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Logan returned to his room after the latest episode, shame painting his cheeks a rosy red. He had, admittedly, lost control and offered an overly logical explanation with no emotional consideration in mind rather than thinking about what Thomas had truly needed in the moment. And judging how Janus was squinted at him for a brief moment, Logan also must’ve lost control of his eyes for a second.
“Stupid.” Logan chastised himself as he slid into his desk chair, shaky hands positioned to begin on a rough draft of the next Sanders Sides script.
His hands stuttered and shook with every word typed, the screen gradually blurring as tears gathered in the corner of his eyes. This was stupid. He was supposed to be logic; logic doesn’t suffer from the burden of emotions like the other sides do. He was supposed to be the pinnacle of Thomas’ knowledge, and that doesn’t entail getting choked up over not being able to offer a solution for a minor problem. He had even allowed himself to indulge in fun with the others, a mistake he was growing to regret. Logic doesn’t need fun, it needs cold facts.
Logan sighed and pulled his glasses off of his face, digging his palms in his eyes until he could focus more on the pain rather than the stinging tears that were threatening to escape his eyes. It wasn’t the healthiest coping mechanism and he knew it. His mind was screaming at him to stop; that his actions had the possibility to cause worse vision loss, break blood vessels, introduce damaging bacteria into his eyes, or worse. But, he didn’t care. He needed everything to stop for a moment.
“They don’t need you anymore.” Something deep in his mind hissed. The voice was hateful, so spiteful that it would make even Remus reel back in shock.
“Janus could replace you as logic and nobody would even care! He’s more attuned with Thomas’ emotions than you will ever be. Your door could disappear tomorrow and nobody would notice until they needed someone to make fun of again.” The voice grew stronger, louder. The loathsome words contradicted the playful tone they were said in. Logan let out a shaky gasp as he felt an all too familiar pressure build in his throat, threatening to escape in a pitiful sob.
“The light sides don’t want you.”
“The dark sides don’t need you.”
“Thomas doesn’t need you.”
Logan practically launched himself out of his chair and collapsed onto his bed, hyperventilating as he sobbed into his pillow. A dangerous combination that could cause him to pass out if he didn’t calm himself down soon. If he passed out, he would miss dinner. And if he missed dinner, someone would come knocking on his door. And if they came to his door, they’d hear his pathetic wailing. Then they’d probably approach him like he was some sort of scared animal. Like something to be fixed.
Logan couldn’t handle the thought, but any attempt to calm himself down was ultimately fruitless. The more he tried to force himself to relax, the worse the voice got in his head. It was basically screaming at him now that nobody had ever truly liked him to begin with.
Maybe, he should just listen to the voice and.. disappear. For good.
He wasn’t entirely sure how’d he do it without explicitly getting Thomas’ help, but maybe a couple of pills would be enough for Thomas’ subconscious mind to realize his weakened state and put him out of his misery.
It was after that thought specifically that thunderous footsteps made their way upstairs and stopped in front of his door. Logan held his breath and tried to will whoever was at the door away.
It didn’t work.
“Logan? Kiddo, you in there?” A tentative voice spoke up after a few seconds of anticipative silence. Logan recognized it as Patton. The fatherly side was the only one who called people kiddo despite all the sides and Thomas being the same age.
Logan didn’t speak. Another voice rose up after a few more moments of continued silence.
“Listen, Nerdy Wolverine. If you don’t open the door, I’ll break it down! You won’t make a prince such as myself ruin my perfectly manicured nails, will you?” Roman said with a dramatic sigh. Logan could almost imagine the prince placing his hand on his forehead to go along with his statement. If he listened close enough, Logan could make out a hint of concern present in Roman’s seemingly uncaring tone.
A louder voice that was definitely Virgil’s scolded Roman for his words. Then Roman’s voice chimed in to defend himself against Virgil’s accusations. Their voices were so loud, Logan couldn’t help but wince softly.
