Work Text:
Chisa was on a mission. Literally.
She knew she couldn't stand it any longer. Sure, she was a bit slower than others when it came to romantic matters, but she wasn't stupid. And she did her research. A lot of it, in fact.
She spent weeks borrowing and hiding romance novels from others, especially Lynae, who was the focus of her troubles. The first time she went to the academy library, she was genuinely surprised by the number of books available in that category on campus. However, she understood why others might want to reach for them.
From then on, many of her nights ended with her curled up in bed, nose buried in a book, until her tired eyes won over her mind, desperate for answers and solutions, and she fell asleep, letting the book fall to the floor in her sleep. Because of this, it was currently difficult for her to hide the fact that something was wrong, and when her grades dropped (just a little, but since Chisa's were always perfect, questions started to arise), she knew she had to finally take some action.
After much consideration, she decided the easiest way would be to tell the blonde what was going on in her head. While she was terrified of potentially losing her friend, she realistically realized she couldn't act normally around Lynae anyway; sooner or later, everything would be ruined. A simple calculation showed her that there were more gains than losses possible. So she moved on to the second step – she had to prepare a plan of action.
She sprawled on the couch in her newly assigned dorm room. She already gathered all the books she'd chosen from her “recently read” list and deemed them good enough. While she'd read many, some were, to say the least, inappropriate. Chisa blushed, thinking of the scandalous descriptions and scenes. She couldn't learn anything from them about her problems with Lynae. At least not yet.
She picked up her pink notebook and thought. Lynae would probably appreciate something exciting and original, like herself, but Chisa wasn't sure if that was her style. She wouldn't feel like herself, and with Lynae, she wouldn't want to be anyone else. Perhaps a classic approach? Spontaneity? A grand, romantic gesture? Well, that could be problematic if Lynae didn't reciprocate her feelings. Chisa sighed heavily. This was much harder than she thought.
She rolled over, lying on her stomach, throwing off several books as she reached for one from the table instead. The cover depicted a couple making out on the beach. Chisa's heart fluttered in awe. She opened it, leafing through it until she reached a dramatic scene of a love confession. The couple argued in the rain, finally pouring out their frustrations in a heated kiss. The thought flashed through Chisa's mind that maybe she should argue with Lynae in a similar way, but she quickly dismissed it, along with the book, to move on to the next one.
She spent another night on it, but nothing seemed right, and eventually even the ever stoic Chisa was losing her patience. She decided she didn't care anymore and would do it simply and directly. Unfortunately, when the time came, she wasn't so sure anymore, her earlier bravery all gone.
She and Lynae were sitting in their favorite spot after classes, as they always did. Chisa was fiddling with the hem of her uniform skirt, glancing at the blonde every now and then until she finally noticed. She looked at her friend, frowning and pouting her lips dramatically.
“What is it? Did I do something? Are you angry with me?” And Chisa couldn't believe how wrong she was. She sighed, her heart pounding against her ribs.
“No, I'm sorry. I just…” She hesitated. And when Lynae leaned toward her, concern pouring from every cell in her body, she couldn't hold back any longer. She didn't want to plan or worry; she simply wanted to pull the girl closer and convey her feelings more clearly. In a way she couldn't possibly misinterpret. She placed her hands on Lynae's cheeks and moved closer. She felt like she barely, barely managed to brush her lips against the girl's before Lynae pushed her away, a little too roughly and quickly, and stood up.
"I'm sorry," she said, as if frightened by her own violent reaction. "I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. But... don't do it again, okay? I can't. You can't." She turned away, her shoulders tense as Chisa flushed with humiliation, her face returning to its usual stoic expression. She didn't speak. She hadn't expected anything like this. She thought she figured Lynae out, had dissected her and their relationship. But she was wrong. She was stupid. In that moment, she was grateful that the blonde's face was blurring in front of her as usual. She didn't know if she'd be able to look into her eyes and see the expression on her face. Was it disgust? Anger? She didn't want to know.
“I'm sorry,” she said quietly, also standing up. They stood in silence for a moment as Chisa's heart slowly squeezed tighter and tighter in her chest. Gradually, it dawned on her what she had done and what she was about to lose. She clutched her skirt. She didn't want to be alone. Not again. But she wasn't going to cry. She never cried, right? For better or worse. “Can we go back now? Classes start early tomorrow.”
Lynae tried to smile until she realized she didn't have to. Chisa wouldn't see her pathetic efforts anyway. “Sure.”
_________________________________________________________________________
The following days were hard. Lynae no longer looked for her after class, didn't come to her room in the mornings to go there together, and when they were there, their interactions were limited to questions about the topic at hand or an awkward, “Can I borrow your pencil?” And Chisa couldn't stand it; each such interaction wore her down further and made her retreat deeper into her innermost self.
