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Yugamu probably found out that Takumi’s gambit had failed before even he did.
Ever since he’d taken Tsubasa and fled on the bus, Yugamu had been in the leisure lounge, watching their still-lit names on the board until one of them went out.
The Sponsor had announced almost immediately after they left that the next execution need not be attended and left it at that. Darumi had took off on foot after the bus, fury and terror seeming to fuel her. She didn’t even try to hide it behind anything. Yugamu watched her go. He couldn’t bring himself to feel angry or afraid even knowing what was likely about to happen. He just went to the leisure lounge and waited.
Yugamu told himself that Takumi had just been desperate and not thinking things through to their logical conclusions. Maybe he’d been concerned about the mission even though it had seemed so far from his mind. Maybe he’d thought they’d be stopped if they spent a moment longer in the school.
Takumi hadn’t thought that taking Tsubasa out of the equation would force the next in line up to the gallows. He’d been right about that even. There was no reason to feel hurt that he hadn’t considered it.
Takumi hadn’t realized that his plan required never returning to Last Defense Academy ever again. If that light never went out, Yugamu would never see Takumi again. He’d sabotage the final attack, return to the satellite, and hope that the two of them managed to carve out a space for themselves on this barren planet while burying the ever burning hurt that he hadn’t been important enough to bring along.
The light was out though. Tsubasa was dead.
He should be more sad about that than he was.
Instead, he just kept looking at Takumi’s light, willing it not to go out too. After five minutes passed and it was still bright, he could at least assume that he hadn’t been executed along with her. Then he had to start worrying about the other way that light could go out.
Was he asleep? It was the middle of the night. He might not know yet. What would he do when he found out? What was he doing right now if he’d watched it happen?
Nozomi found him there the next morning, still staring at that remaining light. Her reaction to Tsubasa’s death was stronger than Yugamu’s. That made him feel worse about it. He still didn’t do much to try to comfort her. He just kept watching that light.
Takumi had to be awake now. He had to know.
Come back. He pleaded silently. I’m still here. I know I’m not her, but you haven’t forgotten me completely, have you?
Days passed. Takumi’s light didn’t go out. He didn’t return either.
Nozomi brought Yugamu food he barely touched. She tried to get him to sleep, promised she’d stay up and wake him if anything changed, but he refused. He could go nearly two weeks without sleep if he conserved his energy in other ways, and he intended to spend every moment of that in this exact same spot.
He didn’t see the other team, but he heard the door open a few times without anyone actually coming in. Nozomi would be safe around them. Yugamu was the one in last place now, after all. At this rate, all they had to do was wait for Day 100.
Nozomi sat beside him quietly for a few hours each day. Yugamu was fairly certain it was for his own sake rather than Takumi’s. He was worrying her. His behavior wasn’t normal. He still couldn’t make himself stop doing it.
Darumi stumbled back to the school a few days after she left, exhausted, delirious, and scraped up. Nozomi had to tell Yugamu about it. She’d asked if he’d be willing to look her over. She knew she’d be turned down, but she’d asked anyway. Yugamu at least managed to give her a list of things to check for. He didn’t ask if Nozomi had told her about Tsubasa.
Nozomi’s visits continued, but they got shorter. Yugamu assumed it was because half of her free time was dedicated to sitting at Darumi’s side now too. They no longer spoke to each other, so he couldn’t be sure. Somehow Nozomi still didn’t seem angry with him. Yugamu almost wished she was.
Maybe if she shouted at him or shoved him or told him he was wasting so much time doing nothing at all, he’d be able to stop. He certainly hadn’t managed it on his own. He couldn’t manage much of anything on his own these days.
He sat. He waited. And time ticked by.
The final round of the invader hunt had started up.
Takumi had been gone for over a week.
His light was still on.
Nothing had changed.
Nothing-
Yugamu shot to his feet as the quiet sounds of an engine reached his ears. He didn’t feel the exhaustion in his body. He didn’t feel like he had a body at all, really. He just moved. He just ran.
