Chapter Text
“Oh thank you Blackwall!” Leliana exclaimed, a huge smile on her face when she opened the door. She was dressed in a floor length, royal blue gown that perfectly accented her red hair. With all the bows and ribbons in her hair, Blackwall was sure she was on her way out to somewhere important. What he wasn’t sure about was what he was doing there.
“What’s happened? All you all right?” he inquired slightly confused and out of breath. “You don’t look like you’re in any sort of peril. At least not any that I could help you with.”
“Of course I’m all right,” she giggled. “Although I did get myself into quite a predicament trying to get this gown zipped up in the back, but as you can see, I managed that one okay. I am headed to the grand gala that Lady Grace Farthington is throwing. It should be a very interesting affair. Everyone who is anyone received an invitation.”
“That’s.. good to know?” he said, slightly perplexed. “So what did …”
“I was so worried when Varric said he had to leave Orlais tonight and could no longer help,” she interrupted. “I thought I would have to miss it. I should know better than to second guess Varric. If he says he will find a replacement, he will find one.”
“A replacement for what?” Blackwall inquired.
“Why, nugsitting of course,” Leliana replied with a giggle. “Didn’t Varric tell you?”
“Nugwhat?!” he sputtered.
“And here they are,” she said, her voice beaming with pride as she lead him to the kitchen, seemingly unaware of the confused look on his face. “The pretty one with a bow is Boulette and the pudgy one over there is Schmooples II. And these little darlings,” she pointed to two tiny nugs asleep in the corner, “are Schmooples III and Schmooples IV. I call them Three and Four. Aren’t they delightful?”
“I’m sure they are, but I …,” Blackwall tried to protest.
“Just remember to have them in bed no later than an hour after sundown. I have their dinner in the pantry. Schmooples II will try to convince you to give him extra, but just tell him no. Even if he whines about it. Boulette like her paws rubbed after dinner and the babies need a lullaby before bedtime. You know a few songs, don’t you?”
Blackwall stared at her with a blank expression. “I am going to kill Varric, ” he thought. He pulled a crumpled note out of his pocked that just said:
Blackwall (or Thom if you prefer),
Leliana’s having a bit of an emergency and I am no longer in this part of Orlais. She requires your immediate assistance. Please do not delay.
Ever Yours,
Varric
Viscount of Kirkwall (or some such shit)
Blackwall held up the note and tried to get her attention.
“Oh yes,” she smiled. “I'm glad Varric wrote it down. Three had a bit of a cold this week, so please give him his medicine before bed.” She turned towards the baby nug in the corner. “We don’t want to have that nasty cough all week, do we?”
“But I …,” Blackwall tried one last time.
“I’ll be back before sunrise. Thank you so much!” she shouted as she dashed out the door to where a small horse-drawn carriage awaited her.
Blackwall stood there, in full armor with his sword, staring at the nugs. Schmooples II looked back at him with a mischievous grin. This is not exactly how he planned to spend his Friday night.
“All right, you little rodents,” he said sternly. “It looks like we’re stuck with each other, so let’s just make a nice, quiet night of it.”
Realizing he had no need for his sword or breastplate, he took them off. Leliana wouldn’t be back for hours, and he figured he might as well be comfortable. He walked into the kitchen, opened the pantry and fed the nugs. Before leaving the room, he examined some bottles of ale and decided to pour himself a rather large tankard from a bottle marked "Extra Potent". As he drank, he could feel it going to his head faster than anticipated.
“This must be the good stuff,” he muttered to himself. Before he knew it, he was feeling pretty happy and the irritation about his situation began melt away. He sat down on a chair clutching his tankard and set the rest of the bottle down on the nearby table. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, when he felt something scratching on his leg. He looked down to see Schmooples II pawing at him.
“Yer a bold one, aren’t you?” he asked. “Well, don’t come begging me for food. Your mum said no.”
Schmooples II made a squealing noise and scampered off in a huff.
Blackwall had nearly drained his second tankard when he heard a knock at the door. He was quite unsteady on his feet and realized he may have had one too many. He took a deep breath, staggered to the door and opened it. Krem was standing there, sweating and out of breath.
“Blackwall?” he said puffing. “What are you doing here?”
