Chapter Text
It was selfish of Yue Qingyuan, to keep imposing on Shen Qingqiu's time like this. He knew that the man hated him, that every visit would only end in a cold or furious demand for him to get out. He knew that they could not exchange more than four or five sentences before an argument happened. He knew that despite ostensibly visiting Shen Qingqiu in order to have tea with him, it was surpassingly rare for them to remain in proximity with each other long enough to actually drink any tea.
But Yue Qingyuan also knew that he was selfish. He knew that, when he woke at night in a cold sweat, with his scars burning like they were still bleeding, still fresh, with the walls of his room closing in like the unforgiving stone of a cave, with the darkness seeming to clog his lungs and make it impossible to catch his breath—
He knew that the only thing that would finally still the near-imperceptible tremor in his fingers, that would ease the twisted snarl of panic gnawing at his insides, was getting to see Shen Qingqiu.
He knew that Shen Qingqiu was a part of Cang Qiong Mountain Sect, that he wasn't trapped in the Qiu Manor and suffering, that he wasn't buried in an unmarked and ash-covered grave, but after the bad nights, his heart refused to believe that until it was given proof.
Nothing made the anxiety go away like seeing Shen Qingqiu. Yue Qingyuan had still failed him, was still failing him, was still useless, but Shen Qingqiu was still alive. He was alive and protected in spite of Yue Qingyuan's failings, his weakness.
Yue Qingyuan probably didn't deserve to feel relief when he saw Shen Qingqiu, but he did nonetheless. Mixed guilt and relief, but relief regardless.
And so, he made regular visits to Qing Jing Peak in spite of the distaste and disdain of its lord. He would bring presents along, a hollow attempt at compensating Shen Qingqiu for being exploited to ease the heart demons of his Sect Leader, but it wasn't truly a fair exchange.
The shame of it had never stopped Yue Qingyuan before, and it hadn't stopped Yue Qingyuan today, either.
The door to the bamboo house opened and Shen Qingqiu took in the sight of Yue Qingyuan on his doorstep with a scoff. "So it's you again," he drawled, flicking his fan dismissively. After a heartbeat of a pause, just long enough to make his reluctance clear, he stepped aside and gestured for Yue Qingyuan to come through the doorway. "I suppose you may as well come in."
"Thanking Qingqiu-shidi for his indulgence of this one," Yue Qingyuan replied politely as stepped over the threshold and made his way to the low tea table where Shen Qingqiu received visitors.
"Hmn, don't get used to it," Shen Qingqiu retorted, striding past Yue Qingyuan to take his own seat. His gaze flicked to the box that Yue Qingyuan set down on the table. "What did you bring this time?"
Yue Qingyuan pushed the box across the table to Shen Qingqiu. "It is only a small token, I found a tea set that I thought shidi might like," he explained as Shen Qingqiu pulled open the lid and inspected the delicate ceramics within.
Shen Qingqiu scoffed as he picked up a cup and let sunlight play over the painted crane in flight that had been carefully etched onto it. "Another tea set? I already have three shelves full, are you trying to make extra work for my disciples when it comes to dusting?"
Yue Qingyuan lowered his eyes. "Apologies, shidi, I did not realize that I was being inconsiderate—"
"What made you think that apologies are what I want from you? If that's all that you have to say to me then you can get lost," Shen Qingqiu interrupted him, sounding annoyed.
Yue Qingyuan felt his shoulders slump slightly and he began to get to his feet. It was the same as always, they barely managed to exchange five sentences before Yue Qingyuan irritated Shen Qingqiu. Perhaps he should have been more taciturn to prolong their interaction if only a little longer. It was too late now, though. "As Qingqiu-shidi wishes."
Shen Qingqiu's head snapped up from his inspection of the tea set and his glare landed squarely on Yue Qingyuan. "Where do you think you're going?" he demanded.
Yue Qingyuan faltered. "Qingqiu-shidi requested me to—"
"To get lost? Are you planning on doing that on my peak? Don't be idiotic, my disciples are hopeless enough without them being spooked by finding the Sect Leader aimlessly wandering around the bamboo forests. Sit down," Shen Qingqiu demanded.
Yue Qingyuan obediently sank back down onto the cushion. "As Qingqiu-shidi wishes."
Shen Qingqiu rolled his eyes. "You're hopeless."
"Yes, shidi," Yue Qingyuan agreed, lowering his gaze to the hands he folded in his own lap.
