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Alastor hasn’t been this embarrassed by his own behaviour for a very long time. Or maybe even ever, because he couldn't remember if he ever acted that way in his life or death. And it’s been a long time now.
All flustered, blushing, circling around the place, thinking about one person over and over? It was long past the stage of being ridiculous and started to grow into “pathetic”. Nothing ever before made him feel that way, especially not another person.
But this time, it was all one man’s fault.
Alastor enjoyed pestering Lucifer ever since he joined the Hazbin Hotel’s crew. Making the king’s cheeks even more red from sheer anger, speechless and fuming, brought an even bigger smile to his face than usual. And when he thought about it now, he may have been enjoying it a little too much already. Yeah sure, it was very entertaining, but definitely not as much when he did the same to Husker or Vox. Lucifer was different for some reason, at least in his head.
He liked the attention. Liked being in Lucifer’s close distance, liked being near him, being the subject of his words, even if they were curses. He liked the way Lucifer looked at him, behaved around him, and treated him. It was very different from the time when Alastor was a captive at Vee Tower. That one, even though one could say Vox was acting similarly, wasn’t pleasant at all. The only good memory from there Alastor could think of was… When Lucifer became a captive too.
That’s why he ended up here, circling around under Lucifer’s door, the sign that read “No Alastor’s allowed” stinging his eyes, but bringing joy to his heart.
Joy that Alastor was about to end for good.
It had to end, right? That was the only way. He could easily find something else to be entertained about, especially now that he didn’t have to stick around at the Hotel anymore and could leave for good. But this feeling, this ridiculous, pathetic, weak emotion, was only pulling him down. And that never ended well, not there, not in Hell, he was the witness to that himself.
After all, there were no friends in Hell. So it wasn’t a place for lovers either.
The next part was easy. He will come inside, say out loud what he has to, and it will be over. He can endure a little bit of humiliation, not like he has never done it before. Just like that, he will be free - free of these ridiculous feelings, free to go. He will disappear and never show his face again.
Come on Alastor, you can do it, he thought, tugging on his hair and flicking his ears. With a deep breath he put on his best, most perfect smile and opened the door, without even knocking.
Alastor was ready to see a lot of scenes. A bunch of rubber ducks flowing out of the room his way, the King of Hell creating something ridiculous again, him watching those silly shows about ducks in a picture box.
What he didn’t expect was complete darkness, only the light from the corridor illuminating the room, and in the middle, Lucifer laying in bed. Not sleeping, not watching television, but instead laying on his back, eyes wide open, slightly glowing in the dark, staring at the ceiling, his gaze completely empty. Alastor glanced up slightly to see if there was something particular there to look at, but didn’t notice anything.
“Oh my, is this a new hobby of yours? Are you, perhaps, drawing ducks on the ceiling with your eyes? Made too many real ones, now you're making fictional?” Alastor strolled around the room, not closing the door behind him. He didn’t know where the light switch was, nor was he keen on sitting in complete darkness with the King of Hell.
“Get lost, Alastor, I’m not in the mood for your games.” Lucifer replied and it was different. It was not his usual annoyed tone, it was almost empty, like with no emotion at all. He didn’t even bother to call him any of the ridiculous nicknames.
Of course, Alastor was not the one to give up easily.
“Oh come on, Your Majesty, put a little smile on would you?” said Alastor, not bothering with his words. “You know you’re never fully dressed without one!”
“What part of “I’m not in the mood” you don’t get?” Lucifer groaned, turning on the side, his back facing Alastor now. “I don’t want to see your face now.”
Alastor was sure he muttered something else to that but didn’t quite catch that. He shrugged his shoulders and looked around the room. Piles of rubber ducks filling the room, he had to watch his step to not slip on one. He could swear there were more every time he came in. “And what’s with this gloomy and dark aesthetic? You could let in a little sunlight, you know. I know you’re the Devil and all but this shady atmosphere is really not your style.”
“ENOUGH!” Lucifer finally snapped, sitting up, his eyes glowing red this time, the tips of his horns poking out of his head. “Fuck the hell off!”
Alastor has heard this and that about Lucifer’s depression, but until now, he thought it only manifested in stress-making of all of these ridiculous ducks. He was never a witness to something like this before. Lucifer was angry, but it wasn’t the usual annoyance, no this time it was worse, it was real. Maybe he would be even a little scared if he knew Lucifer was not able to do any harm to him. It was a type of “don’t mess with me and i mean it”.
Of course, Alastor on the outside was acting as unbothered as ever. On the inside, he felt a sting of guilt. He brushed it off quickly with a smile as he sat down in an armchair. “Tell me, Lucifer, do you ever talk to your daughter about how you feel?”
