Work Text:
There were two weirdos in the Walmart at 2:19AM. To which one may say, anyone who goes to Walmart at 2 in the morning is weird. Which is true. But these two were weird in a way different from drunk college students or people who are just from an entirely different genre of existence.
Lynn very subtly glances at them from behind the counter. One of them, wearing a striking red helmet, has enough suspicious lumps under his heavy leather jacket that Jaime would have mentally noted him as a bad shoplifter and promptly looked the other way, if not for the fact that the handle of a gun peeked out from the top of his pants as he stepped forward. The other looked like a Superman cosplayer who had only seen Superman in a dream and filled in the gaps with his imagination.
The pair wander past the shelves where Lynn could directly see them, so she looks at the clock again. 2:20AM. She sighs, and opens up Snake again.
After a couple of extremely embarrassing Snake games (she could barely keep her eyes open, and the keys were sticky and not placed the same as her laptop—), the pair she’d mentally bookmarked came back. Lynn blinked. The Super one was… taller? She cranes her neck to look beyond the register and nope, he was just floating.
Okay, okay, right, sure, so he’s actually a Super. Probably. Or an imposter villain. Lynn looks down at her phone under the counter, and quickly types out a message to her girlfriend.
Mari 💖
is tehre a new super
No
I don’t think so
Why
theres a guy with a superman logo thing on him
and he has a cape and a whole costume
and hes floating
Picture????
Lynn looked up to see if they were watching her. No, it seemed like they were… looking at candy?
Whatever, it’s not her business to judge. She snaps a photo of the pair.
Mari 💖
img6825.jpeg sent
Mari 💖 is typing…
Mari 💖 is typing…
The guy with the red helmet seems to just be walking straight to the exit without paying. Lynn half heartedly mumbles, “hey… please pay before you leave.” There, she tried. She tried so hard. No one can say otherwise now.
Unfortunately, the Super guy hears her. He tugs on the other’s jacket, frowning. “Hey, we need to pay.”
The helmet turned around to somehow look incredulous at him despite the blank expression. “No we don’t.”
“Yes we do! Come on, heroes wouldn’t shoplift.”
Helmet pulls his arm away to gesture. “One, that is entirely false. I can literally prove it right now. Two, you have killed,” he pauses for emphasis, “so many people.”
“Okay, yeah, well, I’ve revived more people than you.”
Lynn’s phone buzzes in her hand before she can even begin to process this information.
Mari 💖
Lynn that is the fucking Red Hood the crime lord. Drug pin. From Gotham. He is a serial murderer. What the fuck is he doing in Chicago. Who is he with?? What are they buying?? Are you safe?!??!????
ohh okay!
right yeah
of course
im fine
theyre just buying stuff
i think
i hope
Mari 💖 is typing…
Lynn tunes back into their conversation.
“Superman would pay!”
Red Hood, apparently, makes a show of looking around. “Well, good thing I don’t see him here! Come on. It’s Walmart.” He, seemingly fed up, starts marching to the exit. Super stays behind, arms crossed petulantly.
Just before the doors, the helmet turns slightly. Red Hood notices that his… friend? Enemy? Guy isn’t following and pivots back.
Lynn starts subtly recording on her phone because her thoughts have screeched to a halt and just started doing things without her permission.
Red Hood shoves their basket into the Super’s hands. “Okay, fucking fine. You want to pay, go ahead.”
Super scoffs, gesturing down at himself, “Uh, where would I keep money?” He says, like it’s obvious.
Red Hood is silent for a moment, completely still. “You don’t have pockets.”
“No? Do you see a place where they’d be?”
Red Hood throws his arms up in exasperation. “Yes! How do you not have any pockets or pouches! This is impossible! Superman has pockets! Why don’t you?”
“Superman has pockets because of comic book logic!”
“You are,” Red Hood goes to rub his temples and clunks into the helmet, “always talking about how this is all a comic. How does that not apply to you,” he levels.
Super Weird Guy throws his arms out. “That’s not how it works!”
