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If this was another one of Kakashi's stupid pranks, there was going to be one less jonin in the world come tomorrow.
There's far more dedication in this one than in his others, Yamato will give him that. Kakashi's convinced most of Konoha to get involved. They're all really selling it too, the traitors. Not only have they all been talking about it for weeks, pretending to be excited and busying themselves with the preparations, they seem to all be here. Right now. In one place. Not on missions. Even non-shinobi showed up. Businesses closed for this.
It's just … does everyone in the village really think he's that stupid?
If they do, then Yamato desperately needs to work on his public image. Because, seriously, no one could be this dumb.
Yamato has spent weeks trapped in the woods with Naruto, on various missions and other training assignments. They went through the bulk of the Akatsuki's hunt for the Nine Tails together. Trained so that Naruto could make the Rasen-Shuriken together. Spent weeks trapped on a boat together.
They've gone through all of that and more, and never once — through any of it — has Yamato in his whole, damn life heard —
"Hinata is going to be the most beautiful bride, don't you think?"
The name Hinata fucking Hyūga.
But, apparently, that's the name on everyone's mind today.
Yamato politely agrees with the seventeenth random villager who has said some variation of that to him in the past hour that, yes, of course, Hinata is going to look lovely today, then wades deeper into the crowd.
And, ok, maybe never heard is a bit of an exaggeration. Hinata is a fine young konoichi. She's a prominent member of her clan, a credit to the village, and a kind person. He's certainly never heard the name from Naruto though. In all the years they've been taking on assignments together, the only person Yamato has ever heard him talk about is —
"Sasuke would've loved to be here today," Naruto says while wistfully looking off into the distance.
Ok, see, now that? That makes sense. This Yamato knows how he would handle.
He would go over there, give the kid a version of the same speech he worked out about three months into being on a team together that gets Naruto to stop thinking about Sasuke for a second, then boom. Thirty six to seventy two hours of Sasuke-free bliss until it's speech time again.
Muscle memory almost sends him over to give the speech now, but Kakashi and Iruka are already with Naruto. The two of them make pained eye contact at each other over the top of Naruto's head in a way that lets Yamato know that they're silently arguing about which one of them has to give the speech.
Well, better them than him. If they were going to commit this hard to pranking Yamato, then they had to give Naruto the speech.
Iruka probably helped plan this. That's why everyone's so committed. The whole town loves Iruka. They'd never do all this for Kakashi, even if he is Hokage. But with Iruka, their tomfoolery would have a fighting chance. Iruka used to be a prankster, too. This sort of thing is right up his alley. Add in that Yamato had seen Iruka and Kakashi all over town together pretending to be having "meetings" (the two of them are not subtle, the only thing their "meetings" accomplish is giving each of them some fresh hickies and whichever ANBU is unfortunate enough to be guarding Kakashi a case for workman's comp) about the damn thing, it was the only explanation that made sense.
Well, Yamato decides that this whole thing has gone far enough. Hinata is a good kid. There's no reason to put her through all this for some silly prank. He steadies himself, then marches over to where the three of them are standing, ready to give each of them a piece of his mind.
"Alright, now I think that the three of —"
"Oh, Yamato-taichou!" Naruto beams up at him. "Thank you for being here today to support me and Hinata. It really means a lot."
There are tears in his eyes. Actual, literal, real-life tears. Yamato has seen Naruto attempt undercover missions. And attempt is the operative word, because he bombs all of them. Naruto is a lot of things. Subtle isn't one of them. If he's been holding out these acting chops the whole time, then they need to have a serious conversation about him pulling his weight on missions.
Music begins playing near the ceremony area, the soft sounds of a quartet of stringed instruments, ushering guests towards their seats.
Naruto wipes away his tears and turns to face the building Hinata has been getting ready in. "That's my cue. I'll see you out there." Then runs towards the woman (???) that he's about to marry (????).
"I should get going, too." Iruka straightens. "I just really hope that it all goes well. Everyone's been working so hard and I —"
"Iruka, everything is going to be perfect," Kakashi interrupts, then winks at him (which, it's weird to be able to tell he's doing that now) and Iruka's face flushes before he turns on his heel and walks after Naruto. Yamato watches Kakashi watch the spot where Iruka was just standing.
"So you two —" He starts, but is quickly interrupted.
"Are not the point of the day, Tenzo."
They glare at each other for approximately eleven seconds before Yamato accepts that this is going to be a stalemate.
"Come on," Kakashi continues, sensing his victory. "We should take our seats before all the ones in the front get stolen."
He thumps Yamato on the shoulder then begins walking. Yamato jogs to catch up with him.
Ok, seriously, even Naruto can't have this many friends. The venue is the size of an amphitheater and almost every seat in it is already full. Sakura waves at them from the front row, indicating a few empty seats to her left that she seems to have saved for them. Naturally, Kakashi and Iruka need to give Yamato prime seating to watch their glorious prank unfold up close and personal.