That caught him off guard, because he looked at Alastor in confusion, his horns and glowing eyes gone.”No? I don't want her to worry about me, what does that have to do with anything?”
And why are you still here? he also said, whispering, but Alastor turned a deaf ear to it.
“Then do you tell anyone, in that matter?”
“No.” Lucifer looked at him with annoyance, but didn’t try to kick him out anymore. Probably realized it was pointless anyway.
“Oh my, I imagine it gets lonely being the king of Hell. You're above everyone so no one is willing to listen.” he said, sipping a cup of tea, Lucifer wondered where did he get that from. He seemed to be able to manifest some things into being with a snap of his fingers alone.
“What would you even know about that?” Lucifer looked away, this time his expression not annoyed, but simply sad. Perhaps Alastor’s assumption was not far from the truth.
“I may know more than you give me credit for.” Alastor's smile faded a little.
"Aren't you the one pushing everyone away? Charlie tried so hard to be your friend-” Lucifer rolled his eyes at him.
“Aren’t you doing the exact same thing?
“What do you want, Alastor?”
“Oh, I was simply looking for a companion for my afternoon tea.” he lied, taking a sip to strengthen it. “And I thought, maybe you need someone to talk to. I may be your best option, you know.”
Alastor could actually do what he intended to the very moment he stepped through the door. Blurt it out, say it out loud, like something meaningless, something to get rid of, exactly what it was. And then disappear into the shadows and never show his face again, just like he wanted from the beginning.
The problem was, since he didn’t have an opportunity to do that yet, he still cared. Cared about Lucifer’s wellbeing and simply couldn't just leave him like this, no matter how much he wanted.
I can talk to him a little, if it’s our last chat anyways he thought, making himself comfortable. One last look at his face, this beautiful, pale white, distressed, miserable face. It was worth the time spent there.
“You want to actually listen to my problems? Don’t be ridiculous, bellhop.” Lucifer snapped back at him, his usual attitude coming back. Even the nickname, which Alastor usually hated, he will miss when he's gone. “You wouldn’t understand any of it.”
“Why not give it a shot? I don’t think you’re losing anything.”
“Cause it’s pointless, isn’t it? You’re gonna laugh at me, ridicule me, like you always do!” Lucifer punched his fist against the mattress, but it looked more pathetic, than threatening. “And then you’re gonna leave. Like everyone always does.”
“Leave?”
“Leave me! After all this time, no matter what, everyone always leaves… She left…”
Alastor’s heart stung at that one, even though his face never showed anything, didn’t even flinch. He kept his usual perfect composure.
“Can I give you a piece of advice, Your Majesty?” Alastor asked with a smile, not waiting for his response. “Never show anyone that they can hurt you.”
“You think I don’t know that?! You think it’s easy?!” Lucifer snapped at him mid sentence. “Maybe your little human brain doesn’t fully embrace it, but she was with me for ten thousand years. I can’t just move on like that. Fuck, that’s because I didn’t want to talk to you. You can’t even comprehend friendship, not to mention something like this.”
Alastor huffed under his breath. “Well isn’t your immortal life all about that? People coming and going? That’s something I can relate to.”
“Yes, but just… Not her. We went through everything together. The garden, the fall, our daughter, everything… It’s still so vivid in my memories.” Lucifer smiled at the reminiscence, tracing the sheets on his bed with his finger, as if he tried to draw a little devil family smiling together.
“No one’s taking it away from you, Your Majesty. But how could you still care so much about someone that left you behind and visibly doesn’t care anymore?” Alastor reasoned. Lucifer didn’t like that. He didn’t like someone else talking sense into him. In his current state it sounded like gibberish.
“What if she cares? I don’t know what happened, what if she comes back… It’s been just eight years… It’s nothing compared to what we already went through…” Lucifer looked at his palms, looking for truth there. He didn’t see anything.
“Would you leave someone you love, without a word, even for a day?”
“No…”
“That’s your answer, I presume.”
Lucifer wanted to cry. To scream, to make a scene, to kick Alastor out, to tug on his clothes and beat him into submission, to order him to speak differently, to fill into his delusions. Alastor just sat there, his legs crossed, sipping that damn tea. He wanted to knock the cup out of his hands.
He didn’t do any of those.
“That’s it! The big talk of someone that doesn’t understand it at all!” Lucifer cried out, not even noticing actual tears in his eyes. “How can you say that! What do you even know about love?!”
