Chapter Text
It’s been two months since Axel’s head injury and the boys are on their way to their first gig since it happened. None of them feel ready but they can’t wait any longer. They already missed too many gigs after Jakob’s injury so they need to go back to work.
They would usually be ecstatic about performing again after such a long break, but not now. Not after all of this. Not when they are all so afraid of something happening again.
They’ve all gotten to see a psychologist now but they are far from recovered. It will take a long time to get over something like this and now that they are back there will be far too many reminders.
Kevin doesn’t know how he will ever be able to sleep in a hotel room again. He’s still having problems sleeping at home and he knows this will be much worse. He’s scared; they all are and that’s why they’re so silent the entire journey to the hotel. Kevin’s head is pounding and he is so tired. The amount of sleep he’s been getting recently is far from enough. It doesn’t matter that some nights are okay when the majority of them he doesn’t sleep much at all.
He looks at his friends walking next to him, carrying their own bags. Jakob is pale, his free hand fidgeting with the strap to his backpack as he pulls his bag along behind him with his other hand. Next to him is Axel; uncharacteristically silent and gripping the handle of his bag so hard his knuckles have turned white.
Kevin feels himself shaking as they approach the hotel and step inside. He does not want to be inside a hotel room ever again after what happened. If the room looks even a little bit similar to their last room… No. He does not want to think about that. He can’t think about that.
Axel goes up to the reception and Kevin looks at Jakob who is currently looking like he is going to be sick.
“You okay?” Kevin asks softly and Jakob shakes his head.
“No. I don’t think I can do this Kev.”
“Yeah, me neither,” is all Kevin says as he lets go of his bag to wrap an arm around Jakob. “Me neither.”
They stand like that until Axel comes back with their room keys and that’s when Kevin and Jakob parts. Axel looks at them both with concern before holding out Kevin’s key to him.
Kevin hesitates before taking it; it feels like if he takes it then he has accepted to this. He knows they have no other choice; they need to sleep somewhere. It doesn’t change the fact that Kevin would rather sleep anywhere else than in a hotel. He’d sleep on the street if he could.
He sees the pleading look in Axel’s eyes and takes the key from his friend who smiles gratefully at him before turning to Jakob.
When Axel holds out the key to Jakob he just bites his lip and takes one step away from Axel who tries to plead with him. “Jakob…”
Then Jakob mumbles “I can’t” before turning around and walking out of the hotel lobby, leaving Axel staring after him with tears brimming in his eyes.
Kevin knows what Jakob is feeling, it had taken him every ounce of willpower to accept that key from Axel. It shouldn’t be this hard, it’s just a room key after all, but they all know what it represents.
He sees how Axel stands with his arm still stretched out for a second before pocketing the key. There is so much pain in the man’s eyes and Kevin wants to hold him. Seeing his friends’ pain is hurting Axel as well. Kevin reaches out and squeezes Axel’s shoulder.
“Wait here, I’ll go talk to him. Watch our bags for us, yeah?” Jakob had left his bag when walking out and Kevin leaves his next to Axel as well who nods and then Kevin is out of the door.
It doesn’t take Kevin long to find Jakob; he is sitting on a bench not far from the hotel. The streets are almost empty which is good. The last thing they need is for someone to witness this. Jakob is barely holding it together; he’s trembling and looking as if he’s about to cry.
He doesn’t seem to have noticed Kevin’s presence yet; too absorbed by his own thoughts to pay attention to his surroundings.
“Jakob.” Kevin calls out softly, deciding not to come any closer before he has got his friend’s attention.
It takes a few seconds but Jakob eventually lifts his head to look at Kevin. “Hi,” he murmurs.
“Can I sit down?” Kevin asks and gets a short nod from Jakob who moves a little to the side to make more space for his friend.
Kevin sits down and Jakob immediately leans against him for comfort while sighing. “You okay?” Kevin asks as he rubs Jakob’s arm soothingly.
“No,” Jakob says in a bitter tone. “Why is it always me? You and Axel are hurting too, but you somehow seem so…” Jakob trails off for a bit as if he can’t find the right word.
Kevin waits patiently for Jakob to find his words but his friend just bites his lip before burying his head in his hands.
“You two seem to have everything together, but me? It’s like I can’t be normal for once. It’s either the panic attacks or I flee from a damn room key.” Jakob laughs after that, but it isn’t one of his normal laughs. It’s cold; bitter somehow and with so much resentment towards himself.
“Jakob. Look at me.” Kevin says and his friend sits up properly and turns his body slightly toward Kevin. Kevin places a hand on Jakob’s cheek softly and looks him in the eyes.
“None of us have everything together. To be fair, you’re coping better than I am.”
Jakob huffs at the words like he doesn’t believe his friend, but he doesn’t say anything so Kevin continues.
