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Sangwon is late.
Being top batters for the unit’s first talk show outside the unit activity is not enough, it really has to be with Sangwon, it really has to be just two of them doing it—this is too intense as the first step for him to not feel any sort of nervousness. If he is allowed to scream he wouldn't give a second thought and just screamed to let some steam off. But he can't. Right now he is already in the waiting room, alone with a single camera on the table. He was instructed to stay there and film the introduction after he sorted his stuff since he won't be bringing his own bag inside this time.
While waiting for Sangwon, Leo already went through all the sorting to put his stuff into the available bag.
Yes, all that mess, yet, his partner hasn't come at all.
Leo kept staring at that door, both hands folded together, waiting for his supposed partner to finally arrive. But it's been 10 minutes of him being here alone and yet, Sangwon hasn't shown up. Where did he really go? Leo is pretty sure Sangwon left the car with him earlier.
Right?
It's only 10 minutes Lee Leo, you shouldn't be this worried.
Maybe he could try to be less worried, if he didn't remember the lack of security outside and the intense swarm of humans surrounding them earlier.
Should I check him…?
“...”
Leo stops himself before he even moves to stand up. The manager was with Sangwon the last time he saw him. It should be fine. It should be. Going out by himself will just gather a bigger crowd and potentially mess things up instead.
“Tc—” Leo bit his lower lips before that click of tongue can be heard.
On top of the growing distance between them, there are just tons of things to keep in mind as the leader of the unit, as the idol for fans. But this is the path they have chosen. Leo wishes he can just smack his jittering foot to get him back to his senses but he can't do that now. He switched his way of sitting and simply stepped on that jittering foot with the other foot to keep it down—a bad habit to tone down another bad habit but its not like he can help, his body moves by itself when he feels nervous and uneasy.
“Hyung sorry I'm late—”
Leo abruptly looked up from his seat, almost putting weight on that step but being nervous actually helped him to be self aware not to self injure himself especially after what happened to Jiahao the other day. Mentally smacked himself from it and stood up. “Are you okay?” His gaze fell to the manager behind Sangwon despite his question actually landing on Sangwon, trying to find an answer from the exchange of glance before Sangwon could reply.
“...” The answer was not what he wished to see obviously.
“I'm okay, just a bit lost” Sangwon stood around the table, eyes fell on the camera on the table, he could only guess but seemed like Leo hadn't heard about what happened outside earlier. “Are we already on?” Sangwon put up a smile as he looked around for the instructions and such. Right. He can't add another burden on Leo’s shoulder. If Leo hasn't heard about it. That's for the good.
Leo shook his head, trying to brush off the expression that their manager made which was a contrast to Sangwon's answer. “Not yet” he finally looked at Sangwoon, the smile he put up might be fooling everyone. But not Leo.
“Ah… they said we need to make an introduction video as well?”
As much as Leo wished to elaborate the situation, the timing doesn't allow that freedom. Leo grabbed Sangwon's trembling hand, and pulled him closer. A simple touch to ground him, hoping that it can be enough for now.
“Yeah they will tell us when to get to the studio but first, the introduction is here…” Leo gets back to his seat, letting go of Sangwon's hand before he gets into the frame, checking on the camera first. “Come let's start”
Sangwon stared at Leo for a moment. The warmth of Leo's hand was short. But somehow it allows him to reset and breathe. His smile went a bit too wide but at least the camera wasn't on him. He is not yet inside the frame.
“Sangwon?”
“... Right, lets do it”
This is their first work together, just two of them, as idols of the same group. They need to do well.
.
The filming went a bit of a mess—mostly on Leo's side; at least. That's what Leo believed in his head. Without the Manager even instructing things, Leo apologized immediately to the staff and the MC after the filming ended. Obviously they try to brush it off, small mistakes happen, that's just how talk shows work, cute mistakes are forgiven at least on the surface. For as long as it would bring a good click to their program it wouldn't be something he needs to be extra worried about. The director seemed especially impressed if anything since the content they filmed seemed funny enough.
But that's just from the sight of entertainment. What about fans? Agency? Society? Looking at their manager’s expression earlier, Leo can already sense the incoming long sermon.
To be fair, Leo doesn't have that free time to overthink about it yet considering the schedule they have after this. He can only pray for “Entertainment Angels” and the “Editor Gods” to be by his side this time.
