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Eddie Diaz was in love with Evan Buckley. Like, stupidly in love with him. And it made his heart race, made his soul sing, to know Buck loved him right back.
They’d been together for six months now, after years of dancing round each other and their feelings, and those months had truly been the best time of Eddie’s life. Buck had now moved in with Eddie and Chris, and Eddie had never been happier.
Buck brought life, joy and love into everything he did. And light. He literally lit up the world. He lit up Eddie’s world.
But Eddie had noticed Buck’s light had dimmed recently. He’d always known Buck struggled every so often with the frankly ridiculous amount of trauma he’d had to process but, until they actually got together, Eddie hadn’t been aware of just how hard Buck found it at times.
It had become one of the major goals of Eddie’s life to help Buck face that darkness.
These last two weeks had been really hard, though. Eddie had felt Buck put distance between them. Intentionally. Just a little at first. Less eye contact, no secret smiles, fewer casual touches. Nothing Eddie tried seemed to reach Buck, nothing bridged the gap.
At first, Eddie had panicked. Was Buck pulling away from him? After their long build up, was Buck done with him already? Eddie knew that would break his heart, break him.
Then Eddie took a breath and really watched Buck, watched what he was doing. He saw that this brilliant, beautiful man, the love of his life, was drawing back from everyone. Buck started making excuses as to why he couldn’t babysit Jee-yun. He missed movie night with Chris. He stopped cooking with Bobby at the firehouse. Everything Eddie knew Buck lived for, he seemed to be denying himself. Like he was pulling back from all the things that gave him joy.
Eddie saw Buck’s light was fading, and he didn’t know how to stop it happening. He tried to talk to Buck about it, but Buck always had a reason, a ready excuse. He made it sound like nothing was wrong, made out like he was fine.
But Eddie saw right through it. He saw the distance grow, like Buck was isolating himself. It almost felt like Buck was getting ready to leave, Eddie realised that terrified him. Maybe Buck was ready to move on again.
Maybe Eddie just wasn’t enough for him to stay for.
Then, one night, Buck didn’t come home.
They had had a terrible shift. Long, busy, and draining. Nothing went their way. They had lost people, and Buck had taken the losses hard. Harder than normal. He’d shrunk into himself further with every call. Disappearing first to the showers, then the bunk room, as soon as they got back to the firehouse each time. He didn’t join the rest of the team to eat. Didn’t slouch across one of the couches sharing random, interesting facts. At the end of the shift, he didn’t say anything to anyone, he just disappeared up to the roof.
They all knew that was where Buck went when he needed space. When he felt things too keenly, or things in his head got too loud.
No one tried to stop him.
Everyone was worried.
“You got him tonight, Eddie?” Hen asked. “He shouldn’t be on his own. He’s already been struggling.”
Of course Hen had seen it too.
“I know, Hen. He’s not doing great right now. I’m trying, but he’s pulling away. I-I’m worried but I don’t know what to do.”
Hen sighed. “Sometimes Buck gets too far in his own head. I guess you have to try and remind him he’s not alone in this.”
Eddie nodded.
“You two are so good together” Hen continued seriously. “We always knew how much he’d bring to your life, but you’re good for him too. Before you sorted things out, I was kinda worried. He went to some really dark places in his previous relationships, emotionally. I just didn’t know what would happen if you guys didn’t work it out. I didn’t think he’d survive having to go through something like that again. But, since you got together, he’s been radiant. Right until the last couple of weeks. Now he looks… lost again, somehow.”
Hen reached out and put a hand on Eddie’s shoulder.
“He’s never had someone love him like you do, you know. Someone who loves him just as he is. It’s still so new and I don’t think he really trusts it won’t just vanish. That you won’t vanish.”
Eddie actually laughed, though without humour. “He’s crazy if he thinks I’m ever willingly gonna let him go. Not after how long it took to get here. Not when I love him this much.”
Hen shrugged. “We both know Buck can get a little crazy sometimes”.
Eddie knew. He knew about the 2am research rabbit holes, the obsessive need to help everyone, the spiralling. He knew about Buck’s sometimes crippling self doubt.
“I know he can, but that’s Ok. I got him. All of him.”
Hen smiled broadly “I know you do.”
Eddie gave her a tight grin. But, as he walked away, he felt the heaviness of worry settle back across his shoulders.
He found Buck leaning on the edge of the roof, unseeing eyes staring out at the horizon. Buck stiffened at Eddie’s footsteps, but he didn’t turn, didn’t acknowledge his presence.
“Hey baby, you Ok?” Eddie asked, wrapping an arm round Buck’s waist.
Buck just Hmmed in response.
“Hard shift” Eddie tried again.
Another Hmmm.
“Ride back home with me?” Eddie almost pleaded, with very little hope Buck would say yes. They had driven separately this morning, another sign that Buck was putting distance between them. He’d given a vague explanation about needing to run an errand later, but Eddie saw through it.
He knew Buck was avoiding him.
