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[for the ideal watching-st-denis-medical-on-linear-tv-experience, i recommend pausing to consume a couple of ads now and then]
Cold Open
INT. THE BREAK ROOM — DAY
Everyone is eating lunch, there is quiet chatter going on.
Alex runs into the break room: "You guys are never going to believe who's in the waiting room!"
Holly: "Who is it??"
Bruce enters the room after Alex: "Oh calm down everyone, it's just me".
He laughs and winks at the camera. It pans over to Alex who gives the camera an annoyed look, but doesn't let that minder her excitement.
Alex: "Take a guess!"
Serena: "Is Tim visiting?"
Alex (laughs): "Noooooo, you think I'd be getting that exited about him?" she looks at the camera: "I mean of course I love my husband. Tim if your seeing this—"
Matt: "Is it Joy Behar!?"
Alex: "What? No–"
Bruce: "wait, I've got it! Arnold Schwarzenegger! Huuuuge fitness inspiration for ya Bruce!"
Alex: "No guys, it's Noah Wyle!!"
The collective now excited chatter picks up again.
Ron: "The guy from the Pitt? which you are all forcing me to watch?"
Dakota: "Isn't he like a Zionist?"
Keith: "Yeah, I saw something about that on threads–"
Brandon: "Who cares? He was so hot in ER"
Serena nods agreeing. Dakota looks irritated.
Matt: "in the ER? He was here before?"
Serena: "No Matt, the TV show!"
Matt: "Huh… so has he always been playing a doctor?"
His question is left unanswered. Instead, Bruce walks up to Alex, calling for the attention of the room to be back on him.
Bruce: "Please, everyone act normal. Let's not get all parasocial on him! We should treat him like every other patient who comes in"
Ron takes a sip of the coffee cup in front of him.
Ron: "Yeah, I actually agree with Bruce for once"
Bruce nods, pointing at Ron.
Bruce: "See, Ronny always gets it!"
Ron (shakes his head, mouthing): 'NO I DON'T'
Joyce (storms in, shouting): "Nobody move!! You will never believe who's in the waiting room!"
Everyone (bored, asynchronous but still audible) : "Noah Wyle"
Joyce (fake laughing impressed): "How'd you all guess that so fast?"
Ron (sighs): "Alright, I'm going back to doing rounds"
— Title sequence —
ACT 1
INT. HALLWAY BETWEEN ZONE A & B — DAY
Serena is sorting things. Bruce is leaning against a wall and pondering. We are watching from afar
Bruce: "No, I'm telling you he's just like that Whitaker guy. Farm-boy, religious, clumsy…"
Serena: "You can't convince me he's not more like Mel"
Matt walks past them.
Serena grabs his arm: "Hey Matt, who do you relate to more: Dennis Whitaker or Mel King"
Matt stops, looking surprised: "You mean from the Pitt?"
Bruce: "Yeah, you're totally like Whitaker, right?"
Matt: "I'm not sure… I mean he's a nice guy but he looks so sad all the time… I think I'm more optimistic than that, right?"
Serena (to Bruce): "See, I told you!"
Matt: "But I don't know that I'm really exactly like Mel either…"
Serena rolls her eyes, Bruce grins like he won.
Matt: "yeah I don't know. I guess I relate to her a bit but I never really thought us as similar"
Bruce (laughing forced): "come on Matt, you gotta decide"
Matt (stressed out): "I have to?"
Bruce: "Yeah, let's make it a bet! Serena or I have to convince you and at the end of the shift you have to pick! Whoever wins gets to keep their honor"
Matt is standing in the middle of them. He looks mildly uncomfortable.
Serena: "Oh I'm gonna beat your ass, Bruce!"
Serena leans closer over to Bruce, he does the same. Matt is trapped in between.
Bruce (competitive): "Really, really? You don't know that you're talking to the debate club winner of West Linn high school four years in a row"
Serena (ridiculing): "that's not a flex, that's just sad"
Zoom on Matt looking stressed out.
