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When Steve was little, he loved wearing soft, brightly colored sweaters, overalls, and putting pins he’d found in his mom’s jewelry box in his fluffy hair.
His dad said he couldn’t wear the pins around his mom because she wouldn’t understand. Steve wasn’t sure what there was to understand- they just looked pretty and made his hair sparkle- but he’d already learned by that point that his dad knew best how to stop his mom from screaming and getting into one of her moods. The moods where his dad had to step in the way of her hitting or throwing something at him. He knew if he didn’t listen, she’d get mad and take it out on Steve’s dad because Steve’s dad always stopped her before she could do anything to Steve.
Steve just wished his dad could be home more. That he didn’t have to go on so many trips with his mom. That he didn’t have to stand on the little stool his dad had bought him to put by the phone so that his dad could call him every night. He liked the calls- his dad would ask him about his day, congratulate him on doing well and making friends, and tell Steve “your dad loves you, no matter what”- but he wished his dad was home.
He wished he could have clips in his hair around his mom too, but he could settle for just having his dad.
~~~🌻🔆🌻~~~
When Steve started elementary school, he was made fun of for his clothes for the first time. He wasn’t even wearing his hair clips- his dad had bought him his own for a birthday present and given them to him in his room after the party so he wouldn’t have to keep taking his mom’s- so he didn’t understand at first why people were being so mean.
“Those kinds of clothes are for babies and girls, Steve,” his friend, Tommy Hagan, lisped through missing teeth when he’d said something about it.
Steve felt his shoulders curl inward, looking down at his white sneakers his dad had covered in painted sunflowers. Dad had said not to wear his sweaters, overalls, or special shoes around his mom anymore, but he hadn’t said it wouldn’t be okay at school. School was supposed to be safe. There were teachers there and dad said teachers were meant to stop bullies.
When Steve got home the phone light was blinking, so he went over, climbed onto the stool, and pressed the button like his dad had shown him.
‘Hey kiddo, your mom got called in for a work meeting earlier and I’m stuck at work for a few more hours. I’ll try to get home around 30 minutes after you usually do. Love you- no matter what.’
Steve could feel his lower lip begin to wobble, but the ‘no matter what’ made him smile weakly through it. His dad never forgot to tell him that. He’d have to make sure his dad knew Steve loved him too when he got back.
While he waited, he shoved all of his favorite clothes into the back of his closet. He took his special shoes into his room even though his mom’s ‘shoes belong in the closet downstairs, Stephen’ was ringing in his ears. He placed them on top of the pile as carefully as he could, moving super slow cause that’s how he was supposed to be to be careful.
Steve felt tears welling up in his eyes again at the sight of his special shoes all alone at the back of his dark, dark closet.
Sunflowers were supposed to face the light.
~~~🌻🔆🌻~~~
In high school, Steve started wearing rugby shirts, polos, and jeans. He started using hairspray and put in contacts instead of wearing his square framed glasses. The clothes itch and feel like they hug and cling to his body wrong, his hair feels stiff and greasy at the same time, and his eyes sting no matter what his eye doctor tries, but at least no one’s scoffing at his style anymore. Unless they’re someone like Munson. He tries to ignore his envy toward the other boy and how much his standing-on-the-lunch-table rants about conformity hurt. The other boy is just so him. He takes up space and makes everyone know who he is. He shines like the sun and Steve feels an ache in his chest, wishing he was still a sunflower that could face it. Instead, he turns around and pretends his own hands are covering his ears.
He’s King Steve. Steve “the hair” Harrington. He can put up with and ignore some stifling clothes and crunchy hair if it means no one makes negative comments on his appearance anymore. Sure, he feels like he’s choking from the collared necklines of his rugby shirts and polos, but people say he looks good. He doesn’t have to sprint upstairs to change when his dad lets him know his mom is coming home- the few times she visits in a year.
He can exist without worrying, so it doesn’t matter that sometimes he catches a glimpse of himself in the hall mirror and has to look away because of the hatred and revolution he sees in his own eyes.
~~~🌻🔆🌻~~~
Working at Scoops Ahoy was… weird. There was a uniform, so Steve didn’t have to worry about wearing the wrong thing where his coworker Robin, or, god, the kids, would see. But he hated the stupid hat. He’d just gotten the courage to try to use a little less product on his hair and let it grow out a little (‘Nice hair requires effort, Steven. Don’t be like your father and look sloppy.’ Steve had always liked his dad’s slight waves), and now it felt kinda ruined.
The outfit was fine. At least it wasn’t choking him. He didn’t understand why he and Robin had to have different ones though.
Munson would come in sometimes with his friends and Steve had to stop himself from staring. From wishing.
