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It's been a long, tough week. Well past few days. Whatever. It's been rough, alright? That's a fair assumption in Lance's opinion.
Back to back rescue attempts, and all but one had been Galra ambushes or traps.
Now on their first free day, Allura wants more practice. Of course she wants more practice.
Normally, Allura's unyielding and rather harsh leadership doesn't bother Lance because, really, he would do anything for the princess. Plus, he knows she means well.
(All jokes aside, she really was starting to resemble his bossy, older sister and it was somewhat endearing. So he endured everything the same way he did with Lluvia; a big smile and jokes to get her to lighten up. Cheezits, it was hard though since Allura could be scarier than Zarkon on her worst days.)
Despite what his fellow paladins may think, he actually can grasp the severity of all situations, so yes he does realize how hard this week had been on all of them. Yet, dwelling on the negative does nothing except set him on edge and bring his anxiety up to the surface after he's tried so hard to keep it buried. Shiro already has way too much to worry about what with his own PTSD, Keith's anxiety, Hunk's nerves and Pidge, who was probably suffering more than any of them.
So, usually, he let's it all go. Just takes a deep breath and exhales all the bad. Except he hasn't really had enough time to himself all week (he hates being alone and having attacks with no one to talk to but he hates being a burden more) so he hasn't been able to allow the anxiety to run its course through him so he can cry or scream it out, lose himself in the dark always threatening to pull him under, for just a second so that he could pull himself back together.
He's kept the smile slapped on for far too long and his composure is starting to slip.
His mama always encouraged him to share when he was having an anxiety attack. He wasn't used to keeping his feelings to himself. He always had his sisters and mom to talk it out with. They always kept him grounded.
But they weren't here now. There were no clumsily woven daisy-chain flower crowns that his little sisters made for him to make him smile. There was no big, warm, comforting hug that smelled like lillies and mint and sunshine from his mama.
Perhaps that's why his cockpit suddenly seems too small, too dark, too suffocating. He can't seem to find the confidence or comfort that he usually does. Fuck, why was it so hot today?
"Lance! Please, you have to pay attention." Allura's voice cuts sharply through his thoughts and he's grateful for the distraction.
Right, that's right. Training with the particle beam-whatever that protects the castle. That's the exercise for today. Find a way to break the barrier in case they are ever faced with that same problem with the Galra ships.
He tries to force his mind to stay on the task at hand because it always helps to have something to focus on. Especially such a simple task.
Except not really because, Christ, it is so hard to focus when all he can hear is the waves rolling and crashing against his mind and all he can think is please, not now.
(He loves water. But this water is bad.)
Lance opens his mouth to ask (beg) if they could take just a small break when a beam hits Blue head on and Lance flips through the air.
The beams aren't meant to harm. Just to stun. Still, Lance can't help but feel bad that Blue is taking the brunt of his mistakes.
Sensing her pilot's distress, Blue sends him a comforting hum that does little to calm Lance's nerves but he appreciates it all the same.
"Lance!" Five voices scold from his comm. system and he flinches back.
"Sorry, guys. I'm trying." is all the blue paladin can muster in his defense because, fuck, the water is getting higher and his breath hitches. He takes a deep, shaky breath to try and force himself to keep treading.
God, is it hard though. With Shiro on one side and Allura on the other side.
Why is she screaming? Her voice is starting to climb in frequency and it sets Lance's heart pounding. Allura never screams.
"You're okay." He whispers to himself.
Maybe there's just something wrong with his comm. system and that why everything is starting to sound like multi-pitched whistles. That's got to be it.
"Uhh..." he mutters out loud as he looks down, evaluating his Lion's systems. He's about to ask if anyone else hears the whistling when he slams into something. Hard.
"Lance! What the fuck man? Quit being such a screw up today. Focus!" Keith's voice jumps out at him above the whistling and he hates the way his mind clings to it even though Keith is just being an ass. As if Lance would purposely slam his lion in to Keith's. Please.
Why does he sound so far away though?
Lance's witty retort (or angry "whatever, mullet.") is cut off by Pidge. "Yeah, Lance, quit messing around and pay attention. Do you always have to be so annoying?"
Okay first of all, what the fuck Pidge? Lance literally has not said a word to them today. And second of all, what the fuck Pidge? Quit being an ass like Keith.
Lance knows they aren't really mad at him and they don't mean what they say and they are probably just on edge right now. They are suffering more than he is, Lance knows this, so he won't hold it against them.