INT. THE RECEPTION DESK
Joyce leans over Val's shoulder who's typing something. Joyce's presence annoys her.
Joyce (whispering aggressively): "We've gotta get Robby in quick, I don't want to make a bad impression, Val! Val! Are you listening??"
Val (normal tone): "Why are you calling him Robby?"
Show Wyle flipping through a magazine, fixing his glasses.
Joyce (still whispering aggressively): "Codename! Staying low-key or"
She looks at the camera:
"nonchalant, how the kids would say"
Val: "He just says he hurt his foot. Letting him be seen before the guy with a broken leg would be insane"
The camera pans over to a guy sitting a couple of seats away from Wyle with a pain distorted face, holding his leg.
Joyce grunts: "I! don't! care! Just make it work!"
Val: "I'm not about to break triage protocol for some guy"
Joyce storms off. Val looks tired at the camera.
CUT TO:
INT. THE NURSE'S STATION — DAY
Ron and Alex are doing talking head interviews.
Alex (acting serious): "Yeah, I mean as much as I'd love to storm into that room and shout 'Noah Wyle! I love you! Let me be your nurse', I can't, you know, and that's just on professionalism"
Ron (nodding): "Yeah, and—"
Joyce appears in the background and taps them on their shoulders.
Joyce: "Hey you, two. Would you have time to treat our VIP right now?"
Alex slightly turns around to her
Alex (frozen facial expression but excited): "You mean Wyle?"
Joyce: "Psshhhtt, let's use the codename 'Robby' for now"
Ron (with one eyebrow raised, sarcastic): "Oh wow, very enigmatic"
Joyce (whispering): "Well, can you!?"
Ron: "Sure, that's what's in my job description"
Joyce pushes Alex and Ron out of the frame. Alex tries to hide her excitement. Ron is less eager.
Joyce: "Let's not tell Val that I'm making you two pick him up"
INT. THE BREAK ROOM — DAY
Bruce is in front of the whiteboard in the break room. Matt is sitting facing the board, chewing fish sticks.
Bruce: "As you can see, I have prepared a list of similarities"
He points at the whiteboard. Matt nods. On the whiteboard it says: farm boy, religious, catching animals, sad eyes, clumsy.
Bruce: "My first argument: Both of you grew up on a farm!"
Matt (mildly annoyed): "Bruce, I keep telling you, it's a homestead not a farm"
Bruce (disregarding Matt): "Pah, what's the difference anyway—"
Matt (genuine): "So mainly, a farm is just a farm but our homestead is a preparation for Jesus' second coming, judgment day, where we believe— well I don't really believe that anymore—"
Bruce: "Fine, whatever, you're both religious though!"
Matt (merp-ing, shacking head): "Yeah but it's different. I don't think he grew up in— well you guys always say I grew up in a cult"
Bruce: "Okay, but imagine a bible quiz: who'd win?"
Matt: "It's not that simple, there's a lot of different ways to interpret the bible and since we—"
Bruce: "My god you're hard to persuade today. You know that I bought those fish strips for you, right?"
Matt (happy): "Yeah, but Serena told me that I shouldn't let you buy me like that!"
Bruce: "Well, have you maybe thought about that she might be trying to influence you against me by saying that?"
Matt (his world is crumbling): "She wouldn't, right?"
Bruce shrugs his shoulders. Matt is visibly having a trust crisis.
INT. ROOM 107, DAY
Ron and Alex have picked up Wyle. He's gowned up, Alex is typing, Ron is checking the chart.
Ron: "Okay, Mister –- Wyle. I see what brings you here today is pain in your right foot after an accident, is that right?"
Ron purposefully pauses before saying Wyle and slightly mispronounces it as something more like while.
