Archive of Our Own

Babe

There's something wretched about this

Something so precious about this

Where to begin

Babe

There's something broken about this

But I might be hoping about this

Oh, what a sin

“Anything. Name your price,” Alec says, and the fact of the matter is that he is not lying. He would pay any price, offer up any part of himself, if it means paying for what Magnus did to defend Izzy from being sacrificed on the altar that is the Clave's laws, in the Clave's court.

“What I want,” Magnus says with a wink, “Is you.”

Alec's breath catches in his chest.

It is a request that is not unfamiliar. Magnus has been chasing him for so long, flirting and nudging and calling him pretty boy. For awhile, Alec almost made the mistake of thinking that it might be some sort of sincere want-

But during the case, when discussing Izzy's defense and answering questions about Downworlder magic, Magnus had made an off-handed comment, about virgin shadowhunter energy, something that Alec has done enough research into during those restless, insomniac nights to understand is a real thing. That it is considered something powerful, to be the one to harness said energy, or even to be the one to despoil that energy.

He doesn't think that Magnus' intentions are entirely based on ambition or power or anything like that, but it would certainly be a notch in the belt of a Warlock said to have such experience to say that he bagged a shadowhunter.

And the fact of the matter is that Alec will do anything for Izzy, for Jace, even if it leaves him…unfit for duty. The Clave won't have to find out, right? He can still get married to Lydia in a couple of weeks, and no one has to know. This will be his burden to bear, not theirs.

So Alec swallows and digs in as Magnus' mouth twitches.

And in the instant before Magnus can change his mind, can change his request, Alec blurts out, "Deal. Tomorrow night, then? For-"

Magnus' face lights up, looking pleased as punch. No wonder- he's finally gotten what he wants. "A date, then?"

If that is how Magnus wants to phrase it, sure, they can all it that, even thought Alec knows that there will be little romance to a deal like this.

Alec swallows. He is engaged. He knows his duty, never to touch a man, never to be defiled by the touch of another man, especially not a Downworlder.

(And yet, some part of him craves Magnus and the touch of his skin. Craves to find out, for just one night, what it might be like to just give in and satiate the curiosity, the yearning, the dreams, for just one night before he locks himself away forever. To just get a taste of what he could have. Of what he could have been, in another world, in another life where his skin was not carved with runes and his spine was not carved by the weight of duty.)

"Tomorrow night," he says, and reaches forward to shake Magnus' hand.

Magnus takes Alec's offered hand, smile unflagging, and there you have it- a deal.

---

Alec has to come up with a reason why he will be away from the Institute for what is likely the entire evening, and it is easy to come up with one that he can tell Lydia and his mother- that he has a meeting that he needs to take care of with a representative from another Institute, one of the lesser ones that neither of them will pay much attention to.

But Izzy?

By the angel, Izzy.

Alec would burn down the world for his siblings if it meant that they did not have to breathe in the smoke. 

And so it is not much to ask of him to trade his first time for her. He’d always anticipated that his first time would not be pleasant, a chore to sit through. He just always thought it would be within the sacred bonds of matrimony, traded for a name, an alliance, not to a Warlock.

But at the end of the day, it’s probably better that it happens this way, that he can be honest with her in some very small way, that he can give her what she wants to hear.

And Magnus had asked for a date before the event in question, so Alec swallows down his pride and goes to Izzy, pulling her into his room after training.

“Listen, Izzy,” Alec says, “I need you to promise me not to squeal or tell anyone what I’m about to tell you.”

Izzy immediately turns to him with the brightest of smiles, gaze sparkling. “Do tell me the details, big brother,” she says, managing to make the most formal of addresses sound like something fond and familiar, something between the two of them in the sort of way that reminds him of why he does this. 

And by the angel, to see her dressed as herself again, having defeated the charges, having won, not stripped of her runes-

Alec knows that he has made the best decision, no matter how much it costs him, if it means getting to see his sister looking this happy and free.

So Alec gives her what she wants to hear, closing the door behind them before stepping forward and saying, “I need to know what to wear on a date with the High Warlock of Brooklyn tonight.”

Izzy’s jaw drops. “By the angel, you’re going on a date?” she hisses, but there’s nothing but excitement in her voice. Nothing but support for him, for some version of him that can never come to pass.

