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Ooh-ooh-ooh-oh
Whoa-oh, whoa-oh, oh, whoa-oh, whoa-oh
Paani stared up at the night sky watching the stars. He sat on his paddle board pushing himself along the Mississippi river. Everyone once in a while he would feel a fish swim by his leg. The waters were mostly calm, which was good for him because he was lost in thought.
Ooh-ooh-ooh-oh
Whoa-oh, whoa-oh, oh, whoa-oh, whoa-oh
He had always been more of an act first and think later kind of guy. But tonight he found himself lost in his thoughts. A frequent occurrence lately. He just couldn't stop thinking about it.
On some level, I think I always understood
That these hands of mine were clumsy, not clever
This was about the time when he would begin to wonder why he had every thought that he could have someone's heart. Why he had every thought he could be in charge of protecting something so fragile, even for a short time. He had always been more of a free spirit. Never staying in a place for long. Never staying with people for long. Why did he think he could do it?
And I tried to do the best that I could
But try as I might, I couldn't bring myself to hold you
Paani wonders if Kwazii felt the distance. Paani tried to keep him at arms length. Out of harms way. So he wouldn't get hurt. He ended up chuckling sadly to himself, because that had worked out so well. He'd tried so hard to make it so that neither of them would get hurt, that they both did.
It's a secret I keep tucked inside my chest
With this heart of mine that's guilty, not remorseful
Kwazii allows him to keep working with the Octonauts. As far as he knows Kwazii hasn't told anyone what happened. Except Dashi, he sees her glares when he even looks in Kwazii's direction. They don't talk about it. They don't talk. But Paani sees it. He can see the hurt. In every missed interaction, every text conversation that they used to attempt to keep, and everytime their eyes meet. And part of him always wants to reach out and fix it. He wants to say he's sorry. He wants to give it another shot. He wants to ignore everything else.
There is love that doesn't have a place to rest
But it would have buried you if it had settled on your shoulders
There's so much that Kwazii doesn't know. So many things that Paani hasn't shared with anyone. So many things that make him hard to love. No one is prepared for that. Paani's not prepared for that. There's so much resentment. So much pain. So much trauma. And so much time alone that Paani doesn't even know really how to be with someone. And then there's the reason that he did what he did.
Ooh-ooh-ooh-oh
Whoa-oh, whoa-oh, oh, whoa-oh, whoa-oh
It's been a few months now, since Paani has seen the Octonauts. He's been trying to give Kwazii space. Paani knows he hurt him. Paani hurt himself. But he thinks he hurt Kwazii more. He misses Kwazii. He misses their friendship. He misses the before. And he wishes he could take back his stupid stupid question.
There have been a few times in his life when he's wished for a time machine, a way to go back and undo things. Even though he knows it's impossible. But if he could only undo one thing, this would be it.
Ooh-ooh-ooh-oh
Whoa-oh, whoa-oh, oh, whoa-oh, whoa-oh
Paani remembers that night. They'd just gotten done with a mission. And he allows himself to get lost in the memory.
"Look at those birds." Paani says, pointing to them appearing to dance together by the lake. Kwazii stands up so fast it scares Paani half to death. "Let's try it!"
"What?"
"Come on, it'll be fun." Kwazii smiles at him, holding out his paw. The moonlight and the light from the tent make him look like he glows. And how could Paani possibly say no. He takes Kwazii's paw and Kwazii leads him over to the lake shore.
Paani has never really danced before. And he doesn't feel like he'll be very good at it. But Kwazii smiles at him reassuringly, softly, and he doesn't feel so scared.
Kwazii twists him around, and it makes them both laugh. Paani tries to do the same, and Kwazii has to duck under Paani's arm so he doesn't knock off his hat. Which sends them further into giggles. So Kwazii spins him again and this time Paani almost falls into the lake. So they both laugh.
Paani doesn't really know how they end up there but their hugging now. And it feels so good to be held. It feels so good to have his friend here with him now. He feels Kwazii's tail find his own and flinch away, as if he's unsure.
"Kwazii," Paani says, before he realizes what he's saying he talks, "can I kiss you."
"Yes." Paani isn't sure he heard right. He pulls away just enough to see Kwazii's face. "Did you say yes?" Kwazii chuckles a little bit. "Yes."
Their kiss is short. But their both smiling and happy, so they do it again, slightly longer this time.
Kwazii feels a beep on his Octowatch, "Looks like the Captain is asking me to come back so they can lock the gups up for the night." And Paani almost suggests that Kwazii just stay with him. But that's probably too soon. So they hold hands as Paani walks Kwazii down the beach to his gup.
He waves good bye as Kwazii drives away. He feels like he could fly. He walks back to his camp feeling like he could conquer the world.
On some level, I think I always understood
That a ship could never really love an anchor
Paani has a family. He has a sister. And a brother. And a mom and a dad. And he'd told his sister about Kwazii. And he remembered every time Jaya had told him about a boyfriend of hers or a boy she liked. He wanted someone to be happy for him.