Wyle: "Umm, yeah I was visiting family and you know how it is. I was running around with the kids but then the old man tripped. It's really not that bad"
Ron: "I'm gonna take a look at your foot, if that's alright"
Wyle: "Sure, go ahead"
The entire time, Alex is side eyeing the camera, biting her lip to not grin too obviously. Ron examines Wyle's foot.
Ron: "Doesn't look like anything's broken to me but we'll do an x-ray to make sure. Can you put that in Alex?"
Alex (nervous): "Yes, already done"
Ron: "Great! Alex's going to come pick you up again in a minute"
Wyle: "Sounds perfect"
He shows thumbs up while Alex and Ron leave the room and close the door behind them.
CUT TO:
ALEX TALKING HEAD
Alex (not believing in her own words): "Ron's right. You don't want someone to be like: 'Oh! You're that guy!' when you're at your lowest. Although he probably just broke his pinky toe or something. But Ron's right"
ACT 2
INT. THE CHAIR SECTION — DAY
Matt and Serena are treating patients next to each other.
Matt: "When you said that thing about Bruce wanting to buy me, did you really mean that or did you just say that to make me not like him?"
Serena: "No, I meant that… why?"
Matt: "I don't know, Bruce kinda got in my head about it"
Serena: "That's very Mel King of you"
Matt (spiraling): "Now you're getting in my head too"
SERENA TALKING HEAD
Serena (smiling mischievously): "No, I do not have anything planed to convince Matt that I'm right. I think Bruce is already doing that part for me"
INT. THE BIRTHING CENTER — WAITING ROOM — DAY
The camera follows Val. She finds Joyce sitting in a corner of the waiting room, jotting down ideas on a note book.
Val (semi confrontational): "Hey Joyce, can you explain to me how exactly Wyle got into room 107 without me or anyone else putting it into the system?"
Joyce: "Huh, that's weird… well, you know, I.T. is always updating something, right?"
She laughs as if she has no idea what Val is referring to. Val doesn't see a point in arguing, she just looks at the camera and shakes her head.
Joyce: "Hey! Now that I have you here, can you help me with something?"
Val doesn't so much agree as much as she simply doesn't disagree.
Joyce: "So I have the following problem. Let's say you have a famous patient and you want to use that opportunity to make one or two posts on social media. How would you go about initiating this?"
Val: "I wouldn't"
Joyce: "You're right, we've gotta keep it down.-- Maybe we can accidentally catch him when he leaves and ask for a picture!"
Val: "I guess you could do that"
Joyce: "Oh yeah, we're gonna do that. Portland General's gonna hate this! We've got Dr. Robby and what do they have? Nothing"
INT. THE NURSE'S STATION — DAY
Matt is clicking things on the monitor. Cut to the perspective behind his back. He's doing the buzz feed "which the Pitt character are you"-quiz.
Matt (to the camera): "Keith gave me this idea of doing online quizzes that tell you which the Pitt character you are most like -- He got Javadi"
He diverts his attention back to the monitor.
Matt (switching between reading and thinking out loud): "An unruly patient punches you, what do you do? Punch back? No! Call security? Yeah that's protocol… uhhh I guess, but mean I might also run away first and also try to talk them down depending on the circumstances and maybe cry"
He lowers his voice as he says and maybe cry.
Matt (clearing his throat): "I think I'm going with talk them down. Yeah, they probably have some unresolved feelings and if we talked it out, it'd be fine!"
INT. JOYCE'S OFFICE — DAY
Ron walks in. He raises his eyebrows at Val sitting bored on the couch opposite Joyce behind her office desk.
Joyce: "Why don't you sit down, Ronald"
Ron: "Don't call me that, you know I don't like that. Why did you call me in here?"
Val (straight forward): "She wants Wyle to take pictures with her so she can stick it to Portland General"
Joyce: "Valerie!"
Ron (ironic): "That sounds unproblematic, how can I help?"
Ron has one eyebrow raised. He looks at Val first, then at Joyce.