She's happy for him, for this night, and he can’t bear to ruin her idea of what is happening. She doesn’t need to know that he's doing this for her, just like he offered himself up on the altar when it came to taking discipline for her and Jace so many times over the years, so that his blood would run instead of theirs. She doesn’t need to know that this is just a bargain, that he’ll come back to the Institute tomorrow and keep arranging his wedding with Lydia and they’ll get married and this will be nothing more than-

Well, nothing more than a dream. A fantasy, never allowed, now fulfilled, easy to turn his back on- no matter how much a voice in the back of his head screams that he is never going to be able to forget Magnus Bane, with the flicker of magic in his gaze, with the way that he stared into Alec’s soul, with the way that his smile lit up Alec’s veins with want.

Alec suffers through Izzy playing dress-up doll with him and his wardrobe, vetoing as little as he can, because he does need to look good for this. He needs to look like he’s making an effort, so that Magnus is pleased, so that this can work out-

(Not because he wants to dress up for his first and only date with a man, a man who is the most gorgeous person he’s ever met, a man that Alec has been dreaming of for so long. Of course not.)

And when Izzy is done playing dress up, Alec ends up asking Izzy about the mechanics of sex.

It’s not like Alec has friends he can go to. 

“Just…in case,” Alec lies, and he knows that he is blushing from ear-to-ear, that he is going to regret this for the rest of his life, but if it can make tonight any better-

Izzy’s smirk only grows. “You really were hiding just how head-over-heels you are for him, weren’t you?”

Alec swallows, hard. He can’t answer that question, because he doesn’t know how to answer it, because he doesn’t know how to balance it with his engagement, because he doesn’t know how to return the words to his mouth if he spoke them aloud.

And it doesn’t matter what he feels, at the end of the day, anyway. All that matters is that Magnus feels like his end of the bargain is fulfilled, because then Alec’s debts will be paid before the wedding and thus his appointment as co-Head of the Institute and that is all that matters.

That is all that can matter.

---

At the end of the day, Alec ends up turning down a lot of Izzy’s more out-there options for dressing up- he needs to be able to move in his clothing if a threat happens, so that takes out a lot of the…tighter options she’d suggested.

But he does dress up. A burgundy button-up. His nicest pair of black jeans. A black blazer that only comes out of his wardrobe for formal occasions.

And he leaves the Institute with her warning to “use protection” ringing in his ears, a thought that he’d never thought he’d have to have.

As teasingly and encouragingly as Izzy had said it, though, it only reminded Alec that tonight is about a mission. A goal that needs to be achieved. A bargain that has to be fulfilled.

Him, and Magnus, and paying the price that shall be Alec’s last sacrifice before he puts himself on the altar for his own matrimony to a woman he will never be able to love as she deserves.

(As for what he deserves- that has never been a question at all, has it?)

But when Alec sees Magnus Bane, the tips of his hair dyed the same electric blue as his magic, the sparkle of blue and gold eyeshadow, applied with such experience, the gorgeous sweep of a brocade jacket over a silk button-up, a collection of necklaces gleaming around his neck-

It is hard, for a moment, to remember all of the reasons why Alec is here. All of the reasons why this is nothing more than just a business transaction.

Because Magnus is breathtaking, and all Alec can think is- I’m underdressed. He’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid eyes on, and I’m underdressed.

Because how could anyone ever be anything but underdressed, unimpressive, compared to Magnus Bane?

Alec has never felt more like a virgin shadowhunter who doesn’t know a single thing about romance or sex before this moment.

Because even as Magnus was flirting with him before, it felt almost like-

Well, it almost felt like Alec was someone that was wanted.

But now, Alec is just a transaction. His sexuality the prize that was acquired through a trade.

He knows he needs to remember that. He knows that he needs to keep in mind the fact that Magnus wants nothing more than you, as payment for services rendered.

And yet, when Magnus smiles, when he says, “Alexander, nice to see you,” dread is far further from Alec’s mind than he knows it should be.

Because if this is it-

If this is the reason why he is wanted-

Then Alec better take as much as he can from this night, right?

So Alec smiles back at Magnus. “Mr. Bane,” he says, trying to be formal with the man that he is going to lose his virginity to by the end of the evening, “Nice to see you, as well.”

Magnus’ smile is teasing, playful, as he says, “Just Magnus, dear Alexander.”

And the way that Magnus says dear makes something shiver down Alec’s spine, impossible to ignore.