"There you two are! I was afraid you were gonna miss the ceremony."
"Oh, trust me, Sakura." Is Kakashi giggling? "I wouldn't miss this for the world."
Oh, come on!
Kakashi can't even keep a straight face anymore. He's too excited about his damn prank, he can't even let the stupid fucking thing start before he goes and ruins it. What an idiot.
Or … wait … No.
There's — there's no way that Kakashi is genuinely crying at this. Yamato knows that Kakashi's tell when trying to fake cry is to look into the nearest light source, but he isn't doing that right now. His eyes are trained downward toward his knees, his hands tightly gripping the fabric there.
He's actually just staring at the ground and trying not to let himself cry about this.
This can't be good.
The quartet of musicians wind down the song they're playing, then take a pause long enough to be noticed. When they resume playing, it's with a familiar tune that tends to mean the start of the ceremony.
Hinata's family is the first to enter, just her dad and her sister, walking serenely in time with the music. Which, surely, this must be Genma in a henge or something. No way that head of the Hyūga Clan was making time in his incredibly busy schedule to help Kakashi and Iruka prank Yamato. The man is also incredibly buttoned up, to put it politely. Wouldn't he consider pranks to be beneath him or something? The two Hyūga are followed by Iruka, who has a huge smile plastered across his face as he walks down the aisle, before going to stand on the opposite side.
The first of the couple to make their appearance is Naruto. The haori they've assigned to him as his wardrobe is very realistic, Yamato can admit. It sells the illusion well. The sight almost makes Yamato emotional, thinking about the day that Naruto eventually has his real wedding and gets to finally marry Sasuke. Naruto has done so much for the village since Yamato has known him. Saved it more times than he can count. As his comrade, it will be Yamato's great honor to see Naruto start the next chapter of his life with the person he loves.
That's why Yamato would very much like some indication that everyone else here also knows that the person Naruto should be riding off into the sunset with is Sasuke.
Maybe that was the prank. Maybe it was actually Sasuke that was about to walk out. And Kakashi had tricked Yamato into thinking Hinata was the other spouse today, when, really he and everyone else knew that it was actually Sasuke.
Because, obviously, it's Sasuke.
As Naruto passes Kiba, Lee, and Choji, the trio breaks out into cheers — whooping in excitement for Naruto. Naruto blushes nervously, scratching at the back of his neck as he makes it to the end of the aisle. Normally, Naruto is fine with being the center of attention. Prefers it, even. Today he seems worried about causing a scene — that it might be inappropriate somehow.
Strangely, Guy picks up on this too. He leans over to the boys and, at a normal whisper, tells them that if they do that when Hinata walks in or at any time before the end of the ceremony when they're all asked to cheer, he will open the Eighth Gate and show no mercy for ruining Naruto and Hinata's Most Special Day of Passionate and Fiery Youth.
It is at this moment that it occurs to Yamato for the first time that he might actually be at a real wedding right now.
The doors at the back of the venue open once again. This time everyone rises from their seats, turning toward the entryway that Hinata Hyūga stands in the center of. The attention flusters her, the blush obvious across her pale skin. When Hinata walks past him down the aisle, Yamato fights down the same choked up feeling he had when Naruto passed him.
The last person to join the happy "couple" near the front of the venue is Shikamaru, who enters from a small side door closer to the altar. He gestures for everyone to sit down, which they all do.
"On behalf of Naruto, Hinata, and their families, I'd like to thank all of you for being here today." Shikamaru starts. "It's an immense privilege for a shinobi to live long enough to make it to the marriage altar, and these two have certainly been through more than their fair share of trials and tribulations to get to this point."
Understatement.
"It's been my great honor as both of their friends to be by their sides during it." He turns towards Naruto. "Naruto, I still remember our first day at the Academy. You made quite an impression, kissing Sasuke in front of everyone before class started."
They've kissed?!
Sasuke and Naruto have kissed already? With witnesses?!
The people around Yamato laugh politely at the silly childhood anecdote (the kind of story that is usually saved for ribbing the groom during the best man speech, not as the opening of the ceremony, but, whatever). None of them seem surprised by this information. So everybody in the whole village knew that those two have kissed already, and no one thought that was information that would have been helpful information for Yamato, the man who has had to talk Naruto off a Sasuke-shaped ledge at least once a week for the past two years, to know?
"But Hinata has always seen through Naruto's childhood goofiness to the man he is underneath. Someone who is strong, compassionate, and will one day be a great leader to the village."
Shikamaru keeps talking, but the only thought in Yamato's head is that the two idiots have kissed already. He'd assumed when Naruto talked about kissing Sasuke it was more the idea of kissing Sasuke. A goal he had for the future once he got the love of his life back to Konoha — or that he'd had another dream about kissing Sasuke.