In the meanwhile other students stopped inviting her to various after school activities. It wasn't that they stopped liking her - no, her peers were still nice to her, and she couldn't complain about that - but she usually only got invited because she happened to be with Lynae at that moment. Without Lynae, of course, she wasn't important, nor did she look like she wanted to be talked to. So she spent her time alone. She appreciated the fact that at least no one was bothering her with cruel teasing. She could handle the rest. Or so she thought.
One day, as she was on her way to class, she noticed Lynae on the side of the road, surrounded by students from her year (and those above her. Few could resist her friendly energy). It wasn't unusual, but Chisa stopped abruptly when she heard her name. She was good at blending in, so she stayed. And she listened. Later, she realized she shouldn't have, and it had been a stupid decision. Apparently she couldn't stop making such.
"So what happened between you two?" a blue-haired girl asked Lynae. Chisa recognized her from math class. "Ever since she arrived, you've been together everywhere. And then suddenly..."
"Oh, nothing!" Lynae rushed to answer, shrugging nonchalantly. "It's just... someone had to introduce her to the new environment and all those stupid rules, right?" She laughed in her usual way; the others followed suit, and Chisa's heart sank in her chest.
Of course.
How could she think someone was spending time with her just because they wanted her around?
She should have known better.
At worst, she was a monster, and at best, it seemed, a nobody.
She started moving again and walked past the laughing group, not stopping for a moment.
Perhaps if she hadn't been so absorbed in trying to stay afloat, she would have felt someone's gaze following her to the door.
_____________________________________________________________________
Had this unfortunate encounter with reality broken her fragile heart? No. Perhaps. Absolutely.
But she told herself it was nothing. She was used to being alone, wasn't she? At least now she didn't have to worry about all these new feelings and the difficulties that came with them. She could only do what she had to and nothing more. Even if now, after meeting the energetic blonde, the silence was starting to feel strange.
She also stopped going on trips after classes. Sure, she had her own bike, but she hated driving it, even before this whole situation, so she accompanied the blonde on hers. And now… well, she didn't need to. And it reminded her too much of their pleasant moments together before she ruined everything. Instead, she sat on the wide windowsill, with a large window looking out over the fields beyond the academy grounds, and spent her evenings with the lights off, gazing at the stars or reading books by a small, warm lamp after the world had long since fallen asleep.
Just like now. She put aside the novel she'd been reading a while ago already. During the day, she somehow managed to push all her feelings aside, but at night, as she sat there staring up at the night sky, it wasn't so easy. She wanted to cry, to scream, and wished she could go back in time to stop her past self from making that huge mistake.
"She doesn't like you," she would have screamed into her own naive face, shaking her shoulders if she could. "You're nothing special, what were you thinking?"
But all she could do was finally let it go. If Lynae didn't care, why should she? Pathetic. It didn't help much, though, and the surrounding night creatures who could see her from outside through that damned large window were probably, at the very least, embarrassed by the sight of her wiping away tears alone in the middle of the night. As was she herself.
This state of things had lasted a long time, far too long, about two months. Chisa didn't know it, but it was driving not only her mad, but Lynae as well. The blonde regretted her reaction every day and obsessed with how many other, better ways she could have handled it. She could have, but she didn't. She knew she'd hurt Chisa, though she'd tried hard to convince herself it was for Chisa’s own good. After all, her secrets would have hurt her more than a gentle rejection.
Lynae liked Chisa, but Chisa didn't like her. No, she liked the version of Lynae she'd chosen to show her. Of course, Chisa wasn't to blame. It wasn't her fault that Lynae had been too much of a coward to tell her the truth about her past. And then it was too late. She felt like she had used and deceived Chisa, pretending to be someone she wasn't and could never be, not really. She was disgusted with herself and hated herself for not stopping it all when she had the time. But she let it continue because she was selfish, wanting to be by Chisa's side for as long as possible.
Of course she wanted to tell her. She wanted to be honest with her from the start, and then the feeling only intensified as she inevitably fell in love with her. But she couldn't. She didn't want to scare the girl; she cared too much about her. And now she lost everything, and Chisa was suffering. She would never forgive herself for that.
She didn't want to go back to the places they had visited together, and she knew Chisa hadn't either since they stopped talking. How did she know? ... next question.
But one day, when she missed her especially, she went there alone after class, planning to wallow in self-pity until morning. Imagine her surprise when the black-haired girl was already there. Lynae didn't believe in any special connections and strings, but…
She instinctively wanted to back away, jump on her bike, and escape, but it was too late, and Chisa had noticed her. A tense silence enveloped them, just like that fateful day.
