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A mingling crowd, cheerful music— the pleasant exchanges among relatives to one another, reminiscing on good times and old times and times new to come— the dancing of the two brides, the way one of them turned to smile at that damned horned headband, perched on a venue chair, like she expected it to respond with anything; it was supposed to be a beautiful scene, something to capture in everyone’s hearts and keep with them until their dying day. A celebration of love, and yet, all Kris could feel was loathing.
Not towards either of the brides, of course not. Only to themself, for still clinging onto these feelings. For the way their heart still skipped a beat when they saw the sharp-toothed smile of their best friend. Several years ago, they’d be enlightened by that same smile, a smile that seemed to defeat everything. And yet, right now, it only served as a reminder of how cowardly they’d been. All the quiet moments together, all those things they couldn’t say, everything they’d kept under wraps because, Angel forbid they ever took another thing away from Noelle.
It all became too much. They had to step out. They needed some fresh air on the porch of the diner. They’d become very good at blocking noise from their head; while their dress shoes clicked against the concrete, they could muffle the faint music with a simple inhale, breathing in the cold wind and embracing the silent darkness that expanded out before them. The stars were lovely tonight, they thought. They reached in their pocket for a second, until—
“Hey, Kris?”
That voice. As if their night couldn’t get any worse.
They removed their hand from their pocket and tilted their head around, only humming to greet Susie, like they always did. Like everything was fine. Everything was normal.
Like just moments ago, they hadn’t envisioned themself in Noelle’s place.
“Couldn’t help but notice you sneak out. Something up?” Susie asked, discreetly shutting the diner door behind her. “Never the same without you, y’know.”
Those words stung like cobras coiling around their heart, but they just shook their head and removed a lighter from their pocket to show her. Susie smirked and chuckled through her nose. “Burning shit? C’mon. Not without me, dumbass.” She remarked. “Let’s do that later.”
Even in Kris’ state, her energy was contagious— they couldn’t help but huff in amusement. Wordlessly, they removed a box of cigarettes from their pockets as well, but Susie’s face scrunched in discontent. “Oh, come on. Can’t you keep it in till when you leave? You know I can’t stand you doing that stuff.”
Kris paused their movements, but they obliged, slipping the lighter and box back into their coat pocket. Susie seemed to loosen up at this motion, heartily clasping her hand onto Kris’ shoulder. Kris cursed themself in their head for how warm it made them feel. “You ready to come back in? Or are you gonna mope out here by yourself all night?”
That prompted Kris to speak— it wasn’t something they normally did, but with Susie, it was different. “Can we mope out here together, for just a second?”
Susie blinked at them with curiosity, glancing back to the entrance door to the diner, then back at Kris. “Kay, but let me tell Noelle I’ll be out for a bit. She’s prolly off talking to your brother.”
Kris just nodded.
Susie left.
Kris waited, because that’s all they could do.
Then, within what felt like just a second, Susie came back.
“Okay man, tell me what’s up. Was it just too loud or something?”
Kris shook their head. “No, it was fine.” Susie hummed in response. “Well, whatever it is, you can tell me. I’d hate to have you be all depressed today.” She assured— wow, she had no idea.
Kris smiled, but they didn’t turn to look her in the eye. They couldn’t, or else it would all come back to them; everything they dared to feel and everything they dared to keep away. After all of this, they weren’t sure how they could put how they felt into words. “I—” They began. They stammered. They ducked their head down to cover their eyes. Though they couldn’t see the look on Susie’s face, they could feel her concern, like it was an energy she cast upon them. They always had that intuition about her; everything she felt, whatever she was thinking, they could always pick it up. As if the two had shared a heart.
Kris inhaled again. It was only them and Susie. They could tell Susie anything. Susie could tell them anything. They were best friends, regardless of their marital status, or regardless of any bitter feelings on one end. And yet, at this moment, they wished Susie only saw them as a stranger. So they wouldn’t need to feel her kindness, the very essence that drew them to her in the first place.
Finally, they jerked their head up and exhaled sharply to the sky, releasing their hands from their face. Then, they faced Susie, their eyes peeking out through their bangs. They could see their red reflection in Susie’s eyes, of which they could get lost in. “I’ve really always loved you.”
Susie’s face painted a pink hue for just a moment, and Kris wanted to believe it was a sign. Kris wanted to think she would immediately get it, and make all of their issues better. But as soon as it was there, it left, and she only looked to the ground. “Always, huh…”
“You don’t, though. Not how I do.” They replied. “Did you ever?"
Susie’s eyes wandered along the paved floor, an expression that was not exactly a smirk, but close to a frowning grimace was displayed on her face. “Used to.” She shrugged, casually. Like it didn’t matter, Kris thought, but of course they knew her better than that. They knew it mattered to her, even though it shouldn’t. “But, y’know, I think I kinda… just didn’t wanna make things weird.” She explained, looking off to the side. “So I never told you. And then I just… moved on.”