This changes everything. That means Naruto and Sasuke were already together when Sasuke defected from Konoha and went missing-nin. No wonder Naruto has been so willing to go to the ends of the earth to find him. Losing your first love can certainly push someone to illogical extremes, and everything about Naruto's relentless pursuit of Sasuke certainly defies any logic.
"The couple has decided to write their own vows to profess their love and commitment to one another."
Shikamaru reaches into a pocket on the inside of his vest and pulls out a sheet of paper that he hands to Naruto.
Surely this has to be the point where the jig is up. It'd be insane to drag this prank on any longer. They're almost halfway through the ceremony now. It's not like they were actually gonna go through with this …
Right?
Naruto takes a moment to collect himself before facing the crowd and beginning. "I want to once again thank everyone for being here today. When I look out at all of you, I see people who have helped shape me into a person I'm proud to be. Through walking side by side and sharing in your struggles and your joys, I've come to truly understand hard work, sacrifice, perseverance. The most important of all though, is love. Love is something that I've learned the most about from you …"
Speeches have always been one of Naruto's strong suits. When he's passionate about something, his words have a way of stirring that same passion and sincerity in others. Yamato even starts to feel the pull himself. The sentimentality of the day and the ritual of —
"Sasuke."
Yamato slaps a hand over his own mouth so hard that his teeth rattle.
Did Naruto actually just say the wrong name at the altar? Well, no. He's clearly said the right name, it's just not the name of the person standing across from him that's wearing a wedding dress.
What should Yamato do? Should he wait for Sasuke to come to the altar? Is it a cry for help? Does Naruto need to be saved? It's hard to put a rescue operation together on the fly, but maybe if —
"It's through loving you unconditionally that I've come to know what love is, and that's why I'm here today with my future wife, Hinata."
Yamato is going to kill someone. He's not even super picky about who at this point, he just needs an outlet for the seething rage coursing through his veins right now.
This has to be deliberate. A deliberate, targeted attempt to make Yamato lose his mind.
No one else is causing a scene, and Yamato will not give Kakashi the satisfaction of seeing how much his stupid prank is getting to him. He thinks back to his ANBU training, when Ibiki lead the new recruits through a unit on tactics for resisting enemy torture methods. Yamato takes several deep breaths, and forces himself to calm the fuck down.
"Hinata, you are more than I could ever deserve. I love … being with you so much."
He can't be serious right now. Naruto couldn't even muster an I love you at the altar? He'd been so committed to the prank up until that point. Apparently the thought of telling anyone but Sasuke I love you is too much of a challenge, even for him.
The rest of Naruto's vows go on without issue. Yamato even sees Kakashi sneakily pass Sakura a few tissues he had hidden in his Hokage robes to help her wipe away her tears. As she brings her hand to her face, her sleeve falls down slightly to reveal a bracelet that looks almost identical to the one Hinata has on now. Maybe they picked them out together.
Shikamaru takes the piece of paper from Naruto, puts it back on the inside pocket, and pulls out a second sheet of paper from the other side that he hands to Hinata. She thumbs at the corners of the paper, her eyes trained down towards the floor.
Speaking in front of this many people is clearly a daunting ask. It must have taken someone she cares about very deeply to convince her to do this. It was probably Sakura. The two of them have been spending more time together recently. Whether it's dinner at Ichiraku, sparring sessions, walks around the village, or Sakura offering to let Hinata move in with her while she and Naruto were waiting on their new apartment to be ready (even more of a generous gesture since Sakura's apartment only has one bedroom), they seem to be joined at the hip these days.
"Naruto."
At least one of them has the sense to start their vows with the name of their future spouse.
"I'm honored to stand here by your side, in front of our family, friends, and village, as we join in marriage today. You are endlessly loyal and courageous and strong. I promise to love and support you in all that you do, and to work hard by your side to grow into the best version of myself."
Her vows are sincere and succinct and sweet. Exactly what one would expect from the heir to the Hyūga clan. She's clearly nervous as she continues speaking, but doing her best to hide it. Sakura sends her an encouraging glance, which seems to do wonders.
Once she finishes, she hands her paper back to Shikamaru, who tucks it away for her.
Shikamaru looks out into the audience, addressing the guests directly. "If anyone knows a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace."
Oh, Yamato can think of several reasons why these two should not be wed. For one, Naruto is not in love with Hinata. For two, Naruto is very obviously in love with Sasuke, and has been for years. For three, this whole thing is a prank to mess with him specifically. For four, Kakashi doesn't deserve the satisfaction of —
"Then, since there are no objections."
Fuck.
He was too busy listing off objections in his head that he forgot to object out loud.
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfu—
"By the power vested in me by the Rokudamine Hokage and the village of Konohagakure, I now pronounce you two husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."
