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“Malcolm’s got a girlfriend?” Nicola said, as if Ollie had just told her he was really a merman or something.
“A secret girlfriend!” he hissed, leaning in, panicked. “Keep it down. If it gets out he’ll know it came from me and if you think the threats he makes at work are bad…” shuddered at the very thought.
“Sorry it’s just…Malcolm. Malcolm!”
“Are you okay? You look a bit like you’re having a stroke.”
“I’m just trying to imagine the sort of woman that would not only have sex with, but date, Malcolm Tucker.” She gazed off into the distance. “So far I’m getting Medusa, and some sort of shapeless very weak, submissive type who’ll make his dinner and not complain when he comes home for an hour a week. Have you met her? Am I right?”
“Yes Nicola, and you’re absolutely spot on with Medusa, that’s why he hasn’t told anyone at work, it’s all a bit awkward really, the whole turning people into stone thing, though admittedly you’d think he’d be using her to his advantage a little more really, wouldn’t you?”
“I’ll take that as I no then, shall I? I bet he hasn’t even got a girlfriend, I bet this is just a test to see how gullible I am, isn’t it? Ha ha ha!”
“I have met her actually,” Ollie replied rather smugly.
“I’m right about the second one, aren’t I? Is she some small sour-faced Scottish woman who never leaves the house?”
“Definitely not.”
“Come on, Ollie, tell me!” she said, almost vibrating with excitement. No one ever told her gossip, and this bit was really bloody juicy.
“You’ve met her too actually,“ he replied, taking a sip of wine, enjoying the power he had over her in this moment.
“Oooh, is it Gillian from The Times? Bit like sleeping with the enemy and you know she’s probably using him for the inside track- ”
“It’s not Gillian,” Ollie said quickly, cutting her off.
“Okay I give up, tell me.”
“You remember that little party Glenn had for his birthday?”
“The one no one really wanted to be at, but we all felt sort of obligated?”
“That’s the one. She was there. Spend most of the night with Sam and Malcolm, didn’t move about a lot but when she did she was sort of…unsteady.“
Nicola tried to fit that description to anyone at the party and failed.
“Very young.“ Ollie continued.
“How young?“ Nicola asked, tone slightly hushed as she leant closer, This was getting better by the minute.
“Twenty four ish, I think.“
“Twenty four.“ She paused and gave Ollie another suspicious look. “You’re taking the piss now, aren’t you? Come on now, Ollie. A girlfriend I can just about buy but a twenty four year old girlfriend! I mean it‘s not as Malcolm‘s exactly…aged well, is it? Stress of the job and all that.”
“No seriously, think back. She didn’t really talk to many people, she’s sort of good at blending into the background. My theory is Malcolm’s had her trained by ninjas so she never gets spotted.”
“Wait - skinny, quite tall, sort of…gave the impression of a teenager in her mum’s clothes?”
“That’s the one! Grey.”
“Yeah, now I think about it Glenn introduced me, called her Grace.”
“Oh yeah, that’s her grown-up name,” Ollie laughed. “She hates it, only let Glenn call her it actually, hence…Grey.”
“She’s Malcolm’s girlfriend? She’s so…”
“Young? Odd? Attractive?”
“Jealous?” she asked with a smirk.
“Hardly,” he scoffed.
“I mean I didn’t really talk to her much, but didn’t she used to work at DoSaC? I’m sure Glenn said that. Were she and Malcolm…y‘know?”
“Recreating politically based porn in his office? He says not, and I don’t think they were. I think if they had been shagging back then she’d have been a lot less…distracted when he came into the office. It was quite sweet actually, you had to throw stuff at her head sometimes.”
“Oh god this brilliant! Malcolm and his strange twenty four year old girlfriend! She seemed quite intelligent actually,” she continued thoughtfully. “Not one of those simpering types.”
“I’m sure they’d be delighted to know you approve.”
“Anyway…how come Malcolm confided in you?”
“Me and Malcolm, we’re like that,” he said crossing his fingers.
Nicola gave him a very sceptical look.
“Yeah, okay, okay. I sort of…caught them.”
“Caught them?”
“Not at it!”
They both shuddered in unison. It was very odd to think about the man that was essentially their boss having sex. Actually it was sort of unimaginable. Malcolm only seemed to do angry and shouty, but hey maybe Grey liked that sort of thing.
“So…what happened,” Nicola said after a moment, trying to stop visualising what Malcolm would be like in a sexual context.
“He wasn’t answering his phone so I just went round, you know, to make sure he hadn’t been murdered in his own home by one of a thousand enemies he‘s made over the years or slipped and fallen in the bath, that sort of thing. And then he opened the door, all…relaxed and happy looking. I thought I’d got the wrong flat for a moment, and then there she was, all…flushed and...dishevelled.” He shuddered again. He could have caught them at it, a couple of minutes earlier and he was sure he’d have seen more of his boss than he’d ever wanted to. It didn’t bear thinking about.
Nicola took another sip, stunned by everything Ollie had just told her. “Wow,” she said, as she sat back in her chair.
“I know. But remember, don’t tell anyone!”
“Absolutely. Cross my heart.”