"…You're sad," Shen Qingqiu remarked, a strange tone coming into his voice. "Who's making you sad? Who do I need to kill?"
"What?" Yue Qingyuan said, raising his head to find Shen Qingqiu staring at him intently.
"It's one of the damn peak lords, isn't it? Someone isn't pulling their weight and leaving you to clean up their mess? I know you like being conciliatory, Qi-ge, but you can't let the idiots walk all over you. Tell me who's causing you problems; I'll make sure they fix it. I won't even kill them, if you really insist."
Yue Qingyuan's mouth dropped open and he gaped at Shen Qingqiu for a moment in disbelief. "You… what?" he finally sputtered out.
Shen Qingqiu's scowl grew deeper and he narrowed his eyes. "What's wrong with you? Are you sick?"
What Yue Qingyuan was currently experiencing certainly felt like some kind of fever dream! He surreptitiously pinched himself to try to check but the impossible Shen Qingqiu didn't disappear. "I… I'm not sure. I think it may be best if we both make a visit to Qian Cao?" Yue Qingyuan tried, unsure if whatever was causing the madness was a result of something being wrong with him or with Shen Qingqiu.
Shen Qingqiu frowned and immediately rose from his seat, clasping Yue Qingyuan by the arm and tugging him upright. The man did not let go of Yue Qingyuan's arm even after they were both standing, instead tugging on it as he lead them both out of the bamboo house at a trot. "It must be something serious if you're willing to be brought to Qian Cao Peak without a fight," he muttered, and almost looked worried.
"Yes, I rather think it is," Yue Qingyuan replied, a creeping sense of wrongness beginning to claw its way up his spine.
While Shen Qingqiu half-dragged him over the rainbow bridges towards Qian Cao Peak, Yue Qingyuan did his best to try to spot any evidence of his surroundings being some kind of dream or illusion. The disciples that they passed gave the pair of them odd looks, but they all had clear and visible faces; the embroidery on the hems of their uniforms also seemed to be accurate to Yue Qingyuan's memory. The qi signature of the rainbow bridges appeared unchanged, and Yue Qingyuan could read the signs that they passed without any issue or confusion. The geography of the area surrounding the mountains looked no different from the last time Yue Qingyuan observed it. There were no telltale signs of the world around him being some kind of false construct or a figment of imagination.
That largely ruled out the most plausible explanation for the current situation, though Yue Qingyuan supposed that if he was having some sort of mental break it would be unlikely that he could rely on his senses to identify that.
He would have to reassess the potential unreality of his surroundings if Mu Qingfang turned out to not find Shen Qingqiu's behaviour bizarre, but for now he should proceed assuming that he wasn't dreaming.
Which meant that there was something very, very wrong with Shen Qingqiu. Shen Qingqiu, who still had not released his grip on Yue Qingyuan's sleeve and who was shooting death glares at any disciples who paused to gawk at the sight of the Sect Leader being towed along by his second-in-command.
When Shen Qingqiu was back to normal, he would likely resent Yue Qingyuan for parading him through the sect like this, but the top priority was clearly to get the man to medical attention, and this was the most expedient means of getting him to Qian Cao. Yue Qingyuan would deal with the fallout after, when Shen Qingqiu was healthy again. Which he would be. There had to be a way to fix this.
Shen Qingqiu barged into Mu Qingfang's office without knocking. "Mu-shidi, there's a matter that requires your attention," he announced imperiously. He dragged Yue Qingyuan further forward to stand next to him, turning his attention to his sect leader. He still didn't let go of Yue Qingyuan. "Make yourself useful and describe your symptoms."
"Ah, yes, right away. Mu-shidi, Shen Qingqiu is acting wildly out of character and I suspect that he may be possessed or has come into contact with some kind of mind-altering artifact, curse, or substance," Yue Qingyuan explained. "Please examine him and see if you can determine the cause."
Shen Qingqiu made an affronted sound and finally released Yue Qingyuan's sleeve in order to smack him in the bicep, hard enough to sting but with nowhere near the viciousness Shen Qingqiu was normally capable of. "Qi-ge, don't play fucking games right now, this is serious!"
"I am taking this very seriously, Qingqiu-shidi," Yue Qingyuan replied solemnly. "Whatever is causing such a pronounced change in your behaviour, it's clearly unnatural and needs to be treated."