It's official. Yamato is a horrible person. He just let this travesty become legally binding and didn't say a damn thing. Now it's too late.
The band picks up their playing with a lively tune. Everyone around him is cheering. Clapping and whooping and celebrating the newlyweds. A small fleet of doves is released towards the masses. Flying in perfect order as they form a large heart in the sky.
The cacophony of the moment is almost enough to distract from the fact that instead of kissing the bride, as instructed, Naruto and Hinata just … stare at each other for a second. Both of them blushing awkwardly as if they don't know what to do, even though they were literally told exactly what to do. Then, in a truly unprecedented move, Naruto sticks out his hand and Hinata shakes it.
Because the only person Naruto has ever kissed is Sasuke, and he's clearly dedicated to maintaining that streak. Even though he's (apparently???) married to someone else now.
Yamato walks out of the venue feeling like a shell of himself. Everyone is … too committed to this prank. They went through with the full wedding. No one jumped out in the middle of the ceremony to be like Just kidding! Obviously this is fake, here's Sasuke! Naruto is … actually married. To a woman. He can't believe it.
No.
He doesn't believe it. He will not give up this easily. That's just what Kakashi and Iruka want. To lull him into a false sense of acceptance that this wedding is real, only to make the reveal later even more surprising. Well, Yamato is not going to let that happen. Nope. Nuh uh. Not today. Not now. Not ever.
They're probably just waiting until the reception. That's the most dramatic place for the revelation that this is all a prank.
That means he just has to make it through cocktail hour.
It's being hosted in a large outdoor pavilion that feels more like a garden than an event space. There's glasses of beer and wine ready and waiting when the guests start arriving. Not to mention, a ridiculous amount of food. Mountains and mountains of hors d'oeuvres being passed around on trays.
At least Kakashi and Iruka had the decency to properly cater their prank. Yamato's starving.
He'd been hoping to spend cocktail hour interrogating Kakashi about everything, but he's the Hokage, so of course, he's getting pulled in a million different directions at what has turned into the social event of the century. Yamato could talk to Guy, but he and Lee seem to be in the middle of a very passionate conversation about how beautiful the Springtime of Youth is that he has no desire to interrupt. Iruka is too busy doing whatever families do at fake weddings to even attend cocktail hour. Most of his other ANBU friends are on duty securing the event.
So Yamato just sort of … stands there.
Maybe this is all just an elaborate dream that he needs to wake up from. Yamato takes a flute of champagne and splashes it in his own face.
Nope.
Still here.
Great.
Yamato scans the crowd and sees Shikamaru off in the distance staring up at the sky, a small cloud of smoke floating in the air around him. He goes to stand beside him and wordlessly holds his fingers out. Shikamaru huffs to himself, but pulls out a pack of cigarettes and passes one to Yamato, along with his lighter.
It's gonna be a long night.
He takes another drag of his cigarette and watches as cocktail hour unfolds before him. People laughing and smiling together, catching up and exchanging stories. The kids from Naruto's year are the most exuberant of the bunch. All of them shine brightest when they're together. Even if this is a prank, it's nice to see them all so happy.
The music shifts and signals that it's time for the reception. Yamato follows the crowd inside. The reception hall is a sprawling space with a large dance floor in the center, flanked by easily forty five large tables. There's a smaller one on the far side of the space, a sweetheart table for Naruto and Hinata.
It takes him a second, but he finally finds his assigned table with some of the other jonin-sensei. Guy, Kurenai, and Ebisu are already there, but there are place cards for Genma, Anko, Izumo, and Kotetsu too. There's so many people here, he hasn't seen half of them since the ceremony started.
He catches sight of Kakashi and Iruka at a table with Hinata's family not too far away. Kakashi tilts his head to one side and smiles back at him creepily. He definitely has something else planned for this, the bastard.
The static of a microphone calls everyone's attention towards Shikamaru, standing at the front of the room. "It's my great honor to announce the happy couple. Everyone, please welcome Naruto and Hinata!"
The doors to the hall open wide and everyone cheers as Naruto and Hinata make their grand entrance. They walk hand in hand, smiling and waving as they make their way to the head table. Shikamaru invites Hiashi and Iruka up to give a welcome speech. Hiashi's presence fills the room, commanding the space before he even makes it to the front. He gives the bulk of the speech, thanking everyone once again for being here to celebrate his daughter and new son in law.
Genma is two seats over from Yamato, so it looks like his Hiashi Hyūga isn't actually here, it's just Genma in a henge theory isn't holding much water. One of them could be a shadow clone. If that's the case, Yamato would be willing to put money on the Genma next to him being the clone, since it'd be far worse for the illusion if the father of the bride vanished in the middle of everything.
Yamato pretends to stretch his arms behind his head, but only to hide the small, wooden senbon he produces from the tip of his finger, then launches towards Genma, hitting him square in the center of his back. Genma flinches, but doesn't disappear into a puff of smoke.