He exhaled a long sigh after he left the studio. His manager went ahead to guide Sangwon to the car. If Sangwon is already safe, that's good. He only heard about what actually happened when he went for his apology spree to the staff earlier. At least it seems like they manage to find other routes for the boys to leave the building now so it should be safer.
Less worry is a need when the reason why Leo zoned out for a couple of moments during the filming was actually Sangwon.
There would be a huge debate over bringing your true feelings at work especially in segments like that but to be fair, they asked for the realness. Yet when it just becomes too real, twisting the mood back into a lighter end would be so difficult. Leo can only be grateful for the MC’s witty comment that helps to turn back the atmosphere in the studio.
Mental note for Lee Leo, not be too frank over anyone with a big ass F-driven heart during any work as idol.
“Hah…..”
He flipped himself over, letting his head lean to the wall as he stood awkwardly waiting for their manager to fetch him. He can't just find his way out himself and add extra sermons from the manager later. .
“Leo”
Leo turned his head a little, his manager finally returned “ah yeah Hyung I'm ready”
The manager excused themself to the staff around as he guided Leo out.
“We'll need a talk tonight about today Leo” the manager said once it's just the two of them alone in the lift.
Here it is…
Leo stared at the watch in that lift, counting the schedule and sleeping time he potentially can have with the routine practice around.
Would 10 minutes be enough for him…
“... Hyung, can't we have the talk now?”
“... There are many things you need to thoroughly review again Leo. I can't do it quickly now. You are adding more problems with your attitude earlier”
“...”
“Sangwon will also need to join the meeting”
“ —Hyung" Leo almost yelled but he tried to calm himself. "Let's talk about it now, the meeting would be difficult to be done within our scope of promotion next week” Leo suddenly pressed the button to return upstairs.
The manager stared at him. Logically, Leo is right about that. As much as he wishes to drill the idea of being proper to Leo’s head along with it, they don't actually have the time to waste for it. “Fine but you'll still need to be up early tomorrow”
“No Sangwon?”
“No Sangwon”
Sangwon doesn't need to know. He doesn't need to get involved in this mess Leo started.
“Deal”
.
Time passed so slowly in the car when Sangwon felt this restless. Actually he wished to accompany Leo on that apology spree but he ended up having to leave first after the last greeting since the manager immediately guided him back to the car. A bit more secure path this time with single hope that no fans would trap the path.
Sangwon let out a long sigh as he closed his eyes. The quiet car finally allows him to empty out his head—or so he wished.
The moment he closed his eyes, all he could see was Leo's gaze staring back at him with indescribable pain in it. To be fair, the indescribable pain gaze only showed in just a split second before Leo’s laughs cracked, before all the lighter jokes came out, followed by studio wide laughters, and his nonchalant answers that drowned out all those pain as if it never happened.
Yet… for Sangwon, that pained look left an indescribable feeling in his mind. Touched? Hurt? Happy? He who always found his words was very stunned by that sudden action Leo did.
When he decided to bring up the topic about Orange, he promised himself to not give any glance to Leo if he were being asked to read his favourite poems. Having read each of it and questioned its meaning deeply himself, the ones he has chosen weren't just a random poem but basically representation of his vision in art.
Vision of himself.
His heart.
It wouldn't be fair to do anything that might imply something deeper or even an idea that shouldn't be known by just anyone.
And yet? Perhaps it was the lingering desire to continue questioning that indescribable pain, Sangwon found himself unable to stop from stealing those glances.
At least. Just in the moment of Loss.
Maybe Leo felt like he messed up a big time during the filming, but deep inside, Sangwon felt like he messed even more. He knows the effect Leo had on him was not something that easy to control. He knows it very well. He thought that the growing distance actually lessened that impact but… it feels greater instead.
He can only hope that he wasn't being too obvious about it all on camera. Their fans noticed how terrible he was at controlling his wide smile every time Leo touched him. He doesn't wish this to affect anything that would put more distance between them.
But how could he remain composed?
When out of sudden the supposed source of his comfort laid his heart bare like that?
Just one look and it's over?
One second gaze and his tears just swelling up?
