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This was not the way Yugamu wanted to die.
He’d always fantasized about dying with his Lord’s sword in his gut and His hand on his face, kissing away his final gasp of life, keeping a part of him forever. He wasn’t meant to die alone in the ruins miles from the most important, beautiful, perfect being to ever exist.
It had been careless of him.
Returning from a successful mission, imagining the way his Lord would praise him for his success, craving being chosen for the daily reward over all the others who were working just as hard, he hadn’t been paying attention to the ground in front of him.
He hadn’t considered that this region could have some old traps that had never been triggered in the war that had proceeded their war. A pit trap had caught him unaware, cleverly designed not to collapse until its victim was in the middle of it, so even Yugamu’s quick reflexes couldn’t launch him all the way to solid ground.
He was only slightly impaled which meant he would die from dehydration, exposure, or infection instead of blunt force trauma or blood loss. Slower, more involved. Normally he would love a death like that, but alone? Without his Lord? How could Yugamu die without those eyes on him?
Yugamu had of course tried to free himself. He’d managed to saw through the wooden spike in his side on both ends. The pain had invigorated him. Every jolt that went through him brought him closer to seeing his Lord again. As for the one in his leg, it made more sense to cut the limb off than the spear out considering how little connecting tissue was left. Tying that off and searing the stump had made him pass out for a few hours, but after it was done, all that was left was to climb back out of the pit.
The walls were too slick. No matter how many times he tried, he couldn’t hoist himself back up onto solid ground. If he could just cross that short barrier, he would crawl all the way back to his Lord. There could be no greater marker of his devotion than that.
His Lord would look at him with concern and scoop Yugamu into his arms, telling him how worried He was and praising him for working so hard to return to Him. He’d be gracious enough to indulge Yugamu’s desires because of it. He’d pull out what was left of the spear, and Yugamu could die in His arms and wake in them moments later. For a few precious moments, he could have all of his Lord’s attention.
They’d spent time together before, of course. His Lord was kind enough to indulge the desires of all of His followers, even some of the ones He derived no pleasure from Himself. Yet, Yugamu had never been killed by Him. It wasn’t something someone so kind could bring Himself to do. If it was a mercy though? If death was necessary for Yugamu to be at his best again? Maybe then that beautiful dream could finally come true.
After, Yugamu could express his gratitude in a way his Lord could enjoy fully. He would worship Him in all the ways only he could, in all the ways that years at His side had taught him brought his Lord the most joy.
That dream was out of reach. His Lord was so far away. He couldn’t get to Him.
Despite that reality, Yugamu couldn’t help but continue to try. His body slowly grew more cut and bruised after each tumble back down into the pit. The sun rose and set. He only took breaks to feed and hydrate himself, not wanting to risk sleeping. He never made it more than halfway up.
After twenty-four hours in that pit and nearly seventy-two away from his Lord, his mind started breaking down.
Images he hadn’t thought about in years resurfaced in his mind.
Nozomi, the traitor, had tried to turn their Lord against them. Luckily, Eito had been there to show Him reason, to remind Him how happy they all were with Him in their lives. Still, they couldn’t risk her trying that again. A single moment of weakness could steal their reason for living away from them. Yugamu couldn’t exist without Him.
She had the audacity to look at Yugamu with betrayal in her eyes when he and Eito had strapped her down in that chair to burn the treachery out of her. She had cried, she had begged, all of her attention on Yugamu. She’d told him that he wasn’t himself, that if he was thinking straight he would never do something like this to her or to anyone.
It was ridiculous. Of course he was thinking straight. Nozomi’s weaker blood had poisoned her against their Lord. He would make her see His light. He would make her understand true happiness. He would give her the same gift the rest of them had already received.
Yugamu was being kind. Eito had wanted to kill her. The fear of upsetting his Lord was the only thing that held him back. This was the best thing for her. This was more than she deserved after trying to take Him away.
Her screams had been so loud. They rang in Yugamu’s ears now. Desperate and pained and guilty. Not for trying to take Him away, but for not acting sooner. When the first try hadn’t worked, she had sobbed out apologies over and over that she’d failed them, that she hadn’t been able to save them in the end.
In the present, Yugamu’s hands started to shake. Why had she said that? They didn’t need saving. They were happy. She was happy now. Their Lord was happy. That was all that mattered. How could they desire anything more than that? How could there be anything more than that?
Nozomi. He’d…killed her, hadn’t he?
He’d emptied her out and poured someone else in, someone who loved their Lord the way the rest of them did. She forgot about her treachery because the person she was now had never betrayed them in the first place. She was someone else now. Someone…better? Yes. He’d fixed her. He’d made her happy. His friend. He’d saved her.
Something wet slid down his face, and he raised a hand to brush away the tear that had slipped out.
Why?
He needed to do it. It was what was best.
Screams. Pleas. Apologies.
Nozomi…
No.
No!