Damn.
Iruka's portion of the speech is much shorter than Hiashi's, but he makes up for it with endearing enthusiasm. He echoes all of Hiashi's sentiments with an extra of his own — a hope that everyone's hungry, because it wouldn't be a celebration involving Naruto without Ichiraku Ramen.
A group of chefs, all led by Teuchi, start making their way to the tables, passing out large bowls of piping hot ramen to each guest. Yamato digs into his bowl. Ichiraku really is as good as everyone says.
As dinner starts to wind down, Shikamaru once again grabs the mic, this time to invite the couple to the dance floor for their first dance.
Well, the only thing more embarrassing for Naruto than that time he woke up in a cold sweat after dreaming about Sasuke, is whatever he's about to do on the dance floor. For all his skills in taijutsu, you'd think he'd have an ounce of rhythm in him, but the kid's hopeless. Truly an astounding lack of musicality. Then again, it's not like Yamato has much room to talk. He's better than Naruto, but not by much.
The musicians start up a slow ballad as Naruto extends his hand for Hinata to take and they begin dancing. It's … something. Just as awkward as Yamato expected, but it's obvious the two of them are at least having fun. Smiling and giggling together, both in on the joke that is Naruto's dancing.
The unmistakable sound of doors being thrown open cuts through the music, pulling everyone's attention with it. A lone shadowed figure standing in the now open doorway. It's hard to say, but that cloak … and the spiky hair … is that …
"… Sasuke?"
Naruto finds the name first, his voice shaky and stunned. Sasuke stands motionless in the doorway, but the twitch of his jaw and slight flush across his cheeks betray him. He's flustered by all the attention.
"Sorry I'm a little late."
"Sasuke!"
Naruto takes off at a sprint toward Sasuke. The music of Naruto's first dance song continues in the background, swelling in time with Naruto pulling Sasuke into a tight hug, lifting him off his feet, and spinning him around. Were the musicians seriously not going to stop for this?
"You're here. I can believe you made it. I thought you were —"
"I'm here now," Sasuke interrupts. "Aren't I?"
Naruto's whole face goes crimson. "Yeah."
Ok. This has escalated from elaborate prank to fully trying to convince Yamato that he's insane.
Which, he is not. Yamato is simply holding the line of normalcy that the rest of the village has apparently given up on. Because how, in the hell, is Naruto going to interrupt his first dance with his new wife to go twirl Sasuke around the second he gets to the function, and no one thinks that it should maybe be those two getting married?
"Wow," Guy sighs next to him, his voice filled with respectful awe. "Their friendship is truly one for the ages."
Yamato has no choice. He has to kill Kakashi. That's the only way to make this nightmare stop.
Sure, it'll be sad to be wanted for the murder of the Hokage and have to go missing-nin after so many years of ANBU service, but at least if he's on his own he won't have to live in a village full of lunatics who are unable to recognize clear and obvious homosexuality right in front of them. Which doesn't make any fucking sense anyways, because half the village is gay. They should all be seeing the same signs that he is.
"They really are a perfect match, don't you think?" Every word that Guy says is another kunai he's stabbing Kakashi with later. "Like a fire with a perfect wind to magnify it."
Yamato is too sober for this.
As everyone around him applauds as the musicians finish their song and go back to mingling, he makes a beeline for Tsunade a few tables over. She's in the middle of a conversation with Shizune when Yamato interrupts them and says, "I will give you all the money in Kakashi's wallet right now in exchange for whatever flask you have on you."
Shizune's eyes bugle out of her skull, but Yamato can't tell if it's at him offering to rob the Hokage or at the flask Tsunade pulls out of her sleeve. Yamato goes to reach for the flask, but Tsunade yanks it back before he can.
"Wallet first."
He huffs, then goes through the signs to create a quasi-hand out of the wood of Kakashi's chair that grabs the wallet. The branch extends away from Kakashi, weaving past the other guests and bringing the wallet over to Yamato. This time, it's Tsunade who reaches out first, but Yamato is quick to pull it out of reach.
"Same time."
Tsunade says nothing, but slowly brings the flask forward, waiting for Yamato to do the same. He matches her movements, and after a few tense seconds, they swap objects, each fulfilling their half of the bargain.
While Tsunade counts her winnings, Yamato takes as big of a gulp as he can manage. Her stuff is strong. Seriously, how does she drink this? It's definitely causing some kind of rash on the inside of his throat, but the alternative is sobriety, so Yamato keeps chugging like his life depends on it.
"Easy there," Tsunade cautions, taking the flask out of his hands.
"How much did you have?!" Shizune's so worried for him, but honestly, Yamato's fine. Great, even. This is the best he's felt all day. The prank induced stress-migraine is starting to go away, his muscles feel relaxed and easy, his —
Tsunade flips the flask upside down. It's empty.