He didn't expect to hear that kind of honesty at work like that. He'd expected Leo’s frankness knowing how witty and honest Leo can be. Maybe a story of Leo’s annoyance during the show where Sangwon outright denied all Leo’s advice leading to that questionable result that put his scoring on hold. Or anything else maybe? Any TMI about his hoarding habit despite his supposedly clean freak image? Anything is fine … but that?
It caught Sangwon too surprised that his tears just kept welling on his eyes as soon as he heard Leo’s voice saying it.
He knows how that honesty can come out—out of nowhere. That's just what Leo always does. Blurting out his honestly out of blue.
But certainly he didn't expect to hear it this early, this fast, in that place…
By Leo first, not him.
Not because he begged Leo to be honest. He said it all by himself at his own pace and timing. Maybe the worst timing ever for some perspective but who is Sangwon to deny the butterflies in his stomach despite his chest that felt like being stabbed along with those words like.
All this time Sangwon thought that Leo had too much fun finally meeting his people who can walk towards the same dream together again. No longer alone, not just with two of them but with 6 other people. Sangwon thought that perhaps Leo wouldn't need their nonsense deep talk anymore if he already got the laugh and fun with others.
To think that it was Leo who said it first…
Not him who kept staring at Leo any time he could, Not him who kept demanding his attention any chance allowed.
Sangwon can't move on from that so fast.
He wanted Leo to explain it to him, he wanted Leo to tell him how much this distance affects him, he wanted to tell Leo too about his own feelings.
But… he is an idol. They are idols.
A show like that is not just something that is made by two close friends with their iPhone camera. There are too many related parties that would be affected if he couldn't control himself at that moment.
He can't be too selfish….
Especially when he already spent such a long time talking about Leo a lot even outside all that mess… at this rate he won't be surprised if everything gets cut.
How embarrassing Sangwon!!!
.
Leo is late.
Sangwon checked his phone again. He has sent a couple of messages asking where on earth Leo went. But he got no reply, not even a read notification.
Surely they don't have a pressing schedule other than one in the evening but still, isn't Leo taking too long? Did the manager scold him about things earlier? If he remembered the time right, it's been about more than half an hour since he got stuck in this van without either Leo or their manager returning yet.
Sangwon was about to peek out of the car before the door suddenly opened and Leo stared back at him. “... Hyung…” Sangwon pulled himself back to his seat. Leo sat in the front earlier why he opened this door if they finally going back
“Ah, sorry I went to toilet first and caught up with a mess”
For thirty minutes?
Smells like a lie, their manager found another route that can't be crossed by just anyone. He wouldn't be exposing Leo to the same mistake right?
Leo took a seat next to him and closed the door instead.
Sangwon looked at him and then at their manager who just got in the driver seat. He wanted to ask but he kind of wished Leo or their manager said something first, unfortunately he somehow can feel the tension between them felt rather off. Maybe not anger? but his manager seemed a bit upset and Leo…
Leo keeps his usual poker face.
“Seatbelt”
That's the only thing said after that by their manager, followed by the engine of the car starting as they leave the parking area, letting the deafening silence drown them loudly.
.
The trip back to agency felt rather like hell. No music, no talk. Just road and silence. Leo had his eyes closed as soon as he buckled the seatbelt, crossing his arms, perhaps trying to sleep.
Even if he tried not to look at him too much, in the end Sangwon's phone couldn't distract himself from his thoughts, unconsciously, his gaze just returned to Leo. Staring at him in silence.
Leo looked really tired.
Leo usually sits in the front discussing things with the manager—or just listening to the scolding, warning, advice, reminder. Things a leader needs to keep in mind. He would only sit on the back when he finally got some free time to rest or they were filming something. Usually Geonwoo or Junseo would take the front seat to substitute him when he slept.
Without any words of explanation, Sangwon could only wonder what happened earlier. If it's related to the filming earlier they would be calling Sangwon too right? Or.. did Leo already take the earful sermon before he returned with the manager to the car so he can spend the time returning to the agency taking his needed rest?
If that's the case, Sangwon pulled himself from trying to wake Leo…
Maybe it's best for him not to bother Leo with his questions now…
Right?
“My chest rise up and down well even if you can't see the breathing”
Sangwon blinked, he didn't expect Leo to suddenly say something. “You are not sleeping Hyung?”