---

When Magnus had first said “date” yesterday, Alec had expected to be asked directly back to Magnus’ apartment again, but instead, it seems that Magnus had wanted to actually go out before hand- likely to show off, Alec assumes, but as long as it isn’t in front of the Clave, he can’t protest too highly.

So they make their way into the bar that Magnus had texted Alec the address of- the Hunter’s Moon, a bar that Alec is pretty sure is run by werewolves, though none of them stop the blatant Shadowhunter with the giant deflect rune on his throat from entering the bar, so he doesn’t let that dissuade him.

Tonight is not about politics. Tonight is not about Downworlders and Shadowhunters.

Tonight is about fulfilling one single bargain, between Magnus Bane and Alec Lightwood. About a date, and then going back to Magnus' place to lose his virginity.

So they get to talking, and playing pool, and Alec drinking his second ever cocktail- which burns even through the sugar on the rim, which Magnus laughs fondly at him for.

And this is the dangerous part of the mission.

This is the dangerous part of the mission, because while they’re at the bar, Alec can’t help but learn everything he can about Magnus Bane.

Alec gets to know how, beneath all the flirting, Magnus actually likes being a leader.

It’s easy to see. Not just what Alec has already witnessed from him, during the raid, in Pandemonium, with the Luke situation, but how he interacts with the bartender and the other bar-goers in between his conversation with Alec.

It’s easy to see how much Magnus clearly really does care about all of them. About the fact that he clearly had one goal with this bargain- get into the virgin Shadowhunter’s pants- and yet he is paying enough attention to everyone to spend time asking after people’s friends and families, having meaningful interactions where he brings smiles to people’s faces before always coming back to Alec and making sure that Alec is having a good time

And Alec can’t help himself from admiring that. From falling for that.

Because there is nothing more attractive than someone that cares. 

Alec understands all too well the pressures of being a leader, and also understands all too well how easy it can be to shut yourself off. To close yourself off from your people, because it makes making decisions easier.

But Magnus clearly cares. He addresses everyone by name, asks after their families, smiles at updates on lives, and Alec’s heart is doing something strange inside of his chest. Something that almost makes him think I don’t think I would have minded doing things without the deal, in some other lifetime.

But no good thing lasts forever. Alec knows that all too well.

After Magnus hustles him at pool- an act that Alec finds himself liking a little too much, because it means staring at Magnus’ butt, and the fact of the matter is that he offered himself up to pay a price, but this is allowing him one night to be unapologetic about his own desire, because it’s for a price, because he has to do this, and do it well, so what does it matter if he interacts with Magnus physically, if he lets Magnus nudge his archer’s arms that already know how to aim because it gets them closer together, it gives Magnus what he wants, it’s not Alec’s selfish starving craving whatsoever-

Magnus ends up asking, tone casual, “So, first date, then. I can't deny that I'm curious, Alexander. Is this your first relationship, other than your dear, beautiful beard Miss Branwell?”

Alec swallows. Magnus knows this one, doesn’t he? It’s part of the reason that they’re even here.

Alright. Alec doesn’t know whether it’s the tequila- or the fact that he wants to distract himself from his own feelings, anything to make him not have to focus on the contradictions within his own chest- but he finds himself answering anyway: “None, actually. This is…this is my first.” And before they can linger too much on that answer, before Magnus can think through whether or not Alec is actually going to be fun once they make it back to Magnus’ bed, Alec asks: “What about you?”

Magnus grimaces. “Y’know, seventeen."

“Just seventeen?” Alec’s eyebrow shoots up. Just seventeen? Magnus’ records say that he’s hundreds of years old. Is his reputation that unfounded? Has Alec absolutely misjudged him?

But Magnus’ expression is still pinched, and Alec isn’t an idiot, so he fills in: “Seventeen…hundred?”

Magnus’ expression still doesn’t clear, and in an instant, Alec thinks, a hollow opening up in his chest- I really mean nothing to him, do I? I am nothing more than a speck of dust in a fucking sandstorm. No wonder he didn’t care that much about asking for my virginity for a fucking transaction.

“Seventeen…thousand?”

“Listen, Alexander, that’s all in the past,” Magnus jumps in, offering up Alec a reassuring smile, but Alec cannot unsee the truth of the situation, all of the things that he had been pushing to the side throughout their evening together. 

Of course he’s never been anything more than just a single night.

