Chapter Text
The real pressure started when I was 16.
My teammates started treating me differently, it was sudden.
One day I was a wallflower, one of many boys in my hockey club, nerdy, relatively fit, but I still had a kid’s face. The only time the cool kids would interact with me was when I scored, which happened a lot, by congratulating me for it, but I still wasn’t invited when they went out eating at Holy Cow after practice or when they organized parties and getaways in their parents cabins in Valais.
That was alright with me. I didn’t really fit with them, and I never wanted to, so I was happy with the interacting staying on the ice.
Then one NHL agent came during one of our games and asked to talk with coach about me, and suddenly I was the center of the attention.
Everyone wanted to be my friend, they wanted to go out with me, to be my gym buddies, they wanted to spend the whole time with me talking about hockey, girls, partying and my future.
On the ice I would constantly get the puck, everyone would do anything to pass me and assist a goal for me. It felt like I wasn’t playing a team sport anymore, it felt like I was the main character. I hated it so much.
The few friends I had before stopped talking to me, slowly pushed away by my new ‘friends’. Suddenly they couldn’t talk about movies or books with me anymore because, every time they tried, the new guys would mock them, and say that I needed to focus on hockey, and had no time for petty things.
Eventually they started believing it as well, and they would tell me I didn’t have to be so kind and accommodate their stupid hobbies when I tried to talk about a book I read.
I love hockey, I really do, but I also love drawing, poetry, movies, books, I love videogames. Any medium through which one can tell a story, was one instrument for me to understand another human being, to receive a message someone else needed to share. The wisdom someone built up their entire life I could learn quickly by merely paying attention.
I really adore art.
But at 16 people stopped seeing Luca, the person with feelings, hobbies and a soul, and they started to see only Haas, the future of swiss hockey, the player whose only dream was to go and play for the NHL.
My life got reduced to ice, blades and rubber. Reduced to Haas.
Pencils, words and films could only be appreciated by Luca in private.
Around 17 is when it really hit me. People started putting cameras in front of my face and I had to actually use some of the french I learned in school when journalists from Lausanne came and asked to interview me. My introductions started to become more and more useless because people already knew my name before they even met me. People started associating my name with the words ‘Generational Talent’ and ‘Prodigy’ and I wasn’t ready for it.
No one in Switzerland becomes famous. We always blend in. We have Federer, and that is it.
There is no fame to be found in this country, but somehow I stumbled upon it by playing a sport I liked.
To be fair that was only when I was in a hockey related environment, people would not recognize me when I used the SBB or when I walked the Bahnhofsstrasse, but still most of my day was dedicated to hockey and spent in the world of hockey. At school I was in a special sport class where we didn’t do as much literature or math but we learned biology, medicine and focused on english and french. After class I would go to practice. After practice i’d meet with my coach and coordinators.
It felt like I was living someone’s else life. And I suppose I was, because the only time I felt like myself was in the evening, at dinner.
Mum would always cook a big dinner for us. My favorite dish was always her Rösti with egg, and while eating, I would have an hour of freedom where hockey was one of many topic of conversation and not the main one. The last people who still saw Luca, the person, the family member, were always gathered there.
My sister Ana is my rock she is one year older than me and she loved art as much as I do. She knows me better than I know myself, and is and always was my best friend.
She has always been my protector, when I was sad she would always ask me what hurt me so she could go and punch it away, and she would really do it, no matter if it was a person or a book or the weather, she would always try to punch my problems away.
So when in June I took a plane to Toronto, she was there with me and my father.
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JUNE 2018
“What if I don’t get picked?” Luca asks in english, he needs to train it as much as possible.
Ana opens her eyes, she knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep a lot during the flight, but she looks annoyed anyway.
“Don’t be ridiculous Luca” she says dismissively “In every ranking you are top 3, they are going to pick you”
He remains silent and keeps his nervous eyes on the plane screen that indicates their live position. They are currently over Spain.
“Lu” She says taking his fidgeting hand in hers.
“Is ok being nervous, but you are going to get picked, possibly even first, so just calm down and tell me what is really bothering you.”
She was always able to see through Luca.
He looks briefly on the other side, at his already sleeping father, the one whose dream was to play professional hockey, but couldn’t since his grandfather wanted him to continue working on the family’s company, and then he lowers his voice.
“I… I don’t know if want this… I do love hockey, but if they pick me I’ll have to move to North America, I won’t see you more than a few times a year.” His head moves down and the eyes focus at the tip of his new shoes.
“I’ll become even more famous than I already am, you know I hate it already… I … I guess I’m just scared Ana.” Voice barely audible under the engine rumble.
She doesn’t answer, just squeezes his hand harder.
Then with a steady voice she starts to punch at his problems.
“We can always call.” – Right jab
“And you’ll find new friends in your team.” - Left jab
“Not assholes that just want to ride on your success, real friends. You are going to be the rookie, the new guy, not the most famous person in the room” - Uppercut
Then she smiles and looks directly at his eyes. When Luca looks back at her's she continues.