For the past thirty minutes of going back and forth with the King, Alastor really tried his best to keep his composure. He sat still, spoke normally, tried to maintain his posture, listened and even tried to give some advice. Meanwhile, behind the chair, in the place where Lucifer couldn't see it, his shadow was going absolutely feral, tugging at his coat and making all of the inappropriate gestures one could think of. It always seemed to be able to convey Alastor’s inner thoughts and feelings better than he could ever do so himself.
It was simply too much, hearing him say all of these awful, hopeless things about someone that hurt him so much. How much a person can be blinded by love, if it meant getting at least a little bit of attention and affection, how far could a person go just to be told words that didn’t hold any meaning? To feel better about themselves, about that pointless relationship, to feel secure and desired, even if just for a moment? Even if it was going to vanish any next second?
How long was he able to hold onto the person that not only didn’t want him, but also was already long gone?
And why did Alastor feel like such a fool just thinking about it?
“Love is the reason I am here in the first place!” Alastor finally blurted out, a dark blush spreading around his cheeks, he prayed that Lucifer won’t be able to see it in this darkness. “That’s my biggest problem! And you’re just making it worse with your nonsense!”
Lucifer stared at him dumbfounded, before finally yelling. “What the hell are you on about?!”
“Fine! You win, Your Majesty! I don’t understand anything!” he talked, and words just flew out of his mouth without much further thought. It was just like when he was on the air during his radio broadcasts, he didn’t even have to think about what to say, perfect words and topics always found their way to him. That’s why he was always so good at what he’s been doing, people loved him for that, but now, he hates it more than anything. Being so weak, so vulnerable, especially in front of someone else. In front of him.
Lucifer stared at him in utter confusion, while his body started moving on its own. He found his way to the edge of the bed he was laying in, suddenly wanting to be as close to Alastor as he could, without leaving his safe space at the same time. The duck-printed blanket slightly fell off his shoulders, as he stared at Alastor, waiting to hear more.
“You know how we’re different? In my life and death, I’ve never felt something like this before. I’ve felt rage, anger, sadness and misery, I know them all so well. But this is so new and foreign to me, it’s not easy! While you? You know this so well, you knew it your whole life!” Alastor tugged on his hair, his ears flicking, expression distraught. “That’s why I can’t take it, the person I care so much for speaking so highly of someone who doesn’t care, someone who left, someone… else.”
Silence fell for a second, Alastor looked away. “And so lowly of someone who cares, someone who’s here…”.
Alastor hated the silence, actually. He hated himself a little too, for letting himself say that. Hated the anticipation in which there were thousands of ways Lucifer could respond to that. It was going to end badly, he knew that much. He has done so already at least once in the past himself, he was no stranger.
There were no friends… No lovers in hell.
“You… Care? For who? Me?”
A deep breath. That's your que Alastor. Go ridicule yourself.
“That’s right! Pathetic, isn’t it? Come on, we can get it over with. Laugh at me, make fun of me!” Alastor laughed out loudly like he didn’t care anymore.
Break my heart and get it over with, he wanted to add, but didn’t say anything anymore. Not after seeing Lucifer’s face.
Not daring to say another word to those tears, those sorrowful eyes, those trembling lips.
Lucifer sobbed quietly, staying still, looking Alastor straight in the eyes. He heard someone say one day that eyes are the reflection of the soul. That’s how he felt - Lucifer staring at it with his golden eyes, eyes of an angel that saw through everything. Through his mind, his heart, his inner thoughts. Like he knew he wanted to leave as well. Like he was sure it was another one of Alastor’s lies.
Break my heart and hope to die, Alastor thought. Not this. Not this time. No more lies.
“You don’t love me, Alastor.” he said, finally, wiping his tears, a faint smile appearing on his face. “Everyone always says that. They never mean it.”
“I want you to believe that I do.” Alastor looked away. He could probably leave by now, as everything he wanted to do here was already done. The fact that Lucifer decided not to laugh was his loss. But this disgusting feeling was ripping him from inside and made him stay. Hope.
“How could I? A woman I thought I knew said it, and never meant it, for ten thousand years.” he replied, his smile sad now. Took out his hand, as if reaching for something. A memory he desperately tried to hold on to, perhaps. “How could I trust anyone else with it?”
Alastor for once, didn’t have the answer. He wanted to scream at him, to just forget her and give him a chance. He knew it was pointless.
“I’m not lying here today to cry about the memories that are no longer reality.” Lucifer continued, looking down at his bed with a smile, picking up a single rubber duck nearby, one of the thousands similar. “It’s because I want to forget those memories. I want to free myself from the chains that still tie me to her. Because today I decided to tell you how I feel.”
“What now?”