He called his sister. She picked up on the third ring. "Hello?" She asked. "Jaya, splashing news. I kissed Kwazii!" There was a pause. He could have never expected the disappointed, "Paani."
"What?" He choked out. "How could you do that?"
"What do you mean?"
"You know how mom and dad feel about you liking boys. How could you be so stupid." The guilt began to settle over his heart and eat at his soul. "I thought you would be happy for me." He can feel his throat begin to constrict on itself. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to support you? Off who knows where studying water? And now kissing a guy? What are you going to tell our parents." Paani felt frozen in place. He couldn't respond. He couldn't say anything. He thought Jaya supported him. "And I've got my own crap to deal with Paani! Do you have any idea how hard it is to like someone and know that you can’t have them? I just spent two hours with my crush and it sucked because I know he doesn’t like me back." Paani did the only thing he could and hung up.
He forgot how he felt before. That feeling was gone. All that was left was a guilty constricting feeling in his heart and stomach. And now he just felt like crying.
So, I did the only thing that I could
And severed the rope to set you sailing from my harbor
"Paani!" The macaque got up at the sound of his name. The sun had risen. And he had yet to move. This was not usual for him. He just couldn't be bothered. "Captain?" He called. Captain Barnacles opens his tent. They stare at each other for a moment. "The only reason Kwazii isn't here right now is because I told him I would come." Paani sighs and tucks his knees into his chest. That guilty feeling is pulling at his chest again. "He wouldn't tell me what happened, but he seems really worried about you. Something about you not responding."
"I've been… busy." He flicked a rock that had somehow found it's way into his tent. The Captain just raised a brow at him, clearly unconvinced. "Mind if I join you?"
"Come in." Paani patted the spot next to his sleeping bag. He was tired. He'd barely slept. He'd spent all night tormented by his thoughts. A part of him was screaming that this was just because of Jaya. That it was because of his parents. But he felt it to clearly in his heart. It physically hurt too much for it to just be that.
"You wanna tell me what's going on?" The Captain asked. Paani sighed. "Family problems. Nothing you can help with." The Captain was clearly surprised. "I thought you were by yourself?"
"Well sure, but I still have parents. And I also have siblings. I talk to them occasionally. We have some… differences of opinion. I got into a fight with my sister last night."
"What about?" He hesitated. He knew the Captain knew he was close to getting to the real problem. "I kissed Kwazii last night." The Captain looked shocked. "And I told Jaya. She called me stupid. She's probably telling me parents. I'm sure I'll receive an angry phone call or something of the sort. And now I feel stupid."
"Why? Do you not like Kwazii? Or does Kwazii not like you?" He shook his head, and he felt some stray tears rolling down his cheeks. "I didn't think about my parents, or my sister, or my brother in that moment."
"And that's a problem?"
"It hurts." He explained. The Captain pulled Paani in. Normally he'd resist or put up a fight, his pride would stop him from allowing himself to have physical comfort. But not now. He needed this.
He had no idea how much time had passed. "Maybe you need more time."
"What do you mean?" Paani asks. "It sounds like there is some work you need to do for you. You both deserve better than a relationship that you feel has to be kept a secret. And you both deserve better that a relationship filled with guilt, resentment, and internalized homophobia you haven't started to unpack. I want to tell you to give it a shot, but maybe now just isn't a right time."
"That doesn't feel fair." The Captain chuckled. "Your right, it's not, but these things rarely are. I can only hope that somehow it will work out for both of you." So Paani did the only thing he could think of a cried.
Kwazii lit up the moment he saw him, which only made the knot in his stomach twist further. He ran up and gave Paani a hug, which he tried to return. It just wasn't as enthusiastic.
"What's wrong matey?"
"We need to talk." Kwazii's face immediately fell. Paani didn't even know what to say. He didn't think he could get out the truth, the whole truth, if he even tried. He doesn't have a good excuse. "I'm…" He bit his lip, "I have some problems in my life that I need to sort out before I can pursue a relationship. But your friendship is really important to me and I hope that we can keep being friends." Kwazii looks sad but he nods. "Yeah, I'd like that. And if ya ever need help you know where to find me, matey."
There are times when I still wonder about you
You are someone I have loved, but never known
Paani wiped away the stray tears that had begun to appear at the bittersweet memory. And he tried to allow it to be that. Bittersweet. There would always be before. Before everything. He could remember playing uno late at night with the others fast asleep around them. Paani had panicked and said goodnight when it seemed like Kwazii was leaning in to kiss him. He could chuckle at that. He could remember all of their adventures.
Paani finds that his mind still wanders to Kwazii a lot. That guilt had morphed. It was lessened. It wasn't as painful. It was livable even. Some days were better. The days that were busier he found himself thinking about Kwazii less and less. But in the empty moments, even in the busy moments, something would make him think of the cat. A song. A laugh. A game. A show. A word. And every time it was bittersweet.