Shen Qingqiu stared at Yue Qingyuan in obvious confusion for a heartbeat, then scoffed and whirled around. "I'm in no mood for whatever stupid prank you're trying to pull. Don't come back to my peak until you're ready to apolog—"
Shen Qingqiu's attempt to storm out of the office was cut short by Yue Qingyuan grabbing him by the scruff of his robes and pulling him backwards, away from the door. "I'm afraid I really must insist, Qingqiu-shidi. For your own good."
Shen Qingqiu squawked and snapped his head around to glare at Yue Qingyuan. "Oh, so that's what this was? Some ploy to get me to have a check-up?! I was actually worried about you, you asshole!" he snarled, and kicked Yue Qingyuan viciously in the shin.
Yue Qingyuan winced, but didn't relax his grip. "Mu-shidi, please examine Qingqiu-shidi."
"I can see why you were concerned," Mu Qingfang muttered as he hurried out from behind his desk and approached the furious peak lord cautiously. "Shen-shixiong, would you please allow me to examine your meridians?"
"I assume that this idiot won't be letting me go until I do, so if I must," Shen Qingqiu snapped, grudgingly extending his wrist towards Mu Qingfang at the same time that he kicked Yue Qingyuan again, apparently for emphasis.
Mu Qingfang laid his fingers gingerly over Shen Qingqiu's wrist and closed his eyes. After a moment, his brow furrowed. "That's… odd," he muttered, making Yue Qingyuan's stomach twist with anxiety.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"Not enough that he forces me into a check-up, now he needs my private medical information, too?" Shen Qingqiu muttered furiously, almost seeming normal.
Yue Qingyuan winced again. "I don't need specifics, but if it's something that's a threat to Qingqiu-shidi's well-being, then—"
"Shen-shixiong's cultivation is actually signficantly improved from the last time I was able to monitor it," Mu Qingfang remarked, opening his eyes. "It seems that he made a breakthrough just recently, in fact. Is it possible that the change in his behaviour is due to acheiving some kind of enlightenment?"
Yue Qingyuan's gaze drifted down to the seething man in his grip, who was already winding his leg up for another kick. "I don't thin— ow."
"You heard him, I'm perfectly fine, unhand me!" Shen Qingqiu snapped, yanking his hand out of My Qingfang's reach. It seemed odd that the man hadn't actually attacked Yue Qingyuan's arm, apparently opting to simply vent his anger rather than making any real attempt to get free.
"There doesn't seem to be anything obviously wrong with his health. I will send word for Wei Qingwei to fetch Hong Jing to check for possible possession, but perhaps it would be helpful to elaborate on why you're so concerned about this situation, Zhangmen-shixiong? Shen-shixiong is certainly acting somewhat abnormally, but his general demeanour doesn't seem to be all that different?"
"That's because he's angry with me now," Yue Qingyuan admitted ruefully. "It was more obvious before, that he was treating me like… like a friend."
Shen Qingqiu fixed him with an incredulous stare. "What is wrong with you? Of course I treat you like a friend, you're my best friend."
Yue Qingyuan involuntarily made a sound like he had just been kneed in the gut and let go of Shen Qingqiu's robes as though they had burned him. He staggered back a step and swallowed hard. "That— That's why I'm sure there's something wrong with him," he managed to choke out.
"With me?" Shen Qingqiu sneered, then turned his attention to Mu Qingfang. "Mu-shidi, in your professional opinion, which one of the two of us seem more in need of medical attention?"
Mu Qingfang's gaze flicked to Yue Qingyuan, then back to Shen Qingqiu. "Shen-shixiong, have you… always been friends with Zhangmen-shixiong?"
"Since we were small children, yes."
Mu Qingfang sucked in a breath through his teeth. "There definitely seems to be some memory problems then."
Shen Qingqiu glowered at the doctor. "And what would you know about it? You weren't present for our childhood," he hissed.
"That's true, I was not, but in the present, Zhangmen-shixiong and Shen-shixiong are not known to be on the best of terms. I do not think there are any on the mountain who would describe your relationship as that of friends."
Shen Qingqiu bristled. "So just because I'm not some simpering sycophant, that gives outsiders the authority to decide the nature of my relationship with—"
"When I made my statement, I included Zhangmen-shixiong among the population of the mountain," Mu Qingfang interjected.
Shen Qingqiu faltered, and turned his attention back to Yue Qingyuan. "That's moronic. Qi-ge, tell him that he doesn't know what he's talking about."