“Krem!” he shouted loudly, pulling him into a hug. “How are you doing? Did you get a note from Varric too?”
Blackwall hiccuped.
“Varric? What? No!” he said, sounding confused. “There’s an emergency and I need Leliana’s help. Is she here?”
“Ah, what seems to be the emer ... emergensh ... um, problem?” he slurred. “Who needs looking after this time? Yaks? Wyverns? A fucking dragon perhaps? Well, why not? I’m a professshonal now.” He puffed out his chest with pride. The stench of his breath was impossible to miss.
“No, you’re drunk!” Krem exclaimed.
“Nahh. Well … Jusssht ... a teenshy bit,” Blackwall held his thumb and index finger up to show him how much. “Ssshorry to report, but no one here but us nugs. Nugssshitting. Such a noble profes ... profess … uh, job.”
Krem put his head in his hands. “That is just great! The Chief and the Chargers are in trouble, Leliana’s nowhere to be seen and all I can find is a drunken idiot and his 3 nugs.”
“Four,” Blackwall said firmly.
“Excuse me?” asked Krem.
“There ... are ... FOUR … nugs!” Blackwall shouted, trying to count on his fingers.
“Bloody hell,” Krem groaned. “Do you at least know where I can find her? I’m running out of time.”
“At the manor of ssshome high and mighty Lord, I’d wager,” Blackwall answered. “Lord and Lady Fa ... Far ... Farfegnugen or ssshomething like that.”
“Fine then. You’ll have to do,” Krem growled “Come with me. You can sober up on the way there.”
“Ssshorry, can’t.” Blackwall pointed his thumb over his shoulder. “Nugssshitting.” A wide grin appeared on his face.
“Are you serious?” Krem said. “Do nugs really need a babysitter?”
“Nugssshitter!” Blackwall stated emphatically.
“Andraste’s flaming arse, Blackwall.” Krem sighed under his breath. “Surely you can leave them here alone for a few hours.”
“Hey, when the fucking ssshpymaster asks you to watch her damn nugs, you watch her damn nugs,” Blackwall exclaimed.
Krem watched in silence as Blackwall raised a fist, chuckled and said “Damn you nugs!”
“Are you quite finished now?” Krem asked.
“Bessshides, how much trouble can that big oaf get into anyway?” Blackwall asked.
“You really don’t know the Chief all that well, do you?” Krem replied. He sighed and explained. “We got a job to escort a wealthy merchant due to bandits in the area. We fought off an attack, got the merchant to his destination, received our pay and decided to spend part of it at the local tavern. I had a quick errand to run, so I told everyone I’d meet them there.”
“Oooh! What kind of errand?” Blackwall asked.
“Look, it doesn’t matter.” Krem sputtered. “I was about 20 minutes behind in getting to the tavern. I walked in to see most of the Chargers passed out at the table and a very inebriated Iron Bull being dragged up the stairs by two women.”
“Ha! Good for him,” Blackwall said. “What exactly is the problem?”
“No way you get the Chief and the Chargers that drunk that quickly,” Krem answered. “Besides, I barely made it past the door when someone attacked me. I fought them off and ran. Too many to take care of on my own when they have my friends as hostages. I figured Leliana could send some of her people in and get everyone out safely.” Krem took a deep breath. “But as it turns out, I’ll have to go with Plan B.”
“Plan B? Blackwall! Blackwall starts with B,” he exclaimed proudly.
“Yes, yes it does.” Krem put his hand over his eyes. “Plan B is we sneak our way in, rescue everyone, kill some bad guys and get out. Provided we can sober you up first. So hurry up and get your stuff. I’m not sure how much time we have, but I suspect it isn’t long.”
Blackwall sighed and started picking up nugs. “All right, let’s go. There’s a leash by the door.”
“Leave the nugs here,” Krem demanded.
“No way. I am not going to leave them here.” He picked up Schmooples II and stared him right in the face. “This little blighter will definitely get into trouble.” Schmooples II bit him on the nose.
“Ouch!” Blackwall dropped him to the ground and rubbed his nose.
“Fine, but keep them out of the way.” Krem warned.
Scooping up the rest of the nugs, and putting Schmooples II on the leash, Blackwall followed Krem out the door.