Then the Russians happened and Steve didn’t care what he was wearing, he just knew everything hurt and the bathroom floor was cold and he could tell Robin was rejecting him. But then he said, mind moving slowly through the drugs, “but Tammy Thompson's a girl,” and she said his name and then just looked at him.
“Oh.” He could feel his mind flatlining.
“Oh.” She said back. He could see the panic in her eyes but he didn’t know what to say.
“I think of Eddie Munson as the sun,” he blurts out, unable to look in her direction.
He can feel his eyes on him. Then the door slams open and they’re running for their lives again.
~~~🌻🔆🌻~~~
The feeling gets worse when the kids become friends with Munson. He picks them up from their club, tugging on his sweater collar- it’s okay cause it’s a men’s sweater and it’s a dark color- and trying to block out how unique and special they rave about the other boy being. They wouldn’t like Steve’s kind of special. The kind that doesn’t have anything to do with the color black and skulls and metal.
Eddie is animated and shines in Steve’s eyes- even when they’re in the Upside Down. He walks next to Steve, bumping his shoulder, and rambles about metal and bats or something. Steve just likes the sound of his voice and the feel of the other man’s vest on his own shoulders.
The vest’s denim but worn in. It doesn’t scratch the way the jeans Steve’s mom buys him do. Though, he hasn’t seen her since the whole Upside Down thing started. He’s lucky his dad’s been able to visit the time’s he’s gotten hurt- despite it being hard to explain everything outside of the mall ‘fire.’
When they’re out and all alive, and Eddie and Max have finally made it out of the hospital, Steve finds himself living in a constant state of what Robin refers to as “too much photosynthesizing for his little bi heart.” He just thinks Eddie needs to stop literally hanging off of him so much. It’s distracting and makes his stomach go in knots.
While his dad’s home for the week after Hawkin’s is opened back up, flitting around Steve like a nervous mother hen during the time he’s home and not doing the same to the kids, he has to leave a week later. Another business trip that his mom’s already gone on- she hadn’t felt the need to check on Steve when his dad ‘had it handled.’
Before he leaves though, Steve’s dad buys him a bunch of new sweaters- the same kind with the too tight neck and the boring colors, but Steve smiles and thanks him.
Then his dad looks nervous.
He holds out one last box- a shoe box.
The shoes inside are white with sunflowers painted on them.
They fit perfectly.
~~~🌻🔆🌻~~~
Steve squirrels his new shoes away in the back of his closet along with the pair from elementary school. He can’t let anyone ruin these for him. Not this time. Sunflowers can be pretty without the sun, he tells himself.
But then he realizes something. It’s a normal day, with the party gathered around him for a movie night, Robin's head is in his lap and Eddie's arm around his shoulder. And he realizes that it doesn't matter.
They've all fought what were basically demons. Who was going to care what he wears? It’s not like he’s going on dates anymore- not with his hopeless crush on Eddie.
Eddie. What would he think? Would he make fun of Steve?
He shakes his head. That’s not for right now. That’s something to panic about to Robin later.
Steve doesn’t notice Eddie’s concerned look aimed in his direction, but he does notice when Eddie’s the last one left- all the kids taken home by their siblings or carpooling and Robin on her bike with a meaningful look cast in both their directions.
Steve looks between Eddie and the now closed door, feeling confusion and concern rising into his throat.
Eddie sighs heavily, running a hand through his hair, making his bangs stand up a little on the right side, “Stevie- Steve. I need to talk to you about something.”
Steve felt like his stomach had been filled with lead. He bit his lip and put his hands in his- scratchy, bad- jean pockets to keep them from trembling.
Eddie wasn’t looking at him, still staring off to the side. Steve wanted to reach over and pat his bangs down, run his fingers through them.
“I haven’t been completely honest,” that got Steve’s attention. He stared at Eddie. Eddie glanced up at him, “I- I like guys. I like one specific guy. But I don’t want you to think I’ve had ulterior motives.”
Steve swallowed, his mouth felt dry and his heart sunk further in his chest.
“I didn’t become friends with you just because I wanted to end up dating you, I promise, I just-”
“Wait, you like me?” Steve burst out, eyes wide, staring at Eddie so hard he didn’t want to blink, wanting to read every micro expression, catch any hint of doubt.
Eddie seemed startled at the interruption, “I mean? Yes? Robin told me I was so obvious it was painful so I assumed…” Something seemed to dawn on him and he slapped his hand against his face.
Steve ignored him, moving quickly to stand just in front of him- his socked toes touching the tip of Eddie’s boots- and pulled Eddie’s hand away from his face, leaning in to meet his eyes.