Joyce (secretive): "I was just thinking that if we ran into him coincidentally while he's leaving the hospital, we could ask him for a selfie"
Ron: "Okay… and what exactly do you want me to do about that?"
Joyce: "Well, he's your patient, you know when he's getting discharged"
Ron: "So you want me to snitch?"
(Joyce and Val simultaneously)
Val: "yep, that's it"
Joyce: "I wouldn't call it 'snitching'"
Ron (leaving the office): "I'll think about it"
INT. THE ELEVATOR — DAY
Wyle is sitting in a wheelchair, Alex is transporting him to get an X-ray. Before the elevator door closes we see Joyce lurking around a corner.
Wyle: "You've got a nice hospital"
Alex (nervous, smiling): "Thanks. I mean I didn't build it or anything -- Do you have a lot of uhhh hospital experience"
Wyle: "I guess you could say so"
Alex (fighting against her desire to fan-girl): "oh okay"
EXT. IN FRONT OF THE MAIN ENTRANCE — DAY
Joyce is planning the perfect angle to take a selfie with the St. Denis Medical logo in it.
Joyce (looking at her phone screen): "Val, come in here with me!"
Val hesitantly walks up next to Joyce. Joyce is moving the angle of her phone constantly.
Joyce (frustrated): "No, you're not tall enough to stand in for Robby, damn it!"
Val (not gaf, sarcastic): "Sorry, that's my bad"
Joyce sits down on a bench.
Joyce: "Hmpf, do you have any ideas?"
Val: "If you wanted something recognizable, you could just go in front of the St. Denis statue…"
Joyce (jumping up from the bench): "Yes! Yes Val, that's it! I love it! Now, let's go make sure we catch Robby before Ron smuggles him out of here"
INT. ZONE A, MAIN FLOOR — DAY
We see Matt walking across the floor, holding documents. The camera zooms out. We now see that Bruce is hiding behind a corner, holding an open milkshake bottle in his hand. He winks at the camera. As Matt comes closer, he gets more serious and prepares for his attack. Matt is not expecting anything as he walks around the corner. Bruce throws the milkshake at Matt.
Bruce (laughing):"Haha! GOTCHA! Claaaaasic Whitaker"
Matt raises his arms away from his body, waiting for the liquid to drip off. He is not amused.
Matt: "Bruce! Those files are important! You could've ruined them!"
Bruce: "Oh, come on! They can't be that important"
Matt (shocked, after a beat): "This is the family contact information for the woman in 117 whose leg you amputated like an hour ago!"
He shakes his head and walks away to the lockers to get changed. Dakota watched everything. Bruce is flustered.
Dakota (shaking her head): "Wow Bruce, wow"
Bruce (defensive): "How was I supposed to know that??"
INT. ROOM 207 — DAY
Alex looks at the X-ray, Wyle is in the bed.
Alex (mumbling to herself): "Called it"
Wyle: "Already know what it is?"
Alex: "Yeah, but I can't—"
Wyle (chuckling): "You can't diagnose, I know"
Alex (half at the camera): "Wow, you sure know a lot"
INT. THE RECEPTION — DAY
Val is back to work. Matt has meanwhile changed his scrubs and walks up to her behind the desk. No one's waiting in line.
Matt: "Hey Val, can I ask you something?"
Val (half listening, sarcastic): "Sure, not like I have work to do"
Matt: "If you had to pick one character from the Pitt who's the most like me, which one would you pick?"
Val: "I don't know, why are you asking?"
Matt: "Bruce and Serena made this bet, where they have to convince me that I'm either more like Whitaker or King and whoever wins gets to keep their honor"
Val: "Just tell them each the other person won"
Matt (getting more and more stressed): "That's not fair though… you know I tried taking those quizzes online to see which character I am but I got a different result every time… so now I don't know what to do"
Val (still only half listening): "Which one did you get first?"