Buck looked up and Eddie saw the sadness in his eyes. It was heartbreaking.
Then Buck finally spoke, his words coloured by exhaustion and smoke.
“Nah, Eds. I got the jeep. I have to stop and do something on the way home, I like said this morning. I’ll be there later.”
Eddie frowned. “I could come with you. I could pick the truck up next shift.” He moved closer and leaned in to his boyfriend. “I’ll miss you if you make me go home alone.” Usually, after a little flirting, Buck would do whatever Eddie asked. Not anymore, though.
Buck smiled at Eddie’s obvious attempt to persuade him, but Eddie noticed it didn’t reach his eyes.
“You’ll cope without me. Everyone always does.” Buck said it like it was supposed to be a joke, but Eddie knew it wasn’t. He hated that Buck sometimes felt that way.
But he also didn’t want to push.
Pressing a kiss to Buck’s forehead, he said softly “Please come home as soon as you can. I need you tonight.”
Buck looked down as his shoes. “I will.”
“Promise?” Eddie held out his little finger.
This time, the grin Buck gave Eddie as he offered his own pinky finger was genuine. It didn’t last long though.
“Buck…” Eddie started, but he found his mouth stopped with a kiss.
“It’s Ok, Eds. I’ll try not to be too late.”
—————————————————
Buck was late. He hadn’t come home like he’d promised, and Eddie was climbing the walls.
Chris was at the latest in what seemed to be an endless procession of sleep overs. Eddie was alone in the kitchen. And he was worried. Beyond worried at this point. He needed to know where his boyfriend was. He needed to hold Buck, to make sure he was safe. They needed to talk.
He’d tried calling Buck twice, and both times it had gone to voicemail.
He’d sent Buck three texts that had all been left on read. He’d couldn’t send any more without moving from concerned boyfriend to overbearing stalker.
Stalker. Eddie realised he was an idiot. He opened his phone and clicked on the app they used to share their location with each other.
He saw the pin marking Buck’s location on the map.
Griffith Park. The Hollywood Sign.
Why would Buck be there?
Then his heart froze. He remembered the documentary that they’d watched in bed, very late one night a few weeks back. Right before Buck started to distance himself. It was about the tragic history of different LA landmarks.
“After taking one last look across the city, the young man leapt to his death.”
No. No. Surely not.
Eddie grabbed his keys and sprinted for his truck.
It was late enough that the LA traffic was easing slightly. Eddie tried to call Buck again and again as he headed toward Griffith Park. He still didn’t pick up. Knuckles white, Eddie gripped the steering wheel, willing the journey to go faster.
Twilight was turning to true night as Eddie pulled his truck to a stop on Mount Lee Drive, right behind looked Buck’s jeep. But there was no sign of Buck himself. Eddie checked Buck’s location on his phone again. He was right on top of him. Eddie turned and jogged away from the road, down hill slightly, till he came to a black wire fence.
Buck was there, leaning on the fence, water bottle in hand, staring out across LA. The Hollywood Sign, practically glowing in the darkness, was directly below them.
Eddie breathed in relief, possibly for the first time since leaving his house.
Moving closer to Buck, he leaned on the railings next to his boyfriend. He didn’t touch him, didn’t say anything. He just stood there.
“Hey, Eds” Buck’s voice was tired.
No questions. No How did you find me? No Why are you here?
“Hey, cariño” Eddie replied, his tone neutral. “You didn’t come home like you promised.” It was an observation, not an accusation.
“No, not yet” Buck agreed.
“I was worried, so I checked where you were. I hope you don’t mind.”
Buck didn’t say anything.
“I have to say, baby, it just made me more worried when I saw you were here. Especially after the shift today.”
Eddie looked sideways at Buck, who was still staring out at the twinkling lights of the city spread below them.
“I was going to ask if you are Ok” Eddie said carefully “but I don’t think you are. I don’t think you have been for a while.”
Buck still said nothing.
“Is it… is it us? Are you unhappy? Because if you are…”
That finally brought a reaction. Buck turned to look at Eddie, reached out and rested his own large, warm hand on top of Eddie’s.
“No” he said quietly. “Never that. I could never be tired of you. I love you too much.”
“Then what, sweetheart? You can talk to me, my love.”
Buck sighed.
“I don’t really know what you want me to say, Eddie.”
Eddie moved closer, so their shoulders were touching.
“Can you at least tell me why we’re here?”
“I like the view of the city, Eds. I like looking out at all the people, their lives. Sometimes I feel like everything is overwhelming. Like it’s all too much, you know? Like I’m drowning. But here I can get perspective, like whatever I’m feeling isn’t important, it doesn’t matter.”
Eddie’s breath caught in his throat.
“Baby, please don’t think that’s true. You are important. You are the love of my life. You are half of my world. You and Chris together are everything. Your feelings are so important, matter so much, to me and to everyone that loves you.”
Wrapping his arms around his boyfriend, Eddie pulled Buck close, then spoke softly into his chest.