Another blast sends Lance rolling again and he bites his lip so hard, he tastes blood. All so he can keep from screaming. Normally, he'd laugh it off. Today isn't normal though.
It's the taste of blood that sets him off. The taste of blood from biting his lip to keep from screaming, to keep from alarming his fellow teammates. To keep to himself.
It's too much. It's all too much.
Something begins hissing in his ear and he feels the water finally pulling him under.
The little voice that haunts his dreams starts whispering.
"Cargo pilot."
"Lance, pay attention!" Allura's voice echoes above the hissing.
"Not good enough."
His breathing gets heavier and he's sure everyone can hear it.
"Annoying."
"Lance? Say something." that was Shiro.
"Loud. Obnoxious."
"Lance, buddy, are you okay?" Hunk.
"Keith's a better pilot. You are nothing compared to him."
Someone starts screaming.
"Stupid cargo pilot. You didn't deserve to even get into the Garrison."
"Who's screaming?" Lance wanders briefly amidst the hissing and whispering.
"Lance! Why are you screaming?! What's wrong?!" Keith sounded worried.
"Hunk is the engineer. Pidge is the brains. Shiro is the leader. What do you contribute to team Voltron?"
"Stupid."
"Nobody wants you around."
"I'm screaming." Lance realizes with a start.
"The Blue lion only picked you because it had no other choice. The others were destined for greatness. You are expendable. They don't need you. Nobody does."
"Lance, please, answer! You're scaring us." Pidge's plea falls on deaf ears as Lance continues screaming, trying to drown out the dark voice which is strangely starting to sound like each of his friends in turn.
"You don't DESERVE to be a defender of the universe! You are nothing, have nothing, will always be nothing!"
"No, Dios, no! Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!" A sob escapes his hoarse throat and he begins slamming his hand against the dash of his lion. Desperate to shut off everything.
The feeds cut off instantly and it goes quiet and Lance is finally alone with his thoughts. He has a brief moment of relief before the water pulls him under again and he's gone.
"Mama! My chest hurts, I can't breathe. I'm scared! Why can't I breathe?"
"Ay, Lance, it's okay cariño. It's just an anxiety attack. Remember what the doctor said? Focus on me, baby. Mama's right here, Lance, you're okay. Mama's always going to be right here."
His mom's voice fades away and he's left floundering, grasping for something to bring him back when suddenly he hears another voice
"Lance!" that's Keith. He feels something warm grasp his hand. Then he hears himself whisper something about being a good team.
He feels more than sees the warmth that is Keith's smile directed at him.
He wants to reach out and touch Keith's cheek, mostly because nothing feels real and he needs something to hold on to. Something real to bring him back.
"Lance? Open your eyes buddy. Please."
Lance smiles at the sound of Hunk's voice. He sounded like he cared. It was nice to feel like they cared.
Something cold touches his face and he's snapped back to reality.
He jolts up in a panic and looks around. Everyone is around him and they seem to be in Blue's hangar. Lance himself is leaning against Blue's paw.
Hunk is sitting on one side, Pidge on the other. Shiro and Coran are crouched down in front of him and Allura and Keith are standing just behind them.
He's about to ask what happened when Pidge suddenly throws their arms around his neck and hugs him furiously.
"Lance, what the hell happened?! Are you okay?" Hunk asks while Pidge continues squeezing the life out of the blue paladin.
Much as he adores Pidge, he really does need air. He taps their head twice and they release him with a gasp.
"Sorry, sorry, Lance. You just scared me. You scared all of us." They wipe at the tears forming in their eyes and Lance's heart breaks a little.
Pidge has way too much going on to worry about him. They don't need the extra strain.
Lance sighs and reaches out to wipe at Pidge's eyes.
"I'm sorry, Pidge, buddy, I'm alright. Really." At this, he turns to address his fellow paladins and Allura and Coran with a small smile.
Shiro's gaze remains stern. "You are not okay Lance. Why were you screaming?"
Lance feels his smile slip and his heart starts pounding again. Shit, he needs to get out of there and away from people. The attack hadn't ran it's course yet.
He stands shakily and waves away Hunk's concerned hands.
"Seriously, you guys. I'm okay. I just need to sleep a little. Please."
Allura frowns and places her hand on his chest, her touch feather light yet commanding and she pushes him gently backwards. He falls against Hunk, who wraps and arm around him and pulls him back down on the ground.