“How could I when I can sense a piercing gaze stabbing me” he laughed, adjusting his seat a little so he can look at Sangwon better.
“... it's not—”
“I know”
“....”
Leo took a deep breath, he can feel that Sangwon wants to talk about something. Probably all the things they blurted out during the filming. unfiltered—cutted—locked. Everything felt a little abrupt and it ended in an abrupt end for both of their hearts but that's variety.
“Was it too early?” Leo finally started.
“... What was too early?” He knows what Leo might have meant to say but for once, he doesn't want to assume.
Leo looked around to find his phone, he left the phone in the car earlier, that's also why he didn't even get to text Sangwon when Sangwon didn't show up right after him.
[ I didn't know you sent message, Sorry. ]
Sangwon, surprised by the sudden text from his phone, stares back at Leo wondering why they are using chat when they can talk to each other now. But instead of questioning, he simply followed what Leo seemed to intend and replied.
[ It's okay, I was just worried ]
Worried huh. Leo stared at the message timestamps guess, it was quite a long sermon. But he isn't in the mood of talking about his impulsive decisions and mistakes.
[ The confession earlier. You seemed surprised. ]
Leo noticed Sangwon once again seemed stunned by the topic. Sangwon already expressed that the confession itself made him feel like tearing up earlier, that's why Leo didn't actually feel like bringing it up again. But those gaze Sangwon laid on him, it was like begging for the talk.
After a couple of minutes, Sangwon still hadn't replied. Leo tried to peek but Sangwon pulled his phone away.
Leo squints with a small pout. But then he noticed that he can actually see it from the reflection of window. He can see how Sangwon typed many things and kept erasing them. Sangwon is lucky Leo didn't bring his glasses because the window made the text seem a bit too distorted for him to read it himself.
[ I didn't know you feel like that. ]
Did I really not? He seemed to have so much fun with his new little brothers. Surely Sanghyeon keep whining about how Leo barely leave his room but at work, or at least during practice, Leo seemed to always had fun with Xinlong and Anxin.
[ I thought you preferred the distance ]
You and your worry about things impacted by you… You put distance between us before because of that but I know you already know that I don't care about it right...
[ I thought you need more rest, Geonwoo said you have been dropping dead on bed all the time when you return to the dorm ]
You always stayed later than us… I can't blame it for taking away our time together if you need all the rest you can have.
[ I missed you too I missed us … ]
I don't want my feelings to just be your burden but if you also feel the pain then…
[ The debut is approaching, it simply feels wrong to feel this way when this is supposed to be something we keep looking for all these years ]
This is a path to our happy ending right? —
None of those messages ended up being sent. All of it only made Sangwon realise that he knows that Leo is hurt, is lonely, that he was not the only one who is missing those days where it was just two of them.
Leo just never really said it out loud, or make it too obvious.
Maybe in a way, part of him also dismissed it because he grow afraid of hoping Leo felt the same way. Especially when he noticed how happy he act with others. Even if he is supposed to be the only one who should at least understand that Leo have that tendency to act strong and positive just so people around him wouldn't be dragged in his pain.
But if he were to say that, wouldn't Leo feel more pain instead...
[ Are you typing me essays… ]
Leo decided to send him another message. a little tease, not that he is against that essay itself. He appreciates it. But the air on Sangwon's face was growing grimmer as he waited for the reply.
He doesn't want to see that pain in Sangwon's face especially now, when he can't just pull Sangwon into a hug and answer all the worries under these surveillance that wouldn't want to see that.
The tease made Sangwon stared at Leo and immediately replied
[ I'm not ]
Sangwon sighed, the grin on Leo's face somehow scattered the darkness that started to fill his thoughts. He may wonder if Leo is just trying to brush the problem away but with the way his gaze lingers despite that grins, maybe it's not too presumptuous to think Leo simply wants to ease his heart.
[ I just didn't expect it. For Hyung to speak about it there. For Hyung to also feel that kind of feeling. ]
Sounds stupid, his reply. Sangwon already wished to unsend that reply. Why did he even press send, was it accidental?