Chisa recovered first. She rose stiffly from the ground. "I'm sorry, this is your place. I'll go now, don't worry about me," but as she quickly passed Lynae, the blonde grabbed her arm. As Chisa turned around uncertainly, Lynae couldn't control her rapidly beating heart and trembling hands. She stared into Chisa's round eyes, trying to memorize every tiny difference in shade and get her full of it, even though she knew she could never get enough, even if she stared like that forever. Finally, she cleared her throat. "Wait. Can we talk?"
Chisa bit her lip and looked down. "Don't apologize to me, you didn't do anything wrong. It was my mistake, I misinterpreted the situation, and..."
"No." Lynae denied firmly. “Not at all. Just hear me out.” She took a deep breath. It was now or never. “I like you. I'm in love with you, strictly speaking. I didn't push you away because it's different. No. It's just… you don't know me, not really.” Chisa's face twisted in slight offense. Seeing this, Lynae began to explain even faster in panic, until her words blended together and were completely incomprehensible. This time, Chisa stopped her.
“Slowly. Take a breath and explain again,” she asked, and Lynae obeyed immediately. God, she couldn't resist this girl, and she knew perfectly well she would do anything she asked. So she took a breath and told her everything.
Afterward, Chisa's expression barely changed, save for a slightly raised eyebrow. “So? That's it?” And Lynae's jaw dropped. She jumped to her feet.
“‘That’s it?’” she repeated, gesturing vividly. “Didn’t you hear what I said? I’m a monster.”
“Well, supposedly so am I, so I guess we’re a good match, huh?” Chisa tilted her head. Lynae shook hers from side to side.
“You don’t understand,” she whispered, staring at the toes of her shoes, her eyes filling with tears. “I’ve killed people, Chisa. A lot. I’ve done bad things, and you don’t take me seriously, and I-”
Chisa interrupted her, pulling her into an embrace. She stroked Lynae’s tangled, long hair. “Of course I do take you seriously. And you have no idea how glad I am that you finally let it out.” She pulled back to look at her. “But I don’t care. You’re not a bad person, you want to change. And I want you. With or without your past. How could you ever think otherwise?” The usually stoic Chisa was now losing the battle with her emotions and began to sob along with the other. "Why did you leave me? Why?" she pushed her away gently, just to immediately hug her again, and Lynae's heart swelled in her chest as she rubbed her tear-stained cheek against the girl's. She hugged her tightly back.
"I'm sorry. Can everything be okay between us now? I miss you," Lynae mumbled miserably, resting her chin on Chisa's shoulder. Chisa chuckled softly. "Of course. I missed you too."
A new twinkle appeared in Lynae's eye. She wiped her tears with her sleeve and looked at her with a smug smile. "Oh, yes? How much?" she asked, pulling away gently and placing her hands on Chisa's hips, which made Chisa shiver, but not in a negative way. She felt her lower abdomen begin to ache in a terribly strange way. Before she could respond, or even calm down enough to form a single thought, Lynae had already turned her around and pressed her body against the bike, not hard, but enough to keep her there. She leaned towards her, her gaze traveling from her eyes to her lips and back again. "No, don't tell me. I learn better through experience." And then, finally, she crushed the other's lips with hers.
Chisa, of course, had no experience whatsoever, and Lynae likely didn't either (or at least she hoped so), so at first she wasn't quite sure what to do, but she quickly stopped worrying, her mind more preoccupied with the pleasurable sensations and the desire for more. She moaned softly as Lynae pressed her body harder against hers, kissing back as skillfully as she could.
Lynae, in turn, alternately nibbled, bit, and licked Chisa’s lips with an almost admirable hunger. The way she pressed her body against hers, she almost looked as if she wanted to melt into one, wanting to be as close to her heart as possible after weeks of separation.
Finally, she grew bolder, gazing with satisfaction at the thread of saliva hanging between them and Chisa's flushed face, listening to their similarly rapid breathing. She placed a hand on Chisa's thigh, moving higher, watching her now-lover's face carefully for any sign of hesitation as she leaned a little too far, and their combined weight tipped the bike over, sending them crashing down with loud squeals.
Chisa groaned in pain as they fell onto the now-flat bike on the grass, the handle digging into her back, and Lynae's weight on top of her only made it worse. They rolled onto the grass beside it, laying on their backs, staring up and gaining a moment to catch a breath and possibly calm down from all the today’s events.
Chisa turned her head to the side only to see Lynae already staring at her. She moved closer and found her hand on the grass, intertwining their fingers. This time, she didn't need to see Lynae's face to be sure she was currently breaking into a huge smile.