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Shane POV.
The way from Ilyas room to the Elevator was a blur. And I didn’t even know why. But as soon as I stepped into the elevator I felt some tears fall down my cheek. And my hands are shaking.
Fuck, after everything that could have brought me to tears this night. It had to be because one thing felt missing after sleeping with that asshole Rozanov.
We didn’t kiss!!!
Was the only thing that came to my mind.
Why do I even care that we didn’t kiss?
Not like we have to kiss every time that we have sex. But we always kissed and Ilya seemed a little bit off.
We always did.
We always did.
We always did.
I can only concentrate on this thing and not everything else. I can’t bring myself to think of anything else.
But somehow I manage to click on the elevator button to the level where my room is. And I pace up and down the Elevator.
And I don’t know how it happens but somehow the next thing I know is that I have my phone and I am on Ilyas contact and writing to him that we didn’t even kiss.
Jane to Lily
We didn’t even kiss.
DELIVERD
Ilyas POV.
My phone lit up and vibrated showing me that I have a new message.
For some reason I reach directly for it, it became a habit since I wrote Shane often and every time my phone vibrated I hoped he was the reason it did. But most of our conversations were started by me and not him so I doubt it would be him
Jane
We didn’t even Kiss.
He was right we didn’t.
This surprised me, because every time I see him in my or his room all I can think of is the feeling of his lips on mine, its like getting drunk and the more you drink the more you want a next one.
But it was also my fault we didn’t kiss as I am normally the one to initiate the kiss that leads to him also kissing me, but we also didn’t face another because I didn’t want to look at him because the more often I see him under me and in my bed the more I don’t want him to leave.
But that is a risky thing, we should be rivals, not liking each other. That is how the Media wants us to be and if we should ever be exposed or outed I could never go home again. Even if I am just there because of my Dad and he needs me. Alexei isn’t a really a big help and I doubt he wouldn’t even be with Dad if I didn’t pay him to be.
But what about Shane?
Yeah what about him, I know he sometimes is in his own head and hates social interaction and overall I think he is somewhat autistic.
He must have a meltdown or a panic attack at least and I acted only thinking about me and not even considering his feelings.
I don’t even realise that I got up and got my clothes and was out of the door, I only do when I am outside of my room and going towards the Elevator.
My feet move on its own. But I don’t know where his room is and I doubt he will answere me now, He will be probably be stuck in his own head and only direct contact would get him out of it.
Shane POV.
When the Elevator doors open again I am on the level of my room so I go out of the elevator and right to my room.
I got that I am shortly before a meltdown. This night isn’t like the others and I doubt we will see each other again when it isn’t on the Ice.
I need to talk to him and I need to know if its over between us, if I did something wrong. or if we just end it because it shouldn’t be and he doesn’t want us anymore and we are only rivals on the Ice nothing more.
Or I am just a good lay for him, always available when we are in the same place.
Now I really feel Tears stream down my face.
Why did I send this stupid text. He doesn’t seem to care afterall.
Not about me or whatever it is that we have, just for himself and what he wants and doesn’t even consider i could be falling for him or some other stupid shit, because I can’t be gay. I am not allowed to. Being gay is an insult we throw at each other in the locker rooms between teams that can’t stand each other just to get us off game.
Admitting that I am gay would also mean that I would have to fight of these people.
Even if the world will accept it, Hockey is its own world and there is no guarantee that they would accept it. I would only be an example of how inclusive they are and that they accept anyone not caring about their sexuality.
And I don’t want to be that because it could also mean that my team will cast me out and I will have to find another thing that fulfills me that isn’t Hockey. And Hockey is my life, I love to play it.
And giving it up just because I could be gay,is defenetly not an option.
Then there was a knocking on my door and a voice that was too familiar, more than it should be.
”Hollander are you in there.”
It was Ilya Rozanov the guy who I just slept with and sent him the dumbest text in the world to ever exist and thought he would never talk to me again.
His accent was thicker too. Like he is in distress but he wouldn’t be in stress over me would he.
Only throbs came from my throat.
Get it together Shane you don’t want your best rival to see you in this state.
“Hollander I can hear you, so please open the door. It is not good if anyone sees me in front of your room.”
Against my better judgement of just telling him to fuck off as I normally did. My body moved on its own and opened the door for Ilya.
He looked like he jogged trough the whole building but he wouldn’t do that for me, he isn’t like that.
”What do you want here?” I ask instead of giving him space to enter, my voice was broken and it even surprised me that I could talk to Ilya instead of just throwing myself into his arms.
but we aren’t like that, we don’t show emotions that aren’t lust to each other so this was a completely whole new ordeal.
Ilya POV.
I ran though the whole building just to find out in which room he is and I saw hin enter this room and came right after him.
But I needed some minutes before I could knock but you could also hear sobs coming from his room. Fuck what have I done, not only call him by his first name in my head, I worry about him too.
“Hollander are you in there.” I know my accent is thick but I hope he can understand me anyways. The sobs die down.
”Hollander I can hear you, so please open the door. It is not good of anyone sees me in front of your room.”
With that the door finally opens and Shane doesn’t look good his eyes are red and the tears are still streaming down his flushed cheeks.
“What do you want here?”
His voice isn’t steady at all and all I want is just to hug him and tell him that I am sorry about everything. That he deserves more than I can give him but I want to be selfish and have him for me, even if I don’t deserve him.
My feet move again on their own and the next thing that I realise is that I am hugging Shane. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry…” I chant, it is the only thing that comes out of my mouth and I repeat hit hoping that he could find it in him to forgive me.
I go a little bit more in his room with him still in my arms and he hasn’t moved since I began to hug him and close the door with my foot not wanting to ever let him go again.
He seemed to realise that I was hugging him or it was just an auto reaction because he finally closed his arms behind my back and buried his head in my neck and let lose.
His tears drained my shirt but I didn’t care,all I care about that he gets better and if he wants to end things with me then he can, I won’t hold him back.
Even if it means to never hear his voice, never hear him moan again, to never feel his soft lips on mine or holding his Hand like I did when we first slept together.
He didn’t seem to stop crying soon so I picked him up and carried him to his bed where I sat us down and just held him.
“Shane, why didn’t you say?” Really that is the best you can come up with.
”So you could laugh at me, make fun of me,just because I wanted to kiss you?”
”Would I be here I would have laughed about you, no I care about you and if you want a kiss just say.”
”But-“I didn’t even let him finish this sentence and just crashed my lips into his, he seemed startled but sill kissed me back.
And I pulled him closer to me just to feel him close, because he needed someone.
”I will stay with you this night, you shouldn’t be left alone.”
Shane POV.
This has to be a dream.
I am laying in my bed and right beside is Ilya Royanov, we always never cuddle after sex.
Always go away shortly after, so that nobody sees us.
But he just lay us down and holds me.
End