“I mean it. I couldn’t feel anything at all for a time, I still struggle sometimes. You might blame yourself for your panic attacks but at least you are feeling something. That’s healthier than what I was doing.”
“And how healthy is fleeing from a room key?” Jakob’s voice isn’t as bitter anymore, but there’s still a tone of disappointment aimed at himself in his voice.
“Well,” Kevin shrugs. “You never know. That key could have been planning to eat you alive. Better safe than sorry.”
His words actually get a surprised laugh from Jakob who leans over and hugs Kevin.
“Thanks,” Jakob says. “I still think I’m pathetic, but thanks for being here.”
“Always,” Kevin gives his friend a fond squeeze before letting go.
Jakob smiles at him then; a soft smile without any of the previous bitterness in it. A few seconds later he frowns, seemingly realizing something.
“Where’s Axel?”
“In the lobby still, guarding our bags. He’s got your card key when you’re ready.” Kevin looks at Jakob for any reaction at the mention of the object but Jakob just chuckles.
“You mean the card key which is planning to eat me?”
“Well,” Kevin says with a smile. “I said it could be planning to eat you, you never know. It most likely is not though.”
Jakob laughs, a real laugh this time as he stands up. “I guess we’ll have to find out.”
Kevin stands up as well, glad that his friend seems to have cheered up a bit. He knows that will most likely change when they get to their room, but it’s always nice to see Jakob smile. Even if it’s just for a moment.
Just as they start walking, Jakob says he feels bad about leaving Axel behind. “He’s gonna blame himself,” Jakob continues and Kevin wishes he could say it’s not true, but he knows Axel blames himself. He blames himself for everything that has happened, takes all the responsibility onto himself. Kevin has seen the anger Axel carries against himself every day
“It’s not your fault Jakob,” is what Kevin chooses to say. “Just give him a big hug, I think he’ll appreciate that.”
Jakob follows Kevin’s advice and goes straight for Axel once they’re back in the hotel; wrapping him in is arms and holding him tightly.
“I’m sorry,” Jakob says and Axel just shakes his head.
“I’m the one who should be sorry, I shouldn’t have pressured you.”
Kevin can hear how Jakob chuckles before pulling away from the hug. “You didn’t pressure me, you just held out a card key. Can I have it now?”
“Yeah,” Axel smiles a relieved smile before giving the key to Jakob who thanks him before pocketing the key.
Now that they all have their keys there is no turning back and they take the elevator up to their room. Kevin just wants to run away like Jakob did earlier, but he forces himself to stay.
When Axel opens the door to their room, panic spreads through Kevin’s body. He doesn’t want to be here, he can’t do it. Then they step inside and that’s when it gets even worse.
It's too similar, that’s the first thing Kevin realizes when they step into the room. The layout of it reminds him so much of their last room and it takes his breath away. He puts his bag on the floor and immediately flees into the bathroom as it feels safer there. It won’t remind him of a motionless Axel on the bed or the room filled with paramedics as his friend begged them to stay.
Kevin grips the edge of the sink hard as he looks at his own reflection in the mirror. He is pale and his breath is coming out in short gasps. I can’t do this, he thinks. The thought of performing later makes him want to be sick and then there’s the fact that he’s going to have to sleep in this room. He can’t, the thought of it just makes his chest tightens and soon he’s gasping for air.
His legs are too weak and suddenly he slides down the wall and sits on the floor; knees tucked against his chest. He doesn’t know for how long he sits like that before there’s a gentle knock on the door.
“Can I come in?” It’s Axel’s voice coming from the other side of the door.
“Yes,” Kevin replies, his voice shaky but Axel hears anyway and steps inside before shutting the door behind him so Kevin won’t have to see the room he just came from.
Axel sits down on the floor next to Kevin and asks if he can touch him. When Kevin nods, Axel reaches out and places an arm around his friend, pulling him against him.
“Just breathe Kevin, I’m here.”
Kevin nods and focuses on his breathing. It’s easier with Axel next to him, because then his brain can’t convince him that Axel is unconscious in bed. Kevin’s breathing slows down quite soon and he relaxes against his friend. Suddenly a thought hits Kevin and he sits up again as he realizes something.
“Where’s Jakob?”
“In bed,” Axel says softly. Judging by his tone and the concerned look on Axel’s face, Jakob isn’t doing too well either. That must have been the reason why Axel didn’t go after Kevin immediately; he needed to take care of Jakob as well. Jakob who was currently alone in a room that most likely triggered him as much as it triggered Kevin. Kevin tries to stand up quickly but loses his balance.
“Hey, Kevin, sit down.” There’s fear in Axel’s voice as he helps Kevin sit back down again and the tall man just frowns. He can’t leave Jakob alone and he tells Axel that.