Yue Qingyuan couldn't bring himself to meet Shen Qingqiu's eyes as he slowly shook his head. "He's correct, Qingqiu-shidi. Under normal circumstances, you cannot tolerate my presence any longer than the time it takes to exchange four or five sentences. We aren't friends."
Shen Qingqiu inhaled sharply, and then there was a long pause. "…this isn't some kind of elaborate prank, is it?"
Yue Qingyuan shook his head, still unwilling to lift his gaze from the ground.
"I see," Shen Qingqiu said, and then there was a rustle of silk. "Mu-shidi, I believe that Zhangmen-shixiong and I need to have a more extensive conversation about this. Privately."
"Ah, perhaps such things would be best left for after possession has been ruled out as an explanation…?" Mu Qingfang said.
"If I were being puppeted by some malevolent entity, it would need to be incredibly stupid to wait until after other people were alerted to its presence instead of taking the opportunity to attack Zhangmen-shixiong when he was as-yet unaware and isolated on my peak. If that is truly the case then I have no doubts that you will easily be able to handle whatever idiotic scheme it might concoct," Shen Qingqiu drawled. "Now get out, go get Wei Qingwei."
Mu Qingfang hesitated, his gaze flicking in Yue Qingyuan's direction.
One part of Yue Qingyuan desperately urged himself to tell Mu Qingfang to stay, to delay the impending and doubtlessly unpleasant conversation that he would need to have with Shen Qingqiu. But it would be unforgivably cowardly to prioritize his own comfort over potentially determining the root of Shen Qingqiu's affliction. "Please give us some privacy, Mu-shidi. I will be sure to alert you immediately if anything goes awry."
Mu Qingfang sighed and allowed himself to be chased out of his own office, Shen Qingqiu slamming the door shut and sticking a silencing talisman to it. Then he whirled around and advanced on Yue Qingyuan. "Explain. Now."
"I… I don't know what's happening any more than you do, Qingqiu-shidi."
"Evidently you have more reliable memories than I do!" Shen Qingqiu snapped. "How much of what I remember is fake? Did we— were you a slave?"
"Yes, I was."
"And so was I?"
"Yes."
"Did we hate each other then, too?"
"No. We were close friends," Yue Qingyuan replied, his throat feeling tight.
"So the enmity is a more recent development," Shen Qingqiu remarked. He seemed to hesitate for a moment, then swallowed. "What did I do wrong, then? Was it really so unforgivable?"
"What?! No! Qingqiu-shidi did nothing wrong!" Yue Qingyuan exclaimed.
"Ah. So then we simply… drifted apart? I suppose that you do have many responsibilities, and more important things to occupy your time than a childhood friendship," Shen Qingqiu said, and took a step back from Yue Qingyuan, his gaze shifting to some point over Yue Qingyuan's shoulder. "I apologize for the impropriety, Zhangmen-shixiong."
"No, no, that's not it either," Yue Qingyuan replied, shaking his head. "It— it was all my fault, Qingqiu-shidi. I didn't… I failed you."
Shen Qingqiu gave him a sceptical look. "I'm well aware of your propensity for fuck-ups. You've failed me before and I'm sure you'll do it again, but that's hardly something to throw away my best friend over."
Yue Qingyuan winced. "It was. It… Do you remember the Qius?"
"Unfortunately."
"I… I promised that I would get you out of there, that I would come back for you. But I didn't," Yue Qingyuan confessed, once again unable to bring himself to meet Shen Qingqiu's gaze. He didn't want to watch the betrayal dawn on the man's face for a second time.
There was a long moment of silence before Shen Qingqiu finally spoke. "…And? Am I expected to just guess about what the Qius have to do with all of this?" Shen Qingqiu demanded waspishly.
"What?" Yue Qingyuan raised his head. Shen Qingqiu's glare was definitely annoyed, but not furious. Not accusatory. Not heartbroken.
"Gods, did you really just develop some kind of guilt complex over, what, one of the beatings you weren't able to stop? You really are stupid if you think I would blame you for that," Shen Qingqiu retorted, walking forward and jabbing Yue Qingyuan in the chest with a finger.
"I abandoned you!" The sentence felt like it tore itself out of Yue Qingyuan's throat. "I just left you there to suffer!"