He barely remembered to grab a fire extinguisher, so focused on making it to the wall of fire. He shouldn’t have needed one; the bus was equipped with extinguishers of its own, but it was a good thing he did. The bus had stopped just outside the wall.
Footsteps pounded behind him, but Yugamu barely heard them. The only thought in his head was seeing Takumi again, so he wasted no time opening a hole himself and stepping through.
There he was.
His clothes were dirty. His hair was a mess. There were dark circles under his dead, empty eyes.
“Takumi!” Nozomi called first, while Yugamu was still just staring at him. “Thank goodness.”
“Nozomi…” He didn’t look directly at her.
Darumi ran past him into the bus. Takumi turned slowly towards her, shoulders drawing up as he watched her frantically search the small space. When she emerged from the door, she was glaring at him.
“You didn’t bring her back!?”
Takumi shrunk further. “I…I buried her. I-”
“You couldn’t even bring her back!?” Darumi screamed. “You took her away from me, and you couldn’t even let me say goodbye?”
“Darumi…” Nozomi said softly. “He wasn’t-”
She doubled over, burying her face in her hands and sobbing. “Mistress Tsubasa… Mistress Tsubasa… Why? Why didn’t you just let her kill me?!”
Nozomi rushed forward, wrapping Darumi in her arms to keep her from lunging for Takumi. Gently, ever so gently, she whispered something into Darumi’s ear and pulled her further away.
Takumi didn’t even seem to realize they’d gone. “…I’m sorry… I…I thought…” He shook his head. “I was wrong. We can’t win. We can’t.” His head rose. Those lifeless eyes locked on Yugamu. He took a faltering step forward. Then another. Then another. Until they were inches apart.
“Takumi…”
“Kill me.”
Yugamu’s back stiffened. He knew it was coming. He knew. As soon as Takumi had stopped the bus out here instead of inside, as soon as he’d waited for the next round to start to reappear. But still, to hear him say it, to hear his voice so devoid of everything that made him Takumi… Yugamu couldn’t take it.
“Takumi…” He said it again. As if repeating his name would summon him back.
“You want to, don’t you? It’s okay. You can. I want you to. However you like.”
Yugamu shook his head. His throat was so dry.
Takumi reached out and grabbed Yugamu by the wrist. He pulled his hand forward, placing it around his own neck before he released his hold. Yugamu’s arm was limp. It barely stayed in place.
“You can do it now,” Takumi insisted. He placed his hand over Yugamu’s, trying to make it tighten. “Just squeeze. You’ll be safe.”
Yugamu’s jaw clenched tight. He ripped his hand out of Takumi’s grasp. Takumi blinked at it, confused. Like he couldn’t understand. Like he actually thought… “Takumi, stop this.”
He shook his head. “No. You have to. You…” He trailed off, eyes clouding. “Oh.” He met Yugamu’s eye again. He took a small step closer. He leaned in.
Yugamu froze.
Takumi’s lips brushed against his. Soft, innocent, warm, and wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Yugamu jerked back, but Takumi barely seemed to register that the reaction had been negative.
“There. You can kill me now, right? I love you, so you can-”
Yugamu grabbed him by his collar, cutting the words off in a choked wince. Yugamu’s face had twisted into something violent and cold and hateful. A face he’d never worn since waking up in this war. A face he had never wanted Takumi to see.
Takumi sighed, relieved, and closed his eyes.
Yugamu’s hand shook. His grip tightened around Takumi’s shirt. Then with one forceful shove he sent him sprawling to the ground. Takumi stayed in that same relaxed state for a few seconds. He only reopened his eyes when nothing came next after the fall. He blinked at Yugamu, confused again. The expression made the pain worse.
“You are being cruel to me, Takumi. You would lie to me to try to make me do this?”
Takumi shook his head. “Not a lie. I love you. Kill me.”
“Stop it!”
“What’s going on?”
Nozomi had returned, head jerking back and forth between the two of them, looking horrified.
“Takumi is not well,” Yugamu said, eyes never leaving Takumi’s. “We need to get him inside.”
