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Rook pressed the keys one by one, over and over, listlessly stuck in A Minor as she stared at the piano in front of her. She’d been wandering around for hours, just staring at things around the Lighthouse, going everywhere, except… She couldn’t go there. Couldn’t follow the path her feet had happily followed every single day for the months they’d been here.
Hadn’t people seen her every day, going that way? Did no one wonder why she would keep visiting the infirmary with no one in it? How many times could a heart break, she wondered as her fingers kept playing the chord. Fitting. She hadn’t thought about it when she first touched the keys, but Varric had always said that A Minor was the saddest chord. Had. It would always be had now.
Nothing was true. Nothing made sense. Not only did she lose her mentor and confidant, her friend, she’d also lost all meaning of the “conversations” they had shared. All meaning of the words he had given her.
If anyone can do this it’s you!
There’s a reason I chose you, Kid.
One of the strongest pieces on the board, they tend to think in straight lines...
She couldn’t even remember which conversations happened before the night of the ritual. She’d never thought she’d have to keep track of what went where! And now she didn’t know which was real. Which words in her memory had really been spoken by her friend, and which were only… illusions of grandeur. That was really all it had been. And if she couldn’t trust her memories, her own mind, what could she trust? What on earth was left?
“Rook?” Lace asked hesitantly from the doorway. “Care if I join you?”
Rook didn’t answer, only kept drumming the same three notes. Part of her was so angry at Lace, and at Neve… They’d been there at the beginning, they’d been there when it happened! Did they truly not know? And if they didn’t, how callous did they think she was?
“I’m not going to leave until you talk to me,” the dwarf said bravely, hesitating only a moment before she shuffled on the bench next to her, frowning at the keys of the piano as if they were a chessboard meant to be figured out.
“I know you just got back, and that the Fade must’ve been horrible… I can’t even imagine what you went through. But— I can’t help— It feels like— Rook? Are you angry at me?”
How could she possibly answer that if she didn’t know herself? She stilled when Lace grabbed her playing hand, squeezing it tight so that she either had to stop playing or yank it away. She still couldn’t look at her.
“I can’t fix it if I don’t know what’s wrong!”
“I thought he was alive.”
There was a moment of silence as Lace sought for words.
“Davrin? I’m— I’m so sorry, Rook! Maybe if I had led that party, I could’ve—”
“Varric,” she said, and couldn’t help the slight hitch in her breath as she said it.
“You… thought Varric was alive? I don’t understand…”
“All this time, I thought he was alive. I talked to him. I visited him. In the infirmary. I even saw him in some of our meetings, Lace…” she finally turned, this time being the one who squeezed the other’s hand too tight. “I heard him participate.”
“But… How, Rook? How was that possible?” She suddenly sucked in her breath, looking at Rook as realisation dawned. “Solas? He made you believe?”
“Solas… Or me… Does it matter?”
“Yes! Of all the things he’d done, the list just keeps getting longer! This is mind-control! I don’t know why I am surprised, really, he—”
“Lace,” Rook interrupted, the rawness in her voice making the dwarf’s gaze flick back to hers. “My friend died.” And with that, she couldn’t hold it back anymore, couldn’t stop the tide of tears as she lowered her head onto Lace’s shoulder and just sobbed.
“Oh Rook,” Lace said, moving her arms around her so she could hold her tight. “I’m so sorry.”
They sat like that for a while, until Rook could finally compose herself, and look at her friend. Tears were silently running down Lace’s cheeks as she reached out to tuck a stray strand of hair back behind Rook’s ear.
“I’m so sorry,” she repeated. “I thought— I saw you go into the infirmary, I thought it helped you think. I should’ve said something. I should’ve realised!”
“It’s not your fault,” Rook said, and found that she meant it. “And now I’m making you go through it twice. You loved him, too.”
“That damn Dwarf,” Lace smiled helplessly, shaking her head. “He should’ve been here! This was all his idea, you know?” she added, though with the exact humour in her voice Varric himself would’ve applied.
“I thought he was… Lace, what do I do now? I— I cannot do this without him! The only reason I could do this was because I thought— Because he—”
“He believed in you?” Lace smiled.
“But it wasn’t real! None of it was real! All I’ve done, all I’ve managed to… to endure— it was just because of my own ego, my own need to hear the valida—”
“Oh, Rook, no! You’ve got it all wrong!”
“How easy for Solas to twist my mind, just using the praise I wanted to hear.”
“Now you listen to me, that’s a load of codswallop, and you know it!”
“Do I?”
“What Solas used were your memories! And your memories of Varric are so powerful that he had no choice but to use them exactly as they were! I bet they were all good, weren’t they? I bet all those conversations you had with him were all supportive and sincere, am I right?”
“How do you— I didn’t tell you that.”
“And you don’t have to! Because even with mind-control there is some things that can never be changed, and Varric believing in you was one of those things.”
Rook couldn’t help but smile at that. Because in the deepest parts of her heart, she knew it was true. They’d tease each other and give each other crap, but the one thing Varric Tethras had never done was doubt her. Ever. Maybe Lace was right… Maybe it was a memory too powerful to corrupt. Solas could easily have gone another way, to get her to do what he wanted, to influence her with doubt and fear to get himself out of his prison somehow. But the only way to use Varric when it came to Rook was as he had always been.
It didn’t mean he’d always been right, though. Now that she couldn’t look into his earnest eyes as he said the words, couldn’t hear that incredulous tone in his voice as he convinced her she was wrong…
“Even if that’s true… it’s just words now. Just a memory. I cannot do this without him, I’m not strong enough. I’ve been fooling myself, fooled all of you, and now Davrin…”
“Hey! Like Varric, Davrin had made his choice. He had always known the stakes, Rook, we all do! And you may not want to hear it, but you have been doing it. It wasn’t Varric out in the field, it wasn’t him who made those choices! Those were all you! If his encouragement helped you, or his validation, or whatever you found in that room, helped… That’s good! I’m glad you had that. But never doubt that the only reason you had it was because of what was in you all along.”
Rook could only stare at her, trying to make sense of the emotions unlocked by her words. Relief? Trust? Gratitude? But also regret, and longing... How did she seperate that? Maybe it was impossible to do.
But maybe… she didn’t have to. Maybe the regret and the longing would always go with the gratitude and the trust. And maybe… that was okay. Maybe knowing that she could have the good feelings, because they were shaped by the heavy feelings, would make it all fit together somehow.
It was a lot. Would it be enough? The path ahead was still so very long.
“The bad things just keep coming, Lace…”
“And they always will.”
“Oh, good. What would a pep talk be without a little realism?”
“You got this, Rook. You’ve always had this. So just do what you’ve always done,” Lace smiled. A big, earnest smile, relieved that her friend was starting to shine through again.
“Give ‘em hell.”