This time, now that Yue Qingyuan was watching, he saw a flicker of…something pass over Shen Qingqiu's face. There was a heartbeat where the man's eyes widened, his breath hitched, and then— nothing. Shen Qingqiu's expression smoothed out, his eyes unfocused, and it took another second before he seemed to come back to himself, blinking and shaking his head slightly as though he had been lost in thought. "Hopeless man," he said, rolling his eyes. "Always taking on more responsibility and guilt than you should. Don't just jump to conclusions about my perspective and punish yourself; I'm more than willing to tear a strip off of you when and if you deserve it."
Yue Qingyuan swallowed thickly and took a step back, away from Shen Qingqiu. "…No, you can't."
Shen Qingqiu scowled. "What the hell are you talking about now?"
"The memories, the ones that you're missing. They're about what I did. The actions that made you hate me. And you can't… I just told you what it was, a moment ago. And you've already forgotten it."
Shen Qingqiu faltered, then peered at Yue Qingyuan's face for a moment. "Truly? Do not lie to me about this."
"It's the truth."
Shen Qingqiu narrowed his eyes, then heaved a sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. "That's so stupid, what kind of nonsense affliction is this?" he muttered, evidently taking Yue Qingyuan's word for it without any proof. The sense of wrongness in the pit of Yue Qingyuan's gut grew stronger.
"I'm sorry," Yue Qingyuan mumbled.
"What are you sorry for? Did you cause this?"
Yue Qingyuan's breath caught in his chest. That was the conclusion that made the most sense. The missing memory was one that only Shen Qingqiu and himself knew of, Yue Qingyuan's greatest mistake, and what was the result of its absence? A Shen Qingqiu who didn't resent him. Who trusted his statements sight unseen. Who worried about him. Who considered him a friend. Yue Qingyuan was the Sect Leader, with a vast array of resources available to him, and he regularly provided Shen Qingqiu with all manner of gifts that could not be easily refused. Means, motive, opportunity.
"I— I didn't, I swear," Yue Qingyuan stammered, but he wasn't even sure that he believed it. Who was to say that Shen Qingqiu was the only one missing memories? "At… at least, I don't think I did…"
"Ugh, I can't believe this," Shen Qingqiu's voice grumbled as though from a distance, and Yue Qingyuan felt hands on him. He didn't flinch or resist; Shen Qingqiu would be justified in—
Yue Qingyuan was shoved into Mu Qingfang's guest chair. "Breathe, idiot."
Yue Qingyuan drew in a deep, shuddering breath and blinked as the world gradually came back into focus. Shen Qingqiu loomed over him with a scowl. "Sh-shidi, I think I might—"
Shen Qingqiu raised an eyebrow. "You think you might have brainwashed both me and yourself, yes?"
Yue Qingyuan winced. "The available evidence would suggest—"
"That you purposefully created an arrangement to cause yourself the maximum amount of suffering?" Shen Qingqiu drawled, nonchalantly examining his fingernails. "Well, I suppose that wouldn't be entirely out of character."
Yue Qingyuan blinked. "What?"
"If we assume that you did indeed have some means of precisely targeting and obliterating specific memories, it would be an incredibly stupid choice to make, to remove your memories of doing such a thing, but not to similarly dispose of whatever it is that's causing you to experience so much guilt in the first place. If you would go so far to make me like you again, I would at least hope that you would also make it so you could actually enjoy the fruits of your labour."
"…Oh."
"Feeling better now?"
"Yes," Yue Qingyuan answered, then cringed. "I'm sorry, you're the one who's affected by all this, I shouldn't h—"
Shen Qingqiu clicked his tongue and whacked Yue Qingyuan in the side of the head with his closed fan, none too gently. "Do not start with that again, it is not helpful. Since I obviously cannot identify whatever things I might have forgotten, I need someone reliable to cross-reference any potential gaps in my memory. As the person who has known me longest, you're the ideal candidate for that, so pull yourself together. Just because we have identified one blind spot, that doesn't mean we've found them all."
"That makes sense," Yue Qingyuan agreed, rubbing the sore spot on his skull.
"I would hope so," Shen Qingqiu sniffed. He glanced away, idly tapping his fan against the palm of his other hand. "The other me, the one with all his memories, he hates you?"
"Justifiably."
"Hmn. But you don't hate me?"
"No, absolutely not."
"I see. I can work with that," Shen Qingqiu remarked, and went to go open the door as a knock made the silencing talisman flicker with yellow light. "Come in, Mu-shidi, Wei-shidi."
After possession was ruled out and Mu Qingfang promised to further investigate potential illnesses, poisons, curses, or other mechanisms that might result in persistent and highly specific amnesia, Shen Qingqiu dragged Yue Qingyuan back to Qing Jing Peak.