The voices stopped. Logan felt an overwhelming sense of dread wash over his body when he realized that his wince was louder than he thought it’d be. Stupid. Couldn’t even recognize when he was louder than he wanted to be. How could he continue in the role of Thomas’ logic when he kept making illogical mistakes?
Finally, Virgil’s barely audible voice spoke, more soothing than Logan had expected it to be. “Logan, are you already? Remus… told us that your thoughts were more concerning than he’s used to.. and you know it’s bad when Remus gets worried.”
Remus… had been worried about him? Remus only got others to interfere when thoughts grew too depressing for entertainment. Logan only knew that because Remus told him after Virgil had a particularly bad panic attack and had thoughts of…
Self harming.
Did Remus believe Logan was going to harm himself? That couldn’t have been right because Logan didn’t think he was at risk of injuring himself. Not severely at least.
“Logan, I’m going to open the door. Stop me if you don’t want me to come in.” Virgil spoke again as the former dark side slowly began to open Logan’s door, trying to give the logical side a chance to stop him.
Logan didn’t. As embarrassing as it was to admit, he wanted someone to check in on him. To.. save him from himself if that was what concerned them to his sorry state.
Virgil fully swung open Logan’s door when he realized the other wasn’t going to stop him anytime soon. The three sides took in Logan’s neat room before their eyes fell on the usually methodical and composed side. Logan was face down in a pillow that was obviously tear stained.
“Oh, kiddo! What happened?” Patton worried as he tried to rush to Logan’s side to check on the man, but Virgil held the fatherly side back.
“Hold on,” Virgil began to say softly, glancing over at Logan before refocusing his attention onto Patton and Roman. “You’ll overwhelm him if you bombard him like that. You should let me talk to him first.” The usually indifferent side continued, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth.
“Are you sure, kiddo?” Patton questioned uneasily, his hands pulling tightly on the cardigan wrapped loosely around his shoulders. Although it wasn’t voiced, it was clear that he was concerned about Virgil possibly making it worse.
“Yeah, I mean, you’re not exactly the most calm person ever. What if his nerves make you nervous and now we have two people to calm down?” Roman nodded, having the same thought as Patton did at Virgil’s suggestion.
“Wow, you two seriously doubt me that much? I’m not that much of a nervous wreck.” Virgil said in an unimpressed tone. If Logan wasn’t so distraught, he would’ve managed a small smile at the snarky response.
Patton and Roman protested Virgil’s words vehemently, shaking their heads and waving their hands around as though it would dissolve the snarky response from existence. Virgil scolded them for being too loud as he finally managed to kick the two sides from the room. Silence filled the room again. Logan sniffled as he tried to focus on the various sounds in his room.
The clock above his bed ticked insistently. Now that he was actually paying attention to the sound, it was incredibly irritating. He should do something about that soon or else it would drive him to the brink of insanity if he wasn’t already there.
“Yeah, that clock is pretty annoying. I’ve been trying to convince you to get rid of it for weeks now.” Virgil said with an amused huff. Logan froze when he realized the anxious side could actually hear him despite the fact that he wasn’t speaking.
“Oh, sorry. I could sense that the clock was making you anxious, y’know, since I’m the embodiment of anxiety and all.” Virgil apologized quickly, knowing that his ability had a tendency to freak people out when finding out about it for the first time.
When Logan didn’t respond, Virgil spoke again. “Can I…touch you? You normally do that to calm me down from panic attacks.” Virgil gently reached a hand out and hovered it nervously above Logan’s shoulder, wanting consent before anything else. Logan couldn’t bring himself to do more than nod, but that was enough for Virgil.
The former dark side placed his hand on Logan’s chin rather than his shoulder as planned, gently yet firmly turning the distressed logic to look up at him. Virgil scanned Logan’s face for any sign of discomfort before brushing the hair out of Logan’s face. If Logan didn’t know any better, he would be flustered by the movement. He knew Virgil wasn’t trying to be romantic with his intentions, but damn it, if part of Logan didn’t wish he was.