Alec forces a smile to his lips. "Of course," he says, and takes a drink of his margarita. It tastes far sweeter than anything he is used to, but he manages not to choke on it, instead saying, "And this is the future."

"I can certainly toast to that," Magnus says, and raises his drink in a toast.

Something hard crunches inside of Alec's chest at that- he doesn't know exactly what kind of future Magnus is imagining beyond this evening, and maybe he is just toasting to this evening and the fact that he's going to get the price that he wants by the end of the night- but he still toasts Magnus, because there is some part of Alec Lightwood that cannot help but hope that after this night, after he gets married, he can still do something good with the power in his hands. That this could become some sort of good future for both of them.

---

When they get back to Magnus’ apartment, Alec peels off his jacket.

Alec’s senses are primed to follow all movement. It’s how a Shadowhunter survives out in the field.

So he sees the way that Magnus’ gaze follows Alec’s arms as he peels his jacket off, seeing the lines of an archer’s muscles and form.

Alec knows that he is not the flashiest of Shadowhunters. That he will never be the sort of swordsman that would have attracted all the girls. That he will always be the silver to Jace’s gold.

And yet, Magnus’ attention is fixed on him. Only him.

And there is something in Alec that, despite the circumstances, cannot help but revel in that fact as he sits down on the sofa.

Magnus follows Alec, and offers, with a swish of his finger, "Would you like a drink, Alexander? A nightcap for quite the enjoyable evening?"

Magnus seems content to speak for even longer, to draw this out in the sort of foreplay that Alec has overheard his siblings discuss with friends.

But by the angel. Alec cannot handle this being drawn out any further.

Alec knows that the only thing that Magnus could want from him is the end goal of the night, what lies between his thighs, number 17,001.

And Alec is tired of letting himself pretend that this is anything that it is not.

So Alec lunges forward and cups Magnus’ cheeks in his hands and finally pulls him forward into a kiss.

Magnus tastes of lime and the sugar rim of a tequila and soft, lovely want as his words melt beneath Alec's mouth.

And by the angel, Alec hopes that him initiating is covering up the state of his shaking palms. Maybe it’s masking the awkwardness of this being his first kiss as just excitement of getting into things. He's sure that Magnus doesn’t want someone awkward or afraid on his sofa.

Magnus seems plenty eager, what with the way that he leans into Alec's touch, the way that he opens his mouth to Alec’s eagerness, the way that he actually seems content, even happy, with Alex taking the lead.

And Alec never would have expected that. He is so utterly…inadequate when it comes to things such as intimacy. He has no experience. He had expected Magnus, with his vast wealth of experience, with his jokes about “virgin shadowhunter energy,” to want to take charge. To change Alec's status, to have bragging rights, to get exactly what he wanted out of the evening.

(And Alec, for all of his arguments, for the fact that he has a fiance, would have been…content with that, he thinks.)

But Magnus seems absolutely happy to let Alec lead. To let Alec explore.

And it's easy, in this moment, to forget that this is not something he is supposed to be doing. To actually get lost in the tenderness of kissing, in the soft plush feeling of Magnus’ mouth beneath his.

Because Alec Lightwood knows what this is. He knows all that this could ever be.

But there is something in the way that Magnus touches him that feels…

By the angel, it is heresy to think, Alec knows, and he hopes that the angel will not strike him down for thinking it, but there is something holy in the way that Magnus’ mouth feels against his.

Alec has spent his entire life knowing that the feelings that he harbors inside of his chest go against the rules of being a Shadowhunter. That to be a Shadowhunter necessitates marrying and reproducing and continuing the Lightwood line so that the New York Institute might continue to rest in the right hands. That to be a Shadowhunter is to follow duty and family above all else.

That the desires that he has are profane- unable to even be felt in the presence of the sacred. 

And yet, when his mouth is against Magnus’, when Magnus’ hands are against his hips, when Alec is getting to taste the sweet Eden of Magnus’ mouth-

If this is what sin tastes like, then there is some part of Alec that understands why Eve bit the apple.

And if this is going to be Alec’s one chance to get to taste cider, going to be his one chance to understand what it feels like to indulge, going to be Alec’s one chance to be with Magnus Bane, who sparkles like the sun, who cares about his people, who just maybe could have been the one if Alec was someone else, if he wasn’t long ago crafted into the shape of a Shadowhunter, broken down into the shape of a duty that he wishes he could say he didn’t chafe against-

No. Don’t think about that. Think about Magnus, and the warmth of his body, and the way that it feels when Magnus slips a hand beneath your shirt, his warm, calloused fingers dancing like magic across his skin-

Oh wait. That is actual magic, humming against his skin, this blissful touch that makes his veins come alight.