“No!” Takumi cried, scrambling to his feet. “No, you have to kill me! You can’t die! I won’t let you die!”
Nozomi slapped a hand over her mouth, horror consuming her expression. “Takumi…”
His expression broke, he started to shake violently. “Please. Please. You can’t… I can’t…”
“There he is.”
Yugamu jolted to attention. Without thinking about it, he interposed himself between Takumi and the newcomer. It wasn’t as if it would make a difference. If a punishment was going to be doled out, he could do nothing to stop it.
“Welcome back, Takumi,” said the Sponsor in their usual pitched up voice. “I was beginning to think you’d just sit out there in the ruins until you wasted away to nothing!”
Takumi stared at the ground. “Had to… Yugamu…”
Yugamu’s fists clenched. The Sponsor didn’t acknowledge him at all. Their attention was exclusively on Takumi.
“Tell me, do you regret not accepting my offer? She’d be alive if you had. All you needed to do was listen to me, but you were so stubborn. Now another one of your friends are dead because of your poor decision making skills.”
He sobbed. “I… I…”
“Stop talking to him.”
The Sponsor turned to Yugamu, not reacting at all to the sudden cold fury in his eye. “Or what? You’ll attack me? Do I need to remind you what happened the last time you tried that? Do I need to remind Takumi?”
Yugamu clenched his jaw. The terror that flashed in Takumi’s eyes held him in place.
The Sponsor made a smug noise, then turned back to Takumi. “What do you say? Have you reconsidered your choice? If you drop to your knees and beg, I may still consider telling you.”
Takumi squeezed his eyes closed and shook his head. “No. No, I don’t need-”
“Don’t tell me you’re going to make the same mistake twice? Do you really want to wake up leaning against Yugamu’s mummified corpse this time?”
Yugamu stiffened furiously as Takumi collapsed into himself, trembling all over. “No… No…”
“Then beg.”
Takumi didn’t. Instead, he took off running away from the school.
“Takumi!” Yugamu called, but his steps didn’t falter for a second. Vaguely, he could hear Nozomi calling for him too, Darumi still sniffling to herself, and the Sponsor sighing exasperatedly. None of that mattered. Yugamu couldn’t let him go again.
He shot forward after Takumi, chasing him into the ruins until the school was far out of sight. Voices called after him, but no one followed. Well, one of the bees did, so he supposed the Sponsor didn’t need to, and Nozomi had probably not wanted to leave Darumi alone. That was fine. Yugamu would drag him back himself.
He thought that, but even though normally he’d be able to close the distance between him and Takumi in a heartbeat, the gap between them just kept getting larger and larger.
His lack of sleep. That had to be it. That was why Takumi could outrun him now. That was why Takumi was once again disappearing out of his sight.
“Takumi!” Yugamu shouted, hoping the sound of his voice would make him stop, but if anything, it only made him run faster. Why? Why was Takumi trying to get away from him?
The Sponsor hadn’t followed. It was just Yugamu. His friend. Someone he was willing to lie about loving to see safe. He would only run if…
Yugamu’s breath caught in his throat. He forced himself to go faster. To get there in time.
He caught Takumi’s wrist in his hand just before he could stab himself in the stomach a fourth time.
Blood soaked his sweatshirt. His eyes were half-lidded, blinking slowly up at Yugamu.
He smiled softly at him. He brought a hand up to cup his face.
“Takumi…” Yugamu choaked out. “You didn’t need…”
Takumi shook his head. “You have to live. You have to.”
“You have to too!”
Yugamu broke out of his daze enough for his mind to start working again. Tasks came to him one after another.
Get the infuser out of Takumi’s reach.
He pried his hand open and flung it away into a pile of rubble. For all he cared, the awful thing could rot there until the end of time. They had plenty of others back at the school. Corpses had no need of such things.
Stop the bleeding.
Yugamu pressed down hard on Takumi’s stomach. If he could just make it stop long enough to get him back to the school…
When Takumi tried to grab Yugamu by the wrists and pry his hands off his stomach, Yugamu snarled at him, pushed him into the dirt, and pinned Takumi’s hands down with his leg. All the while, he didn’t let the pressure up once.