“If you really want to play hockey, we can figure out everything else out. Everything is going to be ok” – K.O
Luca knows it isn’t as simple as she puts it. There is a big time zone difference between Zurich and North America, and is not like he had a lot of friends when he was a kid. He isn't really sociable. And he doubts he is going to find many players he can get along with.
Nevertheless she does make him feel better.
“I do want to play hockey” he says, his voice warmer. “And can you imagine dad if I get picked first and tell him that I don’t want to play.”
Ana tries to contain the burst of laughter, making too much noise on a plane is not polite.
“He would put on a powerpoint presentation to try and convince you! Mum would have picked the pictures.” she said between the giggles.
Luca smiles at the mental image. They probably would.
But at the end they would respect his decision and support him in anything he chooses.
He knows he is lucky to have a family like this. They have and always will support him.
But that doesn’t mean he isn’t feeling pressure from them. They did invest a lot of money and time for his growth as a player and people would talk if he, who is supposed to make Switzerland proud and represent them, suddenly gives up on it.
Life is never simple.
“Also, if you give up, you won’t have a chance to meet Ilya Rozanov in person.” she winks at him.
Luca’s face suddenly reddens, taking the shade of a tomato.
“Ana! Can you please stop, I took the poster off the wall years ago!”
She grins viciously.
“Sure, but the magazine where he poses shirtless is still in your bookshelf.”
Luca snaps his head to his father who thankfully is still sleeping. If his hair could blush it would at this point. Then he glares at her.
“What? He is sexy, I don’t blame you…”
At this point his eyes are just pleading, and Ana knows when to stop, there is a line between supporting by bullying and straight up bullying and she has reached it.
She sees in his brother eyes that she managed to distract him from the dark place his brain sometimes goes to, so she let’s his hand go.
“Sorry, sorry, Lu. I’ll stop. Let’s try to sleep ok?” she moves on the uncomfortable plane seat and tries to find a decent position. “It’s going to be a long week”.
Relieved Luca follows his sister example and gets himself as comfortable as he can, it’s not easy, since the seat is tiny and he is an athlete. When he manages to squeeze in a position he thinks won’t irreparably damage his back after nine hours of flight, he wishes her a goodnight before getting lulled by the white noise of the giant metal machine that is transporting him towards his future.
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Second overall pick. That is unheard of for a swiss player.
Luca is shocked, he knows he was decent but second overall pick is extraordinary. Shane Hollander was second pick and now he is a legend. There must have been a mistake somewhere, or this year prospects were particularly bad, but his family doesn’t care, they are ecstatic for him.
Ana is hugging him like she could squeeze the devil out of him. His father is openly crying in front of the cameras and holding the phone while live calling his mother. She is also crying on the other side of the world.
Haas just smiles.
Ottawa, Canada.
Haas walks to the stage and politely shakes hands with the commissioner’s hand. Then he takes his Jersey and poses in front of the camera.
Ottawa, Canada.
He supposes that is good. Luca doesn’t know much about the city, but he thinks it is calm. It would be good for acclimatizing to being a NHL player.
The team tough.
They haven’t been great. No, they have been quite bad for a long time now. Haas supposes the team has an ok defense but the offense is terrible, they have no star player and the goalie is mediocre, but hopefully things will change in a few years when Haas joins them.
The rest of the evening is a blur. Interviews, handshakes, dinner, handshakes, talks, handshakes, talks, handshakes, talks, congratulations. Haas feels like a robot, his agent is dictating all his moves and all the media training finally pays off when it takes control of his face and mouth.
The rest of the week is not kinder.
The only time Luca comes out is when they ask him which number he wants. 49. Definitely 49. The Centaurs agree to give it to him if it is still free when he joins in two years.
At the end of the week they finally tell Haas he is done with his obligations for the week, and Luca has an evening to spend with his family before going back to Switzerland the next morning.
Luca meets his sister in the lobby of the hotel, he is dressed in a simple athletic clothes, freshly showered, the only logo on his shirt, a centaur dressed in hockey gear, is something he will see a lot in the future.
“Where is dad?” Luca asks.
“I asked him to let us have dinner alone” Ana says. “I want to have a nice evening with you Lu, I haven’t seen you the whole week” Then Ana hugs him.
Luca let himself relax in her big sister’s arms.
She doesn’t ask how he is, she can see it in his face and posture.
“Ok, but I’m tired” Luca says softly.
“Alright, but go change, nothing too fancy, but put decent clothes on, you don’t want to embarrass me.”
Luca is annoyed but he guess he shouldn’t get used to going out dressed like this. People in Switzerland would look at you quite badly if you entered in a restaurant dressed in gym clothes.
Once he gets new clothes, a simple dark blue shirt and long jeans, she grins and drags him by the hands toward the entrance of the hotel where a taxi is already waiting. She tells the driver a name Luca doesn’t catch, but then she handles him a plastic bag he only now notice on her hand.