And his parents have always spoken about how magic is a necessary evil, useful only for portals and wards and potions but something that you should never, ever find yourself tempted by.

But it's hard not to be, when it feels this good. When it feels this reassuring. When it feels like a caress in a way that their rare, rare affection has only ever felt like a slap to the face.

When Alec feels like he is melting away until he is nothing but divine euphoria-

But eventually, because Alec might have Shadowhunter endurance but he is human, he has to break away to catch a breath.

“You, Alexander,” Magnus says, sounding breathless himself, “Are a revelation.”

And Magnus is looking at him like-

Magnus is looking at him like-

Alec knows, objectively speaking, that he is an attractive person. That there is a certain classic handsomeness to the cut of his jaw and that women like the way a man looks when he has abs.

But physical attractiveness is one thing. Emotional intimacy is another. A want to actually be with someone is another.

And there is something about the way that Magnus looks at him that no other person has ever looked at him.

Alec doesn’t know what it is.

If he was honest with himself, he thinks he might want it to be tenderness. Fondness. The sort of thing that you carry when you look at someone that you like, that you just might someday love-

But knowing the situation at hand, the bargain that he made for himself, there is only one answer to the question, isn’t there?

That has to be lust. That has to be nothing more than Magnus, and what he wants from Alec, and the next stop on a list of seventeen thousand others.

And against his will, Alec’s hands start to tremble again.

He doesn’t mean for them to. He shoots dozens of arrows every day, has for a decade, and his hands don't shake when he's fighting demons. He's the best marksman on the East Coast. His hands do not waver.

But in this moment, faced with Magnus looking at him like that-

Alec gets his hands under control quickly enough, because he’s spent his entire life learning how to be the picture of control, perfectly disciplined, body, mind, and soul. Alec isn’t like his siblings. He doesn’t disobey. He doesn’t flaunt the rules of the mission for the sake.

And at the end of the day, no matter what Alec might have wanted this evening to be, no matter the fact that Alec convinced himself, for a few precious, holy moments, that he might be wanted for himself, the truth of the matter is that he made a bargain, and every Shadowhunter understands the importance of following rules laid out.

So Alec flashes what he hopes is a seductive smile- though without much of a reference, he’s not sure if he accomplishes it- and leans back in, hands going to Magnus’ waistline, so that he might finally get started the thing that Magnus has wanted all along-

But Magnus frowns. “Alexander,” he says, voice slow, and Alec’s heart falls as Magnus points out, “You’re stiff. Is everything alright? Did I do something wrong? You know we don’t need to go all the way on the first night-”

First night?

Alec had thought that this was only a trade for one night, but Magnus hadn’t really specified an end of the deal, and-

There is some part of Alec that imagines a version of his life where he is forever tied to Magnus, doing whatever Magnus wants, and there is some part of him that doesn’t hate it, shockingly enough. That if this night is an indication of the future, of how tender and generous and kind as Magnus can be, then Alec would not mind spending the rest of his life here, getting to forget, getting to indulge in what he wants and not what he's supposed to have.

But Alec could never give up being Head of the Institute, could never give up on his people, and thus he needs to make this night count. Needs to be good enough for Magnus that he feels satisfied that Alec has paid his end of the bargain.

“Of course not,” Alec says, because it is him that is wrong, him that forgot the rules of the what was going on, the stakes of the bargain made. It is not Magnus’ fault, after all, that Alec wants more. Wants more than a bargain, wants more than a loveless marriage, wants to be wanted in such a way for more than just a night of intimacy. 

Alec leans in again, fingers moving beneath the waistline of Magnus’ pants, because he knows the mechanics of a handjob and a blowjob, he has done enough research on the mechanics of sex in order to make tonight work, he made sure to ask Izzy.

Alec shakes his head. “I know what I traded for. I'm not going to back out.”

Alec leans forward to kiss Magnus, to move his hand, to prove his point, to show Magnus exactly how much he means what he’s saying, but Magnus freezes beneath him, his hand slipping from beneath Alec’s shirt- a loss, Alec aches to realize, because he liked it when Magnus was touching him, liked it when he could feel the warmth of Magnus’ hand and magic against his skin.