“Pathetic isn’t it? You beat me to it, I had no idea!” Lucifer’s tears flew from his eyes once again, falling onto the bed and his shirt. Alastor felt the urge to wipe them, but didn’t move. “I wanted to free myself from this curse, but couldn't bring myself to it. It’s like a ball and chain that pulls me down. Orders to stay here, to rot in bed and be miserable. To think over and over again how I won’t be able to love anyone anymore in my pathetic immortal life.”
Alastor stared at him. He had so many urges at the same time, his mind screaming so loudly in his head. Urge to run away. Urge to laugh it off. Urge to pretend he doesn’t care.
Won the urge to stand up and sit beside him. Lucifer flinched, seeing Alastor so close all of the sudden. But he didn’t run either. He even let him hold his hand.
“You really… Have these feelings for me too?” Alastor asked with a blush on his face, this time Lucifer could see it for sure. He didn’t care that much anymore.
“I had for a while now… Why do you think I seeked your attention all the time?” he chuckled, then pouted again. “But I don’t think it means anything.”
“You’re scared of commitment. Scared of being abandoned again.” he said that out loud instead of him. Lucifer just nodded. Alastor shook his head. “Then I see only two options for you.”
“What options?”
“One - you can reject, not only me, but also yourself. Let yourself stay in this slumber of sadness. Then I will disappear and you will never see me again.” Alastor breathed in slowly and deeply. Then reached out to hold Lucifer’s chin and turn it to face him. His eyes were confused, sad and hopeful, all at the same time. Alastor expected from him nothing less. “Or, you can try to get yourself out of it, with me. Try small and slow. We have all the time in the world, don’t we?”
“I’m scared…”
“I know. But I believe you’re also brave. That doesn’t exclude itself. You just have to look from… Different perspectives.” Alastor’s finger stroked Lucifer’s cheek. He melted into his touch. “After all, you’re the Morning Star. The Light Bringer. God’s favourite son. I know you can.”
Lucifer closed his eyes, still lingering to Alastor’s touch. It was warm, it was nice, it felt safe. If it was only a dream, he didn’t want to wake up. If it was meant to last for only a moment, he wanted it to never end.
“But where do I begin… I don’t even remember… “ he tried to look away, but Alastor got his eyes right back on him.
He reached out to take Lucifer’s hand, but instead of holding it, he took off his finger one last item that Lucifer held onto so tightly, one that he couldn't seem to be able to let go of - his wedding band. Alastor simply put it onto Lucifer’s open palm. “Let’s start small.”
Lucifer looked at it for a while. A simple golden ring, without any crystals, without engravings, Lilith always liked to keep things simple like that. She chose a simple wedding ring. A simple name for their daughter. A simple way to leave.
He could do many things with it. Put it back on, like nothing happened. Maybe even yell at Alastor for daring to take it off. Kick him out. Forget this ever happened. Pick option one.
Instead, he chose to put it on fire and watch it burn. A flame in his palm so strong he watched the metal slowly melt, sparks flicking in his eyes as he did.
“Starting slow never works. You have to burn the bridges to make sure you can never come back to that misery.” he said, turning to Alastor. He saw a proud smile on his face, and that bringed a smile to his own. “You know I’m gonna be a terrible partner?”
“Oh, I expect nothing less from the King of Hell himself.” Alastor smirked in return. “But I’m gonna be worse.”
“I’m gonna make you watch my duck shows and make rubber ducks with me.”
“Okay you win.”
They laughed and smiled and Lucifer wasn’t sure when he let himself hug him, when Alastor let him be hugged, but they did and it was amazing. The material of Alastor’s suit was soft, he could rest his hand on it and close his eyes. And it felt like everything was going to be okay again. Not right away, no, it doesn't work like that. But someday, if they stayed together like this. Lucifer was sure of it.
“Alastor, I… I…” he stuttered, words not coming out the way he wanted. “Fuck, I…”
“Shh” Alastor placed a finger on his lips with a smile. “I know. Me too.”
He wanted to kiss him so badly. Show him he will stay now, he won’t go anywhere. Not anymore. But it was probably too soon and he knew a thing about boundaries. So he placed a kiss on Lucifer’s forehead, one on both of his cheeks, and one on his nose.
Lucifer was not satisfied when he saw Alastor retreating. He pulled him by the neck closer, until their lips touched, until they melted into one, pouring out the feelings they couldn't say out loud quite yet. Lucifer smiled between kisses. He’s gonna ask Alastor if it was his first later. And hopefully tease him for it.
Alastor believed there was no place for friends in Hell. But maybe there was a place for a lover in his heart.