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Dark clouds were rolling over the horizon as strong winds were causing some moderate waves, rocking the Sunny from side to side.
It was the middle of the night and they were only about a day‘s travel away from Dressrosa now, the impending fight against Doflamingo making everyone nervous. Right now, Brook was on lookout and Franky was manning the helm, while everyone else was trying to get some sleep.
The less then ideal weather conditions were nothing, the Sunny couldn‘t handle, but for her crew, it made finding rest even more challenging.
Down in the sleeping quarters, it was almost pitch black. Nami and Robin, sharing their room, were deeply asleep. Across the hall, the men‘s dorm was the same, albeit more noisy since a couple of the guys sleeping here had the tendency to snore loudly.
Mostly, they were resting peacefully right now.
However, the straw hat Captain was the only one who was definitely not getting a good rest right now. Usually, Luffy would sleep like a starfish, snoring obnoxiously and sometimes laughing or talking in his sleep, whenever a particularly exiting dream came along.
And with a high stakes battle on the horizon, he‘d normally be over the moon with excitement.
Now though, he was tossing and turning restlessly, beads of sweat on his face as his fingers twisted harshly into the soft blanket that had managed to get tangled up all around his body.
Because of the howling winds and the rushing waves, only the loudest snoring could be heard, but not the small, desperate sounds coming from Luffy right now.
###
Poison burned through his veins, stealing his breath. It hurt worse then anything he could have ever imagined. It was so bad, he barely felt Iva-chan‘s claws digging deeply into his flesh. However, when the hormones the revolutionary had injected into him started working, all that faded away into blinding and all encompassing agony. He‘d thought the warden‘s poison had hurt, but this? This was so much worse. After a while, his body had started to numb and get used to the pain, but now, this wasn‘t an option anymore, his ability to just drift away stolen and replaced by an almost maddening rush of adrenaline, keeping him awake and alert throughout all of this hell.
Luffy was sure he‘d never screamed like that before in his life. If the pain wasn‘t strong enough to obliterate his ability to think clearly, he was certain, he‘d have begged for death right then and there.
He didn‘t know how long it had been. It had become impossible to tell the passing of time. Seconds dragged on like hours while acid was flooding his veins.
Even the heavy chains he’d been bound with didn‘t matter anymore. They might as well not have bothered at all. He couldn‘t move, couldn‘t even lift a hand voluntarily. His body convulsed uncontrollably as his muscles cramped up so badly, it felt as if they were ripping themselves apart.
And then, suddenly, it just… stopped.
Memories came flooding back. He was here to save his Brother! He needed to get and get out of this place and…-
Something uncomfortably warm and wet was coating his fingers. The noise around him changed somewhat. There was still screaming and he was sure, part of it was his own, even if he didn‘t understand how he could still have any screams left to give right now. His body felt heavy and tired… he just wanted to rest, to close his eyes for a moment…
Blinking rapidly, he was suddenly met with a face that was so painfully familiar to him, a face he loved with all his heart.
“A-...Ace?
More of that hot and sticky liquid got stuck on his palm as he placed his hand on his brother’s back, or at lease where he thought it was. Flinching violently as his hand only met air where tattooed skin and strong muscles were supposed to be, Luffy felt like throwing up.
This couldn’t be happening! He endured all this pain, had fought as hard as he could and still, this was the outcome?
Willing down bile, he could feel Ace cough, heard the wet, choked off sound of pain as even more blood stained the two of them, seeping into Luffy’s clothes hot and wet, making them stick to his trembling form.
It had happened so fast… And it was all his fault.
He’d come here to save his family and yet, Ace had ended up sacrificing himself for Luffy’s sake, protecting him and choosing death instead of getting to safety, getting out of here and live as freely as they’d always dreamed of.
“...All… all my fault…”
The bright yellow west he’d worn had by nor turned completely crimson.
Suddenly, he could feel a hand on the back of his neck, fingers cold as ice clawed at his skin with more strength then a dying man was supposed to have, surely leaving bruises and bloody scratches in their wake.
“Yessss, all your fault, useless little brother.”
Ace was right.
“You ruined my adventure, my dream. Look at you now, just a lost little boy, abandoned by his friends. And after learning what you did here, how pathetically you lost, they will not come back to you.”