They stayed in that position for longer than expected, with Virgil staring down at Logan with concern in his eyes and Logan trying not to metaphorically pass out from a heart attack. Eventually, Virgil shook his head as he finally spoke to break the tension. Logan bit back a little smile when he saw red brush Virgil’s cheeks.
“Do you wanna.. talk about it?” Virgil asked awkwardly, shifting his gaze from Logan’s face to the floor. Logan felt a pinch of disappointment by the action, but quickly snapped out of it when he realized he was being illogical again.
“It was nothing really. I’m not sure what caused such a reaction myself.” Lie. Logan absolutely knew what caused him to be sobbing in his pillow at 7:27 pm; the fear of not being of use.
Virgil didn’t seem all that convinced with Logan’s words. Normally, he wouldn’t push that kind of stuff, but the way Remus described Logan’s thoughts..
“Teach is thinking of killing himself.” Virgil remembered Remus saying abruptly, stunning the kitchen into silence. The hushed atmosphere wasn’t enough to get Remus to stop talking. “Thinking of overdosing. How boring is that?! He could at least stab himself, that would make for a good scene!” Remus continued carelessly, though Virgil realized the hint Remus was trying to give in his own weird way. Remus wanted someone to put a stop to it before it progressed too far. Contrary to what the other sides thought, Virgil could recognize when the typically chaotic side was concerned about something—the slight pinch of his eyebrows was an obvious tell that only Virgil and Janus noticed.
Shaking himself out of his thoughts again, Virgil’s eyebrows furrowed as his eyes shifted back to Logan’s face. His expression was more firm than Logan was used to from the usually quiet man. “We both know that isn’t true, Lo. I.. know that you were planning to overdose.” Virgil stated, rubbing his thumb over Logan’s cheek. Logan was a little confused by the action, but chalked it up as Virgil not knowing how to give comfort since he was usually on the receiving end of it.
“It was a passing thought. I wasn’t going to. We are simply part of Thomas’ mind, so I doubt it’d have much effect to begin with other than a sore throat.” Logan sighed as he sat up, his head swimming for a second before everything cleared. The crying must’ve taken more out of him than he realized.
“It doesn’t matter that you weren’t going to! The fact that the thought even crossed your mind is bad enough!” Virgil snapped, not even realizing that he was raising his voice. He just couldn’t believe how hypocritical Logan was being—the sophisticated man was always telling him that passing thoughts were serious and that he should seek help immediately if he was having suicidal thoughts.
“Virgil, please…” Logan pleaded unintentionally, his fragile tone making him grimace uncomfortably. Logan hated being perceived as weak because that would inevitably lead to the others seeing him as nothing but a joke. Logic wasn’t supposed to be a joke. Logic also wasn’t meant to be hysterical, yet here he was.
Virgil’s eyes widened at Logan’s pleading tone before his eyes softened slightly, pulling Logan against his chest as he tried to remember the steps of the calming technique Patton taught him. “Okay, okay. I’m sorry, Lo. I’m not mad at you, just the situation. I don't know how we—how I—didn’t notice this earlier.”
Logan’s face flushed a bright red when his head hit the soft surface of Virgil’s chest. They all had a similar structure to Thomas, but something about Virgil’s body specifically made Logan want to embrace his warmth, to allow himself to decompress and get comfortable in the anxious side’s pillowy chest. Logan huffed as he pulled away slightly from Virgil’s hold; he didn’t want the other to start thinking that he was some sort of joke. Though he couldn’t help but feel dejected when Virgil actually loosened his grip rather than tightening it. Logan then remembered that he hadn’t answered Virgil’s potentially rhetorical statement; the man probably wasn’t expecting an answer, yet he provided one regardless.