Leo chuckled
[ ㅋㅋㅋ I might be T but it doesn't make me have no feelings ]
[ I know ]
Leo stopped that chuckle when he noticed Sangwon was not impressed. He knows, and Leo knows that Sangwon knows. The number of times he has broken down and opened too much information of the feelings that sometimes even Leo himself didn't recognise in front of Sangwon can't be counted with his fingers alone.
[ I don't know what I expected. In a way I'm glad that I'm not the only one who feels like that but in other ways it hurts… ]
The next message from him feels even more bitter for Leo. He somehow understands what Sangwon means but still he asks,
[ What hurts? ]
His gaze fell back to Sangwon who was still staring at his own phone without typing anything. Leo wished to just reach that head and give him a little pats, pulled him to his hug and said whatever his heart desired but he couldn't do that.
Not now.
Not here.
[ I can't explain it ]
Even for someone who has read thousands of literature, who knows his ways of words more than Leo ever would, there are still things that are not easy to say.
Not without possibly shaking the path they have been threading together.
Not without potentially hurting each other even more.
But three months was quite a long time. The busy schedule might be a good distraction that blurs all the time and feeling but the loneliness at each night without each other after spending those sleepless nights by each other’s side was quite a big gap in their hearts.
Three months is not too early to feel this loneliness. Especially when you are used to having each other in your mind for so long.
Even when neither of them want to acknowledge it knowing the future they are gambling on this path and how essential it is to keep everything balanced as a way to protect everyone along this path itself…
The desire to simply have a little moment together shouldn't become such a sin to feel.
Yet it does feel like one for them.
This is a path to our happy ending right? —
—Then why, why can't we be freely happy with each other?
[ After the schedule is done today, let's have a small talk? ]
Leo finally sent that message. He was planning to tell Sangwon that after the routine end but he can't stand the sorrow on Sangwon's face anymore.
He started this. He should be the one who put back that smile on his face.
“...” They still have a schedule and practice today, Sangwon was surprised at that request. Not to mention Leo probably needs proper rest himself same goes for him. Their debut is quite close, when the alarm starts ringing, the sleepless nights will accompany them every night for at least the next three weeks.
[ How about your sleep schedule? you still have a meeting early right? ]
[ Just a couple of minutes. ]
Leo understands that worries.
But if words can't explain this gap in their heart then perhaps a bit of real touch can fill in somehow.
[ Alright. ]
Leo smiled, he took off his jacket, trying to get comfortable in his seat. As he pulled Sangwon closer, he used his jacket to cover them up a bit. Then he typed something in his phone before he tucked it in pocket after he sent that last message.
[ Can I hold your hand? ]
“...”
The jacket covered their hand underneath, he didn't really wait for the answer and was already catching Sangwon's hand to hold it tight. His thumb caressing Sangwon's hand softly before he pulled it a bit to slip his fingers between Sangwon's fingers, letting it intertwine and feeling the warmth that he barely could feel lately.
Sangwon was a bit surprised, but he can only crack a soft smile on all the gestures that Leo did. They don't have that freedom of simply staying together with just two of them so, Leo’s creative way of this touch always made Sangwon laugh in a way or another.
Leo checked the rear mirror before he stole one small kiss on the back of Sangwon's hand just for a moment only to slip it back under the jacket.
Guess the long ass lecture and scream featuring the potentially even more draining meeting tomorrow would be worth it if that means he can have Sangwon sleeping in his room tonight. Besides, he has made the person he loves cry and drowned in bad thoughts right before their actual debut. This is a small price to heal his heart..
“Wake me up when we are close…”
“Rest well Hyung…”
Leo leaned closer to Sangwon's ear as he whispered “I love you…” only to let his head fall to Sangwon’s shoulder and closed his eyes again, this time, he really fell asleep. Leaving Sangwon's face went red and silent.
Hyung you really… stupid.
Even if Sangwon's mind was already filled with so much thoughts, in the end, being able to feel Leo's warmth like this is enough to calm him down. Deep down Sangwon also grow to understand that maybe, they don't need words, they don't need arguments, they don't need to talk this out. This pain wasn't created by any of them nor the choice they made.
If they want to protest, if they demanded too much, things might end up breaking and exploding in their hands. He can't let it happen.
They have worked so hard for everything. If they have grown strong enough, they would eventually have the power that no one can deny. But for that, they need to be patient.
Just a little more...
I love you too, Hyung.