“Yugamu…stop…” Takumi pleaded. “You have to kill me. It won’t count if I die while you’re trying to help me.”
“You’re not going to die,” Yugamu hissed. “I won’t allow it.” He swallowed, hands starting to shake. “Do you have any idea how worried I was? I spent every moment you were gone watching your light on the leaderboard, dreading the thought of it going out, dreading the idea that I’d never see you alive again. And now you dare return just to force me to watch you die? You claim you love me, yet you would subject me to this?”
Takumi blinked at him. “You…you wanted to kill me. You said-”
“That doesn’t mean I wanted you to be gone!”
Takumi’s jaw snapped shut. He stared wide-eyed up at Yugamu.
Yugamu felt so weak. He was shaking. He was shouting. He was not acting very assassin-like at all. When a drop of liquid hit the back of his palm and slid down, dragging Takumi’s blood along with it, he knew he was well and truly lost.
“Do not go,” he begged in a shaky voice.
Takumi was watching him. Yugamu couldn’t meet his eyes. He just kept staring down at Takumi’s chest, willing the blood to stop flowing, to give them just a bit more time. Even if it was only two more weeks, Yugamu would take every precious second he could.
“I’m sorry…”
Takumi’s voice was so quiet, it was almost inaudible. When Yugamu finally turned to look at his face again, tears were bubbling in his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he repeated. “I didn’t… I didn’t want to hurt you.”
Yugamu took a long breath in and out, trying to steady himself, to regain some control. He needed to be in control. He needed to keep Takumi breathing.
“I know,” he said softly. “I know you don’t want that. I know you, Takumi. Just…” He paused. “I’m sorry. I cannot grant you the mercy you want. Not right now. I’m…too selfish.”
Takumi shook his head. “No. No, I shouldn’t have asked you to…” He winced. “I’m sorry.” Tears streamed down his face. For the first time since he’d returned, those eyes looked like Takumi’s again. Guilty and self-loathing and pained. Takumi. Always drowning in regrets, always desperate to do better.
“It’s okay.”
It was. It would be.
Takumi stopped fighting Yugamu as he staunched the bleeding and stitched the wounds closed tight enough to hold as he carried Takumi back to Last Defense Academy. Yugamu kept a hand against his neck the entire time, making sure the pulse there didn’t fade. He wasn’t sure what he’d do if it started to, but he didn’t have to find out. They made it to the revive-o-matic before it started to stutter.
Yugamu set him gently in the capsule, brushing his bangs out of his eyes. Still there. He hadn’t faded again.
Yugamu stayed with him as the machine did its work then ignored Takumi’s insistence that he was fine and carried him back to his room for good measure. Nozomi had been hovering nearby since he got back to the school, but Darumi had disappeared. Yugamu would discover later that she’d left her with Kamyuhn for now.
Takemaru’s group was outside the dorms when Yugamu brought Takumi back to his room. Yugamu ignored them. Giving them more information about what Takumi had been trying to do was only asking for trouble. They could think whatever they wanted until the game was over. At least they had the decency to seem a bit concerned.
Yugamu sat on the side of Takumi’s bed, looking over at him as he sat against the headboard. After confirming that Takumi was going to be okay, Nozomi was kind enough to leave them alone. Though, not without firm instructions to Takumi to do whatever Yugamu told him too.
In other circumstances, he would have taken full advantage of a statement like that, would have left Takumi red-faced and spluttering and Nozomi giving him a look that said ‘you know what I meant.’ He couldn’t imagine saying something like that right now though, for any number of reasons.
Takumi watched Yugamu as he sat there, didn’t complain when Yugamu trailed his fingers across his shoulder, across his scalp. Just reminding himself that Takumi was still here. All their other problems could come later. Dahl’xia, the Sponsor, the Killing Game. So long as Takumi was alive, there was room to figure the rest out.
“Did you really…spend the whole time I was gone…watching the leaderboard?” Takumi asked quietly.