“What do you mean,” Magnus says, voice as brittle and cold as a snowflake, “A trade?”

What kind of question is that? Magnus knows the terms of the bargain as well as Alec does. As repayment for Magnus being Izzy’s defender, Alec would give up himself. Simple as that.

Alec's brow furrows. “You asked for me, didn't you?" That's not something that can easily be misinterpreted. Magnus had asked for Alec, had asked for him, and Alec had given that, as the price for Magnus' work- his good work- defending Izzy from the Inquisitor. Simple as that.

But Magnus doesn't seem to see it as something as simple as Alec does, because in an instant, Magnus is scrambling back from Alec, something dark blue crackling against his skin, this juddering, raw snap of emotion.

And there is something in Alec’s chest that mourns the loss of Magnus’ warmth against his own body, that aches for Magnus’ hands to come back to him.

“I never- I never would have been with you, if I'd known that you thought-" Magnus swallows, and Alec can hear the shallow, staccato pace of his breathing, drawing short and panicked in his chest. "I was flirting with you, I thought you understood- how could you ever trade yourself like that?”

And Alec’s heart stops. Because if this isn’t what Magnus wanted- if this isn’t why he was here- then what is he here for?

There has to be another explanation. There has to be another answer.

“What was I supposed to understand?” Alec asks. “That’s what you asked for-”

But Magnus’ expression is sharp, his mouth twisted downward, his expression a plea. “I was trying to give you an out, Alexander, and if I’d for one moment thought that the only reason you would go on a date with me was out of a sense of obligation-”

“It's not like I haven’t done something similar before,” Alec interrupts.

Magnus’ expression drops. He wilts.

“You've traded your- your body before?” Magnus asks, and he almost sounds heartbroken by the news. But then his brow furrows. “But you're a virgin, you said so, I felt it when you shared your energy-”

Alec blushes. “Not my body. Not like- not like that. I just took on more…disciplinary actions when my siblings. This is not exactly the first time that Izzy or Jace has done something against their duty and gotten in trouble. It’s the first time that the Clave was involved, thank the Angel, and so I was able to just…take their punishments before.”

(Alec shivers at the memory of being forced into training hours upon hours more than anyone else, because Izzy and Jace mastered things so much quicker than he did and then were reckless enough to misuse those tricks to mess up missions.

The hours reaching towards the dawn, stringing arrow after arrow until he hit every bullseye. The hours at the punching bag without gloves because “real Lightwood men” don’t need the protection.

Hours with the agony rune, one final touch to cement what would happen to him or Izzy or Jace if he let them fuck up again, because as Acting Head of the Institute, their fuck ups were his fuck-ups, because Shadowhunters are only ever extensions of their commander.)

“Alexander,” Magnus says, and he says Alec’s name like a wound.

Alec shrugs. “It’s what was necessary,” he says, “Lightwoods break noses and accept the consequences.”

“Except you took on their consequences. By Lilith, Alexander Lightwood, you would blow up the ground beneath your own feet if it meant protecting the people you love, wouldn’t you?”

“Like you wouldn't do the same for a warlock,” Alec says, because he's seen that, by now. He saw it when they met, saw it when he sacrificed for Luke, saw it when they were in the bar.

Somehow, that only makes Magnus seem more hurt, and Alec doesn’t know why, because it’s the highest compliment he can give to Magnus’ honor. “What makes you say that?”

“Because you clearly care as much about your people as I do,” Alec says, and Magnus’ expression unfurls.

There is something in Alec that aches to reach out. To pull Magnus back down on the sofa, because it feels strange to be the only one standing, because Alec’s skin aches without the warmth of Magnus’ touch and Magnus’ magic against it.

(It is a strange thing, to spend his entire life having the fact that Downworlders are not like us reinforced, and to understand that Magnus is different, unlike any Shadowhunter, but that his magic felt so good, so excited to spend time with Alec, and now Alec knows that that was not due to a trade, not due to what Magnus saw as the inevitable ending, where Magnus would get to add number 17,001, but rather because Magnus had, impossibly, wanted to spend time with Alec.)

“I watched you with the little warlocks when there was the raid, and with Luke, and I saw you in the bar, with people who weren’t even your warlocks, and-” Alec swallows. “If it’s something I would do, then I could see that it would be something that you would do.”

