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It all sat wrong, every shirt,every pair of pants, every article of clothing in the whole wide world. No clothes sat right. Light had in his teenage years come to the conclusion that it wasn’t anything about the cloth he’d wear, it was his body, every curve felt carved into stone, unchangeable, uncomfortable. He found himself with the everlasting will to rip and claw off parts of his body, break free from the cage of his body. The want to be strained and it hurts more than anything, the want to be different, to escape the reality that could never disappear. He had realized a long time ago that he was running away from something that was in front of him regardless of which way he turned, he still found himself running from time to time.
Currently he was sprinting full force forward or backward, it wasn’t ever really clear.
There wasn’t really anything to do about it at this point, without privacy and without any of the things he found familiar it was pretty hopeless. He couldn’t cut, couldn’t cry, couldn’t comfort himself so he pushed it down. Pushed down the fact that he’d rather die than play the part of their daughter. Because that’s just the ‘right’ thing to do, when you have to play the part, when you don’t want to worry anyone. He’d convince himself it just another phase of the agony of life, someday he’d run away and live his life, he was already 18 but he wasn’t going to run away from the law, that would just complicate things. He’d run away eventually, he told himself.
His attention came back at the sound of his name and he left the haze of his thoughts.
“Yeah, Lilah’s fine she just hasn’t been sleeping well lately”
L said in response to something Light's father said.
“I’ve been sleeping just fine”
“Sure sure”
L responded not arguing back due to his focus at the task in front of him on his computer.
L was everything Light strived to be, mainly because he was a guy but also because of how he was as a person. L couldn’t care less what anyone said about him, at least he seemed like he couldn’t give a fuck even if he tried. If Light was like L then he’d have come out a long while ago but the expectations of his family and the transphobia of Japan kept him in chains made for the little girl he never truly was. L seemed so confident and comfortable in his skin unlike Light, the constant thoughts of ripping off his chest was starting to worry him, it would be very Kira-like which is yet another reason to not tell anyone. He glanced down at the scissors sprawled out on the table, it was weird, L did everything he could to keep sharp objects away from Light.
It was a ploy, had to be, though slipping them into his pocket wasn’t an unappealing thought, but still not a practical thought.
A hour or four later and his ponytail was tight,tense and tugging at his scalp, the noise of people talking to and about him had fizzled out into incoherent mumbles after being deadnamed one too many times. The scissors were still sitting on the table until they weren’t.
“L, uh I need to go to the bathroom”
“Wait I have to finish this”
“No I need to go now”
A bit of silence later L and Light were on their way to the bathroom, the sterile lighting of the bathroom didn’t give Light a pleasant view of himself which only motivated him further. The scissors were now on the bathroom counter, the edges were dull which was to be expected if L allowed them near him but Light was still sure they’d work.
If Light didn’t lie to himself he’d admit he was scared, scared for the questions, scared for the judgement, scared of the vulnerability and the consequences yet his hands didn’t stop. The scissors clanked slightly as Light was picking them up, he was hoping L wouldn’t notice.
“Lilah?”
The brown hair was piling up in the bathroom sink, the smaller bits were probably going to clog the sink, which was deserved and not Light's problem.
“Lilah are you okay in there?
One of the few times L had sounded like a normal person, L started pulling on the door handle of the locked door making Lights hand slip, he was going to have to go for a layered hairstyle.
“I’m doing just fine”
“I’m going to go and get the key for this door unless you unlock it”
L’s voice sounded hurried and slightly louder than usual, you could even have thought he was worried if you don’t know him.
“Why have locks if you don’t want me to use them?”
“Open the door Lilah”
Light did open the door, leaving L to clean up the hair now spread out on the floor, on purpose of course.
“Lila-“
“Light”
“Light I’m not going to clean that”