He tried to reason with himself. It was one kiss. It shouldn't hurt as much as it did. It shouldn't hurt him as much as it did. Because it was his fault. He found himself rowing the paddle board along the river slowly, almost not all, mostly just floating. Because he didn't deserve for it to hurt as much as it did. He didn't deserve to miss Kwazii as much as he did.
He didn't have that long with Kwazii. And the truth is Paani had loved him. He knew that now. Looking back. He wished he knew that then. There's no telling if it would have changed his choices. But he wished he had known. And they hadn't had that long together. Paani had a hard time getting close to people. And he didn't really let himself do it. So there was still a distance. There was still so much they both didn't know. There was so much Kwazii didn't know about him.
And you'll never see the reasons I had
For keeping my claws away when they were close enough to hurt you
Sometimes Paani thinks he should have explained it more. Sometimes he thinks that it would have been kinder. That maybe it would have hurt less. But then he thinks that it would have just sounded like excuses. Or that Kwazii would have fought him on it.
He wishes it hadn't hurt either of them this much. But he also knows that it would have been worse. Eventually. The Captain had been right.
Kwazii wasn't perfect, Paani knew that. But he was far closer than Paani was. Paani was sharp edges. He found himself starring at his paws. He wishes he'd stayed further away. He wishes he'd protected Kwazii more. But the truth is there was more damage that Paani could have done. He's just… he's difficult. He's flawed. He's broken. Kwazii had been inching closer to the shards of glass that were Paani without even realizing how close he was to getting cut.
It wasn't just the internalized homophobia. It was his mental health. He didn't know what was wrong with him but he knew he wasn't normal. There were things from his childhood he just didn't like to talk about that still hurt somewhere inside.
I am selfish, I am broken, I am cruel
I am all the things they might have said to you
He wonders what Dashi might have said to Kwazii. As offered words of comfort. He's heard his sister's friends before, talking about her ex's. The way they speak. And while he isn't really Kwazii's ex, he has no doubt that Dashi said similar things about him. And it stings a little bit. He wishes he had a friend. He wishes someone understood.
He thinks about it and he feels selfish. How could he have asked that? He had known what he was getting into. He had known. So why did he do it? Why did he think he could conquer that. And where had his courage gone? Why couldn't he have been braver. It makes him feel cruel. He didn't just hurt himself. He hurt Kwazii. He hurt Dashi. He hurt the Captain. He hurt his mother. His father. His sister. His brother.
He tries to feel the water against his legs but finds that it doesn't help sooth his mind. And a part of him feels like he deserves it.
Do you ever think of me and my two hands?
And wonder why they never soothed your fevers?
And wonder why they never tied your shoes?
And wonder why they never held you gently?
And wonder why they never had the chance to lose you?
Mostly he wonders why he never tried. And would it have even made a difference. He wonders all these what ifs. Soemtimes, a lot of times, he wonders if he gave up his one chance at happiness because he was scared.
He thinks about the times that he had been there, in the before, to help Kwazii. To be a part of his life. And how he would never get to do that again.
He feels cruel to say that he lost Kwazii, because he's still alive. He's still around. He could go find him. He could talk to him. If Kwazii would return him messages. And Paani doesn't blame him for not. He never really lost him. And maybe he didn't lost him because he never really had him. Kwazii was never his. And you can't lose something that's not yours.
Ooh-ooh-ooh-oh
Whoa-oh, whoa-oh, oh, whoa-oh, whoa-oh
Paani thinks of Kwazii. He thinks of what might of been. He thinks of the pirate. He thinks of his stories. He thinks of their adventures. He thinks of the times they rescued each other. He thinks of Gup H crash. And maybe he wishes, somewhere deep down, that the Octonauts had never crashed on the Skeleton Coast that day.
He wishes he knew how to say everything to Kwazii. That he could find him and tell him that he was sorry. If nothing else. That he was just sorry.
He remembers when he first started to like Kwazii. How he tried to talk himself out of it. How he tried to figure out how to move on. And then how he accepted it. And it makes him laugh now. It comes out wet and hollow. Tears are running down his cheeks and he can't stop them.
Ooh-ooh-ooh-oh
Whoa-oh, whoa-oh, oh, whoa-oh, whoa-oh
Paani stops at the bank and looks up at the sky. He wishes he could just… make it go away. Undo it. Always. Or maybe he just wishes things were different. What he does know, is that it hurts. And that he's trying to figure out how to live with that. And that even if it gets a little better everyday, there are somedays that like a scab that has been picked, the wound feels reopened.
He sits down on the shore and sighs. Allowing himself the space he needs to cry. Because it hurts. And maybe that just has to be okay. Maybe we're all just pieces of the people we've loved. And a part of him may always love Kwazii.
And for now, he'll continue to wish that somehow, the anchor could have figured out how to let go enough to love the ship.