Shizune stares at him in abject horror. There's a modicum of respect in Tsunade's eyes, but it's mostly more abject horror.
"Well …" She says slowly. "Let me put it to you this way. As a medi-nin, I'm going to tell you to drink as much water as you can between now and tomorrow morning if you want to try to avoid having the worst hangover of your life. As the person who gave you that flask, I'm going to tell you that it won’t matter because there's no way in hell you're avoiding a hangover tomorrow." She pats him on the shoulder, and leaves him to contemplate his fate.
A hangover sounds somewhat promising. He could always be so fucked up tomorrow that the forgets all about this.
Probably not though. That would be too kind.
There's an announcement from the band that the dance floor is open. People start to make their way towards the center of the room, a lively tune filling the room. Dancing isn't really Yamato's thing. He much prefers to watch his friends dance than to do it himself. He'll just —
Oh. Oh no. Why are his feet moving? And his hips. They're swaying. Oh no. This is bad. This is the worst. This is … the best idea Yamato has ever had!
He comes alive on the dance floor. Positively tearing it up and showing the kids how it's done, if he does say so himself. If there's a dance circle, Yamato is pushing his way to the center of it. If there's a line dance, he's leading it. This is the best thing that's happened all day. He definitely won't regret any of this tomorrow.
After sixteen songs at maximum intensity, Yamato is drenched in sweat. And still hasn't had any water. He should find some of that. That's smart. Smart thing to do. Yamato's smart. He's smarter than everyone in the village. He's the only one that knows they're at a fake wedding right now.
Kakashi's commitment to this prank is truly on a whole other level. Normally, the Hokage is so busy balancing standings between the other villages, trying to avoid war, and combating external threats that they wouldn't have time for something like this. Peace time is different, apparently.
There's so much sweat that Yamato can feel it squelching in his socks as he walks. It's gross. He really needs to find some water. He makes his way to the edge of the dance floor and does an awesome job of not bumping into people. Someone behind him is yelling about watching where you're going, but surely they can't be talking to him.
The table closest to the dance floor has several half-finished glasses of water scattered about. Yamato downs all of them. The water definitely helps him catch his breath, but does nothing to combat the sweat. There's gotta be a bathroom around here somewhere. He'll just go splash some water on his face or try to blot away all the sweat or something. That'll help.
Thankfully, there are large signs that clearly point out the path to the bathroom. Unthankfully, those signs are custom made for the occasion and are large portraits of Naruto and Hinata pointing. Yamato begrudgingly follows the signs.
It's just so stupid. How did Iruka and Kakashi even think of this? Why get the whole village to prank just him? Who do they think they are, conspiring against Yamato like this? Fuck them. Fuck all of them. Fuck Kakashi. Fuck Iruka. Fuck the village. Fuck weddings. Fuck the concept of marriage. Fuck Sasuke Uchiha. And, most of all —
"Fuck, Naruto."
Who said that? Yamato didn't say that.
"Mmm, yes, yes. Sasuke, that feels so good."
Yamato definitely didn't say that.
He takes a moment to better scan his surroundings. There's no one else in the hallway with him. But there are … sounds. Suspicious sounds. Coming from the bathroom. He moves with all the precision he can muster. Nearing the bathroom door. Pushing it open a centimeter at a time. Just enough for him to stick his head through the opening to see —
No one is ever allowed to doubt Yamato again, for any reason, ever.
He knew there was something going on between Naruto and Sasuke. They're practically fused at the mouth right now, kissing with a fervor that Yamato would personally describe as more traumatizing than literal war. There are clothes strewn all over the bathroom. Cloaks and haori and undershirts covering the floor and sink counter. Strangely Sasuke's shoes seem nowhere to be found. As do Naruto's pants.
Yamato needs to leave. Now.
He closes the door as quickly and quietly as he can before sending a prayer out to any higher power listening to please let his hangover be so horrific tomorrow that he wakes up with no recollection of what he just saw. The only thing he cares about remembering is that he was right. He was so absolutely, fully, and completely right. Yamato has never felt more vindicated about anything.
The two of them had all the advantages. Time and planning and the commitment of the village. But Yamato never caved. He stood by what he knew to be true, and now he has proof he was right all along. Certifiable, undeniable proof that this whole wedding is fake.
He needs to tell everyone.
Kakashi and Iruka are his first targets. The look on their faces when they realize they can't keep telling Yamato it isn’t a prank anymore and the whole charade is finally up is going to be priceless.
They aren't hard to find once Yamato re-enters the main event space. Kakashi's stark white robes and pointy red hat are pretty hard to miss. Iruka is right next to him too. This is perfect. Yamato marches a war path directly towards them. Nothing can stand in his way now.
"You!" Yamato snags Kakashi by the shoulder, yanking him away from Iruka, and pokes him squarely in the center of his chest. "You think you're so clever, don't you?"