It would have hurt less if Ace had just burned him alive right here and now.
Those once lively and warm eyes stared at him dully, as if his brother’s soul had already left the broken remains, it had once called it’s home.
“Can you feel that?” Suddenly, Luffy’s trembling hand was taken and pressed violently into the bloody hole where at one point a strong and kind heart had beat, feeling the shattered bones, the hot and burned pieces of flesh, rough to the touch, soft, torn up organs...“You did this to me.”
“A-ace, please… I… I didn’t mean to...I tried to help and-”
“And failed. You killed me, Luffy. I’m dead now because you were too weak, too much of a burden. I’m so disappointed in you.”
Tears were now freely running down Luffy’s face, mingling with the blood and gore all over them. He couldn’t move, could only watch as his brother’s body suddenly lost all tension and slipped from his grasp, landing on the hard and clod ground with a dull thud.
“N-no, please… Ace, I’m so-sorry! Don’t leave me like that!”
No answer.
His brother was well and truly dead, gone from this world with words of hatred left behind, shattering the younger man’s heart and taking all its pieces with him in the process.
When he suddenly felt something unbelievably hot being rammed into his body, he didn’t resist, didn’t try to fight it. What a fitting end that would be, being killed off in the exact same was as his brother had been.
He deserved this, deserved to feel the same amount of Pain his brother’d had to endure as he departed this life.
“Go and join your brother in hell, devil spawn.” Akainu’s hateful face was the last thing he saw before everything went black and the only thing left was the feeling of his insides boiling, as steaming hot blood made its way up his throat and his bones were turned into burning embers.
###
With a choked off scream, Luffy bolted upright in bed, breathing heavily while clutching his chest with one hand, the other one tightly clamped over his mouth, willing down bile.
This hadn’t been the first time he’d dreamed something like this, but no matter how often it happened, it never got any easier. It always felt so damn real… In his dreams, he didn’t remember that it all was over and done with.
His face was still wet with tears and he was trembling badly as his scar burned with phantom pains so bad, it almost stole his breath.
He needed to get out
Luffy felt as if he was suffocating. Stumbling a bit with the movement of the ship, he managed to fumble his way out of the room without waking up his friends.
Stepping out into the noticeably colder hallway felt like taking a breath of fresh air after nearly drowning. In the silence, he could still hear the echoes of that battle, the canons firing, dying people screaming in pain and fear… At least, the cool air started to steal the ghosts of fire and boiled blood away from him, leaving him feeling cold and empty.
Even if all that had happened more then two years ago, he was sure he’d never forget any of it. He’d always remember every marine he’d carelessly kicked and punched out of the way, undoubtedly killing at least some of them in the process. He’d always remember that feeling of blood on his hands, bones breaking under his fists and of course the feeling of his brother’s body going limp in his arms, the warmth leaving the older pirate with each passing second as his life and his devil fruit faded away like mist on a sunny day at sea…
‘Thank you for loving me’
Those had been Ace’s last words. Nothing else. But no matter how often he told himself this, dream Ace would always find something else, far more cruel to throw in his face, shredding his hear over and over again.
Still though, the self loathing he felt and the blame he placed upon himself for not being faster, stronger, would always be there as well. Because even if the real Ace hadn’t blamed Luffy, the fact still remained that he’d taken that blow in order to save Luffy. And he’d always feel guilty for that.
Sitting down on the floor and curling into a ball. Luffy hugged his knees and stared into the darkness, trying desperately to find something to fill the gaping hole inside his heart.
He should probably try going back to bed, tomorrow was going to be a hectic day, but every time he did as much as blink, not to mention actually closing his eyes, he could see Ace’s blood stained face, ashen with empty eyes, staring at him, could almost smell the blood and the burnt flesh in the salty air whenever he breathed in too deeply…
“Luffy?”
The Strawhat’s Captain barely managed not to shriek in surprise as Robin’s smooth voice pulled him out of his head.
“What are you doing out here at this hour? Did something happen?” She sounded genuinely concerned.
Taking a calming breath, Luffy shook his head, before remembering that his archaeologist would probably not be able to see that in the dark. “’m okay.” he croaked, surprised at how bad his voice sounded.
