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Losing victims on calls was always hard, especially for Buck- who puts all of his self worth into how many people he saved, how well he did his job. And today was especially hard. A whole family was trapped in a burning apartment building and they couldn't get there in time.
The entire ride back to the station, Buck was silent. He kept beating himself up over it, mulling over all of the 'what if's and thinking of all the things he could've done better.
That train of thought didn't magically stop once he left the firetruck, he kept spiraling. Everything around him was a blur. Hee moved in a daze, going through the motions as he took off his gear. He barely noticed how his feet kept walking, taking him up to the roof. He looked down, the ground so far beneath him.
'I failed. Again. I Bucked it all up, just like I always do.'
'I can't do anything right.'
'Not even able to do my job, then why am I even around?'
'Eddie was right... I'm exhausting.'
His hands gripped the railing, the only thing standing between him and the ground. Aside from that, there was nothing stopping him from taking that last step. Nothing holding him back from closing his eyes and never opening them again.
'No one would miss me...'
Everyone else had lives outside of the 118. Family, friends, kids. Buck had no one, they all left anyway. So, what was the point in staying around? The world would be better off without him.
He took a deep breath, letting his eyes flutter closed. He opened them, then climbed over the railing, his hands still loosely holding onto it behind him. Slowly, one by one, he removed the grip of his fingers around the metal. His right hand fell down to his side, he slowly started taking his left hand away-
"BUCK!"
A voice startled him, his hands gripping back on to the railing before he even registered who spoke.
Eddie was right there, within arms reach. Buck hadn't even heard the door to the roof open. He was standing there, those big, brown eyes filled with worry as he stared at Buck. He reached out, his hand firmly grabbing onto Buck's bicep.
"What the hell are you doing?"
Eddie sounded just as worried as he looked, it made Buck's heart ache. He made his best friend worry, he wasn't supposed to do that. Best friends weren't supposed to bother their friends with attempted suicide, not Buck. He couldn't do that to Eddie. The man already had so much going on, Buck didn't need to add to his problems. He couldn't look at Eddie, couldn't bring himself to meet that frightened gaze.
"Just let me die, Eds. It'll be easier that way." He said exactly what he'd been thinking, but actually saying it made it feel so much more real. If he did this, he would die. No second chances.
"What'll be easier, hm? The hell are you thinking, Buck?" Eddie asked, his grip tightening.
"Everything. I won't be around to Buck it up anymore." He said, calmly. Too calmly. "You won't have to worry about me, I won't get in your way. You and Christopher-" Mentioning the younger Diaz made Buck choke up. His death might make Chris sad, but he'd get over it. Buck wasn't that important anyway. "You can find someone nice, you and Chris could have a family again."
"We have a family, Buck. Me, Chris, and you. You're a part of that. You've helped us both so much, we couldn't ask for a better person. You stuck around even when we didn't deserve you. You helped me when no one else would. And I trust you with Chris more than anyone in the world. You're in my will for fuck's sake." Eddie tugged on Buck's arm, wishing there wasn't a railing in between them. He wanted to pull Buck away from the ledge and into the safety of his arms. "You being alive makes our lives easier. You're the sunshine on a rainy day."
"I'm exhausting, you said so yourself."
"Buck, I-" Eddie took a deep breath. "I was angry when I said that. I was mad that you sued the department and I wasn't allowed to speak to you. That hurt me, so I hurt you. But, I didn't mean it. You aren't exhausting."
Buck looked up, meeting Eddie's gaze for the first time. He looked so sad, so dejected. "You don't have to say all that."
"I mean it. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me-"
"After Chris." Buck corrected.
The brunette sighed and gave his friend a soft smile, "After Chris, yes. But, you mean everything to us. We love you, Buck. I love you."
"You... Love me..?"
"Yes, I do. And I'll say it as many times as you need me to."
"...you love me.." Buck repeated, still sounding unsure.
Eddie nodded. "I love you more than a friend, more than a best friend, and I have for some time now. It took me a while for me to realize, but-" He almost laughed. "It was so obvious, Buck. I love you, and I know you love me too, so please step away from the ledge. I can't lose you."
Hesitantly, cautiously, Buck climbed back over the railing. The moment both of his feet were safely on the other side, Eddie pulled him down into a kiss. His warm hands on Buck's face, holding him close.
Buck bluescreened, his brain stopped working the second he felt Eddie's lips against his. His legs trembled, he couldn't even stand that's how far gone he was. Luckily, Eddie caught him.
"Woah-! Geez, Buck, are you okay? Did I do something-"
Buck cut off his friend before he could start to spiral, he pressed his lips back against his own and kissed back this time. Instead of nearly fainting like a pathetic teenager. And he felt better than he ever had before. Kissing Eddie was like getting a shot of serotonin straight to the heart, momentarily making him forget about what he almost did.
Eddie smiled into the kiss. He felt better, like a weight was lifted off his chest. Buck was safe, in his arms, and he knew- or was at least specifically told- that he was loved. That Eddie loved him so much.
"I love you." Buck mumbled, pulling away just enough to get the words out.
Eddie couldn't help it, his smile widened when Buck put his feelings into words and finally confirmed what Eddie knew. "I love you." Eddie replied, resting his forehead against Buck's. "Always."
"Always.