he shrugged.
Behind him, Kenny heard the mechanical sound of Timmy's wheelchair approaching. In that moment, he really hoped the Doctor had already used his powers to read their minds – or at least heard the yelling outside – just so he wouldn't have to be the one to explain this whole mess.
Stan interrupted his train of thought by saying "Well, however weird it was, at least it was a good way to avoid getting our asses kicked. They were so distracted by your kiss that they totally forgot about the civil war." He smiled weirdly while saying that, as if the whole situation was incredibly amusing to him. It probably was. "They likely wouldn't have let us go so easily if it weren't for that."
Tolkien, on the other hand, didn't look nearly as pleased. Kenny noticed him cautiously glancing to the windows, where he could still see the others standing out on the street.
"So... What are we supposed to do now? We can still go back out there and clarify it was just a misunderstanding. You know, before it gets messy."
He turned to Kenny expectantly, and the blond found himself hesitating. Even though this whole new turn of events caught him completely off guard, words of protest started coming out of his mouth before he could fully stop himself.
"...Do we have to? It seems like that lie really worked in our favor, you guys."
All eyes in the room shot up to him, suddenly. Shit, was that the wrong thing to say?
He cleared his throat.
"I mean, look at Stan! He looks like a truck ran him over 5 times and then 5 more times again. And the rest of us aren't doing much better."
It was true. The fight was not exactly in their favor before they fled, and everyone was well aware of that.
"Those assholes have been getting the upper hand on us for days now, and we've just been idling by, letting it happen. But now! We managed to shake them, just a bit."
He felt his voice slowly morph into Mysterion's low grumble as he talked, feeling the urge to stay in character for this speech. The Freedom Pals respected him, and he really didn't want this situation to make them discouraged to play... especially Tweek, who looked absolutely mortified ever since they came back to base.
"Maybe, if Wonder Tweek and I keep up this fake-dating facade, it would confuse them enough for us to turn the tide around."
Kenny saw Tolkien's eyebrows furrow, just as a smile tugged at the corner of his lips, though it actually looked more like a humorless grimace. "You can't be serious. How is you pretending to date Tweek going to help us win anything?"
"Did you even see their faces? Craig's face? They were completely stunned! If we'd used that to our advantage we could've totally kicked their asses. Element of surprise, you know? All we'd have to do is amp up the PDA in the battlefield and BAM! Victory."
Kenny remembers before they split franchises, when Craig and Tweek used to rub their perfect relationship in everyone's faces as their ultimate attack. It was extremely effective, but Tweek hadn't done anything remotely similar to it ever since their breakup... up until now at least.
Casting a glance in Timmy's direction, Tolkien continued. "Doctor Timothy? You can't possibly think this is a good idea, right?"
Timmy, who hadn't said a word since they came back, rolled into view with a pensive look on his face and fingers on his temple. "...Mysterion might have a point. Super Craig is their best fighter. It would be advantageous for us to find a way to distract him during our fights.”
“And Wonder Tweek," The Doctor turned his head to where Tweek was standing in the background, seemingly trying to get people to forget he was there. "You, too, need to start focusing on the fight in front of you, instead of getting sidetracked by petty squabbles. Being paired up closely with Mysterion could help you keep a clear mind."
Tweek yelped in surprise at the acknowledgement, and lowered his shoulders in embarrassment. "Y–Yes, sir..."
"Either way, the damage is already done. The least we can do now is make the best of the situation. That is, of course, if everyone in the team is okay with it."
Kenny couldn't believe his bullshit speech actually managed to somewhat convince Doctor Timothy. Satisfied, he looked around the room to see his friends’ reactions. Everyone was starting to look a little less dejected, and they now even had a possible strategy for handling douchebag and friends. Maybe this ‘fake-dating’ with Tweek thing could actually be fun.
Tolkien sighed as he took one last look through the window. “Well, if the Doctor says so, then I guess it would be fine to try? Still sounds fucking insane, tough.”
Stan put a gloved hand on his shoulder and chimed in with a smile. “I think it's worth a shot. What's the worst that can happen?”
----------
Craig stomped his way loudly down the stairs to Cartman's basement, feeling his irritation grow with every step he took.
"Super Craig, you've gotta calm down." Human Kite was chasing after him, clearly trying to ease his temper, and yet failing miserably at doing so.
“Calm down? I'm sorry, did you guys see the same shit I did?!”