“I’ll go check on him, just sit down for a bit so you don’t fall, please.” There’s so much concern in Axel’s voice and it says something about how scared they all are.
Kevin wonders what images went through Axel’s mind when he saw Kevin swaying when trying to stand. Did he imagine his friend falling and hitting his head against the sink or something? Most likely, Kevin thinks and the thought breaks his heart. He sits against the wall as Axel gets up and walks out of the room.
It doesn’t take long though before Kevin stands up again, slower this time. He can’t hide in here forever, he thinks. He takes a deep breath and braces himself before opening the bathroom door.
He forces himself to look around the room as he tries to calm his breathing. They’re going to sleep here so he needs to get used to the room. Oh god, just the thought of actually sleeping in this room makes his stomach churn. He blinks and suddenly the room is filled with paramedics and Axel is on a stretcher. The image is gone as soon as he blinks again but his breathing hitches at the memories.
“Hey! I told you to sit still.” The sound of Axel’s voice makes Kevin turn his head to where his friend is crouching down next to a Jakob-shaped lump on the bed.
“I’m fine,” Kevin says, though that is probably the biggest lie he has ever told. He can feel himself trembling and sees how Axel shakes his head, clearly not believing the lie.
Kevin carefully approaches the bed and softly asks Axel how Jakob is doing, causing the lump on the bed to speak. “I’m right here.”
Kevin chuckles slightly but he can feel his breath hitching a bit and he closes his eyes so he doesn’t have to see the room anymore. It’s just too much.
“Well, all I can see is a talking lump.” Kevin says softly before crouching down next to the bed. Axel moves out of the way so Kevin can get closer to Jakob’s head.
“Can I touch you, Jakob?” Kevin asks and he sees how the lump moves a bit before pleading.
“Please, don’t pull the duvet off.”
Kevin feels like his heart is going break at the desperate tone in his friend’s voice. “I won’t Jakob.”
“Okay then,” His friend says and Kevin reaches out, touching what feels like Jakob’s arm. He leans his head against his friend’s arm and closes his eyes.
“I’m here, Jakob. How are you?”
“Horrible,” is the answer Kevin gets.
“Yeah, me too. You’re not the only one fleeing today, I fled into the bathroom.” His words make Jakob chuckle a little.
A few seconds go by and suddenly Jakob slowly appears from under the duvet. Only his eyes and forehead can be seen and it would look funny if it wasn’t for the obvious signs that Jakob has been crying. Kevin gently rubs Jakob’s arm as his friend tenses up while looking around at the room.
Kevin doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t move; he just patiently gives Jakob as much time as he needs. A hand appears from under the duvet; searching for Kevin who grabs it in his.
“I’m here,” is all that Kevin says and Jakob nods before taking a deep breath. Then he sits up completely, breath hitching before he calms down and just leans against Kevin.
Kevin holds him tightly as Jakob slowly seems to be relaxing against him. Then Axel is there as well, wrapping one arm around Kevin and the other around Jakob. They stay like that until Jakob pulls away from the hug and scoots over so he’s lying in the middle of the bed. He then beckons for them to come over with both his hands before patting the bed on both sides of himself.
Kevin just smiles and immediately crawls into bed next to Jakob. He does not have to be told twice. He wraps his arms around Jakob and then Axel is there on Jakob’s other side, leaning against his friend.
“Do you feel better?” Axel asks and Kevin can feel how Jakob nods.
“Yeah. It just got a bit too much seeing the room, you know?” Jakob’s voice trembles a little and Kevin runs a hand up and down his back to comfort him.
“I’m sorry, I should have gotten us another hotel. Should have tried to find one that looked completely different.” There is guilt in Axel’s voice and Kevin is quick to reply.
“We didn’t have anything else to choose from. This was the closest one Axel, there’s nothing you could have done.”
“I guess.” Axel sighs and nestles his head against Jakob.
They sit like that in a comfortable silence; holding on to each other for support. It doesn’t take long though before Kevin has to force his eyes to stay open. He rapidly blinks and sits up properly, letting go of Jakob. His body is just screaming for him to sleep, but that’s the last thing Kevin wants to do now.
“Kevin, what’s wrong?” Axel asks him and he can see the concern in both his friends’ eyes.
“I’m…” Kevin begins but that’s when it happens for the second time today. The room just changes and then there’s paramedics everywhere. He shuts his eyes tightly and reaches out blindly for Jakob’s hand, grabbing it in his. This is not real, Kevin thinks. It’s not happening.
When he opens his eyes again the paramedics are gone, all he can see is Jakob, standing frozen in the middle of the room with tears in his eyes. Kevin is reminded of the pure pain in Jakob’s voice as he broke down about his fear of losing Axel.
Kevin shuts his eyes again; Jakob’s hand being his only anchor to reality.