Yue Qingyuan soon found himself sat back at the tea table, while Shen Qingqiu barked an order for one of his disciples to prepare tea, then disappeared into a different room. He reappeared after only a few moments, carrying a sheaf of papers, a writing brush, and ink, all of which he set down in front of Yue Qingyuan.
"What is this for, shidi?"
"Write it down," Shen Qingqiu instructed him, stepping around the table to settle at the opposite side.
"Write….?"
"What you did. Whatever it was that made me hate you. And then write something else on the other sheets of paper, some lines from a poem or some other prose. It doesn't particularly matter what you write on the sheets that aren't your confession, I just need some control variables," Shen Qingqiu instructed, flicking his fan open and waving it idly.
Yue Qingyuan hesitated. "Qingqiu-shidi, that… it's sensitive information. I don't believe that I should be writing it down, when it's possible that anyone might be able to read it."
Shen Qingqiu rolled his eyes again. "We can burn the paper afterwards if you really are so worried about it, but I need to collect more information about how the affects of this amnesia work. So do as I say and write it down."
Yue Qingyuan picked up the brush. When he paused before dipping it into the ink, Shen Qingqiu made an irritable noise, and Yue Qingyuan forced himself to write out 'Despite promising to do so, I failed to rescue Xiao Jiu from the Qius.'
"Good. Now the other pages, Zhangmen-shixiong. It doesn't need to be long. Hm. Actually, just write the first five lines of Guan Ju on five separate pages, that will serve the purpose," Shen Qingqiu demanded, before turning his attention to the disciple who had come into the room with a tea tray. "It took you long enough."
"Apologies, Shizun," the disciple replied meekly, clearly taking great care to gracefully lower themselves into a kneeling position and elegantly set out the tea. Yue Qingyuan noticed that the teapot and cups were the set he had gifted to Shen Qingqiu only a few hours ago.
"Get out," Shen Qingqiu commanded, after the cups had been set down. The disciple hurriedly took their leave. He turned his attention back to Yue Qingyuan. "Don't get distracted, keep writing."
Yue Qingyuan swiftly wrote out the requested lines of the poem and set the pages aside to wait for the ink to dry.
In the meantime, Shen Qingqiu set his fan aside and poured out the tea for the both of them. He cast a fleeting glance towards the papers, then nodded. "That should work well enough," he remarked, then lifted his cup to take a sip of the tea.
"What do you want it for?" Yue Qingyuan asked, wrapping his hand around his own cup, letting the warmth leech into his bones.
"Information. You visited me two weeks ago, did you not?"
Yue Qingyuan nodded. "Briefly."
"And my behaviour at that time was not abnormal enough to alert you to anything wrong?"
"Yes, you seemed to act the same way that you always have," Yue Qingyuan agreed, taking a sip of the tea.
"So presumably whatever caused my current condition occurred in the last dozen days or so. I would like to further examine my reports and correspondence from the last while to try to pinpoint potential causes or more precise time frames for this effect, but it is unclear how the selective amnesia will affect me. It's entirely possible that I could locate and read a full, detailed explanation regarding the cause of my condition, but be entirely unable to retain that information. So I need to know how I will react to written information that triggers the effect. Depending on the results, it may be possible to isolate and identify relevant documentation even if I personally cannot make sense of the actual information it contains," Shen Qingqiu explained, before taking another sip of tea. "At the very least, it could serve to identify other potential gaps in my memory. Depending on what other topics I may have forgotten, we can develop better informed hypotheses about who or what may have caused this, and why."
"Oh. That's… I suppose that's a rational idea," Yue Qingyuan replied hesitantly, feeling more than a little discomforted at how readily and patiently Shen Qingqiu had explained his thought process.
"You say that like it's a surprise," Shen Qingqiu remarked, raising an eyebrow.
"A-apologies, I didn't mean it like that, I just— You said 'we'. Does that you'll have me be involved with this investigation as well?"
"Obviously. I'll need someone to read any documents that I am unable to remember and you're the most likely to have the context to make sense of the information," Shen Qingqiu drawled.
"Ah. That's… true enough. Still, I can't imagine that you'd be comfortable with me reading through your private correspondence. If you prefer, we could wait a few days to see if Mu Qingfang can determine a remedy instead?" Yue Qingyuan said.