“Moved on,” Kris repeated. As if they should even hope she’d have any semblance of that feeling left. How selfish, they thought. They couldn’t stop hoping, even when everything had already been said and done. The words would crush them if they did not escape their lips. “So, you don’t feel that way anymore?”
Even though that was such a strange question to ask a newlywed, one who had chosen them to represent her as her best human— even though she should be offended by such a question, she just smiled at them, somberly. As if trying to reassure them, but knowing they still hurt. “No,” she answered. “Not anymore, no.”
At that moment, they wished they hadn’t asked. They wished they could stay in denial, that Susie would still have some ounce of reciprocation in her, but the world didn’t work that way. They asked what they asked. Susie gave her honest answer. They had nothing to hold onto anymore except their own selfishness.
“But, that doesn’t change anything, right? You’re still my best friend. It’s not like I’d ever put someone over you.” Susie tried to assure them. She was always trying. She was so kind that it made them want to keel over and die. “We can still, like, hang out and stuff. Watch bad movies or mess with Berdly, all that stuff. Nothing has to change between us, right?”
Kris didn’t answer. Susie looked to the ground and bit her tongue.
“Are you…” She began. “Still happy for me?”
Her words pulsed pain through them. Could they be happy for her if they were not happy? All because they could never get over their stupid high-school classroom crush. Because they couldn’t forget plastering stickers to each others’ faces during church, because they couldn’t forget sleeping on the same couch in the dead night, because they couldn’t forget the way the iridescent glow of the Dark Fountains would always reflect onto Susie’s face and the way she’d look at them, waiting for them to do their work. Because neither of them ever spoke up. And yet, Susie made it look so easy to let go of that all.
But the reality was that she never let them go. She was always there, always wanting to be with them, always exchanging with each other in a way that she’d never act to any other partner. She just didn’t see that all in the same way Kris did— not anymore, anyway. And they would rather drive a dagger through their heart than ruin her happiest day with any more of their baggage. Even if Kris silently wished that they were the one at the altar, dancing happily with Susie and sharing their lives and last names with each other. All of the emotions that threatened to spill out through their throat, they just swallowed. They just smiled at her.
“Of course, I’m happy for both of you.” They answered. Their voice had not even faltered. “You deserve each other.”
And there it was again. Susie smiled with her teeth and nudged them playfully in the arm. “Thanks, dude.” She thanked, taking their shoulder. “Listen, I get it. It’s probably gotta suck. But let’s get through your stuff together eventually, ‘kay?”
Like always, she was so kind. Kris just nodded. “Okay.”
“Here, I have an idea on how to cheer you up, just for tonight.” Susie suggested, letting them go. Kris wanted to feel the shoulder she put her hand on, but they didn’t. “I’ll go ask QC if she can play that song we used to piss your mom off with. I wonder if she’ll recognize it.”
Kris smiled softly. “The ICE-E’s commercial one.”
“Yeah!” Susie laughed, her hand drifting to the door. “Come in whenever you’re ready, ‘kay? I swear I’ll have it ready for you! After I… make sure nobody’s eaten all the cake.”
Kris nodded, but Susie did not yet leave. “Oh, and hey—”
Kris perked their head up again.
“I love you, okay? Um, I mean— like, in the way that…”
Kris somberly nodded again, understanding what she meant yet holding onto it anyway. “Love you too.”
“Sweet.”
The door shut behind Susie.
That was something they’d always say to each other in more recent years of their friendship, so it only made sense that Susie wouldn’t realize how inappropriate it might’ve sounded given their conversation. And yet, they clung onto it. As if it’d be the last time they’d ever hear it.
They weren’t sure if they were even going to go back inside, so they took out a cigarette and lit it, apologizing in their head to Susie, for doing the exact thing she told them to lay low on. They inhaled again while they took a drag, for it was hard now to appreciate fresh air without the pungent taste of nicotine corrupting it.
The silence was still only muffled music they’d blocked out with their mind, but they couldn’t abandon the sound of that same song Susie mentioned playing inside the diner. All the trouble just to heal their shallow emotions. And yet, now they smelled like smoke. A smell Susie hated. A smell she could never get used to.
They exhaled, wanting to blow out their turmoils with it. But it was never that easy. Susie wasn’t just a puff of smoke, she was their hope. They never really were letting her go— absolutely not. They couldn’t stand the thought of their own problems causing a rift between them. But they wondered if they were truly capable of moving on without letting go.
Before Susie could come back to check on them, they made quick work of crushing the cigarette butt against their dress shoes and walking back home, in the silent darkness, alone once more.