Matt (hesitant): "I got Kiara Alfaro, the social worker"
CUT TO:
VAL TALKING HEAD
Val: "I watch the Pitt for the lesbians. I couldn't care less about Whitaker. I do care about Mel King. And I care about Matt. -- Alfaro is not a completely wrong take though."
INT. ROOM 207 — DAY
Alex hands Ron the X-ray. Ron wrinkles his forehead.
Ron (reflex like, surprised): "Doctor Robby has a broken pinky toe??"
Wyle laughs. Alex angles her eyebrows, then burst out laughing to match Wyle.
Alex (gloating): "What happened to your 'professionalism'??"
Ron (to Wyle, damage control): "The Pitt is a wonderful TV show, the whole ED is watching it"
Wyle: "Oh yeah? I was already guessing that might be the case"
Alex: "How'd you know that we know you!?"
Wyle: "I mean there's this blond woman who's been following me everywhere I go… does she not work here?"
The camera zooms in on Ron. He instantly realizes, he must be talking about Joyce.
Ron: "I don't know who you're talking about, we should probably have security look into that"
ACT 3
TALKING HEAD RON AND ALEX
Alex (excited): "That was so cool! Right, Ron?"
Ron inhales deeply, his head nodding from left to right until he breaks out into a bright smile.
Ron (giggly): "That was awesome. It's the guy! You know, it's really the guy!"
Alex: "Right?!?!?!"
Their facial expressions go back to serious after a second.
Alex: "I mean of course just as-uh-as cool and awesome as every other patient"
Ron (quietly to Alex, covering his mouth with his hand): "well, a little cooler"
Both break out into giggling again.
INT. OUTSIDE OF THE STAFF BATHROOMS — DAY
Serena and Bruce catch Matt right when he comes out of the bathroom.
Serene: "Sooo, have you made a decision?"
Matt (stuttering): "Huh, funny that you should ask because I actually— I think you're both a little right and wrong"
Bruce: "Bullshit. I spend the entire day proving that you're like Whitaker while Serena did nothing!"
Serena (smirking): "We see how well that worked out for you"
Bruce (imitating Serena): " 'We see how well that worked out for you.' It's not like your plan worked either!"
Serena and Bruce start fighting. They don't notice how Matt slips away while they're busy throwing insults at each other. The camera follows him running away with a pan first and then a zoom.
TALKING HEAD MATT
Matt is holding the bag of fish strips, he's ready to leave.
Matt: "Bruce put a lot of effort into making an argument and I really appreciate the fish strips. But even though I share a similar history with Whitaker I think I'm more optimistic than him. A little brighter vibes wise, you know? And I love Doctor King but I think I'm a little bit more aware of my surroundings if that makes sense. So I guess you could say that uh- I contain multitudes! Did I say that right? I heard someone say it recently and really liked it!
INT. RON'S WORK STATION — DAY
Ron is proudly showing Joyce something on his phone. The camera cuts to the perspective from behind them. It's a selfie of Alex, Wyle and him.
Joyce (insulted): "And you didn't page me to get in on the selfie?"
Ron (defensive): "Wyle noticed you creeping around him all day! That would've made it awkward!"
Joyce: "Did he say anything about posting it?"
Ron (slow, careful): "He said it's fine if we post it"
Joyce (celebrating): "F*** yeah, take that Portland General!"
Joyce celebrates by punching her fists in the air. She calms down after a second.
Joyce (back to business): "Alright, you're going to have to airdrop that to me"
Both struggle figure out how airdrop works.
TALKING HEAD MATT
Matt is still standing where he was before.
Serena (yelling from afar): "Hey Matt! We're going to find you!"
Bruce (from another direction): "Yeah, you're not getting away like that!"
Matt: "Alright, I think I better leave"
CUT TO:
EXT. HOSPITAL EXIT — DAY
Matt runs past Wyle. Wyle is leaving with a crutch.
Eric Ledgin [O.S.]: "How did you like St. Denis?"
Wyle: "How I like St. Denis? This was a very strange experience, I'll tell you that much"
THE END.