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Jason didn't like asking Batman for help.
He would rather cut off his arm than admit that he needed the old man.
Unfortunately for him, Black Mask and Circe had teamed up, which meant he needed extra reinforcements.
And still, unfortunately for him, Batman agreed all too quickly to help (not to make Jason feel in debt but because, shock, he loved him, urgh) and ended up in situations where he shouldn't have ended.
Like, sacrificing himself like an idiot to protect Jason from a spell from Circe and being turned into a cat.
A fluffy black cat with attitude problems, and who had almost gouged out Black Mask's eyes – for that alone, Cat Bruce was his favourite.
Unfortunately, Bruce could not remain a cat forever, and he and Nightwing had to take him to The Watchtower, where Zatanna would return his opposable thumbs.
"Of course you're here," Jason commented, seeing that, in addition to Zatanna, there was also Superman.
Superman looked at him askance, "Tonight, it was my turn to watch. I received your request for Zatanna, and I went to her"
"Weren't you already here?" Dick asked, surprised.
"I was with John for... business," she said blandly. Business could mean so many things when John Constantine was involved. Business could have been unbridled sex interrupted by the sudden arrival of Superman, or ah yes, we were cheating at a game of cards with Death, Satan and Abaddon, nothing special.
Before Jason could comment, Dick chimed in, "How about we fix the problem at hand right away and get Bruce human again? Huh? I don't want Damian to think about having another pet."
"God saves us from the snotty demon and his army of ninja animals," Jason muttered, only half-joking. Damian was perfectly capable of training his animals to be a perfect army.
He just lacked the motivation to do it.
Zatanna, fortunately, immediately set to work.
She laid Bruce down on the floor, taking him out of Dick's arms, and pulled out a grimoire he had never seen before, and whose symbols on the cover were downright demonic.
Ah, that's what business she had with Constantine...
It took a few hours before Zatanna found the right spell and turned Bruce back into a human, in a glory of sulphurous smoke and some lightning indoors.
All nice, right?
Yeah... too bad Bruce was completely naked (Christ, his eyes, his eyes!) and had no human modesty.
Bruce stretched, in all his human glory, in front of Superman, who was staring at him as if he had a damn dessert in front of him, and hell no.
"Yeah yeah, congratulations, you put on a show!" Jason blurted out, grabbing his leather jacket and placing it on Bruce's shoulders. He cursed himself that the damn jacket was still too short. "Now we're going home!"
"Why?" the man asked, his eyes still inhuman, feline. "I can manage the mission report from here. It won't take long."
"Why?" Dick croaked, feeling on the verge of a nervous breakdown. "Oh, I don't know, maybe because you're not in a position to be around anyone? You're naked, Bruce."
"So?" Bruce replied, using one hand to lick himself, Christ, and pass it over his cheek. Definitely, his manners were still too cat-like. Jason gave Zatanna a dirty look, "You said the spell would fix everything!"
Zatanna, however, did not answer. She too was too busy staring at the ... mhm... Wayne package. God, Jason needed bleach to erase that mental image.
"Zatanna!" Dick repeated, and the sorceress finally seemed to remember that she was not alone. She coughed, slightly red, "It looks like a side effect. Nothing to worry about, really. It will return to normal..."
Bruce was trying to take off his jacket. Jason had to force it back on her, "When?! Zatanna, when?!"
"After... two days... maybe..."
"Maybe? Shall we keep him naked so that he goes around?"
"What's the problem?" Bruce asked, sounding really surprised, if public nudity was not allowed. Jason didn't doubt that many in Gotham — fuck it, even lesbians — would be happy to see him the way Mother Nature had made him. Fuck, most of the Rogues would have organised an escape from Arkham just to have tickets in the front row. And don't let it start if the Joker had known that Batman had decided on such a radical change of look.
Like hell that he will let that clown get close to Bruce.
"Oh, maybe because everyone will see you that way? What do you say?"
At that, Superman frowned, "No, that... that's a problem..."
Of course, it was a problem for him. There would have been too large an audience. And he wanted to be the only one to enjoy the show. Jason shuddered. Not even the good guys from Kansas were to be trusted.
"Oh, shut up, Big Blue. Put the jealous stalker trends aside!"
The Kryptonian blushed, "I'm not a stalker."
"But you're jealous, huh?"
"I..."
"He shouldn't," Bruce said, approaching Superman and licking his cheek. They all looked at him with wide eyes, and Superman himself seemed on the verge of flying into the stratosphere.
"Hey... Cats lick their kittens, right?"
"He didn't lick me," Dick shuddered as he said.
"Maybe we should bring Damian to him and see what he does..."
"Damian would kill you and then Bruce."
"Why? Doesn't he like to be treated like a cute kitten?" Jason almost laughed at the image of Damian all agitated and angry, just like a kitten. Well, like father, like son, right?
"No, because it would be damn weird... moreover, cats don't just do it with kittens..."
"He's kissing him, Dick," Zatanna said, Jason wasn't sure if she was jealous or if he was going to laugh, "Call him by his name. Those are cat kisses. Bruce totally has his own type."
"He's still fucking confused! He is not able to decide anything!" Jason protested, and the sorceress made a vague gesture with her hand, "Then go tell him. It looks like he wants to continue with his kissing session."
It was true, Bruce seemed quite involved in continuing to lick Superman's face, and that alien bastard let him do it!
Bruce was about to lose the minimum of dignity that his clothes gave him again, and Jason had to intervene to prevent anyone from taking advantage of it. Yes, Superman, he was talking about you, you dirty old zoophile.
"Okay, that was nice, but we have to go home," he said, pulling Bruce away from Superman, and ignoring the other man's moans of sorrow, "You've got to take a long vacation."
"I'm fine," Bruce replied, in his usual know-it-all tone. Jason would have been inclined to believe him otherwise, but he had just seen him mistake Superman's face for ice cream, and he won't take any chances.
Bruce will eventually thank him, pretending it never happened and returning to repress his decades-long attraction to the alien like a champion. Superman... better not to think about him, otherwise Jason would have started shooting.
"We go... and you're not invited," Jason added, pointing his finger at Superman, "Don't try to visit him at his window, Romeo. You won't find the moon or Juliet, but 22mm kryptonite bullets."
"I want Clark to come to my window," Bruce said without filters, causing both Dick and Jason to vomit.
"No, you don't want Clark to come... uhm... You don't want to see him."
"Why not? He is mine."
Superman seemed to have touched the sky with his finger, and Jason was tired of that old shit.
"Say it when you're sane. Then maybe you can fuck Big Blue..."
"Jason!"
"Oh, as if he had the balls to do it!" Jason blurted out, sure of what he was saying. Bruce had his head stuck too deep to admit anything, and Clark would never take the first step.
All normal, same old story. What was it enough for one to be transformed into an animal to solve decades of yearning?
Tsk, what idiocy.
(Spoiler: apparently, losing inhibitions and human modesty was a good start to solving years of yearning. Fuck you, Black Mask. It's your fault.)