"No. I have no interest in sitting on my hands and doing nothing, and it does not bother me to have you involved in this. There is no one whom I would rather choose, in fact."
Yue Qingyuan winced. "Shidi, you would not be of the same opinion if you had all your memories."
Shen Qingqiu snorted derisively. "If I had all my memories then none of this would be necessary in the first place. I do not intend to handicap myself on the basis of what some other version of myself might have wanted. He was foolish enough to land himself in this situation, so he can deal with the consequences of me acting as I see fit."
That was a very Shen Qingqiu way of viewing the situation, Yue Qingyuan had to admit. "Even setting aside that consideration, shouldn't you… have some reservations about putting so much faith in me? You don't know the exact specifics, but there is something that I did that caused you to hate me. Doesn't that warrant some level of suspicion about my motives?"
"Are you trying to weasel your way out of assisting me?" Shen Qingqiu demanded, setting his teacup aside and leaning over the table with a scowl. "Don't even think about it. I require the knowledge and context that only you can provide me, and if you try to deny my requests, then I will make you rue the day you were born."
"What? No, of course I'll help Qingqiu-shidi in any way I can! I just— it seems out of character, so I am concerned," Yue Qingyuan replied hastily, raising his hands in a conciliatory gesture.
"Evidently a lot of my behaviour today is out of character," Shen Qingqiu remarked, sitting back. "But I fail to understand your concern. It is hardly as though I have a choice in the matter. You are the only person who has any knowledge of the memory that I am missing, and the only person so far who has been able to identify that I have been behaving abnormally. I am literally incapable of independently realizing that I am missing memories, even if someone tries to remind me of them. Your first reaction upon realizing this was to seek medical attention for me, and, as far as I know, you have been forthright about the nature of my condition in spite of having the opportunity to simply let your previous actions be buried. Evidently you value me operating with my full faculties more than you value me being cordial with you, so if I wish to resolve this problem it would be nothing short of self-sabotage for me to chase you off due to some nebulous suspicions."
"That makes sense…" Yue Qingyuan murmured reluctantly, because it did. It was an entirely rational analysis of the situation, but hearing Shen Qingqiu casually admit to any kind of vulnerability made the hair on the back of his neck stand on end.
"You worry too much, Zhangmen-shixiong. Don't fret, I'm well aware that Cang Qiong's eminent Sect Leader doesn't need to like someone in order to feel obligated to help them when they're in need," Shen Qingqiu replied with a wry smile. "We aren't friends, this is simply a matter of professional courtesy, I know. Now pass me those papers, they should be dry by now."
Yue Qingyuan reflexively gathered the sheets up and handed them to Shen Qingqiu before taking a moment to parse the meaning of that last statement. He inhaled sharply. "Qingqiu-shidi, I wasn't— I wasn't saying those things to try to keep you at a distance."
Shen Qingqiu raised an eyebrow as he shuffled the papers without looking at them. "No? Could have fooled me. Every time I'm overly familiar with you, you look like you're going to be sick."
"I… It isn't right for me to act as though I am your friend when you would normally despise being treated like that," Yue Qingyuan tried to explain.
"And the me of right now doesn't matter, I suppose?"
"It's… complicated. I'm sorry."
Shen Qingqiu sighed. "Don't be. You've always been a shitty actor, it would be downright painful to watch you try to hide your discomfort and unease and pretend to actually be happy around me. Now shut up for a minute."
Shen Qingqiu turned his attention to the stack of pages in his hand, his eyes skimming over the characters written on the top page. He pulled that sheet of paper from the stack and laid it down on the right side of the table. Then he read over the next one, took that page, and set it down in the middle of the table. The third page, he paused, the same blank expression passing over his face for just a moment. He set the sheet down on top of the second page before the blankness dissipated, and then proceeded to lay out the remaining three pages one by one on their own spot on the table.
He was putting the lines of the poem in order, Yue Qingyuan realized, by the time the fourth page was set next to the first.
Shen Qingqiu finished with his task and narrowed his eyes at the five occupied spots on the table. "Where did the page with your confession go, what did I do with it?"
"You put it on top of the middle page," Yue Qingyuan replied.
Shen Qingqiu stared at the indicated sheet of paper for a moment, then grimaced and brought his hand to his temple. "Mngh. That's… unpleasant. I can remember that there's supposed to be something there but my mind keeps telling me I'm only looking at the third line of the poem," Shen Qingqiu muttered, shaking his head and turning his attention back to Yue Qingyuan. "When did I put it down?"