He’d allowed her to love Him. He’d…allowed Him to love her. Her body. Without her in it. With someone else in control.
No. His Lord was good. His Lord was kind. He wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t right. He never did anything that wasn’t right.
They were so close to ending a generations-long war because of His guidance. He gave them everything they wanted. He was everything they needed. He was good. He was good.
Sure, things with the war had not always gone perfectly to plan. The humans could not see His godliness on their own, so they did not bend easily to His will when they weren’t being threatened. They needed to be shown that resisting would only cause more pain, and those that did not learn were eliminated. Eito adored getting the chance to put down any human who had the audacity to threaten their Lord directly.
As for the Futurans, they would bend when their Lord appeared before them. With their weaker blood, they did not love Him the way the SDU did, but they obeyed, they bowed. At least while He was near. Once he moved on though, they would begin to push back. He couldn’t be everywhere at once. Those that would not remain loyal needed to be shown consequences.
The killings weren’t loveless if they were for Him.
Why couldn’t they just accept the peace He was offering them? All of this death could end if they would just let Him lead them into a brighter future. If they dropped to their knees and gave up everything else but Him.
…No.
Why would they have to give anything up? Their Lord’s demands were reasonable. Eliminating the humans entirely was not an option. They had to learn to live with each other. What the Futurans had suffered was awful, but peace required compromise.
When was the last time their Lord had compromised?
He wanted complete integration, so that was what everyone had to agree to. He wanted to be listened to above all else, so other gods needed to be forgotten. He wanted this conflict to be over as soon as possible, so there was no time to listen to every little complaint. Better to just be rid of those making things more complicated.
Yugamu could feel the blood dripping down his arms. Years and years he spent plunging his knife into any and all enemies of his Lord. Strangers. Civilians.
Why…had his Lord asked that of him? It was not a task Yugamu enjoyed. He would do anything his Lord desired, would live off of the praise He gave him for completing any task. But why would one who claimed to love him ask him to do something that brought him pain?
It was…because only Yugamu could be trusted with the task?
That wasn’t it. Eito or Hiruko were just as capable of violence, and they enjoyed it no matter the target.
Then, it was about efficiency. Eito handled the humans, and Hiruko was fighting at their Lord’s side, so Yugamu needed to be the one to take care of the Futurans. If it would bring peace faster, he had to do it. He had to make his Lord’s dream a reality.
His dream was more important than any one individual’s life or happiness.
That…had his Lord always been like that? Had He always valued His own desires over everyone else’s?
No, of course not. He valued all of them so highly. He indulged them all the time. Any selfishness wasn’t His fault it was…
The drug.
Yugamu had…been the one to make Him like this, hadn’t he? For some reason, he hadn’t allowed himself to think about that for so long.
He’d given Him the pills that made his Godliness undeniable. He’d…changed Him into something new. Just like with Nozomi. Yugamu had morphed them into something else. His friends.
He’d tried to stop on his own before, to go back to how he was, and Yugamu had snuck more into his water. He’d drugged him. Takumi.
Takumi. His name was Takumi.
Yugamu blinked as the tears began to flow faster.
Takumi hadn’t wanted this. He’d tried to stop this. He wanted to be human, not a god, just a man. Yugamu had taken that choice away from him. He’d started him down a road he didn’t want to walk and had pushed him back onto it when he tried to get away.
Why? Why had he given Takumi those drugs in the first place?
He’d been…upset about Takemaru. He’d lost someone else dear to him, and just wanted to live in his grief for a bit.
Yugamu hadn’t allowed it. They needed their leader. They needed Takumi to feel confident in himself. Yugamu had wanted to see the effects of his creation.
Because of that selfishness, all of this had happened.
Takumi had to violate his boundaries to appease the lust of his friends. Takumi had to exist above when all he wanted was a normal life. Takumi had to watch his friends become shells of themselves who only existed to worship him. Takumi had to tolerate the most important person in his life being killed and replaced because it was too late to stop it.
Nozomi was already dead.
Nozomi. Nozomi. Nozomi.
He’d killed her. She’d screamed at him, begged him to stop, told him that she believed he wasn’t capable of that kind of evil, and he’d killed her.
Of course Takumi had changed. Of course he’d let himself rise above and stop seeing the rest of the SDU as his equals. They weren’t. Because of what Yugamu had done, none of them could find happiness outside of him. He’d become what they needed him to be because Yugamu hadn’t allowed him to be anything else.
Alone. He was all alone.
Yugamu had stolen everything from him. From the person he loved most in the world. From the person he’d made himself love. From the person he’d pressured into loving him.
Takumi had hated the rewards. They made him so uncomfortable. Over time, his boundaries had been forcibly worn away until he just gave them what they wanted. He let them use him because at least then they were happy. At least then he could pretend that some good had come from this.
Yugamu doubled over, sobs wracking his body.
He didn’t deserve to die in Takumi’s arms. He deserved to die here, alone in this pit.