Robin of course, being as observant as she was, had noticed this as well. “Are you sure? You sound unwell. Do you need me to get Chopper?”
“Wha.. No!, I’m fine!” He really didn’t want to involve more people in this. “Really Robin, it’s nothing, just go back to sleep.” He really hoped it was dark enough to hide his tear stained face.
But of course, instead of doing that, the dark haired women only sighed. “Captain, I really wouldn’t be a very good crewmate if I did that, now would I? Besides, if you found one of us in distress sitting in the middle of the hallway at night, you wouldn’t simply go back to bed, now would you?”
No, he wouldn’t. And using this against him proved once again how smart Robin was. “You’re right, sorry. I just… didn’t sleep well and needed some fresh air.”
It was still too dark to see her face, but from the silence following his statement alone, it was clear that the devil child was drawing her own conclusions from the little, he’d told her just now.
“I see. Why don’t you come and sleep with Nami and I? I’m sure a change of scenery might help.”
Before he could answer, a warm hand had already taken a hold of his arm and was gently guiding him to his feet slowly.
“Also Captain, you’re shivering, so we better get you somewhere warm and comfortable before you catch a cold. You’re freezing.”
Was he? He really couldn’t tell. “But… won’t Nami get mad? She said me and the other guys weren’t allowed in your room.”
“She’ll understand.”
And with that, Robin dragged her Captain towards the woman’s bedroom, despite the weak protests coming from him. Once they neared the slightly open door, she was glad she’d ignored his words and had gone with her intuition instead.
In the low light of a small lamp placed on one of the nightstands, she could clearly make out tear tracks on her friend’s usually so bright and happy face. Luffy also looked dead on his feet, pale with dark circles under red rimmed eyes.
Gently pulling his shivering form into a gentle embrace, she ran her long and slender fingers through his slightly damp hair. “Captain, I won’t ask if you don’t want me to, but I do think that you shouldn’t be alone right now. Of course, if you want to tell me what you were dreaming about that got you into this state, I will gladly listen. But for now, I think it best if you tried to get some more sleep before tomorrow.”
The small flinch that went through their Captain’s body told her that she’d guessed correctly.
When finally, the tenseness left Luffy’s body and he allowed himself to melt into his crew mate’s embrace, exhaustion washed over him in waves, his energy completely drained from that horrible nightmare.
Without another word, she gently started maneuvering Luffy, who was by now half asleep on his feet, into the room, being very gentle and quiet in the process. Once she’d sat him down on the edge of the bed, Robin closed the door and turned around, only to find Luffy already lying down on his side, blinking heavily.
Behind him on the other side of the bed, she could see slight movement from Nami, who suddenly stared at their young leader for a couple of seconds, obviously not pleased by his presence. However, when she opened her mouth to yell at him, a ghostly white hand suddenly was gently laid over her lips, causing her to halt.
Looking over at her roommate, she could only see Robin standing next to the bed, shaking her head slightly with a sad frown, before removing that hand and letting it disintegrate into a couple of flower petals.
Luffy, who had by now fallen asleep again, hadn’t caught any of that.
“Robin? Why is he here?” The ire in her tone was more then noticeable, even while whispering.
Carefully lowering herself into the bed next to Luffy, so he was in between the two women, Robin sighed, before looking fondly at their Captain.
“I just found him outside in the hallway like this.”
“Like what?”
“He… I think he’s had a nightmare. He was sitting on the floor, crying and shaking. I couldn’t just leave him like that.”
After a few moments of silence, Nami’s gaze turned soft. “Do you think he’s okay?”
“I don’t know, but I though it best not to leave him alone like that.”
“Yeah, I… sorry, I shouldn’t have reacted like that.” Their navigator couldn’t suppress a fond smile as Luffy curled up a bit, now pressing his back into her stomach. “You’re right, of course he can’t be alone right now. Did he tell you anything specific?”
“No, only that he didn’t sleep well. I drew my own conclusions from that.”
“He looks terrible.”
Humming in agreement, Robin went back to massaging Luffy’s scalp for a bit while watching him rest. “I hate seeing him like this.”