“I know sometimes you struggle. I’ve seen it, and I’ve seen you fight it. I know it’s hard. I think you’re finding it really hard right now. But you don’t have to face those feelings alone any more. You have me now. I will always be there, standing with you. You just have to let me in.”
Eddie kissed Buck gently on the cheek. Then he took a deep breath before carrying on.
“I need you to be honest with me, querido. I love you, and you never need to be scared to tell me the truth. Were you coming home tonight? Or” Eddie had to swallow before he could continue “were you…”. No, he couldn’t say it. He couldn’t ask the question that would make his deepest fears real.
But Buck just looked at him blankly. Confused. “Of course I was coming home, Eddie. I just need to clear my head and I lost track of time. You think I didn’t want to come home to you? That I don’t love you?”
Buck looked worried now.
“Eds, you have to know I love you.”
“Hush, baby. I know, I do. I was just scared you might… want to hurt yourself. Or...” Eddie left the thought hanging between them like something sharp. Dangerous.
Buck went pale.
“Eddie, no. Never. I couldn’t do that. Wouldn’t. Not when I have so much to lose now. And I couldn’t hurt you, or Chris like that. Or Maddie. God, Eddie, why would you think that?”
The truth of Buck’s words was obvious. Relief almost overwhelmed Eddie. Suddenly he found himself sobbing into his boyfriend’s arms.
“I-I guess I just saw you pulling away, struggling, and you didn’t say anything. You wouldn’t let me help. You’ve been struggling, quiet, distant. Then today, that shift, was so hard. And, just now, what you said about not being important, about your feelings not mattering….”
“Hey, hey, no. Maybe what I said wasn’t clear. This place makes me see that what I’m stressing about doesn’t matter, that when I’m feeling overwhelmed there is still a bigger picture. A picture with Maddie, and the 118. With Chris.
With you.
The last few weeks have been so hard. But not for the reasons you think. I realised I have what I’ve always wanted. Everything. I have Chris, I have you. Maddie and Chim. Everyone else. A family. But that means that all that can happen moving forward is that I can lose those things. Like from here out it can only get worse. And I know that doesn’t make sense, but it just keeps running through my head. All the ways I can mess this up. All the ways I can lose you. Lose any of the people who are important in my life. I tried to keep a lid on it, but I couldn’t. I didn’t realise I was pulling away so much. I guess I just didn’t want to be a burden, to anyone but especially to you. I love you, Eddie, and I don’t want to be something else for you to worry about. So I hid how I felt.”
Buck laughed grimly.
“Not very well, though, obviously.“
Eddie leaned up and kissed Buck. It wasn’t soft, but urgent. Fierce. Driven by need.
“You are never a burden. You never could be. Not to me, and not to anyone else that loves you. And, for the record, I don’t want you to hide anything from me. I love you too, and being in love with someone means supporting them, helping them through things, and not letting them face things alone.”
Eddie kissed Buck again.
“You don’t have to struggle through things alone any more, cariño. You never did. I would always have been there for you. You just had to reach out. Now, though, you just don’t get to shut me out. I am your boyfriend, your partner in every sense. You are it for me, and I will be by your side through every joy, every worry, every fear. But you have to talk to me. I didn’t understand. I thought… you were getting ready to leave. I’ve been so frightened you would just disappear.”
This time Eddie pressed his lips to the flushed birthmark above Buck’s eye that he loved so much.
“You have to let me in” he whispered “and ask for help when you need it.”
Buck pulled Eddie close, their foreheads touching.
“I love you so much, Eddie. Sometimes I forget you love me too. I can’t quite believe it can be true. I get in my head about that, and then I can’t process anything else. I just find it hard to remember you’re mine”.
“Well, I am. And you’re mine, and I love you.”
Eddie closed his eyes.
“And you scared me tonight. You shut me out. You didn’t come home. And you came here.”
Buck reached out and wiped a tear from Eddie’s cheek. Eddie hadn’t even realised he was crying. He hugged Eddie close and breathed him in.
“Why does Griffith Park bother you so much, Eddie?” Buck asked quietly.
“Not the park. The Hollywood sign. The documentary we watched. The guy who… jumped.”
Buck froze for a moment. Then his arms pressed Eddie to him even tighter.
“I’m sorry to be late home” he whispered into Eddie’s hair. “I didn’t mean to worry you.”
Eddie took a step back and looked into Buck’s eyes. “You can’t be late home until you actually make it home, you know. Can we go home now, please?”
He held out his hand to Buck.
Buck took a deep breath and looked out again across the city. Home. Did LA feel like home? It was the place he’d lived the longest, other than Hershey. And Hersey was not home.
The memories of the other places he’d lived flowed through Buck’s mind like a river. He didn’t think any of them felt like home. Not really.
Because his home wasn’t a place.
His home was a person.
Eddie was his home.
Buck took Eddie’s outstretched hand and gave him the first proper smile he’d seen from his boyfriend in weeks. His light up the room smile. No, his light up the world smile.
Eddie took that as a sign, and kissed him again.