Everyone he’d ever cared for, he’d destroyed. Some directly, some indirectly, it didn’t matter. They were gone because of him. Not even dead and at peace, but hollowed out, empty.
What Yugamu wouldn’t give to be empty again.
He couldn’t handle this. Every moment of joy in his real life was tainted with his sins.
Yugamu had called Takumi an angel the first time he’d seen him. Yugamu hadn’t known him, but the fear and care in Takumi’s eyes told him long before Takumi did that he wasn’t the first Yugamu he’d known.
Takumi had cared for him, and Yugamu had destroyed him. He’d destroyed Takumi’s entire world.
When was the last time a smile had fully reached Takumi’s eyes?
Years? Lifetimes? At the moment, Yugamu couldn’t picture a single one.
He was miserable. Yugamu had made him miserable. And for what? A curiosity? An experiment?
He was the most rotten piece of filth in the entire universe.
“Yugamu!? Yugamu!?”
The sun had risen and set once more by the time a sound other than Yugamu’s own sniffling cut through the wastes. Yugamu’s head slowly rose, trying to figure out if the sound was real or just another manifestation of a memory. When the searching, frantic cries didn’t stop, Yugamu swallowed a few times, trying to get some small bit of moisture into his throat.
“I…I’m here…”
His voice wasn’t nearly loud enough, but he couldn’t raise it further. In lieu of a better option, he grabbed a coin from his bag and tossed it into the air so it would glint in the sun. He hadn’t really expected it to work, but the shouting cut off abruptly then footsteps rapidly approached his location.
Yugamu raised his head as much as he could manage, and saw a fuzzy figure with bright red hair peering down at him.
“Takumi…?”
The figure startled. It took Yugamu a moment to remember why. When was the last time he’d heard anyone call him by his given name, let alone one of his inner circle? When was the last time he’d been human enough to have a name?
The agony built again, fast and hard.
“Takumi… Takumi… Takumi…” He collapsed into himself, shaking. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
Takumi stared down at him. He looked confused. He looked concerned.
“I did this to you. I made you like this. I forced you to be like this. I left you all alone. I took everyone you cared about away from you. I took Nozomi away from you. I killed her. I killed everyone. I turned them into husks that only wanted to use you. I turned myself into a husk that only wanted to use you. As if I hadn’t already taken enough. As if I hadn’t already taken everything. You cared for me, and I… I… Takumi…”
Yugamu’s tears blinded him. The pounding in his ears rendered him deaf. His only indication that Takumi had moved was the feeling of dirt sliding down his back. He blinked rapidly, trying to clear his vision, and saw Takumi in front of him, a rope tied around his waist that stretched back up and out of the pit.
That same look was on Takumi’s face. Confusion, concern. A hand cupped Yugamu’s cheek, and he wished he had the energy to recoil away from it. He didn’t deserve His touch.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I hurt you. I hurt you. I hurt you.”
Takumi’s hand retreated, and Yugamu’s traitorous heart craved it on him again. How dare he. He was unworthy. He’d hurt his Lord. He’d betrayed his God.
Strong arms pulled him into a tight embrace. Yugamu’s head was buried in his Lord’s shoulder so he could sob and shake against Him. A hand rubbed soothing circles on Yugamu’s back.
“It’s alright,” his Lord murmured into his ear.
How could he say that? How could it be alright? How could anything be alright ever again?
“You…didn’t know. You didn’t mean to.”
Yugamu gasped for air. His Lord clutched him tighter.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. Please don’t hate me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
He couldn’t even remember what he was apologizing for anymore, but he knew he needed to apologize. Every word out of his mouth should be an apology for the rest of his life.
“I do forgive you. I don’t hate you. You didn’t know it would turn out this way. You were trying to help me then. You weren’t yourself when you did everything else. It wasn’t your fault. I forgave you for all of it a long time ago.”
His Lord. His kind, benevolent, perfect Lord. Of course He forgave him. Of course He didn’t hate him. He was divine. He was above. Even someone as horrible as Yugamu would receive grace from Him.
“It’s okay,” his Lord soothed. “It’s all okay. It’s all going to be okay.”
His Lord pulled back ever so slightly from the embrace then closed the distance between them once again, lips pressing softly into Yugamu’s own. He melted into the touch as the fog that had been slowly building flooded his mind completely.
Why was he upset? His Lord was here. His Lord had come to rescue him.
“My Lord...” he gasped. “You…came for me…”
He smiled in the way he always did as he cupped Yugamu’s face once more. “Of course I did. I love you.”
A tear slid down Yugamu’s face. He didn’t understand why. His Lord brushed it away with a thumb, and kissed him again.
He was safe. He was loved. He was happy.
“I missed you so much…” Yugamu breathed.
His Lord pulled back and stood, turning away from Yugamu. He brought a hand up to His face, rubbing his own eyes before turning back to Yugamu. “I do too.” He swallowed. “I did too.” The usual smile returned to his face.
“Come on. Let’s get you home.”