Yugamu glanced at him when the words started, but by the end, he’d averted his eyes again. “Yes.” He frowned to himself. “I handled things…poorly. I gave Nozomi another person to worry about instead of helping her hold things together. It was cruel of me.”
There was a beat of silence. Then Takumi reached out and clasped Yugamu’s hand in his. He didn’t speak, just held him for a while, grip tightening with each passing second.
“Takumi?”
“I’m sorry I didn’t bring you with me.”
Yugamu stiffened.
“You or Darumi.” He stared down at their hands, frowning deeply. “I don’t know what I was thinking. Some stupid idea that for a thing like that it should just be the two of us, but… It shouldn’t have been. Tsubasa wasn’t just mine, and I wasn’t…” He stopped, swallowing. “If it’d been the four of us, maybe we would’ve kept driving until we actually got away. Maybe you would have thought to check to be sure the bee wasn’t riding along with us, or Darumi could’ve alerted us when one was getting close in the middle of the night. Maybe… Maybe Tsubasa wouldn’t have…”
Despite himself, Yugamu frowned a bit at that. Of course that was still the most important thing. Of course-
“And Darumi wouldn’t have had to lose the one person who tried to care about her again,” Takumi continued. “And you wouldn’t have had to sit here thinking I don’t care about you because I was too stupid to-”
“Takumi.”
He stopped. Those big blue eyes were swimming with guilt once more. Guilt and regret and shame.
“It’s alright.” Yugamu brushed his thumb back and forth across the back of Takumi’s hand. “I didn’t think that.”
Of course Takumi cared about him. Takumi cared about everyone. Care was not the issue.
“How could you not?” Takumi protested. “I just… I just left you here! You saved my life. You stood with me when no one else would, and I… I’m so sorry. You’re right. I can’t… I can’t claim I love you when I treat you like this.”
Yugamu raised his head. Why…was Takumi talking about that now? Of course Takumi didn’t love him. He’d only ever said it to get Yugamu to kill him. Because he thought it was what Yugamu needed to hear to go through with it. It was cruel, but it was to save his life, and Takumi hadn’t been in his right mind at the time. He was now though. Why bring it up again if he wasn’t going to apologize for saying it? Instead he was…what? Apologizing for not living up to it? What did that matter when it wasn’t true?
“It really is alright, Takumi,” Yugamu insisted. “My feelings are mine to deal with. I can’t expect you to treat me the same as her. I don’t.”
Takumi blinked at him. For a moment, he searched Yugamu’s face for something, then he turned away. He nibbled nervously at his lip. “You should,” he murmured.
Yugamu tilted his head. “Takumi?”
“You know I… After it happened, one of the first things I thought was that I wished you were there.” His grip on Yugamu’s hand tightened. “You’d know what to do. You’d know what to say to make it feel less like…the world had just ended.
“I should’ve just come back. I should have. I just…couldn’t figure out what to say. I kept thinking about how devastated Darumi was going to be, how angry with me. Tsubasa was so important to her, and I acted like that didn’t matter. Like I had to make sure she chose me instead. Like she had to choose at all.
“But Tsubasa…she…her heart was so big. Her feelings for Darumi didn’t make the ones she had for me any smaller. If anything, it made them more unique, more special. Something…tailor made just for me.”
He was crying quietly now. Tears slid softly down his face as he spoke, but he didn’t stop. Yugamu couldn’t bring himself to interrupt either.
“I felt…guilty at first for wanting you there so badly after she’d just gone. Like I was just forgetting her. Replacing her. But that’s…not it. I didn’t…stop loving her. If Tsubasa could hold two people in her heart, maybe…maybe I could too. Maybe it was okay. She’d…want that for me. She was…so kind.”
The longing in his voice didn’t illicit the same response as before. Yugamu was quiet. Every sense felt attuned. Every nerve was focused exclusively on Takumi. He wasn’t sure how much he was breathing.
“Then, of course, I got in my head about what I’d say to you too,” Takumi continued. “When we left to get Kamyuhn without telling you, you got so worried, and I…did the same thing to you again just worse. I thought I could solve everything myself, like I was making some big heroic sacrifice by leaving with Tsubasa to protect you all, like you both wouldn’t have rather been in the ruins with us than here all alone.