The princess then sits down right in front of him and stares at him. Her big, beautiful eyes bore into his.
"Lance. Talk to us. We want to help." She whispers finally and it's her tone that breaks Lance's resolve.
He begins sobbing again and curls back against Hunk, feeling ashamed and tired. Why can't they just understand that he doesn't need their help (Dios, yes he does), he can handle it all on his own (No he can't. someone please help.) he just needs to sleep for a little bit and he'll be fine.
Hunk rubs his back softly and whispers reassurances into his ears. He had forgotten about Lance's anxiety attacks, much as it shamed him to admit, what with the whole fighting aliens business and nearly dying all the time. Besides Lance hadn't had one in so long.
Hunk didn't realize how much his best friend had been hurting.
"Lance?" It's Pidge's whisper that finally breaks the silence that was punctuated only by the lanky boy's heavy sobs.
He sniffles and looks up into Pidge's eyes and they smile softly back.
Coran reaches a hand out and lays it gently on Lance's back. "Come now, young paladin, tell us what's hurting you."
Lance pulls away from Hunk and moves to sit back against Blue. He looks down and picks the glove on his left hand.
Shiro is used to this, it's what he deals with when Keith needs to talk all the time. Still, it's unnerving coming from the same boy who wanted to record himself making siren noises for the ship.
Allura places her hand over Lance's and he flinches slightly before looking up, eyes wide in surprise as though he hadn't expected them to still be there.
He blushes and pulls his hand back then looks away.
Finally, he breathes out, "I miss my mama."
Keith feels himself explode.
"Are you fucking kidding me?! That's what that whole scream fest was about?! Because you missed your mother?!"
Shiro stands up and puts his hand on Keith's shoulder. "Keith.." he warns but the red paladin shakes his hand off.
Lance scared him today, much more than he cared to admit. He thought Lance was legitimately hurt. Some rational part of him whispers that there has to be more to it but Keith isn't listening.
He's not called the red paladin for nothing.
Everyone stares at Keith with different expressions. Hunk and Pidge look angry. Allura and Shiro look disappointed. Coran looks concerned.
Lance doesn't even look at him, but his shoulders are shaking again and Keith gets more riled up.
"I just feel so alone." The Blue paladin whimpers before burying his face in his hands. Pidge stands, looking ready to beat some red paladin ass when Hunk tugs on their arm.
He shakes his head and pulls Pidge back down. Pidge continues their furious glaring.
Despite everything, Lance was like their big brother. Not a Matt replacement but he helped to ease the pain. Keith was not going to treat his pain that way.
Keith doesn't try to stand down.
How dare Lance make Keith worry over something so damn trivial and not even look him in the eyes.
Keith takes a breath, "Lance, you aren't the only one hurting here. Don't forget that. We all have things we struggle with. Don't be such a baby. You aren't alone."
Lance stops shaking, stops sobbing and it's like the calm before a storm. Everyone freezes uneasily and he feels Shiro cringe beside him.
Then, the lanky blue paladin explodes with a ferocity Keith didn't know he had in him.
He jumps to his feet, his eyes puffy and red.
"YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW THAT, KEITH?! I always think about all of you! I know you all have it so much worse than me! I'm not allowed to be sad because I'm the funny guy. The loud, obnoxious idiot who thrives off attention. Annoying! Right?! Why do you think I never said anything?!" Lance runs his fingers through his hair and his eyes dart around. He looks like a caged animal trying to escape and Keith feels his gut twist.
"Just because you all have problems, doesn't mean I'm not allowed to have them! I had these way before Voltron. Way before the Garrison! Yet I've never, EVER said anything about them! Why?! Because I knew this would happen! It's always happened like this!" He begins pacing.
"Someone always has it harder than you so you aren't allowed to be sad. Fuck that. I always try to put you guys first." He slumps against Blue's paw.
"I don't fucking need this!" He turns away from them and sinks to his knees, all the fight gone out of him. "If you all had just let me fucking have a full night of sleep, I would have never blown up like this. Y-you wouldn't have h-had t-to de-deal with thi -." His sentence cuts off and he buries his head in his hands, sobbing.
Nobody moves for what seems like an eternity. They all sit staring at different points. Pidge and Hunk were staring at Lance, Hunk has tears running down his cheeks and Pidge was biting their lip.
