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Miku folded her hands in front of her, eyes following the crewmembers rushing around. Equipment clanked and banged; words shouted everywhere. All around, they prepared for her big concert, one after a long time of nothing. Well, no, that wasn’t exactly true. She had had many concerts at least somewhat recently, but all of them blurred in her head. Truly, a horrible blur of nothingness and a weight deep in her stomach, one that either pulled her down or knotted and knotted, until she felt she would burst or sink into herself completely.
Those concerts had been a façade—smiling, dancing around, and singing. Being a show herself, perfect and untouched. But not her. Just a mask. Even the deeper songs she sang felt empty. She was not Miku. No, she hadn’t even known who she was. A shell, perhaps. An empty shell that went through the motions till she cracked and could no longer. Then, no concerts happened. Nothing. Hatsune Miku disappeared, replaced by an actual hologram for a time, almost unnoticeably, while she lost herself. She didn’t recognize herself, didn’t realize how terrible she felt…locked herself away both physically and mentally…
Until, finally, she was freed from the weight. Even if just a little. For a moment, for one step forward after the other.
Exhaling, Miku strolled farther through the backstage area. She observed everything distantly, but not as she had before. Before, it was either dissociation, or a terrified, silent stare she could not understand herself. Now she drew everything in—every little detail, every person she brushed shoulders with or watched prepare for the big performance mere minutes away. It had all been so overwhelming before, when she lost herself, to the point she stopped of course. Time and time again, hiding away in her room, wanting to get better and feel like herself again. Wanting to just go back and perform; be happy and successful, like she was supposed to be! But no matter what she did, she couldn’t. Or she could not try to begin with. Anxiety, hopelessness, and that numb, horrid weight were all she knew. Couldn’t leave. Couldn’t be the Hatsune Miku everyone needed or even she needed—the shining star on a stage, that helped everyone become filled with excitement, music, and truly escape their own misery. The normal person, too.
She couldn’t be that for a while. Couldn’t be perfect. Couldn’t leave the prison of her house and mind; couldn’t brave the stage anymore. Couldn’t brave her life.
All she knew was that weight…that horrible, churning, burying, grabbing, murderous weight…
Slowly but surely, though, she took steps. She relied on her dear friends, she opened herself up piece by piece; took returning to normalcy bit by bit. Now here she was, finally after so long, standing amongst chaos before a performance. For once, it did not feel like a prison or a cacophony of blaring noises and sensations. In the past year…two even, she had come so far. No longer hiding. Still not perfect or happy and strong all the time (no, she would never be how she was before), but that was alright. She was still Miku. And any brokenness lingering from the darkest point in her mental health was…well, perhaps it was beautiful.
“Now,” she whispered, hands clasping to her chest, “I can share it with my fans; with everyone. I can truly be…Hatsune Miku again.”
In fact, she’d even had a say in the setlist this time, since it was her first tour returning fully to performing. Many songs she felt even more drawn to than she had before, both classics and new ones that spoke to her very soul. Even if she could not outwardly express everything she had endured, she could sing similar experiences; hope her words and melody reached out to anyone like her, and be that escape for them. Be that step towards healing, no matter how small.
Miku smiled and shut her eyes, listening to the familiar introduction music. Colorful lights flashed; fans cheered. Soon, she would emerge into it. She would sing; she finally would step out in front of people, and do something she had lost the strength to do for ages. This time, far stronger. She could do this, and for the first time in so long?
She was proud of herself, and so eager to do it.
Silence after applause, and then it started all over again as Miku stepped out onto stage. The lights flashed anew, and she started her first track, arms raising. Her eyes and smile glittered brighter than the sun with each word; brighter than the lights around her, or every waving stick that blinked back at her…like those tiny specks of hope she’d clung to while she dragged herself through raking hot coals to healing. At least, as much healing as she could get.
But here she was. Smiling; performing…pouring her heart out.
As Miku belted, danced, and beamed at her fans, she felt her soul set free all over again. Every day; every tiny improvement had led to this.
Now, she didn’t just sing for appearances. She sang for herself, and for everyone who tripped and fell like she had.
Finally, the cracks had forged into something far more beautiful.