“And it wasn’t like you’d be safe if the game was stalled. There was still Dahl’xia, still the Sponsor. If they attacked anyone, it’d end the game, but then they could just make up something else with the leverage they had over all of you. Even if everything turned out okay, we’d still have…never seen each other again.
“I really…didn’t think things through at all, and Tsubasa still died. I hurt you all for nothing. I…couldn’t face you. I just buried Tsubasa and stayed away until…until the Sponsor announced through the bee that the fourth round had started.
“There were no other invaders to kill. You were still in last place. I couldn’t…I couldn’t let you die too. I thought I could atone and save you at the same time. I thought…” He shook his head, eyebrows knitting together. “I’m…really sorry I tried to make you kill me. I didn’t understand your feelings at all.”
Takumi was watching him now, searching him once more.
Yugamu couldn’t hold his gaze. “I don’t believe I made it very easy for you to. I don’t know that I…realized what I did and didn’t want until the prospect was more than a fantasy.” He forced a grin to his face, needing to stop feeling so exposed. “That’s not to say I was lying about wanting to cut you open and see your lovely insides~ So long as I can also see your cute face all flustered after~ Alive and well~”
He half expected Takumi to pull back at that, but if anything, he looked relieved to hear something familiar come out of Yugamu’s mouth. The embarrassment came a beat later. “That’ll still, probably be a lot for me, but it’s much easier to understand.”
Yugamu’s grin dropped off his face. His mind stalled. “A…lot? For…you?”
Takumi nodded. His blush got worse. “Can I…um…try again? The first one…wasn’t very good.”
Yugamu just stared at him.
He shuffled in place for a moment, then forced himself to look back at Yugamu. “You’re…really important to me. I didn’t really realize how important, and I’m not great with…flirting, especially when it’s so direct, so I didn’t really…treat the offers as seriously as I should. When you…asked me to kiss you, I…should have said yes. I regret not saying yes.”
“Takumi…”
“I never got the chance to…to kiss Tsubasa. I kept chickening out, kept thinking there’d be a better moment, and…now she’s gone. I never even told her how I… I just implied it. I didn’t tell her. I don’t…know how we’re getting out of this with both of us alive. Right now, I can’t even imagine a future like that. But I…don’t want to make the same mistake twice.
“I don’t…know if love is the right word exactly. Maybe it’s too soon to say something like that out loud, but…nothing else fits quite right. So, I’ll…stick with that. I love you. I’m sorry I’ve done such a bad job showing it.”
Yugamu had no idea what to say. He had no idea about anything. He was beginning to wonder if he’d gone crazy watching that screen in the Leisure Lounge and this was some complex hallucination.
Takumi’s hand felt real. Yugamu squeezed it tighter, hanging onto that tether to reality. He tried to find the words to respond.
“I don’t…know what comes after this either,” he decided finally. “I don’t know what to do any more than you do. I don’t have an answer, but I’ve…felt very strongly about you ever since you rushed in to save Hiruko without any concern for your own life.”
He couldn’t say love. Not now. It was too much, too soon. Takumi didn’t seem to mind at all. He just let Yugamu keep talking.
“I’d never met anyone who sees someone in need and just…acts. You don’t run the numbers; you don’t weigh the pros and cons; you don’t assess for risk. You just do what you think is right. That gets you into trouble sometimes, but it is also what makes you so enchanting to me.
“If you truly do love me, if it’s not just something you said to save my life, then I…am very grateful. I will do everything I can to get us to a future together.”
There were more words after that. Further apologies, further questions, further confessions. In the end though, they reached the same conclusion. Whatever was next, every extra moment together was worth fighting for. Both for them, and for the ones they couldn’t save.
As Yugamu’s week without sleep finally caught up with him, Takumi pulled him into bed beside him, neither of them wanting to wake up alone again. Then, as they drifted off, there was one more thing Takumi wanted another chance at.
The kiss was a lot better the second time.