"Immediately after you put down the page with the third line of the poem."
"Hm, so I just repeat the prior action, I suppose that makes sense. In that case it should not be too difficult to isolate any documents that trigger the response, I'll just need to label each folio with how many pages I think should be present, and then narrow in on any discrepancies," Shen Qingqiu said, clearly mostly to himself. He nodded and scooped up all six of the pages on the table, holding them out to Yue Qingyuan. "Thank you, Zhangmen-shixiong, this has been helpful. I should be able to proceed with my own investigations for now; I will contact you when I have further need of your assistance. Feel free to burn these, if you like."
Yue Qingyuan accepted the papers and got to his feet. "You're welcome," he replied, and hesitated. "I don't… I don't dislike shidi. I just want to try to respect Qingqiu-shidi's boundaries, including the ones that you have currently forgotten. It isn't… The distance between us is my fault, not yours."
"Oh, I very much imagine that I helped," Shen Qingqiu replied, pouring himself another cup of tea and lounging further backwards. "Don't lose sleep over this, with any luck the situation will be quickly resolved and we can both forget all about this awkward little interlude."
Yue Qingyuan couldn't remember the last time he had seen Shen Qingqiu looking so relaxed in his presence. He firmly shoved down the treacherous part of himself that whispered how it wouldn't be so bad, if this Shen Qingqiu were to be around for a little while longer. "Feel free to reach out at any time, if you need anything or if your condition starts to worsen."
Shen Qingqiu just raised his cup in acknowledgment as Yue Qingyuan took his leave.
"Ah, Zhangmen-shixiong, come in," Shen Qingqiu greeted him with a smile when Yue Qingyuan answered the summons that had been delivered to Qiong Ding Peak, nine days after their last interaction.
"It seems as though you didn't find the remedy, then," Yue Qingyuan replied, letting Shen Qingqiu herd him into his usual seat at the tea table.
"Hmn, no, unfortunately not, but I have made some very promising progress," Shen Qingqiu said, pouring Yue Qingyuan a cup of tea. "Relax a little while I tell you about it, and try the tea; it's a new blend."
Yue Qingyuan nodded and took a sip; the tea was floral and slightly sweet, and pleasant enough. It was rare that Yue Qingyuan got a chance to actually have tea at this table. "You seem to be in a good mood," he remarked, taking another drink.
"People do keep mentioning that. There's a very reasonable explanation for it, actually," Shen Qingqiu replied.
"Is that so?"
"Yes, but I should start from the beginning. After some testing, I discovered that there seems to be two different sorts of memory loss involved with my condition. There's the persistent negation of a specific concept, and then there's the peripherally related memories that are only initially glossed over. Things like forgetting that you and I are no longer friends, for example. The secondary amnesia seems to mostly be present as a way to avoid cognitive dissonance caused from the absence of the primary memory loss, but there is no mechanism to erase the peripheral memories again, if they are regained. Ah, let me get you some more tea," Shen Qingqiu said, topping up Yue Qingyuan's cup.
Yue Qingyuan almost smiled. Shen Jiu always had enjoyed solving puzzles, it was endearing seeing the same excitement now. "So I take it that Qingqiu-shidi was able to remember more of these secondary memories?" he asked, lifting the cup to his lips once more.
"Yes, including the one detailing me being affected by the condition in the first place. I figured out exactly what the cause of this all is," Shen Qingqiu replied breezily, and Yue Qingyuan almost choked on his mouthful of tea.
The years of cultivation and physical training did not allow for anything as undignified as fumbling his teacup, but Yue Qingyuan set the ceramic down quickly enough that there was an audible clink as it contacted the table. "You did?!"
Shen Qingqiu smirked and lifted the lid of the teapot, gesturing inside. "Certainly, it's right here. The petals of the Worry-Me-Not flower, brewed into a tea. An illicit and extreme treatment for the most resilient of heart demons, it erases all memory of whichever topic causes the most anguish and internal conflict, and prevents formation of any memories directly related to that source of strife. It seems that I had been frustrated enough with the hindrance to my cultivation that I was willing to try anything."
Yue Qingyuan's breath caught in his chest, and his gaze darted down to his half-full teacup. "Qingqiu-shidi, you didn't—"
Shen Qingqiu leaned forward and propped his chin up on one hand, his smirk widening into a grin, smug as a cat who had finally gotten the cream. "I rather think that you'll find the effects as useful as I did, Qi-ge."