“Steve, you’re kinda freaking me out-” Eddie’s face was flushed pink.
“Can I kiss you?” Steve interrupted again, hope swelling up.
Eddie answered him by dropping his panicked look, smiling softly as he wrapped an arm around Steve’s waist, pulling him in.
Their lips met so softly it made Steve melt. He cupped Eddie’s face- his own personal sunshine- in both hands and kissed the other boy back with everything he had in his heart.
~~~🌻🔆🌻~~~
It takes a couple months to actually work up the courage, but eventually Steve goes shopping. He’s not sure what he wants to get, but he knows he can’t stand these rough, stifling clothes anymore. His mom hasn’t visited, he already has a boyfriend, and their friends have been through so much that what he wears shouldn’t be an issue.
He still can't get himself to go anywhere in Hawkins, but he drives to Indy by himself. This feels like something that just needs to be a him thing- maybe he can bring Eddie and Robin next time.
Steve finds a store that looks welcoming enough and parks in front of it. Trying not to make eye contact with the middle aged woman at the register, he hurries to the back, not even paying attention to what he’s headed towards. He ends up picking out all the sweaters he can find in his size- from the women's section this time, they’re way softer and he tells himself it’s okay, trying to keep his breaths even- before he catches sight of something that stops him in his tracks.
A pair of overalls. He bites his lip, unable to look away. Walking over, he feels like he should be holding his breath when he grabs the tag- flipping it over to check the size. They should fit exactly right. The only pair of overalls in the whole store should be his exact size (he’d measured before coming- asked as vaguely as he could at the stores in Hawkins, trying to make it sound like they were going to be for someone else- hoping against all hope that he’d somehow stumble across a pair). He breaths out slowly, carefully adding them to the pile in his arms.
He goes to the changing room and tries on the first sweater- a yellow one, like the one he had as a kid- and his shoulders instantly feel looser at the feel of the soft fabric against his skin. The subtle weight of what he thinks is yarn feels like a breath of fresh air.
He then eyes the overalls, still at the top of the pile on the little bench, biting his lip again and looking around despite the small stall being locked from the inside.
He leans over and grabs them, slowly putting them on one leg at a time and buckling the strap. He straightens to look at himself in the full length mirror and-
Oh.
That's him.
He stares into the mirror, gazing at the way the overalls and sweater soften him. He feels his breath hitch, vision going blurry as he meets his own eyes.
Hands shaking, he brushes a strand of hair out of his eyes. It’s gotten longer than it has been in a long time, not quite the length of a bob, but shaggy and fluffy around his head- completely free of product. Steve gathers the top layer of it and holds it in a sort of pony tail at the back of his head the way he’s seen Robin wear it once or twice and a sob chokes out of him.
He goes to the register with a pile of sweaters and the overalls. The lady checking him out smiles at him absently and his whole face feels like it’s wobbling as he smiles back. His chest feels full.
~~~🌻🔆🌻~~~
It takes him weeks before he feels comfortable wearing any of his new clothes around the party, but he decides Eddie should be the first, since he's helped inspire the whole thing. And because he’s the best boyfriend ever so Steve has to believe he’d be supportive. He just has to.
So, the next time they've planned to have a date night at Steve's (Eddie had been horrified Steve hasn't seen The Labyrinth), Steve puts on the yellow cardigan with his overalls. He ties up the top layer of his hair in a cute style- a braided crown pony tail- and leaves the rest down the way he’s practiced since he bought the little bands at the general store. He places a couple clips in it too- tiny claw clipped butterflies holding the braids in place. He's wearing his glasses for the first time in years. He puts on the tinted chapstick he’d bought with bated breath. He glances down at his baby blue nails- Robin had painted them for him without question and he’d hated that he couldn’t show her everything yet but- he needs to do this. So he sits down, ready over an hour early, and he waits.
The doorbell eventually rings, still before the time they’d agreed on, which makes the ghost of a smile appear on Steve’s face despite his nerves. Steve goes to get it, taking a second to breathe and wipe his hands on the soft denim covering his legs (he smiles again, absently, at the feeling) before opening the door.
Eddie seems to freeze when he sees him, and Steve's shoulders hitch up to be by his ears.
Less than a second later, he's tackled into a hug, stumbling back in the doorway as Eddie kicks the door shut behind them. He spins Steve so his back is to the door, curling his fingers near Steve’s ears where flyaways slightly frame his face.
"Sweetheart, sweetheart, you look so... You look so you," Eddie says, leaning up and kissing Steve’s forehead lightly before he nuzzles into his hair, their chests pressing against each other in the loose almost hug.
And Steve... Steve cries in the arms of his sun- finally able to truly face him.