“What is this?” He asks while opening it, a sandwich and a cola.
“Dinner! Eat up.”
“I thought we were going to dinner now?” Confusion painting his face.
“Nei, we are in Toronto alone, I’m not wasting the evening in a boring restaurant!” then she adds “We are going to the theater!”
Well that is a good surprise, he hasn’t been to the theater in a long time and he won’t probably have time when he comes back to Switzerland. In his future he’ll need to train even more than he had till now. So even if he is tired he is grateful to his sister.
“I haven’t been in a while, thanks.” He says with far less enthusiasm than he would have if the week hadn’t been brutal.
“Don’t thank me yet, you will probably be mad.” She puts her tongue out and bites it, like a kid that has been caught doing the same forbidden thing the 100th time.
“What? Why?”
“You will see.”
When the cab arrives Luca immediately understands what his sister meant. The theater is called ‘Buddies in Bad Times’ and it’s very obviously a queer space.
“Ana…” He says exhausted
She steps in front of him and takes his hands in hers, her whole face painted with conviction.
“Lu, I know you feel uncomfortable with this, but…” she pauses a second her eyes a bit uncertain, she looks at the ground for a second, but then resolution comes back and the eyes darts back up “But I really worry.”
“I know you never went to places like this in Züri. And I know you won’t go when you are in Ottawa.” She adds a bit sadly. “But I need you to see that this is a normal thing, that you are normal.” Her eyes are reflecting the light more than usual. “And with what Hunter did last year, things will slowly start getting better, but is still hockey. They will not be kind.”
Then her voice lowers, vulnerability tainting the words that seldom are anything but strong and comforting.
“They are big guys…” Her voice breaks. “I don’t know if my punches can hurt them…”
Luca hugs her, at first weakly, then more tightly when he hears her muffled sobs.
He never came out, not to his sister and not even to himself. He is not stupid, he knows he is attracted to men, and his sister knows it too, but he never used the word.
When girls started to flirt with him he did try kissing one, one evening when he drank enough to convince himself, but that only confirmed what he already knew.
But hockey is not kind to sensitive people, especially to sensitive queer people. So Luca never allowed himself more than a quick thought about men, an unnoticeable glance in the showers or a private tab on his phone, opened and closed in less than ten minutes, in the middle of the night.
He never joined a group, a club or ever talked about it.
When last year Hunter kissed his boyfriend on the rink he was shocked, he had no idea someone could be like him and play hockey at such level.
The following day, the coach made a speech in the locker room. He told the team how Scott was a good example for everyone, that people should be inclusive and even they should do the best they could in their environment.
And everyone agreed.
But then Jeremy said “Nothing against gay people, but it would kinda feel strange to shower with them, right? Also can you really trust a man who doesn’t like boobs?”
And everyone laughed.
They went back to playing as usual, the banter stayed. The jokes stayed. Never specific, never mentioning Scott, never calling out someone specifically. But ‘schwul’ was still an adjective you’d use to describe a puck that wouldn’t enter in the goal or a call from a referee you didn't agree with.
And nothing changed.
Scott Hunter's coming out, instead of giving him courage to come out himself, showed him that people were ok with gays as long as the weren't in team with you.
And so he didn't say anything.
“Alight, let’s go in. What are they playing?” He asked softly when Ana calmed a little.
She left him go and a shy smile appeared on her face.
“I don’t know” She said laughing weakly. “My plan was to bring you in a gay bar but like half hour before meeting you I found out you can’t get in at 18, I had to improvise.”
“Thank god, I wouldn’t want to go in a gay bar!” He said relived.
“No, that is stupid, we have been drinking beer since we were 16, this county is stupid! I wanted you to meet a nice guy and maybe go back in the hotel with him.”
“ANA! I would never!” Luca’s face is red again.
“Come on, let’s go maybe you’ll meet a sexy actor and you’ll still have your chance.” She said, knowing very well it won’t happen. Luca would never risk bringing a man in the hotel where many future NHL players, and his father, were staying.
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SEPTEMBER 2018
He must have had an incident on the ice.
He fell, hit his head, got in the hospital and now he is hallucinating. Head damage and heavy drugs are the only explanation.
Because if that wasn’t true it would mean that he will be playing with Ilya Rozanov. And that can’t be true. No way. Impossible.
It would mean that the news of his transfer from Boston to Ottawa wasn’t something his brain made up but reality.
Yeah sure, as that could be true. There is no wa...
His door opens up suddenly and aggressively, like in those the american action movies where they are busting a drug center, and his sister bolts in like a missile.
“LU HAVE YOU SEEN THIS!?!?” She shouts so strongly his hears ring.
Oh fuck this is real. Hallucinations can’t give you hearing damage.
He has still two years of development, there is a chance Rozanov will be traded again before he joins the team, but even then they also got Wyatt Hayes, one of the best goalies around, the team would still be infinitely better than it was in the previous years.
Ottawa wants to get back in the game.
Maybe, just maybe things will be alight.