“Yeah.” Pulling a warm blanket over Luffy, Nami laid back down. “We’ll be here if anything else happens tonight, so might as well try to rest a bit ourselves. Like this, there is no way we won’t notice if he’s having another bad dream.”
Now laying down herself, Robin smiled. “Yes, though I really hope he’ll be able to sleep peacefully now. Tomorrow certainly won’t be easy and knowing him, he’ll probable stir up all kinds of trouble as soon as we set foot on land again. Our Captain is certainly going to need all his energy for that.”
Both woman fell silent after, falling back asleep with the reassuring warmth of their Captain by their side.
###
He could barely breathe… Fear was something he rarely needed to worry about, at least not like this.
His grandpa was towering over him fist raised and absolutely furious. This couldn’t be happening. He needed to save his brother and now, his beloved Gramps was standing in his way, threatening him and effectively hindering his progress towards the execution platform.
How could he do this? Hadn’t Ace also been part of his family? Hadn’t the old man spend just as much time with Gol D Roger’s son as he’d spend with Luffy? How could he support those marines in murdering their family?
He wasn’t going to make it. Garp had always been so much stronger then him. Even if he attacked with all of his strength, there was no way he’d be able to win a fight against Grandpa of all people!
Part of him had always been scared of the old man. How could he not be? His childhood was filled with memories of his ‘training’, being beaten, punched, kicked and thrown around by his only known family on a regular basis, being dropped off in scary and dangerous places under the guise of ‘toughening him up’ for a future he’d always known he didn’t want to be a part of…
He’d begged, pleaded for the old man to stop, but still, those huge fists had come closer and closer, no mercy found in those actions.
Another step and suddenly, he was falling… deeper and deeper...No not falling, sinking. Deep blue and turquoise colors blended all around him while small fish curiously swam by. With each second, the surface got further and further away from him, his air supply was getting more sparse and his body felt so heavy… Keeping his eyes open was becoming harder and harder as well as daylight faded quickly…
He hated drowning. Being a devil fruit user, he’d had his fair share of ocean related near death experiences, so he’d plenty of information to reference.
That agonizing burning in his lungs as he couldn’t breathe, his strength being zapped by the ocean’s curse and the panic that would always kick in, no matter how often he told himself that his friends were going to save him… It was just horrible.
It was one of the few things he truly and honestly was scared of.
That feeling of not being able to breath and the weakness brought on another bout of memories…
Blinking, the water was suddenly gone, replaced by a sharp antiseptic smell and a dark room with metal plating on the ceiling. Everything hurt and felt strangely detached at the same time. He was breathing somehow, yet couldn’t feel his muscles working at all. There was something hard stuck in his throat as well, causing panic to flare violently.
Something bad had happened… Something he should remember… There had been fire and smoke and pain… so much pain. Both physical and… yes, he’d been sad about something, though sad probably was the wrong term for the violent, excruciating feeling he’d fallen victim to as … as
Opening his eyes as the memories came rushing back, the strange detachment he’d been feeling up until now vanished. He didn’t know which was worse… The burning heat consuming his chest or the feeling of his heart breaking into a thousand tiny, jagged and razor sharp pieces, tearing him up from the inside.
With that thing in his throat, he couldn’t even scream. Some part of him registered high pitched beeping sounds as he somehow found the strength to lift a hand and clumsily pull at the offending item. With all he was currently experiencing, pulling that weird tube out of his body really wasn’t painful at all. All he knew was that he now was struggling to breathe, once again feeling as if he was drowning. For some reason, his body refused to work probably.
Smaller tubes fell from his arms and chest as he clumsily tore at anything he could reach, before finally being free.
Deep down, he knew that he probably shouldn’t move, but really he didn’t care about that right now. He just wanted to get away from it all, run until his legs couldn’t carry him anymore, destroy until his body was so broken, he wouldn’t be able to feel his heart aching any longer… Ace was gone. Now, he was all alone.
Ace was gone and it was all his fault.
Ace had died protecting him, he didn’t deserve to live.
Maybe, he didn’t even want to any longer.
With a hoarse and strangled scream, he took all the strength he had and started punching and kicking at the strange metal walls, ripping them apart until he saw the blue sky and could smell fresh air.
This wasn’t enough, it would never be.
