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Living with Madeline Ashton in their early twenties, and now their early fift- afterlives, had taught Helen Sharp one thing: silence wasn’t golden. If it was quiet and still when Madeline was around, she was either up to no good or she was caught up in her own thoughts.
Part of Helen was grateful it was the latter, when she made her way into the kitchen to make herself a coffee and saw her girlfriend sat at the island. Not that she was happy that Madeline was in some kind of distress. A sad Madeline broke her heart more than she would ever like to admit to. Genuinely sad Madeline, not actress Madeline who could cry on demand if something wasn’t going her way. Although it took searching for her favourite mug and pressing the necessary buttons on the machine for the blonde to sigh in her melancholy.
So, with her fresh mug of hot black coffee in her hands, Helen slowly made her way over to where Madeline sat, staring wistfully into the gardens. Once she reached her she set the coffee down, wrapped her arms around her waist from behind and rested her chin on her shoulder.
And they stayed there, silently. Madeline’s arms immediately moving to cover Helen’s in their soft embrace, with Helen gently running - what she hoped was - soothing circles on Madeline’s left hand, pressing her lips into Madeline’s neck.
She knew Madeline didn’t enjoy talking about how she was feeling. For an actress, she wasn’t too pleased about being vulnerable when necessary, but that is why they worked so well. Madeline struggled with her emotions when they were real and not at all superficial, whereas Helen was very in tune with her emotions to the point where Madeline would comfort her because she realised the SPCA ads still made her cry.
In these moments, Helen knew that Madeline appreciated soft caresses, gentle kisses and being held close. Always obliging even before things finally turned romantic between them.
“What’s the matter?” Helen asked finally. It was clear the blonde wasn’t going to come out with it without a little (or a lot of) coaxing.
Madeline turned on her stool to look at her, actively avoiding the question. The tears she had managed to keep at bay suddenly streaming down her cheeks against her will. Mascara and eyeliner merging, making its own art piece on her lovely face. Then a choked sob left her girlfriend’s throat and she immediately felt Madeline bury her face in her neck.
The redhead’s arms immediately held her closer as she continued to pressed soft kisses into bleach blonde hair.
“Mads?” She asked again, her hand now running up and down Madeline’s back to hopefully calm her. She knew the blonde wanted to run, but Helen knows that she also just wants to be held. Madeline’s need to be touching Helen at any chance she can get will always override her pride.
“Helly, please.”
She felt warm tears against her skin and dainty fingers twirling strands of her own long hair, despite it all. Helen had always loved how physically affectionate the blonde was.
“Mads, honey, I just want to know what has you so upset. I can’t fix it if I don’t know.” She murmured into her hair again.
That’s when she realised, as she noticed the time.
7:48pm.
Madeline’s show would have gone up almost 20 minutes ago. The same show she took her final bow for over the weekend. It would have been the first show day of the week since last Saturday night, and Madeline was sat at the kitchen island dressed in a cute pair of comfy sweatpants, a spaghetti strap top with one of Helen’s thick, cosy cardigans and make up smudged across her face, instead of looking picturesque as she would usually when she was on stage.
Helen still thought she looked picturesque. Even more so, she would argue.
So, Helen just held her even tighter, whispering words of love in her ear, understanding her completely.
As the tears began to slow, Madeline began to move back so she could properly face Helen.
Helen reached out to tuck Madeline’s hair behind her ears so it didn’t stick to her tear stained face.
“How do you manage to still look so beautiful when you’ve been crying your make up off?” A thumb ran under blue eyes catching the last few stray tears.
The question caused the blonde to smile. A genuine soft smile just for her girlfriend. Hiccups escaping her as she started to calm down finally.
Pressing a soft kiss to Madeline’s forehead, Helen slowly untangled herself from their embrace.
“Where are you going?” Panic heightening Madeline’s tone of voice.
“I’m just going to grab some pyjamas and then you’re going to tell me what’s going on whilst I hold your hand and wipe your make up off.”
Madeline smiled shyly before answering with a quiet, “oh, okay.”
It wasn’t long before Madeline was back in Helen’s arms, as she let the ginger woman dote on her.
“I don’t know what I’d do without you, Helen. Truly.” She whispered, as though any noise would crack the calm Helen surrounded her in. Helen had her wrapped up in a blanket as she gently wiped the make up from the blonde’s face.
“Well it’s a good job you’ll never have to find out.”
“I just…it’s been my whole life, Hel. The one thing I was good at. Who am I if I’m no longer ‘two time Oscar nominated actress, Madeline Ashton’?”
By now, Madeline had curled her upper body into Helen’s embrace. Deliberately not looking at her otherwise she would break again.
Helen didn’t interrupt her. Madeline’s stream of consciousness had to be uninterrupted if Helen wanted Madeline to purge all of her emotions, in turn making her feel somewhat stable again. Instead, she just ran her hand up and down her back again, encouraging her, soothing her.
“It gave me everything I couldn’t have when I was little. Adoration, a way to hide, an outlet, a stable home…” Madeline paused to take a deep breath.