He shrugs. "Generally."
"But you know who's smarter?" The excitement is palpable throughout Yamato's whole body. It hurries his words and stutters his movements. He is electric with anticipation.
Kakashi thinks for a moment. "Probably just Shikamaru."
"Me!" Yamato points to himself, really driving the point home. "I'm smarter. Because I knew. The whole time! I didn't believe it for a second."
"What did you know, Tenzo?" Kakashi sighs wearily.
Even Kakashi calling him that name in public when he absolutely shouldn't can't bring him down right now. Not when he's about to reveal —
"That this was all a prank!"
They just … blink at him. The mask of genuine confusion not slipping at all. They're both so stubborn! Still holding onto the illusion, even now that they've been caught.
Iruka puts a gentle hand on Yamato's shoulder. "Why don't we get you some water? You seem a little … uhm …"
He looks to Kakashi for help. Probably trying to come up with a way to salvage their prank, but it's too late. Yamato brushes his hand away.
"Don't lie. It's not real. None of this is real."
The marriage isn't real. The venue isn't real. The people aren't real. Even all the decorations aren't real. Yamato grabs the closest thing to him — a large vase of flowers — and smashes it on the ground.
Iruka balks at the pile of shattered ceramic at their feet. "That's a rental!"
"It's a prop! For this prank that you've been planning for months, and somehow managed to get the whole village on board with, just to make me think I'm crazy."
Iruka sighs in a way that makes Yamato feel like a pre-genin. "Look, I don't know how you got it in your head that this wedding is fake, but it is very real. Naruto and Hinata are in love —"
"Then why did I just find Naruto and Sasuke making out in the bathroom?"
"You WHAT?!"
Finally! That's the look he wanted. His prize for not falling for this ridiculous prank. Iruka's jaw hangs open, his eyes are wide and wild — a frantic panic coursing through him now that they have no choice but to come clean about the whole thing.
"Yep." Yamato crosses his arms over his chest smugly. "Caught your two lead actors in the act, literally, and now the whole prank is —"
"Yamato."
Iruka is … serious. Really serious. This doesn't feel right. Something is very, very off here. Serious isn't even the right word — Iruka is scary. Downright terrifying, actually. There isn't an ounce of warmth or concern or confusion left in him. Just bone chilling rage. Iruka grabs him by his collar and yanks him forward.
"What. Did. You. See?"
The words come out as a jumbled stream of consciousness before Yamato has a chance to stop them. "I didn't mean to, I swear. I just needed to go to the bathroom, but when I went in there Naruto and Sasuke were all over each other. They were kissing and there were lots of noises and they were saying things and Naruto's haori was in the sink and Sasuke wasn't wearing any shoes and —"
"Enough." Iruka cuts him off sternly. He releases his grip on Yamato's shirt and scrubs his hands down his face. The initial shock fading to a low, simmering panic. "Kakashi, the wedding, it's all … Fuck! What am I going to tell Hinata? She'll be crushed. I … this is horrible. What the fuck was Naruto thinking?"
Iruka is no jinchuriki, but just saying the kid's name swaths him in a visible cloud of anger that could rival any Tailed Beast Cloak. Some people see red when they get mad — Iruka is red. Fury and rage radiating off him as he starts marching in the direction of the bathrooms. The last thing Yamato hears him yell is, "When I find him!" before he disappears into the hall.
The silence Iruka leaves in his wake has the same cold shock of taking an ice bath.
There's no excuse. Yamato is a horrible person. He was so blinded by his confidence that this was all fake, he didn't even stop to consider the possible ramifications of his actions. Guilt and dread sink like boulders in his stomach. He's completely ruined the marriage of two people he cares about and they haven't even finished the reception. Tears of regret prick the corners of his eyes.
It's all too much.
He turns to Kakashi, still standing wordlessly beside him. Kakashi didn't have much to say about Yamato's accusation that this whole thing was a prank, and doesn't seem to have anything else to say.
"Aren't you going to go help him track down Sasuke and Naruto?" Yamato prompts.
He shakes his head slightly. "There's no need."
"Yes, there is. Naruto is actively cheating on his wife!"
Ok, maybe he shouldn't yell that. Thankfully, everyone is too busy dancing to notice Yamato freaking out about blowing up a marriage in the corner.
Kakashi hums to himself. "Somehow, I don't think Hinata will mind very much."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
Even in the midst of a crisis, Kakashi still has the audacity to be annoying. Jackass.
"When was the last time you saw Hinata?"
Yamato rolls his eyes and groans audibly. "Stop talking in riddles. I'm too drunk for this. What do you know?"
"Because the last time that I saw Hinata was about an hour after dinner. In the staff hallway. Making out with Sakura."
No fucking way.