Not when the world had taken his brother from him, not when his Grandfather had betrayed them like that.
Why? Why had this to happen? Back In Alabasta, not too long ago, Ace had been fine. They’d fooled around, he’d gotten to show off his crew and ship proudly, making his sibling smile and look so happy…
He’d never get to see that smile again.
Now tears were staining the floor together with blood that had seeped through torn up bandages. Somewhere, voices were calling out to him, but he couldn’t make out what they were saying. He didn’t care.
Blood was rushing through his ears as everything got too much to bare. His body wasn’t responding anymore, his legs refused to bear his weight any longer and once again, he was falling…
###
It had barely been an hour since Robin had brought Luffy back to her and Nami’s room when said pirate once again started showing signs of distress.
His loosely curled position against Nami had been soft and comfortable, but now, Luffy had formed a somewhat protective little ball of rubbery limbs, shaking violently once again.
Up until now, both woman were still sleeping soundly, though that changed when suddenly, Luffy started twitching around while fain whimpers and sounds of pain started leaving his sleeping form.
Nami was the first one to react. Opening her eyes, the navigator needed a second to remember the current situation, before turning to her distressed friend, sad frown on her face. “Oh Luffy…”
It made her sad to see that usually care free and radiant face twisted in terror and pain with tears streaming down pale cheeks.
How often had this happened without them knowing? How many nights had their Captain spend lying awake after a horrific dream like that without anyone realizing how much he was hurting?
Had none of the guys ever noticed?
On the other side of the bed, Robin was stirring now as well.
“Again?”
“Yeah, definitely.”
“Oh no, I really hoped he’d calmed down enough to sleep through the rest of the night peacefully.”
“Me too, poor Luffy. I don’t like seeing him like that. I’ll wake him up”.
After Robin nodded in agreement, Nami, determination bright I her eyes, laid her hand on the still quietly crying younger man’s back, gently applying pressure. “Luffy? Hey, it’s okay, you’re dreaming.”
When this didn’t yield much of a reaction, she now stared using a bit more force, genuinely shaking him strongly. “Come on, wake up! This isn’t real, so snap out of it!”
Finally, with a barely swallowed down sob, Luffy shot upright, breathing heavily with wide open eyes, tears still flowing freely.
“Hey, you’re okay, everything’s alright now, you’re here with me and Robin, you’re safe.” She carefully laid an arm around his shoulders, pulling him into a tight hug. “Shhshh, it’s okay, you’re fine…” She’d never seen him like this. None of them had.
To her surprise however, instead of calming down, Luffy seemed to only start to cry harder, now openly sobbing while hiding his face in her shoulder, holding on to her for dear life.
She more felt then saw Robin now hugging Luffy from the other side as well. Together, both women tried their best to keep their friend in one piece while it seemed like his heart was about to shatter.
Nami didn’t care about the moisture soaking into her night clothes, the sleep she was loosing or the fact that come morning, the entire situation was probably going to be very awkward for all of them. Right now, Luffy needed her, needed them. Robin had definitely made the right call earlier.
After what felt like an eternity, the young pirate Captain finally seemed to have run out of tears to cry. As his breathing calmed down, his shaking subsided and finally, those heartbroken sounds stopped as well, leaving the room quiet, except for the occasional small sniffle of shifting of fabric, whenever one of them moved.
“Hey, you feeling better now?” Using her thumb to wipe away a few stray tears from Luffy’s soft skin, Nami smiled at him gently.
He didn’t look at her directly when he nodded, instead staring at the blanket still covering his legs.
She and Robin still held him tightly, not daring to let go.
“Are you sure? Do you want to tell us what happened?”
“I… I’m good now, thanks.” His voice was shaking badly.”Sorry, I didn’t mean to keep you up with something dumb like that.”
Now, this wouldn’t do.
Working her arms out of their embrace, Nami took a hold of her Captain’s face, forcing him to look her right in the eye. “Don’t you dare apologize, Luffy! Never, do you understand? There is nothing stupid about it and if I ever hear you spouting nonsense like that again, I will make sure Sanji never feeds you meat ever again!”