Magnus almost looks brittle, now, and it is not a state that suits him. He is meant to be confident, meant to be sparkling, not look wearier than the centuries that he carries on his shoulders.

And Alec hates that he is the one who has pressed Magnus down like this. The one that undid him like this. He much preferred the version of Magnus undone that he was witnessing earlier, the Magnus that had been kissing him without thinking too hard about it.

Magnus snaps and pushes him away, literally reaches out and shoves Alec’s chest back, just a bit, as he stands and bites out, “Consider all debts paid. I will not have you like this, with you feeling like you have to be here. You can leave, Alexander Lightwood.”

Magnus snaps his fingers, blue magic streaming through the air, and Alec's jacket appears in his lap, for him to put it on, for him to exit through the door of the loft and leave this night behind.

And something unfurls inside of Alec’s chest.

There is nothing keeping him here. No bargain. No agreement. Nothing save himself, and his own soul.

And he could leave.

By the angels, he could leave, and not a single person would blame him. Not his commanders, not Izzy, not Magnus. 

No one would ever have to know about the evening that Alec Lightwood spent playing pool and then sinking into Magnus Bane's couch, indulging in the soft press of Magnus' mouth against his. No one would have to know about the soft tangle of emotions in Alec's chest, impossible to unravel without losing his mind. No one would ever have to know about the fact that Alec lost a part of his heart to Magnus Bane here on this night.

And yet-

Alec doesn’t move from his seat on the couch. From his spot, with the couple of buttons undone on his shirt, with his heart hammering in his chest because he understood Magnus Bane more than he ever could have dreamed of.

And the words slip from his mouth, far easier than he would have predicted: “But what if I want to be here?”

It's not a sentiment Alex would have let himself feel a few hours ago, but he has the memory of Magnus’ mouth against his, sweet and intoxicating and divine as can be.

Magnus had let Alec lead, had let him explore, because he genuinely liked him- an impossible thought, and yet, somehow true.

Magnus' response is incredulous. “Why in the world would you want to be somewhere where you thought I asked your affection for the price of paying a debt?”

And the answer is a simple one: “Because I'm realizing that you just…wanted to be with me. And you're the first person that has ever wanted that.”

Magnus’ expression flickers, and guilt crunches in Alec's chest.

Alec made a lot of assumptions, he is now realizing, about Magnus' character, about his intentions, all because Alec couldn't believe that Magnus had just wanted him, simply and wholly as that. He had thought that you could only refer to one thing, because of course the High Warlock of Brooklyn could only want one thing from a repressed, virgin Shadowhunter who would never have let something out otherwise.

"And I-” Alec swallows. “I’m sorry, for the assumptions that I made, about your intentions. And I get if you don’t want to be with me because of the assumptions that I made-”

“That’s not it, Alexander,” Magnus says, and he finally sits back down on the sofa in the space that he vacated, the space that Alec has wanted so badly for him to occupy. Something in Alec's heart settles at the action. “I did say that I wanted you, all of you, and I meant it, even if things went so sour in the middle. The fact that you were willing to trade so much for the sake of your siblings- it speaks to your heart."

“And now that I know that it wasn’t for a deal-” Alec cannot help the blush that is rising to his cheeks. By the angel, now that he knows the full scope of what was happening-

Alec is suddenly so much more self-conscious than he was before. Self-conscious about how he just let himself go, let himself fall into this because he thought that if there wasn't a net at the bottom of the cliff, then it didn't matter how quickly he fell.

But now that he knows that there is a net, that it might actually matter how this proceeds, that he can't go back to a life before this, before Magnus Bane decided to want Alec for more than just a night of fun-

“Fuck. By the angel-"

Reality crashes back in.

Alec swallows. “I’m- I’m getting married in a couple of weeks. I shouldn’t- you shouldn’t have to-”

Magnus arches a perfect eyebrow, and his gaze feels like it’s drilling into Alec’s soul, peaking underneath of rocks he can’t bear to let anyone see beneath as he says, “Are you sure you’re still getting married next week?" He reaches forward and takes Alec’s hand in his. “I cannot pretend to think that a night laboring under misconceptions like this is going to sway your mind anymore than yesterday. But I wasn’t born yesterday. I know that you enjoyed that." He lets out a sharp, self-deprecating laugh. “I wouldn’t have been able to convince myself that you were here willingly otherwise.”