Yamato frantically scans the reception hall, and finds no sign of Hinata or Sakura anywhere. It's not like Hinata to flake on responsibilities, and being the guest of honor at a wedding the entire village is invited to is certainly a big one. Whereas Naruto is liable to get sidetracked at the drop of a hat, she's definitely the more grounded of the two.
He can't believe he didn't put the pieces together about her and Sakura on his own. There had been signs of them growing closer, but he hadn't realized that this was the extent of it.
Yamato gasps, the final gear clicking into place.
"You knew. This whole time you knew that they were both …" Involved with people who aren't their fiancés, is what Yamato thinks but doesn't say. He makes a vague pointing gesture instead, hoping that gets the general idea across. "But wait, then why did you give them a marriage license?"
Kakashi is too calm about Sakura and Hinata to have found out for the first time an hour ago. Yamato's gut tells him that Kakashi has known about this for a while.
"Oh, I didn't.” Yamato gives him a look that says I am so fucking plastered right now, for the love of all that is holy, speak in full sentences. Kakashi keeps talking. “The license I gave them isn’t valid. It looks like it is, but some of the fine print is off, making the whole thing null and void. But no one’s going to find out until about five, ten years from now. Give or take."
Seriously? Some doctored fine print was the only thing standing between those two and winding up divorced before twenty?
"Shikamaru didn't notice the license was fake when he signed it as the officiant?"
"No, he noticed." His voice lilts as he adds, "He's smarter than me, remember?"
How did this man get elected Hokage? Yamato asks the same higher power who is hopefully taking care of wiping the sight of Naruto and Sasuke sucking face from earlier to please let him remember to go to the Record's Room tomorrow to see what the rules for getting a Hokage impeached are.
“That’s why, in a way, this whole thing is actually Shikamaru’s idea.”
He stares at Kakashi slack jawed. Shikamaru is the one behind all of Yamato’s psychological distress ever since this thing got announced? Yamato has speed run the seven stages of grief no less than twelve times tonight, and invented at least three new ones just since the reception started. He can't take much more of this.
Kakashi senses his confusion, and decides to level with him.
“Look, the Council hasn’t been my biggest fan ever since I was named Hokage. They’re fine with the work I do, but it’s no secret that they want the next Hokage to be someone more traditional. Married. Preferably with children who have inherited their kekkei genkai. Not exactly something Naruto has much interest in. Then there’s Hinata, who is in a similar situation within her clan. Thankfully for all of us, Shikamaru had the bright idea to orchestrate this wedding and let the Council think that it’s real until they inevitably die of old age.
“Once they’re out of the picture, the Records Room will mysteriously get an anonymous tip that the paperwork was improperly filed, so Naruto and Hinata were never actually married, and they’ll both be free to go off and actually marry the people they’ve been in love with the whole time. By that time, they’ll be in charge of the village and the clan, respectively, and will be able to change and mold it into a more accepting place. I gave them many, many chances to not go through with this, but they didn't take them, and now here we are. Inconvenienced and out millions of ryō, sure, but that's a worthy price to pay for the valuable lesson I think we've all learned here today."
Yamato stares at Kakashi like he's an idiot.
"We haven't learned anything today!"
"Sure we have. We've learned the importance of being honest and talking about our feelings before letting the Hokage and his lover —"
"Gross."
"— plan a wedding for you."
So Kakashi, evil mastermind and second coming of the Akatsuki, let all of this happen, knowing that it would inevitably crash and burn, just because the council needed a lavender marriage to let Naruto be Hokage and the Hyūga needed one to let Hinata be clan head?
Finding out that this whole thing had nothing to do with him does, begrudgingly, make Yamato feel a little better. Yeah, feeling like he was being slowly and methodically gaslit did irreparable damage to his psyche, but that's nothing compared to the fallout that's coming. This took months to plan. It involved the heir to one of Konoha's most prominent clans and the son of the Fourth Hokage, Hero of the Hidden Leaf. People cared a lot about this wedding. Iruka especially has driven himself crazy with getting this put together, and he clearly didn't know anything about this if his witch hunt for Naruto is anything to go off of.
"Iruka is gonna be pissed at you. You know that, right?"
Kakashi smirks under his mask. "Oh, I'm counting on it."
Ok. That's it. He can't keep getting away with this.
Yamato punches Kakashi square in the jaw and body flickers back to the village before any of the ANBU can stop him.
The walk home is meandering and unhurried. The streets are completely deserted with everyone still at the wedding. No ANBU come and drag him off to T&I, which he assumes means that Kakashi told them to chock the punch up to a drunken mishap. That or they're all busy trying to keep Iruka from killing Kakashi himself after figuring out he spent all that time planning a wedding for a couple that was never going to last. Yamato honestly doesn't care which.
After probably the longest (and definitely the weirdest) day of his life, Yamato lets himself into his apartment, downs seven pain killers, puts three glasses of water on his bedside table for the morning, and goes the fuck to sleep.