“You make no fucking sense! How then?! How does it work?!” Red Hood’s hand seems to be itching towards his pistol. Lynn slouches down behind the desk but doesn’t stop the recording.
The Super very visibly debates what he says next, lips twitching up. “You want me so bad.” He puts his hands on his hips, amusement light in his eyes.
Lynn’s brows fly up. She hadn’t really picked up on that vibe but now that the idea’s out there, she definitely sees it. She grabs her phone, keeping the camera app open.
Mari 💖
That is not reassuring. You understand how that’s not reassuring right.
toxic yaoi
?
Girl what the fuck are you talking about
Mari 💖 is typing…
Red Hood twitches violently. “You are so fucking insufferable.”
Super bats his eyelashes. “That’s not what you said last night.”
“We didn’t— last night I literally used you for target practice! With a gun! I shot you!” For emphasis, Red Hood pulls out a handgun and gestures at him with it. Lynn ducks down and glances around. There’s no one around. Oh fuck.
Super very deliberately, with direct eye contact (helmet eye lens contact..?), reaches out and plucks the gun from gloved hands. He slowly crunches the gun between his palms and puts the thin sheet of crumpled metal back into Red Hood’s hands with a pat.
“You bitch.” Red Hood says, flat. Super shrugs, a shit eating grin growing on his face. “You bastard. You fiend.”
“Yep. Hey, can you pay for us now?”
Red Hood inhales and exhales heavily. “My revenge will come swiftly on a cool summer’s day,” though he still steps towards the checkout counter. Lynn sweats. The two approach her and place their basket down. They bought 30 oranges, a notebook, and a Milky Way.
Lynn scans the items on autopilot. This may as well happen. If she dies she dies, but damn, getting shot at 2:41AM in Walmart would be such a humiliating way to go out.
“Hey,” the Super suddenly says. “Do you want a picture?”
Red Hood looks at him like he’s criminally insane. Which, Lynn suspects, he might be. “Why would you offer that? Why would anyone want a picture with either of us?”
“Hey, I’m cool! Plenty of people want pictures with me.”
“Because they think you’re Superman!” Red Hood visibly takes a breath, hands clasped in front of his face. “You do not need to get a picture.” The words are dripping with disdain, even through the voice filter. Lynn belatedly realizes he’s talking to her. “Ignore anything this fucker says.”
“Oh, so if I said like, there’s an alien invasion happening, head to cover, everyone should just ignore me?” Super crosses his arms over his chest.
“Do not be pedantic right now, I will shoot you.”
“Picture,” Lynn interrupts, “Yes.” Good job on deescalation mouth, very eloquent.
Super’s face lights up with a grin, apparently sharing the trait of having a literal sunshine smile with real, not evil Superman. “I told you!” He picks up her phone, which she distantly remembers is still recording, but he only pauses for a moment before turning to Red Hood with a frown. “Hey, you were gonna erase the footage of us here.”
Red Hood, seemingly done with this nonsense situation, just grunts.
Super turns to face a random direction. “I get that being paranoid about safety is a defining character trait of Bats, but seriously?” Red Hood ignores this and bags their items. Lynn lets him do it.
Lynn’s phone is outstretched, the Super flashing a blinding grin as he takes a selfie. Red Hood glares at the camera, somehow conveying his murderous intent without an inch of skin uncovered. Lynn gives a weak thumbs up from behind the counter. She looks like she’s going to pass out.
“Okay, here you go!” The Super chirps, putting her phone back in her hands. “Tell everyone that Superboy Prime and the Red Hood were here.”
“Do not. Do not do that.” Red Hood looks about 10 seconds away from shooting someone.
Lynn gives another thumbs up. The pair amble outside, and she slumps behind the service counter.
Mari 💖
If you get murdered and I have to look back on our old text like a grieving widow and see that the last things you sent were “toxic yaoi” “?” I will reach beyond the veil and strange you myself
love you too
img6827.jpeg
im quitting this job man
its not worth it
Mari 💖 is typing…