“It’s alright, baby.” Helen cooed as Madeline tried to stop herself from breaking down again.
“And, most importantly, it’s the reason I met you.” She said simply, hiding her face again, as if it was the most embarrassing thing she could have admitted.
“Mads, we met long before you were a famous actress.”
“No, I mean I wouldn’t have thought to study it if I didn’t enjoy it so much when I was young. Oh God, imagine if I never did go…I wouldn’t have met you…I-”
Helen thought about making a joke, but knew this wasn’t the time or place for it. It didn’t take much for Madeline to spiral, especially when she was already feeling vulnerable. The best she could do in these situations was hold her hand, press kisses to her face and reassure her.
“But you did. We’re here right now, hm? We have forever with each other. You can’t get rid of me that easily, Ashton.”
“Hel, I’ve never wanted to get rid of you.”
“I know.” She whispers back feeling somewhat guilty.
“It’s just, it’s all over now. I never won an Oscar. I never won a Tony.”
“Awards don’t prove anything.”
“Well, that Razzie award still haunts me to this day.”
This would turn into a carousel of self-deprecation for the blonde if she didn’t nip it in the bud now. It wasn’t going to make her feel better, so she decided to change the subject slightly.
“We still have a few more months before our ten years is up. It might have been your last show, darling, but the nominations for the Tony Awards are just round the corner. I can’t wait to see what you decide to wear.”
“That’s if I get nominated, Hel.”
“Maddie, there is no ‘if’s about it. You were phenomenal.”
“Heleeeeen, you have to say that. You’re my best friend and the love of my life. It’s in the contract.”
“Perhaps,” the ginger woman shrugs, “but I am also an intelligent woman with impeccable taste.”
Helen turns her nose up in a exaggeratedly snooty way. It makes Madeline laugh, which was her sole objective.
They sat there quietly again, before Madeline continued to share more about what’s upsetting her. How she was worried she no longer had purpose. How she needed applause to live. Helen gave her an amused look at the last one, before telling her that it didn’t matter because she was already dead.
“You know what I mean, Hel.” She had replied, rolling her eyes before giggling at her own absurdity. Helen couldn’t help but look at her with so much love.
“That’s my most favourite thing.” Helen said simply. Smiling back at her love.
“What, me at rock bottom? Helen, I thought you loved me.” Madeline pouted, but she had a twinkle in her eye.
“God. No. Madeline.” She sighed. “Your genuine smile and laugh. The way your nose crinkles when something truly tickles you. It’s adorable, and yet I feel I’m the only one who gets to see the real Madeline Ashton.”
“Aww, Hel. You loveeeeee me.”
“Shut up, Mad. That’s not news.”
“Hmm. Perhaps.” Madeline giggled again. “but you’re wrong about the ‘real’ Madeline Ashton. She doesn’t exist.”
“Really? Because I thought she was sitting in my lap listening to me remind her how wonderful she was.”
“No, you have Maddie sitting on your lap.” She punctuated her sentence with a kiss to Helen’s lips. “No one gets to see her, except you, and only ever you.”
Helen felt herself blush. At least she felt what it was like to blush, even if she could no longer do the thing. Madeline sometimes had a way with words that left even Helen breathless.
“You’re the only person ever I’ve let see the real me. You’re the only person who is allowed to call me Maddie for that very reason. Even when we were younger. You’re always honest with me when I’m being dramatic and are the best at making me feel better and see sense. I do terrible things, and you still love me despite it all.”
Helen was about to remind her that they were both capable of horrible things. They wouldn’t be dead if they weren’t. Except, Madeline gave her that look that said ‘don’t even think about trying to argue with me, Sharp’, so she kept her mouth shut on this occasion.
Madeline curled back into Helen’s side, clearly exhausted from all that talking about herself. She hadn’t seen Madeline yawn so candidly in so long.
“Hel, I know it’s still early, but I’m tired and want to go to bed so I can curl up into you as I fall asleep.” Madeline murmured against Helen’s freckled collarbone. Her eyes fluttered closed as she wrapped her arms around the redhead again.
Helen ran her fingers through blonde tresses, causing the woman in her arms to hum with delight.
“Come on then, Mads.” As she got up, she helped steer a sleepy Madeline from the sofa, up the stairs and into their bed.
As Helen tucked Madeline in, before making her way over to her own side of the bed, Madeline looked up at her, eyes wide with vulnerability again.
“Did you really mean all that, Hel, or were you just trying to shut me up?”
Blue eyes staring into her soul as she worried her lip between her teeth, sheets moving higher to hide her face, almost. She always told Helen how she was the one person she trusted on this planet, but even then the blonde was only human and was entitled to some insecurities.
Helen crawled under the covers to join her and laced their fingers together.
“I have always meant it. You are one of my favourite actresses. Always have been, always will be.”
This caused Madeline to abruptly break her hand free from Helen’s caress and tightly wrap her arms around her neck in a hug.
“I’m so lucky to have you back in my life, Hel. Truly.”
“Don’t get soft on me now.” She teased back. “I love you, Mad. Very much.”
“I love you too, Hel.”