“Whaaah… But-”
“No ‘Buts’ Captain, Nami is right. You should never apologize for feeling sad or hurt.. You’re just as human as the rest of us. You dream about being the freest person on the whole world, so letting yourself feel everything fully without restraint should be part of that as well.”
“...okay” He definitely didn’t look convinced right now.
“Now, wanna tell me what made you this upset?” Letting go of Luffy’s face now that she’d made her point, Nami went right back to having him lean into her side, his head on her shoulder while she gently dragged her fingers through his slightly messy hair. “Maybe talking about it will help.”
With Nami on one, and Robin on the other side, Luffy felt warm for the first time tonight. But still, telling them in detail about what he’d seen in his dreams was out of the question.
“Hmmh… some stuff from two years ago.”
Both woman stayed silent, hoping he’d tell them anything else. This whole thing was eating him alive from the inside. It would only do good for him to finally open up about this to someone.
“It’s just… so much happened back then and sometimes, I just can’t stop those memories from coming back.”
“So this has happened before then?” Robin’s tone was warm and soft, only care and concern in her voice.
Luffy hesitated for a moment, before nodding. “It’s really gotten better, but from time to time, there are nights that are really no fun.”
If this was ‘better’, they really didn’t want to imagine how bad it had been at one point.
“Luffy, please promise me something.” Now, Nami looked dead serious. “If you’re having another bad night like right now, come and find us, okay? No one should go through something like that alone.”
“B-but you said-”
“Screw that, I don’t want you guys in here without good reason, but if you’re feeling bad, this rule doesn’t apply, got it?”
It was clear, she wouldn’t take no for an answer.
“Okay, thanks Nami, Robin.”
Now, Luffy started to look sleepy again, all the stress and crying having taken it’s toll. Noticing this, both woman leaned back against the headboard of their bed, pulling their Captain back with them.
“You should get some more sleep Captain, we will stay right by you side, so you can rest easy.”
Now cuddled up under a blanket with two of his most favorite people on the whole world, it was very hard to resist the pull of sleep for much longer, despite the lingering fear of what horrors might await once he closed his eyes.
When he fell asleep this time around, he didn’t dream at all.
It was way into the next morning when a soft knock on the door woke the two woman again, not exactly well rested, but enough so that they wouldn’t have trouble keeping up today.
Both were relieved that nothing else had happened last night. Luffy was still asleep, now looking peaceful with a slight smile on his face.
He looked absolutely adorable like this.
Another knock forced their attention elsewhere, when suddenly, the door was opened and Sanji peaked his head into the room.
“Good morning my beautiful angels, rise and shine! I prepared something extra special for breakfast today so you better get- WHAT THE FUCK?!”
The moment the blond laid eyes on Luffy, still peacefully sleeping away snuggled up between Nami and Robin, he was so shocked, his cigarette dropped to the floor.
“Sanji.” A dark aura was surrounding Nami, as she stared pure death at their chef. “If you dare wake Luffy, I will do unspeakable things to your kitchen. And you know neither a lock, nor a door will be able to stop me.”
“Nami-swan…”
“Sanji, our navigator is serious and so am I. I will even assist her. Our Captain didn’t have a very restful night and will need as much additional sleep as possible, so for now, you will return to the kitchen and prepare his favorite foods for breakfast. We will make sure he comes out to eat once he’s ready.”
“Not… not a very restful…”
“Sanji, whatever you’re thinking, stop.“ Something about Nami’s tone seemed to do the trick. At least, Sanji seemed to snap out of his perverted fantasies for a moment, the massively devastated and at the same time jealous look disappearing from his face
“Okay, but really, what happened? You would never allow him, or any of the guys to sleep in here with you under normal circumstances, especially not like this.” He still didn’t look particularly happy as he waved his hand in the general direction of the bed.
“Well, let’s just say this weren’t normal circumstances, okay? Last night was pretty bad for him and he needed some comfort. Please leave it at that.”
After nodding, understanding suddenly dawning on his face, Sanji stepped out of the room, fresh cigarette already lit. “Just make sure to get that shitty Captain of us up and to breakfast before we reach Dressrosa. He’ll be insufferable if he has to go into a fight like that on an empty stomach.”
With that, Sanji left them alone again, undoubtedly running through a list of additional breakfast items, he could prepare for their Captain.