Work Text:
ii. Dan and Phil as told by Mitski: I Want You
https://youtu.be/1-kO12tP3SE
2019
The new year had just started.
And for the first time in his life, Phil dreaded coming home.
I want you
He should be happy. He had it all. He had a successful career doing what he loved (mostly).
He had a new house on the way that he could design however he wanted. And yet…
I hold one card
That I can’t use
Dan. His… business partner. Best friend. Flatmate.
So many ways to describe their incredibly complex relationship. Then why was it so hard to define?
But I want you
.
2017
“Phil. I can’t do this anymore.”
Phil looked up from his bowl at Dan. There was no mirth in his eyes or voice.
“We’re going to give the people what they want. And then I’m stopping everything. I’m done,” Dan continued.
“Dan.”
“Don’t try to talk me out of it. You know I… I have too many issues I need to work through and YouTube is not helping.”
Phil reached for Dan’s hand. “I wasn’t going to talk you out of it. I’ll be here for you, Dan… I just want you to be happy.”
Dan nodded, and then got up and disappeared into his room, leaving Phil alone at the table.
.
2018
“So,” Dan began, just after they’d finished recording the last Gamingmas video.
Phil busied himself with checking the footage.
“How do you feel?” Dan asked.
Phil bit his lip, still not looking at Dan. “I’ll miss this,” he said simply.
Dan nodded and stretched his arms above his head.
“Me too, I think. But for now, I think I’m feeling all better already,” he said, grinning.
You’re coming back
And it’s the end of the world
Phil gathered the filming equipment as fast as he could. “Mmhm, that sounds great, Dan. I'll go put this away, now.” And with that, he rushed out the room, just in time before the tears fell.
We’re starting over
And I love you, darling
And I am done, dear
.
2019
Phil walked around the perimeter of their apartment complex. Just one more time. For exercise.
You’re in the house
And I am here in the car
He found himself at a nearby park with a strong need to sit down.
Sighing, he settled down on a bench, resting the heavy Tesco bags next to him.
I just need a quiet place
Where I can scream how I love you
.
Dan did not feel all better.
He hadn’t gotten anything done. He hadn’t gotten anything fixed.
“Unresolved trauma.” That’s what his therapist called it.
The giant rainbow elephant in the room.
Dan glanced at the time. Phil said he’d pop round to Tesco half an hour ago, but he wasn’t home yet.
I found you
I found the door
Phil. He’d been avoiding Dan lately. Dan could feel it.
But when I stepped through
There was no floor
He knew Phil was struggling, how could he not?
Ten years they’d been together. Ten years of an unlabelled, unaddressed relationship. Ten years of hiding.
Ten years of love.
You’re coming back
And it’s the end of the world
He finally knew what he had to do.
We’re starting over
And I love you, darling
He went to his computer and started writing an email.
To: Family
Subject: Basically I’m Gay
And I am done, dear
He was done hiding.
.
2020
The apartment was suffocating them. Cardboard boxes cramping up their living space, moving into their house delayed due to unforeseen circumstances, and no way to escape.
Dan got up from his spot on the tiny sofa.
“I’m going to the bedroom,” he announced.
Phil didn’t look up from his laptop. “Okay.”
You’re in the house
And I am here in the car
Dan shut the door behind him and exhaled heavily.
When did it get so hard to talk to each other? They used to be able to talk for hours about anything and everything. Heck, millions of people begged them to start a podcast.
I just need a quiet place
Where I can scream how I love you
Dan took a deep breath and walked out. He knelt down in front of Phil, startling him slightly.
I want you
“Phil.”
“Dan.”
“Can we play Peggle later? When you’re done editing?”
Phil broke into a smile, his eyes warm and understanding.
“Sure,” he said.
I want you