Allura and Shiro were staring at each other. Not in the sly, soft way they sometimes did but more as though they were asking each other what to do without really talking. Coran was staring up at Blue.
Keith found himself staring at the ground, feeling slightly ashamed of himself for the way he treated Lance. Of course he didn't mean to come off sounding as though he didn't care. He never had much practice with people before, Shiro being the only exception. He didn't know how to handle other's emotions but he was sure it wasn't the way he did with Lance.
Finally, it's Lance who breaks the silence. He stands and walks to the hangar door. He stops and places his hand on the frame.
"I'm sorry. I can't always be strong all the time but I try. I'm not used to dealing with these attacks on my own. Keith, you're right." At this, he turns his head and cast Keith a sarcastic half smile and Keith's eyes widen.
He looks so broken. The boy with stars in his eyes who dreamed of water and sand and sunshine, the boy who does his best to make others laugh and to let them know he cares, who's always there with a smile and a terrible joke, who would throw his life away at the blink of an eye if it meant saving his friends, is standing there before them, looking so lost. So sad.
"Just give me today? That's all I ask. Just today to get myself together. I'll be okay tomorrow. I just need today." He turns without waiting for an answer and stumbles towards his room.
No one follows him. No one knows what to say.
Slowly, one by one, the hangar empties until surpringly it's just Keith and Pidge. Pidge hasn't stopped glaring at Keith since Lance left and now Keith is getting irritated.
"What?!" He snaps at them, fully anticipating a fight.
They simply shake their head and stand up
Fixing him with one last glare, they make their way out as well and Keith slumps down against the wall.
Why couldn't he just think a little before he opened his mouth?
Keith buries his face in his hands and rubs at his burning eyes.
It's quiet in the hangar and the words keep swirling around in his head. There's really only one way to get rid of them.
Finally, he stands and makes his way to the training deck.
***
Lance pulls the blankets around himself tighter, feeling horrible for the way he acted. They must all think him a coward, someone who can't keep his emotions in check. Someone not worthy of being the blue paladin.
And they were right.
He sobs into his pillow, feeling more alone than ever.
The door slides open about an hour later and he flinches away from the sound.
"Please, go away." he whispers.
The answering voice surprises him.
"No."
He turns in his bed and offers a soft smile up to his visitor.
The princess sighs and sits at the edge of his bed. The mice gather around her shoulders.
"Lance. You can't do this to yourself anymore. You need to tell us when your hurting so we can help fix it."
Lance sits up but doesn't answer. He never wanted Allura to see him like this.
Well at least it's her and not Keith.
"Lance. Talk to me. I can help."
Lance chuckles softly and looks up meeting her eyes, "you sound just like Lluvia."
Allura tilts her head, "is Lluvia someone important to you, Lance?"
He smiles and looks away, remembering his sister's soft eyes and kind smile.
"She's my big sister. You remind me of her in a lot of ways. She was bossy and commanding and graceful and smart and loving. Just a wonderful person all around, really fit to be a princess too." he trails off and looks down.
Allura can't help herself, "did you flirt with your sister as well?"
Lance howls at that. It really isn't that funny it's just the first time he's really laughed in what feels like weeks. He throws his head back and is laughing so hard he can't breathe. Despite that he feels as though his chest is getting lighter already. His chest and stomach hurt but it's a good hurt and soon Allura joins, not being able to contain her mirth. Lance's laugh really could be infectious.
Lance wipes at his eyes after a good two minutes of laughing and smiles at the princess.
"I'm sorry, Princess, I'm feeling better now though. Really. Thank you."
Allura smiles kindly and stands to leave, sensing that she won't get anything else out of the paladin, before turning back.
"Others' pain and suffering does not cancel out your own. You are allowed to hurt. You're allowed to feel sad. And you are allowed to talk about it. We are all here, Lance. Even Keith, whether you believe it or not. You aren't alone. No one is alone. I promise."
She presses a kiss to the top of his head then turns and walks out of the room.
Lance smiles and touches his head. Yup, just like Lluvia. She used to kiss his head and preach words of wisdom when he was sad too.
He lays back down and pulls the pillow to his chest.
Perhaps in the morning, he'll go find Keith and apologize for blowing up at him.
But for now, he was going to lay here and remember his family and fight his way through the fog.
He fell into a troubled sleep with Allura's words echoing through his mind.
"You're allowed to hurt. You're allowed to feel sad. You're not alone."
The Castle of The Lions was quiet that night.