“You and the others potentially didn’t notice this earlier because these thoughts come and go quickly. This is the first time that these thoughts have.. gotten to me to this extent. I have a working theory that they’re growing worse as I’m metaphorically shoved aside, but I have nothing concrete yet.” Logan explained calmly though his cheeks were still flushed with embarrassment.
“This is ridiculous, Logan. You’re being ridiculous. You shouldn’t be feeling like this. You shouldn’t be feeling at all.” The voice returned harsher than before, basically growling the words from the back of his brian. A wave of panic washed over him all over again as he slammed his palms into his eyes harder than before. He could hear Virgil startled shout as he tried to pull Logan’s hands away from his eyes.
“Hey, hey, Logan, don’t do that. What happened?” Virgil worried as he took Logan’s head in his hands, thumbs rubbing circles on Logan’s soft cheeks.
“I..apologize, Virgil. You shouldn’t be seeing me like this. Logic isn’t supposed to have emotions.” Logan said heartfeltly, looking up at Virgil with a sincere expression. Virgil couldn’t help but notice how..pretty Logan was up close. It almost made him want to…
Before Virgil could restrain his instincts, he leaned in and captured Logan’s lips in a gentle, yet firm kiss. Logan’s lips were rough, as though his lip chewing had made the skin uneven. Virgil didn’t care.
Logan pulled away first and stared at Virgil with wide eyes, completely stunned by the unexpected kiss. Virgil felt a little self conscious with the unbroken eye contact, but didn’t shy away. He needed Logan to know that he was allowed to feel; he could be upset about the kiss later if he wanted.
“Lo, you’re allowed to feel however you damn well please. Being Logic doesn’t mean you have to constantly block out your emotions. You’re not an emotionless robot, L.” Virgil rambled as he released Logan’s cheeks from his hands when he noticed the other was still staring at him blankly. “Logan?”
Virgil gasped as Logan kissed him more passionately than their previous kiss, the logical side’s hands twisting into Virgil’s hair as he pulled him impossibly closer. Virgil’s hands scrambled for something to hold as they rested on Logan’s hips, hands grasping Logan’s polo shirt tightly. Logan leaned back and Virgil followed; Logan now beneath Virgil as they continued their intense make out session. Logan pulled away briefly to speak.
“You’re correct. I am not an ‘emotionless robot’ as you so put it. Because, if I were, I wouldn’t be feeling this way for you.” Logan admitted breathlessly.
“However you’re feeling, I’m feeling the same way, L. I think I love you.” Virgil responded with a flustered smile, his hands on either side of Logan’s head.
“I think I love you too, Virgil. More than I realized I could.” Logan said as he managed a crooked smile at Virgil’s loving words.
With that, they continued to messily and passionately make out on Logan’s plush bed. The world around them seemed to fade away as they got caught up in the heat of the moment. It would take time for Logan to heal and grow from the experience and the voice didn’t disappear immediately, but that didn’t matter now. What mattered was that Logan was safe in Virgil’s arms and the exhausted side was going anywhere, anytime soon.
——————————————————————
Patton and Roman were still stationed outside of Logan’s door patiently, worried about what was taking their resident emo so long to comfort Logan.
“I’m going to crack open the door. Just real quick.” Roman said when the wait was too long to bear, cracking Logan’s dark blue door open slightly and peeked his head into the room..only to immediately pull back with a bright red face and a sparkle in his eye.
“Are they okay, kiddo? Are you okay? Why is your face so red?” Patton stressed when he saw Roman’s face, reaching for the door to check for himself only for Roman to pull his hand away.
“They need some alone time. Our resident emo seems to have finally gotten laid.” Roman said with a mischievous giggle as he led Patton away from the room.
“Laid? Oh, are they asleep? That’s so adorable! I’ll bring them some cookies when they wake up!” Patton gasped cheerfully as he let Roman lead him away, a clueless smile on his face. He was just happy that his kiddos were a-okay.