How could they've not? The scene kept replaying in Craig’s head no matter how much he tried to shake it. The way Tweek looked at him as he pulled Mysterion by the hood. The kiss. Mysterion calling him pumpkin.
Blargh. He was seriously going to be sick.
"Yup. You got totally cucked, bro!" replied Mosquito from behind, seemingly unaware of the danger of getting punched in the face. “And by Mysterion, no less. Wow!” Craig shot him a look.
Kyle, who apparently continued to feel the need to meddle with his personal life, stepped between them, holding both his hands out as he spoke.
“Seriously, dude, you need to chill out. They're obviously not actually together! They probably only did that to piss you off."
Well, it worked, thought Craig, but he should probably keep that to himself. He briefly considered shoving Kyle out of his way, just so the redhead would learn to stay out of his goddamn business, but ultimately decided against it, sitting down in a nearby chair instead.
"I d-d-dunno about that, Human Kite. That kiss sure seemed p-pretty passionate to me" chimed in Jimmy by Clyde's side.
"Yeah! They called each other pet names and everything!” added Scott.
With a roll of his eyes, Kyle turned to their direction. "You guys are NOT helping!"
The conversation then started turning into actual bickering, but Craig tuned them out almost immediately. There were simply bigger things to worry about. Like the fact that Tweek and Kenny were fucking dating now, apparently. Craig sighed and placed his head on his hands.
At first, when the franchises split and he and Tweek had just started fighting, Craig wasn't really all that worried. He knew that the best strategy for dealing with Tweek when he was having one of his fits was to simply wait it out. Eventually, he would get it all out of his system, and come crawling back to Coon and Friends as if nothing ever happened. It was only a matter of time, really.
Except... he wasn't so sure about that anymore. It's been weeks, and Tweek still refused to look him in the eyes. Not only has he stayed with those Freedom Assholes all this time, but he's now apparently even dating one of them, too?
Maybe Tweek will just settle for anyone nowadays. Maybe he was just so desperate after the break up that he went after the first dude that seemed available. Or maybe…
"... Kite's right. I doubt they're actually a couple.” Craig continued after a long pause, instigating everyone to shut their mouths.
As annoying as it was to admit, maybe Broflovski had a point. They probably just planned that beforehand to make him jealous or something. Not that he was jealous. But there was just no way in the universe Tweek would actually get together with Kenny McCormick of all people. He’s not even Tweek's type! Craig shook his head and continued speaking.
“I mean, who would willingly choose dating Mysterion over me, right guys?"
Expecting to be hit with a wave of agreements, Craig turned around to face the rest of his superhero friends.
…He was met with utter, absolute silence as a response.
“Oh, come on! What does that asshole have that I don't?!”
Almost as if on cue, Craig was immediately met with 3 consecutive comments from Jimmy, Clyde and Cartman, respectively.
"A c-c-cooler costume."
"A deep manly voice!"
"Bigger dick, probably."
Un-fucking-believeable.
Craig then felt Clyde's arm wrapping up around his shoulder while he continued chattering his mouth off, as if anything he’d said in the last 10 minutes was fucking helping.
"I'm sorry, dude, but you've gotta admit Mysterion's just the cooler superhero! He's been fighting crimes for months, since before we even started playing, and all you did was tape an ‘S’ to your chest." He pressed a finger to Craig's chest to emphasize the point.
Just as Craig was about to shove Clyde off and tell him to go suck a dick, Cartman interrupted their bickering by slamming his hand on the table and pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Actually, can you guys shut the hell up about this? Who cares if Mysterion's boning Tweek or whatever, it's just distracting us from the fact that we almost had them today!” He made his way over to their superhero conspiracy board, where the details of their latest plan to trash the Freedom Pals lay in display. “If we manage to keep it up, the Freedom Pussies will soon not only taste defeat, but also finally understand who’s the superior superhero franchise once and for all! All we need is a little more planning…”
Eyes gleaming, Cartman was right back to his usual plotting and scheming, starting to lay out different strategies as to how to ambush the Freedom Pals at the most inopportune moments. Everyone else in the room started taking their assigned seats at the meeting table to listen to what he had to say, but Craig was really not in the mood to play anymore.
“Whatever. Screw you guys, I'm going home.”
He quickly made his way up the stairs and slammed the door behind him, but not before flipping off everyone in the room first.