“Kev? What can I do?” It’s Jakob’s voice he hears and Kevin tries to focus on saying something, anything, but he can’t get the words out. He dares to open his eyes again and the room is back to normal for a few seconds. He takes a breath but then the room changes back again and the breath gets stuck in his throat.
No, no, no… He barely knows what is real anymore. Where’s Axel, where’s… He struggles for air and he just knows he has to get out of here. He can’t be in here anymore. His stomach churns and then he gags. Kevin is on his feet and runs to the bathroom, hoping he will make it in time. He runs past paramedics that he doesn’t even know if they’re actually there or not.
He makes it to the toilet just in time before he throws up. The hard floor is digging into his knees and his stomach heaves as he retches. He hears footsteps approach and then Jakob is next to him, talking in a soothing voice.
The fact that he only hears Jakob makes him panic; his brain still not knowing what’s real or not. Kevin retches once more and he feels Jakob’s hand rub gentle circles on his back.
Once he’s done, Kevin leans against the toilet, all his energy drained. “Axel,” he says, it’s all he can say as he struggles to breathe.
Then he finally hears Axel’s voice and Kevin sobs with relief. “I’m here Kev, just didn’t want to crowd you. It’s a small bathroom after all.”
Kevin doesn’t say anything, just lifts an arm and beckons Axel to come closer. He needs him there now; needs both of his friends there to chase away the demons inside his head.
When Axel finally sits down next to Kevin, the tall man leans into his friend’s arms and just sobs “You’re alive.”
Axel’s arms wrap around him and Kevin clutches onto his friend as he sobs. “I am. God, Kevin…” Axel says and Kevin can hear the fear in his friend’s voice. One of Axel’s hand softly combs through Kevin’s sweaty hair as he rocks him in his arms.
Kevin can still feel the comforting warmth of Jakob’s hand on his back. The knowledge that both of his friends are here is what makes him calm down after a few minutes of sobbing. He sits up and wipes his tears away with the back of his hand as his friends watch him with concern.
“What happened Kevin?” Jakob asks carefully.
“I don’t know. The room just changed. I saw things and then…” Kevin trails off. He doesn’t know what to say, really. He doesn’t even know himself what had just happened. It all felt surreal.
“Did you get some kind of flashback?” Axel’s voice is gentle as he puts a hand on Kevin’s shoulder.
“I don’t know. I blinked and then I saw things and when I blinked again it was gone. Then it came back and I couldn’t get it out of my head.”
“What did you see Kev?” Jakob softly asks, his eyes scanning Kevin’s face.
“I saw… I saw paramedics all over the room. I saw Axel on a stretcher. Then it disappeared and I saw you.” Kevin grabs Jakob’s hand in his gently as he speaks. “You were just standing there; shocked, distraught, fearing for Axel’s life.”
Jakob’s eyes tear up at the words and he wraps Kevin in his arms. Kevin can feel his friend trembling and holds him tightly for a few seconds before letting go.
“Kevin, how much sleep did you get last night?” Axel asks with concern in his voice and Kevin turns his head to look at him.
“Not much.” Kevin admits and he hears how Axel sighs.
“This is not good Kevin. If you had some sort of hallucination just now…”
“I know,” is all Kevin says, because he does. He knows he is not doing well but it’s just so hard to sleep. Even on the nights when he actually tries to sleep. The fear is still there, ever so present.
“Normally I would tell you to take a nap…” Kevin tenses up immediately at Axel’s words and his friend pats his back gently.
“Relax. I know a nap in this room would just make you feel worse and after this… No, I’m not going to tell you to.”
Kevin relaxes a bit at that and rubs a hand over his face. His head is pounding and the taste in his mouth is awful.
“I need to drink something,” Kevin says. “And rinse my mouth.”
Jakob holds his hand out then, helping Kevin off the floor and over to the sink. Once Kevin has rinsed his mouth properly and had several sips of water he confesses something.
“I don’t look forward to the gig. This is the first time I just don’t look forward to it at all.” He looks down at his hands that are trembling slightly.
“You’re not alone Kevin,” is what Jakob says. “I don’t want to do this either.”
Some of Kevin’s guilt dissipates after hearing that. At least he isn’t alone. Both he and Jakob look at Axel at the same time. Their friend has been silent for a while now, looking completely lost.
“I don’t either. This is the last thing I want right now. I’m just hoping that when the gig is over we’ll remember why we love this so much.”
“And if we don’t?” Jakob asks with a trembling voice.
“I don’t know. I really don’t know.” Axel’s voice lacks his usual determination and Kevin feels the fear emanating from both his friends.
He just hopes things will get better because right now? Right now they don’t even know if they can continue with their careers. It’s a scary thought of possibly having to let go of everything they’ve built.