“That was-” Alec’s throat grows tight. How does he describe kissing Magnus without breaking down babbling, words unable to quite cover the sheer valley that he fell into, the euphoria that he felt when their mouths were against one another’s?

At the end of it all, only the truth can slip from his mouth: “It felt like the answer to a prayer.”

Magnus’ eyes go wide.

In an instant, something gleams in his eyes- tears or gold, Alec can’t tell, especially as Magnus quickly ducks his head, squeezing his eyes shut.

And Magnus lets out another laugh, but this one feels far lighter, far fonder, than the one that he just let out. “No one has ever described me like that, Alexander. You don’t exactly use language to describe someone with demon blood.”

“But it’s the truth,” Alec says, “Being with you- kissing you- even when I thought that I had to, it was relieving, in a way, because it meant that I got to kiss you.” Alec’s cheeks are on fire, he knows, but he can’t stop talking. He can’t stop, because Magnus’s hand is dropping from his face, and he is looking up at Alec, and his eyes are golden, cat’s eye gold, because Alec is getting to see his warlock mark and it is more beautiful than any of the stained glass windows in the Institute have ever been. Magnus is the most beautiful thing that he’s ever seen. “And…”

It’s the truth, that Alec felt more of the touch of the divine, more of a fucking miracle, in his time kissing Magnus than he ever has kneeling in his bedroom growing up, spending hours on his knees praying to the angel to fix him so that he could be a proper husband and have a proper wife and be the proper Shadowhunter and proper Head of the Institute that everyone needed him to be.

All of Alec Lightwood’s life, he has been fighting to become the sort of Shadowhunter that his parents could be proud of. The sort of Shadowhunter that follows his duties and breaks himself into the shape of the Lightwood man that he was meant to be, that he had to be, so that his siblings could be free to make the choices that he could not.

And how could Alec go back to what he had before, when there is all of this on the table, all of these answers to every prayer that he was convinced could only be answered in him being fixed?

When the words rise to his lips, that argument that he has been making himself for so long, they are weaker than he'd wish: “I can’t. I- I shouldn’t. Not if it means my siblings. I cannot trade my own happiness for theirs.”

“If they deserve to be selfish,” Magnus says, and reaches out a hand to Alec. Alec cannot help himself; he takes Magnus’ hand in his once again, marvelling at the feeling of Magnus’ rings and his painted nails and everything that is so at odds with the clean, sterile, perfectly ordered environment of the Institute and its millions of rules and millions of expectations. “Then why don’t you?”

“Because I- because I-” Alec cannot finish the statement. 

He wants to. He needs to.

But he cannot.

Because Magnus is looking at him, gaze soft, trusting him with his Warlock mark, that thing that so many Circle members have tried to steal and cement over for so long, and Magnus is the most sacred thing that Alec has ever known, and-

Alec’s fingers squeeze around Magnus’.

Alec’s siblings have always been the most important people in the world to him. Izzy, Jace, Max- they are his, and always have been, since their parents have been so absent and so intent on pleasing the Inquisitor and Alec was the one that raised them, basically on his own, made sure that they were given bedtime stories and snuck desserts and allowed to have the childhood that he never did.

But they’re growing up, now, and by the angel, Alec wants this so much-

“I think I need to break-up with my fiance,” Alec says, and it could be such a mundane thing to say, but he can feel the world severing itself around him as he says it. As he admits that he has to be someone that he is, rather than someone that his parents want. “And if you’d be okay with it- maybe I could be number 17,001?”

“You are far more than a number on a list,” Magnus says, and there is something painfully sincere in his voice that makes Alec's heart leap in his chest. "I need you to understand that. This was never about that. And I hope you understand-"

"I don't care about the number of people you've been with before," Alec says, hope surging painfully high between his ribs. "As long as you can be patient as I figure out what to do with the current one of mine."

Magnus' smile is brighter than the Angel's halo as he says, "Now that is a bargain I can definitely live with-"

And Alec cannot help but lean in and kiss him, because finally, finally, Alec understands that he is not just wanted for what is beneath his clothes- though he wouldn't mind letting Magnus get a glimpse at that, he can have the time he needs to figure it out, the time it takes to get to know Magnus, the time it takes to get to know himself- but rather the rest of him, and for the first time in his life, Alec Lightwood finds the answer to his prayers.

Babe

There's something tragic about you

Something so magic about you

Don't you agree

Babe

There's something lonesome about you

Something so wholesome about you

Get closer to me